not sure this is a good idea
fuzzy
happened.
guess what we could do is copy from our journal. this is from 2005. was
the get together for my br*thers bday (which is this upcoming sunday)
k, we posting it below. maybe is just drama? hard for us to read. brain
keeps skipping away.
SA abuse maybe and foo words without splats and some profanity
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Journal entry 12/3/05
"I was at a family get-together at a restaurant. it was after dinner and
my nephew was restless (he's 2.5). so I was putting the clothe napkin
over my face, sort of playing peek-a-boo. my dad started poking me when
I did it. which I don't like but they've always done. they think it's
funny how much it makes me jump. riley thought it was fun so I wasn't
making a big deal out of it. I just scooted away from my dad. I couldn't
get far enough away, he could still reach me though. riley thought it
was a big game. I kept playing. I put the napkin over my face again and
my dad touched my breast.... but it had to be a mistake. I'm freaking
out over nothing. we were in a restuarant at the dinner table with
everyone for shit's sick. it was nothing. except... it was a poke. it
wasn't with his finger. it was his hand brushing up against me and it
alsted longer than when he was poking me, but I'm just making that up it
was nothing. I'm stupid.
but that's what he used to do. out in the open, just brushing me. my
butt mostly but sometimes between my legs or my breasts. but no one else
in the family ever thought it was an issue or thinks it's an issue now.
it must be in my head
and I was just starting to reconnect for real with my family. yesterday
I asked my dad to go skiing later this month. And I said nothing when it
happened. nothing. and I carried on being all cheerful for the rest of
the evening. it's me. it has to be me.
no matter what I hate myself. if it was an accident then I'm making a
big fucking deal out of nothing. stupid drama queen. if it wasn't... I
let it happen. I didn't say anyting. weak little shit. I asked my dad to
go skiing yesterday. why the fuck did I do that? I thought things were
getting better between me and my parents."
confuzzled
astri
> ok, not sure if this will work...trying to talk about something that
> happened.
>
> guess what we could do is copy from our journal. this is from 2005.
> was the get together for my br*thers bday (which is this upcoming
> sunday)
>
> k, we posting it below. maybe is just drama? hard for us to read.
> brain keeps skipping away.
we remember this
not sure if you told about it on anniversary time or were here then and
told about it then
an accident would have been still same poking with finger that he had
been doing during the "game." using whole hand and lasting longer
wasn't just accident. he was pushing limits, pushing past boundaries,
just pushing.
> but that's what he used to do. out in the open, just brushing me. my
> butt mostly but sometimes between my legs or my breasts. but no one
> else in the family ever thought it was an issue or thinks it's an
> issue now. it must be in my head
so it was same behavior as always. and, as always, nobody allowed you
to have boundaries or to set your own limits. seems like it was a
statement by him: "i own you. i can do what i want when i want where i
want. there are no limits on me." ick.
he chose the private parts of you to poke at publically. and everyone
pretended it wasn't happening. so, of course, you had to pretend it
wasn't happening either. sick dynamic. the message to you was that you
didn't exist as an individual. you weren't allowed your privacy. you
weren't allowed your limits. you weren't allowed to be for just you.
repeated behavior is not an accident.
> and I was just starting to reconnect for real with my family.
> yesterday I asked my dad to go skiing later this month. And I said
> nothing when it happened. nothing. and I carried on being all
> cheerful for the rest of the evening. it's me. it has to be me.
you had no other choice. saying something had never gotten you anything
but humiliation and disregard. you *couldn't* publically notice it.
> no matter what I hate myself. if it was an accident then I'm making a
> big fucking deal out of nothing. stupid drama queen. if it wasn't...
> I let it happen. I didn't say anyting. weak little shit.
you *couldn't* say anything. was a well-established pattern and was
established well before you had any potential for power in the
relationship. saying something would have gotten you incredulous stares
and stupid comments about lack of humor or whatever.
> I asked my dad to go skiing yesterday. why the fuck did I do that? I
> thought things were getting better between me and my parents."
you had been trying to change and they hadn't.
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
astri
> wasn't a good idea. never mind just ignore it
too late
didn't
azure
news:7muhkqF...@mid.individual.net...
Riley is the little nephew, right? He's young enough to have an excuse to
find it funny. But in his innocence he's not a good judge of what was going
on.
> I kept playing. I put the napkin over my face again and my dad touched my
> breast....
That is really messed up. What he did was messed up.
> but it had to be a mistake. I'm freaking out over nothing.
no, it's not nothing. It's messed up.
You sound like your family is much like mine. my family's mindfucks did not
involve physical invasions like this but they were every bit as
crazy-making.
> we were in a restuarant at the dinner table with everyone for shit's sick.
> it was nothing. except... it was a poke. it wasn't with his finger. it was
> his hand brushing up against me and it alsted longer than when he was
> poking me, but I'm just making that up it was nothing. I'm stupid.
>
> but that's what he used to do. out in the open, just brushing me. my butt
> mostly but sometimes between my legs or my breasts. but no one else in the
> family ever thought it was an issue or thinks it's an issue now. it must
> be in my head
I think that's called frotteurism. It's considered a form of sexual
assault.
The fact that the rest of the family don't see the gross unhealthyness of
such behavior, does not make it any less an invasion.
> and I was just starting to reconnect for real with my family. yesterday I
> asked my dad to go skiing later this month. And I said nothing when it
> happened. nothing. and I carried on being all cheerful for the rest of the
> evening. it's me. it has to be me.
>
> no matter what I hate myself. if it was an accident then I'm making a big
> fucking deal out of nothing. stupid drama queen. if it wasn't... I let it
> happen. I didn't say anyting. weak little shit. I asked my dad to go
> skiing yesterday. why the fuck did I do that? I thought things were
> getting better between me and my parents."
imo, you are the only sane one in this situation. The only one who truly is
seeing things correctly. but then you rush in to beat yourself up and
accuse yourself of all sorts of things. I realize you have to do what you
have to do. My wish for you is that someday you trust your memory and
interpretation, which to me sound much more valid and reliable than the
invalidating voice with which you lash yourself afterward.
Your family sounds so much like mine. It is they who are messed up, not us.
Sometimes it is profoundly sick to be well-adjusted to a sick situation.
azure
confuzzled
dont wanna use names
foo found us online once. is true we were careless and made it easy
(maybe charlie made it really easy?) of them but now we all paranoid
shouldn't have said a name
shouldn't have made post at all
astri
> we said a name in this post
> dont wanna use names
yah
we've slipped and used a name sometimes
don't like it
> foo found us online once. is true we were careless and made it easy
> (maybe charlie made it really easy?) of them but now we all paranoid
understand
> shouldn't have said a name
> shouldn't have made post at all
prolly one slip of a name will just disappear
we think folks should not repeat names they see if they know someone
usually doesn't use any names