puddles?
astri
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
Puddles
:) Here I am!!!
I just got back on and with 400 posts I just looked for our name
anywhere! :) AND HERE IT WAS. :)
We are okay!!!! Got catscan and bad bad sinuses all over face and
behind eyes. We got antibiotics and no more fever now tonight! :)
we are still a little dizzy and weak but here here here :)
So happy to be here (obvious) :)
Anyway, t tomorrow. we have something different for t we will talk about
later in posts, just want to try to catch up reading as many posts as i
can.
:) :) :)
YAE, we are feeling bedder. :)
k, done. :)
astri
> astri wrote:
>> how are you?
>
>
> I just got back on and with 400 posts I just looked for our name
> anywhere! :) AND HERE IT WAS. :)
>
> We are okay!!!! Got catscan and bad bad sinuses all over face and
> behind eyes. We got antibiotics and no more fever now tonight! :)
oh, good
> we are still a little dizzy and weak but here here here :)
>
> So happy to be here (obvious) :)
yay
> Anyway, t tomorrow. we have something different for t we will talk
> about later in posts, just want to try to catch up reading as many
> posts as i can.
> :) :) :)
>
> YAE, we are feeling bedder. :)
>
> k, done. :)
ok
confused
glad you are feeling better.
gathring
glad you are feeling better. wb.
--
“There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.” -- Jeremy S. Anderson
Baba Yaga
>We are okay!!!! Got catscan and bad bad sinuses all over face and
>behind eyes. We got antibiotics and no more fever now tonight! :)
Glad. Was a bit worried.
Baba Yaga
--
If it's my lot to spend my life swimming upstream in treacle then
goddamn it I'll be the best treacle swimmer there is, and learn to
find things about it to enjoy!
- The Autiste formerly known as Genyin
puddles
> Puddles <allthe...@yahoo.com> wrote, in alt.support.dissociation:
>
>> We are okay!!!! Got catscan and bad bad sinuses all over face and
>> behind eyes. We got antibiotics and no more fever now tonight! :)
>
> Glad. Was a bit worried.
>
> Baba Yaga
thank you Baba Yaga.
Puddles
internet this weekend at the campsite. :(
had haunted hayrides last night and trick or treating.
campground closes oct 15 so they do this stuff early.
was fun!
just here for a second, i have errands to run and will be back tonight.
see everyone later. :)
astri
> was looking for a place to pop in and say we have been camping. no
> internet this weekend at the campsite. :(
:P
> had haunted hayrides last night and trick or treating.
>
> campground closes oct 15 so they do this stuff early.
>
> was fun!
ok
good was fun
> just here for a second, i have errands to run and will be back
> tonight.
>
> see everyone later. :)
ttyl
Puddles
HI, back now. :)
--
Puddles
(I rant, therefore I am)
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Sun, 28 Sep 2008, Puddles wrote:
>>
>>> was looking for a place to pop in and say we have been camping. no
>>> internet this weekend at the campsite. :(
>>
>> :P
>>
>>> had haunted hayrides last night and trick or treating.
>>>
>>> campground closes oct 15 so they do this stuff early.
>>>
>>> was fun!
>>
>> ok
>>
>> good was fun
>>
>>> just here for a second, i have errands to run and will be back
>>> tonight.
>>>
>>> see everyone later. :)
>>
>> ttyl
>
hi
confused
hi hi hi
--
"wolfie" of confused
Puddles
HI WOLFIE :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
confused
hi. you are probably sleeping right now.
--
"wolfie" of confused
rave
confused
wish i never ever had to sleep ever
--
Little Girl of confused
Amber
confused
maybe we can find a monster to eat sleep.
Amber
A nice one so it doesn't scare me.
AmBeR
astri
or maybe a monster to eat bad dreams so you can sleep gently?
Puddles
me tooooooooooo! then we could color treeeees and birrrrrrrrds and make
puzzzzzzzles and hide and make little dog plaaaaaaaaay ball with us
aaaaaaaall nighte. little dog loves to play baaaaall and wags his tale.
-- rave
Puddles
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
lilpddle :O
Puddles
k :)
lilpddle
Puddles
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kk?
lilpdde (stomping feet)no munsters k??
astri
> astri wrote:
>
>> or maybe a monster to eat bad dreams so you can sleep gently?
>>
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
> no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
>
> !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kk?
>
> lilpdde (stomping feet)no munsters k??
k
Puddles
ok, now i got through all my posts so i get to post my t issues. :)
all over the place....
we have been working on yucky icky in session. but then we had big
outside problem happen.
we have older boys by X in Calf. X we will call him weenie, has not seen
boys for years and years. We have not been with weenie in 12 years.
weenie used to send money long time ago but then he stopped. he doesn't
send b-day card for boys in years or call or write.
we sued weenie 1 year ago for support. We figure he has not had to pay
for boys and boys are eating too much, wearing bigger more expensive
clothes and shoes, more sports, and needing bigger and bigger things.
we talked to weenie about working out an agreement last year but he got
mad. so we got a lawyer.
weenie wouldn't respond to custody court date, paternity court day,
evaluation of income court date or final order date. Then we had to deal
with family court for first had to send requests to pay, then we had to
put lien on credit and finally we got garnishment.
4K dollars later for lawyer fees and many many days of missed work, we
finaly got our first child support check a few weeks ago.
Well, thurs weenie decided to send us copy of response to family court
to lower payments, establish paternity and get visits. We have to go on
Thurs.
and it only cost him a hundred bucks! what about what we spent????
AND, weenie put lots of stuff about our past in court letters. stuff
from *before* we met weenie.
problem is, that stuff is too scary to remember and we are not that
person. that was some other puddle. not us!
fraid kids will find out
fraid of things being said in court
what if we can't remember stuff and can't respond?
what about stuff that triggers us which crosses over to current puddles?
WE WERE FREAKING
so, we went to see t. t says we are a good person. :P~~~~~
t understand how this can make the puddles 'crash'. too much past coming
up and scared about how evl will react.
THEN......we got letter from brother who wrote letter to both t and me.
was writing about lilpddle stuff and rave stuff and d*d stuff and and
and and.
YIKES. tooooo mcuh. tooooooooo mcuh much.
can't can't can't can't. we emailed t this morning but had to ask
permission to send over abundance of emails today but t never responded.
think t is not around this weekend.
too many secrets from current family. not that person anymore cause bad
things happen to that puddle, don't remember lots of things from then.
not ready to talk about them or think about them. things that we have
not been ready to talk to t about.
didn't want to go lost today so we went to work instead. we are
beginning our shut down.
(btw, sorry astri for the no no no no post. littles have been waking up
at 2 and 3 in morning with monsters in the bedroom. sorry, hope didn't
make you mad).
this is too much and want to not go to family court on Tues. and then
city court on Thurs. t says we don't have to if it is not worth it. but
we are afraid that judge could award weenie visits.
kids havn't seen weenie in 8 years. not fair. want to just pretend all
this isn't happening. brother triggered us and now we are going lost.
don't know what to do or think. just want to run or hide.
sorry this is so long. :(
astri
> ok, now i got through all my posts so i get to post my t issues. :)
>
> all over the place....
>
> we have been working on yucky icky in session. but then we had big
> outside problem happen.
>
> we have older boys by X in Calf. X we will call him weenie, has not
> seen boys for years and years. We have not been with weenie in 12
> years.
how old older boys?
> weenie used to send money long time ago but then he stopped. he
> doesn't send b-day card for boys in years or call or write.
>
> we sued weenie 1 year ago for support. We figure he has not had to
> pay for boys and boys are eating too much, wearing bigger more
> expensive clothes and shoes, more sports, and needing bigger and
> bigger things.
is right
> we talked to weenie about working out an agreement last year but he
> got mad. so we got a lawyer.
>
> weenie wouldn't respond to custody court date, paternity court day,
> evaluation of income court date or final order date. Then we had to
> deal with family court for first had to send requests to pay, then we
> had to put lien on credit and finally we got garnishment.
:P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ on weenie
> 4K dollars later for lawyer fees and many many days of missed work,
> we finaly got our first child support check a few weeks ago.
>
> Well, thurs weenie decided to send us copy of response to family
> court to lower payments, establish paternity and get visits. We have
> to go on Thurs.
sigh
> and it only cost him a hundred bucks! what about what we spent????
:P
> AND, weenie put lots of stuff about our past in court letters. stuff
> from *before* we met weenie.
:(
> problem is, that stuff is too scary to remember and we are not that
> person. that was some other puddle. not us!
>
> fraid kids will find out
>
> fraid of things being said in court
>
> what if we can't remember stuff and can't respond?
>
> what about stuff that triggers us which crosses over to current
> puddles?
>
> WE WERE FREAKING
uh huh
> so, we went to see t. t says we are a good person. :P~~~~~ t
> understand how this can make the puddles 'crash'. too much past
> coming up and scared about how evl will react.
sigh
> THEN......we got letter from brother who wrote letter to both t and
> me. was writing about lilpddle stuff and rave stuff and d*d stuff and
> and and and.
>
> YIKES. tooooo mcuh. tooooooooo mcuh much.
yes
> can't can't can't can't. we emailed t this morning but had to ask
> permission to send over abundance of emails today but t never
> responded. think t is not around this weekend.
email anyway
you need to
and can post here
> too many secrets from current family. not that person anymore cause
> bad things happen to that puddle, don't remember lots of things from
> then. not ready to talk about them or think about them. things that
> we have not been ready to talk to t about.
understand
> didn't want to go lost today so we went to work instead. we are
> beginning our shut down.
sigh :(
> (btw, sorry astri for the no no no no post. littles have been waking
> up at 2 and 3 in morning with monsters in the bedroom. sorry, hope
> didn't make you mad).
not mad
> this is too much and want to not go to family court on Tues. and then
> city court on Thurs. t says we don't have to if it is not worth it.
> but we are afraid that judge could award weenie visits.
:(
can tuttle go?
> kids havn't seen weenie in 8 years. not fair. want to just pretend
> all this isn't happening. brother triggered us and now we are going
> lost.
sigh
> don't know what to do or think. just want to run or hide.
understand
> sorry this is so long. :(
is ok
Puddles
can't respond now. got too loud. we need to stop now. maybe is time for
bed anyway. is late here. nite. (trying not to have tears in eyes)
astri
> for bed anyway. is late here. nite. (trying not to have tears in
> eyes)
ok
hope you can sleep ok
confused
> ok, now i got through all my posts so i get to post my t issues. :)
>
> all over the place....
>
> we have been working on yucky icky in session. but then we had big
> outside problem happen.
>
> we have older boys by X in Calf. X we will call him weenie, has not
> seen boys for years and years. We have not been with weenie in 12
> years.
>
> weenie used to send money long time ago but then he stopped. he
> doesn't send b-day card for boys in years or call or write.
:(
>
> we sued weenie 1 year ago for support. We figure he has not had to pay
> for boys and boys are eating too much, wearing bigger more expensive
> clothes and shoes, more sports, and needing bigger and bigger things.
>
> we talked to weenie about working out an agreement last year but he
> got mad. so we got a lawyer.
>
> weenie wouldn't respond to custody court date, paternity court day,
> evaluation of income court date or final order date. Then we had to
> deal with family court for first had to send requests to pay, then we
> had to put lien on credit and finally we got garnishment.
>
> 4K dollars later for lawyer fees and many many days of missed work, we
> finaly got our first child support check a few weeks ago.
good! weenie should pay!
>
> Well, thurs weenie decided to send us copy of response to family court
> to lower payments, establish paternity and get visits. We have to go
> on Thurs.
>
> and it only cost him a hundred bucks! what about what we spent????
>
not fair
> AND, weenie put lots of stuff about our past in court letters. stuff
> from *before* we met weenie.
>
yuck
> problem is, that stuff is too scary to remember and we are not that
> person. that was some other puddle. not us!
>
> fraid kids will find out
>
> fraid of things being said in court
>
> what if we can't remember stuff and can't respond?
very scary stuff. regrets you are dealing with it
>
> what about stuff that triggers us which crosses over to current
> puddles?
>
> WE WERE FREAKING
understandable
>
> so, we went to see t. t says we are a good person. :P~~~~~
is true!
> t understand how this can make the puddles 'crash'. too much past
> coming up and scared about how evl will react.
yes
>
> THEN......we got letter from brother who wrote letter to both t and
> me. was writing about lilpddle stuff and rave stuff and d*d stuff and
> and and and.
>
your brother sent letter to t???
> YIKES. tooooo mcuh. tooooooooo mcuh much.
>
> can't can't can't can't. we emailed t this morning but had to ask
> permission to send over abundance of emails today but t never
> responded. think t is not around this weekend.
>
:/ is the weekend t could be anywhere. regrets.
> too many secrets from current family. not that person anymore cause
> bad things happen to that puddle, don't remember lots of things from
> then. not ready to talk about them or think about them. things that
> we have not been ready to talk to t about.
>
<sigh>
> didn't want to go lost today so we went to work instead. we are
> beginning our shut down.
>
> (btw, sorry astri for the no no no no post. littles have been waking
> up at 2 and 3 in morning with monsters in the bedroom. sorry, hope
> didn't make you mad).
>
> this is too much and want to not go to family court on Tues. and then
> city court on Thurs. t says we don't have to if it is not worth it.
> but we are afraid that judge could award weenie visits.
>
does he want visits?
> kids havn't seen weenie in 8 years. not fair. want to just pretend all
> this isn't happening. brother triggered us and now we are going lost.
>
> don't know what to do or think. just want to run or hide.
>
is a lot. is understandable you are overwhelmed. have to break it into
little pieces. have to focus on right now and not all the what ifs. is very
hard
> sorry this is so long. :(
is ok. was important you wrote all this. sorry it took us so long to get to
this post
--
"wolfie" of confused
gathring
>
> ok, now i got through all my posts so i get to post my t issues. :)
>
> all over the place....
>
> we have been working on yucky icky in session. but then we had big
> outside problem happen.
>
> we have older boys by X in Calf. X we will call him weenie, has not seen
> boys for years and years. We have not been with weenie in 12 years.
>
> weenie used to send money long time ago but then he stopped. he doesn't
> send b-day card for boys in years or call or write.
>
> we sued weenie 1 year ago for support. We figure he has not had to pay
> for boys and boys are eating too much, wearing bigger more expensive
> clothes and shoes, more sports, and needing bigger and bigger things.
>
> we talked to weenie about working out an agreement last year but he got
> mad. so we got a lawyer.
>
> weenie wouldn't respond to custody court date, paternity court day,
> evaluation of income court date or final order date. Then we had to deal
> with family court for first had to send requests to pay, then we had to
> put lien on credit and finally we got garnishment.
>
> 4K dollars later for lawyer fees and many many days of missed work, we
> finaly got our first child support check a few weeks ago.
>
> Well, thurs weenie decided to send us copy of response to family court
> to lower payments, establish paternity and get visits. We have to go on
> Thurs.
this is so typical. deadbeat dads is a major problem in us.
> and it only cost him a hundred bucks! what about what we spent????
need court reform for sure
> AND, weenie put lots of stuff about our past in court letters. stuff
> from *before* we met weenie.
can file motion to suppress all that stuff, as not relevant. if was
relevant would not have taken this many years to come up.
> problem is, that stuff is too scary to remember and we are not that
> person. that was some other puddle. not us!
>
> fraid kids will find out
>
> fraid of things being said in court
>
> what if we can't remember stuff and can't respond?
>
> what about stuff that triggers us which crosses over to current puddles?
is not a good situation, regrets
> WE WERE FREAKING
>
> so, we went to see t. t says we are a good person. :P~~~~~
> t understand how this can make the puddles 'crash'. too much past coming
> up and scared about how evl will react.
>
> THEN......we got letter from brother who wrote letter to both t and me.
> was writing about lilpddle stuff and rave stuff and d*d stuff and and
> and and.
why is he writing? is not his t, should not be ok unless yous asked him.
squicks me that he would do this
> YIKES. tooooo mcuh. tooooooooo mcuh much.
>
> can't can't can't can't. we emailed t this morning but had to ask
> permission to send over abundance of emails today but t never responded.
> think t is not around this weekend.
>
> too many secrets from current family. not that person anymore cause bad
> things happen to that puddle, don't remember lots of things from then.
> not ready to talk about them or think about them. things that we have
> not been ready to talk to t about.
not sure secrets are a good thing, but understand not wanting to dredge
up past mistakes.
> didn't want to go lost today so we went to work instead. we are
> beginning our shut down.
>
> (btw, sorry astri for the no no no no post. littles have been waking up
> at 2 and 3 in morning with monsters in the bedroom. sorry, hope didn't
> make you mad).
>
> this is too much and want to not go to family court on Tues. and then
> city court on Thurs. t says we don't have to if it is not worth it. but
> we are afraid that judge could award weenie visits.
>
> kids havn't seen weenie in 8 years. not fair. want to just pretend all
> this isn't happening. brother triggered us and now we are going lost.
>
> don't know what to do or think. just want to run or hide.
>
> sorry this is so long. :(
regrets is all so much.
--
“There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.” -- Jeremy S. Anderson
Puddles
thing that did it.
we kept emailing t for permission to email. needed t to say ok before we
flooded his inbox.
t wrote back this morning and said, ' email it ' . What???
what the heck is 'it'?
we wrote back this morning and asked what he meant by 'it' ?
it sounds singular, a specific 'thing'.
we toll t, sorry for stupid emails asking for permission and we will see
him tomorrow.
feels like rejection, dunno why. hate that he wrote, 'send it'
we need help. help help help.
it hurts so much and don't kknow where the hurt is comig from.
feels like i am going to d*e.
feels like i did something wrong. feels little. feels like wish i could
hide.
feels like a dark room and sobbing when little. hate this.
shutting down. too much too many time periods with no time lines and is
all mixed up and don't make sense adn hurts and not me. was not me. and
weenie has no right to try to take my boys to california to visist and
r*pe overlaps members of d*d but ccan feel body st*b hurts and t said
'it' is not 'it' is too much and spining around and can't cry
help please pleaswe please
astri
> we are really not ok. not. having big shut down today. think t was
> final thing that did it.
>
> we kept emailing t for permission to email. needed t to say ok before
> we flooded his inbox.
>
> t wrote back this morning and said, ' email it ' . What???
>
> what the heck is 'it'?
think "it" is anything you want to send. that's what we think.
> we wrote back this morning and asked what he meant by 'it' ?
>
> it sounds singular, a specific 'thing'.
not. is generic vagueness meaning anything.
> we toll t, sorry for stupid emails asking for permission and we will
> see him tomorrow.
>
> feels like rejection, dunno why. hate that he wrote, 'send it'
seems you're in one of those spirals where t can't do anything
right?
> we need help. help help help.
yes
> it hurts so much and don't kknow where the hurt is comig from.
is coming from hard stuff from legal issues.
> feels like i am going to d*e.
>
> feels like i did something wrong. feels little. feels like wish i
> could hide.
>
> feels like a dark room and sobbing when little. hate this.
>
> shutting down. too much too many time periods with no time lines and
> is all mixed up and don't make sense adn hurts and not me. was not
> me. and weenie has no right to try to take my boys to california to
> visist and r*pe overlaps members of d*d but ccan feel body st*b hurts
> and t said 'it' is not 'it' is too much and spining around and can't
> cry
>
> help please pleaswe please
breathe
then is not now
now is not then
Puddles
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
we sent this to t and t wrotie back now and said is always ok to email
and we wrote back;'
can't breathe and am drowning. and keep remembering same things over and
over with no sense.
have to slow down cause am losing it and cant lose it. but have been
stuck in r*pe but don't really care cause it is mechanical memory.
like making toast, it just is a thing in a video that happens and
watching it like it is an action but like it didn't really happen. just
like you forget about how you made the toast.
and then thinking about it crosses over with remember my dad's face.
very clear image of my dad and that i can remember. don't think i have
ever remember dad's face before and now i am even though i don't have
any pictures of him. but, it has nothing to do with r*pe and can't
understand why those two memories overlap like connected cause dad did
nothing like r*pe that would put those memories together at same time
lline.
and then remember and hospital and cop crying and i canm't breathe. but
have to think straight to talk right with hubby because he says go to
court but i can't cry and no one understands how dark it is inside with
everything screaming because is not me not me not me not me
was not did those things but is my fault again and hurts really bad like
i have to cry but holding on so not lost or bad blck butteflies. not
crzy not not not not. swear i am not
just need hlep ehlp help. because it is spining too fast and can't shut
down not now, not yet cant' have to stay. half to breath and
inappropriate has memeory of stuff i need but too much with brother call
and leaving message with for t.
i don't know what to do, i don't know what to do , i don't know what to
do, idon't knw.
i have skills, i am not crazy and i can. i think maybe not a choice to
not to. i give up. k, can understand i hope because this is all i can do t.
Puddles
is now cause can know is my boys my boys and not his and i can't do this
now and think i need help not spinning and need to cry but no one is
there and evl says my fault. yelling and says my fault is weenie going
to tell boys.
--
Rain puddle,lying on the ground. Why don't you make a sound?
I see you., I see me. all wet and slippery.
Sometimes clear., Sometimes brown., Sometimes colors
go round and round. On pretty days you go away.
when will you be here to stay?
Puddles
can either stay to fight but si puddle wil come and then hope for cure
puddle or i can shut downn an dont know what to do but haf to try jus
dont know where to go to hide and need to slow down.
Puddles
> Puddles wrote:
>> apoileer
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>>
need cure to help and then can be ok for what happen and won't be 'all
at once' puddle.
if i shut down then canm't function and will need to funciton for t
session and for court and for brotherws calls and work and evl.
think need to find cure cause need help.
Puddles
> Puddles wrote:
>> Puddles wrote:
>>> apoileer
>>> .
>>> .
>>> .
>>> .
>>> .
>>> .
>>> .
>>> .
>>> .
>>> .
>>> .
>>> .
>>> .
>>> .
>>> .
>>>
Puddles
jill
Now is not then but then stuff keeps popping up. This has happened to
you before, where a then thing gets in the way of now and feels too
big to handle. It isn't too big, it is just very jarring.
Remember to find stuff in the now that you can focus on. Think of
stuff you like right now and if possible do some of it. Keep it
simple, don't try to do big stuff, just do little fun things to help
stay in the now.
This fits into your pattern you have talked about in asd before.
Something from the past just sort of knocks you flat. It takes the
wind out of you and you have to regroup and rebalance. Kind of like a
wave in surfing? (I dunno, I'm not a water person). It doesn't mean
start all over again, it doesn't mean you are bad/wrong/stupid/etc.
It just means you got knocked over a bit and you have to catch your
balance.
You've done this before and you will do it now. You will find a way to
regroup and rebalance and get through/past/over/around this bit from
the past that fell on you from the sky.
Rainbow Colors (Jill)
In article <6kstq5F...@mid.individual.net>,
--
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing
we are becoming white light.
ji...@tuells.org
astri
email t was good
call t was good
you can do this
you can do this for your boys
you can
astri
> this now and think i need help not spinning and need to cry but no
> one is there and evl says my fault. yelling and says my fault is
> weenie going to tell boys.
your boys love you.
nothing weenie tells them will stop them from loving you.
nothing.
astri
> Puddles wrote:
>> apoileer
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>>
> cure puddle or i can shut downn an dont know what to do but haf to
> try jus dont know where to go to hide and need to slow down.
email t
call t
see t tomorrow
t can help
astri
we're back now
had to take sir lala out to look for candy day costume
race car driver (of course)
Wolfie of Confused
:( hope you are ok. we like you. your boys need you
sorry we weren't there yesterday. feels bad, want to be able to help.
sometimes when your spinning it reminds me of when my m*m was spinning
and wanting me to help and I feel all small and scared. sorry
we are going to the ocean. will try very very hard to take pictures for
you and post them. is different then California ocean though.
Puddles
then not now. then not now, tnen not now but feels like now. saw t and
he tried to kills me. he tried to and i yelled help help help.
now is smells like gasoline and keeping doors open so can get boys out
of the house.
but is not now. was then. is remembers then not now.
Puddles
> Putting my stuff up here so you don't have to read the bottom stuff.
> Now is not then but then stuff keeps popping up.
can't stop it now. won't stop and all on top of each other like squish.
This has happened to
> you before, where a then thing gets in the way of now and feels too
> big to handle.
don't remember it happen before but is yes too big.
It isn't too big, it is just very jarring.
that i can't breathe.
>
> Remember to find stuff in the now that you can focus on.
was drawing last night but can't stay in the house now cause is gasoline
and think maybe is something bad is going to happen.
Think of
> stuff you like right now and if possible do some of it.
can give me some ideas? help cause i forget because of switch switch switch.
Keep it
> simple, don't try to do big stuff, just do little fun things to help
> stay in the now.
can color but have to stay outside cause am afraid in the housr.
>
> This fits into your pattern you have talked about in asd before.
we have a pattern? you can see it? you can tell what I am doing?
> Something from the past just sort of knocks you flat.
It takes the
> wind out of you
yes, i can't breathe.
and you have to regroup and rebalance.
how how do i do that?
Kind of like a
> wave in surfing? (I dunno, I'm not a water person).
but not in waves right now. can't tell then from now. can t hold on to
surf board.
It doesn't mean
> start all over again, it doesn't mean you are bad/wrong/stupid/etc.
> It just means you got knocked over a bit and you have to catch your
> balance.
it will end?
>
> You've done this before and you will do it now. You will find a way to
> regroup and rebalance and get through/past/over/around this bit from
> the past that fell on you from the sky.
i did it before? feels like neverending.
>
> Rainbow Colors (Jill)
>
astri
> and he tried to kills me. he tried to and i yelled help help help.
then not now
t did not try to kill you
> now is smells like gasoline and keeping doors open so can get boys
> out of the house.
house is safe now
> but is not now. was then. is remembers then not now.
yes, is remembers
is not happening now
feels now
but not is now
Puddles
Puddles
astri
>> Putting my stuff up here so you don't have to read the bottom stuff.
>> Now is not then but then stuff keeps popping up.
>
> can't stop it now. won't stop and all on top of each other like
> squish.
>
>> This has happened to
>> you before, where a then thing gets in the way of now and feels too
>> big to handle.
>
> don't remember it happen before but is yes too big.
>
>> It isn't too big, it is just very jarring.
>
> that i can't breathe.
>>
>> Remember to find stuff in the now that you can focus on.
>
> was drawing last night but can't stay in the house now cause is
> gasoline and think maybe is something bad is going to happen.
is remembers
then not now
>> Think of
>> stuff you like right now and if possible do some of it.
>
> can give me some ideas? help cause i forget because of switch switch
> switch.
can sit outside under a tree? watch the leaves in the breeze? watch
the branches if there are no leaves? can walk small dog?
>> Keep it simple, don't try to do big stuff, just do little fun things
>> to help stay in the now.
>
> can color but have to stay outside cause am afraid in the housr.
>>
>> This fits into your pattern you have talked about in asd before.
>
> we have a pattern? you can see it? you can tell what I am doing?
yes, you have a pattern
you are spinning and erasing
>> Something from the past just sort of knocks you flat. It takes the
>> wind out of you
>
> yes, i can't breathe.
you are breathing
then is not now
>> and you have to regroup and rebalance.
>
> how how do i do that?
>
>> Kind of like a
>> wave in surfing? (I dunno, I'm not a water person).
>
> but not in waves right now. can't tell then from now. can t hold on
> to surf board.
you know how to surf. you know how to hold onto surfboard and turn
over when the waves are too big. you know how to surf.
>> It doesn't mean start all over again, it doesn't mean you are
>> bad/wrong/stupid/etc. It just means you got knocked over a bit and
>> you have to catch your balance.
>
> it will end?
yes!
>> You've done this before and you will do it now. You will find a way to
>> regroup and rebalance and get through/past/over/around this bit from
>> the past that fell on you from the sky.
>
> i did it before? feels like neverending.
yes, you did it before. you can do it now.
now is not then.
t is safe person, not perp.
remembers feel like now but are not now.
astri
breathe and surf
is all you have to do
can email t
can write here
(we have to leave for a bit in about 10 minutes tho)
now is not then
remember your boys
remember small dog
remember you know how to surf
astri
> are you at work? i thinkmaybe i should go hosptil or someting.
if you think you might need to go to hospital then call t and tell
service that is urgent and you need to talk to t and that you will tell
details to t.
sounds like panic attack maybe?
Puddles
when you can k?
astri
> when you can k?
k
can you pet dog?
can you hug boy?
Puddles
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
this is a terrible email to write but its the truth. its not that i am
being a big baby and just because things get hard that i automatically
decide i am a victim ' poor me' and whine about wanting to die.
that's not how it is. it's more like i have always wanted to die, it
takes every bit of energy i have to continue to find reasons to keep
living. if feels like i don't have a life, that i never have had a life
and that i don't exist. It feels like my kids would be better off
without me. It feels like my helping other ppl is superficial and
hypocritical.
i can only find more reasons to substantiate who i am not. never knowing
who or what i am causes questionable considerations about the reasons
behind my behaviors and memories in the past.
i wish i was invisible. i wish i wasn't here. i wish i could make things
go black and find peace. i want people to not be mad at me. i want them
to know that the reasons i do things is not out of selfishness but out
of not being a part of this world. i want to go home.
astri
we regret that you feel this bad. we understand feeling this bad.
your actions in the world are real.
your boys need you.
they would not be better off without you.
your helping other people is not superficial. it is real.
the feelings are real, too, but they are feelings from the depression
and the past hurts. your fther hurt you when he killed himself. this
never feeling allowed to live is partly due to your fther's final act.
we're sorry to be blunt. but you do need to understand that your
killing yourself would cause your boys harm in the same way that your
fther's killing himself caused you harm. it was traumatic for you. it
would be and would continue to be traumatic for your boys.
you are real.
being real hurts.
:(
Puddles
i was there astri. this is the thing that t knew that he said i didn't
know. Its why I can't breathe. because her lungs are filled up with
smoke. smells like gasoline body memories.
was suppose to function today but t had told me about being in the fire
watching dad yesterday and then we remembered. i needed to be able to
function for my boys today.
i couldnt function in court. i was little. i don't remember what happen.
all i remember is another court date. i really really thought that
tuttle would go to court. I don't know what happen. I think that little
was there but that she was very quiet because she didn't understand what
was happening.
If i can't control this anymore,
is just a reminder of how messed up i am.
Now i fell in a black hole.
emailing t. he says i am not afraid to die, he says i am afraid to live.
it hurts so bad astri. it hurts bursting and tearing through my heart
and turning my blood black and filling my lungs with smoke and I can't
breathe. I am so mixed up and feels like system is completely crashing.
i am so broken. t is talking to me on emails right now. im sorry astri.
is my fault. i should have never posted this stuff.
Puddles
i wrote t this email after i said 'its not fair'. Then t asked 'what's
not fair'?
email to t:
If you ask if it is life that scares me, scares me more than death then
you are correct. My question to you is "would it be for you"?
Would you be afraid of life if you were me?
I think it is a very fair question.
And assuming if you could live in the world that I do, you would be
terrified.
Is that just? Is that fair? Is it fair that I see things the way I do,
and you can 'choose' not to see things the way I do? Is it fair that you
can 'choose'.
Its not a choice for me. (cure is disagreeing) but
Is it fair that you could, by choice, over power a woman and do whatever
it is you want? Is it fair to assume that a woman would be unable to do
the same to you? Why do men choose to do this sick fucked up stuff?
Children fall prey to men. If they tell as a child then they are lying,
if they tell as an adult then they need to 'get over it'. Is this a
choice? To get over it? And if I don't then it is my fault I am 'this
way" right? This is what I mean by passing judgement. Do you think I am
choosing to not get over this?
......just be a good little girl and shut up, get over it, it's not that
bad, blah blah blah.
here is now is then. Is the only way to shut up as a little girl or a
worthless whore..... to put it in a box.
but then is now and here.
Is life the tougher choice from death? absolutely. that is what my
initial email was about. Is that fair? I sometimes think it's not and I
tell you about those times. It screams from inside me.
You do get it, you do hear me and you are following me. I am just not
sure you can fix this one.
end of email
________________________________
then t wrote back:
Would I feel that way if I were in your shoes? Probably. Life isn't fair
and I know you didn't choose any of it. men should never treat anyone
the way you have been treated. Please don't shut up. Yell, rage, be
angry its not your fault.
end of email
__________________________________
i think t can be smarter than he looks. notice he doesn't say 'tell', he
says 'yell that it's not your fault'.
just thought that was interesting.
astri
> didn't know. Its why I can't breathe. because her lungs are filled
> up with smoke. smells like gasoline body memories.
:(
yes
regrets
> was suppose to function today but t had told me about being in the
> fire watching dad yesterday and then we remembered. i needed to be
> able to function for my boys today.
>
> i couldnt function in court. i was little. i don't remember what
> happen. all i remember is another court date. i really really thought
> that tuttle would go to court. I don't know what happen. I think that
> little was there but that she was very quiet because she didn't
> understand what was happening.
:(
maybe nothing much happened then?
was your attorney with you?
> If i can't control this anymore,
>
> is just a reminder of how messed up i am.
>
> Now i fell in a black hole.
wish we could help
> emailing t. he says i am not afraid to die, he says i am afraid to
> live.
>
> it hurts so bad astri. it hurts bursting and tearing through my heart
> and turning my blood black and filling my lungs with smoke and I
> can't breathe. I am so mixed up and feels like system is completely
> crashing.
does hurt
does hurt that much
is hard to believe in the middle of it
but has been said to many of us:
we survived it the first time
(even if shattered)
we can survive it now
> i am so broken. t is talking to me on emails right now. im sorry
> astri. is my fault. i should have never posted this stuff.
is ok to have posted
understand pain
regret it is so raw right now
astri
>> didn't know. Its why I can't breathe. because her lungs are filled
>> up with smoke. smells like gasoline body memories.
>>
>> was suppose to function today but t had told me about being in the
>> fire watching dad yesterday and then we remembered. i needed to be
>> able to function for my boys today.
>>
>> i couldnt function in court. i was little. i don't remember what
>> happen. all i remember is another court date. i really really
>> thought that tuttle would go to court. I don't know what happen. I
>> think that little was there but that she was very quiet because she
>> didn't understand what was happening.
>>
>> If i can't control this anymore,
>>
>> is just a reminder of how messed up i am.
>>
>> Now i fell in a black hole.
>>
>> emailing t. he says i am not afraid to die, he says i am afraid to
>> live.
>>
>> it hurts so bad astri. it hurts bursting and tearing through my
>> heart and turning my blood black and filling my lungs with smoke and
>> I can't breathe. I am so mixed up and feels like system is
>> completely crashing.
>>
>> i am so broken. t is talking to me on emails right now. im sorry
>> astri. is my fault. i should have never posted this stuff.
>
> i wrote t this email after i said 'its not fair'. Then t asked
> 'what's not fair'?
(there's *lots* that's not fair)
(fair is a lie fed to kids)
(everyone denies feeding it)
(but someone has to have)
a very powerful interchange
jill
Anyone in particular or just generic? Kidlette will be dorothy
this year (cause she wanted the stuffed toto I think:) and fritz
is ready to be a fett, from star wars, jengo I think. *rolls eyes*
Whatever!
Rainbow Colors (Jill)
astri
> In article <Pine.BSI.4.64.08...@malasada.lava.net>,
> astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>>
>> had to take sir lala out to look for candy day costume
>> race car driver (of course)
>
> this year (cause she wanted the stuffed toto I think:) and fritz
> is ready to be a fett, from star wars, jengo I think. *rolls eyes*
> Whatever!
generic
went to second hand store
found costume that's mostly bright green and yellow
found huge sunglasses that are bright green with yellow lenses
look like wacky goggles
went to other story
got bicycle helmet as stand in for racing helmet
has flames on the side
gathring
yeah, just ask the velveteen rabbit
--
“There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.” -- Jeremy S. Anderson
confused
we are back from our trip
we are tired and sick and mixed up but we wanted to check posts and see
how you were doing. we wish things weren't so hard for you. we are glad
you have t.
astri
> we are back from our trip
that was quick!
> we are tired and sick and mixed up
:(
is the antibiotic starting to work?
puddles
==============
>
(there's *lots* that's not fair)
> (fair is a lie fed to kids)
> (everyone denies feeding it)
> (but someone has to have)
astri, what do you mean by this? i often say that 'its not fair' but not
sure what it means. it comes from inside. this post is confusing and i
was wondering if you could give more details?
puddles
?
puddles
we are glad we have you. t by himself is not enough. you are our support.
sorry yous tired and sick and mixed up. long sigh. we are knowing this
feeling well. :(
(we ( me and yous ) will get through it though, there is an end to this)
so i keep telling myself.
sorry, maybe not helpful.
astri
talking about the sense we somehow got (and many appear to have gotten)
that the world is somehow apparently supposed to be fair (why else
would we be complaining if things aren't fair?). seems like a message
kids get -- a very powerful message. but then when that's mentioned,
everyone denies giving that message because "of course the world isn't
fair."
but maybe we're wrong. thinking about it right now, maybe the message
isn't that the world is supposed to be fair. kids are told all the
time to be fair and to do stuff because that would be fair. maybe they
just figure out for themselves that false message that the world is
supposed to be fair?
dunno, really.
astri
>> astri wrote:
>>>
>>> you are real.
>>> being real hurts.
>>>
>>> :(
>>>
>>
>>
>
> ?
do you know the story of the velveteen rabbit?
astri
> (we ( me and yous ) will get through it though, there is an end to
> this)
>
> so i keep telling myself.
>
> sorry, maybe not helpful.
is the most helpful message around, actually.
C of Confused
> On Tue, 7 Oct 2008, confused wrote:
>
>> we are back from our trip
>
> that was quick!
>
>> we are tired and sick and mixed up
>
> :(
>
> is the antibiotic starting to work?
>
especially since Wolfie keeps crying. I didn't know Wolfie could hurt so
bad.
They were talking to me last night. They said if I want to keep the body
thing and be in charge of exercise, then I need to keep the body
healthy. They pointed out how we don't want to exercise now because we
are sick. They said maybe I could help us get healthy and work with Shay.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Tue, 7 Oct 2008, confused wrote:
>>
>>> we are back from our trip
>>
>> that was quick!
>>
>>> we are tired and sick and mixed up
>>
>> :(
>>
>> is the antibiotic starting to work?
>>
> We asked Shay, but she says she doesn't know. I think it's hard to
> tell, especially since Wolfie keeps crying. I didn't know Wolfie
> could hurt so bad.
regrets wolfie hurts so bad
> They were talking to me last night. They said if I want to keep the
> body thing and be in charge of exercise, then I need to keep the body
> healthy. They pointed out how we don't want to exercise now because
> we are sick. They said maybe I could help us get healthy and work
> with Shay.
can you?
C of Confused
> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, C of Confused wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Tue, 7 Oct 2008, confused wrote:
>>>
>>>> we are back from our trip
>>>
>>> that was quick!
>>>
>>>> we are tired and sick and mixed up
>>>
>>> :(
>>>
>>> is the antibiotic starting to work?
>>>
>> We asked Shay, but she says she doesn't know. I think it's hard to
>> tell, especially since Wolfie keeps crying. I didn't know Wolfie
>> could hurt so bad.
>
> regrets wolfie hurts so bad
Well, she's also worried about both old cat and pup. We are going to
help with that. I think pup will be ok. We love pup. Wolfie doesn't
think that's enough but sometimes it is.
>
>> They were talking to me last night. They said if I want to keep the
>> body thing and be in charge of exercise, then I need to keep the body
>> healthy. They pointed out how we don't want to exercise now because
>> we are sick. They said maybe I could help us get healthy and work
>> with Shay.
>
> can you?
>
I don't know. I am willing to try.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, C of Confused wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Tue, 7 Oct 2008, confused wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> we are back from our trip
>>>>
>>>> that was quick!
>>>>
>>>>> we are tired and sick and mixed up
>>>>
>>>> :(
>>>>
>>>> is the antibiotic starting to work?
>>>>
>>> We asked Shay, but she says she doesn't know. I think it's hard to
>>> tell, especially since Wolfie keeps crying. I didn't know Wolfie
>>> could hurt so bad.
>>
>> regrets wolfie hurts so bad
>
> Well, she's also worried about both old cat and pup. We are going to
> help with that. I think pup will be ok. We love pup. Wolfie doesn't
> think that's enough but sometimes it is.
we think it's really important
>>> They were talking to me last night. They said if I want to keep the
>>> body thing and be in charge of exercise, then I need to keep the
>>> body healthy. They pointed out how we don't want to exercise now
>>> because we are sick. They said maybe I could help us get healthy
>>> and work with Shay.
>>
>> can you?
>>
> I don't know. I am willing to try.
think that's all someone can do
C of Confused
it became sort of real. Then the stuffed rabbit has to get destroyed
and it's really really sad, but then he becomes a real wild rabbit. It's
like he had to go through all that hurt before he could become all the
way real.
confused
> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, C of Confused wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, C of Confused wrote:
>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>> On Tue, 7 Oct 2008, confused wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> we are back from our trip
>>>>>
>>>>> that was quick!
>>>>>
>>>>>> we are tired and sick and mixed up
>>>>>
>>>>> :(
>>>>>
>>>>> is the antibiotic starting to work?
>>>>>
>>>> We asked Shay, but she says she doesn't know. I think it's hard to
>>>> tell, especially since Wolfie keeps crying. I didn't know Wolfie
>>>> could hurt so bad.
>>>
>>> regrets wolfie hurts so bad
>>
>> Well, she's also worried about both old cat and pup. We are going to
>> help with that. I think pup will be ok. We love pup. Wolfie doesn't
>> think that's enough but sometimes it is.
>
> we think it's really important
Yes! It isn't any different then us. When we have our really bad moments
we have pup to hold onto. He makes things not so bad. And sometimes when
we take him out for walks or play with him, he makes things wonderful.
That's what we do for pup.
I think Wolfie thinks right now is forever. With old cat sick and pup
having problems and her feeling bad.
>
>>>> They were talking to me last night. They said if I want to keep the
>>>> body thing and be in charge of exercise, then I need to keep the
>>>> body healthy. They pointed out how we don't want to exercise now
>>>> because we are sick. They said maybe I could help us get healthy
>>>> and work with Shay.
>>>
>>> can you?
>>>
>> I don't know. I am willing to try.
>
> think that's all someone can do
>
Ok, they say we shouldn't fast. I don't like that very much.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, C of Confused wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, C of Confused wrote:
>>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>> On Tue, 7 Oct 2008, confused wrote:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> we are back from our trip
>>>>>>
>>>>>> that was quick!
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> we are tired and sick and mixed up
>>>>>>
>>>>>> :(
>>>>>>
>>>>>> is the antibiotic starting to work?
>>>>>>
>>>>> We asked Shay, but she says she doesn't know. I think it's hard
>>>>> to tell, especially since Wolfie keeps crying. I didn't know
>>>>> Wolfie could hurt so bad.
>>>>
>>>> regrets wolfie hurts so bad
>>>
>>> Well, she's also worried about both old cat and pup. We are going
>>> to help with that. I think pup will be ok. We love pup. Wolfie
>>> doesn't think that's enough but sometimes it is.
>>
>> we think it's really important
>
> Yes! It isn't any different then us. When we have our really bad
> moments we have pup to hold onto. He makes things not so bad. And
> sometimes when we take him out for walks or play with him, he makes
> things wonderful. That's what we do for pup.
yes
> I think Wolfie thinks right now is forever. With old cat sick and pup
> having problems and her feeling bad.
these kinds of feelings always feel like forever :(
>>>>> They were talking to me last night. They said if I want to keep
>>>>> the body thing and be in charge of exercise, then I need to keep
>>>>> the body healthy. They pointed out how we don't want to exercise
>>>>> now because we are sick. They said maybe I could help us get
>>>>> healthy and work with Shay.
>>>>
>>>> can you?
>>>>
>>> I don't know. I am willing to try.
>>
>> think that's all someone can do
>>
> Ok, they say we shouldn't fast. I don't like that very much.
fasting is a sin if you're sick
and it's a sin if it would make eating harder because of ed
C of Confused
Pup is outside chasing a squirrel. We think the squirrel likes to tease
pup. It will run part way down a tree or all the way down to the ground
and shake it's tail at pup. Then pup gets all excited and chases. The
squirrel goes back up the tree. When pup finally stops paying attention
the squirrel runs down and the whole thing starts all over again :) And
the squirrel was trying to make a nest in our hammock!
Maybe Wolfie needs me to believe pup will be ok. I really think he will.
>
>> I think Wolfie thinks right now is forever. With old cat sick and pup
>> having problems and her feeling bad.
>
> these kinds of feelings always feel like forever :(
>
Yes :( I am hoping will post again. I think she needs to talk and not
get shut in. I know I've been a problem but I really want to help.
>>>>>> They were talking to me last night. They said if I want to keep
>>>>>> the body thing and be in charge of exercise, then I need to keep
>>>>>> the body healthy. They pointed out how we don't want to exercise
>>>>>> now because we are sick. They said maybe I could help us get
>>>>>> healthy and work with Shay.
>>>>>
>>>>> can you?
>>>>>
>>>> I don't know. I am willing to try.
>>>
>>> think that's all someone can do
>>>
>> Ok, they say we shouldn't fast. I don't like that very much.
>
> fasting is a sin if you're sick
> and it's a sin if it would make eating harder because of ed
>
:( I don't want to sin. I don't feel like we've even thought much about
the holidays this time. It's still really hard for me to believe we have
an ED.
astri
heh
when we were in college, roommate left an open jar of peanut butter on
the desk near an open window. a squirrel decided to hop in and help
himself.
> Maybe Wolfie needs me to believe pup will be ok. I really think he
> will.
seems to be hanging in so far.
>>> I think Wolfie thinks right now is forever. With old cat sick and
>>> pup having problems and her feeling bad.
>>
>> these kinds of feelings always feel like forever :(
>>
> Yes :( I am hoping will post again. I think she needs to talk and not
> get shut in. I know I've been a problem but I really want to help.
can see you really want to help.
hope she posts again, too.
we'll be around all day on and off.
working at puter writing a presentation today (after exercise and
breakfast).
>>>>>>> They were talking to me last night. They said if I want to keep
>>>>>>> the body thing and be in charge of exercise, then I need to
>>>>>>> keep the body healthy. They pointed out how we don't want to
>>>>>>> exercise now because we are sick. They said maybe I could help
>>>>>>> us get healthy and work with Shay.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> can you?
>>>>>>
>>>>> I don't know. I am willing to try.
>>>>
>>>> think that's all someone can do
>>>>
>>> Ok, they say we shouldn't fast. I don't like that very much.
>>
>> fasting is a sin if you're sick
>> and it's a sin if it would make eating harder because of ed
>>
> :( I don't want to sin. I don't feel like we've even thought much
> about the holidays this time. It's still really hard for me to
> believe we have an ED.
understand
Wolfie of Confused
> confused wrote:
>> Puddles wrote:
>>> Puddles wrote:
>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>> On Tue, 7 Oct 2008, Puddles wrote:
>>>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>>> On Mon, 6 Oct 2008, Puddles wrote:
<snip>
is a good place here
>
> sorry yous tired and sick and mixed up. long sigh. we are knowing this
> feeling well. :(
>
regrets
(think we are ok, just being whiny)
> (we ( me and yous ) will get through it though, there is an end to this)
>
hope so
> so i keep telling myself.
>
is a good message i think
> sorry, maybe not helpful.
>
helps
puddles
ok so, if it's not fair then how do people 'not see' that? how do normal
ppl continue to ignore the unfairness? I think when we (asd) see unfair
it devastates us and we have to file it with the hurts.
but, 'normal' ppl don't have filing systems like we (asd) do. so, how do
they (normal ppl) not address the unfairness of it all?
Even if it is a childlike thing that is implanted (like you said , kids
are told to be fair) then how would that stay embedded in the belief
system? Kids experience the MOST unfairness of all age groups. They deal
with teasing in school, unable to make independent decisions etc.
So, if it is not 'truly' embedded in all kids, i wonder how it stuck
with us? I wonder why we held on to that belief despite everything the
world presented (even with contradictions in childhood).
I mean, you don't see society walking around saying , wow, thats not
fair. Just us (even if it is not out loud). Are we the only ones who
notice? Are we the only ones who truly feel the impact of an unjust
world and everyone else has grown numb to it?
I don't get it either astri but if you figure it out, let me know.
puddles
no, does it need a spoiler?
puddles
In waves now. I am in and out of the waves. At least it is better than
being SI all the time. trying to hold on. t has helped a lot with
emails. The only problem is, cure is trying to grab hold of the surf
board when we flip it upside down. :P
still here. still fighting. will be back later. have lots of posts to
catch up on. we read that wolfie is crying and we are worried.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, puddles wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>> ==============
>>>>
>>>> (there's *lots* that's not fair)
>>>> (fair is a lie fed to kids)
>>>> (everyone denies feeding it)
>>>> (but someone has to have)
>>>
>>> astri, what do you mean by this? i often say that 'its not fair'
>>> but not sure what it means. it comes from inside. this post is
>>> confusing and i was wondering if you could give more details?
>>
>> talking about the sense we somehow got (and many appear to have
>> gotten) that the world is somehow apparently supposed to be fair
>> (why else would we be complaining if things aren't fair?). seems
>> like a message kids get -- a very powerful message. but then when
>> that's mentioned, everyone denies giving that message because "of
>> course the world isn't fair."
>>
>> but maybe we're wrong. thinking about it right now, maybe the
>> message isn't that the world is supposed to be fair. kids are told
>> all the time to be fair and to do stuff because that would be fair.
>> maybe they just figure out for themselves that false message that
>> the world is supposed to be fair?
>>
>> dunno, really.
>
> normal ppl continue to ignore the unfairness? I think when we (asd)
> see unfair it devastates us and we have to file it with the hurts.
>
> but, 'normal' ppl don't have filing systems like we (asd) do. so, how
> do they (normal ppl) not address the unfairness of it all?
maybe it doesn't bother them as much?
> Even if it is a childlike thing that is implanted (like you said ,
> kids are told to be fair) then how would that stay embedded in the
> belief system? Kids experience the MOST unfairness of all age groups.
> They deal with teasing in school, unable to make independent
> decisions etc.
>
> So, if it is not 'truly' embedded in all kids, i wonder how it stuck
> with us? I wonder why we held on to that belief despite everything
> the world presented (even with contradictions in childhood).
maybe because we still have littles?
> I mean, you don't see society walking around saying , wow, thats not
> fair. Just us (even if it is not out loud). Are we the only ones who
> notice? Are we the only ones who truly feel the impact of an unjust
> world and everyone else has grown numb to it?
>
> I don't get it either astri but if you figure it out, let me know.
heh
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, puddles wrote:
>>> gathring wrote:
>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> you are real.
>>>>> being real hurts.
>>>>>
>>>>> :(
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>> yeah, just ask the velveteen rabbit
>>>>
>>>
>>> ?
>>
>> do you know the story of the velveteen rabbit?
>
don't think so. is a really lovely, but somewhat sad children's story.
maybe can get it from library to read to things one and two?
is about stuffy bunny who is loved so much by boy that he becomes real.
but there are a lot of losses in story, too. has to go through a lot
to become real.
keiki loves that story.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, puddles wrote:
>>
>>> (we ( me and yous ) will get through it though, there is an end to
>>> this)
>>>
>>> so i keep telling myself.
>>>
>>> sorry, maybe not helpful.
>>
>> is the most helpful message around, actually.
>
> than being SI all the time. trying to hold on. t has helped a lot
> with emails. The only problem is, cure is trying to grab hold of the
> surf board when we flip it upside down. :P
but you are surfing
and the waves eventually settle
> still here. still fighting. will be back later. have lots of posts to
> catch up on. we read that wolfie is crying and we are worried.
ok
Juniper
astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, puddles wrote:
> > astri wrote:
> >> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, puddles wrote:
> >>> gathring wrote:
> >>>> astri wrote:
> >>>>>
> >>>>> you are real.
> >>>>> being real hurts.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> :(
> >>>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> yeah, just ask the velveteen rabbit
> >>>>
> >>>
> >>> ?
> >>
> >> do you know the story of the velveteen rabbit?
> >
> > no, does it need a spoiler?
>
> don't think so. is a really lovely, but somewhat sad children's story.
> maybe can get it from library to read to things one and two?
>
> is about stuffy bunny who is loved so much by boy that he becomes real.
> but there are a lot of losses in story, too. has to go through a lot
> to become real.
>
> keiki loves that story.
It's a real tear jerker, but it's also powerfully symbolic and healing.
IMO.
Juniper
Juniper
astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
> > but, 'normal' ppl don't have filing systems like we (asd) do. so, how
> > do they (normal ppl) not address the unfairness of it all?
>
> maybe it doesn't bother them as much?
I think so-called "normal" people respond to unfairness by a variety of
means: grumbling, passive-agressive response, drinking, accumulate
stress in their body, and so on. It "bothers," but the bothering is
handled differently, often internalized.
Juniper
Puddles
i know that i had the book as a child but i don't remember it. maybe on
an e-book or sumpin? I will have to see if i can find a copy.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, puddles wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, puddles wrote:
>>>>> gathring wrote:
>>>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> you are real.
>>>>>>> being real hurts.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> :(
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> yeah, just ask the velveteen rabbit
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> ?
>>>>
>>>> do you know the story of the velveteen rabbit?
>>>
>>> no, does it need a spoiler?
>>
>> don't think so. is a really lovely, but somewhat sad children's
>> story. maybe can get it from library to read to things one and two?
>>
>> is about stuffy bunny who is loved so much by boy that he becomes
>> real. but there are a lot of losses in story, too. has to go
>> through a lot to become real.
>>
>> keiki loves that story.
>
> on an e-book or sumpin? I will have to see if i can find a copy.
ok
is worth it
(hi)
Puddles
hi astri, how are you doing?
Puddles
Juniper, what is you opinion of the phrase, 'its not fair'? Where does
it come from? is is justified or am i just more prone to being a victim?
Puddles
how ya doing today Wolfie?
Puddles
You know, thinking more about this, really fair and unfair *is* normal.
I mean, I think that hyperfocus is what makes me think that I am
different. Really, there is no difference between myself and normal
society. It is certainly a choice to hyperfocus but so is normality.
I don't think i have this dx. I really don't. I mean, I read somewhere
that s*xual abuse survivors often can have emotional balance issues.
I think that is what is wrong with me. I need to just stop being
unbalanced. Funny thing too, cause br*ther sent me a newspaper article
today in the mail. Said something like, '9 things to do to get over a
bad childhood'.
Basically br*ther (and article) is saying, 'get over it'. And I finally
agree (took me long enough). I just need to get over it. I think it is a
transformation for me but it works! I just need to get over it. And, as
bizarre as it may seem, I did it with only the consideration.
There is nothing wrong with me. And getting 'over it' is the ultimate
cure to my emotional immaturity lately. So, in regards to fairness. No,
life isn't fair. duh. I have always known that. its a non issue.
confused
I think some just continue to deny. I think some see it and it leads
them to become sarcastic or self-centered. the healthy ones, accept it.
they feel the hurts and acknowledge and try to focus on the good things
in their life and the things they can do
>
> but, 'normal' ppl don't have filing systems like we (asd) do. so, how do
> they (normal ppl) not address the unfairness of it all?
>
think some do. think some of the amazing people you find in the world,
people who work in organizations that help others or the world are
addressing it in the only way they know how, by trying to make change
> Even if it is a childlike thing that is implanted (like you said , kids
> are told to be fair) then how would that stay embedded in the belief
> system? Kids experience the MOST unfairness of all age groups. They deal
> with teasing in school, unable to make independent decisions etc.
>
> So, if it is not 'truly' embedded in all kids, i wonder how it stuck
> with us? I wonder why we held on to that belief despite everything the
> world presented (even with contradictions in childhood).
>
oof... see, we (I mean confused we, not ASD we) avoid thinking about
fair. we avoid saying not fair. we insist that the world isn't fair and
we shouldn't expect it or have any feelings about it. but maybe the
littles feel differently (know they do).
so, why do we get embedded... <sigh>... because what we experienced
wasn't the typical childhood "not fair". because to acknowledge that
maybe means acknowledging we never had that childhood. it isn't the not
fair, it's what goes with it. it's the hurt and fear and aloneness.
> I mean, you don't see society walking around saying , wow, thats not
> fair. Just us (even if it is not out loud). Are we the only ones who
> notice? Are we the only ones who truly feel the impact of an unjust
> world and everyone else has grown numb to it?
>
think your perception is skewed here. think plenty of people acknowledge
the unfairness. maybe they don't use those words, but they talk about
"what is just" or "the way things should be".
> I don't get it either astri but if you figure it out, let me know.
well, gave my thoughts. not sure it's worth much
Wolfie of Confused
> astri wrote:
>> On Wed, 8 Oct 2008, puddles wrote:
>>
>>> (we ( me and yous ) will get through it though, there is an end to
>>> this)
>>>
>>> so i keep telling myself.
>>>
>>> sorry, maybe not helpful.
>>
>> is the most helpful message around, actually.
>>
>> -- astri
>>
>> ======================
>> to email send to astri
>> ======================
>> at volcano dot org
>> ======================
>>
>
> In waves now. I am in and out of the waves. At least it is better than
> being SI all the time. trying to hold on. t has helped a lot with
> emails. The only problem is, cure is trying to grab hold of the surf
> board when we flip it upside down. :P
>
> still here. still fighting. will be back later. have lots of posts to
> catch up on. we read that wolfie is crying and we are worried.
please keep fighting. we are worried about you :P don't need to worry
about me. am fine :P
Wolfie of Confused
umm...
Puddles
hee hee you don't need to worry about me! I am fine, i am still worried
about you though.