Re: puddles
astri
>To: as...@volcano.org
>Subject: puddles
>
> I cant keep signal long enough to answer your email. I am better
> today I think maybe but lots of *benzo. I think I have to find new t
> now. I think I understand maybe he is not good t for me. Tuttle
> should not have done that astri she should not. Wrote this for asd:
> Hi astri. I wrote this in word doc because I cant keep a signal long
> enough to post on asd. I was hoping you could post this for me:
> Maybe use spoiler
definitely spoiler to talk about now danger
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
> Hi asd. I need some help. I didn’t tell but now maybe I should. A
> man threatened to light me on fire and then himself and blow my place
> of employment up. When he said that, I had body memories of my dad
> burning our house down and lighting himself on fire. I could smell
> the fire when this current man said those words to me. No one has
> ever said anything like that to me. As he was yelling at me, and in
> lunge position to attack me, my lungs filled up with smoke and I
> couldn’t breath. T says current fright also makes your body not
> breath.
> I got a protection order against this man who threatened me but the
> flashbacks didn’t stop and I am still having trouble understanding
> now from then and it hurts with anger inside and I am scared that
> fire is going to happen and someone is going to die. My dad died when
> I was 6.
> T and I talked about jello on Friday and I couldn’t tell him how
> much I still can’t breath and I wanted to be a big girl with t and
> not dwell on back flashes. Then, over the weekend, tuttle (the
> working puddle) decided to show to something that made t reveal scary
> misperceptions on my pieces. In essence, I did a type of therapeutic
> modality to demonstrate object relations theory. In doing so, t
> wouldn’t answer because I went to deep and his body language jumped
> away from what I was doing that indicated defenses.
> Tuttle understands all this but the rest of us are interpreting it as
> t is not liking partner t to see me and that maybe t is getting too
> overwhelmed at work and feels too much responsibility for his clients
> and needs some freedom. Made us feel like we are too much for t.
> made us feel like we are too much responsibility. Made us feel like t
> doesn’t like us.
> I only meant to show him how to help me communicate. By addressing
> toy pieces in a way that gets to the point instead of letting me spin
> around for a week or two until I can bury stuff inside. I just wanted
> to show to how to use object relations with me while helping me to
> communicate.
> Now everything is messed up. All my pieces are scared and I had to go
> lost to be able to function. I took a bunch of *Xanax today to keep
> me from pac pace pace because it feels like I lost everyone that can
> help me.
> Astri helped me to remember that asd is here. I am so scared and I
> can’t think straight. I went into work yesterday and they talked
> about man. They talked about him coming back. In my mind, I thought
> he died. I thought the fire happen and forgot I have to be alert and
> remember ‘now’.
> I think I made t mad at me. I think t doesn’t want to help me
> anymore or see me and I need help real bad. I emailed t and wrote
> this:
> I knew I would not be ok when I left. I made that choice. I made the
> choice to show you a short cut to help me communicate. Because I cant
> tell. Because its there but it doesn’t have words. And to be in the
> present is too much fear and too much anger and Im scared and feels
> like I have to hide because you can’t help me anymore unless I help
> you help me. So, if its ok, I am hoping that you will do the pieces
> with me on Friday. Because I am too much now and half to go lost and
> be hide. Because I can’t do fear and anger anymore and I don’t
> know how to tell you. And someone won’t let me have words. If you
> can tell me its ok to do toy pieces on Friday I think maybe I can
> have a ‘timed’ lost and come back because I really really want
> the butterflies to take all this away. And feels like I have to say
> sorry but I don’t not know why, just that to say sorry k? And it
> would help to ask me about the different pieces k? sorry t. sorry.
> Please please please someone tell me I am ok. Tell me I can stay in
> now and know then and now and not breath smoke and smell burn flesh
> and hear his screams. I am so scared I mess up with t. I think he
> doesn’t want to care anymore.
astri
> To: astri
fuzzy
hi puddles
sounds like really hard time. big regrets
we here (sort of)
we think you have the skills to get through this
>> Hi asd. I need some help. I didn�t tell but now maybe I should. A
>> man threatened to light me on fire and then himself and blow my place
>> of employment up. When he said that, I had body memories of my dad
>> burning our house down and lighting himself on fire. I could smell
>> the fire when this current man said those words to me. No one has
>> ever said anything like that to me. As he was yelling at me, and in
>> lunge position to attack me, my lungs filled up with smoke and I
>> couldn�t breath. T says current fright also makes your body not
>> breath.
>
>> I got a protection order against this man who threatened me but the
>> flashbacks didn�t stop and I am still having trouble understanding
>> now from then and it hurts with anger inside and I am scared that
>> fire is going to happen and someone is going to die. My dad died when
>> I was 6.
>
>> T and I talked about jello on Friday and I couldn�t tell him how
>> much I still can�t breath and I wanted to be a big girl with t and
>> not dwell on back flashes. Then, over the weekend, tuttle (the
>> working puddle) decided to show to something that made t reveal scary
>> misperceptions on my pieces. In essence, I did a type of therapeutic
>> modality to demonstrate object relations theory. In doing so, t
>> wouldn�t answer because I went to deep and his body language jumped
>> away from what I was doing that indicated defenses.
>
>> Tuttle understands all this but the rest of us are interpreting it as
>> t is not liking partner t to see me and that maybe t is getting too
>> overwhelmed at work and feels too much responsibility for his clients
>> and needs some freedom. Made us feel like we are too much for t.
>> made us feel like we are too much responsibility. Made us feel like t
>> doesn�t like us.
>
>> I only meant to show him how to help me communicate. By addressing
>> toy pieces in a way that gets to the point instead of letting me spin
>> around for a week or two until I can bury stuff inside. I just wanted
>> to show to how to use object relations with me while helping me to
>> communicate.
>
>> Now everything is messed up. All my pieces are scared and I had to go
>> lost to be able to function. I took a bunch of *Xanax today to keep
>> me from pac pace pace because it feels like I lost everyone that can
>> help me.
>
>> Astri helped me to remember that asd is here. I am so scared and I
>> can�t think straight. I went into work yesterday and they talked
>> about man. They talked about him coming back. In my mind, I thought
>> he died. I thought the fire happen and forgot I have to be alert and
>> remember �now�.
>
>> I think I made t mad at me. I think t doesn�t want to help me
>> anymore or see me and I need help real bad. I emailed t and wrote
>> this:
>
>> I knew I would not be ok when I left. I made that choice. I made the
>> choice to show you a short cut to help me communicate. Because I cant
>> tell. Because its there but it doesn�t have words. And to be in the
>> present is too much fear and too much anger and Im scared and feels
>> like I have to hide because you can�t help me anymore unless I help
>> you help me. So, if its ok, I am hoping that you will do the pieces
>> with me on Friday. Because I am too much now and half to go lost and
>> be hide. Because I can�t do fear and anger anymore and I don�t
>> know how to tell you. And someone won�t let me have words. If you
>> can tell me its ok to do toy pieces on Friday I think maybe I can
>> have a �timed� lost and come back because I really really want
>> the butterflies to take all this away. And feels like I have to say
>> sorry but I don�t not know why, just that to say sorry k? And it
>> would help to ask me about the different pieces k? sorry t. sorry.
>
>> Please please please someone tell me I am ok. Tell me I can stay in
>> now and know then and now and not breath smoke and smell burn flesh
>> and hear his screams. I am so scared I mess up with t. I think he
>> doesn�t want to care anymore.
Emerging Butterfly
> >> man threatened to light me on fire and then himself and blow my place
> >> of employment up. When he said that, I had body memories of my dad
> >> burning our house down and lighting himself on fire. I could smell
> >> the fire when this current man said those words to me. No one has
> >> ever said anything like that to me. As he was yelling at me, and in
> >> lunge position to attack me, my lungs filled up with smoke and I
> >> breath.
>
> >> I got a protection order against this man who threatened me but the
> >> now from then and it hurts with anger inside and I am scared that
> >> fire is going to happen and someone is going to die. My dad died when
> >> I was 6.
>
> >> much I still can’t breath and I wanted to be a big girl with t and
> >> not dwell on back flashes. Then, over the weekend, tuttle (the
> >> working puddle) decided to show to something that made t reveal scary
> >> misperceptions on my pieces. In essence, I did a type of therapeutic
> >> modality to demonstrate object relations theory. In doing so, t
> >> away from what I was doing that indicated defenses.
>
> >> Tuttle understands all this but the rest of us are interpreting it as
> >> t is not liking partner t to see me and that maybe t is getting too
> >> overwhelmed at work and feels too much responsibility for his clients
> >> and needs some freedom. Made us feel like we are too much for t.
> >> made us feel like we are too much responsibility. Made us feel like t
>
> >> I only meant to show him how to help me communicate. By addressing
> >> toy pieces in a way that gets to the point instead of letting me spin
> >> around for a week or two until I can bury stuff inside. I just wanted
> >> to show to how to use object relations with me while helping me to
> >> communicate.
>
> >> Now everything is messed up. All my pieces are scared and I had to go
> >> lost to be able to function. I took a bunch of *Xanax today to keep
> >> me from pac pace pace because it feels like I lost everyone that can
> >> help me.
>
> >> Astri helped me to remember that asd is here. I am so scared and I
> >> about man. They talked about him coming back. In my mind, I thought
> >> he died. I thought the fire happen and forgot I have to be alert and
>
> >> I think I made t mad at me. I think t doesn’t want to help me
> >> anymore or see me and I need help real bad. I emailed t and wrote
> >> this:
>
> >> I knew I would not be ok when I left. I made that choice. I made the
> >> choice to show you a short cut to help me communicate. Because I cant
> >> present is too much fear and too much anger and Im scared and feels
> >> you help me. So, if its ok, I am hoping that you will do the pieces
> >> with me on Friday. Because I am too much now and half to go lost and
> >> know how to tell you. And someone won’t let me have words. If you
> >> can tell me its ok to do toy pieces on Friday I think maybe I can
> >> the butterflies to take all this away. And feels like I have to say
> >> would help to ask me about the different pieces k? sorry t. sorry.
>
> >> Please please please someone tell me I am ok. Tell me I can stay in
> >> now and know then and now and not breath smoke and smell burn flesh
> >> and hear his screams. I am so scared I mess up with t. I think he
yeah. um, what she said. :)
Puddles
>>>> man threatened to light me on fire and then himself and blow my place
>>>> of employment up. When he said that, I had body memories of my dad
>>>> burning our house down and lighting himself on fire. I could smell
>>>> the fire when this current man said those words to me. No one has
>>>> ever said anything like that to me. As he was yelling at me, and in
>>>> lunge position to attack me, my lungs filled up with smoke and I
>>>> breath.
>>>> I got a protection order against this man who threatened me but the
>>>> now from then and it hurts with anger inside and I am scared that
>>>> fire is going to happen and someone is going to die. My dad died when
>>>> I was 6.
>>>> much I still can�t breath and I wanted to be a big girl with t and
>>>> not dwell on back flashes. Then, over the weekend, tuttle (the
>>>> working puddle) decided to show to something that made t reveal scary
>>>> misperceptions on my pieces. In essence, I did a type of therapeutic
>>>> modality to demonstrate object relations theory. In doing so, t
>>>> away from what I was doing that indicated defenses.
>>>> Tuttle understands all this but the rest of us are interpreting it as
>>>> t is not liking partner t to see me and that maybe t is getting too
>>>> overwhelmed at work and feels too much responsibility for his clients
>>>> and needs some freedom. Made us feel like we are too much for t.
>>>> made us feel like we are too much responsibility. Made us feel like t
>>>> I only meant to show him how to help me communicate. By addressing
>>>> toy pieces in a way that gets to the point instead of letting me spin
>>>> around for a week or two until I can bury stuff inside. I just wanted
>>>> to show to how to use object relations with me while helping me to
>>>> communicate.
>>>> Now everything is messed up. All my pieces are scared and I had to go
>>>> lost to be able to function. I took a bunch of *Xanax today to keep
>>>> me from pac pace pace because it feels like I lost everyone that can
>>>> help me.
>>>> Astri helped me to remember that asd is here. I am so scared and I
>>>> about man. They talked about him coming back. In my mind, I thought
>>>> he died. I thought the fire happen and forgot I have to be alert and
>>>> I think I made t mad at me. I think t doesn�t want to help me
>>>> anymore or see me and I need help real bad. I emailed t and wrote
>>>> this:
>>>> I knew I would not be ok when I left. I made that choice. I made the
>>>> choice to show you a short cut to help me communicate. Because I cant
>>>> present is too much fear and too much anger and Im scared and feels
>>>> you help me. So, if its ok, I am hoping that you will do the pieces
>>>> with me on Friday. Because I am too much now and half to go lost and
>>>> know how to tell you. And someone won�t let me have words. If you
>>>> can tell me its ok to do toy pieces on Friday I think maybe I can
>>>> the butterflies to take all this away. And feels like I have to say
>>>> would help to ask me about the different pieces k? sorry t. sorry.
>>>> Please please please someone tell me I am ok. Tell me I can stay in
>>>> now and know then and now and not breath smoke and smell burn flesh
>>>> and hear his screams. I am so scared I mess up with t. I think he
>
> yeah. um, what she said. :)
?
fuzzy
<snip>
> ?
hi
EB
hi. the "what she said" was me echoing what fuzzy had said to you.
hi.
Puddles
nothing, i might want to disolve with invisible.
i dont want to exist.
t cant hear me.
Puddles
it hurts so much, i cant breath. i don't know why it hurts but its
almost intolerable. i keep trying to hang on, i tried real hard to tell
t. i only know how much it hurts and how much i want it to stop.
Puddles
i hate being hopeless. i hate being me.
astri
> here. don't want to be anywhere execpt no where and if i couuld be
> nothing, i might want to disolve with invisible.
hi
> i dont want to exist.
:(
> t cant hear me.
we can
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
astri
> it hurts so much, i cant breath. i don't know why it hurts but its
> almost intolerable. i keep trying to hang on, i tried real hard to
> tell t. i only know how much it hurts and how much i want it to stop.
is same from now threat guy? or different stuff?
astri
> i hate being hopeless. i hate being me.
:(
Puddles
i dont think anyone can. no one can hear me.
Puddles
i dont know i dont know i dont know...is hurts of the big kind and feels
like cant puddles trying to say 'stop stop stop' and dont fall off the
cliff but si puddles is pushing and pushing to get out. and too much
push and hurts all at once.
gathring
can try, but have no help for you
--
But a reality check here: this is not some great moral failing. It's
part of learning to be securely human in a confusing world. - Baba Yaga
Puddles
hurts so much. is so much sad. like, super big sad sad hurt.
Puddles
> Puddles wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>>
>>>> here. don't want to be anywhere execpt no where and if i couuld be
>>>> nothing, i might want to disolve with invisible.
>>>
>>> hi
>>>
>>>> i dont want to exist.
>>>
>>> :(
>>>
>>>> t cant hear me.
>>>
>>> we can
>>>
>>> -- astri
>>>
>>> ======================
>>> to email send to astri
>>> ======================
>>> at volcano dot org
>>> ======================
>>>
>>
>> i dont think anyone can. no one can hear me.
>
> can try, but have no help for you
>
how come have no help? u not ok too?
Puddles
too much. this is too much.
gathring
nod, is big bad time
Emerging Butterfly
hurts very much not to be heard. so sorry. sounds like you tried to
open something up to him and he was not able to hear.
can you tell us about the thing you showed him?
we'll listen. we'll likely even get it. no defensiveness here, no need
to turn away anything you say or present. you can be heard now.
Emerging Butterfly
reminds me of my very very young trauma. when i was very small and
trying to get needs met and wasn't heard, i could literally feel my
life slipping away, what they now call "failure to thrive" setting in.
even more bothersome, i couldn't seem to fail to thrive. there was
just enough that i kept reaching, asking, wanting, and kept feeling
desperately alone there, bereft of even the sense of my own breath,
waiting....waiting for someone to come to the crib. to hear me.
they wouldn't come.
i was so hungry. i was so in pain. i wanted so much, tried to trust so
much. and nobody came.
and then, nearing the end of my rope, someone was there. which, in
some ways, only made it worse. i wanted to reach and be heard or quit
reaching. not this painful horrible in between state.
is a narrative, not sure if it's true. does capture my internal
landscape well.
i want you to feel heard and seen now. you're okay all of you.
Emerging Butterfly
Hey hey hey -- hey. I hear you. I hear you.
I hear you.
You're heard.
Emerging Butterfly
what's wrong?
fuzzy
:(
fuzzy
is lots of hard feelings
think maybe we been learning from you. can feel the feeling and survive
and then they don't hurt as bad
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>
>>> here. don't want to be anywhere execpt no where and if i couuld be
>>> nothing, i might want to disolve with invisible.
>>
>> hi
>>
>>> i dont want to exist.
>>
>> :(
>>
>>> t cant hear me.
>>
>> we can
>
you making sounds?
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>
>>> it hurts so much, i cant breath. i don't know why it hurts but its
>>> almost intolerable. i keep trying to hang on, i tried real hard to
>>> tell t. i only know how much it hurts and how much i want it to
>>> stop.
>>
>> is same from now threat guy? or different stuff?
>
> feels like cant puddles trying to say 'stop stop stop' and dont fall
> off the cliff but si puddles is pushing and pushing to get out. and
> too much push and hurts all at once.
lots and lots stress
you need to surf right now maybe
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>
>>> i hate being hopeless. i hate being me.
>>
>> :(
>
something trigger it?
astri
> nod, is big bad time
regrets
astri
> reminds me of my very very young trauma. when i was very small and
> trying to get needs met and wasn't heard, i could literally feel my
> life slipping away, what they now call "failure to thrive" setting in.
> even more bothersome, i couldn't seem to fail to thrive. there was
> just enough that i kept reaching, asking, wanting, and kept feeling
> desperately alone there, bereft of even the sense of my own breath,
> waiting....waiting for someone to come to the crib. to hear me.
> they wouldn't come.
> i was so hungry. i was so in pain. i wanted so much, tried to trust so
> much. and nobody came.
> and then, nearing the end of my rope, someone was there. which, in
> some ways, only made it worse. i wanted to reach and be heard or quit
> reaching. not this painful horrible in between state.
> is a narrative, not sure if it's true. does capture my internal
> landscape well.
eloquently sad
gathring
i
am wrong
gathring
> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>
>> nod, is big bad time
>
> regrets
is just is
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>
>>> nod, is big bad time
>>
>> regrets
>
> is just is
sigh
gathring
> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>
>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>
>>> regrets
>>
>> is just is
>
> sigh
i know, huh?
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>>
>>>> regrets
>>>
>>> is just is
>>
>> sigh
>
> i know, huh?
yeah
Puddles
but i don't know what it is and it won't come out. need hlep making it
come out and has to come to out now because been fighting to keep it
push down at t (a puddles not let it come out with t and tell) and is
too much now and cant breath with lots of smoke in the lungs and feels
like sad hurts real bad with no words.
Puddles
just like this, yes. need someone to come.
Puddles
but inside says NO. says no one can hear.
Puddles
feels like i am doing to d*e, feels like si coming.
Puddles
surf, thats right. i forgot. i can surf. i need to surf right now. is
way to get through the waves.
Puddles
when i see t, it makes it worse. it makes it worse because i can't tell.
i havn't been able to tell for a couple of weeks and we jus talk about
jello.
every time i leave there, it gets worse. more devestation, more sad.
this time, i toll t that i he is not following me and is not hearing me
and was loud and then went lost and now standing at a cliff.
feels worse and worse when i leave t even though he not saying or doing
anything but tried to understand today.
Puddles
is outside bad time or inside?
Puddles
and very well described. :(
Puddles
i like you, you have helped me lots.
Puddles
> astri wrote:
>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>
>>> nod, is big bad time
>>
>> regrets
>
> is just is
>
is in waves or all the time?
gathring
> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>>>
>>>>> regrets
>>>>
>>>> is just is
>>>
>>> sigh
>>
>> i know, huh?
>
> yeah
sigh
gathring
yesyesyes
gathring
glad. wish still could
gathring
is alla time, but can hide in functionality some
Emerging Butterfly
very painful feeling.
you have evidence that it's fact?
Emerging Butterfly
horrible feeling.
the smoke in lungs? that's a memory. is not now.
but know is very sad and hurts and no words. agonizing.
can you see if the one pushing it down in therapy would feel safe
letting you express it here?
Emerging Butterfly
can you let asd come?
can breathe now, it's okay to be.
it's okay now.
Emerging Butterfly
is that cuz t. so big in the internal world that he signifies external
rents and therefore, if he doesn't hear, there's no hope?
astri
smoke is then
astri
asd is here
astri
>> On Jul 13, 7:21 pm, Puddles <allthepudd...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>>>> here. don't want to be anywhere execpt no where and if i couuld
>>>>> be nothing, i might want to disolve with invisible.
>>>> hi
>>>>> i dont want to exist.
>>>> :(
>>>>> t cant hear me.
>>>> we can
>>
>> Hey hey hey -- hey. I hear you. I hear you.
>> I hear you.
>> You're heard.
>
> but inside says NO. says no one can hear.
not allowed?
astri
> surf, thats right. i forgot. i can surf. i need to surf right now. is
> way to get through the waves.
yes
you know how to surf
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> i hate being hopeless. i hate being me.
>>>>
>>>> :(
>>>
>>> hurts so much. is so much sad. like, super big sad sad hurt.
>>
>> something trigger it?
>
> tell. i havn't been able to tell for a couple of weeks and we jus
> talk about jello.
is it cuz of what tuttle did with t?
> every time i leave there, it gets worse. more devestation, more sad.
> this time, i toll t that i he is not following me and is not hearing
> me and was loud and then went lost and now standing at a cliff.
he can't mind read
you gotta tell him
you gotta let him hear and see
> feels worse and worse when i leave t even though he not saying or
> doing anything but tried to understand today.
use toys?
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>>>>
>>>>>> regrets
>>>>>
>>>>> is just is
>>>>
>>>> sigh
>>>
>>> i know, huh?
>>
>> yeah
>
> sigh
mhm
astri
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>
>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>
>>> regrets
>>
>
> yesyesyes
both?
astri
>> gathring wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>>
>>>> regrets
>>>
>>> is just is
>>>
>>
>> is in waves or all the time?
>
> is alla time, but can hide in functionality some
at least is that
but sigh
Puddles
> Puddles wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>
>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>
>>> regrets
>>>
>>> -- astri
>>>
>>> ======================
>>> to email send to astri
>>> ======================
>>> at volcano dot org
>>> ======================
>>>
>>
>> is outside bad time or inside?
>
> yesyesyes
>
is both?
Puddles
you are.
Puddles
> Puddles wrote:
>> gathring wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>>
>>>> regrets
>>>
>>> is just is
>>>
>>
>> is in waves or all the time?
>
> is alla time, but can hide in functionality some
>
i focused on work today, helped. was super focused and made it less
intense for awhile. made it so i could get more strength to keep
tolerating.
socks.
Puddles
i not do understands.
Puddles
am trying EB. am. am trying real hards. an is so much hurts. i not knows
why is so much hurts. is sad hurts k?
lilpddle
Puddles
think it is helping. you are helping. feels like someone here now and no
so much alone. but is still so hard to say or put the hurt in words. as
if, as if i did...it would make it 'known'..and that it would be too
painful to handle.
does that make sense? cause you are the one who usually follows me the
closest here, who can pin point the exact depth and level of feeling
when i am cant quite say what is wrong. its like you are magic sometimes.
whats wrong with me EB? why can't i be ok right now?
PUddle
Puddles
ouch. maybe is right. did you do this to?
Puddles
is now to. is my lungs and think t burns then members is not t and is
not now. is then astri. half to member is then k?
hope/lilpddle
Puddles
and you to? and you can be here?
Puddles
if anyone could hear, then si puddle is front. makes us shut down and
make it quiet again.
Puddles
i was trying to focus on an octopus in the water today. i could see him
under the green/blue with arms swimming around. i got up on my surfboard
so he couldn't get me and i could be safe.
think i am really far out to sea. :(
Puddles
think t said something about toys yesterday. that maybe i need to use
toys. but was too late in session.
yes, maybe that is how i can tell him. maybe. i scared though.
Emerging Butterfly
hi lilpddle. i get that it hurts real real bad. can lean on me for a
bit if you'd like. or hold this nice bear i'm giving you.
i know you're trying so so hard and it still hurts so much. i hear
you.
Emerging Butterfly
so glad.
but is still so hard to say or put the hurt in words.
yes. can you tell us a story or draw us a picture to show the hurt?
sometimes i picture how many pages of black something that happened to
me takes up. i keep filling pages in my mind with black until it's
enough pages to say *how* black it is or was.
as
> if, as if i did...it would make it 'known'..and that it would be too
> painful to handle.
it's scary to be known.
> does that make sense?
i think so. once you put it out there, all the depth and intensity of
the words, and someone truly hears, what if they reject or don't see
it right? easier to have no words than to put it out there?
cause you are the one who usually follows me the
> closest here, who can pin point the exact depth and level of feeling
> when i am cant quite say what is wrong. its like you are magic sometimes.
why thank you. i really appreciate the feedback and compliment.
> whats wrong with me EB? why can't i be ok right now?
think you're feelin deep deep scary scary stuff from before. think it
needs to come out but it's so painful and bad it feels like d*ing
sometimes. think terrible awful stuff happened to a sensitive little
girl and here you are now, dealing with the memories.
you are still reaching out to others. you are still here. you are very
very brave. you even help other people.
know it doesn't feel okay.
can tell you with time, those horrible horrible feelings will be a
little less...then a little less.
i'm also wondering -- it seems like your therapist seemingly leaves
you stranded and wordless at fundamental points in the therapy and
your speaking/showing him things. don't know whether this is good
secure attachment for you or not. think if it is, it will have rough
scary times but you'll feel better in the end. think if it isn't,
you're going through memories and devastation/abandonment in
relationship over and over again and it's like the trauma just doesn't
stop....like you start bl**ding and there's a bandaid and then the
wound reopens again and again. :(
>
> PUddle
Emerging Butterfly
yeah, i've done this too. i feel huge devastation or safety depending
on how my last session in therapy went. i'm doing object relations
type stuff too, automatically. therapist says that's okay.
but is scary scary and sometimes don't know if she's a good person to
do this with or not -- but then everything feels cataclysmic and it
usually -- well, always -- ends up fine. hard stuff.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Tue, 14 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>> Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>>> On Jul 13, 4:33 pm, Puddles <allthepudd...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>>>>> here. don't want to be anywhere execpt no where and if i couuld be
>>>>> nothing, i might want to disolve with invisible.
>>>>>
>>>>> i dont want to exist.
>>>>>
>>>>> t cant hear me.
>>>>
>>>> hurts very much not to be heard. so sorry. sounds like you tried
>>>> to open something up to him and he was not able to hear. can you
>>>> tell us about the thing you showed him? we'll listen. we'll likely
>>>> even get it. no defensiveness here, no need to turn away anything
>>>> you say or present. you can be heard now.
>>>
>>> but i don't know what it is and it won't come out. need hlep making
>>> it come out and has to come to out now because been fighting to
>>> keep it push down at t (a puddles not let it come out with t and
>>> tell) and is too much now and cant breath with lots of smoke in the
>>> lungs and feels like sad hurts real bad with no words.
>>
>> smoke is then
>
> not now. is then astri. half to member is then k?
>
> hope/lilpddle
yes, smoke is then. scared is maybe now, but smoke is then.
astri
>>
>> asd is here
>
> and you to? and you can be here?
yup.
here.
sometimes chopping jungle and sometimes reading book and sometimes
doing other things off line but always here, really.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Tue, 14 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>> Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>>> On Jul 13, 7:21 pm, Puddles <allthepudd...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>>>>>> here. don't want to be anywhere execpt no where and if i couuld
>>>>>>> be nothing, i might want to disolve with invisible.
>>>>>> hi
>>>>>>> i dont want to exist.
>>>>>> :(
>>>>>>> t cant hear me.
>>>>>> we can
>>>>> i dont think anyone can. no one can hear me.
>>>>
>>>> Hey hey hey -- hey. I hear you. I hear you.
>>>> I hear you.
>>>> You're heard.
>>>
>>> but inside says NO. says no one can hear.
>>
>> not allowed?
>
> make it quiet again.
scary to be heard
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Tue, 14 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>
>>> surf, thats right. i forgot. i can surf. i need to surf right now.
>>> is way to get through the waves.
>>
>> yes
>>
>> you know how to surf
>
> him under the green/blue with arms swimming around. i got up on my
> surfboard so he couldn't get me and i could be safe. think i am
> really far out to sea. :(
turn around. asd boat is right there with rope ladder down the side and
nice deck chair you can sit in and drink decadent deck drinks of
whatever flavor or persuasion you want.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Tue, 14 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> i hate being hopeless. i hate being me.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> :(
>>>>>
>>>>> hurts so much. is so much sad. like, super big sad sad hurt.
>>>>
>>>> something trigger it?
>>>
>>> when i see t, it makes it worse. it makes it worse because i can't
>>> tell. i havn't been able to tell for a couple of weeks and we jus
>>> talk about jello.
>>
>> is it cuz of what tuttle did with t?
>>
>>> every time i leave there, it gets worse. more devestation, more sad.
>>> this time, i toll t that i he is not following me and is not hearing
>>> me and was loud and then went lost and now standing at a cliff.
>>
>> he can't mind read
>> you gotta tell him
>> you gotta let him hear and see
>>
>>> feels worse and worse when i leave t even though he not saying or
>>> doing anything but tried to understand today.
>>
>> use toys?
>
> toys. but was too late in session.
>
> yes, maybe that is how i can tell him. maybe. i scared though.
scary stuff
can show him with toys
Puddles
is not ok to tell.
EB
> On Tue, 14 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
> > astri wrote:
>
> >> asd is here
>
> > and you to? and you can be here?
>
> yup.
>
> here.
>
> sometimes chopping jungle and sometimes reading book and sometimes
> doing other things off line but always here, really.
:) i like that. always here, really. :)
EB
is ok to tell now. you're safe.
and you can tell as it feels okay. or just tell a bit take teeny tiny
risk and see that nothing bad happens.
astri
> On Jul 14, 6:09 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Tue, 14 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>
>>>> asd is here
>>
>>> and you to? and you can be here?
>>
>> yup.
>>
>> here.
>>
>> sometimes chopping jungle and sometimes reading book and sometimes
>> doing other things off line but always here, really.
>
> :) i like that. always here, really. :)
is home
Puddles
> On Jul 14, 5:24 pm, Puddles <allthepudd...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>> Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>> On Jul 14, 4:41 am, Puddles <allthepudd...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>>>> Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>>>> On Jul 13, 4:49 pm, Puddles <allthepudd...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>>>>>> Puddles wrote:
>>>>>>> here. don't want to be anywhere execpt no where and if i couuld be
>>>>>>> nothing, i might want to disolve with invisible.
>>>>>>> i dont want to exist.
>>>>>>> t cant hear me.
>>>>>> it hurts so much, i cant breath. i don't know why it hurts but its
>>>>>> almost intolerable. i keep trying to hang on, i tried real hard to tell
>>>>>> t. i only know how much it hurts and how much i want it to stop.
>>>>> reminds me of my very very young trauma. when i was very small and
>>>>> trying to get needs met and wasn't heard, i could literally feel my
is too much. is too much said correctly. is t.
gathring
>>>> Puddles wrote:
>>>>> gathring wrote:
>>>>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, Puddles wrote:
>>>>>>>>> here. don't want to be anywhere execpt no where and if i couuld be
>>>>>>>>> nothing, i might want to disolve with invisible.
>>>>>>>>> i dont want to exist.
>>>>>>>>> t cant hear me.
>>>>>>>> we can
>>>>>>>> ======================
>>>>>>>> to email send to astri
>>>>>>>> ======================
>>>>>>>> at volcano dot org
>>>>>>>> ======================
>>>>> how come have no help? u not ok too?
>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>> --
>>>> But a reality check here: this is not some great moral failing. It's
>>>> part of learning to be securely human in a confusing world. - Baba Yaga
>>> what's wrong?
>> i
>>
>> am wrong
>>
> you have evidence that it's fact?
is what partner is telling me, or what i'm hearing. dunno. just wrong.
gathring
> On Tue, 14 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>> Puddles wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>>
>>>
>>> is outside bad time or inside?
>>
>> yesyesyes
>
> both?
yes
gathring
> On Tue, 14 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>> Puddles wrote:
>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>>>
>>>>> regrets
>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>> is in waves or all the time?
>>
>> is alla time, but can hide in functionality some
>
> but sigh
not much, is no work right now until thursday. need work, and can only
make so much.
gathring
> gathring wrote:
>> Puddles wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>>
>>>> regrets
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> ======================
>>>> to email send to astri
>>>> ======================
>>>> at volcano dot org
>>>> ======================
>>>>
>>>
>>
>> yesyesyes
>>
>
nod
gathring
> gathring wrote:
>> Puddles wrote:
>>>> Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>>>> On Jul 13, 8:08 pm, gathring <nospamcsto...@pacbell.net> wrote:
>>>>>>> gathring wrote:
>>>>>>>> Puddles wrote:
>>>>>>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>> here. don't want to be anywhere execpt no where and if i
>>>>>>>>>>> couuld be
>>>>>>>>>>> nothing, i might want to disolve with invisible.
>>>>>>>>>> hi
>>>>>>>>>>> i dont want to exist.
>>>>>>>>>> :(
>>>>>>>>>>> t cant hear me.
>>>>>>>>>> we can
>>>>>>>>>> ======================
>>>>>>>>>> to email send to astri
>>>>>>>>>> ======================
>>>>>>>>>> at volcano dot org
>>>>>>>>>> ======================
>>>>>>>> can try, but have no help for you
>>>>>>> how come have no help? u not ok too?
>>>>>>
>>>>>> But a reality check here: this is not some great moral failing. It's
>>>>>> part of learning to be securely human in a confusing world. - Baba
>>>>>> Yaga
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>> i
>>>>
>>>> am wrong
>>>>
>>>
>>
>> glad. wish still could
>>
>
> you are.
no, am useless bump on log
gathring
> gathring wrote:
>> Puddles wrote:
>>> gathring wrote:
>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>> is just is
>>>>
>>>
>>> is in waves or all the time?
>>
>> is alla time, but can hide in functionality some
>>
>
> intense for awhile. made it so i could get more strength to keep
> tolerating.
>
> socks.
is good you got more strengths.
major socks
Puddles
> astri wrote:
>> On Tue, 14 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>> Puddles wrote:
>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>>>
>>>>> regrets
>>>>
>>>> is outside bad time or inside?
>>>
>>> yesyesyes
>>
>> both?
>
> yes
>
is rejection?
Puddles
i don't think you are. i admire you.
Puddles
> Puddles wrote:
>> gathring wrote:
>>> Puddles wrote:
>>>> gathring wrote:
>>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>> On Mon, 13 Jul 2009, gathring wrote:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> nod, is big bad time
>>>>>>
>>>>>> regrets
>>>>>
>>>>> is just is
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>> is in waves or all the time?
>>>
>>> is alla time, but can hide in functionality some
>>>
>>
>> i focused on work today, helped. was super focused and made it less
>> intense for awhile. made it so i could get more strength to keep
>> tolerating.
>>
>> socks.
>
> is good you got more strengths.
> major socks
>
you have anything to 'focus' on without getting lost?
Puddles
what happen?
gathring
no, is ... dunno is not okayness
gathring
feel useless
gathring
can't find focus