stress/today
Sonata
today went to ballet
friend was in it
southwest nutcracker
she was the snow queen :)
but first act of ballet
was little girl sat next to us
maybe two years old
way too little to appreciate ballet
talking and moving and bouncind and banging on chair and whining that
she was tired and throwing a fit when her p*rent tried to get her to
stop banging and hush
small spoiler for internal argument and rys anger at small kid
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rys going SHUT THE F*CK UP WE'RE TRYING TO WATCH THE F*CKING BALLET YOU
SHOULDN'T BRING KIDS TOO LITTLE TO APPRECIATE IT THEY JSUT RUIN IT FOR
EVERYONE ELSE WANT TO SM*CK THAT F*CKING KID SHUT UP
echo says just ignore her it's not her fault she's way too little to
know how to behave appropriately or have the attention span to just sit
and watch
shi going hi we have auditory processing disorder remember literally
cannot concentrate on the stage with this going on next to us
this kind of thing happening lots lately
not th elittle girl
the rage
absolutely murderously furious at tiny things
p*rents bother, SNARL (well okay maybe we do that anyway but the level
of rage is higher)
someone messages us when engaged in something else, hold perfectly civil
conversation but snarling rage leaave us the f*ck alone we're busy f*ck
off inside
and then on the other side of that echo rationally saying why is silly
to be mad
is so much rage all the time at such little things
am assuming it's stress and all resourcecs used on just existing so only
possible reaosn to things is snarling rage
but well I (shi) don't like it it's frighteningly out of control
and v*olent
don't even know why posting if have a point
just
this is unsustainable
astri
rys right the parents shouldn't have brought her, tho
> shi going hi we have auditory processing disorder remember literally
> cannot concentrate on the stage with this going on next to us
:(
> this kind of thing happening lots lately
>
> not th elittle girl
>
> the rage
>
> absolutely murderously furious at tiny things
>
> p*rents bother, SNARL (well okay maybe we do that anyway but the
> level of rage is higher)
>
> someone messages us when engaged in something else, hold perfectly
> civil conversation but snarling rage leaave us the f*ck alone we're
> busy f*ck off inside
>
> and then on the other side of that echo rationally saying why is
> silly to be mad
>
> is so much rage all the time at such little things
>
> am assuming it's stress and all resourcecs used on just existing so
> only possible reaosn to things is snarling rage
can you do stuff for self-care? not while rage is there, necessarily,
but other times, so maybe stress not so high? meditation?
> but well I (shi) don't like it it's frighteningly out of control
>
> and v*olent
yes, but it's much inside
so isn't as out of control as feels?
> don't even know why posting if have a point
to be heard?
> just
>
> this is unsustainable
prolly not
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
Sonata
think I heard the p*rent saying she had a sibling in the ballet, though.
There are lots of little kids who go to it though usually not quite THAT
little.
>
>> shi going hi we have auditory processing disorder remember literally
>> cannot concentrate on the stage with this going on next to us
>
> :(
(couldn't concentrate with Rys yelling either. But Rys couldn't not be
mad about the distraction and we couldn't not notice it and vicious
cycle goes around and around.)
(the little girl left after the first act, prolly cos she was throwing a
fit about being tired. d*d made comment about he hoped it wasn't because
we talked too loud about. guilt. But glad.)
>
>> this kind of thing happening lots lately
>>
>> not th elittle girl
>>
>> the rage
>>
>> absolutely murderously furious at tiny things
>>
>> p*rents bother, SNARL (well okay maybe we do that anyway but the
>> level of rage is higher)
>>
>> someone messages us when engaged in something else, hold perfectly
>> civil conversation but snarling rage leaave us the f*ck alone we're
>> busy f*ck off inside
>>
>> and then on the other side of that echo rationally saying why is
>> silly to be mad
>>
>> is so much rage all the time at such little things
>>
>> am assuming it's stress and all resourcecs used on just existing so
>> only possible reaosn to things is snarling rage
>
> can you do stuff for self-care? not while rage is there, necessarily,
> but other times, so maybe stress not so high? meditation?
Meditation is just incredibly frustrating for us to try because mental
silencec is pretty much imposssible. And it is so much gah to be going
shut up listen tot he music fous on the music you're still thingking
shutting up we're shutting up focusing on the music STILL THINKING AUGH
....that's about what happens anytime we try to have mental quiet.
Slightly different when not have music on :P
>
>> but well I (shi) don't like it it's frighteningly out of control
>>
>> and v*olent
>
> yes, but it's much inside
> so isn't as out of control as feels?
but is strong. very. and don't know how strong the "keep that the hell
inside" is in comparison.
>
>> don't even know why posting if have a point
>
> to be heard?
guess
>
>> just
>>
>> this is unsustainable
>
> prolly not
>
>
(is a bit iffy who's writing what in this btw. mostly shi but think
there's some echo is a bit muddled together.)
cometz
giant resonance for me. too much time of every day spent fighting off
the rage triggered by small nothings. big ones end up with screaming
out loud. snarling, teeth gritting, stomach hardened, muscles tense,
screaming hoarse, eyes bulging fury rage. destructive destructive.
vi*lent images sometimes, tho never of the thing that triggered,
always of us doing big si.
sorry you know this. it is destroying us. told t we have to dig and
find all of the why or we will have to be gone. is serious.
you live every day in situation that wakes up and sees rage outside
your door. that would be hideous for us. at least we have apt. no one
here we don't want here, except sometimes when brother comes.
don't have much to offer in insight or help. just want to say we
understand. sadly.
betsy
astri
and parents need to be prepared to leave the auditorium or go to back
as needed
>>> shi going hi we have auditory processing disorder remember literally
>>> cannot concentrate on the stage with this going on next to us
>>
>> :(
>
> (couldn't concentrate with Rys yelling either. But Rys couldn't not
> be mad about the distraction and we couldn't not notice it and
> vicious cycle goes around and around.)
>
> (the little girl left after the first act, prolly cos she was
> throwing a fit about being tired. d*d made comment about he hoped it
> wasn't because we talked too loud about. guilt. But glad.)
you were talking to friend about kid? that what dad commented about?
>>> this kind of thing happening lots lately
>>>
>>> not th elittle girl
>>>
>>> the rage
>>>
>>> absolutely murderously furious at tiny things
>>>
>>> p*rents bother, SNARL (well okay maybe we do that anyway but the
>>> level of rage is higher)
>>>
>>> someone messages us when engaged in something else, hold perfectly
>>> civil conversation but snarling rage leaave us the f*ck alone we're
>>> busy f*ck off inside
>>>
>>> and then on the other side of that echo rationally saying why is
>>> silly to be mad
>>>
>>> is so much rage all the time at such little things
>>>
>>> am assuming it's stress and all resourcecs used on just existing so
>>> only possible reaosn to things is snarling rage
>>
>> can you do stuff for self-care? not while rage is there, necessarily,
>> but other times, so maybe stress not so high? meditation?
>
> Meditation is just incredibly frustrating for us to try because
> mental silencec is pretty much imposssible. And it is so much gah to
> be going shut up listen tot he music fous on the music you're still
> thingking shutting up we're shutting up focusing on the music STILL
> THINKING AUGH
but that isn't necessary with meditation you don't necessarily demand
the thoughts to clear. you allow the thoughts to happen and you allow
them to wander and you don't pay that much attention to them, just let
them go, and eventually they run themselves down and you get a more
peaceful pace if not silence. isn't about shutting up. is about
allowing the flow, and allowing the flow to flow *through*. not
fighting it. just allowing it to float by and float away.
> ....that's about what happens anytime we try to have mental quiet.
> Slightly different when not have music on :P
k
>>> but well I (shi) don't like it it's frighteningly out of control
>>>
>>> and v*olent
>>
>> yes, but it's much inside
>> so isn't as out of control as feels?
>
> but is strong. very. and don't know how strong the "keep that the
> hell inside" is in comparison.
frightening, at least
>>> don't even know why posting if have a point
>>
>> to be heard?
>
> guess
>>
>>> just
>>>
>>> this is unsustainable
>>
>> prolly not
>>
>
> (is a bit iffy who's writing what in this btw. mostly shi but think
> there's some echo is a bit muddled together.)
k
Shiyiya
yeah. was middle of row though.
but they could have climbed over the back of the seat and lifted her
out, row behind us was mostly empty.
>
>>>> shi going hi we have auditory processing disorder remember literally
>>>> cannot concentrate on the stage with this going on next to us
>>>
>>> :(
>>
>> (couldn't concentrate with Rys yelling either. But Rys couldn't not
>> be mad about the distraction and we couldn't not notice it and
>> vicious cycle goes around and around.)
>>
>> (the little girl left after the first act, prolly cos she was
>> throwing a fit about being tired. d*d made comment about he hoped it
>> wasn't because we talked too loud about. guilt. But glad.)
>
> you were talking to friend about kid? that what dad commented about?
talked to d*d and gr*ndma about it at intermission.
yes
don't like mad in the first place
let alone vicious v*olent mad
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Mon, 14 Dec 2009, Sonata wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Mon, 14 Dec 2009, Sonata wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> small spoiler for internal argument and rys anger at small kid
>>>>> .
>>>>> .
>>>>> .
>>>>> .
>>>>> .
>>>>> .
>>>>> .
>>>>> .
>>>>> .
>>>>> .
>>>>> .
>>>>> .
>>>>>
>>> though. There are lots of little kids who go to it though usually
>>> not quite THAT little.
>>
>> and parents need to be prepared to leave the auditorium or go to
>> back as needed
>
> yeah. was middle of row though.
>
> but they could have climbed over the back of the seat and lifted her
> out, row behind us was mostly empty.
mmmm
>>> (the little girl left after the first act, prolly cos she was
>>> throwing a fit about being tired. d*d made comment about he hoped
>>> it wasn't because we talked too loud about. guilt. But glad.)
>>
>> you were talking to friend about kid? that what dad commented about?
>
> talked to d*d and gr*ndma about it at intermission.
ah
>>>>> but well I (shi) don't like it it's frighteningly out of control
>>>>>
>>>>> and v*olent
>>>>
>>>> yes, but it's much inside
>>>> so isn't as out of control as feels?
>>>
>>> but is strong. very. and don't know how strong the "keep that the
>>> hell inside" is in comparison.
>>
>> frightening, at least
>
> yes
>
> don't like mad in the first place
understand
> let alone vicious v*olent mad
:/
Puddles
sometimes. but i am happy to hear the word 'snow queen'. i like it.
jill
Or, if you want sound in your meditation, you focus on a sound in the
environment (or a visual thing, water or f*re works well) and you try
to keep your mind only on that one thing. We learned to do that with
the sound of the furnace turning on/off. This is a very cool way to
meditate because it teaches you to stay external. Hmm, you like music.
You could pick to only notice the piano or the drums or the... in a
song. That would work very well! Everything else just slides on by,
not being given attention but not being ignored. It just flows on.
Rainbow Colors (Jill)
--
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing
we are becoming white light.
ji...@tuells.org
Shiyiya
> sorry, started to read below spoiler. can't. maybe cant do anger
> sometimes. but i am happy to hear the word 'snow queen'. i like it.
is k. scares us some too. Snow Queen in the ballet is pretty :) M*m
bought friend who danced it a nutcracker that was a snow queen for present.
Shiyiya
have weird audio processing issues. literally can't focus on just one
thing, can't not hear everything else and distract distract. went to a
movie earlier with friend and couldn't make out half the dialog because
the soundtrack was too THERE and couldn't just ignore it. (well, and
most of the english dialog was in heavy german accents. saw Inglorious
Basterds at the cheap theatre, $1 night.)