know that these are feelings we need to lean to live with anyway, and
that by latching onto the first person we meet and being happy that
they kind-of meet our needs isn't really good enough, because it's
just an avoidance strategy
we've had so many good times with him
(but we still can, as a friend, nothing's different, we're just don't
have to sleep with him any more)
we're angry. very angry.
if it wasn't for our stupid trauma sh*t we'd be normal and we'd be
able to handle all of that kind of stuff and it wouldn't stop us from
having a boyfriend and we wouldn't be so damned lonely.
miss him miss him so much
(although not sure how much is *missing*him* and how much is somethig
else - fear of being alone maybe? or the fear that we'll never find
someone to love us or... worse still... that we'll never be capable of
loving someone?
everyone has faults, why couldn't we learn to live with them?
jeez, this is so hard
it hurts. it actually physically hurts
crying so hard she's made us sick
she's going to end up seeing cpn, or t.
perhaps that's a good thing
we sent him a message:
Pippa is missing you lots and lots. She has been crying all day. She
is angry that we made you go away. We've explsined to her that we
shouldn't have been trying to cope with a sexual relationship anyway.
I'm so scared of being alone but we are going to be friends always
yes?
he sent one back saying
hey you! XXX tel Pippa XXX i have not gone away and i'll see her or
you on wednesday all my love always xxx
(we'd already arranged to have dinner together on wednesday)
wednesday is a long way away for a little girl to wait
we might let her phone cpn or t tomorrow (is 8pm now)
perhaps this is a good thing - they'll get to see her, and we'll be
more honest with ex about *who* he's spending time with.
t always said that we needed to be as honest as we could with him
about who was out, but we didn't want to acknowledge our miltiplicity
so didn't :(
she's calmed down a bit now, after he text back,
she wants to make cakes for wednesday.
is important want
> know that these are feelings we need to lean to live with anyway, and
> that by latching onto the first person we meet and being happy that
> they kind-of meet our needs isn't really good enough, because it's
> just an avoidance strategy
guess is a need to balance
hard to have a healthy relationship if you can be with yourself
> we've had so many good times with him
> (but we still can, as a friend, nothing's different, we're just don't
> have to sleep with him any more)
>
> we're angry. very angry.
> if it wasn't for our stupid trauma sh*t we'd be normal and we'd be
> able to handle all of that kind of stuff and it wouldn't stop us from
> having a boyfriend and we wouldn't be so damned lonely.
and all sorts of other things would be different too
> miss him miss him so much
> (although not sure how much is *missing*him* and how much is somethig
> else - fear of being alone maybe? or the fear that we'll never find
> someone to love us or... worse still... that we'll never be capable of
> loving someone?
important questions
> everyone has faults, why couldn't we learn to live with them?
sounded like his faults could be dangerous, tho
> jeez, this is so hard
> it hurts. it actually physically hurts
> crying so hard she's made us sick
>
> she's going to end up seeing cpn, or t.
> perhaps that's a good thing
could be
> we sent him a message:
> Pippa is missing you lots and lots. She has been crying all day. She
> is angry that we made you go away. We've explsined to her that we
> shouldn't have been trying to cope with a sexual relationship anyway.
> I'm so scared of being alone but we are going to be friends always
> yes?
>
> he sent one back saying
> hey you! XXX tel Pippa XXX i have not gone away and i'll see her or
> you on wednesday all my love always xxx
>
> (we'd already arranged to have dinner together on wednesday)
>
> wednesday is a long way away for a little girl to wait
> we might let her phone cpn or t tomorrow (is 8pm now)
> perhaps this is a good thing - they'll get to see her, and we'll be
> more honest with ex about *who* he's spending time with.
> t always said that we needed to be as honest as we could with him
> about who was out, but we didn't want to acknowledge our miltiplicity
> so didn't :(
that makes it really hard
> she's calmed down a bit now, after he text back,
> she wants to make cakes for wednesday.
what kind of cakes?
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
is maid caiks wiv sprinkuls on
tey ar the best
flowe sprinkuls!!!!
tey ar buttefli caiks i mayd tem spesul
is vere sad rite now al alown
los of sads come owt
is wednesday now
you get your special dinner?
you eat your special cakes?
just read this.
relate to pain in being alone
relate to justifying the behavior of others and making myself the one
to blame when things don't work
i'm so glad you're away from the ex
sorry for the pain
know that deep aching chasm, that excruciating physical ache with
being alone and particularly with feeling abandoned or unworthy
so sorry for all the pain
and that you didn't have 'rents who gave you the care you needed
yeah, we did
and we ate the special cakes :)
was horribly awkward at first, but in the last couple of day's we've
realised that the only person in the system missing him is Pippa, and
that *she* shouldn't be in an involved relationship anyway - not in
the sense that she was. Rachel missed him too, but only as a friend.
Alice was all screaming and shouting again when he was round, but it
was easier to deal with now that we have taken a step back from him.
guess she feels safer or something.
think we were maybe trying to meet pippa's needs in kinds not-so-good
ways.
gonna talk to t tomorrow.
so although we miss everything that a 'relationship' entails, we don't
miss *him* so think it was fair of us to leave.
lots of things we wanted to do, but not with him, and going out to pub
was hard because he got all paranoid shouty that we were flirting when
we *honestly*weren't* and hiss issues of us belonging to him which we
DON'T
also know that we need to be getting out more and doing stuff, we
pretty isolated here right now.
thanks
*shrug* what can you do? just gotta get on with it i suppose.
gonna talk to t about how to help pippa when she gets sad about being
on her own.
k
> think we were maybe trying to meet pippa's needs in kinds not-so-good
> ways.
ah
> gonna talk to t tomorrow.
> so although we miss everything that a 'relationship' entails, we don't
> miss *him* so think it was fair of us to leave.
important
shouldn't "settle" re: relationships
> lots of things we wanted to do, but not with him, and going out to pub
> was hard because he got all paranoid shouty that we were flirting when
> we *honestly*weren't* and hiss issues of us belonging to him which we
> DON'T
ick
> also know that we need to be getting out more and doing stuff, we
> pretty isolated here right now.
yes
will be easier when there are more options
glad she feels safer
:)
> tey ar buttefli caiks i mayd tem spesul
you made them? wow you're talented
> is vere sad rite now al alown
> los of sads come owt
>
I'm sorry you're sad.
maybe sometimes when you're feeling lonely you can come talk here.
there's nice people and littles to play with
agree (just forget sometimes)
> > lots of things we wanted to do, but not with him, and going out to pub
> > was hard because he got all paranoid shouty that we were flirting when
> > we *honestly*weren't* and hiss issues of us belonging to him which we
> > DON'T
>
> ick
>
> > also know that we need to be getting out more and doing stuff, we
> > pretty isolated here right now.
>
> yes
>
> will be easier when there are more options
>
when we went to t yesterday there was a new charity shop advertising
for volunteers so we're gonna go in next time we go and ask if we can
do a day or something. will be ok cos next to t (well, five mins away)
even though it *is* the same place where d*d works :( (he's a traffic
warden, and town is his zone thing)
got courses in january we hope to go on too, just waiting for them to
open the admissions thing
yup ;)
yu trim te tops off an cut tem in harf
and ten put te butte stuff in the gap an put the littul harfs in lik
wings
then put sprinkus on
ranbow spinkuls!!!!!
> > is vere sad rite now al alown
> > los of sads come owt
>
> I'm sorry you're sad.
tank yuw
> maybe sometimes when you're feeling lonely you can come talk here.
> there's nice people and littles to play with
is hard sumtims is nowon her
but i got teddy wen i remembers him
don lik it is cold in tis hows
wans to play wiv t
> when we went to t yesterday there was a new charity shop advertising
> for volunteers so we're gonna go in next time we go and ask if we can
> do a day or something. will be ok cos next to t (well, five mins
> away) even though it *is* the same place where d*d works :( (he's a
> traffic warden, and town is his zone thing)
likely to see him or not really?
> got courses in january we hope to go on too, just waiting for them to
> open the admissions thing
what courses?
> yu trim te tops off an cut tem in harf
> and ten put te butte stuff in the gap an put the littul harfs in lik
> wings
> then put sprinkus on
> ranbow spinkuls!!!!!
:)
> is hard sumtims is nowon her
> but i got teddy wen i remembers him
> don lik it is cold in tis hows
> wans to play wiv t
did you get to?
seen him twice in last year, once when we in the car with ex, and he
noticed straight away because *panicked* would be an understatement,
and once we kind of saw him from a distance and ran in the other
direction, *he* hasn't seen *us*, or if he has we haven't noticed and
he hasn't come up to us or anything
doubt he'd come into a charity shop to be honest, and if he's working
then he wouldn't be going into shops anyway.
the traffic warden base is next to the train station, but we are, and
always have been, determined not to let it stop us from doing anything
(ha, that's alice being all gutsy there!)
> > got courses in january we hope to go on too, just waiting for them to
> > open the admissions thing
>
> what courses?
>
well, we want to do something like philosophy with the OU (open
university) where you can study at home, but still undecided, keep
backing out. feel like we need to... dunno... be at a different place
than we are right now or something.
in actual college we want to do the computer course cos we ain't got
any qualifications in that, and something 'light' like jewelery making
or something - something that involves being out of the flat and
around fellow human beings
but is good not to let yourselves get trapped
>>> got courses in january we hope to go on too, just waiting for them to
>>> open the admissions thing
>>
>> what courses?
>>
>
> well, we want to do something like philosophy with the OU (open
> university) where you can study at home, but still undecided, keep
> backing out. feel like we need to... dunno... be at a different place
> than we are right now or something.
>
> in actual college we want to do the computer course cos we ain't got
> any qualifications in that, and something 'light' like jewelery making
> or something - something that involves being out of the flat and
> around fellow human beings
good idea
>>> is vere sad rite now al alown
>>> los of sads come owt
>> I'm sorry you're sad.
>
> tank yuw
>
yw
you want a blankie? sometimes makes us feel better
>> maybe sometimes when you're feeling lonely you can come talk here.
>> there's nice people and littles to play with
>
> is hard sumtims is nowon her
ya. we asleep lots of time when you here.
> but i got teddy wen i remembers him
> don lik it is cold in tis hows
> wans to play wiv t
i bet you get to play with t soon
doubt he'd come into a charity shop to be honest, and if he's working
> then he wouldn't be going into shops anyway.
> the traffic warden base is next to the train station, but we are, and
> always have been, determined not to let it stop us from doing anything
>
> (ha, that's alice being all gutsy there!)
>
we get like that oo
>>> got courses in january we hope to go on too, just waiting for them to
>>> open the admissions thing
>> what courses?
>>
>
> well, we want to do something like philosophy with the OU (open
> university) where you can study at home, but still undecided, keep
> backing out. feel like we need to... dunno... be at a different place
> than we are right now or something.
>
is always later for that?
> in actual college we want to do the computer course cos we ain't got
> any qualifications in that, and something 'light' like jewelery making
> or something - something that involves being out of the flat and
> around fellow human beings
>
sounds good
you got choices
neely did tooday
gots to go in te play room
was gud
tey haf an open day on tusda (thursday) an we is gonna go
tey haf a buffe an do wurksops wich meens play!!!! yay!!!
we mayd cards today
one each for everywon
then who is torking hols ter card so don haf to say nam cos everywon
is all shy hee hee
we went into the charity shop today, before t and it didn't feel too
good.
didn't get good vibes off the woman, and she was like "you'll need to
be here at quarter past nine tomorrow for window dressing, and we're
till training on thursday. the opeing is the 25th and there will be
photographers there and newspaper people. you need to read the health
and safety - wil you come back later to do that?"
and we were all like "dunno." *shrug* amd trying to explain that we
had kind of a few appointments that are non-negotiable.
all felt a bit serious and important, and she was looking at us like
she *knew* we were completely overwhelmed.
other charity shops we've volunteered in, it's all been a lot more
relaxed, they are flexible with what days you do and so on, and don't
mind if some days you need to be
slowly.told.what.to.do.in.very.simple.words and other days you are
fine.
might go to the other one near where our m*m lives. is a lot more
relaxed.
don't want to chicken out but don't want pressure from scary lady
either.
> we went into the charity shop today, before t and it didn't feel too
> good.
> didn't get good vibes off the woman, and she was like "you'll need to
> be here at quarter past nine tomorrow for window dressing, and we're
> till training on thursday. the opeing is the 25th and there will be
> photographers there and newspaper people. you need to read the health
> and safety - wil you come back later to do that?"
> and we were all like "dunno." *shrug* amd trying to explain that we
> had kind of a few appointments that are non-negotiable.
> all felt a bit serious and important, and she was looking at us like
> she *knew* we were completely overwhelmed.
> other charity shops we've volunteered in, it's all been a lot more
> relaxed, they are flexible with what days you do and so on, and don't
> mind if some days you need to be
> slowly.told.what.to.do.in.very.simple.words and other days you are
> fine.
> might go to the other one near where our m*m lives. is a lot more
> relaxed.
> don't want to chicken out but don't want pressure from scary lady
> either.
if you're volunteering, then you get to choose where and what terms you
want to deal with. tho if you make a committment, then is important to
keep it. but before committment, can make choices.
yeah, we know that
> but before committment, can make choices.
>
don't think we're going to go there.
will try a different one, we're *not* giving up, just exploring
possibilities
just stating obvious
>> but before committment, can make choices.
>
> don't think we're going to go there.
> will try a different one, we're *not* giving up, just exploring
> possibilities
k
changed our minds!
talked to m*m on the phone, and she said that maybe we were a little
overwhelmed and meybe the other lady was a bit stressed or something
she said to give things a chance
and the idea of a new adventure is exciting! we'll have to get the
train at twenty past eight tomorrow morning and have an adventure!
want to prove to ourselves that we can do things
and m*m said, like you just did astri, that we can always say "i cann
do monday to wednesday" or something like that.
everyone likes the idea of being out and about during the day, and the
shop *does* look really interesting.
having to eat in a staff room scared us
and having to concentrate. scared of switching. lots and lots of
things to bring the others out.
but would be really good to feel part of the hustle and bustle of a
busy day.
need to make sure we eat though, cos going from eight am to six pm is
too long.
> changed our minds!
> talked to m*m on the phone, and she said that maybe we were a little
> overwhelmed and meybe the other lady was a bit stressed or something
> she said to give things a chance
ok
> and the idea of a new adventure is exciting! we'll have to get the
> train at twenty past eight tomorrow morning and have an adventure!
heh
> want to prove to ourselves that we can do things
or at least that you can *try* things, even if they don't work out
> and m*m said, like you just did astri, that we can always say "i cann
> do monday to wednesday" or something like that.
yup
volunteers should get to set their own times available
> everyone likes the idea of being out and about during the day, and the
> shop *does* look really interesting.
cool
> having to eat in a staff room scared us
is something to work up to
if is nice people, maybe you can start by just hanging out there and
not worrying about eating (or just have something to drink)
> and having to concentrate. scared of switching. lots and lots of
> things to bring the others out.
will need to communicate and cooperate
> but would be really good to feel part of the hustle and bustle of a
> busy day.
k
> need to make sure we eat though, cos going from eight am to six pm is
> too long.
yes!
is it scary to play with t?
no
u play with ur t?
is she nise?
duz she make u do stuff
sumtms
se gots bunny lik r bunny ony t bunny smlr n r bunny
litl 1 plya 2
litl 1 lik t ber
> is she nise?
ya
> duz she make u do stuff
no
se ak dum kesns sumtms
:)
my t has an rdvark
and its got a babee inside
> litl 1 plya 2
> litl 1 lik t ber
>
t got a bunny and a t ber? wow
my t gots kooshes too
>> is she nise?
>
> ya
>
:)
>> duz she make u do stuff
>
> no
>
k
> se ak dum kesns sumtms
do u gotta tok to her?
do u culur with her?
we went! got up really early (well, ok then, earlier than we're used
to at the moment!) and got the train there
is was good
lots of nice people
bit overwhelming. lots of dissing. 'coming to' in the middle of
sentenced and thinking "who what where why how"
all girls of a similar age, but all *very* stylish and fashion
conscious
think we'll struggle to keep up
lots of worrying about the others wanting to do things - play, rob
stuff (which is BAD) and so on, and to go adventuring aroind town
afterwards. so much easier to keep them all in the flat. sigh.
going again on monday. Negotiator said we'd do 9-4 three days a week,
but we might start off 10-3 or something - give us time to get our
head round it.
> we went! got up really early (well, ok then, earlier than we're used
> to at the moment!) and got the train there
> is was good
> lots of nice people
yay
> bit overwhelming. lots of dissing. 'coming to' in the middle of
> sentenced and thinking "who what where why how"
oops
> all girls of a similar age, but all *very* stylish and fashion
> conscious
> think we'll struggle to keep up
:P
don't need to
> lots of worrying about the others wanting to do things - play, rob
> stuff (which is BAD) and so on, and to go adventuring aroind town
> afterwards. so much easier to keep them all in the flat. sigh.
they gotta agree not to do stuff like that
maybe need to have contract
make time for them after
work now play later
no robbing
but can find something small to purchase and have
> going again on monday. Negotiator said we'd do 9-4 three days a week,
> but we might start off 10-3 or something - give us time to get our
> head round it.
3 full days is a lot
brave!
> is was good
> lots of nice people
:)
> bit overwhelming. lots of dissing. 'coming to' in the middle of
> sentenced and thinking "who what where why how"
oops
> all girls of a similar age, but all *very* stylish and fashion
> conscious
> think we'll struggle to keep up
>
maybe is easier to say then do but can you just do your thing and not
try to keep up?
> lots of worrying about the others wanting to do things - play, rob
> stuff (which is BAD) and so on, and to go adventuring aroind town
> afterwards. so much easier to keep them all in the flat. sigh.
>
that would be hard
> going again on monday. Negotiator said we'd do 9-4 three days a week,
> but we might start off 10-3 or something - give us time to get our
> head round it.
that's a lot!
yeah, :)
> > bit overwhelming. lots of dissing. 'coming to' in the middle of
> > sentenced and thinking "who what where why how"
>
> oops
>
> > all girls of a similar age, but all *very* stylish and fashion
> > conscious
> > think we'll struggle to keep up
>
> :P
>
> don't need to
>
yeah, suppose. we've got our own style anyway.
> > lots of worrying about the others wanting to do things - play, rob
> > stuff (which is BAD) and so on, and to go adventuring aroind town
> > afterwards. so much easier to keep them all in the flat. sigh.
>
> they gotta agree not to do stuff like that
> maybe need to have contract
> make time for them after
> work now play later
> no robbing
> but can find something small to purchase and have
>
yeah, once we've settled into a routine it might be easier.
t said that with the nicking stuff, it's normally about unmet or
unheard needs.
accumulating things. security.
money is a concern for us now that we're paying rent (housing benefit
will only pay half of our rent - we didn't realise that until 25yrs
old they will pay for a bedsit and not a one bedroom flat. we are NOT
moving because we really like it here, and so are paying the remaining
half ourselves. also, the electric is on the quarter, and we prefer to
have a key thing and do it weekly so we can keep track easier, save
being hit with a big bill every three months.
we've been planning about cooking stuff to take in for our lunches. if
we try to go out and buy lunch we just won't.
> > going again on monday. Negotiator said we'd do 9-4 three days a week,
> > but we might start off 10-3 or something - give us time to get our
> > head round it.
>
> 3 full days is a lot
>
yeah - lots of time to get *really* lost
and we need to keep up with ourselves or else things go all crazy and
out of control
we're going tomorrow, and we plan to get up at half seven, get ready
and see what time we get in, then whatever time that is we will say is
our start time. don't see the point in rushing getting stressed when
we don't *have* to.
keep thinkng "if i was working then i'd *have* to be there for nine
etc"
but Afrika keeps saying that we're *not* working, and we're not
working for a reason right now, so chill out and don't push too hard
<...>
good plan
> keep thinkng "if i was working then i'd *have* to be there for nine
> etc"
> but Afrika keeps saying that we're *not* working, and we're not
> working for a reason right now, so chill out and don't push too hard
think Afrika is right
sumtms
> do u culur with her?
dont gots to
>> do u culur with her?
>
> dont gots to
>
and shes got blocks
:)
u gonna plya wif t?
thay nise cats. i petd them.
>
>>>> do u culur with her?
>>>
>>> dont gots to
>>>
>> and shes got blocks
>
> u gonna plya wif t?
>
i dunno
she sed i cood play with her blocks :)
:)
:P
i dident but i playd with her cats
thay are nise :)
and i playd with the cards that got feelings on them. i maybe gonna play
with them agin but thay got lotsa big words
I bet you could ask her to explain any of the words you don't know.
:)
how did you play with them?
>> and i playd with the cards that got feelings on them. i maybe gonna
>> play with them agin but thay got lotsa big words
>
> how did you play with them?
>
shes got a toy. thairs a stick and string and fethurs at the end. mostly
the gurl cat playd. then she took the fethurs in her mowth and went back
behind ts chair.
we've got toys like that for our cats :) they like pouncing on the
feathers! They're good hunters :)
ya. we got a toy like that too. but old cat is to old. her cats r 4.
mostly only the gurl playd. the boy just wachd
k