intropost
qqq eee
uhh, i'm a friend of JT's and she told me to check this place out. i
might be multiple but all my life i've thought differently. so i'm
still shocked i could be one. i'm not a "real" multiple in how i
thought it was but JT says i can be one without the stereotypic stuff.
she's told me a lot about it and it seems to fit.
i'm not good with these email message boards so if i mess up, excuse
me. :P it seems straightforward but i'm scared of new things.
i'm also an aspie (asperger's syndrome) and have other crap. there was
always a missing piece which i believe being a dissociative explains.
but i'm still mulling it over. but for the first time in a while i
feel like i've got a grasp on what's plaguing me. so i'm kinda excited.
astri
> hi
hi
> uhh, i'm a friend of JT's and she told me to check this place out. i
> might be multiple but all my life i've thought differently. so i'm
> still shocked i could be one. i'm not a "real" multiple in how i
> thought it was but JT says i can be one without the stereotypic
> stuff. she's told me a lot about it and it seems to fit.
what seems to fit?
> i'm not good with these email message boards so if i mess up, excuse
> me. :P it seems straightforward but i'm scared of new things.
k
you should check out the faq (comes in 4 parts) and the sysk. both have
been reposted multiple times, so a google groups search will get you
multiple copies.
> i'm also an aspie (asperger's syndrome) and have other crap. there
> was always a missing piece which i believe being a dissociative
> explains. but i'm still mulling it over. but for the first time in a
> while i feel like i've got a grasp on what's plaguing me. so i'm
> kinda excited.
a number of us find that a combination of dissociation and autism
spectrum stuff (and other crap) seems to fit best.
welcome
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
qqq eee
>
well apparently my parts have different OCD rules. and i thought it
was cuz my OCD was faulty. but maybe it's cuz i have multiple OCDs.
i experience fuzziness, at times, like when i go out, it feels like
it's not real. sometimes i feel like i'm a character. like nothing's
real. but it can hurt me, it's just not real. i do feel pain, but if
it's just light bumping into something or whatnot that doesn't feel
real, and the world always seems fake. i used to feel and experience
things as real, but after 13 it all got different. and i also lost all
my energy and started watching a lot of TV. i love TV cuz it's somehow
more real than real life. i can exist in it and not exist in a body so
there's no issue with identity. i'm just an observer. real life feels
alien to me. like when i wake up in the morning or turn off TV i feel
like i'm here again, in some weird alien world. and it's like a
nightmare that i keep having. i especially hate myself in it. it's
like i can't face being me. so it gets distorted. i used to be more
focused as a kid, like one heavy dot, now i'm just chaotic, like the
static on TV. i used to be one person, but i don't feel like that
anymore.
does this make sense? i just have these identity issues. and feeling
like reality is skewed. sometimes it scares me. other times i find it
safe. all my life i've wondered what's wrong with me. i got diagnozed
with autism, i thought that explained it, but no, i still was
different. i have OCD, still different. everything i was diagnozed
with or realized i had added a piece. but i was always short of one.
and now it feels like this is it. but i don't know if i can find
anyone to diagnoze me. i mean mine would be too subtle to diagnoze. i
don't "lose time" or have named personalities. and isn't that what the
shrinks are looking for?
i'm also really avoidant. i don't know how this fits into things.
maybe APD could explain some of it, but not all of it.
>
> welcome
>
thanks :)
cometz
hi. ditto astri's response. glad you're taking a chance. we's a good
group of groups. :-)
betsy
qqq eee
thanks betsy :)
confuzzled
> hi
>
> uhh, i'm a friend of JT's and she told me to check this place out. i
> might be multiple but all my life i've thought differently. so i'm
> still shocked i could be one. i'm not a "real" multiple in how i
> thought it was but JT says i can be one without the stereotypic stuff.
> she's told me a lot about it and it seems to fit.
>
> i'm not good with these email message boards so if i mess up, excuse
> me. :P it seems straightforward but i'm scared of new things.
>
this place pretty understanding
> i'm also an aspie (asperger's syndrome) and have other crap. there was
> always a missing piece which i believe being a dissociative explains.
> but i'm still mulling it over. but for the first time in a while i
> feel like i've got a grasp on what's plaguing me. so i'm kinda excited.
can be very exciting
confuzzled
seem to make sense. rarely responds to anyone. doesn't seem to full
track what's going on the group
he worried us at first. now we mostly just don't pay attention
a@a.a wrote:
> ...did you miss the post ages ago ... ?
>
>
>
> your not necessarilly gonna make it
>
>
> we can get more specifific if you want but it hasnt proved helpful yet...
>
>
>
> so... bye bye babies... bye bye : )
Puddles
cometz
> > what seems to fit?
>
> well apparently my parts have different OCD rules. and i thought it
> was cuz my OCD was faulty. but maybe it's cuz i have multiple OCDs.
>
possible.
> i experience fuzziness, at times, like when i go out, it feels like
> it's not real. sometimes i feel like i'm a character. like nothing's
> real. but it can hurt me, it's just not real. i do feel pain, but if
> it's just light bumping into something or whatnot that doesn't feel
> real, and the world always seems fake. i used to feel and experience
> things as real, but after 13 it all got different. and i also lost all
> my energy and started watching a lot of TV. i love TV cuz it's somehow
> more real than real life. i can exist in it and not exist in a body so
> there's no issue with identity. i'm just an observer. real life feels
> alien to me. like when i wake up in the morning or turn off TV i feel
> like i'm here again, in some weird alien world. and it's like a
> nightmare that i keep having. i especially hate myself in it. it's
> like i can't face being me. so it gets distorted. i used to be more
> focused as a kid, like one heavy dot, now i'm just chaotic, like the
> static on TV. i used to be one person, but i don't feel like that
> anymore.
>
maybe some of what you are experiencing is derealization. and/or
depersonalization. i often think that for me they tend to slide into
one another when i am feeling worst about being.
> does this make sense? i just have these identity issues. and feeling
> like reality is skewed. sometimes it scares me. other times i find it
> safe. all my life i've wondered what's wrong with me. i got diagnozed
> with autism, i thought that explained it, but no, i still was
> different. i have OCD, still different. everything i was diagnozed
> with or realized i had added a piece. but i was always short of one.
> and now it feels like this is it. but i don't know if i can find
> anyone to diagnoze me. i mean mine would be too subtle to diagnoze. i
> don't "lose time" or have named personalities. and isn't that what the
> shrinks are looking for?
>
a good tpst works with the person, not stuff they are looking for. as
far as dissociation and being many, well as you read here you will
find that there isn't a cookie cutter model. that anyone fits into.
cause the reality is that each person breaks up to deal with different
things, different kinds of pain. each person reacts according to all
kinds of stuff like innate personality, cultural norms, and whatever
coping skills work. our inside is a cave. all kinds of other stuff,
but is a deep cave. ultimately i think that kind of thing is
irrelevant. what seems to be universal are the issues of self hatred,
self harm, depression, difficulty with social skills, and on and on.
ptsd is another biggie. not everyone here is many. but seems that
everyone here understands one another's struggles much better than
almost anywhere else.
> i'm also really avoidant. i don't know how this fits into things.
> maybe APD could explain some of it, but not all of it.
>
>
avoidant of what? fwiw, tho i have found that when i am dx'd with
things like ptsd or major depressive disorder it helps me to
understand the things i am experiencing and helps me feel less
isolated and freakish, i don't know that any one specific behavior can
be easily appllied to one dx. ppl are so complex and so much of the
thinking, feeling, physical stuff is deeply connected.
maybe talk more about the things that are troublesome or get in the
way and you will begin to have a picture that makes sense and
resonates your experiences.
betsy
>
> > welcome
>
> thanks :)
astri
> well apparently my parts have different OCD rules. and i thought it
> was cuz my OCD was faulty. but maybe it's cuz i have multiple OCDs.
>
> i experience fuzziness, at times, like when i go out, it feels like
> it's not real. sometimes i feel like i'm a character. like nothing's
> real. but it can hurt me, it's just not real. i do feel pain, but if
> it's just light bumping into something or whatnot that doesn't feel
> real, and the world always seems fake.
that's a kind of dissociation called derealization
> i used to feel and experience things as real, but after 13 it all got
> different. and i also lost all my energy and started watching a lot
> of TV.
did anything big happen at age 13?
> i love TV cuz it's somehow more real than real life. i can
> exist in it and not exist in a body so there's no issue with
> identity. i'm just an observer. real life feels alien to me. like
> when i wake up in the morning or turn off TV i feel like i'm here
> again, in some weird alien world. and it's like a nightmare that i
> keep having.
more derealiZation
(does a label help?)
> i especially hate myself in it. it's like i can't face
> being me. so it gets distorted. i used to be more focused as a kid,
> like one heavy dot, now i'm just chaotic, like the static on TV. i
> used to be one person, but i don't feel like that anymore.
do you feel that as a loss?
> does this make sense? i just have these identity issues. and feeling
> like reality is skewed. sometimes it scares me. other times i find it
> safe. all my life i've wondered what's wrong with me. i got diagnozed
> with autism, i thought that explained it, but no, i still was
> different. i have OCD, still different.
the ocd isn't part of the aspie stuff?
> everything i was diagnozed with or realized i had added a piece. but
> i was always short of one. and now it feels like this is it. but i
> don't know if i can find anyone to diagnoze me. i mean mine would be
> too subtle to diagnoze. i don't "lose time" or have named
> personalities. and isn't that what the shrinks are looking for?
there are different kinds of dissociation
would an official diagnosis help you more than just coming to
understand yourself using a number of descriptive groupings?
i don't think we'd ever get anyone to give us an additional aspie
diagnosis, but thinking along those lines explains a whole bunch of
stuff not explained by all the other things going on. just knowing that
seems to be enough.
qqq eee
> maybe some of what you are experiencing is derealization. and/or
> depersonalization. i often think that for me they tend to slide into
> one another when i am feeling worst about being.
depersonalization in the sense i stop being. or being one thing, i
become an entity with no persona but has thoughts and opinions. i
don't know if that's what officially depresonalization is.
>
> a good tpst works with the person, not stuff they are looking for. as
> far as dissociation and being many, well as you read here you will
> find that there isn't a cookie cutter model. that anyone fits into.
> cause the reality is that each person breaks up to deal with different
> things, different kinds of pain. each person reacts according to all
> kinds of stuff like innate personality, cultural norms, and whatever
> coping skills work. our inside is a cave. all kinds of other stuff,
> but is a deep cave. ultimately i think that kind of thing is
> irrelevant. what seems to be universal are the issues of self hatred,
> self harm, depression, difficulty with social skills, and on and on.
> ptsd is another biggie. not everyone here is many. but seems that
> everyone here understands one another's struggles much better than
> almost anywhere else.
i just have so many friends who are like me have all kinds of things
like me but i always felt different. in every group of dysfunctional
people. i always felt i had an extra something. it's important me to
know what it is so i can try to get better, or even if i can't i can
stop looking. if a shrink were to say i have this then i could be more
confident in knowing i am what i think. also, i can't see a therapist
to work through issues cuz it would make me start to get PTSD stuff
and that can't ever be solved with therapy. so i just use doctors to
get meds or dx.
>
> > i'm also really avoidant. i don't know how this fits into things.
> > maybe APD could explain some of it, but not all of it.
>
> avoidant of what? fwiw, tho i have found that when i am dx'd with
> things like ptsd or major depressive disorder it helps me to
> understand the things i am experiencing and helps me feel less
> isolated and freakish, i don't know that any one specific behavior can
> be easily appllied to one dx. ppl are so complex and so much of the
> thinking, feeling, physical stuff is deeply connected.
i'm just generally avoidant. i can't confront. socially, or when stuff
happens i just can't face stuff. i guess that explains the
dissociation lol. it's almost one and the same. dissociation is a way
to avoid.
i guess dxs let me organize what is up with me and make sense out of
it. that's what labels are for.
qqq eee
i guess it was the start of the typical teenager problems with mood
but also my self esteem was plummeting cuz of accumulated social
mistakes, undx'd OCD that i thought was only given to me in the whole
of existence, my ED started with binging and that's when it started,
and i lost most of my friends cuz they all grew up and i stayed
behind, and i was bullied in school. after that i just kept
accumulating social mistakes each of which went undealt with and
failing to finish schools and felt more and more like i was worthless
and had no place in life.
>
> more derealiZation
> (does a label help?)
yes :)
> > i especially hate myself in it. it's like i can't face
> > being me. so it gets distorted. i used to be more focused as a kid,
> > like one heavy dot, now i'm just chaotic, like the static on TV. i
> > used to be one person, but i don't feel like that anymore.
>
> do you feel that as a loss?
yes, very much. i feel like my whole childhood is a loss, it's the
only time when i was happy. happy without being sad. suddenly i lost
my "child" but didn't grow up.
>
> the ocd isn't part of the aspie stuff?
>
i don't know, what do you mean by part of?
> would an official diagnosis help you more than just coming to
> understand yourself using a number of descriptive groupings?
maybe, and i don't think people i know irl would believe me otherwise.
if i ever told them.
>
> i don't think we'd ever get anyone to give us an additional aspie
> diagnosis, but thinking along those lines explains a whole bunch of
> stuff not explained by all the other things going on. just knowing that
> seems to be enough.
>
i guess you're on the other side of the dx fence. :P
Jennifer Thomas
dunno if it'll help any, but when i figured out i was multiple and
told my tpist, he believed me and worked with me on it right away.
when i told my psych-doc i was multiple, she told me i was wrong.
it was really hurtful and upsetting. made me doubt myself even more.
reinforced wrong-thinking in my head.
but when i eventually decided that she was wrong; that i really *am*
multiple; that this is the only thing that makes me make sense to me,
it was very liberating.
but she did a lot of damage by *not* diagnosing me.
so i guess "be careful what you wish for". :-/
cometz
sorry, i wasn't clear. i have found great relief in having dx's. i was
ineptly referring to the idea that a thpst should cause one to feel
they might be required to "fit" in order to receive a specific dx. i
guess i was feeling like the tail was leading the horse.
there are tpsts who can work with you thru the ptsd, in conjunction
with a pdoc for appropriate meds, and will work very slowly at a pace
that you can manage. we have ptsd that sometimes takes control of
everything but have a t who pretty much knows when to let us breathe
and when to push a little. think everyone at asd has to, or had to
deal with ptsd. some who are in almost constant state of ptsd. it can
be worked with, but it does require a very experienced and
compassionate tpst.
>
> > > i'm also really avoidant. i don't know how this fits into things.
> > > maybe APD could explain some of it, but not all of it.
>
> > avoidant of what? fwiw, tho i have found that when i am dx'd with
> > things like ptsd or major depressive disorder it helps me to
> > understand the things i am experiencing and helps me feel less
> > isolated and freakish, i don't know that any one specific behavior can
> > be easily appllied to one dx. ppl are so complex and so much of the
> > thinking, feeling, physical stuff is deeply connected.
>
> i'm just generally avoidant. i can't confront. socially, or when stuff
> happens i just can't face stuff. i guess that explains the
> dissociation lol. it's almost one and the same. dissociation is a way
> to avoid.
>
oh yeah. understand this. we call it running away. outside world often
feels like a constant barrage of overwhelm. is easier to shut down and
stop knowing. even better to stay home. sigh.
> i guess dxs let me organize what is up with me and make sense out of
> it. that's what labels are for.
oh yeah. absolutely agree. each time a dx has been arrived at it is a
light bulb of clarity for us. also means that other ppl have suffered
and that professionals have some understanding. dx's have allowed us
to feel less like the alien in the crowd.
betsy
astri
> stop looking. if a shrink were to say i have this then i could be
> more confident in knowing i am what i think. also, i can't see a
> therapist to work through issues cuz it would make me start to get
> PTSD stuff and that can't ever be solved with therapy. so i just use
> doctors to get meds or dx.
how come you say ptsd can't be solved with tpy?
astri
>> did anything big happen at age 13?
>
> i guess it was the start of the typical teenager problems with mood
> but also my self esteem was plummeting cuz of accumulated social
> mistakes, undx'd OCD that i thought was only given to me in the whole
> of existence, my ED started with binging and that's when it started,
> and i lost most of my friends cuz they all grew up and i stayed
> behind, and i was bullied in school. after that i just kept
> accumulating social mistakes each of which went undealt with and
> failing to finish schools and felt more and more like i was worthless
> and had no place in life.
ack
that's quite a lot
>> more derealiZation
>> (does a label help?)
>
> yes :)
>
>>> i especially hate myself in it. it's like i can't face
>>> being me. so it gets distorted. i used to be more focused as a kid,
>>> like one heavy dot, now i'm just chaotic, like the static on TV. i
>>> used to be one person, but i don't feel like that anymore.
>>
>> do you feel that as a loss?
>
> yes, very much. i feel like my whole childhood is a loss, it's the
> only time when i was happy. happy without being sad. suddenly i lost
> my "child" but didn't grow up.
:(
>> the ocd isn't part of the aspie stuff?
>
> i don't know, what do you mean by part of?
a whole big piece of autism spectrum stuff is need for sameness and
lots of ritualistic kinds of stuff
>> would an official diagnosis help you more than just coming to
>> understand yourself using a number of descriptive groupings?
>
> maybe, and i don't think people i know irl would believe me
> otherwise. if i ever told them.
k
>> i don't think we'd ever get anyone to give us an additional aspie
>> diagnosis, but thinking along those lines explains a whole bunch of
>> stuff not explained by all the other things going on. just knowing
>> that seems to be enough.
>
> i guess you're on the other side of the dx fence. :P
guess so
scattered
greetings
i'm not a "real" multiple but have been diagnosed as DDNOS. also have
been tagged with the label "asperger's". don't know what i believe
about anything anymore. this is a good group which is receptive to
just about anyone who is here for support.
-scattered
scattered
wrote:
> just so new folks know a...@a.a tends to post a lot of stuff that doesn't
> seem to make sense. rarely responds to anyone. doesn't seem to full
> track what's going on the group
>
> he worried us at first. now we mostly just don't pay attention
>
i pay attention - usually puzzled but sometimes reminds me of e.e.
cummings in a good way. sometimes helpful
>
> a...@a.a wrote:
> > ...did you miss the post ages ago ... ?
>
> > your not necessarilly gonna make it
>
> > we can get more specifific if you want but it hasnt proved helpful yet...
>
> > so... bye bye babies... bye bye : )- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -
qqq eee
lol i am always am :) but thanks, i know there's that possibility.
which is why i'm hesitant. only one doctor has understood me, even
though she was also wrong about stuff, but she did dx me aspie and
ADD
and that was a great relief. but she was an "expert" in it, which is
not what you can say about most doctors.
Juniper
<6a52f767-fe76-4459...@j14g2000yqm.googlegroups.com>,
scattered <still.s...@gmail.com> wrote:
I'm a singleton who experiences (apparently mild) dissociation under
stress and enjoys "normal" dissociation (getting lost in a book or
movie). I've got complex PTSD, depression, ADD, alcoholism, addiction
(all treated) and a bunch of physical stuff. I'm nowhere near the
autism spectrum, but my sister and sibling-in-law are on there somewhere.
Welcome.
Juniper
Juniper
Juniper <jun...@asarian-intl.org> wrote:
Oh, and the latest head diagnosis to tack on is hoarding, which is
apparently a kind of OCD.
I joked with someone the other day that when I want to kill time I work
on alphabetizing my diagnoses. ;-)
Juniper
astri
>> so i guess "be careful what you wish for". :-/
btw, it would make it easier on us to follow the conversation if you
keep the attribution. do you need help figuring out how to do that or
what i'm talking about?
> lol i am always am :) but thanks, i know there's that possibility.
> which is why i'm hesitant. only one doctor has understood me, even
> though she was also wrong about stuff, but she did dx me aspie and
> ADD
> and that was a great relief. but she was an "expert" in it, which is
> not what you can say about most doctors.
sigh
true
qqq eee
> ineptly referring to the idea that a thpst should cause one to feel
> they might be required to "fit" in order to receive a specific dx. i
> guess i was feeling like the tail was leading the horse.
oh ok :)
> there are tpsts who can work with you thru the ptsd, in conjunction
> with a pdoc for appropriate meds, and will work very slowly at a pace
> that you can manage. we have ptsd that sometimes takes control of
> everything but have a t who pretty much knows when to let us breathe
> and when to push a little. think everyone at asd has to, or had to
> deal with ptsd. some who are in almost constant state of ptsd. it can
> be worked with, but it does require a very experienced and
> compassionate tpst.
i have what someone called a complex ptsd. so i accumulate ptsd and
its not one big event. so i can't work through it cuz i can't remember
them all and they're all pretty big to me. so any of them is too much.
it would completely unravel me and my sense of what's right and wrong
in this world. i've tried to look at the things but i can't.
> oh yeah. understand this. we call it running away. outside world often
> feels like a constant barrage of overwhelm. is easier to shut down and
> stop knowing. even better to stay home. sigh.
i stay home a lot. :P agoraphobia.
dx's have allowed us
> to feel less like the alien in the crowd.
yep. :)
qqq eee
> In article
> <6a52f767-fe76-4459-9b94-7db5ce1c0...@j14g2000yqm.googlegroups.com>,
>
> - Show quoted text -
thanks juniper, i'm also an addict, pretty much drugs or alcohol
depending on what i can have. do you mind me asking what kind of
complex ptsd you have? since i only know of one kind. otherwise forget
i asked.
qqq eee
> In article <juniper-8AF154.13094831122...@news.individual.net>,
>
>
>
>
>
> Juniper <juni...@asarian-intl.org> wrote:
> > In article
> > <6a52f767-fe76-4459-9b94-7db5ce1c0...@j14g2000yqm.googlegroups.com>,
>
> - Show quoted text -
i also hoard, i hoard stuff online and stuff i own that's important to
me but i wish i could get rid of it. :(
qqq eee
> On Thu, 31 Dec 2009, qqq eee wrote:
> >> so i guess "be careful what you wish for". :-/
>
> btw, it would make it easier on us to follow the conversation if you
> keep the attribution. do you need help figuring out how to do that or
> what i'm talking about?
no idea. you mean i should keep the beginning part where you're quoted?
astri
> i have what someone called a complex ptsd. so i accumulate ptsd and
> its not one big event. so i can't work through it cuz i can't
> remember them all and they're all pretty big to me. so any of them is
> too much. it would completely unravel me and my sense of what's right
> and wrong in this world. i've tried to look at the things but i
> can't.
we have complex ptsd
we have a t who understands it
the work just goes very slowly
she helps us not be totally overwhelmed while doing it
astri
> On Dec 31, 7:22 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Thu, 31 Dec 2009, qqq eee wrote:
>>>> so i guess "be careful what you wish for". :-/
>>
>> btw, it would make it easier on us to follow the conversation if you
>> keep the attribution. do you need help figuring out how to do that
>> or what i'm talking about?
>
> no idea. you mean i should keep the beginning part where you're
> quoted?
yes, exactly
the names of the folks who were talking
thank you
Jennifer Thomas
> In article <juniper-8AF154.13094831122...@news.individual.net>,
>
>
>
>
>
> Juniper <juni...@asarian-intl.org> wrote:
> > In article
> > <6a52f767-fe76-4459-9b94-7db5ce1c0...@j14g2000yqm.googlegroups.com>,
>
> - Show quoted text -
heh
what's the deal with the hoarding? maybe i have that.
my d*d hired some guys to come in and fix the ceilings in 3 rooms of
my part of the house. ended up paying 'em to paint the walls, too.
but what this meant to *me* was i came home from work one day and most
of my stuff was packed up in big black garbage bags. next day the
rest of it was packed up.
next day my *bed* was leaning against the fireplace in the *living
room*.
it rather sent me off the deep end. acted out the 2nd day. 3rd day
turned right around after seeing the bed upright and went to my 'rents
for the night. washed my clothes, borrowed a shirt from m*m (they fit
now!), went to work the next day.
d*d gave the guy sh*t about not even leaving me a bed to sleep on, and
the house was put more to rights the next day.
still haven't found my hairbrush. but i found my deodorant, after
buying more.
THEN i got a TICKET from the village for having debris from
construction in my yard for more than 7 days...did i mention that the
black bags containing all my stuff got moved to the backyard where
they promptly got RAINED UPON?????????????
***THEN***!!!!! *pant, pant* when i told the construction dude that
he got a ticket (*smirk* it made me feel good even though he won't
pay it), he came over and started throwing the bags into the back of
his truck! i said "Where are you taking those???" he said "To the
garbage, i guess." AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i lost it a bit, yelled, he tried to tell me the stuff in the bags was
all garbage, opened a bag to show me, i pulled out 3 of the birds and
blooms magazines i'd been saving as craft supplies (hence the hoarding
reference) and said "THIS IS NOT GARBAGE!!! I have to sort through
every one of these bags to find the rest of my STUFF that's
missing!!!"
made arrangements for the bags to go behind my garage n put a tarp
over 'em. i've gone thru one so far.
found my old cable modem that i might need to return.
also found some of my clothes, towels...bag of food that went missing
that i'd needed to put in the fridge...threw that back out.
*grrrrrrrrrr*
it's taken me weeks to feel like i have a home again, and it's still
not quite there because the guy never finished the *#^$(*@@)$&*^$#)@@
work!!!
i'm giving him a call monday. i'll try sweet-talk first. then i'll
threaten better business bureau and legal action if that doesn't
work. i'll take him before judge judy. :D
but the main point is what he considered garbage was "stuff i was
saving".
like my 18" high stack of chrch bulletins where i'm listed as soloist,
dating back 15 years or so, plus the thank you cards for times i've
sung at memorials n whatnot.
my gps is still missing, my handicapped parking tag (expired now), ok,
shutting up now.
:)
so, massive new trauma on top of the dave leaving trauma. really not
good for me. thinking bout getting a fire-proof safe to keep my
stuffies in. or just carrying rodge-rodge with me at all times. :)
jt
Juniper
<63774762-2f34-45e0...@22g2000yqr.googlegroups.com>,
qqq eee <iscor...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> thanks juniper, i'm also an addict, pretty much drugs or alcohol
> depending on what i can have. do you mind me asking what kind of
> complex ptsd you have? since i only know of one kind. otherwise forget
> i asked.
That's the term Judy Herman came up with for the constellation of
symptoms displayed by trauma survivors -- the usual PTSD stuff in
various configurations: hypervigilance, flashbacks, overreactions,
intrusive thoughts, etc. etc.
Juniper
Juniper
<d1d00991-9b66-4bb9...@m3g2000yqf.googlegroups.com>,
Jennifer Thomas <jtdg...@gmail.com> wrote:
Geezzuz I'm getting anxious just reading that. That was major boundary
violation.
HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT!!!!
Juniper
astri
gah
none of that ok
astri
actually, it's a bit more complex (heh) than that
the trauma needs to be repeated and unescapable
the "usual" ptsd stuff doesn't always fit the reactions in c-ptsd
qqq eee
>
> - Show quoted text -
that's awful, jt. *hug* :)
can you get someone to help you go through the bags? a friend?
qqq eee
> On Thu, 31 Dec 2009, Juniper wrote:
> > In article
> > qqq eee <iscorne...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> >> thanks juniper, i'm also an addict, pretty much drugs or alcohol
> >> depending on what i can have. do you mind me asking what kind of
> >> complex ptsd you have? since i only know of one kind. otherwise
> >> forget i asked.
>
> > That's the term Judy Herman came up with for the constellation of
> > symptoms displayed by trauma survivors -- the usual PTSD stuff in
> > various configurations: hypervigilance, flashbacks, overreactions,
> > intrusive thoughts, etc. etc.
>
> actually, it's a bit more complex (heh) than that
> the trauma needs to be repeated and unescapable
> the "usual" ptsd stuff doesn't always fit the reactions in c-ptsd
>
> -- astri
>
> ======================
> to email send to astri
> ======================
> at volcano dot org
> ======================
ok i'm confused, i thought it just meant you have several and
accumulating traumas instead of one big one.
Juniper
<248cc516-094b-4822...@26g2000yqo.googlegroups.com>,
qqq eee <iscor...@gmail.com> wrote:
I believe astri is correct. It certainly fits my history. It was the
years of day in, day out, unrelenting low-grade stuff that wouldn't have
been PTSD-worthy (as it were) by itself, but the fact that it just kept
on, feeling like there was no escape, like a pr*son, that made it
complex PTSD-worthy, so to speak. Ick.
Juniper
Jennifer Thomas
> On Thu, 31 Dec 2009, Juniper wrote:
> > In article
> > qqq eee <iscorne...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> >> thanks juniper, i'm also an addict, pretty much drugs or alcohol
> >> depending on what i can have. do you mind me asking what kind of
> >> complex ptsd you have? since i only know of one kind. otherwise
> >> forget i asked.
>
> > That's the term Judy Herman came up with for the constellation of
> > symptoms displayed by trauma survivors -- the usual PTSD stuff in
> > various configurations: hypervigilance, flashbacks, overreactions,
> > intrusive thoughts, etc. etc.
>
> actually, it's a bit more complex (heh) than that
> the trauma needs to be repeated and unescapable
> the "usual" ptsd stuff doesn't always fit the reactions in c-ptsd
>
> -- astri
>
> ======================
> to email send to astri
> ======================
> at volcano dot org
> ======================
i can't imagine any reason why i *wouldn't* have that.
jt
Jennifer Thomas
>
> - Show quoted text -
i think the problem i ran into was there was no way for me to tell the
difference between the day in, day out unrelenting low-grade verbal
stuff from the verbal stuff that was going to turn into high-grade
phys. stuff. the never-knowing meant that the low-grade stuff wasn't
low-grade for me. cuz some days it was ok to say things that other
days would be heinous crimes. and it wasn't ok to act scared because
that would mean i was trying to make them out to be bad people, or
make them feel guilty or something...
plus the negl*ct that i still don't have a solid handle on.
except for finding all the things i don't know in life that other
people get taught.
like how to throw things out.
how to determine whether a coat will be warm enough in the winter.
that yer sposta buy and wear boots.
that it helps to have more than one pair of shoes.
that clothing should be discarded once it's stained (but, but...it's
ok to wear it gardening, right??) <yes, but not if it's also so big on
you that when you bend over it shows all to gawd and country> [and
there are some who would say it's not ok to wear already-stained or
ripped clothing to work in the yard when the whole of the yard is
visible to the street, and when you're open to talking to anyone who
wanders by.].
jt
Jennifer Thomas
>
> - Show quoted text -
not sure it would help to have a friend go thru stuff. have to see
stuff with my own eyes, sorta. might help to have a friend visiting
while i go thru stuff.
wanna come over? :D
jt
Juniper
<c3956258-e3b9-40ec...@34g2000yqp.googlegroups.com>,
Jennifer Thomas <jtdg...@gmail.com> wrote:
Yeah. I also wasn't taught to go to the doctor when I was hurt or sick.
Or to ask for help when something was too much for me. (Nothing was
supposed to be too much for me. "We don't need help.") Or to talk
about my feelings. Or to show grief when someone important dies. Or to
talk about the family outside the family. Or to engage in any behavior
that wasn't sanctioned by being "how we do it." Or to make noise.
Juniper
astri
> On Jan 1, 12:55 am, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Thu, 31 Dec 2009, Juniper wrote:
>>> In article
>>> <63774762-2f34-45e0-86d2-d4f674fc6...@22g2000yqr.googlegroups.com>,
>>> qqq eee <iscorne...@gmail.com> wrote:
>>
>>>> thanks juniper, i'm also an addict, pretty much drugs or alcohol
>>>> depending on what i can have. do you mind me asking what kind of
>>>> complex ptsd you have? since i only know of one kind. otherwise
>>>> forget i asked.
>>
>>> That's the term Judy Herman came up with for the constellation of
>>> symptoms displayed by trauma survivors -- the usual PTSD stuff in
>>> various configurations: hypervigilance, flashbacks, overreactions,
>>> intrusive thoughts, etc. etc.
>>
>> actually, it's a bit more complex (heh) than that
>> the trauma needs to be repeated and unescapable
>> the "usual" ptsd stuff doesn't always fit the reactions in c-ptsd
>
> accumulating traumas instead of one big one.
accumulating traumas is well likely to be part of it, but all the stuff
i've read notes the inescapability aspect
this url describes it well
be aware if you go there that it may be triggering cuz it talks about
types of trauma
http://ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/ncdocs/fact_shts/fs_complex_ptsd.html
qqq eee
>
> - Show quoted text -
ah yeah same here. :/
qqq eee
>
> - Show quoted text -
i never really learned to take care of myself, but that's from autism.
just didn't register growing up. have to learn everything older. it
sucks.
qqq eee
i would if i lived closer. :P could haul bags, i'm good at carrying.
or i could just tell you stories while you work.
fuzzy
>> did anything big happen at age 13?
>
> i guess it was the start of the typical teenager problems with mood
> but also my self esteem was plummeting cuz of accumulated social
> mistakes, undx'd OCD that i thought was only given to me in the whole
> of existence, my ED started with binging and that's when it started,
> and i lost most of my friends cuz they all grew up and i stayed
> behind, and i was bullied in school. after that i just kept
> accumulating social mistakes each of which went undealt with and
> failing to finish schools and felt more and more like i was worthless
> and had no place in life.
>
lots of hard stuff :(
fuzzy
> it rather sent me off the deep end. acted out the 2nd day. 3rd day
> turned right around after seeing the bed upright and went to my 'rents
> for the night. washed my clothes, borrowed a shirt from m*m (they fit
> now!), went to work the next day.
>
> d*d gave the guy sh*t about not even leaving me a bed to sleep on, and
> the house was put more to rights the next day.
>
> still haven't found my hairbrush. but i found my deodorant, after
> buying more.
>
:(
> THEN i got a TICKET from the village for having debris from
> construction in my yard for more than 7 days...did i mention that the
> black bags containing all my stuff got moved to the backyard where
> they promptly got RAINED UPON?????????????
>
that's just wrong wrong wrong
> ***THEN***!!!!! *pant, pant* when i told the construction dude that
> he got a ticket (*smirk* it made me feel good even though he won't
> pay it), he came over and started throwing the bags into the back of
> his truck! i said "Where are you taking those???" he said "To the
> garbage, i guess." AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
:O oh man what a $%@#$@%
> i lost it a bit, yelled, he tried to tell me the stuff in the bags was
> all garbage, opened a bag to show me, i pulled out 3 of the birds and
> blooms magazines i'd been saving as craft supplies (hence the hoarding
> reference) and said "THIS IS NOT GARBAGE!!! I have to sort through
> every one of these bags to find the rest of my STUFF that's
> missing!!!"
>
good for you for standing up for yourself
> made arrangements for the bags to go behind my garage n put a tarp
> over 'em. i've gone thru one so far.
>
> found my old cable modem that i might need to return.
> also found some of my clothes, towels...bag of food that went missing
> that i'd needed to put in the fridge...threw that back out.
> *grrrrrrrrrr*
>
guy should pay for damages
> it's taken me weeks to feel like i have a home again, and it's still
> not quite there because the guy never finished the *#^$(*@@)$&*^$#)@@
> work!!!
>
:(
> i'm giving him a call monday. i'll try sweet-talk first. then i'll
> threaten better business bureau and legal action if that doesn't
> work. i'll take him before judge judy. :D
>
he totally deserves it
> but the main point is what he considered garbage was "stuff i was
> saving".
>
> like my 18" high stack of chrch bulletins where i'm listed as soloist,
> dating back 15 years or so, plus the thank you cards for times i've
> sung at memorials n whatnot.
>
> my gps is still missing, my handicapped parking tag (expired now), ok,
> shutting up now.
>
you don't gotta shut up
> :)
>
> so, massive new trauma on top of the dave leaving trauma. really not
> good for me. thinking bout getting a fire-proof safe to keep my
> stuffies in. or just carrying rodge-rodge with me at all times. :)
>
> jt
really hard times
regrets
qqq eee
that must have been awful. especially the not showing grief.
qqq eee
>
> - Show quoted text -
thanks astri. that was an interesting article. there's nothing to
trigger me cuz my trauma is different. but i could identify anyway
astri
> trigger me cuz my trauma is different. but i could identify anyway
yw
Juniper
<2c52718b-9327-4f21...@21g2000yqj.googlegroups.com>,
qqq eee <iscor...@gmail.com> wrote:
> On Jan 1, 7:18�pm, Juniper <juni...@asarian-intl.org> wrote:
> > In article
> > Yeah. �I also wasn't taught to go to the doctor when I was hurt or sick. �
> > Or to ask for help when something was too much for me. �(Nothing was
> > supposed to be too much for me. �"We don't need help.") �Or to talk
> > about my feelings. �Or to show grief when someone important dies. �Or to
> > talk about the family outside the family. �Or to engage in any behavior
> > that wasn't sanctioned by being "how we do it." �Or to make noise.
> >
> > Juniper- Hide quoted text -
> that must have been awful. especially the not showing grief.
I didn't experience it as awful. It was just the way it was. I had
nothing to compare it to, so I had no idea it wasn't just the best life
could be. I was pretty numb, and then I started drinking. It wasn't
until I got sober that I got a sense that it had been awful.
My first therp compared me to a human child who'd been raised by Vulcans.
Juniper
Juniper
<443d669d-2dc0-4584...@c34g2000yqn.googlegroups.com>,
qqq eee <iscor...@gmail.com> wrote:
> > I believe astri is correct. �It certainly fits my history. �It was the
> > years of day in, day out, unrelenting low-grade stuff that wouldn't have
> > been PTSD-worthy (as it were) by itself, but the fact that it just kept
> > on, feeling like there was no escape, like a pr*son, that made it
> > complex PTSD-worthy, so to speak. �Ick.
> >
> > Juniper- Hide quoted text -
> >
> > - Show quoted text -
>
> ah yeah same here. :/
Regret you can say that.
Juniper
jill
I'm sure it will come out oddly, but I would have liked to have been
raised by vulcans *sigh* then we would have KNOWN things were weird
and accepted that things that might seem normal weren't and things
that seemed abnormal weren't, or whatever *wry grin* But if the foo
looked like duck, quacked like a duck and acted like a duck...
How were we to know they were rudabeggas!! :P
Rainbow Colors (Jill)
--
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing
we are becoming white light.
ji...@tuells.org
Juniper
ji...@tuells.org (jill) wrote:
I don't follow. How would you have known there was anything odd if
you'd never known anything else? If you never see anything else, then
what you're experiencing has to be normal because it's all there is.
J.
jill
My thinking was: I look at my foo and they _look_ like me, so I
assume they are _like_ me. I look at Sarek and he clearly doesn't
look like me, so I'm not as likely to think I am like him. Of course
if everyone else in the environment is Vulcan then I would just assume
there was something wrong with me. I hadn't considered it that way.
My thought was based on what I know of adopted kids from other
cultures being raised in the US. They look around and see that their
parent doesn't look like they do so they accept that they are not
totally the same and accept that there going to be differences. There
are a lot of kids from Asian countries being raised around here and
they are often adopted when they are toddlers or older.
Of course this is adult logic, not kid logic. :P
Juniper
ji...@tuells.org (jill) wrote:
Yeah. That's actually sort of what happened with me. I was different
from the 'rents and my sister, so I must be defective. Stood to reason.
Well, no. I *did* have some diagnosable stuff that wasn't being
diagnosed, but I also had inherited different personality genes. And
then the assigned family role for me was primarily scapegoat during the
worst years.
> My thought was based on what I know of adopted kids from other
> cultures being raised in the US. They look around and see that their
> parent doesn't look like they do so they accept that they are not
> totally the same and accept that there going to be differences. There
> are a lot of kids from Asian countries being raised around here and
> they are often adopted when they are toddlers or older.
>
> Of course this is adult logic, not kid logic. :P
Yes. There's a big difference there.
It was like being raised underwater. I had no clue there was a place
where I could breathe without drowning. Then later I washed up on the
shore and realized the truth.
Juniper
jill
I guess the difference in what I was saying and what you were saying
is in 'having no clue'. You didn't realize something could be
different so you continued to be stuck in something that wasn't right
but didn't know there was any way it could be right. I looked at
the rest of the world and knew what I wanted but couldn't figure out
how to get there from where I was. Plus, my foo kept insisting they
were like everyone else when I could see with my own eyes that wasn't
true. So the 'logical' solution was to doubt what I felt inside :P
Juniper
ji...@tuells.org (jill) wrote:
Ah! Got it. Yup. Different.
Juniper