tired
Emerging Butterfly
basically said get moving nothing seems wrong just go. so i've been
trying to do so. and i get dizzy and vertigo and i'm working to eat
better and to be somewhat busy and it's helping some but can see am
definitely not fully well.
was out with J. yesterday and had to hold onto her some to get home.
felt on verge of passing out and this was after eating something
fairly healthy.
looked up ch*rches online and got really triggered. so maybe not time
to incorporate that into life yet.
so tired.....want to go back to sleep for a bit and may. but need to
clean apt up some and want to be here.
anyway -- if i disappear for a bit, i couldn't resist the pull of the
bed. i'll be back.
astri
> been feeling sickness since being at d*ctor which is weird since she
> basically said get moving nothing seems wrong just go. so i've been
> trying to do so. and i get dizzy and vertigo and i'm working to eat
> better and to be somewhat busy and it's helping some but can see am
> definitely not fully well.
log this kind of thing for doc?
> was out with J. yesterday and had to hold onto her some to get home.
> felt on verge of passing out and this was after eating something
> fairly healthy.
> looked up ch*rches online and got really triggered. so maybe not time
> to incorporate that into life yet.
> so tired.....want to go back to sleep for a bit and may. but need to
> clean apt up some and want to be here.
> anyway -- if i disappear for a bit, i couldn't resist the pull of the
> bed. i'll be back.
too bad sleep doesn't seem to help
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
Emerging Butterfly
> On Sun, 13 Sep 2009, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
> > been feeling sickness since being at d*ctor which is weird since she
> > basically said get moving nothing seems wrong just go. so i've been
> > trying to do so. and i get dizzy and vertigo and i'm working to eat
> > better and to be somewhat busy and it's helping some but can see am
> > definitely not fully well.
>
> log this kind of thing for doc?
>
> > was out with J. yesterday and had to hold onto her some to get home.
> > felt on verge of passing out and this was after eating something
> > fairly healthy.
> > looked up ch*rches online and got really triggered. so maybe not time
> > to incorporate that into life yet.
> > so tired.....want to go back to sleep for a bit and may. but need to
> > clean apt up some and want to be here.
> > anyway -- if i disappear for a bit, i couldn't resist the pull of the
> > bed. i'll be back.
>
> too bad sleep doesn't seem to help
>
oh, but it feels *wonderful*
heh
astri
> On Sep 13, 2:56 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Sun, 13 Sep 2009, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>> been feeling sickness since being at d*ctor which is weird since
>>> she basically said get moving nothing seems wrong just go. so i've
>>> been trying to do so. and i get dizzy and vertigo and i'm working
>>> to eat better and to be somewhat busy and it's helping some but can
>>> see am definitely not fully well.
>>
>> log this kind of thing for doc?
> not a bad idea, that.
k
>>> was out with J. yesterday and had to hold onto her some to get
>>> home. felt on verge of passing out and this was after eating
>>> something fairly healthy. looked up ch*rches online and got really
>>> triggered. so maybe not time to incorporate that into life yet. so
>>> tired.....want to go back to sleep for a bit and may. but need to
>>> clean apt up some and want to be here. anyway -- if i disappear for
>>> a bit, i couldn't resist the pull of the bed. i'll be back.
>>
>> too bad sleep doesn't seem to help
>>
> oh, but it feels *wonderful*
> heh
mmmm
Emerging Butterfly
except today's nap. today's nap was bad and filled with m*m trying to
h*rt and k*ll me. ugh.
Shiyiya
:(
*offers hugs*
More okay now?
Emerging Butterfly
thank you.
>
> More okay now?
think so. was doing lots of stretchy stuff and couldn't seem to get
out of bed quite, but needed to move. so i think i'll go to support
meeting tonight and take a nice walk getting there. should help.
how are yous?
Shiyiya
Can't sleep, same stomachache that's been off and on for the past month
came back. Fiance thinks it's stress, he's probably right. We're not
that okay lately. Too fragile sensitive broken. We manage to be okay for
a little while and then get knocked back down again. Frustrating. Just
want to be okay for a while but universe doesn't seem to want to let us.
</whine>
Emerging Butterfly
ugh. feeling too fragile to get an equilibrium that can stick for a
bit, it sounds like.
wish you had more of a sense of solidity. sounds scary.
Shiyiya
is frustrating, and makes everything bigger and harder and scarier.
everything keeps getting knocked out from under us. we're having issues
with food too. can't imagine being able to walk to the store for
groceries and can't bring ourself to cook really. end up not eating for
too long and then nothing but crackers and stuff that takes no effort.
we're worrying fiance :/
46 days
Emerging Butterfly
:(
>
> 46 days
46 days of what?
just to let you know -- i'm heading out to my support group. which has
*great* hot chocolate cuz i brought it. :)
Emerging Butterfly
i'm kinda little though so don't know if i wanna go. :(
Shiyiya
> On Sep 13, 6:24 pm, Shiyiya <shiyiya.as...@gmail.com> wrote:
>> Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>> On Sep 13, 6:13 pm, Shiyiya <shiyiya.as...@gmail.com> wrote:
>>>> Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>>>> On Sep 13, 6:02 pm, Shiyiya <shiyiya.as...@gmail.com> wrote:
>>>>> think so. was doing lots of stretchy stuff and couldn't seem to get
>>>>> out of bed quite, but needed to move. so i think i'll go to support
>>>>> meeting tonight and take a nice walk getting there. should help.
>>>>> how are yous?
>>>> Can't sleep, same stomachache that's been off and on for the past month
>>>> came back. Fiance thinks it's stress, he's probably right. We're not
>>>> that okay lately. Too fragile sensitive broken. We manage to be okay for
>>>> a little while and then get knocked back down again. Frustrating. Just
>>>> want to be okay for a while but universe doesn't seem to want to let us.
>>>> </whine>
>>> ugh. feeling too fragile to get an equilibrium that can stick for a
>>> bit, it sounds like.
>>> wish you had more of a sense of solidity. sounds scary.
>> is frustrating, and makes everything bigger and harder and scarier.
>> everything keeps getting knocked out from under us. we're having issues
>> with food too. can't imagine being able to walk to the store for
>> groceries and can't bring ourself to cook really. end up not eating for
>> too long and then nothing but crackers and stuff that takes no effort.
>> we're worrying fiance :/
>
>
> :(
>
>> 46 days
>
> 46 days of what?
Till Jezz gets here. Have to hang onto that.
> just to let you know -- i'm heading out to my support group. which has
> *great* hot chocolate cuz i brought it. :)
>
>
Hope you enjoy yourself :) Hot chocolate sounds tasty!
Shiyiya
Are you okay?
Emerging Butterfly
um yeah i guess. little and stretchy painful feeling in body and can't
seem to clean apt feel tired but not able to sleep that hurt too much
when slept today and don't know if being a good girl and know we did
some things not good on group and not sure what that means about us on
the whole and and and....
about to play monopoly.
(find us in pogo if you want) :)
Shiyiya
You don't have to be perfect all the time. It's okay to be human.
> about to play monopoly.
> (find us in pogo if you want) :)
We'd like to go play with you but the room you're in is full >_<
astri
> Can't sleep, same stomachache that's been off and on for the past
> month came back. Fiance thinks it's stress, he's probably right.
> We're not that okay lately. Too fragile sensitive broken. We manage
> to be okay for a little while and then get knocked back down again.
> Frustrating. Just want to be okay for a while but universe doesn't
> seem to want to let us.
any particular kinds of things knock you back or just anything?
Shiyiya
Anything. Everything. Stupid things. And everything seems to trigger us
now. Food has started to too which scares us. Everything made bigger and
harder and scarier by the fact that we're not even okay enoguh to be
able to read a book. And we'd try to be less broken and easily knocked
back down but everything is going into staying something vaguely
resembling functioning.
astri
> astri wrote:
>>
>> any particular kinds of things knock you back or just anything?
>
> us now. Food has started to too which scares us. Everything made
> bigger and harder and scarier by the fact that we're not even okay
> enoguh to be able to read a book. And we'd try to be less broken and
> easily knocked back down but everything is going into staying
> something vaguely resembling functioning.
think maybe helps some to focus on only one thing at a time if
possible.
Emerging Butterfly
and now i feel desperate need to take a walk my body needs to move and
it's cooler outside since it's 11:30pm but....it's 11:30 pm and i live
near a kinda dangerous street.
think will walk anyway, just steer clear of that street.
Emerging Butterfly
*sighs in tiredness*
that was a good walk. no danger while walking either quiet streets.
i'm doing well with what the doc said so far -- drinking water haven't
had a soda since we spoke and am working hard to get out and do some
things, even if it's a late night walk. that should help me reduce the
meds i'm taking that are throwing off the metabolism and causing me to
sleep all the time.
ubiquity
Hope it was a good walk (next post said it was). We would like to walk,
but we're kind of stumbling right now. Not good balanace right now, and
there's a car behind the building in the parking lot that's been sitting
there for at least twenty minutes with people inside. We scared to
leave.
--
-ubiquity
Emerging Butterfly
> On 2009-09-14, Emerging Butterfly wrote...
>
>
> Hope it was a good walk (next post said it was). We would like to walk,
> but we're kind of stumbling right now. Not good balanace right now, and
> there's a car behind the building in the parking lot that's been sitting
> there for at least twenty minutes with people inside. We scared to
> leave.
understandably.
>
> --
> -ubiquity
ubiquity
Maybe we're just crazy.
--
-ubiquity
Emerging Butterfly
> On 2009-09-14, Emerging Butterfly wrote...
>
> > On Sep 14, 4:03?am, ubiquity <ubiqu...@cryptobug.com> wrote:
> >> On 2009-09-14, Emerging Butterfly wrote...
>
> >> Hope it was a good walk (next post said it was). We would like to walk,
> >> but we're kind of stumbling right now. Not good balanace right now, and
> >> there's a car behind the building in the parking lot that's been sitting
> >> there for at least twenty minutes with people inside. We scared to
> >> leave.
>
> > understandably.
>
> Maybe we're just crazy.
>
> --
> -ubiquity
that might seem easier certainly
ubiquity
>> On 2009-09-14, Emerging Butterfly wrote...
>>
>> > On Sep 14, 4:03?am, ubiquity <ubiqu...@cryptobug.com> wrote:
>> >> On 2009-09-14, Emerging Butterfly wrote...
>>
>> >> Hope it was a good walk (next post said it was). We would like to walk,
>> >> but we're kind of stumbling right now. Not good balanace right now, and
>> >> there's a car behind the building in the parking lot that's been sitting
>> >> there for at least twenty minutes with people inside. We scared to
>> >> leave.
>>
>> > understandably.
>>
>> Maybe we're just crazy.
>
Meds can fix it.
--
-ubiquity
astri
> On 2009-09-14, Emerging Butterfly wrote...
>> On Sep 14, 7:55?am, ubiquity <ubiqu...@cryptobug.com> wrote:
>>> On 2009-09-14, Emerging Butterfly wrote...
>>>
>>>> On Sep 14, 4:03?am, ubiquity <ubiqu...@cryptobug.com> wrote:
>>>>> On 2009-09-14, Emerging Butterfly wrote...
>>>
>>>>> Hope it was a good walk (next post said it was). We would like to
>>>>> walk, but we're kind of stumbling right now. Not good balanace
>>>>> right now, and there's a car behind the building in the parking
>>>>> lot that's been sitting there for at least twenty minutes with
>>>>> people inside. We scared to leave.
>>>
>>>> understandably.
>>>
>>> Maybe we're just crazy.
>>
>> that might seem easier certainly
>
> Meds can fix it.
but meds haven't fixed you so that must mean you're not just crazy
ubiquity
> On Mon, 14 Sep 2009, ubiquity wrote:
>> On 2009-09-14, Emerging Butterfly wrote...
>>> On Sep 14, 7:55?am, ubiquity <ubiqu...@cryptobug.com> wrote:
>>>> Maybe we're just crazy.
>>>
>>> that might seem easier certainly
>>
>> Meds can fix it.
>
> but meds haven't fixed you so that must mean you're not just crazy
Maybe we can get thorazine again and then maybe no more following or
buzzing door or people in vans parking. The man gave us vitamins and
then we were ok. Maybe we can get those ones.
--
-ubiquity
Shiyiya
> x-no-archive: yes
>
> Hi!
The hard part is not knowing when we'll be able to leaave after that.
>
>> [...]
>
> Kind regards,
>
> Hannah(s).
Shiyiya
>
>> [...]
>
>>> It's a long time to wait, but still it'll pass.
>
>> The hard part is not knowing when we'll be able to leaave after that.
>
>
> Could you get an own place to live if it takes to long to move in with
> your fiancee?
Don't know. We aren't really fit to hold a job, so we couldn't pay for
something like that and him doing it would result in massive guilt complex.
>
> Kind regards,
>
> Hannah(s).
Emerging Butterfly
:(
nope.
no more "vitamins" no more being dr*gged.
Shiyiya
Doubt we could prove we needed it.
> (Here they won't allow it until the age of 25, unless one can prove that
> it's just impossible to stay for hard personal reasons, but then one
> would have to prove that well enough...)
>
> Understand the guilt complex thing well, wouldn't really like to take
> money (or the equivalent thereof, i.e. the partner paying for some of
> my life) either. Would make twisted things in the head, dependency,
> things like how will I have to pay back, etc.
we're good at giving ourselves guilt complexes about things. Probably
because m*m likes to guilt tri us about things to try and get us to
apologize and be good.
>
> Kind regards,
>
> Hannah(s).
Emerging Butterfly
> Hannah wrote:
> > x-no-archive: yes
>
> > Hi!
>
> >> Hannah wrote:
>
> >>> Shiyiya <shiyiya.as...@gmail.com> wrote:
> >>>> Hannah wrote:
>
> >>>> [...]
>
> >>>>> It's a long time to wait, but still it'll pass.
>
> >>>> The hard part is not knowing when we'll be able to leaave after that.
>
> >>> I can guess, after what you told. :(
>
> >>> Could you get an own place to live if it takes to long to move in with
> >>> your fiancee?
>
> >> Don't know. We aren't really fit to hold a job, so we couldn't pay for
> >> something like that and him doing it would result in massive guilt complex.
>
> > Understand. Moving out on some kind social benefits won't work, will it?
>
> Doubt we could prove we needed it.
well, it's not always that hard to get something like emancipation out
here. of course, you're 18 so you are emancipated. but wonder if there
could be any benefits if you were able to express the level of anxiety
living there is causing. would also be possible to apply for diability
and that could ultimately give you some money -- but that process
takes a bit of time.
here they have a specialist who works with youth and can expedite the
process.
>
> > (Here they won't allow it until the age of 25, unless one can prove that
> > it's just impossible to stay for hard personal reasons, but then one
> > would have to prove that well enough...)
>
> > Understand the guilt complex thing well, wouldn't really like to take
> > money (or the equivalent thereof, i.e. the partner paying for some of
> > my life) either. Would make twisted things in the head, dependency,
> > things like how will I have to pay back, etc.
>
> we're good at giving ourselves guilt complexes about things. Probably
> because m*m likes to guilt tri us about things to try and get us to
> apologize and be good.
ugh.
sucks.
>
>
>
> > Kind regards,
>
> > Hannah(s).
Shiyiya
Not even sure what we have official diagnosis of or paperwork for
official diagnosis of that would be worthy of disability.
Shiyiya
> x-no-archive: yes
>
> Hi!
>
> or something like that.
>
> Kind regards,
>
> Hannah(s).
We don't have one anymore. We've had several before, but it's been a
year since we went to the last one (pychologist) - holidays or something
and next appointment never got scheduled. We never manage to tell them
things that matter for it to help anyway. Stopped going to the
psychiatrist about two years ago because the meds were messing us up and
there was no point going to her if we weren't going to take meds because
that's all she did. The clinical social worker we refused to go back to
again ever after she ganged up on us with our m*m and yelled at us in a
little tiny room. Think the play thrpst moved but we didn't like going
to her anyway because she took notes on our every move and told our
p*rents things.
sorry, ramble.
ubiquity
>> Maybe we can get thorazine again and then maybe no more following or
>> buzzing door or people in vans parking. The man gave us vitamins and
>> then we were ok. Maybe we can get those ones.
>
> nope.
> no more "vitamins" no more being dr*gged.
We not going to take anything. We are trying to be good. Someone inside
screaming though.
--
-ubiquity
Emerging Butterfly
:(
here.
we're feeling kinda groundless. someone screaming a bit here too.
being safe more important than being good.
EB
so need to get some exercise. would like to go to bookstore....ooh.
really want to do that! but then there's a show we wanna see that
comes on at 8 (lie to me).....maybe will record it and watch it later.
and walk to bookstore and back. :)
at very least, will be gone for a bit walking. we might even be gone
next few hours reading and walking.
ubiquity
> On Sep 14, 6:03?pm, ubiquity <ubiqu...@cryptobug.com> wrote:
>> On 2009-09-14, Emerging Butterfly wrote...
>> > nope.
>> > no more "vitamins" no more being dr*gged.
>>
>> We not going to take anything. We are trying to be good. Someone inside
>> screaming though.
>
> here.
Thanks.
> we're feeling kinda groundless. someone screaming a bit here too.
We don't like screaming.
> being safe more important than being good.
We took a picture of the ice cream truck out back. Thinking of sending
it to t, but think we're going to not bug her the rest of the day.
Someone inside wants to go out there. Is that ok to say? Maybe they will
go away if we are good, but we're supposed to stay inside.
--
-ubiquity
Shiyiya
Bookstore sounds nice :) Hope it helps!
Shiyiya
> On 2009-09-15, Emerging Butterfly wrote...
>> On Sep 14, 6:03?pm, ubiquity <ubiqu...@cryptobug.com> wrote:
>>> On 2009-09-14, Emerging Butterfly wrote...
>>>> :(
>>>> nope.
>>>> no more "vitamins" no more being dr*gged.
>>> We not going to take anything. We are trying to be good. Someone inside
>>> screaming though.
>> :(
>> here.
>
> Thanks.
>
>> we're feeling kinda groundless. someone screaming a bit here too.
>
> We don't like screaming.
>
>> being safe more important than being good.
>
> We took a picture of the ice cream truck out back. Thinking of sending
> it to t, but think we're going to not bug her the rest of the day.
She's there to help you. Bugging doesn't apply.
> Someone inside wants to go out there. Is that ok to say? Maybe they will
> go away if we are good, but we're supposed to stay inside.
>
If it's something that scares you it's probably something bad out there
that might h*rt you :/ Stay inside, not to be good but to be safe.
EB
>
> > we're feeling kinda groundless. someone screaming a bit here too.
>
> We don't like screaming.
the screaming inside this body contains so much desperation. the
scream tonight is like a scream combined with crying and it all feels
stifled over and it's just...a sound of devastation.
>
> > being safe more important than being good.
>
> We took a picture of the ice cream truck out back. Thinking of sending
> it to t, but think we're going to not bug her the rest of the day.
> Someone inside wants to go out there. Is that ok to say? Maybe they will
> go away if we are good, but we're supposed to stay inside.
it's okay to say that someone inside wants to go out there.
you being good or not prolly won't make them stay or go away. (what do
you mean by being good in this instance?)
anyway -- really are heading out to the bookstore but wanted to check
in here first.
glad you're staying inside. is good idea for now we think.
and remember t. will call tomorrow. :)
you can even take notes and stuff of things alters would like to tell
her if you'd like.
>
> --
> -ubiquity
EB
thanks! was good getting ready cuz now apartment looks better too and
bed is made.
off to the bookstore....see you all in a few hours. :)
ubiquity
Ok. Hope you enjoy.
--
-ubiquity
ubiquity
>> > we're feeling kinda groundless. someone screaming a bit here too.
>>
>> We don't like screaming.
>
> the screaming inside this body contains so much desperation. the
> scream tonight is like a scream combined with crying and it all feels
> stifled over and it's just...a sound of devastation.
Not sure what this scream is, but it's p*inful.
>> > being safe more important than being good.
>>
>> We took a picture of the ice cream truck out back. Thinking of sending
>> it to t, but think we're going to not bug her the rest of the day.
>> Someone inside wants to go out there. Is that ok to say? Maybe they will
>> go away if we are good, but we're supposed to stay inside.
>
> it's okay to say that someone inside wants to go out there.
> you being good or not prolly won't make them stay or go away. (what do
> you mean by being good in this instance?)
> anyway -- really are heading out to the bookstore but wanted to check
> in here first.
> glad you're staying inside. is good idea for now we think.
> and remember t. will call tomorrow. :)
> you can even take notes and stuff of things alters would like to tell
> her if you'd like.
Scared.
--
-ubiquity
astri
:(
astri
> Not even sure what we have official diagnosis of or paperwork for
> official diagnosis of that would be worthy of disability.
can ask one of your docs?
Shiyiya
don't know. don't know contact for any of them and h*te phones and would
have to ask m*m to and she'd want to know why....
astri
(about t's)
> We don't have one anymore. We've had several before, but it's been a
> year since we went to the last one (pychologist) - holidays or
> something and next appointment never got scheduled. We never manage
> to tell them things that matter for it to help anyway. Stopped going
> to the psychiatrist about two years ago because the meds were messing
> us up and there was no point going to her if we weren't going to take
> meds because that's all she did. The clinical social worker we
> refused to go back to again ever after she ganged up on us with our
> m*m and yelled at us in a little tiny room. Think the play thrpst
> moved but we didn't like going to her anyway because she took notes
> on our every move and told our p*rents things.
oh
if you needed to qualify for disability, then, you'd have to start at
the beginning. :(
Shiyiya
> On Mon, 14 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>
> (about t's)
>> We don't have one anymore. We've had several before, but it's been a
>> year since we went to the last one (pychologist) - holidays or
>> something and next appointment never got scheduled. We never manage
>> to tell them things that matter for it to help anyway. Stopped going
>> to the psychiatrist about two years ago because the meds were messing
>> us up and there was no point going to her if we weren't going to take
>> meds because that's all she did. The clinical social worker we
>> refused to go back to again ever after she ganged up on us with our
>> m*m and yelled at us in a little tiny room. Think the play thrpst
>> moved but we didn't like going to her anyway because she took notes
>> on our every move and told our p*rents things.
>
> oh
>
> if you needed to qualify for disability, then, you'd have to start at
> the beginning. :(
>
> -- astri
>
>
not safe to talk to them. wouldn't help to have another one. besides,
we're not on p*rents insurance anymore now can have anything medical
EB
>
> other people need that kind of thing more than us
you have valid needs too.
>
> we're overreaccting blowing things out of proportion
don't think so.
it's okay to speak the p*in here. nobody's gonna jump on you or tell
you to shut up. is okay here.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Mon, 14 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>
>>> Not even sure what we have official diagnosis of or paperwork for
>>> official diagnosis of that would be worthy of disability.
>>
>> can ask one of your docs?
>
> would have to ask m*m to and she'd want to know why....
and you don't have insurance
and
sigh
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Mon, 14 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>
>> (about t's)
>>> We don't have one anymore. We've had several before, but it's been
>>> a year since we went to the last one (pychologist) - holidays or
>>> something and next appointment never got scheduled. We never manage
>>> to tell them things that matter for it to help anyway. Stopped
>>> going to the psychiatrist about two years ago because the meds were
>>> messing us up and there was no point going to her if we weren't
>>> going to take meds because that's all she did. The clinical social
>>> worker we refused to go back to again ever after she ganged up on
>>> us with our m*m and yelled at us in a little tiny room. Think the
>>> play thrpst moved but we didn't like going to her anyway because
>>> she took notes on our every move and told our p*rents things.
>>
>> oh
>>
>> if you needed to qualify for disability, then, you'd have to start
>> at the beginning. :(
>
> we're not on p*rents insurance anymore now can have anything medical
any options to get on insurance? parents willing to help you with cobra
coverage?
Shiyiya
we're good at excuses. always getting in trouble for 'making excuses'
even when it's a true reason. have to give up on explaining just lie
just say 'i dont know' and then they look disgusted but it's better than
making excuses that's bad.
Shiyiya
don't know. don't know what we're going to do now we can't leave. if we
asked d*d would probably just tell us we should get a job like he always
tells us always yells at us but we're not fot to really not just
pretending making excuses because don't want to really not okay we know
we're stupid sueless but we cant
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Mon, 14 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Mon, 14 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> Not even sure what we have official diagnosis of or paperwork for
>>>>> official diagnosis of that would be worthy of disability.
>>>>
>>>> can ask one of your docs?
>>>
>>> don't know. don't know contact for any of them and h*te phones and
>>> would have to ask m*m to and she'd want to know why....
>>
>> and you don't have insurance
>> and
>> sigh
>
> even when it's a true reason. have to give up on explaining just lie
> just say 'i dont know' and then they look disgusted but it's better
> than making excuses that's bad.
weren't saying that was an excuse you were making. is a real roadblock.
isn't your doing. and there are lots of overwhelming roadblocks. your
rents should be helping you figure out how to navigate as an adult in
the world. doesn't sound like they are doing any of that. sounds like
they're still treating you like a child and if you don't want to go
along with that, they'll just throw you out there to deal however.
rotten.
astri
> astri wrote:
>>
>> any options to get on insurance? parents willing to help you with
>> cobra coverage?
>
> we asked d*d would probably just tell us we should get a job like he
> always tells us always yells at us but we're not fot to really not
> just pretending making excuses because don't want to really not okay
> we know we're stupid sueless but we cant
maybe first thing to do is to take breaths between thoughts? you sound
pretty panicky.
Shiyiya
> On Wed, 16 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Mon, 14 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>> On Mon, 14 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> Not even sure what we have official diagnosis of or paperwork for
>>>>>> official diagnosis of that would be worthy of disability.
>>>>>
>>>>> can ask one of your docs?
>>>>
>>>> don't know. don't know contact for any of them and h*te phones and
>>>> would have to ask m*m to and she'd want to know why....
>>>
>>> and you don't have insurance
>>> and
>>> sigh
>>
>> we're good at excuses. always getting in trouble for 'making excuses'
>> even when it's a true reason. have to give up on explaining just lie
>> just say 'i dont know' and then they look disgusted but it's better
>> than making excuses that's bad.
>
> weren't saying that was an excuse you were making. is a real roadblock.
know you weren't, but we could see we were.
> isn't your doing. and there are lots of overwhelming roadblocks. your
> rents should be helping you figure out how to navigate as an adult in
> the world. doesn't sound like they are doing any of that. sounds like
> they're still treating you like a child and if you don't want to go
> along with that, they'll just throw you out there to deal however.
they haven't actually said they would but we bet they would. is maybe
implicit thread like every time d*d says to do chores the thread of
taking modem is behind it. d*d is maybe a little better at trating us
like our age but m*m will never see us as anything but her baby girl.
Not hers, that child has been gone for over ten years, and we don't even
know what happened to her.
Shiyiya
> On Wed, 16 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>>
>>> any options to get on insurance? parents willing to help you with
>>> cobra coverage?
>>
>> don't know. don't know what we're going to do now we can't leave. if
>> we asked d*d would probably just tell us we should get a job like he
>> always tells us always yells at us but we're not fot to really not
>> just pretending making excuses because don't want to really not okay
>> we know we're stupid sueless but we cant
>
> maybe first thing to do is to take breaths between thoughts? you sound
> pretty panicky.
we start sprialling down easy. but wee're bad at breathing slow and
thinking before we speak and calming down. can never get enough air
lately anyway.
EB
wow. and your m*m didn't see the disappearance or pursue the reasons.
how sad.
:(
EB
>
> > maybe first thing to do is to take breaths between thoughts? you sound
> > pretty panicky.
>
> we start sprialling down easy. but wee're bad at breathing slow and
> thinking before we speak and calming down. can never get enough air
> lately anyway.
:( had lots of panic attacks with my rents and couldn't breathe around
them either. there was no space and they were so scornful when they
saw me panicking. sorry you're hurting so much.
Shiyiya
don't think either have ever seen us. don't think they wanted us, just
wanted child, did all expensive in vitro stuff to get child, and then
child didn't turn out very good. THink they were maybe proud of us when
we ere still little and reading to the other kids in preschool and
learning the work ubiquitous at age three. but then maybe not because
m*m says we slammed a kid's fingers in a window in kindergarten so maybe
we were just never good.
Shiyiya
>>> maybe first thing to do is to take breaths between thoughts? you sound
>>> pretty panicky.
>> we start sprialling down easy. but wee're bad at breathing slow and
>> thinking before we speak and calming down. can never get enough air
>> lately anyway.
>
> :( had lots of panic attacks with my rents and couldn't breathe around
> them either. there was no space and they were so scornful when they
> saw me panicking. sorry you're hurting so much.
>
we used to have panic attacks almost every day at the end of our last
semester in school. think parents just wrote it off same way they do
whenever we cry.
EB
anyway -- is awful they never saw you.
don't think you were bad. think there were indications even in
kindergarten that something in you was h*rting. they refused to take
the time to learn why or to care for you. so sorry. :(
Shiyiya
is stupid, why would we have started being messed up so early. had good
childhood. if we work really really hard we can find scraps of memories
from it some we're pertty sure are ours and not created from hearing a
story about it. Like playing in a friend's room and putting all his toy
cars on the fan and turning it on and hiding under the quilt. Had lots
friends playdats fancy montessori school. no reason to be so broken.
EB
good reason to be so broken. you weren't a bad kid.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Wed, 16 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Mon, 14 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>> On Mon, 14 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Not even sure what we have official diagnosis of or paperwork
>>>>>>> for official diagnosis of that would be worthy of disability.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> can ask one of your docs?
>>>>>
>>>>> don't know. don't know contact for any of them and h*te phones
>>>>> and would have to ask m*m to and she'd want to know why....
>>>>
>>>> and you don't have insurance
>>>> and
>>>> sigh
>>>
>>> we're good at excuses. always getting in trouble for 'making
>>> excuses' even when it's a true reason. have to give up on
>>> explaining just lie just say 'i dont know' and then they look
>>> disgusted but it's better than making excuses that's bad.
>>
>> weren't saying that was an excuse you were making. is a real
>> roadblock.
>
> know you weren't, but we could see we were.
ok
>> isn't your doing. and there are lots of overwhelming roadblocks.
>> your rents should be helping you figure out how to navigate as an
>> adult in the world. doesn't sound like they are doing any of that.
>> sounds like they're still treating you like a child and if you don't
>> want to go along with that, they'll just throw you out there to deal
>> however.
>
> they haven't actually said they would but we bet they would. is maybe
> implicit thread like every time d*d says to do chores the thread of
> taking modem is behind it. d*d is maybe a little better at trating us
> like our age but m*m will never see us as anything but her baby girl.
> Not hers, that child has been gone for over ten years, and we don't
> even know what happened to her.
:/
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Wed, 16 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>>
>>>> any options to get on insurance? parents willing to help you with
>>>> cobra coverage?
>>>
>>> don't know. don't know what we're going to do now we can't leave.
>>> if we asked d*d would probably just tell us we should get a job
>>> like he always tells us always yells at us but we're not fot to
>>> really not just pretending making excuses because don't want to
>>> really not okay we know we're stupid sueless but we cant
>>
>> maybe first thing to do is to take breaths between thoughts? you
>> sound pretty panicky.
>
> we start sprialling down easy. but wee're bad at breathing slow and
> thinking before we speak and calming down. can never get enough air
> lately anyway.
anything that you know works to help you slow down a little?
astri
or you were angry about something
astri
> is stupid, why would we have started being messed up so early. had
> good childhood. if we work really really hard we can find scraps of
> memories from it some we're pertty sure are ours and not created from
> hearing a story about it. Like playing in a friend's room and putting
> all his toy cars on the fan and turning it on and hiding under the
> quilt. Had lots friends playdats fancy montessori school. no reason
> to be so broken.
we can find the good stuff too. the bad stuff doesn't make the good
stuff not real.
know you don't remember stuff. know you don't have any inkling of any
kind ab*se or whatever. also agree doesn't look like it all adds up.
means there's missing variables.
Shiyiya
> On Wed, 16 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Wed, 16 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> any options to get on insurance? parents willing to help you with
>>>>> cobra coverage?
>>>>
>>>> don't know. don't know what we're going to do now we can't leave.
>>>> if we asked d*d would probably just tell us we should get a job
>>>> like he always tells us always yells at us but we're not fot to
>>>> really not just pretending making excuses because don't want to
>>>> really not okay we know we're stupid sueless but we cant
>>>
>>> maybe first thing to do is to take breaths between thoughts? you
>>> sound pretty panicky.
>>
>> we start sprialling down easy. but wee're bad at breathing slow and
>> thinking before we speak and calming down. can never get enough air
>> lately anyway.
>
> anything that you know works to help you slow down a little?
>
> -- astri
>
>
fiance can fix but not when he's asleep or at work. (need to get him to
make recording for us.) Music helps but no good if we're not in room
with computer where the music is.
Shiyiya
but it means we h*rt someone that's bad
gathring
> astri wrote:
>> On Wed, 16 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>
>>> don't think either have ever seen us. don't think they wanted us,
>>> just wanted child, did all expensive in vitro stuff to get child, and
>>> then child didn't turn out very good. THink they were maybe proud of
>>> us when we ere still little and reading to the other kids in
>>> preschool and learning the work ubiquitous at age three. but then
>>> maybe not because m*m says we slammed a kid's fingers in a window in
>>> kindergarten so maybe we were just never good.
>>
>> or you were angry about something
> but it means we h*rt someone that's bad
maybe its not the most appropriate way to express your anger, but that
is still the age when kids are trying to learn that, so is not bad, just
still learning.
--
But a reality check here: this is not some great moral failing. It's
part of learning to be securely human in a confusing world. - Baba Yaga
astri
> astri wrote:
>>
>> anything that you know works to help you slow down a little?
>
> to make recording for us.) Music helps but no good if we're not in
> room with computer where the music is.
k
can you get some sort of mp3 player or ipod so you can have your music
where ever?
astri
>> On Wed, 16 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>
>>> don't think either have ever seen us. don't think they wanted us,
>>> just wanted child, did all expensive in vitro stuff to get child,
>>> and then child didn't turn out very good. THink they were maybe
>>> proud of us when we ere still little and reading to the other kids
>>> in preschool and learning the work ubiquitous at age three. but
>>> then maybe not because m*m says we slammed a kid's fingers in a
>>> window in kindergarten so maybe we were just never good.
>>
>> or you were angry about something
>
5 year olds still need to be socialized. they don't always know how to
control what they do or what to do with angry impulses. when sir lala
was 5 we had several incidents at school where he did something to hurt
another child. he's not a bad child. he just was struck with some kind
of wierd impulse. we dealt with it by making him tell each of us (dad
and mom) what happened, and then making him write apology letters to
his teacher and the individual kids. that seemed to work.
Shiyiya
we used to have one but it didn't work very well so we sold it. they're
expensive anyway would be dumb to get one for just around house. Guess
if just wanted calm music though could buy tiny generic cheap one
though.....
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Thu, 17 Sep 2009, Shiyiya wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>>
>>>> anything that you know works to help you slow down a little?
>>>
>>> fiance can fix but not when he's asleep or at work. (need to get him
>>> to make recording for us.) Music helps but no good if we're not in
>>> room with computer where the music is.
>>
>> k
>>
>> can you get some sort of mp3 player or ipod so you can have your music
>> where ever?
>
> they're expensive anyway would be dumb to get one for just around
> house. Guess if just wanted calm music though could buy tiny generic
> cheap one though.....
might help?
Juniper
astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
I remember that time. You posted about it. I was so impressed with how
you handled it. You were firm, clear, and loving. I think that may
have been when I asked if you'd adopt me! LOL
Juniper
--
Hearts cannot be bound to orthodoxy.
astri
> In article <Pine.BSI.4.64.09...@malasada.lava.net>,
> astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>
>> 5 year olds still need to be socialized. they don't always know how
>> to control what they do or what to do with angry impulses. when sir
>> lala was 5 we had several incidents at school where he did something
>> to hurt another child. he's not a bad child. he just was struck with
>> some kind of wierd impulse. we dealt with it by making him tell each
>> of us (dad and mom) what happened, and then making him write apology
>> letters to his teacher and the individual kids. that seemed to work.
>
> how you handled it. You were firm, clear, and loving. I think that
> may have been when I asked if you'd adopt me! LOL
we work hard at being a parent. he deserves it.
Juniper
astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
> On Fri, 18 Sep 2009, Juniper wrote:
> > In article <Pine.BSI.4.64.09...@malasada.lava.net>,
> > astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
> >
> >> 5 year olds still need to be socialized. they don't always know how
> >> to control what they do or what to do with angry impulses. when sir
> >> lala was 5 we had several incidents at school where he did something
> >> to hurt another child. he's not a bad child. he just was struck with
> >> some kind of wierd impulse. we dealt with it by making him tell each
> >> of us (dad and mom) what happened, and then making him write apology
> >> letters to his teacher and the individual kids. that seemed to work.
> >
> > I remember that time. You posted about it. I was so impressed with
> > how you handled it. You were firm, clear, and loving. I think that
> > may have been when I asked if you'd adopt me! LOL
>
> we work hard at being a parent. he deserves it.
Your hard work shows. You do great!
astri
> In article <Pine.BSI.4.64.09...@malasada.lava.net>,
> astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>
>> we work hard at being a parent. he deserves it.
>
> Your hard work shows. You do great!
ty