On Topic - Poopin Research

Looney

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Jun 1, 2001, 10:31:02 AM6/1/01

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Toilet testers strive to come out No. 2
By DAVE BARRY

------------------------------------------------------------------------

TASTEFULNESS ADVISORY: Do not read this column if you are eating, or
plan to eat ever again. Thank you.

Recently I watched as a professional engineer attempted to flush
fermented bean curd down a toilet.

This was not some fun engineer prank. This was a laboratory test
conducted at the research center of the National Association of Home
Builders, which is trying to develop a laboratory test for toilet
performance that simulates the challenges faced by toilets in the
real world.

This research is necessary because Americans are unhappy with the
wimpy toilets we are now required to buy. We yearn for the glory
years, when our toilets were among the most powerful on earth -- when
the standard American household commode could, in a single flush, as
proven in actual tests, suck down a mature sheep.

(Before I get a lot of mail from angry animal-rights activists, let
me stress that these tests did NOT use an actual sheep. That would be
barbaric! They used two goats tied together.)

But then, in 1992, the U.S. Congress -- instead of passing a law that
would actually benefit ordinary Americans, such as a mandatory death
penalty for telemarketers -- decided to cripple our toilets.
Specifically, Congress passed a law limiting new toilets to 1.6
gallons of water per flush, less than half what the old toilets used.
In terms of power and studliness, our toilets went from being the
Baltimore Ravens to being Barry Manilow.

(Before I get a lot of mail from angry Barry Manilow fans, let me
stress that, as a musician and a performer, he sounds like two goats
tied together.)

The new toilets were supposed to save water. And they work OK when it
comes to disposing of what is euphemistically referred to as ``Number
One.'' The problem is that, when they must dispose of what is
euphemistically referred to as ``Geraldo,'' they tend to clog, and
they often must be flushed repeatedly, which actually wastes water.

(Before I get a lot of mail from angry Geraldo fans, let me stress
that there ARE no Geraldo fans.)

So anyway, the plumbing and homebuilding industries have gotten many
complaints about the new toilets. That's why the National Association
of Home Builders has been trying to come up with a real-world toilet
test, so we'll know which, if any, toilets actually work, so
consumers can buy these and get rid of the bad toilets, which will
then be dropped from bombers onto the U.S. Capitol.

OK, that last part is a fantasy (for now). But the NAHB really is
doing serious toilet research, as I learned when I was given a tour
of its Maryland research facility by Larry Zarker, Chuck Arnold and
Tom Kenney. They showed me a laboratory where test toilets are
mounted on a frame; the procedure is, you put your test material into
the bowl, flush, then see how much material makes it through to a
wire collection basket underneath. (Kids: This would be a GREAT
science-fair project!)

Kenney first showed me the current test standard, in which the toilet
is supposed to flush 100 little plastic balls. There are two problems
with this test. One is that anybody who emits anything like 100
little plastic balls doesn't need a better toilet; he needs immediate
medical care. The other problem is that the test is WAY too easy.
``Any toilet in the world can pass it,'' said Kenney.

He then showed me some of the tougher, more-realistic tests being
considered. These involve various materials, including wads of paper
and sponges, both weighted and unweighted, to simulate what the NAHB
refers to as ``sinkers'' and ``floaters.''

But the most impressive test material, by FAR, is the fermented bean
curd, which Kenney said is made, using a secret recipe, by the Toto
toilet company of Japan, a world leader in commode innovation. I
mean, this stuff looks EXACTLY like real Geraldo. I myself would not
touch it. I watched in fascinated horror as Kenney boldly grasped a
mass of it and, with his bare hands, formed 10 incredibly lifelike
Puff Daddies. Needless to say, these clogged the test toilet.

I was deeply moved by this experience. I came away convinced that
these engineers will, some day, develop a test that will enable us,
as a nation, to once again have faith in our commodes. When that day
comes, I want to shake the hands of the courageous researchers who
made it possible. But first they will have to wash up.

Linda

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Jun 1, 2001, 2:16:52 PM6/1/01

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LOL! Thanks Looney, I always did hate those 3 flushers!! ;o)

Hugs, Linda
~~~~~~~~~~

"Looney" <"toonslooney(spam)"@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:3B17A72B...@yahoo.com...

Rebecca :-)

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Jun 1, 2001, 1:28:45 PM6/1/01

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LOL! Excellent! I am lucky to live in a 125 year old house with 50 year old
toilets -- those babies know how to flush!!!!

Rebecca :-)

Looney <"toonslooney(spam)"@yahoo.com> wrote in message
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Jun 2, 2001, 4:37:30 PM6/2/01

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That is just gross.... the pastel, not the recliner.

Mike

On Sat, 02 Jun 2001 20:09:11 GMT, "Linda" <sierra...@home.com>
wrote:

All opinions expressed are mine unless otherwise noted.
Copyright ©2001 Michael Cummings All Rights Reserved
=================================
Leah's Body Sugaring Recipe
Remove unwanted hair
http://www.for-romance.com/sugar
==================================
For the Billy Goat Gruff song visit
http://www.sterlingtimes.co.uk/bill_goats_gruff.htm
Note: This page is not owned by me

Linda

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Jun 2, 2001, 5:17:23 PM6/2/01

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Have another color in mind Mike?? <G>

Hugs, Linda
~~~~~~~~~~

"Billy Goat Gruff III" <Troll...@for-romance.com> wrote in message
news:3b194e74...@news.mfi.net...

Billy Goat Gruff III

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Jun 2, 2001, 6:12:07 PM6/2/01

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Leather always looks good. And it is easy to clean.

Mike

On Sat, 02 Jun 2001 21:17:23 GMT, "Linda" <sierra...@home.com>
wrote:

Linda

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Jun 2, 2001, 6:24:50 PM6/2/01

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HAHA!! But don't you stick to leather when it's hot??? Might be
uncomfortable. ;o)

Hugs, Linda
~~~~~~~~~~

"Billy Goat Gruff III" <Troll...@for-romance.com> wrote in message

news:3b1964a0...@news.mfi.net...

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Jun 2, 2001, 9:12:07 PM6/2/01

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>And I'd want it in a lovely pastel please.................. ;o)
>
>Hugs, Linda

Nooo...avocado with a very lively bidet!

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Jun 2, 2001, 11:11:54 PM6/2/01

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Carol, I have to ask - what's a lively bidet???

Hugs, Linda
~~~~~~~~~~

"Carol0980" <caro...@aol.com> wrote in message
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Billy Goat Gruff III

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Jun 2, 2001, 11:15:59 PM6/2/01

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Sparked an old memory or two?

Mike

On Sun, 03 Jun 2001 03:04:26 GMT, "Linda" <sierra...@home.com>
wrote:

>Heeheehee......I love this thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>Hugs, Linda
>~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
>"Billy Goat Gruff III" <Troll...@for-romance.com> wrote in message
>news:3b19a625...@news.mfi.net...
>> Wesson oil party.... ring a bell?.......... Sorry could not pass
>>
>> Mike

All opinions expressed are mine unless otherwise noted.

Maureen

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Jun 3, 2001, 12:15:52 AM6/3/01

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OH!!! It also calls for some Elvis music with that crushed velvet chair ;-)

Maureen
=================================

Linda <sierra...@home.com> wrote in message

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Carol0980

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Jun 3, 2001, 9:27:06 AM6/3/01

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>Carol, I have to ask - what's a lively bidet???
>
>Hugs, Linda

Well, do a search and you can find days of reading pleasure. They are wonderful
for people who enjoy, um, backdoor pleasures, or displeasures.

dklaw...@webtv.net

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Jun 3, 2001, 9:13:04 AM6/3/01

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NO Mike, you can rub the leather chair down with baby oil not
pam.....then you do not stick to it at all......BaBy OiL
---

Re: On Topic - Poopin Research

Group: alt.support.crohns-colitis Date: Sat, Jun 2, 2001, 11:03pm
(EDT+4) From: Troll...@for-romance.com (Billy Goat Gruff III)

Not if you spray it with Pam cooking spray...
Mike

------

dklaw...@webtv.net

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Jun 3, 2001, 9:15:41 AM6/3/01

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you guys are getting bad, or as they use to say in Long Island

You's guys are baaadd

Linda

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Jun 3, 2001, 3:01:26 PM6/3/01

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Oh yeah........................ ;o)

Hugs, Linda
~~~~~~~~~~

"Billy Goat Gruff III" <Troll...@for-romance.com> wrote in message

news:3b19abcc...@news.mfi.net...

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Jun 3, 2001, 8:43:15 PM6/3/01

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heeheehee............

Hugs, Linda
~~~~~~~~~~

"Sherry" <gri...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:hSxS6.2484$Ji.2...@bgtnsc04-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...

Boyd Annas

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Jun 3, 2001, 10:45:47 PM6/3/01

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Isn't Grey Poopin a mustard?
Boyd

--
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."
(Ellen Parr- author)

"Linda" <sierra...@home.com> wrote in message
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Jun 4, 2001, 7:53:01 PM6/4/01

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Sherry
I was wrong, sorry you are an AngEl......

denis
(Fingers crossed behind back)

---

Re: On Topic - Poopin Research

Group: alt.support.crohns-colitis Date: Mon, Jun 4, 2001, 1:59pm (EDT+4)
From: gri...@hotmail.com (Sherry)

Sherry

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Jun 5, 2001, 7:13:22 AM6/5/01

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:P

--
Take Care, : )
Sherry

<dklaw...@webtv.net> wrote in message
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