NEWS: Breeder-house chaos
Gutterboy
up, and it stifles the sprogs' self-expression. Or something.
I love this quote: "Naturally, today's parents turn their home over to the
kids; they've already turned over their life."
From the NY Times, 20 Mar 2003.
Honey, There's a Lego in My Martini
By JULIE V. IOVINE
BARBARA JONES remembers the living room of her childhood home as a serene place
where she was allowed to read quietly or play the piano.
Now, as an adult, her living room in Manhattan is a scene of unabashed chaos
— torn upholstery on an armchair, a pretend grocery store with shopping bags
in a corner. It may look like the work of marauders; in fact it is was wrought
by her 4-year-old twins and an 8-year-old.
Mary Davidson, who lives with her husband and two children, 8 and 10, in the
West Village, attributes her surrender to the superhero figurines that started
to take over when her first child turned 3. They soon lined every windowsill,
shelf and ledge, with an outpost of belligerent turtle warriors piled on the
dining room table. "When friends who knew us from before came over, I'd see it
all through their eyes," said Ms. Davidson, whose husband is an architect. "I
was horrified."
To families in their prime child-rearing years, all the design magazines waxing
on about fashion fabrics and the home stores showing off containers disguised
as style statements no longer register. Driven by a paralyzing combination of
permissive parenthood, two-career exhaustion and unrealistic standards
inflicted by a raised design consciousness, these parents vow that if something
has to give, let it be the décor.
Once, every home contained sanctums for cocktails and conversation. The
children were relegated to the far reaches, much as attic nurseries were set
apart in Victorian times.
Today those divisions have broken down along with other household regimens,
said Dr. William Sears, a pediatrician, who wrote "The Discipline Book"
(Little, Brown, 1995) with his wife, Martha. "Parents today are more savvy and
take a generally more relaxed approach than their own parents did," Dr. Sears
said.
Now more than ever kids need to feel home is a haven, said Nancy Samalin,
author of "Loving Without Spoiling" (Contemporary Books, 2003). "Their own
bedrooms should be a place where they feel safe and free to express
themselves," she said, "but I don't like the idea of them expressing themselves
throughout the whole house."
But today, more likely than not, that's the case. "Once, everything was kept to
a strict schedule," Dr. Sears said. "Today's parents are so busy they are not
going to get hung up on routines. They are a lot more flexible, and they have
to be."
Where once their activities were confined to the limited sphere of their own
bedrooms, children have become the true major-domos of the home. Annalee Rubin,
8, said that the only hard and fast rule in her home is to "watch out for
glass" and never to jump on the parental bed when Mom and Dad are looking.
Letting go may not be new; embracing the anarchy is. For Ms. Jones, however, it
was a struggle until she heard that Caroline Kennedy had a walk-in playhouse in
the middle of her living room. "It wasn't just me," Ms. Jones said. In
interviews with a dozen couples who say they have surrendered control of their
home interiors, most said that the flood of kiddie props spilling out of
closets, bedrooms and playrooms into once pristine spaces grew gradually, even
insidiously.
First came the enforced minimalism of the infant years when all surfaces were
stripped for safety. Next came the wooden train set and Legos, and their
potential for exponential growth. With the early school years came an onslaught
of artworks in need of display.
The cult of permissiveness that began when baby boomers gave birth and extended
their "it's all about me" philosophy to include their offspring is only partly
to blame. Today's parents come late to child rearing, and between awe and
exhaustion, the kids win out. Ralph Schoenstein, author of "Toilet Trained for
Yale" (Perseus Publishing, 2002), said, "Naturally, today's parents turn their
home over to the kids; they've already turned over their life."
<snip>
Sharing is one thing, abdication is another. Today no room is safe from the
sticky-fingered reach of children. The notion of the off-limits grown-up space
is something that psychologists advocate, but even Dr. Sears admits it is no
longer easy to create. "Parents have forgotten how to say no," he said. "In
general, today's society respects children more than in the past. But children
need to learn that adults live in the house too."
Playrooms are a suburban perk. But they're no longer relegated to the basement
rec rooms. With the kind of supervision today's parents feel obliged to supply,
the dining room, rarely in use anymore, has become a handy alternative.
Mary Henry and her husband, Howard Rubin, have taken it a step further. They
live with their three children, ages 6 to 10, in a five-bedroom apartment on
the Upper East Side with a formal dining room papered in an ornate chinoiserie
pattern. Five years ago, when the dining table was sent out for restoration,
Ms. Henry put down gym mats, some inflatable furniture and a mini trampoline.
Now every year, on the day after Christmas, the table and a large chandelier
are sent to storage and the dining room becomes a gym for 10 months. It was
meant to last only for the winter when the children were housebound, but now
the gym stays until Halloween. "My goal is to keep them out of the other
rooms," Ms. Henry said. (Meanwhile, the children have written stories in school
about the gym where they eat Christmas dinner.)
Allowing free run of the house is not only the last resort of overworked
parents, it is also modern parenthood in action, with its focus on intense
involvement. When it comes to those precious few family hours squeezed into
hectic schedules, parenting magazines emphasize quality over quantity. While
parents in the past put their children to bed before cocktail hour, today's
parents are far more likely to spend that time on the floor making rubber
alphabet letters dance. "They tell you to sit on the floor with your kid," said
Ms. Jones, no stranger to crawling on all fours. "But my sister told me, `Mom
never did that!' "
Artwork from school is a major contributor to the surrender syndrome. Even
parents who are themselves artists claim to be at a loss. Mark Mennin, a
sculptor who lives with his wife and two children, 5 and 8, in Bethlehem,
Conn., calls all the paper artwork that his kids have brought home over the
years "an environmental disaster." His solution: a 10-foot-wide, 5-foot-high
wall between the kitchen and eating area for rotating exhibitions.
"You start out your life as an artist thinking your home should look as
cutting-edge as your work," Mr. Mennin said, adding that now he feels more like
a gallery owner than an artist. "It's tricky business with two egos to deal
with, and no one wants to go in the back room."
School administrators and art teachers don't make it any easier. Elizabeth
Zawada, director of Greenwich House Pottery, a ceramic arts center in New York,
said her school goes through 2,000 pounds of clay a week. Children making
sculpture the size of grocery bags is not uncommon, she added. And it all goes
home.
What to do with the plenty? Ms. Zawada said: "Display it. Integrate it. Live
with it."
She added that parents should keep all their children's artwork "because, even
if they don't want it, it will always be a reminder of a connection to
something intrinsically creative." Many parents take those words very
seriously, along with the sentiments expressed by art teachers, who interpret
every red slash on a piece of scrap as a significant expression. The result is
an archive of precious materials, impossible to store (and even more impossible
to dispose of), that claims pride of place on mantels, bookshelves — and
every other available perch.
Arnold Zimmerman, an artist, who has been collecting his daughter's pottery for
six years, built four eight-foot shelves to keep it all on permanent display.
"Everything she does, I keep," said Mr. Zimmerman, who lives in a loft where
long shelves are possible. "Luckily she doesn't make that much now that she's
10."
Sooner or later, the day does come when the flood of artwork and toys slows to
a trickle. For Ms. Davidson, the day of reckoning came when she was surveying a
bookshelf sagging with pottery pieces and realized that she no longer knew
which of her two children had done what. That was it: she hired an organizer to
make sense of her home from the inside out. And she deposited shopping bags
full of dusty pottery on the street corner, in the dead of night, long after
bedtime.
Charles Rose, an architect in Somerville, Mass., has also found his way back to
adults-too rooms. For years, he didn't believe in "coddling the furniture" and,
along with his first wife, encouraged free expression of every kind. His two
children were allowed to draw on the walls as well as on the furniture. "They
trashed everything, and then we got a Corbu lounge in leather and they trashed
that, too," he said. But now, Mr. Rose is building a house of his own, with
furniture made by his children.
"I'm in a new place," said Mr. Rose, who has since remarried and has a
6-month-old. There is more structure in his new life. Rooms in the Rose house
are defined by activities. There's a quiet room, a reading room and an art
room. "It was a huge breakthrough and took years of analysis for me to be able
to limit food to the kitchen," Mr. Rose said. "It's a different experience of
space, a richer experience."
Of course, his children are getting older, and the 12-year-old is starting to
eye the car.
Gutterboy
---
""After a lot of soul-searching, I decided to put my family absolutely last."
-- Dame Edna Everage
Gregory Morrow
Gutterboy wrote:
> Why do breeders' houses look like wrecks? Apparently it's too haaaard to
clean
> up, and it stifles the sprogs' self-expression. Or something.
>
> I love this quote: "Naturally, today's parents turn their home over to the
> kids; they've already turned over their life."
>
> From the NY Times, 20 Mar 2003.
>
> Honey, There's a Lego in My Martini
> By JULIE V. IOVINE
[...]
> "I'm in a new place," said Mr. Rose, who has since remarried and has a
> 6-month-old. There is more structure in his new life. Rooms in the Rose
house
> are defined by activities. There's a quiet room, a reading room and an art
> room. "It was a huge breakthrough and took years of analysis for me to be
able
> to limit food to the kitchen," Mr. Rose said. "It's a different experience
of
> space, a richer experience."
I like the British term that defines the mindset of people such as these:
"chattering classes"
--
Best
Greg
DConnolly001
>From: gutte...@aol.commeilfaut (Gutterboy)
>Date: 3/20/2003 9:20 AM Eastern Standard Time
>Message-id: <20030320092056...@mb-me.aol.com>
>
>
>Charles Rose, an architect in Somerville, Mass., has also found his way back
>to
>adults-too rooms. For years, he didn't believe in "coddling the furniture"
>and,
>along with his first wife, encouraged free expression of every kind. His two
>children were allowed to draw on the walls as well as on the furniture. "They
>trashed everything, and then we got a Corbu lounge in leather and they
>trashed
>that, too," he said. But now, Mr. Rose is building a house of his own, with
>furniture made by his children.
>
>"I'm in a new place," said Mr. Rose, who has since remarried and has a
>6-month-old. There is more structure in his new life. Rooms in the Rose house
>are defined by activities. There's a quiet room, a reading room and an art
>room. "It was a huge breakthrough and took years of analysis for me to be
>able
>to limit food to the kitchen," Mr. Rose said. "It's a different experience of
>space, a richer experience."
>
Jesus, Mary and Glavin! Is he fucking KIDDING???? I can distinctly remember
when my sister and I were little and thought it was a good idea to "draw" on
our bedroom wallpaper with Hostess chocolate cupcakes. Sadly, my parents
didn't agree. We were punished. Our punishments were not physical, they were
more "no going out after school for a week" or "no TV for a week"---and believe
it not, they WORKED. We didn't do it again.
Where were these people raised????? In an effing barn?
DC
Veronique
> Why do breeders' houses look like wrecks? Apparently it's too haaaard to clean
> up, and it stifles the sprogs' self-expression. Or something.
>
> I love this quote: "Naturally, today's parents turn their home over to the
> kids; they've already turned over their life."
>
> From the NY Times, 20 Mar 2003.
>
> Honey, There's a Lego in My Martini
> By JULIE V. IOVINE
[...snip most of horrifying article that confirms every modern
stereotype about today's out-of-control "parenting"...]
> Now more than ever kids need to feel home is a haven, said Nancy Samalin,
> author of "Loving Without Spoiling" (Contemporary Books, 2003). "Their own
> bedrooms should be a place where they feel safe and free to express
> themselves," she said, "but I don't like the idea of them expressing themselves
> throughout the whole house."
>
> But today, more likely than not, that's the case. "Once, everything was kept to
> a strict schedule," Dr. Sears said. "Today's parents are so busy they are not
> going to get hung up on routines. They are a lot more flexible, and they have
> to be."
Flexible? Having your four year old tear up your couch? Flexible? I
don't see that parents of yesteryear decided that household vandalism
needed to be scheduled. Vandalism wasn't "routine". It wasn't
permitted, unless your parents were trash. This has nothing to do with
flexibility and everything to do with a large segment of people taking
no responsibility for actually RAISING their offspring.
Next thing you know, they'll be tearing up the sweet peas.
V.
--
Veronique Chez Sheep
Love will get you like a case of anthrax.
Scorpio Chick
pigs. I would go fucking insane. I hate clutter...and kindercrap is
clutter to the nth degree.My parents rule was that we could make all
the mess we wanted in our own rooms. The rest of the house was not for
our toys.
We have 5 cats, two full-time careers, and an active social life. We
also have a big house and a lot of guests. Our place, even after the
annual Xmas family dinner (when I consider it to be in a state of
chaos) does not even REMOTELY resemble the above description. Nor does
it smell of cat at all (I am obsessive about cleaning the boxes).
Two years ago, DH's friends came to visit with their 2 y.o. (who was
restrained the whole time). They commented endlessly on how "tidy" and
"clean" the house was. I understood the last time I went to their
place. yuk. Crumbs all over the living room, toys everywhere,
fingerprints all over the tv and computer, and that vile smell of kyd
- a mixture of diapers and spoiled milk. Junk to the max. What a
depressing life breeders lead...
- ScorpioChick
Joann Evans
[snip]
> Flexible? Having your four year old tear up your couch? Flexible? I
> don't see that parents of yesteryear decided that household vandalism
> needed to be scheduled. Vandalism wasn't "routine". It wasn't
> permitted, unless your parents were trash. This has nothing to do with
> flexibility and everything to do with a large segment of people taking
> no responsibility for actually RAISING their offspring.
>
> Next thing you know, they'll be tearing up the sweet peas.
>
> V.
> --
> Veronique Chez Sheep
> Love will get you like a case of anthrax.
And their respect for *other* people's homes and property must be
interesting, considering these examples. I doubt they get invited over
much....
Caelan
This doesn't surprise me at all. I don't know if anyone remembers, but
back in the fall of 2002, I was looking for a house. I posted some
photos of a breeder house I was considering. The place was literally
strewn with kinder-crap and junk. These were the pictures of the house
the breeder sellers put on the realtors site to attarct interest the
house. LOL
Caelan.
Circe
> restoration, Ms. Henry put down gym mats, some inflatable
> furniture and a mini trampoline.
I hope these idiots live on the ground floor
--
Circe
I used to be disgusted. Now I try to be amused.
Damiana Brichardi
>> don't see that parents of yesteryear decided that household vandalism
>> needed to be scheduled. Vandalism wasn't "routine". It wasn't
>> permitted, unless your parents were trash. This has nothing to do with
>> flexibility and everything to do with a large segment of people taking
>> no responsibility for actually RAISING their offspring.
>>
>> Next thing you know, they'll be tearing up the sweet peas.
>>
Parenting has just gone to hell in a handbasket hasn't it.
Torn up furnature? A gym where the X-mas dinner table should be?
Is there no end to this madness!
*~* Damiana Brichardi *~*
So I started off from god knows where, guess I'll know when I get there
~Tom Petty
Sassy Rebel Pat
>From the NY Times, 20 Mar 2003.
> "It was a huge breakthrough and took years of analysis for me to be able
>to limit food to the kitchen," Mr. Rose said. "It's a different experience of
>space, a richer experience."
Years of analysis? Ye gods and little fishes. My parents must have
been terribly abusive to not let me drag food and drink all over the
house. And restricting my toys to my room and my area in the back
yard except for maybe one or two if I was playing elsewhere.
Veronique
> > Five years ago, when the dining table was sent out for
> > restoration, Ms. Henry put down gym mats, some inflatable
> > furniture and a mini trampoline.
>
> I hope these idiots live on the ground floor
Are you kidding? I hope the trampoline is by the third story window.