Just about done
Dragon's Girl
On September 9th he has a DNA test scheduled with a young man that I believe
is his father. It would be fortunate for us if he is. Possibly less
fortunate for my grandson as the supposed father has many mental illnesses
and when very young required brain surgery.
DFS is paying for our adoption expenses, eventhough they had previously said
that they would not.
I'm sorry to say that our savings are practically gone. The initial cost of
hiring an attorney to get him out of foster care, the impact of suddenly
having to prepare for a baby in the house (normally you have 9 months to get
ready, we had less than 9 days), the cost of formula for 9 months at almost
$400 per month, etc etc, has really done a number on us. We have very
little left.
It's a great relief to know that DFS will be footing the bill for the
adoption expenses, and we will not be required to do a home study as we went
through the family reunification program, which is much more intense.
It's been very enlightening, reading in this NG. Many times it has been
said 'Do something'. And I would like to be a 'do something' person, but I
just don't know how.
I believe that my grandson and I have paved the way for other families in
Missouri. Ours was the first in the state to be ruled upon using the
statutes of the Dominic James Memorial Foster Care Act.
The particular statute says that 'relatives shall be given priority in
placement if they are fit and willing', that is a loose quote because I
can't remember the EXACT wording, but it comes out the same.
The ruling, and the law, were so new last year that when DFS was required to
return my grandson to me, they did not even posses paperwork that would
ALLOW them to return him to me, and I waited three days for his return while
they tried to figure it out.
This particular ruling was contrary to DFS policies and procedures.
DFS policy states that they cannot place a child in the care of a person who
has a CA/N record...as I do.
They had removed my grandson from my care based on that, only to have to
return him three weeks later because the new statute conflicts with DFS
policy.
Seems as though policies are going to have to change along with the new
laws.
When judge Holden asked DFS worker ****** if my CAN/Criminal Record was the
only reason that DFS refused me placement of my grandson, her reply was
'Yes, as far as I know.'. The judge then told her that it was no excuse to
remove a child from his home and family and that the new law said 'shall',
which means WILL, and that whether or not my CA/N makes me 'fit' was not at
the discretion of DFS.
He decided that because the state considered the charge minor enough to
offer to take it off my record after two years of probation told him that it
was not a major incident.
And indeed, it was not.
Greg might want to make people believe that I did some heinous act of child
abuse, when in fact, my son, then two weeks from legal maturity and living
in the home of my sister, was drunk and came at me as if to assault me
because I said something to the effect that I did not agree with the
practices of the Wiccan religion (of which he claimed to be). When he came
at me I hit him first.
Prior to this time, my son had threatened to hit me in the past, both to my
face and behind my back. He was much taller than me then, and now, and
though he did not outweigh me, he was much more muscular than me, therefor
stronger, and intoxicated.
I've bartended enough to know to take the threat of a drunk seriously, and
felt that I was defending my person.
However, I pled guilty to the charge after $3000 in expenses for the case,
and I felt I could afford no more.
An investigation was underway by DFS, however, I did not know that there
was, as no one contacted me to speak with me about the incident, and I was
founded.
I did not find this out until last year (about a year and a half after the
'founded' determination) and it was far too late for me to ask for a hearing
on the issue to reverse the determination.
I feel that if I had had the opportunity to state my case in a hearing, the
charge would be reversed.
The worker who did the investigation took the word of a 16 year old boy who
was 'out to get' his mom for refusing to let him have drugs in her house,
sleep with girls in her house, and take crap from him. The 'witness' was my
sister, alcoholic, who has had eight children taken from her by DFS in the
state of Illinois for being unfit. Her arrest record is as long as I am
tall, and unfortunately she has been jealous of me all her life...believing
that our father loves me more because he carried, and still does to this
day, my baby picture in his wallet.
My sister also receives Social Security for mental disability.
My life, and the life of my grandson, almost ruined by two people bent on
revenge.
Thank God for the new laws in Missouri, or my grandson would be in foster
care still, and we would have missed all those precious moments of his first
year.
My computer holds nearly 800 pictures and video from the last 10
months...since we have had him back from DFS.
We deny him nothing. Anything that we think he might need or want goes in
the shopping cart. We spend a great deal of time with him. He, according
to his doctor and PAT worker, is progressing wonderfully.
I will likely never see either one of my grandaughters again. And I am sure
that the child my daughter now carries will end up in the care of the state
immediately after birth.
That makes my grandson all that much more precious to me.
He's a good baby. Handsome and smart, and has a wonderful temper. He did
not deserve what my daughter did to him...no child deserves to be abandoned
by the people who are supposed to love them. kane can tell you that his
personality literally jumps out of the photographs of him.
I'm glad that he is oblivious to the controversy going on around him all
these last few months.
Hopefully our boy will be adopted by the end of the year. That would be a
great Christmas Present for us!
I hope that other families are going to have a good year as well...and that
DFS does change it's policies to allow more families to raise thier kin,
just as it used to be before DFS.
Children need to know where they come from. They need to grow up without
the longing for something they are missing but can't quite put their finger
on. The unknown.
I know how that feels. I did not meet my own biological father until I was
14 years old. I always wondered what he looked like, how he talked, what
his personality was like, what his other children were like, what his
extended family was like. It was a big gaping hole that seemed to never get
filled...even after I knew him because I simply was not one of his kids
anymore. Maybe in body, but not in spirit, and not in mind. No matter how
many times I had romanticized about my 'daddy' when I was younger, the white
knight never appeared. The grass was not greener on the other side, and I
came to realize that the family who had raised me, my mother's, was my
family. They made me who I am, shaped and molded and instilled values...and
I would never be a 'Smith' (substitute for my father's last name). I would
always be a 'Jones' (substitute from my mothers maiden name).
He was just a regular guy, with a ho hum life, and a ho hum job, and a ho
hum family. And no matter what my sister may think...he has never loved me
even half as much as he has loved the children of his wife...my sister
included.
I never wanted for my children to feel that way, nor for my grandchildren to
feel that way.
Though I may not agree with the woman who adopted my grandaughter about
everything, I continue to send her information about our family...including
pictures of my grandson so that my grandaughter will at least be able to
look at photos and know what we all look like. (my grandson is her brother)
And hopefully AMOM is giving her the family history that goes along with us.
My family, my mother's family, is a great family...one that, when reading
about them in history books, my granddaughter can be proud of.
Our ancestors came to America, and were true pioneers. The first of our
family to come to this country lost his life at the hands of Indians, as did
one of his sons. His descendants fought in the revolutionary war, the war
of 1812, and more. There is a rich history with my family that I hope that
my grandchildren will some day appreciate. My grandfather 9 times back was
one Robert Looney of Ballagilly Isle Of Man. Look him up some time...I am
fiercely proud of this family...and my grandparents and mother as well.
I felt that with my grandson in foster care, he would grow up feeling just
like I did...part of one family, but knowing that you should be part of
another and missing that.
I believe that my husband is a generous, wonderful man for helping me with
my grandson and claiming him as his own child. Not many men would do that,
and my husband deserves a great deal of respect for that.
As far as this NG goes, I have learned alot here.
I was somewhat oblivious to the injustices that some families have endured
at the hands of DFS. I realized that my case is not so unique, and that DFS
is by far the most notorious government agency in existence.
I would rather see the IRS coming my way, because all they can take from you
is posessions. DFS has the power to take everything that you live for.
I still believe that the agency is the bad guy. Not the people who work
within the agency.
I have met and talked with many workers over the last year, and and those
who no longer work for DFS. They are nice people...ordinary, just like me.
They have goals in their own lives, and have famillies and fears just like
everyone else. They even have hopes for DFS reform.
Many have expressed dissatisfaction with the policies of their employer.
One worker, upon taking my grandson from me last year, was so close to tears
that I thought she was literally going to break down right then and there.
I think she was more upset than I was, though she tried very hard to hide
it.
She attended a week later when I had my first visit with him, and she didn't
want me to have to let him go any more than I wanted to let him go.
She is no longer on the case, and yet she still comes to the hearings just
to see what happens and to see my grandson.
She once stood down the hall at the DFS office, after removing my grandson,
and sent another worker to ask if she could come and talk to me. I said
tell her I'm not mad at her, she has a job to do, and did what she had
to...I don't blame her for that, and I did what I had to do and hope that
she doesn't blame me for that. Tell her that it's ok, she can come over.
When she was told she was relieved.
They aren't all catty hateful bitches as one assumes after reading so much
hate that comes from SOME cases.
I understand the position of the worker, and the agency. That does not
nullify the pain of the families wrongfully accused, or who seek DFS help
and end up in a mess, or who simply make a mistake and pay for it dearly
with the loss of their children.
I feel for these people.
As I was reading Mark's tale several months ago, I had an urge to reach out
and pat him on the back and tell him how sorry I was that he and his family
had suffered so much.
I appreciate that he shared his story with us, and know that his ordeal was
very painful and that is so hard to express. He did a wonderful job of it.
Dan, I know that you do a great deal for families who seek help.
Your advice is sound. Reasonable.
Though some would call it 'bend over and take it tactics', I call it cool
and collected use of resources to get your children back home where they
belong.
As you know, a family friend and her husband were going to adopt my grandson
after birth. It's a long story as to how he ended up in foster care after
his birth, but to get down to the nitty gritty of things, I contacted
Leonard Henderson for advice on how to get him out of foster care and into
the home we had chosen for him.
My family friend did exactly as I was advised by Leonard and Bro Cletus.
Within three weeks DFS denied them as potential adopters.
Those methods don't work.
And very few, if any, have success with it. Just read on the web sites of
organizations that promote fighting tooth and nail even when there is no
basis for the fight...you will see the sad truth...those families are
heartbroken and continue to be because they never win. Their kids never
come home.
I realized that in short order...and took it upon myself to go a different
route. Besides, I don't like publicity and making a stink about every
little thing. If I'm going to nail someone it will be BIG and worth the
effort.
I waited for a bit after coming to this NG, to see where the best, and most
stable advice would come from.
And then I wrote a personal letter to Kane.
He wrote me back advising me to do all of the things that I was already
doing. Great, I thought, I might be on the right track.
'Above all' Kane said 'keep a cool head'.
That was the BEST advice. I thought about that every time I wanted to yell,
hit someone, and just generally lose it.
I kept my head cool, and I am close to the end of my grandson's case.
Kane has advised me throughout the last 10 months. Not only has he advised
me, but he has listened when I wanted to rant, gave me opinion about other
relevant issues, and has been a 'part' of my case almost since I came to
this NG.
If it weren't for Kane, I think I might have given up out of sheer
frustration.
I know nothing about him.
I don't know his name, I don't know where he lives (North West...could mean
just about anything), I don't know where his income comes from, don't know
his spouses name, don't know anything more than anyone else here does, and I
never asked. It was not relevant. If his goal in this NG was to
help...then why did I need to know anyting about him other than he truely
did help.
I've never been an especially private person. I've made mistakes, learned
from them, left them behind me and tried to the best of my ability to do
better.
I fear very little. It is for that reason that I shared with Kane my real
name, where I live, other personal information, and photos of my family
throughout the last 10 months.
Never, not once, did Kane ever tell anyone that he wrote to me privately and
advised me, never did he divulge any personal information on me on tis NG.
Never.
There are others here who aren't quite so...trustworthy.
I'm fortunate in that I know who I can depend on for my needs.
I know that Kane is an excellent source for information and a shoulder to
cry on. Kane wants reform of the system, but like me, he does not want to
see it done away with completely because there are children out there in
need. Their very lives depend on it. A relatively small numbe in
comparison to the total population? Yes. But when you can't count the
children in the greatest and riches country in the world who have died in
one year due to abuse and neglect by those entrusted to care for them on
both hands and feet, that's too damn many.
Because Dan tells us where he lives and how to reach him by telephone, and
gives us his real name, leads me to believe that he can be an excellent
source for families in need as well. he obviously has little to nothing
that he feels he needs to hide.
Though I have not personally had contact with Dan, I read what he says in
this Ng as though it were gospel...he preaches the same methods that got my
grandson home, and kept him home.
I would look to Doug and some of his viewpoints for information as well. He
has a grasp of the system...one that very few people have. He is
knowledgeable.
The rest run the pissing contests.
My advice to anyone newly arriving in this NG is to look at the past
postings of those here...Do you want to take advice from Bob after you read
that he thinks it's a boy's fantasy come true to boink his teacher? And
that teachers should not be punished? Do you really want the advice of a
man who does not think that sex among children who are no more mentally or
emotionally prepared for it is ok?
And how about Greg? A man who felt it necessary to force a woman he was
married to to take pills..instead of just walking away from a relationship
that he was not happy in...do you want his advice? Do you want the advice
of a man who would not realize that a mother and her daughter remain
separated because of his presence, and yet will not leave?
Ron says little, but when he writes, it's worth your time to read it. He
has some unique outlooks...and they can be like pearls of wisdom. And he
can be a wiseass...which I adore in a person.
And again...the advice of the 'CPS is evil' groups...do you want the advice
of advocates who, just by reading the horror stories on their web sites, you
know have a bad track record? Do you want to take a chance on YOUR family
being like the Christines, the Crydermans, and many many more?
I believe that every single man here (and I'm the only woman it appears) has
the same goal. To see families STAY together...and once apart, get BACK
together.
Some think that reform is the answer, some think that closure of DFS is the
answer, some, like me, think that personal responsibility by parents and
other caregivers is key. And still others believe in a combination.
No matter what the mode, we all want kids home.
It's that simple.
I have to say, before I close this note, that I have snickered every time I
read the 'Kane is against families fostering kin' spiel. Nothing could be
further from the truth.
I'm kin, and he has rallied for me since the beginning.
He has said many many times that my grandson deserves to be with his family.
He does not agree with unfit relatives, hooked on meth, alcoholics, abusive,
neglectful, having children without some kind of change for the best
interests of the child.
Let's face facts here for a second.
FEW people addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc are going to change thier
lifestyles without a little prodding from somewhere...for if they would,
they would realize the need and make those changes BEFORE DFS intervention
was ever a necessity.
Kane realizes, as I do, as Sherman did, that families in the middle of
addictions are in real crisis.
I've known children to be unkempt, unfed, abused, neglected, and even die
from the acts of their drug addicted and alcohol addicted parents.
It's real!
And we know it.
Though my lifestyle now is quite a bit on the ordinary side, there was a
time in my life where I was in the midst of a whole CITY full of drug
addicts and alcoholics.
The things that I have seen made me hair stand on end...and made me give up
my addictions so that I would not raise my children in the same kind of
environment.
Some here just don't realize the severity.
A friend, Debby, high on meth for days..comes down, crashes in bed, in a few
hours her twin sons are dead in a fire.
A friend, Margie, quite a sweet woman with an adorable little girl, HIV
positive...no, Margie was not a drug abuser...her boyfriend was, and passed
the virus to her and several other women in the area.
An acquiantance, Cheryl, hooked on meth and crack. She became pregnant by
my ex husband, also crack addicted. The child was born with his abdomen
outside his stomach and he required extensive surgeries. Cheryls only other
child in her care, Mark, was found in a hotel room with a group of adults
smoking crack, filty, lice infested, and seriously hungry...taken into state
custody thankfully.
Bertha, addicted to oxys, valium, and other sedatives or painkillers. Lives
with her SO of 25 years...he provides for her 'needs', and she stays, though
he has hacked at her with a machete in the presence of her children, beaten
her in the presence of her children, etc. Bertha was in the book 'Who's who
among American High School Students' not once, but TWICE. And she wasted
her life.
Connie, once a wonderful and caring person whom I was proud to share my life
with...my best friend of 10 years...addicted to Oxycontin...she robbed me
blind...taking over $3300 at a time when I could have used that money to
benefit my grandson. Connie has ruined the trust in her marriage, the
respect of her family and has lost all of her friends, including me. All
for a pill.
Some here think that these are a 'handful' of incident and that I should not
use them to justify my beliefs...but the truth is, they are not a 'handful'
in MY reality...they are real people who impacted my life a great deal in
one way or another...unfortunately, the list above IS a 'handful' of those I
know with similar problems...there are many many more.
Our world is falling apart. No one belives in responsibility. No one
believes that they should take the life given to them, their child, and
treat it well. Children are nothing more than a nuisance to many many
parents.
They serve as punching bags, as little 'be seen and not heard' people who
are left in the cold, who don't have love, and comfort, and sometimes, even
the basic necessities of life.
We've seen so much of that in this NG. I find it horrifying. I do not know
how a woman can stand by and let a man beat her child to death.
I do not know how anyone could possibly 'forget' to feed thier baby.
I just don't understand any of it.
The one thing that I do understand is that someone has to watch out for the
kids that are forgotten, abused, neglected.
Famillies don't do it, neighbors don't do it. Who, if not DFS, will?
We owe it to the children, who are our future, to keep them safe and warm
and loved.
Am I saying that DFS should be let loose to do as they please? No, they
should be governed by laws that are enacted by the efforts of the citizens
in which DFS serves.
DFS is not the enemy. They make mistakes, as an agency. People get hurt.
But many more are helped.
I regret that we have had to go through the last year with my grandson as we
have. I so do not want to tell him that his mother abandoned him, I so do
not want to have to tell him that he was in three foster homes. I so do not
want to tell him that he is not my son, because in my heart he is...and
everything that we have gone through in the last year, though some uncalled
for, some painful, some very hard on us, were necessary to ensure that
another child is not the victim of abuse or neglect.
We sacraficed a year of our lives and in doing so made things better for
other famlies that might be able to use our case as reference to gain
custody of their own kin. We have been through the ringer because an agency
wanted to be certain that our grandson was not going to be a statistic.
I'm happy with that.
I look forward to true reform that would benefit families nationwide.
In the mean time, though I may not have always liked what DFS did in our
case, I think they acted appropriately, and with the best interests of my
grandson in mind.
And on that note, I would like to say Thanks to Kane. Dan, Ron, Doug, I
have enjoyed 'reading' you. Greg, think. Bob...your priorities are fucked
up. You need an overhaul about as badly as DFS does.
And that is all I have to say.
I might be on from time to time and say a few things...but for the most
part, I have little to no reason to be here anymore.
I wish you all well.
Betty
Doug
Thank you for the heart-felt post. You had a lot to say and you said it
very well.
Please take good care of yourself. I wish you and your family the very
best.
It will not be the same around here without you. We will miss you. But I
think we have all become better people because of you.
Goodbye.
Doug
Dan Sullivan
"Dragon's Girl" <drago...@sbcglobal.net> wrote in message
news:j84Pe.1382$eQ....@newssvr30.news.prodigy.com...
<<<snip>>>
> Dan, I know that you do a great deal for families who seek help.
>
> Your advice is sound. Reasonable.
>
> Though some would call it 'bend over and take it tactics', I call it cool
> and collected use of resources to get your children back home where they
> belong.
>
> As you know, a family friend and her husband were going to adopt my
grandson
> after birth. It's a long story as to how he ended up in foster care after
> his birth, but to get down to the nitty gritty of things, I contacted
> Leonard Henderson for advice on how to get him out of foster care and into
> the home we had chosen for him.
>
> My family friend did exactly as I was advised by Leonard and Bro Cletus.
>
> Within three weeks DFS denied them as potential adopters.
>
> Those methods don't work.
>
> And very few, if any, have success with it. Just read on the web sites of
> organizations that promote fighting tooth and nail even when there is no
> basis for the fight...you will see the sad truth...those families are
> heartbroken and continue to be because they never win. Their kids never
> come home.
<<<snip>>>
> Though I have not personally had contact with Dan, I read what he says in
> this Ng as though it were gospel...he preaches the same methods that got
my
> grandson home, and kept him home.
<<<snip>>>
> I might be on from time to time and say a few things...but for the most
> part, I have little to no reason to be here anymore.
>
> I wish you all well.
>
> Betty
All the best for your family and thanks for the kind words.
You'll be in my prayers.
Dan
