THINGS TO LOOK FOR IN THE NEW DECADE

[HEARSE_OF_A_DIFFERENT_FIRE_DEPATMENT]

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These predictions will appear in the order in which they will occur,
just like Nostradamus.
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10 -- Rush Limbaugh has a heart attack while on vacation in Hawaii.
There are fears that he had become brain dead and a Bumbling Idiot
until neurologists reveal that tests show "The Great One" has been
a Bumbling Idiot for years. (The timing of this tragic event is a bit
cloudy,
however It could happen early in 2010 but possibly in the waning days
of 2009)
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9 -- The late Mother Teresa, accompanied by the late George Carlin,
appear to Father Guido Sarducci and scare the living shit out of him.
He almost swallows his cigarette.
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8 -- Federal agents finally discover where Bernard Madoff has been
hiding $21.5 billion all these years. Amazingly, nobody ever asked
him to remove his socks.
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7 -- Keith Olbermann gets into a pissing match with Glenn Beck.
Olbermann wins because his urine goes approximately two feet farther.
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6 -- Dick Cheney accidentally swallows Truth Serum and starts
rattling
off horrid details of the 911 government conspiracy. It's a two-for-
one day
when Tiger Woods admits being the father of 375 children.
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5 -- Extraterrestrials make their first official contact with the
people of earth.
However, within 45 minutes, they head back to their distant galaxy,
moaning
that their trip was a complete waste of time.
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4 -- George W. Bush pronouncement of "Mission Accomplished"
celebrates the 6,000th day since he said it (It has now extended
for 16 years and we're still counting).
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3 -- Evolutionists and atheists finally admit the theory of man's
evolution is a myth and replace all statues of Charles Darwin with
those of Ed Conrad. All old science textbooks are burned and
new factual ones printed.
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2 -- Medical experts unveil a cure for all cancers, admitting they
have had it since 1953 but couldn't reveal it sooner because of the
wonderful cash flow.
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1 -- Ed Conrad kicks the bucket. Thousands pee on his grave
after the services. Richard Dawkins, who had traveled all the way
from England, waits until the sun goes down so he can take (leave?)
a healthy crap. Miraculously, tiger lillys grow overnight on the exact
spot of his defacation and blossom the next day. Pope Benedict XIV
praises God and declares it a freakin' miracle. He urges everyone
to pray to Saint Ed.
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