Google Groups no longer supports new Usenet posts or subscriptions. Historical content remains viewable.
Dismiss
My Self-Being, My Autism - An Abbreviated History
15 views
Skip to first unread message
Autindividual
Apr 28, 2012, 5:14:34 PM4/28/12
to
My Self-Being, My Autism - An Abbreviated History
In view of how often my profound convictions are made
manifest through my postings over various issues here, and
elsewhere in other ways of course, I thought it only proper
to offer some insight into the basis for such positions and
thus endeavor to clarify the proverbial so-called 'method to
the madness' as it were.
As of next month, I'll be celebrating 56 years of survival
and struggle in a strange and hostile alien world in which I
have for the most part never really fit or ever learned to
truly feel at home.
I entered this mode/plane of existence in May of 1956, in
the Chicago, Illinois southside neighborhood of Englewood. I
have very vivid memory recollection of the process, and of
the immense trauma of the event, which was so intense I was
essentially paralyzed by it, unable to do anything except
take it all in. I was literally being relentlessly bombarded
by intense stiumli of every kind from all directions and
while I really can't ascribe that to being horrific (that
would come a little later), it was to say the very least, as
amazingly awesome as it was very strange.
I was premature, weighing only 4.5 lb, which resulted in my
being placed in the neonatal intensive care unit in a small
life support chamber more commonly referred to as an
incubator. Although the stimuli bombardment continued, it
was considerably less than it was in the busy, noisy,
brightly-lit delivery room where I had entered this world,
and it was less still after being placed in the incubator
when the clear semi-dome-like cover was put in place. I was
finally able to at least begin to collect my thoughts in an
effort to figure out what made no sense at all and for which
I had no basis for any points of reference regarding it, and
what it had to do with me, or I with it.
As I lay in the incubator on my back, contemplating the most
recent traumatic events, the less brightly-lit and now
relatively quiet environment of my little capsule made
thinking much easier, and as a result, it began to occur to
me that the situation in which I found myself was not
particularly pleasant, with the result being, for the first
time in my life, my experiencing genuine Fear - this time
with an actual basis, I was locked in a capsule, alone, it
was relatively dark and relatively quiet - what was next? In
other words, fear of the unknown, which only continued to
intensify the more I thought about it.
Then suddenly, instantly, my environment changed completely,
almost like changing pictures in a slide projector. I found
myself being carried outside. The sounds were different
although still plenty intense, and yet I found I was not as
fearful as before - I was leaving the environment in which
the fear had started and with the level of sensory stimuli
bombardment now below my trauma threshold, things were
actually becoming interesting, even an adventure of
sorts...but Why was I in the incubator one second, and
another second later, outside being apparently taken 'home'
by car? What about the time between those events? What
happened? I would later learn why when my parents explained
it to me a few years later.
Having entered this world when I did qualified me as a "Baby
Boomer", so-named for the rash of OverBreeding which
spearheaded the current Catastrophe of Overpopulation which
now Threatens the Quality of life like never before, and it
always seems that whenever such Irresponsible behavor on so
enormous a scale becomes so rampant, there are almost always
immediate ramifications in addition to the long range ones.
One of them was that there was a lot of incubator use for
all the 'preemies', like me - and incubators, being only
mechanical devices, when used heavily, can and do develop
various malfunctions. For example, in the case of another
preemie, Steveland Hardaway Morris, better known as Stevie
Wonder, he was also placed in an incubator. He also had the
medical condition of premature retinopathy, in which
incomplete blood vessel fomation supplying the eyes poses
the threat of retinal detatchment. As 'fate' would have it,
his incubaor's oxygen system malfunctioned, causing
excessive oxygen to be supplied, which greatly exacerbated
the condition, causing complete detatchment of the retinas
of both eyes, resulting in his total blindness.
In my own case the exact opposite happened - my incubator's
oxygen system failed completely so I received no oxygen at
all. I had been breathing my own carbon dioxide for quite
some time when a nurse making her rounds happened to notice
me for my appearance - I had turned a noticeably
bluish-green color and had become unconscious. My parents
were then given the news - that I had suffered severe
hypoxia to such an extent that I was not expected to survive
the experience. But there really is a God, and He really
does bestow Miracles, because despite my apparently
impending and inevitable death by hypoxia, my parents were
given an update - I wasn't going to die after all, but I
would end up as essentially a vegetable for the rest of my
existence due to the extent and severity of the damage to my
nervous system due to the oxygen starvation. But there was
yet another Miracle, and my parents were once more given yet
another update - I wouldn't die, and I wouldn't be a
vegetable after all, but I would be severely mentally
retarded, something my brother likes to tell me definitely
happened ;)
And so that explained the slide-show-like apparently (for
me) sudden change in my environment. But now the horrors
were only beginning, as though they had not already begun
the instant I entered this alien world. I was given all
kinds of attention - all the Wrong kinds, what I didn't want
or need. It seemed everyone was trying to change me. I had
also been born with a few physical and physiological defects
to boot and with the prevailing ideas of the time regarding
the raising of children, I was used as the unwilling subject
of several experiments which took full advantage of my
disadvantages with the idea that I could somehow be
'changed' into someone other than myself...according to the,
in this case flawed logic as applied to the notion of
'striking while the iron is still hot'. But it didn't work -
I made every effort possible to guarantee that, although to
say the experience was painful would be a gross
understatement.
I was constantly, relentlessly, Naggingly put upon i.e.
coerced, to Conform, to be like others, to 'act like this',
'dress like this', 'talk like this', 'walk like this', 'look
like this' etc., etc., ad infinitum, ad nauseam, and of
course, forever being told to "look people in the eye"
particularly when talking to them - something I've never
been inclined to do my entire life. And that was only the
beginning. Even my family seemed alien to me because I was
indeed profoundly different. I viewed the world from what to
them was an unknown, and therefore somehow 'invalid'
perspective which resulted in it being said that I lived in
'my own world'...a notion which persists to this very day -
outside of my family as well.
Although I was considered to be a 'special-needs' child - I
was nonetheless Denied the most Critically Important and
most Special Need of them all, THE NEED TO SIMPLY BE WHO I
WAS, AM, AND WILL ALWAYS BE - MYSELF! But if I was ever to
achieve that, I'd have to fight Hard for it, with everything
I could muster, and I have, my whole life. It's why I'm such
a rebel, 'refusenick', and vehement Non-Conformist...It cost
me much more than plenty in just about every way, but it
was, and still is worth it, and Thank GOD, I Earned it!
DAMNED IF I'LL EVER SIT STILL FOR ANYONE TO EVEN SO MUCH AS
TRY TO TAKE IT AWAY...NOT THIS GIRL - NOT YOURS TRULY!!!
I had dreaded, and with good cause, the very idea of being
Forced to go to school to start the 1st grade. By this time
I was very well experienced at the scientific method of
routinely relationally articulating observation, analysis,
and prognosis - and the very idea of being cooped up with
strangers, and alien ones at that, horrified me thoroughly,
often beyond even my imagination. My horrific prognosis was
not to be disappointed in the least, although the intensity
of the reality of the situation, once it materialized, much
more than justified my initial horror at the prospect. And
it was horrible...all the Unacceptance, Intolerance, and
even blatant Hostility directed against me for not 'fitting
in' was more than I could bear. I was bullied constantly,
which meant that I had to invent some way of at least
mitigating it as quickly as possible if I was to survive
this latest challenge, Intrinsically Unnecessary as it was.
Most of the other girls at very least shunned me - most but
not all. I seized upon the fact that those who did not
respond so negatively to me might not be averse to at least
some semblance of friendship, even though it was by that
time well know that I was basically a 'loner'. So I
carefully and methodically approached them - and with some
degree of success. I even did the same with some of the boys
- I was seeking an alliance of sorts, and it did help in at
least reducing the torment from its previous level. I didn't
stop there - the teachers were next. I made it a point to
get on their 'good side'. Being a 'natural-born scientist',
in order to survive - in this case, necessity really was the
mother of invention, I made my scientific interests known to
them and soon I had some real authority figures, which
teachers used to actually be back then in 1962, on my side
and looking out for me, which reduced the bullying
dramatically. And I was always studying every chance I got,
so at least now, the bullying was reduced to namecalling -
like 'bookworm' or 'brainiac', which I could cope with.
By the 2nd grade, however, things really took a nosedive
when my teacher, a particularly nasty person, by the name of
Miss Madden (most appropriate name) was either in her
'ragged-out' time of the month, and/or - being a Public
Parasite, was outraged that some kid in her class, namely
me, was daring to *impose* upon her to actually *earn* her
pay by doing her job of teaching.
Since I really am 'wired' differently, or as Aquarian Monkey
<Aquaria...@gmail.com> so eloquently put it:
"Wonderfully Wired", I don't learn the way most others do -
like everthing else, I have my own unique way of receiving
and processing stimuli - which nowadays would probably get
me labeled as 'learning disabled', 'Educable Mentally
Handicapped', or the like, to be followed by 'therapy'
including the Forced drugging into becoming a veritable
Zombie. As a result, I must formulate my own 'workarounds'
in order to more effectively 'interface' with the Alien
communications out of which I'm trying to make sense, yet
another challenge - Literally the story of my life...which
means that I inevitability always had my hand up...always
asking questions, the Only way I know of to get answers from
people in an academic environment.
But my noble cause was no longer well received once this
teacher decided that I had raised my hand one time too many
- she exploded right in my 7 year-old face, venting her spew
like so much Mentos mixed with soda - all over yours truly.
Her vicious tirade included such 'compliments' as; 'You just
can't learn!', 'You're too stupid for the 2nd grade!', 'I
give up trying to teach you!', 'You'll NEVER learn!', etc. -
and then on top of all that came the real kicker which
spiritually stomped me into the ground. She loudly and
angrily exclaimed for all the class to clearly hear; "YOU'RE
A VEGETABLE! - NOTHING BUT A VEGETABLE! - GET OUT OF MY
CLASS! - GO TO MISS ROBINSON'S CLASS ACROSS THE HALL AND ASK
HER WHAT SHE CAN DO WITH A VEGETABLE! - GO ON...GET OUT OF
HERE!
I was far beyond totally devastated...I had just been
publically ridiculed, insulted, and thoroughly humiliated
before the entire class - and I had just had my nose
thoroughly rubbed right back into the prognosis made shortly
after my birth - that I'd end up a vegetable. The pain was
overwhelming. If I didn't bring every last bit of
self-control I had to bear, I could have easily more than
matched my teacher's spew from her mouth with one of my own
- from my eyes, and probably have cried myself to death in
the process - but my GOD, and my constant Rebel nature was
right there, helping to prevent that and instead,
formulating right then and there on the very spot, Literally
thinking on my feet for I was standing up at the time even
though I felt as though I was crushed into little pieces on
the classroom floor, the Strategic Objective I would select
and the Tactical approach I would employ to achieve
it...Without tipping off the Enemy - my Personal Enemy, my
own so-called 'teacher', as to my Plan.
I sullenly shuffled out the door of my classroom, looking
totally dejected which after all, I Truly was, but upon the
door closing behind me, I immediately put all the mimicry
skills I had cultivated over the last 7 years of my
existence in this Hostile Alien world to what for me would
be a sort of life and death test...at least that's what the
stakes seemed like - If word of what had happened to me ever
got back to my parents, *I* would be the one blamed - sure,
the teacher probably would get some blame too, but it would
be me who would get Further dumped-on for not doing this,
that, or the other thing 'right' and/or for doing this,
that, or the other thing 'wrong', In other words, after
school, I'd be in ***BIG*** Trouble at home, as though what
happened at school wasn't more than Trouble enough.
On the other hand, if I could 'pull it off', and sucessfully
Implement my Plan, this Horrendous Atrocity might actually
become neutralized - much more than sufficient Incentive to
give it my very best effort ever - so I did. Summoning up
all the courage and confidence that's possible for a 7
year-old little autistic girl to acquire over such few
years, and combining that with all my experience at mimicry
up to that point in time, I stepped through the door and
into Miss Robinson's class.
Like the Monster that had just finished humiliating me
across the hall, Miss Robinson was also a Rude person
herself and immediately upon seeing me, her first words were
a demanding; 'WHAT DO YOU WANT?'. Now I had never aspired to
be any kind of actress but considering the stakes involved
and what hung in the balance, I was obviously 'elected'. So
standing there, tall and with an air of confidence (who says
we can't understand and even mimic body language once we put
our minds to it?), I casually stated; "Miss Madden asked me
to ask you what she can do with a vegetable." - to which she
replied by reiterating her question, to which I responded
exactly as before by reiterating my answer. She thought
about it for a few seconds, even parroting my response by
saying; 'what can I do with a vegetable?'. She then replied
to me saying; "Nothing- I can't do anything with a
vegetable- GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM!"
I almost couldn't believe it - I DID IT!!!
Shirley Temple or any other kid actress had nothing on yours
truly that time! But then, yet again, necessity was the
mother of invention.
My self-esteem, which prior to that had been drained to just
about zero, was returning like a battery that's been just
about cranked to death. It made a BIG difference - BUT, I
still had to go back to my room, and the Monster who started
all this. Only this time, I was further Armed with new
confidence, remembering to this time, now mimic my sullen
demeanor even though I really felt like floating right up to
the ceiling. As soon as I opened the door, Monster Miss
Madden was right on me, demanding; 'WELL, WHAT DID MISS
ROBINSON SAY?', to which I replied; 'She told me to go back
to my room', to which the response was; 'Okay, go sit down'.
Needless to say, but I will anyway ;), I kept very quiet for
the rest of the day and practically floated home when school
let out...because my parents never found out about it, so I
never got in trouble over it with them.
I learned not to 'provoke' Monsters by raising my hand in
that class, and most of all, I was successful in rising,
with no other acceptable choice, to yet another yet
Intrinsically Unnecessary challenge.
In one way or another, such situations or variations
thereof, have been a lifelong pattern - of almost constant
conflict and confrontation - with much if not most of it
being related to nothing more than my simply not being like
everyone else.
How simply being myself, harming no one in the process, can
be considered offensive for no reason other than it's
different is beyond Unjust - it's Insane, but then, Insanity
is part of NeuroTypicality.
My ideal environment is one without C&C (conflict &
confrontation) and the resulting strss - where
understanding, acceptance, and love reside. yes, that's an
idealistic view and I'm an idealist, who believes that such
really can be achieved, even beyond that which others like
to refer to as 'my own world', which I refer to as "my
Outpost".
In that environment, I'm a very laid-back, light-hearted,
bubbly, giggly, trippy, psychedelic little girl who can
actually enjoy life, even an alien one, in the absence of
bad vibes...it's nice, and Necessary, to keep hoping ;)
I was born psychedelic so I've been that way my whole life.
Psychedelic, contrary to popular myth doen NOT mean
requisite indulging in various hallucinogenic chemicals,
although they Can by involved in a psychedelic
expeience...which I regard as Sub-Trips since they occur in
life and life itself is a trip, and as the Grateful Dead put
it; "What a long strange trip it's been". I would have loved
the chance to rap with Timothy Leary, and maybe even blow
his mind, without chemicals ;)
Rather, psychedelic literally means Soul-Manifesting, as in
Self-Manifesting, or Self-Being another term for autism.
Since I've fully embraced rather than rejected such, I rely
heavily on telepathy, as do other creatures, which enables
profound and meaningful communications with them.
I'm a wild animal myself - let me explain. Animal is a
Biological term, it means nothing else so anyone inclined to
read anything more than that into it, don't bother - it's a
strictly biological term. And wild means that as far as
humans are concerned, NO ONE OWNS ME and NEVER WILL! I'm a
Christian so Only my LORD and my GOD, my Maker, is my Master
- and Woe be to anyone else who'd ever Dare to Supplant Him!
I'm also a perpetual genuine hippie, and I take that term
very seriously. Since hippie means to be hip, to be
in-the-know, knowledgeable, it means being profoundly aware
of what's going down, something for which I constantly
endeavor. I'm constantly at odds with "the Establishment",
that is, with NeuroTypicality, and I'm most disappointed, to
put it as mildly as I know how, by Plastic people, that is,
Conformists and Conformity. I thoroughly believe in "Doing
Your Own Thing", which does NOT mean to do whatever you feel
like without regard for what's Right and Wrong, but rather
doing the Right thing in your own Unique, Individual way,
thus making it "your very own", your own thing.
And unlike some so-called 'hippies', I thoroughly loathe
Socialism or ANY other form of Enforced Depersonalization,
which Denies and Forsakes the Real Individual for the
Illusory, Phony idea of a 'collective'...which means that
I'm also Totally into Personal, Individual: Freedom,
Liberty, Independence, and Sovereignty...i.e. the Founding
Principles of America as so Profoundly stated, among other
places, in the Declaration of Independence and the
Constitution's Bill of Rights. The Founders must have been
autistic ;)
Fortunately, even in the face of all the misfortunes which
have so far been my lot in life since day one, there was
still a relatively strong American influence in this
Once-Free country that Used to be America. I was brought up
on the idea that self-help is the Right and Proper way to
address problems and is conducive to preserving what is
Supposed to be our Heritage of Liberty. As a result, rather
than seeking victimhood status as 'disabled', I was
encouraged to work out my own problems myself. Sure, there
was some help from my parents and others, but the proverbial
"lion's share" of it was expected to come primarily from
yours truly in the classic Pioneer Spirit of Independence
and Dignity, what would also be referred to as "Rugged
Individualism"...and while 'easy' was the last thing it
could ever have been, it worked and still does, at building
character and strengtening one's resolve to Rise to
Challenges with the Objective of Overcoming them or at very
least, bringing them under the Individual's own control.
That was how I was raised, literally, from the low level to
the high level, and because of that, and the Grace of God,
I'm still here and writing about it rather than pushing up
daisies for almost the last 56 years...it has stood me in
very good stead, despite all the pain and suffering, against
what would otherwise appear to be impossible odds time and
time again.
I'm also hypersensitive in all ' input channels' i.e. senses
and therefore am also hyper sensual as well, particularly in
the tactile (touch) 'channel' and the auditory (hearing)
'channel'. While I can reasonably control how much tactile
stimulation I receive, auditory stimulation i.e. sound is
everywhere and even today, some kinds of sound can make me
practically jump, or even bolt, unless I'm prepared for
them. It used to be much worse, until I set out to get 'on
top' of the situation by getting involved with music,
ultimately making my own, and having a career in the
electroacoustics industry for almost 11 years as a research
and development engineer, technician, designer and inventor.
In that field, and as a musician, I was able to explore
sounds under my own control and thus gain a great deal of
mastery over what would otherwise have come very close to
driving me crazy with unmitigated overstimulation.
Like the old saying about being handed a lemon, to make
lemonade, or better yet, a lemon cream pie yum ;), the right
attitude combined with the appropriate Actions to back it up
can make ALL the difference. I've experienced that time and
again and Know that there really are such things as
"Autistic Skills". I've made use of them extensively in the
electroacoustics industry. Since I've been perceiving the
universe in ways, mostly psychedelic, that most others,
usually NT, can't even begin to imagine, much less
appreciate, I've been able to diagnose problems with
loudspeakers in the time it takes to hook one up to an audio
oscillator and sweep the frequency band while the NT out in
the plant couldn't figure it out all day and finally brought
it to me at the end of the day. I instantly told them
exactly what the problem was, what was causing it, and what
to do to prevent it in the future...but then that was a
regular part of my job almost every day, very easy.
In another incident, the company owner, a PhD, the
president, a Masters, and a couple of other engineers,
Bachelor degreed, NT people, were trying to get our main
test console, which was down, back up and running. I was
working on a prototype project at the time and had
hand-assembled the samples, and knew that sooner or later,
I'd have to fully test them on that console, but didn't want
to have to ask when it would be running for fear of getting
yelled at. Finally, I had to ask because it was getting
later in the day and I had to get my work done..and as I
knew it would happen, I got yelled at and told to do
something else while these characters tried everything they
could think of and discussed and argued over what they were
doing among themselves. Finally, it was the end of the day
and they quit and went home, with the equipment console
still down. I looked it over, walked around back for access
to other connections, checked a few things, adjusted a few
connections and inside of around 3 minutes, had the entire
system up and running fine, then stayed overtime to get my
testing and frequency response curves done. Next day, nobody
would even talk to me - I loved it!
I didn't have to knock myself out to address those problems,
since I see things radically differently from others, the
problem stood right out and fixing it was extremely simple
and easy.
That's why I Celebrate my autism - it's a Gift from God it
has also enabled me to write original songs and play them in
my own style...which is why I regard autism as a very good
thing. Difficult? quite often if not usually. Painful?
Almost constantly. Disability? MOST DEFINITELY *NOT*!!!
It's a lot like getting a special gift that rather than
providing instant gratification, requires extensive
investments of time and effort, and yes, even suffering from
the recipient to BUILD it into something Wonderful, at which
point in time, it's Never necessary to question whether or
not it was worth it - because it Absolutely Obviously IS,
and I wouldn't trade it for anything!
I still fear the unknown, which is why I am and always was
an incessant questioner and analyzer of everything, in an
effort to destroy i.e. eliminate the unknown by converting
it to that which is known. The result is that I'm a
relentless explorer and experimenter...constantly testing
everything to separate the truth from the lies, and
revealing the simple hidden among the overcomplex.
I hope this short, tiny, miniscule account of mine will both
enable others to better understand why I take the positions
I do and also to encourage others with this Unique condition
to find the fortitude to see it through all the way to
something beautiful despite any ugliness that may be
encountered the way.
Peace, Love, Understanding, and Respect
Louise
In view of how often my profound convictions are made
manifest through my postings over various issues here, and
elsewhere in other ways of course, I thought it only proper
to offer some insight into the basis for such positions and
thus endeavor to clarify the proverbial so-called 'method to
the madness' as it were.
As of next month, I'll be celebrating 56 years of survival
and struggle in a strange and hostile alien world in which I
have for the most part never really fit or ever learned to
truly feel at home.
I entered this mode/plane of existence in May of 1956, in
the Chicago, Illinois southside neighborhood of Englewood. I
have very vivid memory recollection of the process, and of
the immense trauma of the event, which was so intense I was
essentially paralyzed by it, unable to do anything except
take it all in. I was literally being relentlessly bombarded
by intense stiumli of every kind from all directions and
while I really can't ascribe that to being horrific (that
would come a little later), it was to say the very least, as
amazingly awesome as it was very strange.
I was premature, weighing only 4.5 lb, which resulted in my
being placed in the neonatal intensive care unit in a small
life support chamber more commonly referred to as an
incubator. Although the stimuli bombardment continued, it
was considerably less than it was in the busy, noisy,
brightly-lit delivery room where I had entered this world,
and it was less still after being placed in the incubator
when the clear semi-dome-like cover was put in place. I was
finally able to at least begin to collect my thoughts in an
effort to figure out what made no sense at all and for which
I had no basis for any points of reference regarding it, and
what it had to do with me, or I with it.
As I lay in the incubator on my back, contemplating the most
recent traumatic events, the less brightly-lit and now
relatively quiet environment of my little capsule made
thinking much easier, and as a result, it began to occur to
me that the situation in which I found myself was not
particularly pleasant, with the result being, for the first
time in my life, my experiencing genuine Fear - this time
with an actual basis, I was locked in a capsule, alone, it
was relatively dark and relatively quiet - what was next? In
other words, fear of the unknown, which only continued to
intensify the more I thought about it.
Then suddenly, instantly, my environment changed completely,
almost like changing pictures in a slide projector. I found
myself being carried outside. The sounds were different
although still plenty intense, and yet I found I was not as
fearful as before - I was leaving the environment in which
the fear had started and with the level of sensory stimuli
bombardment now below my trauma threshold, things were
actually becoming interesting, even an adventure of
sorts...but Why was I in the incubator one second, and
another second later, outside being apparently taken 'home'
by car? What about the time between those events? What
happened? I would later learn why when my parents explained
it to me a few years later.
Having entered this world when I did qualified me as a "Baby
Boomer", so-named for the rash of OverBreeding which
spearheaded the current Catastrophe of Overpopulation which
now Threatens the Quality of life like never before, and it
always seems that whenever such Irresponsible behavor on so
enormous a scale becomes so rampant, there are almost always
immediate ramifications in addition to the long range ones.
One of them was that there was a lot of incubator use for
all the 'preemies', like me - and incubators, being only
mechanical devices, when used heavily, can and do develop
various malfunctions. For example, in the case of another
preemie, Steveland Hardaway Morris, better known as Stevie
Wonder, he was also placed in an incubator. He also had the
medical condition of premature retinopathy, in which
incomplete blood vessel fomation supplying the eyes poses
the threat of retinal detatchment. As 'fate' would have it,
his incubaor's oxygen system malfunctioned, causing
excessive oxygen to be supplied, which greatly exacerbated
the condition, causing complete detatchment of the retinas
of both eyes, resulting in his total blindness.
In my own case the exact opposite happened - my incubator's
oxygen system failed completely so I received no oxygen at
all. I had been breathing my own carbon dioxide for quite
some time when a nurse making her rounds happened to notice
me for my appearance - I had turned a noticeably
bluish-green color and had become unconscious. My parents
were then given the news - that I had suffered severe
hypoxia to such an extent that I was not expected to survive
the experience. But there really is a God, and He really
does bestow Miracles, because despite my apparently
impending and inevitable death by hypoxia, my parents were
given an update - I wasn't going to die after all, but I
would end up as essentially a vegetable for the rest of my
existence due to the extent and severity of the damage to my
nervous system due to the oxygen starvation. But there was
yet another Miracle, and my parents were once more given yet
another update - I wouldn't die, and I wouldn't be a
vegetable after all, but I would be severely mentally
retarded, something my brother likes to tell me definitely
happened ;)
And so that explained the slide-show-like apparently (for
me) sudden change in my environment. But now the horrors
were only beginning, as though they had not already begun
the instant I entered this alien world. I was given all
kinds of attention - all the Wrong kinds, what I didn't want
or need. It seemed everyone was trying to change me. I had
also been born with a few physical and physiological defects
to boot and with the prevailing ideas of the time regarding
the raising of children, I was used as the unwilling subject
of several experiments which took full advantage of my
disadvantages with the idea that I could somehow be
'changed' into someone other than myself...according to the,
in this case flawed logic as applied to the notion of
'striking while the iron is still hot'. But it didn't work -
I made every effort possible to guarantee that, although to
say the experience was painful would be a gross
understatement.
I was constantly, relentlessly, Naggingly put upon i.e.
coerced, to Conform, to be like others, to 'act like this',
'dress like this', 'talk like this', 'walk like this', 'look
like this' etc., etc., ad infinitum, ad nauseam, and of
course, forever being told to "look people in the eye"
particularly when talking to them - something I've never
been inclined to do my entire life. And that was only the
beginning. Even my family seemed alien to me because I was
indeed profoundly different. I viewed the world from what to
them was an unknown, and therefore somehow 'invalid'
perspective which resulted in it being said that I lived in
'my own world'...a notion which persists to this very day -
outside of my family as well.
Although I was considered to be a 'special-needs' child - I
was nonetheless Denied the most Critically Important and
most Special Need of them all, THE NEED TO SIMPLY BE WHO I
WAS, AM, AND WILL ALWAYS BE - MYSELF! But if I was ever to
achieve that, I'd have to fight Hard for it, with everything
I could muster, and I have, my whole life. It's why I'm such
a rebel, 'refusenick', and vehement Non-Conformist...It cost
me much more than plenty in just about every way, but it
was, and still is worth it, and Thank GOD, I Earned it!
DAMNED IF I'LL EVER SIT STILL FOR ANYONE TO EVEN SO MUCH AS
TRY TO TAKE IT AWAY...NOT THIS GIRL - NOT YOURS TRULY!!!
I had dreaded, and with good cause, the very idea of being
Forced to go to school to start the 1st grade. By this time
I was very well experienced at the scientific method of
routinely relationally articulating observation, analysis,
and prognosis - and the very idea of being cooped up with
strangers, and alien ones at that, horrified me thoroughly,
often beyond even my imagination. My horrific prognosis was
not to be disappointed in the least, although the intensity
of the reality of the situation, once it materialized, much
more than justified my initial horror at the prospect. And
it was horrible...all the Unacceptance, Intolerance, and
even blatant Hostility directed against me for not 'fitting
in' was more than I could bear. I was bullied constantly,
which meant that I had to invent some way of at least
mitigating it as quickly as possible if I was to survive
this latest challenge, Intrinsically Unnecessary as it was.
Most of the other girls at very least shunned me - most but
not all. I seized upon the fact that those who did not
respond so negatively to me might not be averse to at least
some semblance of friendship, even though it was by that
time well know that I was basically a 'loner'. So I
carefully and methodically approached them - and with some
degree of success. I even did the same with some of the boys
- I was seeking an alliance of sorts, and it did help in at
least reducing the torment from its previous level. I didn't
stop there - the teachers were next. I made it a point to
get on their 'good side'. Being a 'natural-born scientist',
in order to survive - in this case, necessity really was the
mother of invention, I made my scientific interests known to
them and soon I had some real authority figures, which
teachers used to actually be back then in 1962, on my side
and looking out for me, which reduced the bullying
dramatically. And I was always studying every chance I got,
so at least now, the bullying was reduced to namecalling -
like 'bookworm' or 'brainiac', which I could cope with.
By the 2nd grade, however, things really took a nosedive
when my teacher, a particularly nasty person, by the name of
Miss Madden (most appropriate name) was either in her
'ragged-out' time of the month, and/or - being a Public
Parasite, was outraged that some kid in her class, namely
me, was daring to *impose* upon her to actually *earn* her
pay by doing her job of teaching.
Since I really am 'wired' differently, or as Aquarian Monkey
<Aquaria...@gmail.com> so eloquently put it:
"Wonderfully Wired", I don't learn the way most others do -
like everthing else, I have my own unique way of receiving
and processing stimuli - which nowadays would probably get
me labeled as 'learning disabled', 'Educable Mentally
Handicapped', or the like, to be followed by 'therapy'
including the Forced drugging into becoming a veritable
Zombie. As a result, I must formulate my own 'workarounds'
in order to more effectively 'interface' with the Alien
communications out of which I'm trying to make sense, yet
another challenge - Literally the story of my life...which
means that I inevitability always had my hand up...always
asking questions, the Only way I know of to get answers from
people in an academic environment.
But my noble cause was no longer well received once this
teacher decided that I had raised my hand one time too many
- she exploded right in my 7 year-old face, venting her spew
like so much Mentos mixed with soda - all over yours truly.
Her vicious tirade included such 'compliments' as; 'You just
can't learn!', 'You're too stupid for the 2nd grade!', 'I
give up trying to teach you!', 'You'll NEVER learn!', etc. -
and then on top of all that came the real kicker which
spiritually stomped me into the ground. She loudly and
angrily exclaimed for all the class to clearly hear; "YOU'RE
A VEGETABLE! - NOTHING BUT A VEGETABLE! - GET OUT OF MY
CLASS! - GO TO MISS ROBINSON'S CLASS ACROSS THE HALL AND ASK
HER WHAT SHE CAN DO WITH A VEGETABLE! - GO ON...GET OUT OF
HERE!
I was far beyond totally devastated...I had just been
publically ridiculed, insulted, and thoroughly humiliated
before the entire class - and I had just had my nose
thoroughly rubbed right back into the prognosis made shortly
after my birth - that I'd end up a vegetable. The pain was
overwhelming. If I didn't bring every last bit of
self-control I had to bear, I could have easily more than
matched my teacher's spew from her mouth with one of my own
- from my eyes, and probably have cried myself to death in
the process - but my GOD, and my constant Rebel nature was
right there, helping to prevent that and instead,
formulating right then and there on the very spot, Literally
thinking on my feet for I was standing up at the time even
though I felt as though I was crushed into little pieces on
the classroom floor, the Strategic Objective I would select
and the Tactical approach I would employ to achieve
it...Without tipping off the Enemy - my Personal Enemy, my
own so-called 'teacher', as to my Plan.
I sullenly shuffled out the door of my classroom, looking
totally dejected which after all, I Truly was, but upon the
door closing behind me, I immediately put all the mimicry
skills I had cultivated over the last 7 years of my
existence in this Hostile Alien world to what for me would
be a sort of life and death test...at least that's what the
stakes seemed like - If word of what had happened to me ever
got back to my parents, *I* would be the one blamed - sure,
the teacher probably would get some blame too, but it would
be me who would get Further dumped-on for not doing this,
that, or the other thing 'right' and/or for doing this,
that, or the other thing 'wrong', In other words, after
school, I'd be in ***BIG*** Trouble at home, as though what
happened at school wasn't more than Trouble enough.
On the other hand, if I could 'pull it off', and sucessfully
Implement my Plan, this Horrendous Atrocity might actually
become neutralized - much more than sufficient Incentive to
give it my very best effort ever - so I did. Summoning up
all the courage and confidence that's possible for a 7
year-old little autistic girl to acquire over such few
years, and combining that with all my experience at mimicry
up to that point in time, I stepped through the door and
into Miss Robinson's class.
Like the Monster that had just finished humiliating me
across the hall, Miss Robinson was also a Rude person
herself and immediately upon seeing me, her first words were
a demanding; 'WHAT DO YOU WANT?'. Now I had never aspired to
be any kind of actress but considering the stakes involved
and what hung in the balance, I was obviously 'elected'. So
standing there, tall and with an air of confidence (who says
we can't understand and even mimic body language once we put
our minds to it?), I casually stated; "Miss Madden asked me
to ask you what she can do with a vegetable." - to which she
replied by reiterating her question, to which I responded
exactly as before by reiterating my answer. She thought
about it for a few seconds, even parroting my response by
saying; 'what can I do with a vegetable?'. She then replied
to me saying; "Nothing- I can't do anything with a
vegetable- GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM!"
I almost couldn't believe it - I DID IT!!!
Shirley Temple or any other kid actress had nothing on yours
truly that time! But then, yet again, necessity was the
mother of invention.
My self-esteem, which prior to that had been drained to just
about zero, was returning like a battery that's been just
about cranked to death. It made a BIG difference - BUT, I
still had to go back to my room, and the Monster who started
all this. Only this time, I was further Armed with new
confidence, remembering to this time, now mimic my sullen
demeanor even though I really felt like floating right up to
the ceiling. As soon as I opened the door, Monster Miss
Madden was right on me, demanding; 'WELL, WHAT DID MISS
ROBINSON SAY?', to which I replied; 'She told me to go back
to my room', to which the response was; 'Okay, go sit down'.
Needless to say, but I will anyway ;), I kept very quiet for
the rest of the day and practically floated home when school
let out...because my parents never found out about it, so I
never got in trouble over it with them.
I learned not to 'provoke' Monsters by raising my hand in
that class, and most of all, I was successful in rising,
with no other acceptable choice, to yet another yet
Intrinsically Unnecessary challenge.
In one way or another, such situations or variations
thereof, have been a lifelong pattern - of almost constant
conflict and confrontation - with much if not most of it
being related to nothing more than my simply not being like
everyone else.
How simply being myself, harming no one in the process, can
be considered offensive for no reason other than it's
different is beyond Unjust - it's Insane, but then, Insanity
is part of NeuroTypicality.
My ideal environment is one without C&C (conflict &
confrontation) and the resulting strss - where
understanding, acceptance, and love reside. yes, that's an
idealistic view and I'm an idealist, who believes that such
really can be achieved, even beyond that which others like
to refer to as 'my own world', which I refer to as "my
Outpost".
In that environment, I'm a very laid-back, light-hearted,
bubbly, giggly, trippy, psychedelic little girl who can
actually enjoy life, even an alien one, in the absence of
bad vibes...it's nice, and Necessary, to keep hoping ;)
I was born psychedelic so I've been that way my whole life.
Psychedelic, contrary to popular myth doen NOT mean
requisite indulging in various hallucinogenic chemicals,
although they Can by involved in a psychedelic
expeience...which I regard as Sub-Trips since they occur in
life and life itself is a trip, and as the Grateful Dead put
it; "What a long strange trip it's been". I would have loved
the chance to rap with Timothy Leary, and maybe even blow
his mind, without chemicals ;)
Rather, psychedelic literally means Soul-Manifesting, as in
Self-Manifesting, or Self-Being another term for autism.
Since I've fully embraced rather than rejected such, I rely
heavily on telepathy, as do other creatures, which enables
profound and meaningful communications with them.
I'm a wild animal myself - let me explain. Animal is a
Biological term, it means nothing else so anyone inclined to
read anything more than that into it, don't bother - it's a
strictly biological term. And wild means that as far as
humans are concerned, NO ONE OWNS ME and NEVER WILL! I'm a
Christian so Only my LORD and my GOD, my Maker, is my Master
- and Woe be to anyone else who'd ever Dare to Supplant Him!
I'm also a perpetual genuine hippie, and I take that term
very seriously. Since hippie means to be hip, to be
in-the-know, knowledgeable, it means being profoundly aware
of what's going down, something for which I constantly
endeavor. I'm constantly at odds with "the Establishment",
that is, with NeuroTypicality, and I'm most disappointed, to
put it as mildly as I know how, by Plastic people, that is,
Conformists and Conformity. I thoroughly believe in "Doing
Your Own Thing", which does NOT mean to do whatever you feel
like without regard for what's Right and Wrong, but rather
doing the Right thing in your own Unique, Individual way,
thus making it "your very own", your own thing.
And unlike some so-called 'hippies', I thoroughly loathe
Socialism or ANY other form of Enforced Depersonalization,
which Denies and Forsakes the Real Individual for the
Illusory, Phony idea of a 'collective'...which means that
I'm also Totally into Personal, Individual: Freedom,
Liberty, Independence, and Sovereignty...i.e. the Founding
Principles of America as so Profoundly stated, among other
places, in the Declaration of Independence and the
Constitution's Bill of Rights. The Founders must have been
autistic ;)
Fortunately, even in the face of all the misfortunes which
have so far been my lot in life since day one, there was
still a relatively strong American influence in this
Once-Free country that Used to be America. I was brought up
on the idea that self-help is the Right and Proper way to
address problems and is conducive to preserving what is
Supposed to be our Heritage of Liberty. As a result, rather
than seeking victimhood status as 'disabled', I was
encouraged to work out my own problems myself. Sure, there
was some help from my parents and others, but the proverbial
"lion's share" of it was expected to come primarily from
yours truly in the classic Pioneer Spirit of Independence
and Dignity, what would also be referred to as "Rugged
Individualism"...and while 'easy' was the last thing it
could ever have been, it worked and still does, at building
character and strengtening one's resolve to Rise to
Challenges with the Objective of Overcoming them or at very
least, bringing them under the Individual's own control.
That was how I was raised, literally, from the low level to
the high level, and because of that, and the Grace of God,
I'm still here and writing about it rather than pushing up
daisies for almost the last 56 years...it has stood me in
very good stead, despite all the pain and suffering, against
what would otherwise appear to be impossible odds time and
time again.
I'm also hypersensitive in all ' input channels' i.e. senses
and therefore am also hyper sensual as well, particularly in
the tactile (touch) 'channel' and the auditory (hearing)
'channel'. While I can reasonably control how much tactile
stimulation I receive, auditory stimulation i.e. sound is
everywhere and even today, some kinds of sound can make me
practically jump, or even bolt, unless I'm prepared for
them. It used to be much worse, until I set out to get 'on
top' of the situation by getting involved with music,
ultimately making my own, and having a career in the
electroacoustics industry for almost 11 years as a research
and development engineer, technician, designer and inventor.
In that field, and as a musician, I was able to explore
sounds under my own control and thus gain a great deal of
mastery over what would otherwise have come very close to
driving me crazy with unmitigated overstimulation.
Like the old saying about being handed a lemon, to make
lemonade, or better yet, a lemon cream pie yum ;), the right
attitude combined with the appropriate Actions to back it up
can make ALL the difference. I've experienced that time and
again and Know that there really are such things as
"Autistic Skills". I've made use of them extensively in the
electroacoustics industry. Since I've been perceiving the
universe in ways, mostly psychedelic, that most others,
usually NT, can't even begin to imagine, much less
appreciate, I've been able to diagnose problems with
loudspeakers in the time it takes to hook one up to an audio
oscillator and sweep the frequency band while the NT out in
the plant couldn't figure it out all day and finally brought
it to me at the end of the day. I instantly told them
exactly what the problem was, what was causing it, and what
to do to prevent it in the future...but then that was a
regular part of my job almost every day, very easy.
In another incident, the company owner, a PhD, the
president, a Masters, and a couple of other engineers,
Bachelor degreed, NT people, were trying to get our main
test console, which was down, back up and running. I was
working on a prototype project at the time and had
hand-assembled the samples, and knew that sooner or later,
I'd have to fully test them on that console, but didn't want
to have to ask when it would be running for fear of getting
yelled at. Finally, I had to ask because it was getting
later in the day and I had to get my work done..and as I
knew it would happen, I got yelled at and told to do
something else while these characters tried everything they
could think of and discussed and argued over what they were
doing among themselves. Finally, it was the end of the day
and they quit and went home, with the equipment console
still down. I looked it over, walked around back for access
to other connections, checked a few things, adjusted a few
connections and inside of around 3 minutes, had the entire
system up and running fine, then stayed overtime to get my
testing and frequency response curves done. Next day, nobody
would even talk to me - I loved it!
I didn't have to knock myself out to address those problems,
since I see things radically differently from others, the
problem stood right out and fixing it was extremely simple
and easy.
That's why I Celebrate my autism - it's a Gift from God it
has also enabled me to write original songs and play them in
my own style...which is why I regard autism as a very good
thing. Difficult? quite often if not usually. Painful?
Almost constantly. Disability? MOST DEFINITELY *NOT*!!!
It's a lot like getting a special gift that rather than
providing instant gratification, requires extensive
investments of time and effort, and yes, even suffering from
the recipient to BUILD it into something Wonderful, at which
point in time, it's Never necessary to question whether or
not it was worth it - because it Absolutely Obviously IS,
and I wouldn't trade it for anything!
I still fear the unknown, which is why I am and always was
an incessant questioner and analyzer of everything, in an
effort to destroy i.e. eliminate the unknown by converting
it to that which is known. The result is that I'm a
relentless explorer and experimenter...constantly testing
everything to separate the truth from the lies, and
revealing the simple hidden among the overcomplex.
I hope this short, tiny, miniscule account of mine will both
enable others to better understand why I take the positions
I do and also to encourage others with this Unique condition
to find the fortitude to see it through all the way to
something beautiful despite any ugliness that may be
encountered the way.
Peace, Love, Understanding, and Respect
Louise
Nick Cramer
Apr 29, 2012, 5:51:03 AM4/29/12
to
> [extraordinary journey snipped]
Thank you for that. I'm rather awe-struck. I've saved it and also sent it
to my daughter.
I have to re-read it when I'm not distracted by personal physical problems,
as I have been for the past several days.
--
Nick, KI6VAV. Support severely wounded and disabled Veterans and their
families: https://semperfifund.org https://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/
http://www.specialops.org/ http://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/ ~Semper Fi~
http://www.woundedwarriors.ca/ http://www.legacy.com.au/ ~Semper Fi~
>
> Peace, Love, Understanding, and Respect
Louise,
> Peace, Love, Understanding, and Respect
Thank you for that. I'm rather awe-struck. I've saved it and also sent it
to my daughter.
I have to re-read it when I'm not distracted by personal physical problems,
as I have been for the past several days.
--
Nick, KI6VAV. Support severely wounded and disabled Veterans and their
families: https://semperfifund.org https://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/
http://www.specialops.org/ http://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/ ~Semper Fi~
http://www.woundedwarriors.ca/ http://www.legacy.com.au/ ~Semper Fi~
Autindividual
Apr 29, 2012, 7:05:34 AM4/29/12
to
Nick Cramer <n_cram...@pacbell.net> wrote in
news:20120429055103.852$w...@newsreader.com:
> Thank you for that. I'm rather awe-struck. I've saved it and also sent
> it to my daughter.
>
> I have to re-read it when I'm not distracted by personal physical
> problems, as I have been for the past several days.
My pleasure. I hope it helps. And anyone else so inclined is invited to
post their stories as well.
news:20120429055103.852$w...@newsreader.com:
> Thank you for that. I'm rather awe-struck. I've saved it and also sent
> it to my daughter.
>
> I have to re-read it when I'm not distracted by personal physical
> problems, as I have been for the past several days.
post their stories as well.
dolph...@fsmail.net
May 5, 2012, 4:25:16 PM5/5/12
to
On Saturday, April 28, 2012 10:14:34 PM UTC+1, Autindividual wrote:
> My Self-Being, My Autism - An Abbreviated History
[I have snipped bits]
> My Self-Being, My Autism - An Abbreviated History
> As of next month, I'll be celebrating 56 years of survival
> and struggle in a strange and hostile alien world in which I
> have for the most part never really fit or ever learned to
> truly feel at home.
> I entered this mode/plane of existence in May of 1956, in
> the Chicago, Illinois southside neighborhood of Englewood. I
> have very vivid memory recollection of the process, and of
> the immense trauma of the event, which was so intense I was
> essentially paralyzed by it, unable to do anything except
> take it all in.
>
> I was literally being relentlessly bombarded
> by intense stiumli of every kind from all directions and
> while I really can't ascribe that to being horrific (that
> would come a little later), it was to say the very least, as
> amazingly awesome as it was very strange.
> Having entered this world when I did qualified me as a "Baby
> Boomer", so-named for the rash of OverBreeding which
> spearheaded the current Catastrophe of Overpopulation which
> now Threatens the Quality of life like never before, and it
> always seems that whenever such Irresponsible behavor on so
> enormous a scale becomes so rampant, there are almost always
> immediate ramifications in addition to the long range ones.
> I was constantly, relentlessly, Naggingly put upon i.e.
> coerced, to Conform, to be like others, to 'act like this',
> 'dress like this', 'talk like this', 'walk like this', 'look
> like this' etc., etc., ad infinitum, ad nauseam, and of
> course, forever being told to "look people in the eye"
> particularly when talking to them - something I've never
> been inclined to do my entire life. And that was only the
> beginning. Even my family seemed alien to me because I was
> indeed profoundly different. I viewed the world from what to
> them was an unknown, and therefore somehow 'invalid'
> perspective which resulted in it being said that I lived in
> 'my own world'...a notion which persists to this very day -
> outside of my family as well.
> Although I was considered to be a 'special-needs' child - I
> was nonetheless Denied the most Critically Important and
> most Special Need of them all, THE NEED TO SIMPLY BE WHO I
> WAS, AM, AND WILL ALWAYS BE - MYSELF! But if I was ever to
> achieve that, I'd have to fight Hard for it, with everything
> I could muster, and I have, my whole life. It's why I'm such
> a rebel, 'refusenick', and vehement Non-Conformist...It cost
> me much more than plenty in just about every way, but it
> was, and still is worth it, and Thank GOD, I Earned it!
> DAMNED IF I'LL EVER SIT STILL FOR ANYONE TO EVEN SO MUCH AS
> TRY TO TAKE IT AWAY...NOT THIS GIRL - NOT YOURS TRULY!!!
>
> I had dreaded, and with good cause, the very idea of being
> Forced to go to school to start the 1st grade. By this time
> I was very well experienced at the scientific method of
> routinely relationally articulating observation, analysis,
> and prognosis - and the very idea of being cooped up with
> strangers, and alien ones at that, horrified me thoroughly,
> often beyond even my imagination. My horrific prognosis was
> not to be disappointed in the least, although the intensity
> of the reality of the situation, once it materialized, much
> more than justified my initial horror at the prospect. And
> it was horrible...all the Unacceptance, Intolerance, and
> even blatant Hostility directed against me for not 'fitting
> in' was more than I could bear. I was bullied constantly,
> which meant that I had to invent some way of at least
> mitigating it as quickly as possible if I was to survive
> this latest challenge, Intrinsically Unnecessary as it was.
>
> Most of the other girls at very least shunned me - most but
> not all. I seized upon the fact that those who did not
> respond so negatively to me might not be averse to at least
> some semblance of friendship, even though it was by that
> time well know that I was basically a 'loner'. So I
> carefully and methodically approached them - and with some
> degree of success. I even did the same with some of the boys
> - I was seeking an alliance of sorts, and it did help in at
> least reducing the torment from its previous level. I didn't
> stop there - the teachers were next. I made it a point to
> get on their 'good side'. Being a 'natural-born scientist',
> in order to survive - in this case, necessity really was the
> mother of invention, I made my scientific interests known to
> them and soon I had some real authority figures, which
> teachers used to actually be back then in 1962, on my side
> and looking out for me, which reduced the bullying
> dramatically. And I was always studying every chance I got,
> so at least now, the bullying was reduced to namecalling -
> like 'bookworm' or 'brainiac', which I could cope with.
>
> By the 2nd grade, however, things really took a nosedive
> when my teacher, a particularly nasty person, by the name of
> Miss Madden (most appropriate name) was either in her
> 'ragged-out' time of the month, and/or - being a Public
> Parasite, was outraged that some kid in her class, namely
> me, was daring to *impose* upon her to actually *earn* her
> pay by doing her job of teaching.
>
> Since I really am 'wired' differently, or as Aquarian Monkey
> so eloquently put it:
> "Wonderfully Wired", I don't learn the way most others do -
> like everthing else, I have my own unique way of receiving
> and processing stimuli - which nowadays would probably get
> me labeled as 'learning disabled', 'Educable Mentally
> Handicapped', or the like, to be followed by 'therapy'
> including the Forced drugging into becoming a veritable
> Zombie. As a result, I must formulate my own 'workarounds'
> in order to more effectively 'interface' with the Alien
> communications out of which I'm trying to make sense, yet
> another challenge - Literally the story of my life...which
> means that I inevitability always had my hand up...always
> asking questions, the Only way I know of to get answers from
> people in an academic environment.
You learnt to adapt. If times had been different you would probably have adapted in a different way.
> "Wonderfully Wired", I don't learn the way most others do -
> like everthing else, I have my own unique way of receiving
> and processing stimuli - which nowadays would probably get
> me labeled as 'learning disabled', 'Educable Mentally
> Handicapped', or the like, to be followed by 'therapy'
> including the Forced drugging into becoming a veritable
> Zombie. As a result, I must formulate my own 'workarounds'
> in order to more effectively 'interface' with the Alien
> communications out of which I'm trying to make sense, yet
> another challenge - Literally the story of my life...which
> means that I inevitability always had my hand up...always
> asking questions, the Only way I know of to get answers from
> people in an academic environment.
> I'm also Totally into Personal, Individual: Freedom,
> Liberty, Independence, and Sovereignty...i.e. the Founding
> Principles of America as so Profoundly stated, among other
> places, in the Declaration of Independence and the
> Constitution's Bill of Rights. The Founders must have been
> autistic ;)
However, constitutions need updating from time to time. The US constitution contains some valuable protections, but I think it is also problematic and may be contributing to America's decline.
> That's why I Celebrate my autism - it's a Gift from God it
> has also enabled me to write original songs and play them in
> my own style...which is why I regard autism as a very good
> thing. Difficult? quite often if not usually. Painful?
> Almost constantly. Disability? MOST DEFINITELY *NOT*!!!
> It's a lot like getting a special gift that rather than
> providing instant gratification, requires extensive
> investments of time and effort, and yes, even suffering from
> the recipient to BUILD it into something Wonderful, at which
> point in time, it's Never necessary to question whether or
> not it was worth it - because it Absolutely Obviously IS,
> and I wouldn't trade it for anything!
> I still fear the unknown, which is why I am and always was
> an incessant questioner and analyzer of everything, in an
> effort to destroy i.e. eliminate the unknown by converting
> it to that which is known. The result is that I'm a
> relentless explorer and experimenter...constantly testing
> everything to separate the truth from the lies, and
> revealing the simple hidden among the overcomplex.
> I hope this short, tiny, miniscule account of mine will both
> enable others to better understand why I take the positions
> I do and also to encourage others with this Unique condition
> to find the fortitude to see it through all the way to
> something beautiful despite any ugliness that may be
> encountered the way.
> Peace, Love, Understanding, and Respect
>
> Louise
(Male, age 40 +/- a few months, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
Autindividual
May 5, 2012, 7:36:21 PM5/5/12
to
dolph...@fsmail.net wrote in
news:26395800.704.1336249516219.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@vbmi19:
> From your writing, I would not have guessed that you were as old. Nor
> would I have guessed that you are a woman (I think I picked up on this
> in a previous thread, but until that point I thought you were a man).
Since I had never previously mentioned my age or gender, there's no way you
or anyone else could have known - or guessed since I didn't provide any
clues, deliberately, as I prefer that the matter at hand receive the
consideration rather than myself when I post.
> I have enjoyed the narrative, but I am sorry, I don't believe that
> anyone can remember their birth.
Well, then call me "anyone", because I sure do ;)
> I agree with your concerns about overpopulation, but its causes are
> complex and I fear that solving the problem of overpopulation is
> problematic.
Whether or not the cause is complex (it's not really) definitely does not
reflect on the profound simplicity of the solution. Other predatory
creatures, the nonhuman ones, have no problem figuring it out, and Acting
accordingly.
> Perhaps we need more planning about what our economy
> needs to become in conjunction with reducing the birth rate?
But first, the Reducing has to happen...still waiting, while the Quality of
life continues to Decline Inversely Proportionally to the Quantity thereof.
> I think there is no harm being taught to conform (since most people
> like people who conform). However, it has to be accepted that some
> people won't conform.
Oh, I was taught Conformity - I just never learned it ;) although I did
learn OF it. And I don't consider knowing Right from Wrong and doing what's
Right to be conformity, merely doing what's Right whereas Conformity is to
do something just because the rest of the Herd is doing it, which can quite
often, actually be Wrong.
> Non-conformity is great, but it is important to understand why people
> conform. Then one can choose whether to accept or reject conformign
> oneself.
Yes, I most certainly do understand that, but where people, particularly of
the NT variety are involved, I'm the one who ultimately decides if it's
right for me because I Dare to actually do my own thinking...and if others
don't agree, then so be it...and if they don't happen to care what I think,
the feeling is quite mutual ;)
> I am lucky that I was not bullied. However, I think that was in part
> due to developing a sense how to deal with people.
I'm very much Quality rather than quantity-oriented, which means that I'm
not interested in dealing with people in general and am very 'picky' about
who I do choose to associate with. My requirement is that such people must
be of sufficent quality to be considered as "Friend material", i.e.
potential Friends, which does indeed imply an intimate and very trusting
relationship as I've always believed that a Friend is someone I can
literally trust with my life...and very precious few actually fit that
description.
> I was very
> sensitive to what irritated people and if I observed that I had (or
> may have) irritated people in some way, I stopped.
I've done plenty of such observing and studying, particularly considering
what was at stake, and even sought a sort of alliance with basically anyone
who might be interested, and actually made a few Friends that way, once
again, out of necessity. As for irritating people, if being myself is what
does that, then there's nothing I can do about it other than trying to
convince them that it's really not a bad thing. And I've done that, with
varying degrees of success.
> That was a good strategy.
It was, because it worked, it got the teachers on my side, but what still
steams me is that I'd *have* to do that simply because of Hostile IDIOTS.
> You learnt to adapt. If times had been different you would probably
> have adapted in a different way.
Various environmental factors indicate various adaptation factors. I
learned to adapt before I learned to talk - doen't mean I like it though,
or ever will - and that's what often if not usually irritates me...to put
it mildly.
> I think you handled this very well.
My classroom class act was as far as I was concerned, really a no-choice
situation - either I'd handle it well, as in successfully, or I'd be
handled not-so-well, that is, in addition to what had aready happened to me
- again, necessity.
> Thomas Jefferson possibly was.
I tend to believe that staunch Freedom-Loving Individualists are very
likely to be autistic - my kind of people!
> However, constitutions need updating from time to time. The US
> constitution contains some valuable protections, but I think it is
> also problematic and may be contributing to America's decline.
Abandoning and Violating the Constitution, essentially using it for Toilet
Paper, is what's causing the Decline of America as far as official
government is concerned!
> I think similarly. I am also very good with lyrics. I sometimes wonder
> what would happen if I was paired up with a pop group that just needed
> a lyricist.
I was going to ask you if you play but you've already answered that. So
you're a lyricist, that's very cool. Do you write for any musicians, like
Bernie Taupin does for Elton John?
What subjects do you cover with your lyrics?
> I think that the advantages are worth the disadvantages.
Oh, I think they're Far more than worth any disadvantages.
> I think I have more of an instinct to determine truth from lies. I am
> good at keeping an open mind until such time as the evidence seems
> overwhelming in one direction. I may take provisional views, but I am
> flexible about changing them.
I'm into that myself - and my 'alarm' system is always 'armed' - if I even
hear one word out of place, I respond instantly, usually by exclaming WHAT?
Then I go over what just happened or was said, pointing out the
discrepancies/inconsistencies - and my 'industrial strength soapbox' is
always nearby ;) Being hypersensitive, I usually pick that stuff up
instantly...even if I'm doing something else.
> I have read all that I have snipped, and this was an interesting
> account. Thank you for posting it.
My pleasure. I'm kind of hoping I won't be alone at that after a time.
news:26395800.704.1336249516219.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@vbmi19:
> From your writing, I would not have guessed that you were as old. Nor
> would I have guessed that you are a woman (I think I picked up on this
> in a previous thread, but until that point I thought you were a man).
or anyone else could have known - or guessed since I didn't provide any
clues, deliberately, as I prefer that the matter at hand receive the
consideration rather than myself when I post.
> I have enjoyed the narrative, but I am sorry, I don't believe that
> anyone can remember their birth.
> I agree with your concerns about overpopulation, but its causes are
> complex and I fear that solving the problem of overpopulation is
> problematic.
reflect on the profound simplicity of the solution. Other predatory
creatures, the nonhuman ones, have no problem figuring it out, and Acting
accordingly.
> Perhaps we need more planning about what our economy
> needs to become in conjunction with reducing the birth rate?
life continues to Decline Inversely Proportionally to the Quantity thereof.
> I think there is no harm being taught to conform (since most people
> like people who conform). However, it has to be accepted that some
> people won't conform.
learn OF it. And I don't consider knowing Right from Wrong and doing what's
Right to be conformity, merely doing what's Right whereas Conformity is to
do something just because the rest of the Herd is doing it, which can quite
often, actually be Wrong.
> Non-conformity is great, but it is important to understand why people
> conform. Then one can choose whether to accept or reject conformign
> oneself.
the NT variety are involved, I'm the one who ultimately decides if it's
right for me because I Dare to actually do my own thinking...and if others
don't agree, then so be it...and if they don't happen to care what I think,
the feeling is quite mutual ;)
> I am lucky that I was not bullied. However, I think that was in part
> due to developing a sense how to deal with people.
not interested in dealing with people in general and am very 'picky' about
who I do choose to associate with. My requirement is that such people must
be of sufficent quality to be considered as "Friend material", i.e.
potential Friends, which does indeed imply an intimate and very trusting
relationship as I've always believed that a Friend is someone I can
literally trust with my life...and very precious few actually fit that
description.
> I was very
> sensitive to what irritated people and if I observed that I had (or
> may have) irritated people in some way, I stopped.
what was at stake, and even sought a sort of alliance with basically anyone
who might be interested, and actually made a few Friends that way, once
again, out of necessity. As for irritating people, if being myself is what
does that, then there's nothing I can do about it other than trying to
convince them that it's really not a bad thing. And I've done that, with
varying degrees of success.
> That was a good strategy.
steams me is that I'd *have* to do that simply because of Hostile IDIOTS.
> You learnt to adapt. If times had been different you would probably
> have adapted in a different way.
learned to adapt before I learned to talk - doen't mean I like it though,
or ever will - and that's what often if not usually irritates me...to put
it mildly.
> I think you handled this very well.
situation - either I'd handle it well, as in successfully, or I'd be
handled not-so-well, that is, in addition to what had aready happened to me
- again, necessity.
> Thomas Jefferson possibly was.
I tend to believe that staunch Freedom-Loving Individualists are very
likely to be autistic - my kind of people!
> However, constitutions need updating from time to time. The US
> constitution contains some valuable protections, but I think it is
> also problematic and may be contributing to America's decline.
Paper, is what's causing the Decline of America as far as official
government is concerned!
> I think similarly. I am also very good with lyrics. I sometimes wonder
> what would happen if I was paired up with a pop group that just needed
> a lyricist.
you're a lyricist, that's very cool. Do you write for any musicians, like
Bernie Taupin does for Elton John?
What subjects do you cover with your lyrics?
> I think that the advantages are worth the disadvantages.
> I think I have more of an instinct to determine truth from lies. I am
> good at keeping an open mind until such time as the evidence seems
> overwhelming in one direction. I may take provisional views, but I am
> flexible about changing them.
hear one word out of place, I respond instantly, usually by exclaming WHAT?
Then I go over what just happened or was said, pointing out the
discrepancies/inconsistencies - and my 'industrial strength soapbox' is
always nearby ;) Being hypersensitive, I usually pick that stuff up
instantly...even if I'm doing something else.
> I have read all that I have snipped, and this was an interesting
> account. Thank you for posting it.
dolph...@fsmail.net
May 5, 2012, 9:34:31 PM5/5/12
to
On Sunday, May 6, 2012 12:36:21 AM UTC+1, Autindividual wrote:
> Dolphinius wrote in
> news:26395800.704.1336249516219.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@vbmi19:
> > I think similarly. I am also very good with lyrics. I sometimes wonder
> > what would happen if I was paired up with a pop group that just needed
> > a lyricist.
>
> I was going to ask you if you play but you've already answered that. So
> you're a lyricist, that's very cool. Do you write for any musicians, like
> Bernie Taupin does for Elton John?
> What subjects do you cover with your lyrics?
Sorry, to clarify I am somewhat untested here. I think I could do it based on my sense of rhythm of words, of patterns of language and the belief I could come up with something a bit different.
I have experimented. I Googled and found a video with the music for a song where you are invited to compose lyrics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08LbsffRS1Q
I tried to come up with something. It took me about 90 minutes to do the first verse and chorus.
If you listen to it bear in mind there's an introduction without lyrics for the first 16 seconds.
[FIRST VERSE - starting around 0'16]
Through the arches just by the entrance
The passing sentence
I'm going to the corners of the
Year we live in
I'm just believin'
That you're not thievin'
The time that you just left me to be
Contemplating
(Not hesitating)
But replicating
The wishes that were once found in two
Fleeting glances
Take no half-chances
Force separate dances
And totally eradicate the
[CHORUS]
Lattitude of our own mystery
And one big toppled tree
That tumbled
As if it were
Attempting
Charming me but no more space to flee
Discordant mutiny
We're freely
No more to be
My only
Hope I see to such a fine degree
Is what is totally
Unlikely
And yet it's not.
I cherish
Streams and waves and, yes, once darkened enclaves
For it is not.
> Dolphinius wrote in
> news:26395800.704.1336249516219.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@vbmi19:
> > I think similarly. I am also very good with lyrics. I sometimes wonder
> > what would happen if I was paired up with a pop group that just needed
> > a lyricist.
>
> I was going to ask you if you play but you've already answered that. So
> you're a lyricist, that's very cool. Do you write for any musicians, like
> Bernie Taupin does for Elton John?
> What subjects do you cover with your lyrics?
I have experimented. I Googled and found a video with the music for a song where you are invited to compose lyrics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08LbsffRS1Q
I tried to come up with something. It took me about 90 minutes to do the first verse and chorus.
If you listen to it bear in mind there's an introduction without lyrics for the first 16 seconds.
[FIRST VERSE - starting around 0'16]
Through the arches just by the entrance
The passing sentence
I'm going to the corners of the
Year we live in
I'm just believin'
That you're not thievin'
The time that you just left me to be
Contemplating
(Not hesitating)
But replicating
The wishes that were once found in two
Fleeting glances
Take no half-chances
Force separate dances
And totally eradicate the
[CHORUS]
Lattitude of our own mystery
And one big toppled tree
That tumbled
As if it were
Attempting
Charming me but no more space to flee
Discordant mutiny
We're freely
No more to be
My only
Hope I see to such a fine degree
Is what is totally
Unlikely
And yet it's not.
I cherish
Streams and waves and, yes, once darkened enclaves
For it is not.
Autindividual
May 5, 2012, 10:35:10 PM5/5/12
to
dolph...@fsmail.net wrote in
news:10571565.1274.1336268071134.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@vbez20:
Interesting lyrics, but I can't seem to imagine the music to go with
them. I've only got an extremely slow dial-up connection so youtube is
out. Was there some actual music for those lyrics as you mentioned about
the site which has music and you get to write the lyrics? Is it possible
to supply the names of the chords to the music?
news:10571565.1274.1336268071134.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@vbez20:
them. I've only got an extremely slow dial-up connection so youtube is
out. Was there some actual music for those lyrics as you mentioned about
the site which has music and you get to write the lyrics? Is it possible
to supply the names of the chords to the music?
dolph...@fsmail.net
May 6, 2012, 4:55:22 AM5/6/12
to
On Sunday, May 6, 2012 3:35:10 AM UTC+1, Autindividual wrote:
> Dolphinius wrote in
Verse: Eb Ab Cm Gm Ab
Chorus: Bb Cm Ab
> Dolphinius wrote in
> Interesting lyrics, but I can't seem to imagine the music to go with
> them. I've only got an extremely slow dial-up connection so youtube is
> out. Was there some actual music for those lyrics as you mentioned about
> the site which has music and you get to write the lyrics? Is it possible
> to supply the names of the chords to the music?
Yes. It is a video and someone is playing the guitar as a backing track. I've just written the lyrics to be sung along to the backing track. According to the website the chords are:
> them. I've only got an extremely slow dial-up connection so youtube is
> out. Was there some actual music for those lyrics as you mentioned about
> the site which has music and you get to write the lyrics? Is it possible
> to supply the names of the chords to the music?
Verse: Eb Ab Cm Gm Ab
Chorus: Bb Cm Ab
Autindividual
May 6, 2012, 6:48:02 AM5/6/12
to
dolph...@fsmail.net wrote in
news:13441351.1994.1336294522689.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@vbay5:
> Yes. It is a video and someone is playing the guitar as a backing
> track. I've just written the lyrics to be sung along to the backing
> track. According to the website the chords are:
>
> Verse: Eb Ab Cm Gm Ab
> Chorus: Bb Cm Ab
>
> Dolphinius
> (Male, age 40 +/- a few months, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
>
Thanks so much for those chords - I'm not quite sure what Cm (I'm
guessing it might be Cm7) is but I think I'll be able to figure it out
when I play it.
news:13441351.1994.1336294522689.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@vbay5:
> Yes. It is a video and someone is playing the guitar as a backing
> track. I've just written the lyrics to be sung along to the backing
> track. According to the website the chords are:
>
> Verse: Eb Ab Cm Gm Ab
> Chorus: Bb Cm Ab
>
> Dolphinius
> (Male, age 40 +/- a few months, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
>
guessing it might be Cm7) is but I think I'll be able to figure it out
when I play it.
0 new messages