19--09-05 AGORAPHOBIA REPORT - Went to Aikido class...
mruk4u
station is Lambeth North-which is in between Elephant & Castle &
Westminister), and, signed up to do 3 different martial arts during the
evenings.
1. Mon - Aikido(Japanese grappling - holds/throws...but, unlike Judo,
this style has no foot trips)
2. Tue - Tai Chi(Chinese boxing on air - moving incredibly slow - just
like you were a moon walker!)
3. Wed - Iaido(the Japanese art of sword drawing)
I had already signed up for the above 3 classes before. Only that was
around 2 terms ago. Each college term lasts for around 11 to 12 weeks
long. Last term, unfortunately, I didn't have enough money to go back
there. So, I had to quit. And, in the interim time, mainly due to lack
of practice, I believe I've forgotten absolutely everything that was
taught to me?! However, I still found myself deeply interested enough
to wish to try again...
So far I've returned to my Aikido class in London's Camberwell area...;
it felt good going back there as people who had seen me before quite
clearly recognised me, right away...; and did very warmly welcome me
back, including the teacher herself, Ingrid Kohler.
See I was rather deeply worried that everybody would be upset with
me...for having quit so soon! But, luckily, they didn't seem to be
holding any grudges against me, atall. So, I'm really and truly glad to
be given yet another opportunity to come and train with them.
My only trouble is, for one reason or another, I tend to quit every
class I join...; I never ever succeeded in my whole entire life to
stick with things right through to the end...; my attention wonders one
hell of a lot(ADD-Attention Deficit Disorder)...; and, as soon as
something else catches my eye I'm off like a shot! So, as usual, my
biggest problem will be learning to stick with it. However, all one can
do is try, I guess. And, if one ever fails...; then, the only thing you
can do is try, try, again...; which is exactly what it is I am doing.
It was an interesting class...especially, seeing and meeting new
faces...and, also, getting to practice with them. So, for me, overall
it was fun. And, I really look forwards to going back.
Nevertheless, I can very quickly and easily suddenly change my tune...;
and, although I'm happy to go back there today...; next week could be
something else...; I might be very busy doing something else,
instead...; or, I might be feeling either mentally depressed(I suffer
from manic depression - leading to unpredictable up/down mood swings),
or else, physically ill(I have a stomach ulcer/and, also, achilles
tendonitis).../-etc. That's how it is for me with trying to go along to
any class regularly. I just never know if I will drop out or not???
It's simply a matter of let's wait and see...(if I will do my usual
dropping out thing).
Then, again, I also have 2 more classes to return to...namely, Tai
Chi(Tuesday)/Iaido(Wednesday)...I'm really worried will those people be
eager to accept me back there? Or will they simply have totally given
up on me, altogeather...seeing me as a totally lost cause...so why
bother?! Will they even all me to rejoin? Well, I'm going to find out,
anyway...; as I'm going again tonight.../and, then, once more,
tomorrow.
Geno Centofanti
mruk4u
I guess, my thinking goes like this...I have a hobby that I love...and,
that I've always loved for all of my entire life...and, that is martial
arts. And, I've always had the ambition to do this one/or, that
one/-etc. Only trouble is, I'm currently aged 42...and, already I have
ulcerative colitis-stomach ulcer/and, achilles
tendonitis/-etc....meaning I sure as hell ain't getting any younger.
So, if I'm going to do what I've always wanted to do in life...which is
to go and study taking as many martial arts courses as is
possible...then, the time to do it is 'right now' whilst I'm still well
and truly capable. Because, if I leave it until far too late...; then,
I might not be able to even 'try' anymore. Thus, my overall feeling is
go for it now...; otherwise it could be a case of either now or never.
I did try signing up to go and take some 'educational' courses...; but,
unfortunately, those courses all seemed to be full(because I applied
far too late!). This left me with no other choice but to go take the
'physical' keep fit courses, instead.
-(And, no, I never take drugs to deal with my mental problems such as
Manic Depresion/BiPolar...or, ADD/Attention Deficit DIsorder. I don't
go to see shrinks, neither. I figure, compared to other extreme
cases...my difficulties are really quite mild...; thus, I don't need
any outside help/nor, interferance. I can just deal with it all by
myself, instead.)-
After all, this is college enrollment month in September. So, I already
figured things would get really a bit hectic...especially as I tend to
leave reading brochures/signing up/paying fees...right up until the
very last minute! Therefore, I expect to find myself to be going off
everywhere in a bit of rush.
But, it's after I've gone and signed up to take all of the courses
which I'm interested in, and, can also afford to pay for...; that's
what I'm worried about...; will I still be able to stick with it or
not?! And, the answer to that question is...only Time alone will tell?
M.M.
meds or counseling or, to stop taking meds as you are well now, etc.
Might want to go get an expert opinion because you obviously are not a
"shrink" and are not qualified to have a valid opinion about meds nor
counseling. You might have to sue yourself for practicing medicine
without a license..lol...
On the not finishing stuff, I have experienced two problems here
that I can recognize and maybe more unrecognized.
One is that when in a certain state of mind, I would decide to do
something , go sign up, start going to class, then get depressed and
lose interest of become more agoraphobic and get "stuck" at home.
The second is realizing that older influences in my past had chewed
me up when I completed some job telling me all of the shortcomings I
had and how I had done it wrong. After a few of these butt chewing and
put down sessions, I became lethargic about working and decided inside
that why work - or more specifically - why finish anything because I
was going to get disrespected and abused after it was completed
anyway...so just go ahead and get it for not finishing anyway...might
get less abuse and shaming that way...M.M.
Geno Centofanti
mruk4u
I went and signed up to go and take 3 martial arts courses...I've
already dropped out of going to 2 of these classes!
MONDAY-AIKIDO
The only class I stuck with so far to date...; and, am still going to
regularly is, Aikido...; simply, because this one was the most
'fun'...; and, also, the least demanding physically.
TUESDAY-USED TO BE TAI CHI/BUT, NOW, IT'S KICK BOXING
Tai Chi, I went to only once/or, twice(got there really late!), then,
stopped going, altogeather. I felt this form of Tai Chi is far too slow
for me.
Instead, I went to another different Tai Chi class -(on Wednesday)-
where they move much faster...; but, I've only gone there once...; and,
then, missed going the following week.
Switched from doing Tai Chi on Tuesday - to doing Kick Boxing on
Tuesday, now.
WEDNESDAY-USED TO BE IAIDO/BUT, NOW, IT'S TAI CHI
One class I haven't been to atall...which is, Iaido. I feel tremendous
guilt/shame about this. As the teacher liked me a lot.../and, I liked
respected him, too. But, I just feel I want to go and do something
else, instead. I mean who the hell carries a sword around with them
now-a-days, anyways? That's why I thought I'd rather do a empty hands
style, instead. (Now, instead of doing sword/I'm doing Tai Chi on Wed.)
JUDO-THURSDAY
I was meant to go and try Judo...; but, it was late...; so I didn't
bother going, atall. I thought to myself...well, maybe, next week.
KICK BOXING-TUESDAY/FRIDAY
I've also signed up to take a new class, Kick Boxing. But, again, I
went there once. And, missed the 2nd follow up class on Friday(got
there far too late).
And, I'm not too sure what to do on the weekends Sat/Sun. I've already
gone and done my research, so I know where there are classes
available...; but, it's just that I'm totally flat broke...; so I don't
know how in the hell I'm going to cope with paying to take any more
classes(and, I'm not joking, neither/I literally don't have a single
penny left)?!
GOAL - TO GO TO, AT LEAST, 1 MARTIAL ARTS CLASS FOR EVERY DAY OF THE
WEEK
But, my goal still remains exactly the same as before...to take, at
least, one martial arts class for every single day of the week. Which I
still haven't managed to acheive, yet. But, who knows, maybe, one
day...sooner or later...???
Bye/-Paul
(The -failed- wanna be martial artist!)
I have found a place where you pay them £25.00 per month...; and,
then, you are free to take as many martial arts classes as you want...;
for every day if you wish. I already went and paid my £25.00 for the
month. But, so far, just haven't been going there regularly...; there
are just days when I don't feel like it...due to feeling
depressed/distracted(mind gone on to something else)/or else, if it
wasn't my mind feeling not quite right...; then, it was my body didn't
quite feel right(I had a badly sprained toe!)/-etc.