10/04/01 - AGORAPHOBIA REPORT - Saw a Martial Arts lesson
MrUK4U
WOKE UP, BROKE
I woke up knowing I was totally flat broke. Having just enough money to pay
some very important bills with.
DECIDED TO WALK - (CAN'T AFFORD A TRAVEL PASS, I'M AFRIAD)
But, it had been ages since I'd really been out anywhere far. So, I decided to
go and take a really long walk. I walked through West Norwood, Tulse Hill,
Brixton.
BOOKED A FREE COMPUTER TRIAL LESSON
In Brixton, I walked into the local library...just wanted to see what they have
there to offer people. I saw they have a few computers installed. As well as,
computer training. I booked to take a FREE introductory trial lesson in
computer training for Thursday, after which I left.
I continued walking through Brixton, then, into Stockwell, Vauxhall, Pilmlico,
Westminister.
BLOOD TEST
And, in Westminister I ended up at St. Thomas Hospital. Because, I needed to
take a blood test there that was a few days overdue. Last time, I had got down
to the blood test department far too late. Then, after the blood test was done,
-(which I hated...as needlees make me want to scream, I just turn my head away
from seeing the needle going in)- I continued on with my walking.
I walked through Westminister, Trafalgar Square, Leicester Square, Chinatown.
SAW ADVERT FOR MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS
In Chinatown I walked into a shop...and, looked at a few books concerning the
martial art Tai Chi. I, then, did some more walking around Chinatown, and, this
time ended up at a Chinatown martial arts supplies store. I think, the street
is called New Port St. Anyway, the shop was closed...but, outside of the shop
there was an advert which said Shaolin Fists lessons in Langley St, Convent
Garden. So, I moved from Leicester Square, and, walked over towards the
neighbouring Convent Garden.
WENT TO MARTIALS ARTS LESSON PLACE-AND, WAS TOLD TO WAIT
In Convent Garden, I found at number 7 Langley St, a place called, Pinnapple
Dance Studios, where through the glass I saw a tap dancing class going on. I
tried to make a few inquires there about taking Martial Arts lessons, they told
me they have 2 classes, Wing Chun at Studio 10/and, Shaolin Fists at Studio 12.
And, that I should wait around until 7:00 pm evening when the Shaolin Fists
martial arts class started.
WATCHED SHAOLIN FISTS MARTIAL ARTS LESSON FOR 1 HOUR
So, I waited at a nearby Waterstones books store for 1/2 an hour long. When I
eventually went back to the place, the class had already started. I went up 2
sets of staircases...and, first, stopped at Studio 10 to peak in on the Wing
Chun class. Then, I walked down further along the hall to Studion 12...to see
Shaolin Fists classes. There I sat on a chair, and, watched for around 1 whole
hour. I really loved watching being an 'armchair martial artist' from ever
since childhood. When the classes were done...I asked the chinese teacher if I
could take lessons, too...he replied, yes, and, then, gave me a leafet
explaining the prices. After that I thanked him, and, left.
I walked down through Convent Garden, Leicester Square, Oxford Circus,
Piccadilly Circus, Green Park, right down to Victoria, again.
WAS TOO BROKE -SHORT OF CHANGE- TO AFFORD BUS FARE HOME
At Victoria bus station I decided to take a number 2 bus all the way back home.
But, I only had 70 pence left in my pocket...and, when -after waiting all of 25
minutes long for the bus- I offered this to the bus driver, he said I needed to
have, at least, £1.00. So, I decided to continue walking on, again, once more.
I walked from Victoria, through Pimlico, Vauxhall, Stockwell. And, from there I
inquired of a man standing around waiting for the bus...how much would it cost
to get from Stockwell back to West Norwood...and, he replied 70 pence. Thank
goodness...because, that was all the change I had left. So, I decided instead
of walking on, anymore, I'd just take bus all the rest of the way home.
WHY, I DECIDED TO QUIT WALKING-AND, JUST TAKE PUBLIC TRANSPORT, INSTEAD-WHICH
IS THE REALLY LAZY MANS WAY OUT
Basically, I felt very damned lazy not being too used to going for such long
walks, regularly...; and, quite frankly, both my feet felt really quite
sore...; the cheap pair of trainers -(£10.00)- I'd recently brought are not the
most comfortable! Also, I felt that after having taken a blood test...which
meant I'd already lost some small bottles of blood...that I needed to take it
easy with too much walking...as I don't wish to get dizzy. Thus, with all these
thoughts going through my mind, I took the number 2 bus right back home, again,
to West Norwood.
MY JOURNEY TIME PERIOD
I'd left home around 3:30 pm evening...and, walked back in through the door,
again, at 12:00 midnight more or less on the dot.
CONCLUSION
THE LACK ON INNER COURAGE I FEEL
I'm still interested in taking martial arts lessons. But, still haven't worked
up enough courage to go ahead with this. I keep thinking I won't be strong
enough/fit enough/co-ordinated enough/I'm going to look terrible/I'm much too
old to keep up with them/what if I get hurt/or, they or me loose our tempers
with each other/and, even that I can't really afford to pay for the
uniforms/yearly membership fees/as well as, fees for each lesson. And, on top
of it all, constant self-conciousness, and, social phobia feelings...that I
just won't be able to fit in./-Etc.
At some point in time, I'm just going to have to bite the bullet so to speak,
and, just get on with going to take, at least, one martial art lesson...rather
than wasting so much precious time sitting here thinking...and, thinking...and,
doing more absolutely endless thinking about it...which is, really and truly,
getting me nowhere?! Dear God, please, give me sufficient courage to start.
Bye4now!/BEST wishes, always!/-Paul(UK/London)
PS: Have a NICE day!
:-)
HannaFate
STRANGE SHOPS! You also waited around at the one place, something I have a great
deal of trouble doing.
And, on the way home you weren't lazy, you were TIRED. That happens when you do a
lot of things you haven't done in a while.
At least you are considering things, like Martial arts classes. Wasn't that long
ago, was it, when you just filed such things under "I can't do that"?
MrUK4U
(Always a pleasure, and, quite lovely getting to hear from you...; and,
certainly, I hope everything is, ok.)
And, thanks very much, indeed, for all of your tremendously kind comments to
me.
Yes, you are quite right I did go into quite a few STRANGE SHOPS...; but, you
see, I think, phobias are quite specific to everybody...; and, quite frankly,
STRANGE SHOPS don't really bother me, atall...; it's more STRANGE PEOPLE -or,
rather DOWNRIGHT RUDE/or, DIFFICULT ones- that I find it extremely hard
learning how to cope with?! Almost, IMPOSSIBLE!/LOL
As to being TIRED...yes, certainly, having not gone for very long walks...all
the way out..and, then, all the way back, again...for absolute ages...I did
decide to cheat, and, take the short-cut home by taking a bus...which, true
enough, was...at least, partly...due to experiencing some TIREDNESS feelings.
But, I must also confess I was by no means all gone, yet! I knew, I still had
quite a lot of physical energy, and, strength left in me; especially, after
resting at the bus stop waiting there for many minutes...; so, certainly,
enough physical strength to make it all the way back home by just merely
continuing to walk...; and, I was 'thinking' about doing this...instead, of
waiting for that stupid slow-coach bus?!
However, you see, we all know ourselves inside...much more so than anybody else
can get to assess us from the outside.
And, at that time, I remember feeling, frankly, some FEAR...it was DARK
night...and, I didn't really wish to go walking through what I regard as being
GANGLAND districts such as STOCKWELL/BRIXTON/-etc. so late.
Therefore, I decided to cheat just a little bit towards the ending of my
journey...until when both my self-confidence & courage do fully return to me,
again...don't take no RISKS when its ever so late...instead, just hop on a bus
real quick...that is, if you can afford it?!
Many times, those with PD/Panic Disorders like to have more than 1 way out of
being in any particular situation they FEAR...in fact, they actually go out of
their way to make very careful plans, beforehand...; so, long before I go
out...I try to make damn sure to check I have enough money to be able to take
public transport all the way back home, if I should ever encouter having either
an emergency, or, a full blown PANIC ATTACK!
Still courage did not completely fail me altogeather...; as I did manage to, at
least, walk 3/4's of all the way there...; and, then, back, again.
Next time, -and, I'm quite certain there will be a next time, too/as I need to
get fit, desperately, in order to be able to take martial arts classes without
getting myself totally beaten up?!- I will walk/run all the way out...and,
also, all the way home, again...and, I will not cheat by taking any bus, or,
form of public transport, atall.
The only way of learning to cope with FEAR is to stand and FACE it...and, by
making up our minds to both stay and FIGHT.
But, running don't really help us too much...other than to re-inforce the
strength of our own negative beliefs that we just CANNOT do it...; when, in
fact, we CAN; but, to know we CAN do it...we, have to, first, PROVE this to
ourselves...only by running towards the FEAR to face it...and, not by running
away to hide.
HannaFate
high-crime area at night is not cowardice, it's simply avoiding crap you don't
need.
I'm afraid of sharks, but I don't feel any need to go skin diving in shark infested
water to face that particular fear. It's only when a fear keeps us from doing
something we want or need that it is a problem. If this fear kept me from going
to the Aquarium, then it would be a problem.