HELP!!!
The Anti Mav
three year old son.
And the long story in short form....
About six years ago, I suffered a personal crisis. I would play mind
games with myself, fantasizing about meeting my wife at a younger age,
what if we had met sooner, what iff...what if...what if... She called
it the "What if? game." At the same time, she was battling a weight
problem which she finally beat. In retrospect, I was asking myself
and my wife "Why can't it be like it used to be?" about this same
time, I lost a well-paying job, and my wife quit a well-paying job to
pursue something she felt she'd be happier at.
Not long after this period, I discovered my wife had become engaged in
a cyberaffair involving the fantasy roleplaying game "Diablo." She
had been spending enormous amounts of time on-line, chatting, etc.
She and I dealt with it (Mainly, I think, by sweeping it under the
rug). Shortly after that, we discovered she was pregnant...we had
never planned on having kids.
I seemed to float through jobs, never happy or secure. About 3 years
ago (one month before our son was born, as a matter of fact) I finally
secured employment that involved a fifty mile/ 1.5 hour commute, one
way for 12.5 hour shifts three days a week. I'd arrive home just in
time to put our son to bed, eat some dinner and collapse into bed
myself. After a year and a half of this, I managed to find enough
money to enroll in technical school at night. Now, in addition to not
getting home until almost nine on Mondays and Wed., on Teusdays I
would not get home until after midnight. On Thursdays she would get
home from work in time for me to kiss her on my way out the door, and
every other Saturday I was in school (and a third Saturday spent at
Military Reserves training). Her weight had also become an issue again
(for herslef0 after the birth of our son. She just couldn't seem to
lose it. I had learne4d in the past that any "encouragement" on my
part was not welcome/perceived as such, but, as criticism...so I
silently supported her. Now, the stage is set.
About a year ago, my wife discovered message board role-playing games.
She and I used to play table-top RPG, but as school work mounted I
dropped from the games. She continued to play, and then discovered
the aforementioned message boards. After a time, she spent mre and
more time on-line...I would arrive home and find her on the computer,
playing on-line games, posting messages to the RPG boards or
chatting...sometimes until way after midnight. At first, I was
oblivious to it with so much on my own mind I was actually grateful
she had friends to talk to.
After a time, though....I began to resent the amount of time she was
spending on-line, while our three year old son sat alone in the next
room watching a video waiting for me to get home...perhaps that
resentment only contirbuted to the problem. I also resented that she
continued to play table-top twice a month when our time together was
so limited.
Sometime last fall she came to me and said she felt we were becoming
distant and growing apart. I agreed and said she spent to much time
on-ine, I asked her to spend more time with our son, I would be
finished school in a month and we could then spend as much time
together as she wanted...little changed, though. I was still
oblivious to the growing gulf between us. A month ago she came to me
again and said she felt distant from me, I again said she spent to
much time on-line. I had finished school in December and had
repeatedly begged her to get away from the computer and do things on
our free Saturday's, but she always seemed to have an excuse. I
pointed this out to her...she upbraided me for an off the cuff remark
I had made some time ago that I found her job boring. I said the only
housework that gets done is when I do it, she ignores us, she
complained that I didn't seem to want to do my fair share. she asked
me if I loved her. I said yes, unequivocally. When I asked her, she
said she didn't know if she loved herself enough to love me.
Two weeks ago I discovered she was having another on-line affair,
completely out of character sexually explicit dialouge on private
fantasy roleplaying message boards. To make matters worse, this one
had progressed to them making plans on getting together at a time when
they knew I would be out of town on Military training. I blew up and
confronted her immediately.
Her response was to completely shut me out. I demanded Marriage
counseling. She repeatedly said she didn't know what she wanted, or if
this would work. During the first session I blamed myself for all our
problems...said I had been ignoring her, etc. The day after our first
session, I went through our browser's history again and discovered she
had still been talking with the individual and had actually convinced
herself that the only way our son could be happy was if she removed
herself from our marriage...this was not the warm loving woman I had
married. She and he discussed plans on how she could visit him in
England, student visas, employment...I discovered she had filed for a
passport.
When she got home that evening I asked her to leave. The next day I
pulled money from our joint checking and depositied in a private
account. In counseling that day she accused me of being a snoop, and
that a snoop always finds what he expects to. The counselor referred
us to individual counseling. That weekend I managed to talk with her
again. She stated she doesn't know what she wants...I want to work it
out. She told me the guy she was having the affair with was a "big
question mark". She told me the only thing she was sure of was that we
both loved our son, but she didn't know if that was enough. She also
stated that she knew a requirement for her to come back would be to
cut off contact with him but she didn't know if she was ready to give
that up. I told her she only has to decide she wants it to work and we
would make it work...I still love my wife very dearly. We talked about
a seperation, but, I can't see how she can survive on her own
income...especially since I would need some of it to support our son.
She had my son for the weekend at her parents...on Sunday morning she
called me and asked to come back to the house...there was no where
else for her to go. I took her back in. On Sunday we tried talking
again. I asked her if she was planning on moving out...she didn't
know. I asked if the other man had told her he has herpes (a fact I
discovered through my own on-line checking). She said yes.
Today I begged her to not do anything until she started going to the
individual therapists the marriage counsleor had referred us to. Since
coming back, she still spends 3-4 hours every night online and claims
she doesn't know if it will work.
So....am I reading to much into this? Does she have the addiction I
think she does? Has the internet taken my place as my wife's emotional
companion? Is it to late for our marriage?
Cherise
>So...I'm 38 years old and married for 13 years. My wife and I have a
>three year old son.
>
>And the long story in short form....
>
It seems that both of you prefer to live in a fantasy world rather
than reality. It sounds to me that your marriage was in trouble right
from the start. Why you have insisted on tormeting yourself lo, these
many years by staying together is beyond me. And to bring a kid into
the mix is pretty unforgivable IMHO. Bad enough to continue your
living hell without dragging an innocent kid into it.
Be that as it may. Other than some heavy duty counseling and a
willingness to grow up and live in the real world, I don't see much
hope for this union.
Good luck.
Cherise
"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking,
and then I thought: What good would that do?"