Star Trek beats Star Wars Any Day of the Week!
Rev Prez
Star Trek: The New New Generation Featuring Voyager and
You take a fleet of 1,000 Federation warships massed near Earth in a
fifty kilometer volume and pit them against a dispersed line of fifty
thousand Star Destroyers and a Death Star some three light seconds
away. The Federation fleet is divided into two battlegroups: Task
Force Meat Grinder consisting of nine hundred and ninety seven ships
commanded by Admiral Hal "Death" Knox, and Task Force Saving Grace
consisting of Picard's Enterprise, Sisko's Defiant, and Janeway's
Voyager.
Task Force Meat Grinder follows Knox's USS Cannon Fodder (NCC-00007)
as he rushes towards the Imperial battle line in what Moff Shokd
Stewpied could only describe in his after action report as "a
stupidifyingly inane fleet maneuver. Meanwhile, onboard the
Enterprise, Data informs Captain Picard that the Imperials smash the
"diversionarialogoy attack" as expected--in approximately
3.1415926535897932384626433832795 seconds. Picard says something
about the horror of war and orders Enterprise, Defiant and Voyager to
close against the Imperial line using the inverted phase subspace
veteron cloak somebody installed for no reason two weeks earlier.
Admiral Janeway, who for some reason is still in command of Voyager,
lets loose with a cubically squared tetrionic flux capacitating
tachyon stream of gravimetric neutrino emissions focused into a
temporally spatial beam configuration devised in two minutes by Paris
and B'Elana with the help of their bio-neural gel pack supercomputer,
thus, as Data reports to Picard, blinding 99.8394493484% of the
Imperial's sensors ability.
Riker then beams aboard the Death Star with some Starfleet Marines.
Though most of his men are killed by Stormtroopers with a better grasp
of small unit tactics than their Federation counterparts, Riker uses
his well honed skill of finding cover behind conveniently placed,
phaser and blaster-proof canisters to sneak behind the bad guys. He
stuns them all and moves into the Emperor's private chambers. He
knocks Palpatine upside the head with that double-fisted technique he
learned in RAD class, and then has Georgi locate the self-destruct
mechanism. This takes a little bit longer than expected (about two
minutes) because nobody bothered to install a wall panel from which
any damned fool could blow up the giant fortress. Fortunately, Geordi
configures his tricorder to do the mother of all hacks in order to
destablize the containment field around the hypermatter core. They
beam back to Enterprise and the Death Star, which as far as the writer
is concerned was still a few seconds away from letting loose with its
superlaser, goes kaboom.
Meanwhile on Defiant, Worf is getting a hard on while easily evaiding
massed laser fire from all nearby Imperial warships while using the
Sisko Alpha One Beta Syphilis Gamma manuever. Chief O'Brien realizes
that the Empire doesn't vary their deflector shield frequencies at
all--probably because the Imperials probably see such neato tricks as
little more than pseudoscientific claptrap in their Galaxy--and
quickly plugs the phase invariance into the computer of a single
quantum torpedo. Sisko orders Worf to fire. Kira curses the
Cardassians who enslaved her people. Executor's shields are DOWN!
Moff Shokd, realizing that all his personal competence and immense
firepower is no match for Federation gimmickery, manages to escape
Executor seconds before Defiant overwhelms the Super Star Destroyer's
point defense with a quartet of cloaked quantum torpedos they
mysteriously developed and fielded between this episode and the last.
Executor detonates in an array of pretty colors. The rest of the
Imperial warships turns tail and runs, shocked and dismayed by the
utterly ridiculous ease and speed with which the Federation
decapitated the fleet's leadership and destroyed their Death
Star--Emperor and all.
Epilogue: Moff Shokd is courts-martialed, found guilty and sentenced
to death. The disaster in the Milky Way quadrant is the butt of jokes
featured on the millions of Late Night TV talk shows back in the
Galactic Empire. The Imperial Navy Inquiry, on the other hand,
determines that any future war against the Federation will require the
Galactic Empire sustain a decades-long, costly, federally funded
mis-education program aimed at expanding Imperial understanding of the
universe beyond the outdated notions of thermodynamics, general
relativity, particle physics, and military operational art. Instead,
Imperial subjects will be required to memorize a host of previously
unheard of particles, energy forms, frustratingly mislabeled space war
tactics, and love for peace and happiness over innovation and
financial security.
Meanwhile, back in the Federation, Riker learns he'll serve
indefinitely as Enterprise's first officer (at least for the next two
weeks) while Starfleet rapidly rebuilds from the USS Cannon Fodder
debacle. Sisko and the gang go back to DS9, where not one lesson
learned from the battle with the Imperial fleet is employed in the war
against the Dominion. Voyager is whisked back to the Delta Quadrant
by Q to annoy undiscovered civilizations with technological boondoggle
and Federational morality, moving along to bother the Borg only after
everybody completely forgets about the Kazan.
As you can see, the Empire is no match for Starfleet's most brave,
clean and reverant officers.
Rev Prez
Kazuaki Shimazaki
news:fdb9ba3a.03121...@posting.google.com...
> It's very simple. Imagine we're now 48 minutes into an episode of
> Star Trek: The New New Generation Featuring Voyager and
Depending on how we choose to view it, the below is:
1) A very lame joke, or
2) Trolling.
Kazuaki Shimazaki
> Star Trek: The New New Generation Featuring Voyager and
OK...
> You take a fleet of 1,000 Federation warships massed near Earth in a
> fifty kilometer volume and pit them against a dispersed line of fifty
Actually, that's NOT what would happen. SODwise, except for very major
actions in DS9 (where the upper limit is maybe 600,) Fed fleets are
about 40 ships max. If you don't use SOD, then just think how much the
CGI fees would cost for those one thousand vessels. And because you put
them all into a fucking 50km^3 space, they have no choice but to draw
all of them. This is not likely to happen.
> thousand Star Destroyers and a Death Star some three light seconds
> away. The Federation fleet is divided into two battlegroups: Task
Wait. Wait. You don't need 50,000 vessels. 50,000 vessels is
counterproductive.
> Force Meat Grinder consisting of nine hundred and ninety seven ships
> commanded by Admiral Hal "Death" Knox, and Task Force Saving Grace
> consisting of Picard's Enterprise, Sisko's Defiant, and Janeway's
> Voyager.
Non-SODwise: This doesn't accentuate the bravery of Starfleet's crews at
all. Even if they won using the power of treknobabble, this force ratio
does not show the audience how mighty and dangerous the Imperial
warships are (and thus Picard and co were so great to save Earth from
them.) It is more likely that the Imperials would be represented by one
ISD, which has the power to destroy Borg cubes on a whim.
<snip>
> "diversionarialogoy attack" as expected--in approximately
> 3.1415926535897932384626433832795 seconds. Picard says something
> about the horror of war and orders Enterprise, Defiant and Voyager to
Both: Well, that's realistic.
> close against the Imperial line using the inverted phase subspace
> veteron cloak somebody installed for no reason two weeks earlier.
Non-SODwise: Actually, even if they are going to do something that
stupid, they are going to invent it, like your bit of treknobabble
below.
> Admiral Janeway, who for some reason is still in command of Voyager,
> lets loose with a cubically squared tetrionic flux capacitating
> tachyon stream of gravimetric neutrino emissions focused into a
> temporally spatial beam configuration devised in two minutes by Paris
> and B'Elana with the help of their bio-neural gel pack supercomputer,
> thus, as Data reports to Picard, blinding 99.8394493484% of the
> Imperial's sensors ability.
SODwise: You'd have to prove that contention that some randomly created
treknobabble would work against people with thousands of years of tech
lead.
> Riker then beams aboard the Death Star with some Starfleet Marines.
SODwise: Considering the vulnerability of transporters, this won't work.
Non-SODwise: I have no doubt that being stupid Star Trek writers, they
are not going to care about the horrible track record of the
transporters versus heavy metals, jamming (some of which are now created
by your beloved heroes) and shielding. But they are also not going to
pass up the chance to invent some treknobabble. Even after that, half
the Starfleet Marines (are you referring to those redshirt crewmen that
tried and failed to stop the Borg in ST:FC?) would fail to transport and
die, creating yet another chance for an emotional scene.
> Though most of his men are killed by Stormtroopers with a better grasp
> of small unit tactics than their Federation counterparts, Riker uses
Both: That's good.
> his well honed skill of finding cover behind conveniently placed,
> phaser and blaster-proof canisters to sneak behind the bad guys. He
Both: This won't happen, not even in a film. James Bond / Rambo style 1
vs a million gets old really fast.
> stuns them all and moves into the Emperor's private chambers. He
> knocks Palpatine upside the head with that double-fisted technique he
Both: It won't happen.
SODwise: Palpatine would Force-lightning him
Non-SODwise: The simple truth is that Riker is not of the grade to
perform this miracle. For suitability, Data or Worf or Picard would be
up, NOT Riker. Letting him do it is almost as bad as letting a redshirt
do this job.
> configures his tricorder to do the mother of all hacks in order to
> destablize the containment field around the hypermatter core. They
> beam back to Enterprise and the Death Star, which as far as the writer
> is concerned was still a few seconds away from letting loose with its
> superlaser, goes kaboom.
This is going to be the height of lousy writing. You do realize if such
hacks are likely to work, R2D2 would have executed them.
> Meanwhile on Defiant, Worf is getting a hard on while easily evaiding
> massed laser fire from all nearby Imperial warships while using the
> Sisko Alpha One Beta Syphilis Gamma manuever. Chief O'Brien realizes
> that the Empire doesn't vary their deflector shield frequencies at
> all--probably because the Imperials probably see such neato tricks as
> little more than pseudoscientific claptrap in their Galaxy--and
> quickly plugs the phase invariance into the computer of a single
> quantum torpedo. Sisko orders Worf to fire. Kira curses the
> Cardassians who enslaved her people. Executor's shields are DOWN!
SODwise: You created this with no proof.
Non-SODwise: You just wasted a chance to do a great, glorious RAMMING
ATTACK to accomplish the same thing more dramatically. Instead, you just
fed the audience, already saturated with Treknobabble MORE Treknobabble.
> Moff Shokd, realizing that all his personal competence and immense
> firepower is no match for Federation gimmickery, manages to escape
> Executor seconds before Defiant overwhelms the Super Star Destroyer's
Both: They are not likely to let him escape.
<snip>
> As you can see, the Empire is no match for Starfleet's most brave,
> clean and reverant officers.
Only in a lame film created by someone that makes B&B look good :-)
Dalton
--
Rob "Uncle Roby" Dalton
http://daltonator.net
"'Impossible' is a word people use to make themselves feel
better when they give up." - Vyse - Skies of Arcadia
Dalton
Kazuaki Shimazaki
news:brp8jh$60g0e$2...@ID-108940.news.uni-berlin.de...
> Hook, line and sinker.
I had an awareness of that. Don't worry. And since when did anyone
mandate that supposedly funny (and honestly I don't think it was all
that funny) posts must be answered by appreciation of its humor
(especially when it wasn't all that humorous in the first place.)
Commander Raynor RayCav
I feel generous today. So I won't plonk you.
Commander Raynor RayCav
wrote:
>Hook, line and sinker.
My thoughts exactly.
Rev Prez
>
> Depending on how we choose to view it, the below is:
> 1) A very lame joke, or
> 2) Trolling.
You're a humorless bastard, aintchya?
Rev Prez
Kazuaki Shimazaki
I would like to think that I have some sense of humor, but I honestly
did not find your joke all that funny. Sorry.
Dalton
What's that scraping sound?
Oh, it's the stick in Kaz's ass scraping across the floor.
MKSheppard
>Oh, it's the stick in Kaz's ass scraping across the floor.
Don't be so mean to Kaz, he's the only one who gives our fics the work over they
deserve, and actually comments on the little touches we put in there for him. :-P
Chuck
> Kazuaki Shimazaki wrote:
> > "Rev Prez" <rev...@mit.edu> wrote in message
> > news:fdb9ba3a.03121...@posting.google.com...
> >
> >>"Kazuaki Shimazaki" <kazuaki_...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> >
> > news:<brp4sk$5qdr3$1...@ID-144261.news.uni-berlin.de>...
> >
> >>>Depending on how we choose to view it, the below is:
> >>>1) A very lame joke, or
> >>>2) Trolling.
> >>
> >>You're a humorless bastard, aintchya?
> >
> >
> > I would like to think that I have some sense of humor, but I honestly
> > did not find your joke all that funny. Sorry.
>
> What's that scraping sound?
>
> Oh, it's the stick in Kaz's ass scraping across the floor.
>
sense? It would make it impossible to sit in front of the computer like I
obviously am if I had put a stick in my ass. What's more, if it's making a
scraping sound it would probably have to be some kind of metal stick, or at
least metal tipped. Why exactly I would go to that much trouble....
[12 kilobytes later]
...in short, you should probably rethink this. Or was this just a bit of
trolling?"
Chuck
Commander Raynor RayCav
wrote:
Ah, Kazuaki Shimazaki, what would we ever do without him? :)
Seriously, I'm at least glad we have him.
Commander Raynor RayCav
wrote:
>Kazuaki Shimazaki wrote:
>> "Rev Prez" <rev...@mit.edu> wrote in message
>> news:fdb9ba3a.03121...@posting.google.com...
>>
>>>"Kazuaki Shimazaki" <kazuaki_...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
>>
>> news:<brp4sk$5qdr3$1...@ID-144261.news.uni-berlin.de>...
>>
>>>>Depending on how we choose to view it, the below is:
>>>>1) A very lame joke, or
>>>>2) Trolling.
>>>
>>>You're a humorless bastard, aintchya?
>>
>>
>> I would like to think that I have some sense of humor, but I honestly
>> did not find your joke all that funny. Sorry.
>
>What's that scraping sound?
>
>Oh, it's the stick in Kaz's ass scraping across the floor.
HEY! Where's the insult about excessive plonking directed at me? :p
His Divine Shadow
> Star Trek: The New New Generation Featuring Voyager
I would have changed channels around 40 minutes ago, concession accepted.
Oh and I would rename Task Force Meatgrinder to Task Force Eunuch.
Dalton
Kaz has gotten a lot better since he first came here. But that doesn't
mean we don't still abuse him :)
Commander Raynor RayCav
You mean Task Force Paul Jacques, right? Or, wait a minute...it can't
be possible for someone to be a eunuch if he's nothing but a giant
impotent penis, right?
Björn Paulsen
prophecy while in the throes of religious ecstasy:
> Commander Raynor RayCav wrote:
>> On Thu, 18 Dec 2003 05:20:22 GMT, rrc...@yahoo.com (MKSheppard)
>> wrote:
>>
>>
>>>On Wed, 17 Dec 2003 23:30:52 -0500, Dalton <dalto...@hotmail.com>
>>>wrote:
>>>
>>>
>>>>Oh, it's the stick in Kaz's ass scraping across the floor.
>>>
>>>Don't be so mean to Kaz, he's the only one who gives our fics the
>>>work over they deserve, and actually comments on the little touches
>>>we put in there for him. :-P
>>
>>
>> Ah, Kazuaki Shimazaki, what would we ever do without him? :)
>>
>> Seriously, I'm at least glad we have him.
>
> Kaz has gotten a lot better since he first came here. But that doesn't
> mean we don't still abuse him :)
Rob, pull the stick out of Kaz's ass right this instant! You can't abuse
him all night, he has to sleep in order to recuperate...
...GENTLY, Rob. And staunch that blood flow.
--
Björn
Björn Paulsen
*plonk*
Oh, wait, that was just the sound of my head hitting the keyboard. Dammit,
I need to sleep more.
--
Björn
Wayne Poe
"Dalton" <dalto...@hotmail.com> wrote
> What's that scraping sound?
>
> Oh, it's the stick in Kaz's ass scraping across the floor.
You've been hanging around Kynes, haven't you? Oh, and "FUQ"!
Dalton
Aww, you're no fun anymore.
Commander Raynor RayCav
wrote:
>Björn Paulsen wrote:
>
>> On 18 dec 2003, Dalton <dalto...@hotmail.com> fashioned following
>> prophecy while in the throes of religious ecstasy:
>>
>>
>>>Commander Raynor RayCav wrote:
>>>
>>>>On Thu, 18 Dec 2003 05:20:22 GMT, rrc...@yahoo.com (MKSheppard)
>>>>wrote:
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>On Wed, 17 Dec 2003 23:30:52 -0500, Dalton <dalto...@hotmail.com>
>>>>>wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>Oh, it's the stick in Kaz's ass scraping across the floor.
>>>>>
>>>>>Don't be so mean to Kaz, he's the only one who gives our fics the
>>>>>work over they deserve, and actually comments on the little touches
>>>>>we put in there for him. :-P
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Ah, Kazuaki Shimazaki, what would we ever do without him? :)
>>>>
>>>>Seriously, I'm at least glad we have him.
>>>
>>>Kaz has gotten a lot better since he first came here. But that doesn't
>>>mean we don't still abuse him :)
>>
>>
>> Rob, pull the stick out of Kaz's ass right this instant! You can't abuse
>> him all night, he has to sleep in order to recuperate...
>>
>> ...GENTLY, Rob. And staunch that blood flow.
>>
>
>Aww, you're no fun anymore.
Don't worry, Dalton, I'm still here ;)
Enigma
news:vds3uvk50r5ps676p...@4ax.com...
Not giant but small, shrivelled, crooked and wiggles uncontrollably.
John Hansen
<brrdmh$6l3c6$1...@ID-64862.news.uni-berlin.de> on Wed, 17 Dec 2003 23:24:33
-0600...
Bwahahah. Now *this* is FUQ-worthy ;)
--
AIM: johanragle ][ YIM: crayz9000 ][ ICQ: 191070900 ][ HTTP: foobar.homelinux.net
Reply to crayz9000 |at| phreaker |dot| net
Björn Paulsen
prophecy while in the throes of religious ecstasy:
> Björn Paulsen wrote:
>
>> On 18 dec 2003, Dalton <dalto...@hotmail.com> fashioned following
>> prophecy while in the throes of religious ecstasy:
>>
>>
>>
>> Rob, pull the stick out of Kaz's ass right this instant! You can't
>> abuse him all night, he has to sleep in order to recuperate...
>>
>> ...GENTLY, Rob. And staunch that blood flow.
>>
>
> Aww, you're no fun anymore.
That's because I was in Germany.
And in pain.
--
Björn
Matt Huang
But then shouldn't you be massively drunk? Or is this the hangover?
>
> And in pain.