COR: [MiSTing] "Trials and Tubby-lations" [Teletubbies/VOY/X-Files] [6/8]
Matthew R Blackwell
[The Tubbies are marching around the Bridge, singing a song.
Unforunately, the song seems to consist only of the words,
"Teletubbies!" The Tubbies don't seem to mind though. The
same can't be said of Mike, Crow, and Tom, who stand
behind the Tubbies, aghast.]
Tubbies: o/~ Teletubbies! Teletubbies! o/~
[The Tubbies continue to march and sing.]
Crow: Wow.
Tom : Yeah.
Crow: This is bizarre.
Mike: Have either of you two ever ridden the "Small World"
ride?
[The Tubbies begun to sing a Tubby version of "It's a
Small World After All."]
Crow: No.
Tom : Me neither.
Mike: It's a lot like this.
Tom : Still, it is fairly "exciting."
[Crow and Mike stare at Tom for a moment.]
Crow: Tom, we're going to shun you again.
[Mike and Crow step over to the left side of the Bridge.
The camera follows.]
Crow: So, how long are we going to suffer through this?
Mike: Probably until the next Tubby sign.
Crow: And if Tubby sign never comes?
Mike: Well, I had a friend who was once trapped on the
Small World ride for six hours. When he came out,
he'd forgotten how to eat solid foods.
Crow: Great. Can I go warm up my chainsaw, just in case?
[The camera pulls back, and we see that the Castle Light
is flashing. ]
Mike: Let's see what Pearl wants first.
[Mike hits the light.]
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl stands in the foreground, still clad in fatigues.]
Pearl: Hello again, Mike. Those children's show people
are still besieging us here and well, it's really
getting on my nerves. I'm even beginning to consider
things that I really shouldn't...
[SoL]
Mike: You mean, like letting us down from here?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [Laughing] Yeah, right. [Sobering up] No, I mean, I
agreed to one of Bobo's suggestions. I'll let him tell
you about it. I'm going to wash my hands. I feel
unclean, somehow.
[Bobo walks into view.]
Bobo: Hello Mike! I had a thought the other day. "Say!" I
said, "We've sent Mike hundreds of these stories and
he's never broken down yet. Maybe he's become immune
to bad entertainment..."
[SoL]
Mike: So, since I'm immune, you'll be letting me down then,
right?
[Castle Forrester]
Bobo: [Laughing] Oh, suuure Mike. No, I thought, since you're
immune, maybe we should try to break people before they
become adults. And when the Tubbies showed up, bingo.
Perfect test subjects. So, we're going to send them
into the theater.
[SoL]
Crow: You fiend!
Mike: Have you not an ounce of human decency left in you?
Tom : [O.S.] Shake it, Po!
Mike: [To Crow] Go sedate him, or something.
Crow: I'll get the clown hammer.
[Crow exits to the right.]
[Castle Forrester]
Bobo: [Puzzled] Mike, I'm not human, remember? I am a
Mountain Gorilla! Proud descendent of Chi...
[The camera pulls back to show Observer and Pearl glaring
at Bobo.]
Bobo: Oops. Heh-heh. Anyway, off to the theater, Tubbies!
[SoL]
Mike: Um, they've got Tubby sign. I guess.
[The lights flash, and the Tubbies stumble off into the theater.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[The Tubbies shamble into the theater and sit down in the aisle.
After a moment or two, Mike's silhouette appears in the theater
and guides the Tubbies into the seat. Mike exits, and the
text begins to scroll.]
>(Nature documentary guy voice)
>
>Today,we will be examining
Dipsy: Zaminin!
> the televisius tubbarius. Better known as
>Tele-tubbies.
All : Eh-oh Tubbies!
> Here in their natural evirons
T-W: Where evons?
> of a make believe
>world,the tubbies need no natural defenses
Po: Heh-heh! Phences!
> as there are no predators
>here.
All : Eh-oh pedaters!
[The scene quickly shifts to Castle Forrester, where Pearl and her
associates are watching the experiment with looks of horror on
their face.]
Pearl: [To Bobo, angrily] They're riffing the story!
Observer: Not very well though.
Bobo: No, they're not riffing it! They think that the Tubbies
on the screen are actual Tubbies! Give it a chance, Lawgiver!
[Pearl stares at Bobo for a long moment, then speaks.]
Pearl: All right. We'll give it a few more minutes.
[Back to the theater.]
> As you can imagine,
Laa Laa: 'Magin!
> a good predator could make quick work of
>these overly cute abominations.
All: Eh oh!
> And,as otherwise we would be forced to
>watch their happy care-free lives,
Po: Pappy air-fee 'ife!
> we have introduced such a predator.
Laa-Laa: 'Oey 'Utteyfuto!
>The bengal tiger.
Dipsy: Eh-oh! Iger!
> Here we see the tiger
Po: Eh-oh! Iger!
All : Eh-oh! Iger! Iger!
[The shouts of 'Eh-oh! Iger, Iger, Iger!' continue, drowning out the
narration.]
[Castle Forrester.]
Pearl: Bobo!! End this fiasco! NOW!
Bobo: Yes Lawgiver.
[Back in the theater, Mike appears and shoos the Tubbies out of
the theater. The door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[The trio enters and sits.]
Mike: Well, a crossover.
Crow: I hope that the tubbies head over to Bear's house, and
Bear eats them.
>From usenet-199806171145.VAA27284=magna....@chaos.taylored.com Wed Jun 17
>06:45:57 1998
>Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative
All : Uh-oh.
Mike: Here comes the ballpeen hammers....
Crow: No, this might be an angst fic where Mulder's love for Scully is
tested after she begins to date a tubby.
Tom : Or a thrilling conspiracy arc episode where Mulder discovers
that one of the Tubbies is actually his transmogrified sister!
And another is what's his name, you know, the guy whose hat
Mulder has?
Mike: [Mumbling] I'd prefer the hammers to either of those options.
>Subject: A Teletubby X File *PG-13*1/1
>From: X-Files-Fanfic List <usenet-199806171145.VAA27284=magna.com.au@chaos.
>taylored.com>
>Date: 17 Jun 1998 11:45:57 -0000
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I did not write this.
Mike: But if a story has no author, how can it be written?
Crow: Ooh. How zen.
> This story was originally posted to the X-Files
> Fan Fiction mailing list.
Tom : The XFFFML. Providing Mulder-Scully angst to the wired community
since 1992.
> It was automatically posted to atxc by
> request of the author. Please send feedback to the author at the e-mail
> address in the message body.
Mike: Or you send the feedback to your local representative of the
conspiracy. They'll get it to the author. Bruha-ha-ha!!!!!!
> For more information about the mailing
> list, visit http://www.chaos.taylored.com/chaos/mailing-lists.html
Crow: Or visit your public library.
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
Mike: Wow. They're queuing up really early for "The Phantom Menace."
>
>
>I did not write this. I am merely posting it for a friend.
Tom: o/~ I'm just waiting on an e-mail. I'm just posting for a
friend. o/~
>Please direct all comments to her.
>
>%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
>
Crow: Wow. Percentage signs.
Mike: That's a new one.
Tom: AHHHH!!!!!! I can't riff percentage signs! NOOOOOO!!!!!!
Mike: Calm down! It's easy. Look! It's the 78 eyes of Su-Maru!
Tom: [pause] Okay, I'm calm, but now I'm disgusted at that
horrible riff.
Mike: Just as long as you're not screaming anymore.
>
>A Teletubby X File *PG-13*1/1
Crow: Join us as the Tubbies investigate disappearances near
the old Peacock place! It'll be really fun!
>Deslea R. Judd
>drj...@tig.com.au
Mike: Hey! She's Australian! Maybe I should speak some
of that Aussie lingo to make her...
[The bots turn to glare at Mike.]
Mike: [Quietly] Perhaps a little later then.
> drj...@catholic.org
>Copyright 1998
>
Tom : No, Father Time has copyright on 1998.
>DISCLAIMER
>
Tom : I have not, nor will I ever read the novels of Sutter Cane.
Crow: Thanks for sharing that.
>This work is based on The X Files, a creation of Chris Carter owned by him,
>Twentieth Century Fox, and Ten-Thirteen Productions; and the Teletubbies, a
>creation of Ragdoll Productions (UK) and BBC.
Mike: Although James Carville blames them on Ken Starr.
> Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa
>and Po remain the intellectual property of the latter parties and other
>characters remain the property of the former parties. They are used
>without their consent and without commercial gain.
>
Crow: Damn! I had plans for a great X-Files/Tubbies video game.
>Spoilers: None except for my son's television viewing habits.
>
Tom : Years later, this document became the root cause of the
collapse of the Judd coalition in Parliament.
Mike: Follow the leadership of a Tubby fan? Never!
>Category: Humour, XF/Teletubbies Crossover.
>
>Rating: PG-13 for mild language.
>
Crow: I'm beginning to suspect that Stone and Parker were
involved in the writing of this.
>Summary: The Teletubbies call Mulder for help finding their favourite
>things.
Mike: Mulder quickly finds the mittens and the raindrop-soaked roses,
but those kittens are murder!
> Mulder, thinking them strange alien creatures, drags Scully off to
>Teletubbyland to investigate. And what do Miss Omnipotent Writer, Tea
>Leoni, Samantha Fox, Toyah Wilcox and the M15 have to do with it all?
>
Tom: Er, nothing?
Mike: To find out how Encylopedia Brown solved the mystery,
turn to page 133.
>Fan mail is always appreciated!!!
Mike: You can send that fan mail to:
MST3K Info Club
PO Box 5325
Hopkins, MN 55343
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Sorry. Force of habit.
> My e-mail is drj...@tig.com.au or
>drj...@catholic.org. Archivists, feel free to add this to your
>collections; but be sure to let me know. This and my other stories may be
>found at http://homepages.tig.com.au/~drjudd (shameless plug).
>
>A Teletubby X File *PG-13* 1/1
Mike: And the titles begin again.
Crow: Maybe this is a crossover with "Prince of Darkness" too.
>Deslea R. Judd
>drj...@tig.com.au drj...@catholic.org
>Copyright 1998
>
> One day in Teletubbyland, the Teletubbies were playing with their
>favourite things.
[Silence]
Tom : Er, we're going to learn a lot more about the Tubbies'
reproductive systems than we ever really wanted to know,
aren't we?
Mike: I don't think so. This is a PG-13 story.
Crow: Have you seen what they get away with in PG-13 films these days?
All : Uh-oh.
> Tinky Winky had his nice red bag, Dipsy had his black
>and white hat, Laa-Laa had her beautiful big orange ball, and Po had her
>scooter.
Mike: Honor had a treecat.
Tom : Oliver had his Bannana 3000.
Crow: Gallagher has his big mallet and his watermelons.
Tom: Duncan had his sword.
Mike: Quinn had his portal.
Crow: Mike had his planet chunks.
Mike: You shush.
> But one by one, the Teletubbies' favourite things began to
>disappear. They looked //everywhere//, but their favourite things could
>not be found.
Mike: British toy manufacturers had stolen them for use as prototypes
in making cheap Tubbies merchandise for the kiddies.
> "Where bag?" Tinky Winky asked.
Mike: It's left at the gas station, then right at the second
intersection, go straight 20 miles, look for the McDonald's
billboard, you can't miss it.
> "Where hat?" Dipsy asked.
> "Where ball?" Laa-Laa asked.
Crow: I'm getting flashbacks to all of the incoherent fanfic that
we've ever read.
Tom : Check the credits again. I'm betting that SR's name might
show up.
> (At this point, the narrator's 20-month-old chimed in, "Ball!" and
>pointed at the ball madly, but that's neither here nor there).
Tom : Ooh. This is going to be odd on a meta level too.
Crow: Then the 20-month-old pointed at the philodendron and chimed
in... well, you get the idea.
> "Where cooter?" Po asked, for she could not say 'scooter'.
Mike: As she had a malformed septum.
> "Uh-oh!" the Teletubbies cried together.
Crow: For only by speaking in one voice can the workers be heard...
Mike: Please. Again with the "People United!" agenda? When will you
learn that the achievements of individuals are all that matter?
Tom : Can we postpone the meeting of the SoL Literary Journal until
later, please?
> (At this point, the narrator's 20-month-old chimed in, 'Uh-oh!' at
>a very high pitch).
Mike: I'll say! It was five feet over home base!
> "Never mind," Po said. "Big hug!"
Mike: The Tubbies had fallen under Leo Busalgia's evil sway...
> The Teletubbies hugged one another.
> (The narrator hugged her 20-month-old, mainly because that's the
>only way she could think of to animate the phrase "hugged one another").
Crow: Clinton and Lewinsky had the same problem.
> Teletubbies love each other very much.
Crow: Clinton and Lewinsky had...
Mike: Enough.
> (The narrator, who had just spent $15 on a Po stuffed toy for her
>20-month-old traitor to commercialism, said, "Pah!" under her breath).
Crow: See? It's the market's fault...
Tom : Don't start on that thread again either.
> Just the same, when the nice narrator didn't kick in with a quick
>easy solution, the Teletubbies got worried. Love's all very well, but you
>can't ride it.
Tom : Yep. You can't start it like a car, and you can't shoot it like
a gun either.
> At least not on a children's show. And you can't throw it.
Mike: [Mumbling] Tell that to my ex. She threw it in my face often
enough...
>At least not without a restraining order. I suppose you can wear or carry
>it with enough determination, but well, it just isn't the same.
Tom : Tell me about it.
> And when
>you're a boy who's into hats and bags, well, you have to get as much
>mileage out of your preschool years as possible before big people start
>telling you only girls can do that, making you resort to hiding in the
>closet with your nice clothes and accessories.
Crow: Unless you're RuPaul. Then it's the start of a good career.
> But then, Po had an idea. She picked up the Teletubbyphone and
>called an American number.
Tom : Specifically, she called 56. He'd been in California, laying
low until things blew over with 42 and 23.
> There was only one person who could help them
>now.
Crow: [Adam West] Yes, Comissioner Po? King Tut is attacking the
Egypt exhibit at the Gotham Dance Studios? We'll be right there!
> "Mulder."
Tom : Mulder, is that you?
Mike: Huh?
Tom : Sorry. Force of habit.
> "Eh-oh, Mu-dher. Me Po."
> "You're Po, you say?" Mulder asked, instantly on the alert. That
>voice wasn't human.
Crow: Granted, Mulder thought that about the pizza delivery guy too...
> "Me Po. Where cooter?"
Tom : [Mulder] Cooter? He's probably still in Hazard County, with
those Duke boys.
> //Hmm,// Mulder thought. //Me...where...the creature has some
>English, then.//
Mike: Mulder's in The Creature Has Some English, Then?
Crow: Isn't that near Manitoba?
> "You're looking for your cooter, Po?"
Mike: Something heard every weekend in Arkansas...
> The creature's voice became plaintive. "Where cooter?" she asked
>mournfully.
Crow: [Po] Verily, if mine cooter dost not be discovered quickly,
then I whilst surely goeth mad!
> "You want me to come help you find your cooter, Po?"
Tom : And they claim Mulder's slow.
> "There!" Po said with great satisfaction.
Mike: Then Po lit a cigarette.
Tom : Great Satisfaction wondered what Po was talking about.
> "There? You've found your cooter?" Mulder asked in confusion.
Mike: A state that Mulder's in quite a bit.
> "Where cooter?" she asked again plaintively.
Crow: [Po] I'm just going to keep asking you until you find it...
> "Does 'there' mean you //want// me to come and help?" he asked
>desperately.
Mike: [Mulder] I'm flailing here! Come on! Just one coherent
sentence! Please!!!!
> "There!" Po said again vigorously.
Tom : Po's practicing the power of positive thinking.
> "I'll be right there," Mulder said firmly, and hung up.
Mike: [Mulder] Wait. I have no idea where there is. Better *69 'em...
> In Teletubbyland, Po looked at the telephone in confusion.
>Normally people made her say "Bye!" four or five times and laughed when she
>kept popping up.
Crow: The people in Teletubbyland also found the "Earnest" films to be
highly amusing.
> Po started to cry.
> The narrator sighed and said, "Time for Po to go to bed."
Crow: [Po] Awww. Can I stay up until Pacific Blue's over?
> Po brightened. "Bye!" she cried, waving madly, and popped behind
>the phone.
Mike: [Po] Hey! Who left their sandwich back here?
> The narrator waited.
> Po popped up again. The narrator pretended to laugh.
Tom : It'd be so much easier if they'd just install a laugh track...
> "No," she
>chastised gently. "Time for Po to go to bed."
> Po waved again. "Bye!" she cried, and popped behind the phone.
> Po popped up again, but the narrator ignored her.
>
Mike: Just like she was ignoring Billy Idol.
Crow: Po didn't like that. Po snuck up behind the narrator,
grabbed a huge knife, and-
> Meanwhile, in Washington, Mulder slapped down a plane ticket in
>front of Scully. "Come on, Scully; we're going to Britain."
Crow: [Mulder] I'll be investigating reports of alien blancmanges at
Wimbleton.
Tom : [Mulder] Skinner wants us to protect the Spice Girls.
Mike: [Mulder] My one man show is opening in the Theater district,
and I'll need to make sure that Harvey Firestein gets me right.
> "Phoebe got an itch she wants scratched?" she asked, bored.
Tom : [Scully] Or does Rachel still have a crush on Ross? Or is
there a problem with Monica? Hmmm?
Crow: And just for variety, a distinct lack of exposition.
> She'd
>have filed her nails, but, well, it just doesn't do for an Agent to look
>like a secretary.
Mike: Right. Besides, secretaries make more money than FBI agents do.
> Besides, formaldehyde played havoc with polish anyway.
>Blasted autopsies.
Crow: Scully really should have become a dermatologist. She seems
to be much better suited for dermatology.
> Mulder gave her a baleful glare. "I just received a mysterious
>telephone call.
Mike: [Mulder] It appears to have been from a bunch of lovely ladies
who were just waiting for me to call. And it only cost me $1.99
a minute.
> I traced it to an unmapped region called Teletubbyland.
Crow: [Scully] So all its links were text based?
> A
>strange alien creature was asking for help in locating its cooter."
Tom : [Scully] [Pause] Mulder, have you been drinking Nyquil shooters
again?
> Resisting the temptation to ask either (a) how he knew where the
>region was, or that it existed, or its name, if it was unmapped,
Mike: Well, Teletubbieland does have an active ad campaign.
Tom : Come to Teletubbieland! You may not know where it is, but it's
really nice!
> (b) how he
>knew the creature was alien,
Crow: Simple. The Lone Gunmen have a dossier on the Tubbies.
> or (c) why on earth he kept following up on
>these mysterious phone calls which always meant a tiresome mytharc episode
>or three,
Crow: Or a movie that doesn't really explain a damn thing about the
blasted mytharc stuff. [mumbling] And then gets summarized
in the first five minutes of the season premiere...
> she demanded, "What the hell's a cooter?" Scully said 'hell'
>quite a bit to try and kill her prim and proper image, but she usually
>sounded more like someone who's just discovered the word and is trying it
>out. (In that sense, she had quite a bit in common with the Teletubbies,
>an insight she wouldn't have thanked the narrator for, who wisely kept it
>to herself).
Tom : Great! We've got blackmail material on the author now!
> "How the hell do I know?" Mulder demanded. Mulder said 'hell' a
>lot, too, so that Scully wouldn't look tougher than him; but considering
>this is a man who has been overpowered by every criminal on the East Coast,
Tom: At least he hasn't been Magic: The Gatheringed by every felon in
Los Angeles.
Crow: Or Star Trek CCG'd by all the petty thieves on the Gulf of
Mexico.
>including a man whose battlecry was 'You're a damn good-looking man',
Mike: And he got beaten up by Dr. Forrester too.
> he
>didn't have much success. (In that sense, he had quite a bit in common
>with Matthew on Newsradio,
Crow: Mulder had a crush on Bill McNeil too?
> an insight he wouldn't have thanked the narrator
>for, who wisely kept it to herself while congratulating herself on her
>tact).
Mike: The narrator went for running gags. In that sense, she had
quite a bit in common with one of the co-authors of this
MiSTing, an insight he will not thank me &*FOR*&!
[Mike leaps up from the theater chair.]
Crow: Hmm, wonder how that tack got there.
Mike: [rubbing his hinder] Yeah, I wonder.
[Mike cautiously sits down again.]
> Scully took a glance over the narrator's shoulder. "Hey, take a
>look at what this broad's writing about us!
Mike: [Scully] This lousy dame has me yappin' in 1930's slang! Ain't
that a corker?!
> Gimme that, Miss Omnipotent
>Writer. FILING MY NAILS? I have a million-dollar contract, and you think
>I do my own nails?"
> "That's Gillian, not Scully," the narrator corrected helpfully.
>"And they're acrylic infills, not nails," she added, tact forgotten.
> "That's IT!" Scully screeched.
Crow: Come on. That Steven King episode didn't have anything to do
with Pennywise.
> She stood back in a generic
>martial-arts pose, and the narrator belatedly remembered that Gillian
>Anderson did her own stunts. Which meant this was gonna HURT.
Tom : It also meant that certain members of the GAEB would have
paid big money to be in her place.
> She wrote hurriedly.
Mike: The spell checker would get lots of use tonight.
> The heroine stood there against the light, her burnished hair like
>copper set aflame. She looked like a Greek goddess, warlike, exquisite.
Crow: Ah. Kissing up. Our first line of defense When Hollywood
Attacks!
Mike: Next on Fox.
> Scully stopped, a sweet little smile on her face. "Really?" she
>asked, her cheeks a pretty pink.
> Encouraged, the narrator kept writing.
Tom : She had yet to have her spirit crushed by an unending series of
form rejection letters.
Mike: [mumbling] Damn that ten-thirteen Productions.
Crow: Mike, we warned you that they wouldn't want a script where
Mulder and Scully try to find out where your ex-girlfriend
is.
Tom : She's gone, and you're not getting that keyboard back.
Mike: Damn.
> Succumbing to her allure was so tempting...to kiss those full, red
>lips; to gaze deep into those azure eyes; to suck on those sweetly
>swelling-"
Tom : Surreally slowly stirring shivering simply slightly sticky-
Mike: Tom, people from the Alliteration Agency are here. They want
you to put down the beginning consonant.
> Scully spoke. "Uh...there's no need to overdo it."
> "To move lower, to descend into the valley of the goddess-"
> Scully gulped. "Don't go there, honey. That kinda action ain't
>in my contract."
Mike: To hell with that! Keep going!
Crow: [To Tom] We have to get him off this station. Or at least
get him a date.
Tom : [To Crow] How about one of those Russian mail order brides?
Crow: [To Tom] That could work. We'll talk later.
> The narrator shrugged. "Have it your way. Weren't you asking
>Mulder what a cooter was?"
> Scully turned to Mulder. "Yeah, what //is// a cooter?" (The
>narrator was starting to realise how Ed Jerse talked her into getting a
>tattoo so easily).
Tom : Two words: Peppermint schnapps.
> "I heard that," Scully hissed.
> "Don't ask me," Mulder shrugged. "Come on, we'll miss our flight."
> "No, we won't," Scully said confidently. She arched an eyebrow at
>the narrator in challenge.
Tom : So, you could say that she was...
Mike: No! No!
Tom: ... *browbeat*!
Mike: Aargh...
> "Uh...uh, no, you won't. Bon voyage!"
> The narrator returned to Teletubbyland with relief.
**continued**