COR: [MiSTing] "Trials and Tubby-lations" [Teletubbies/VOY/X-Files] [7/8]
Matthew R Blackwell
>and Scully to arrive. Tinky Winky was making Tubby Toast, Laa-Laa was
>tidying up, and Dipsy was looking out for their arrivals.
Tom : Po was out trying to score some crank.
> "Where Po?" Tinky Winky asked.
Mike: Have you tried Starbucks?
> "Where Po?" Laa-Laa asked.
Crow: How about the Gap? They just got some sweater vests in...
> "Where Po?" Dipsy asked.
Tom : You don't suppose that she's joined the cast of "Oh,
Calcutta!" do you?
> Behind them, Po walked in. "Eh-oh, Tinky Winky! Eh-oh, Dipsy!
>Eh-oh, Laa-Laa!"
Crow: [Po] Power to you, my chubby brethren!
> Tinky Winky, Dipsy and Laa-Laa turned around. "There Po!" they
>cried in unision. (The narrator wondered briefly if she should use the
>word 'unision' on a children's television show, but she figured if they
>could cope with 'Tinky Winky' they could cope with anything).
Crow: Why didn't they just use a saw?
[Mike *looks* at Crow.]
> They ran
>over and hugged Po.
Tom : Then they hugged Wlls, and then they hugged Vern.
> "Big hug!"
Mike: Yes. Yes it is.
> Teletubbies love each other very much.
Crow: Then why aren't there more of them?
> ("Pah!" the narrator said. Teletubbies can't read, and her
>20-month-old was asleep, so she could say what she liked).
> "Where Po?" Dipsy asked Po.
> Po had a vocabulary of perhaps twenty words, but she was able to
>convey with a variety of hand signals and sounds that she had been telling
>the rabbits in Teletubbyland not to panic if they heard the word 'Fox' in
>conversation.
Mike: It's a good thing the tubbies took that ASL class.
> "Oooooh!" said the Teletubbies. "Clever Po!"
Tom : How does Po know how to speak rabbit?
Crow: Well, Teletubbies love each other very much, so that's one
thing they have in common...
Tom : Well, that's-hey!
> (The narrator started to say something nasty, but thought better of
>it. She supposed a fabric-covered two year old who could dial America
>//was// pretty clever. She wondered with a chill whether //her// son could
>do that, and ran off to call the phone company).
Tom : So, she's going to casually call up the phone company and ask if
they've received any calls from her number to 1-800-BARNEYTOYS?
> Po spoke. "Oh, thank God she's gone.
Crow: [Po] Her aura was just, like, bumming me out!
> Now, how the hell are we
>gonna tell those FBI agents what's happening without her knowing?"
> Dipsy frowned. "We could set up a Scooby-Doo ending, where we
>corner her and make her confess."
Mike: Oh, so Mr. McGregor, the owner of the haunted amusement park,
was behind this whole thing?
Crow: Miiike, the story is riffing itself!
> Laa-Laa shook her head. "Nah, that idiot Mulder would go and
>confront her straight off. Isn't that what he always does with the bad
>guys? I mean didn't anyone ever teach him about not blowing his cover?
>Subtlety? Keeping hold of his gun?"
Crow: They covered that last one in health class.
Mike: Two words, Fox: Cold Showers.
> Tinky Winky chimed in, "Not mixing brown with green?
Tom : Damn. My fatigues are unfashionable!
> I mean, have
>you seen that guy's //ties//?" They turned to look at him, and he gave an
>embarrassed shrug. "Well?"
> "Well, considering you're purple with a triangle on your head and a
>red handbag, I don't see that //you// have room to talk," Po pointed out.
Mike: Apparently "Don't ask, don't tell" hasn't quite hit the BBC yet.
>"Shut up, you lot, she's coming back!"
> Tinky Winky bitched back, "This is all //your// fault! If you'd
>only dropped out of sight at the end of the eighties-"
Tom : Just like Bannanarama did?
> Po hissed, "Shut up!"
> The narrator settled down at her desk again to write. The
>Teletubbies were huddled together.
Crow: They were trying to figure out how to stop Terrell Davis.
> She frowned, and cleared her throat.
> Po jumped.
Crow: "T'ampoline!" said Po.
> "Big hug!" she said, too enthusiastically. "Big hug!"
Mike: [Po] Hug me! Hug me, dammit!
> Teletubbies love each other very much.
Tom : Not in public though. That's illegal in most states.
> The narrator groaned. "Yeah, all right, all right, knock it off.
>We have a case to solve. Where are all your favourite things?"
> "Where cooter?" Po asked, obediently.
Crow: Now go fetch, girl!
Mike: [Po] Arf! Ruff!
> "Where hat?" asked Dipsy plaintively.
Tom : Found it! Jamaraqui's wearing it right now.
> "Where ball?" Laa-Laa asked, doing a little spin and staring
>skywards, as though it might fall into her arms.
Tom : In other news, scientists today spotted an orange meteor,
falling towards Teletubbyland.
> "Where bag?" Tinky Winky whined.
> Just then, there was a loud knock at the door.
>
Mike: Hmm. Who can it be knocking at their door?
> Five minutes earlier, Mulder and Scully had walked into Teletubbyland.
> "Something's wrong," Mulder said in a deadly whisper. "It's quiet
>- too quiet.
All : [Sighing] *Too* , too quiet.
> I think it's a setup."
Tom : You know, whatever else you say about this author, she sure has
a handle on Mulder's character.
Mike: True.
> Scully rolled her eyes. "It's a peaceful clearing in the woods,
>Mulder."
> "It's too peaceful and the sun is too bright. The air is too
>clean. It's as though it's been - sanitised."
Crow: Oh, no! It's... THE SCRUBBING BUBBLES OF DOOM!
> Scully produced her sunglasses. They were gray-tinted and lightly
>frosted - she had had them made especially for Mulder. "Try these - you'll
>feel better."
> Mulder put them on, and a comforting gloomy haze descended.
>Everything was dark and spooky.
Crow: Ooh. Peril sensitive sunglasses.
> "You're right, Scully. I don't know what
>I was thinking." Scully wondered fleetingly whether Mulder himself was a
>vampire. He certainly couldn't cope with light, after all...and she didn't
>know where he slept, either. Could there be a coffin in his garage?
Tom : Shh! Don't disturb the material for a possible sequel!
> Dismissing these thoughts, she pointed to a low, wide hill.
>"Mulder, look!"
Mike: [Mulder] It's the missing copies of "Playing God"! [mumbling]
I thought that they'd all been burned...
> There was a strange, welded door built into the hill. Mulder ran
>towards it excitedly. "Look, Scully! It's an alien craft covered with
>grass!"
Mike: Wow! Now Scully can ignore her visual sighting of spacecraft
covered in grass *and* snow!
> Scully groaned. "Whatever you say, Mulder." She followed him,
>ready to rescue him from whatever scrape lay ahead of them. She drew her
>gun.
> The narrator intervened. "It's a G rated show!" she hissed. "Even
>if there's an alien in there, they won't be able to hurt you and get it
>past the censors! Put it away!"
Tom : Oh, Bill? You might want to pay attention to that last
sentence...
> Scully looked at Miss Omnipotent Writer mutinously, but complied.
> Mulder knocked on the door. "Open up! Federal Agents!"
> "Not in this jurisdiction," Scully said mildly.
>
Crow: Take *that*, plot contrivance!
> Po opened the door. "Eh-oh, Mud-her! Me Po!"
Tom : Julian Po, starring Christian Slater?
Crow: Wow!
> She threw her arms
>around him. "Big hug!"
> Teletubbies love sex symbols very much.
Crow: Oh, like O
+ ?
Mike: How did you... no, never mind.
> Laa-Laa stepped forward. "Eh-oh, Scu-ey! Me Laa-Laa!" She threw
>her arms around her. "Big hug!"
> Teletubbies love Greek goddesses very much.
Mike: Well, that explains why Persephone is over in the corner
reading a Cosmo, but why is Shiva in the broom closet?
> Scully gave the narrator a dirty look.
> Dipsy stepped forward. "Eh-oh, Mud-her! Me Dipsy!" He threw his
>arms around him. "Big hug!"
> Teletubbies love Tea Leoni very much, and this is the closest they
>can come to touching her.
> Mulder and Tea gave the narrator a dirty look.
Crow: So, what's the smile to dirty look ratio so far?
> Tinky Winky stepped forward. "Eh-oh, Scu-ey! Me Tinky Winky!" He
>threw his arms around her. "Big hug!"
> Teletubbies love midgets very much.
Tom : So does David Lynch. I'm not quite sure why.
> Scully bared her teeth at the narrator.
> The narrator was enjoying this immensely.
>
Crow: That's the good part of being an author... total power.
Mellie: True.
Jello: Yep.
Mike: I'm not going to ask.
> The Teletubbies bustled off, preparing Tubby Toast for their
>guests. Privately, the agents conferred.
Crow: They're offering Po $1.6 million to come back next season.
Tom : Any share of the profit?
Crow: .6% net.
Tom : Hrmph. If they don't change that to gross, then you take Po
right across the street to Disney. They'll pay her what she's
worth.
> "I couldn't see any zippers on those creatures, Scully," Mulder
>said quietly. Scully had just suggested they might be costumed humans.
All : Gasp!
Mike: Say it isn't so, Scully!
Tom : Of course, Scully did say the same thing about the aliens
in the film, the vampires, those cockroaches, Jose Chung...
> "Mulder, their so-called skins are made with commercially available
>synthetic fabrics! Their eyes appear to be of solid plastic and their
>noses have no obvious nasal membranes. Quite apart from the fact that they
>claim to be male and female but have no apparent sexual organs."
> Mulder had a sudden image of how a Teletubby might have sex and
>shuddered.
Crow: I'm guessing that slinkies, Toblerone and Ann Landers are
involved somehow.
> "G-rated show," the narrator reminded them.
Mike: Thankfully.
Tom : Hummina...
> "Well, Mulder," Scully continued, "this is not our jurisdiction.
>It seems to me that we should help them find their belongings as they've
>asked, and refer the rest of your speculations to the M15 for further
>investigation."
Mike: But they can't as that would totally derail the plot.
> Mulder shook his head. "Scully, I think this case is a ruse. I
>think they //want// to be investigated, or that someone wants us to
>investigate them - someone with control over this whole thing."
Crow: You mean Mike Ovitz?
> Scully gasped.
> Mulder gasped.
> "The //narrator//!"
Tom: What? Did she gasp too?
> The narrator shook her head.
Mike: Wait, I thought the Teletubbies narrator was a man.
Tom : Different person, I think.
> "'Fraid not, sweeties. I'm as in the
>dark as you. It was Po's idea to call you. You'll need to ask her.
>Personally, I think it's as simple as she says - they want their things
>back."
Tom : Oh, c'mon! It's the X-files! When is *anything* as it seems?
> Mulder thought quickly. "I know. We'll set up an ambush and see
>what's under that head of hers."
Mike: Probably a spine and some suddenly ruptured blood vessels.
> The narrator protested, "No - you can't do that - there are
>children who love these characters! You can't unmask them! It's-"
Tom : ...Monty Python's Flying Circus?
> Po walked in.
> Mulder lunged at her, sending her flying against the wall.
> Po said a word that you're not supposed to say on a G-rated show.
Crow: Antidisestablishmentarianism?
> Scully pulled off her head. It came with a soft, hollow 'pop!'
> (The narrator clarified here that Scully pulled off //Po's// head,
>not her own head).
Crow: [Sarcasticly] Oh, yeah, I see how you could get confused
about that.
> "I'll pull //your// head off in a minute, sweetie," Scully
>muttered. She turned to look at the woman whose head was sticking out of
>Po's body. She gasped with realisation.
Mike: Janet Reno?
> She and Mulder said the same, horrified word:
> "Toyah!"
>
[Silence]
Tom : Huh?
Mike: I think that's Australian for "skoal."
> Toyah Wilcox, that eighties pop sensation, nodded sheepishly.
Crow: Okay, we're still in the dark here. Who?
>"Yup," she said, "it's true."
> "Toyah Wilcox?" Mulder demanded. "Big orange hair, crap clothes?"
Tom : Come on! A song title! An album! Anything!
Mike: According to the 'net, she's appearing in "Jack and the
Beanstalk."
Crow: Oh, that's really helpful Mike.
Tom : Is that a TV show, a movie, or something performed by
Boulder's Dinner Theater?
Mike: I don't know.
> "G-rated show!" the narrator reminded. Scully gave her the finger.
> Toyah gave an embarrassed look. "Everyone had big hair and crap
>clothes in the eighties, Mulder. I saw Christmas Carol. Your Greek
>goddess here looked like a geek. And as for you in Unusual Suspects-"
> "Knock it off," Scully snapped.
Mike: Careful guys, it looks like that fourth wall's taking serious
structural damage here. It could go at any time.
> "What's going on?"
> Toyah sighed. "These are part of my entourage. Laa-Laa is my
>sister, Sally. Dipsy is her husband, Roy. Tinky Winky is my manager,
>Donnie. When the eighties were over, we were doing okay.
Crow: [Toyah] We'd invested in flannel, so we made out really
well when the grunge movement hit.
> We had some cash
>stashed, and we still did gigs at bars and clubs. It was fun. Our career
>was going down, but we did cover versions at our gigs and we were still
>popular. And we had a better reputation than Samantha Fox, of course."
> "Goes without saying," Scully snorted.
> "Then why did you have to say it?" Mulder asked, wounded. He liked
>Samantha Fox.
> Tea gave him a dirty look.
> Samantha Fox gave Tea and Toyah a dirty look.
Mike: All we need now is for the women from Total Coleco to show up,
and we'd have obscure girl band-o-rama going on right now.
> The narrator chucked both of them out. She wasn't going to pay
>them Equity rates for a day on set as an extra!
All : Waa, waa, waaaaa......
> Tea contacted her manager to discuss setting up a new comedy show,
>Tea and Toyah. Who cared if Miss Big Hair Crap Clothes had talent? The
>name would sell it, no problem.
Crow: She's right. It's already on UPN's fall schedule, just after
"Malcom and Eddie."
> Toyah continued. "Things were going swell. But then Miss
>Omnipotent Writer here came along." A tear fell down her cheek.
Mike: Cue the sad music...
Crow: Did Toyah write sad music? Come on! Throw us a bone here!
> "She said
>- she said people like us were the scourge of the late twentieth century.
Tom : They're lawyers?
>She said we were the people responsible for six earrings in one lobe, and
>shoulder pads, and racoon makeup, and blue hair, and frilled men's dress
>shirts.
Mike: So, Toyah's responsible for pirates then?
Crow: But I don't wanna be a pirate!
> I tried to explain about the seventies, and how we weren't raised
>to know any better, but she just - she wouldn't listen-" she broke down,
>weeping.
> The narrator stood up. "Oh, yeah, make me out to be the bad guy
>because I made you atone by providing a wholesome influence to a new
>generation.
Crow: In one story, they're wholesome. In others, they're porn stars.
Pick a description and stick with it!
> Right. I come along and you four are still polluting the
>world with your eighties crap in 1996! You people are //evil//, do you
>hear? Your civilisation could be so much more-"
Tom : I mean, look at this! The Carthaginians have automobiles now!
And you only control 8 of the wonders! You're never going to
get into the Hall of Fame at this rate!
> Mulder interrupted. "What did you say?" he asked cautiously. His
>hand was on his gun.
> The narrator fled.
> Scully turned to Toyah and her friends, each of whom had taken off
>their heads. "Did you build this house, or this - thing?" She pointed to a
>robot at their feet who was a cross between a dog and a vacuum cleaner.
Mike: Robo-Snuffleupagus arrived to lay down the law.
> Sally shook her head. "No, they were here when she brought us here."
> Mulder ran outside. There were lights overhead. He came back in.
Mike: So... why'd he run outside then?
Crow: Smoke break.
> "Run!" he shouted. "Get out, NOW!"
> Scully, showing incredible lack of sense, asked, "Mulder,
>what- why-"
Tom : [Scully] Who- when- where- how-!?
> "It's an alien craft, and the mother ship is here to take it home!
>Get out, all of you!"
> Toyah and Co. fled, and Scully did the same - mostly to get away
>from Robo-dog.
Crow: It'd be a tad crass to make a ref here about robo-dog and
Scully's leg, right?
Mike: Yep.
Crow: Just checking.
> And then the whole place exploded.
>
Tom : Chris Carter hastily decided that the next season actually took
place a year earlier.
> "Don't you see?" Mulder asked impatiently. "Miss Omnipotent Writer
>was really an alien being, sent to research the extent and limits of human
>potential on earth. When we caught her out, she blew up the evidence and
>left on the mothership."
Mike: Wow.
Tom : That's getting a bit out there.
Crow: [Mumbling] It's not as crazy as virus carrying bees, black goo,
Antarctic research stations, and FEMA.
> Scully sighed. "Mulder, don't you think it's more likely that she
>drove away after setting the explosion and that the lights overhead were
>M15 helicopters, alerted by Customs to our presence, wondering what we're
>doing in their jurisdiction?"
Tom : So, Teletubbyland is actually *in* England?
Mike: Yup. Didn't you see the episode of Doctor Who that was filmed
there?
Tom : Oh, right.
> "There's still one thing I don't understand," Mulder said, ignoring
>her. Logic was all very well, but you can have too much of a good thing.
>Scully could be such a drag sometimes.
Crow: Like, what-ever!
Mike: F'sure!
> "'One' thing?" Scully echoed. She waited for a nasty retort, then
>remembered the narrator was gone.
> "Where //were// all your favourite things?"
Tom : [Donnie] Some girl named Maria had 'em.
> Donnie spoke. "We burnt them." He shrugged. "Red was never my
>colour."
> Sally added, "And I was going to get a hernia bouncing that damn ball."
> Roy rejoined, "And that hat was more Sally's style than mine."
Mike: Although if he had just added a kicky scarf to that ensemble....
>They looked at Toyah expectantly.
> "Actually, I kinda liked that scooter. But they made me burn it."
> Scully frowned. "But why?"
Crow: To prove that it was a witch. Duh.
> "So we could call you in, of course."
> "What will you do?" she asked.
Mike: [Toyah] The BBC wants to keep the show on the air. They
said something about "Revenge for the Revolutionary War."
Tom : Moms of America! Put tinfoil in your kids' hats! NOW!
> Toyah shrugged. "Actually, I'm starting to like this stuff. I'm
>going to keep on being a Teletubby - but this time, for the right reasons."
Crow: [Toyah] I'm going to use this to kickstart my failing music
career!
> Donnie threw his arms around her. "Big hug!" he cried.
> Teletubbies love each other very much.
Tom : Especially after happy hour at the Teletubby Bar and Grill.
> Mulder and Scully said, "Pah!"
>
All : Pah!
> Mulder threw a friendly arm around Scully's shoulder. "You know,
>Scully, maybe there is benevolent life on other planets."
> "What do you mean?" she asked.
> He grinned. "Any lifeform that turns an eighties pop star into a
>children's icon can't be all bad."
Mike: Obviously, Mulder never saw the "Right Said Fred Hour."
> Scully laughed and put her arms around him. "Big hug!"
> Mulder crinkled his nose. "Pah!"
> Special Agents love each other very much.
Crow: Especially in 'shipper fics.
> And that's the end of the story.
>
Tom : o/~It's the ending... the ending... the ending...
the ending! o/~
>END
>
>
Tom: Doo doot, do doo doo doo...
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I did not write this. This story was originally posted to the X-Files
> Fan Fiction mailing list. It was automatically posted to atxc
Crow: I didn't know Incan gods liked the X-files.
> by
> request of the author. Please send feedback to the author at the e-mail
> address in the message body. For more information about the mailing
> list, visit http://www.chaos.taylored.com/chaos/mailing-lists.html
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
Tom : Well, that's it. Let's go.
Crow: I wonder what Pearl has in store for us next. A Teletubbies/
Dawson's Creek story?
Mike: Probably a Teletubbies/The Magnificent Ambersons crossover.
Tom : Whatever. We still need to deal with the real thing...
[The trio exits.]
**continued**