COR: [MiSTing] "Trials and Tubby-lations" [Teletubbies/VOY/X-Files] [4/8]

[Matthew R Blackwell]

> =/\=
>
>The holodeck was crowded when she arrived. It seemed like the entire
>off-duty crew had gathered to watch those damn teletubbies.

Mike: Well, with the NBA on strike, what else is there to do?
Crow: Teletubbies! It's Faaaantastic!
Tom : Start the season. Hurry.

> Possibly
>a few on-duty crewmembers as well, Kathryn thought, remembering the
>state of Engineering. As Neelix had said he would be, Tom was waiting
>with the rest of them, and after a moment Neelix walked in the door as
>well.
>
>Kathryn ducked around a group of people to avoid him - not that she
>had anything *against* Neelix as such,

Tom : Remember that line, folks.
Mike: Yep. She's be counting on you to testify on her behalf at
the Neelix murder trial.

> but she really didn't feel up
>to another conversation with him right now - and found herself next to
>Tom.
>
>"Eh oh," he said with a grin. "I was wondering when you'd come,
>Captain. I didn't think your curiosity would let you stay away for
>long."
>

Crow: Yep. We've crossed over into Mrs. Columbo land all right.

>Kathryn practically fell over. It was the first time in days she'd
>heard him use a complete sentence - let alone two sentences without
>a mention of a 'tubby'. Maybe this wasn't as out of hand as she'd
>thought.
>

Mike: Then the giant golden Tubby idol appeared.
Tom : Moses is going to be ticked off....

>But then a small chime sounded and she was almost deafened by a
>hundred ecstatic cries of "Time for teletubbies!" Music started to
>play, and she had to admit it was slightly catchy; the sort of music
>you could whistle along to or tap your foot.

Mike: [Janeway] Wow. So this is what peyote is like...

> A childish shrieking
>giggle from in front caught her attention and she tore her eyes away
>from Tom.
>
>It was, she decided, supposed to be a sun.

Mike: A sun?
Crow: Si.
Mike: What did it do?
Crow: Shine.
Mike: Shine?
Crow: Si.
Mike: Sigh.

> It had the face of a baby,
>and, although she normally adored children, for some reason she had
>an intense urge to blow this one out of the sky.

Mike: Wow. Janeway's actually following our lead for once!
Crow: Now, if she'd just start making sarcastic comments at
the tubbies.
All : [Whispering] Join us! Join us!

> A soft whispered
>chant traveled over the crowd: "Teletubbies teletubbies teletubbies
>teletubbies teletubbies teletubbies."
>

All : [Whispering] Freebird, freebird....

>"Over the hills and far away," a female voice announced. The chant
>grew more insistent. "Teletubbies come to play."
>

Tom : Tonight we're in for a treat, as the Tubbies' opponents are
the Detroit Redwings!
Mike: Yes, we're in for quite a game tonight! These two teams hate
each other.

>An oddly artificial looking hill came into focus, and one of the
>teletubbies shot out the top.
>
>"One," the voice declared.
>
>"One!" the teletubby and her crew repeated.
>

Crow: Then Cuba Gooding Jr. showed up and started tossing
out soft drinks to the crew.

>"Two." Another teletubby shot out of the hill.
>
>"Two!"
>

Tom : o/~ Three, four. Can I have a little more? o/~

>"Three."
>

Crow: Five, sir.

>"Three!"
>
>Kathryn winced slightly at the noise, but even if she decided to leave
>there was no way she'd be able to get through the crowd between her
>and the arch.

Mike: Hrrmph. Picard could have talked his way out of there.
Crow: And Kirk would have fought his way out of there.
Tom : And Sisko?
Crow: Sisko? He would have never gone in a holodeck to watch
the Tubbies in the first place. He's too cooool for that.

> The teletubbies were peering into the hole in some
>consternation, although it was hard to tell when they wore nothing but
>the same idiotic grins.
>

Mike: So, they looked like flight attendants then?

>"Four," the voice finally announced, and a blue teletubby shot out of
>the hole amidst shouts of encouragement from the crowd.
>
>"Four! Four! Teletubbies!!!"
>
>"Go Tinky Winky," Tom cheered.
>

Crow: Go go Tinky Winky! Mighty Morphing Tinky Winky!

>Kathryn rolled her eyes. So much for not being that bad. This was
>pure drivel.

Tom : Still, it was better than "Baywatch Nights."

> Give it a chance, she reminded herself sternly.
>
>The teletubbies rushed around five bronze periscopes which were
>announcing, "Time for teletubies! Time for teletubbies! Time for
>teletubbies! Time for teletubbies!"
>
>The music picked up and the same voice began to sing.

Mike: Tsk. I can't believe that Stevie Nicks was so hard up for
money that she took a role in this fic.
Crow: We all have to eat, Mike. Well, Tom and I don't need to,
but you get the idea.
Tom : Yeah Mike. I mean, I'm not proud of that time I spent as a
Denuvian pudding lizard wrangler, but you don't hear me
complaining about it.
Mike: [pause] Tom, someday we need to talk about what exactly
you did while you were away.

>
>"Tinky Winky."
>
>The blue teletubby echoed him, "Tinky Winky!"
>
>"Dipsy."
>
>"Dipsy," the green one repeated.
>
>"Laa Laa."
>
>"Laa Laa!"
>
>So the red one must be... "Po."
>

Mike: Blue, red, yellow, green. They're a Twister board
come to life.

>"Po!"
>
>"Teletubbies. Teletubbies. Say hello!"
>

Tom : Hello...
Crow: Hello...
Mike: Hello....
All : Hello!
Mike: I guess that Laa Laa is the Curley Joe of the Teletubbies.

>"Eh oh!" the teletubbies obediently chorused, and Kathryn winced.

Mike: She remembered that tonight was the very special, "Tubbies
teach about enemas" episode.

>Well, now she knew where *that* particular expression came from. She
>stifled a groan as the music began to repeat and used the time to
>analyse the teletubbies.
>
>It seemed that the blue one and the green one - also the two larger
>ones; what a coincidence - were the males.

Crow: They were the Tubbies that never asked for directions.

> Aggressive, too, from the
>way they were charging at each other, although Laa Laa and Po were
>copying them.

Tom : Let's watch as they all jump off a bridge.

> If they didn't bounce off each other's stomachs like
>that they could do some real damage.
>

Mike: And if they were armed with phaser rifles, they could also
do some real damage.

>A moment later another annoying expression was explained as the
>teletubbies gathered for a '*biiig* hug!' before rushing off.
>
>A periscope rose slowly. "Where have the teletubbies gone?"
>

Tom : o/~And who's that deadly piper, who leads them away? o?~

>"Who cares?" Kathryn wanted to ask,

Crow: That's the spirit!
All : Join us! Join us!

> but bit it back.

Crow: Damn.
Mike: We were so close.
Tom : Well, back to the subliminals.
All : [Whispering] Join us. Join us.

> Now was not the
>time.
>
>The sun burbled. Rabbits chewed grass. The hills just sat there.
>

Mike: And Godot had yet to appear.

>The scene switched to the interior of a large room. The red 'tubby
>stood by herself, grin still firmly attached. "Eh oh!"
>
>"Eh oh!" the crew replied enthusiastically.
>

Crow: [Po] The time has come for our troops to march into the
Rheinland! Eh oh!
Mike + Tom: Eh oh! Eh oh!

>"One day in teletubby-land, Po went to sleep in Tinky Winky's bed,"
>the singer/periscope explained.
>

Tom : That was a Melrose plot from last season.

>"Po sleep Tinky Winky bed," Po repeated, and spent the next five
>minutes doing just that, giggling often and producing an odd honk
>when she sat that startled Kathryn into visibly flinching.

Tom : Odd. The Klingons make the exact same noise when they sit down.

> A vacuum
>cleaner wandered around aimlessly, making 'zheep zheep' noises to
>itself.

[The bots turn to stare at Mike.]
Mike: What?
Crow: Mike? You didn't...?
Mike: No! I didn't build another robot!
Tom : Mike....
Mike: I swear I didn't build another robot!

> Po sighed contentedly, several times, and began to snore.
>

Crow: Hey! Roll onto your side, Po!

>Kathryn studied the crew while she waited for something interesting to
>happen. They all sat or stood, completely riveted to the action - or
>lack thereof -

Mike: They must be watching C-SPAN.

> in front of them, their expressions reminiscent of the
>puppets-on-acid grins of the teletubbies themselves.
>

Mike: Which, by the way, was reminiscent of the puppet-on-acid grin
of Balok from "The Corbomite Manuever."

>Three voices singing announced the return of the other teletubbies.

Tom : Hanson makes a special guest appearance in the fanfic.

>They walked through the door cheerfully, greeted the crew with a loud
>"Eh oh!" and waited for instructions.
>

Crow: [Laa Laa] Okay Dipsy, you go and calibrate the magnetometer!
Tinky, find me a mackerel! A big one! I'll go and try to
discover what the Ph level of our water is! Let's go!

>"Tinky Winky, Dipsy and Laa Laa wanted to go to sleep."
>

Crow: So, Dipsy downed a bottle of Nyquil. Within weeks, she was
downing cough sryup like it was water.
Tom : Coming soon on Lifetime, "Eh-oh. Me D.: Portrait of an addict."

>"Oh," said one of the teletubbies, in apparent enlightenment. "Go to
>s'eep." They chorused the phrase for several minutes, emphasising it
>with overacted yawns and stretches, while the vacuum cleaner looked
>on with a worried non-expression. They lined up in front of the beds,
>managing not to notice that Po was already asleep in Tinky Winky's.
>

Mike: They also failed to notice the presence of a large pile of dead
rats in the corner.

>"Laa Laa went to sleep," the voice narrated. The yellow 'tubby looked
>surprised for a moment, almost blushing at the 'honour' as the other
>two turned to look at her.
>

Tom : [Dipsy] Should we tell her about the spinach in her teeth?
Crow: [TW] Nah. It'll take care of itself.

>"Sleep, sleep," she murmured, and sat with a honk. "Sleep."

Tom : SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP?

> She
>pulled a silver, almost Starfleet-issue sheet over herself and started
>snoring immediately.
>

Mike: We should send them some nasal strips.

>Tinky Winky looked about to object as the voice said, "Dipsy went to
>sleep," then apparently thought better of it.
>

Crow: [TW] Heck, I'll just kill him first.

>Kathryn suddenly realised they were going to go through this *three
>times*.

Tom : Math is not Kathryn's strong suit.

> She started mentally revising the reports she'd been studying
>earlier while Dipsy 'went to sleep' with the attention to detail of a
>thousand Vulcans.

Mike: Meaning that every seven years, Dipsy tried to shag like a
crazed mink.

> Eventually Tinky Winky tried to go to bed and
>discovered Po already there. The ever-present narrator announced a
>solution, which Tinky Winky promptly repeated.

Tom : [Narrator] Kill them all. Let the streets run red with their
blood.
Mike: [TW] Kill 'em ull! S'eets 'un 'ed w'th b'ood!

>
>"Hooray! Tinky Winky s'eep in Po bed! Yay! Tinky Winky s'eep in Po
>bed!"
>
>"No need to sound so thrilled about it," she muttered. "Talk about
>underage--" She subsided at Tom's look,

Crow: Thank you, Tom.
Tom : Huh?

> though less from repentance
>than incredulity that he, of all people, didn't see the subtext
>himself.
>

Mike: You'd think that Paris' huge collection of porn would help
him figure it out.
Crow: Go fig.

>Po's bed being about half the size of Tinky Winky himself, the large
>blue teletubby - predictably - didn't fit.

Tom : It might be a hide-a-bed.

> He spent five minutes
>describing the dilemma, and another five trying to find somewhere to
>sleep, all to no avail. The table was too hard, the slide was too
>slippery - no wonder, Kathryn thought, when he tried to sleep halfway
>up it - and just when all the possibilities had been exhausted, Po
>woke up. How convenient.
>

Crow: Janeway is, after all, an expert in convenient timing.

>"Eh oh!"
>
>"Eh oh, Po!"
>
>"Eh oh, Tinky Winky!"
>
>You've already *said* that, Kathryn thought impatiently.
>

Tom : Yeah! Have someone punch up the script already!

>"*Big* hug," Po suggested. Tinky Winky repeated the statement and Po
>hugged the blue teletubby's legs. Well, perhaps the height difference
>wasn't quite that bad, Kathryn conceded, but it was still ridiculous.
>

Mike: Just like Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley.
Tom : Good Mike. Use a ten-year-old reference.

>"Bye-bye, Tinky Winky!"
>
>"Bye-bye, Po!"
>

Crow: Bye-bye Vladimir Horwitz! Bye-bye Gwen Stefani! Bye-bye Louis
Freed!

>The little red 'tubby scampered off looking ridiculously pleased with
>herself - what had *she* been dreaming about, Kathryn wondered - and
>muttering something that sounded like "Potty, potty!"
>

Mike: Wakko? Is that you?

>Tinky Winky climbed into bed, rolling from one side to the other until
>the sheet was tucked neatly between his legs where it rubbed with
>every movement. This was becoming half drivel, half pornography.

Crow: What would be a good porn movie name for the tubbies? Hmm...
Ooh! The Ti...
Mike: No.

> As
>the narrator said, Tinky Winky was "*very* comfortable."
>

Tom : It must be a craftmatic adjustable bed.

>Just when she thought she'd have to sit through another ten minutes of
>snoring, self-pleasuring teletubbies, the scene switched back to the
>rabbit-infested hill outside. Kathryn remembered her grandfather's
>Welsh rabbit with a wistful sigh and ducked as a pinwheel suddenly
>started showering jagged pink projectiles in all directions.
>

Crow: Next on Fox, it's "When Pinwheels Attack!"

>Tom plucked one out of the air and presented it to her with a flourish
>that suggested some kind of sleight-of-hand. "Eh oh, Captain!"
>
>She accepted it hesitantly. "Um... Eh oh, Tom."
>

Tom : Oh, fine. Now you talk to me! I've riffed and I've riffed and
I've riffed in an effort to get you to notice me, and you've
ignored me! And *now* you expect me to talk with you?! Well,
it doesn't work that way, missy! [Tom begins to sob.]
[Mike and Crow stare at Tom for a moment.]
Mike: [To Crow] This is like that Creepygirl obsession you were
telling me about, right?
Crow: [To Mike] Yep.

>He grinned as if to say, "That wasn't so hard, now, was it?" and
>turned back to the holograms.
>

Mike: Jem was just warming up to start her set.

>The teletubbies had emerged from their home inside the hill and were
>waving their legs in the air, giggling. As Kathryn watched, the grey
>squares on their stomachs took turns glowing blue for a second or two,
>inspiring shrieks of laughter. Evidently the teletubbies were very
>ticklish.
>

[Tom stops sobbing and looks up at the screen.]
Tom : I know. Heh, heh, heh.
Mike: Tom, you're creeping us out again.

>Suddenly they all stood and rushed to the top of the hill they were
>on, standing happily in height order. The biggest teletubby's stomach
>activated again, the inverted triangle attached to his head glowing
>at the same time. He thrust his pelvis forward with a suggestive leer
>then the shine passed to the next-tallest teletubby.
>

Crow: Okay, so the shine is an STD. Got it.

>After each 'tubby had done its suggestive best, they started again at
>the beginning of the line. This time Tinky Winky's stomach stayed
>grey and instead he declared "Tinky Winky!" in the sort of tone that
>needed no other words. Come and get it, baby.
>

Crow: Wow. So PBS is a porn channel now, huh?

>The other three followed Tinky Winky's lead and finally the glow
>settled on the youngest, Po. Po looked absolutely thrilled. The
>bigger 'tubbies gathered round, *extremely* close to her. And they
>used to show this to children?
>

Mike: Well, people who liked dressing up like children.

>The square on Po's stomach suddenly showed a picture of three children
>shouting "Hello, hello, hello, hello!" over and over.

Tom : The early years of the Three Stooges.

**continued**