COR: [MiSTing] "Trials and Tubby-lations" [Teletubbies/VOY/X-Files] [5/8]
Matthew R Blackwell
>returned the greeting and the picture grew larger so it could easily
>be viewed by the crew.
>
>The children introduced themselves; Jodie, Ishmael, and 'Nim'. "Let's
>find Aandeh!" they decided,
Mike: We'll start in Amish town!
> in the sort of accent that could have come
>straight from one of the more conservative colony worlds.
>
Crow: Like North Carolina.
>Then followed a scene that rivaled a meeting of the Federation Council
>for boredom; Andy teaching the children how to find snails.
Mike: Andy? You mean Andy Richter, lovable sidekick to Conan O'Brian?
Crow: Or Andy Dick from "Newsradio" and the Ben Stiller Show?
Tom : Or is it Andy Rooney helping them search for snails, and
wondering why do people eat snails? Even cooked they're
disgusting little pieces of meat. You can only taste them
for a second, and then they're gone. And you've paid $80 for
the experience. Why do people do that?
> When it
>was finally over the teletubbies taught Kathryn the true meaning
>of horror; they begged "Again! Again again!" and whoever was
>controlling the pinwheel gave in.
Crow: That must look good on a resume. "I controlled the pinwheel."
Mike: I did that for three months at the temp job, actually.
Tom : Really? Where?
Mike: CNN. Turner has a thing for them.
> The scene began all over again.
>
Crow: Great! We've got some different riffs that we'd like to use!
>The program was only supposed to be half an hour long, Kathryn
>recalled. Hadn't it been longer than that already? It seemed like
>hours.
Mike: Now you know how we feel.
Tom: Watch "Hobgoblins" sometime. That one felt like it went on
for years.
> She'd have mentally inspected every report in her ready room
>by the time it ended if this kept up.
>
>Finally the scene ended. Again. The sun burbled for ten seconds
>without interruption, then another ten seconds produced several clips
>of the hills. The 'tubbies marched into view, holding onto the waist
>of the 'tubby in front and, as always, in height order from tallest to
>smallest.
>
>"Cha cha cha cha cha, *hah*!" they chanted, and Kathryn's heart sank.
>A conga line. Of teletubbies.
Mike: Still, it beats that blasted dancing baby.
> What had she done to deserve this?
>
Crow: Fiddler's Moon.
>Mercifully, one of the periscopes interrupted them to announce, "Time
>for tubby bye-bye. Time for tubby bye-bye."
>
>Thank goodness for *that*. She wasn't sure she could have stood five
>more seconds of that drivel.
>
Mike: [Paris] And now, five more seconds of this drivel!
Crow: A really, really, really long five seconds of drivel.
>Unfortunately, the 'Tubby Bye-Bye' sequence lasted a lot longer than
>just five seconds. Kathryn watched disbelievingly as the voice of the
>periscope bid goodbye to each of the teletubbies in turn. And just
>when she thought it was finally over, they all popped up again with
>cries of "Boo!"
>
Tom : The Teletubbies star in "I Vaguely, Kinda Recall What You Did
Last Summer."
>"Nooo," the voice admonished lightly.
>
>"Nooo," they mimicked.
>
>"Bye-*bye*, Tinky Winky," and the whole thing started over again.
>
Mike: So, Kim's going to walk into Janeway's office then?
>The female voice from the beginning of the show explained, "The sun
>is setting in the sky. Teletubbies, say bye-bye."
>
>Dipsy marched to the top of the house-hill and waved. "Bye-bye," he
>said, then jumped down the hole they'd shot out of earlier. Laa Laa
>did the same, then Po, then finally Tinky Winky. Now was it over?
>Apparently not. Dipsy poked his head back up. "Bye-bye," he said
>cheerfully.
>
Crow: All right already! Just leave!
>That was *it*. Kathryn let out a growl of frustration and muttered a
>sharp command to the computer. Tom looked at her in alarm as a
>compression phaser rifle materialised in her hands.
>
Crow: Katherine Janeway, ex-postal worker.
>"What Captain do?"
>
>She gave him an icy glare and loaded the rifle emphatically. "Time
>for tubby bye-bye, Lieutenant."
>
Mike: [Janeway] If I just shoot Dipsy, Jodie Foster will like me!
>Another command produced the teletubbies, tied to stakes in easy
>firing range. The crew emanated horrified silence.
>
>"Bye-bye Tinky Winky." The blue 'tubby collapsed with a smoking hole
>in his chest.
>
Mike: [TW, Hurriedly] I regret that I have only one life to live
for my country! Gaaah!
>"Bye-bye Dipsy."
Crow: [Dipsy] You can't do this! I'm in the actor's union! AHHHHH!!!!
> Laa Laa and Po grinned in concern as their 'friend'
>crumpled.
>
Mike : [Laa Laa] Well, they did always hog the bathroom...
>"Bye-bye Laa Laa." Their guts splattered quite nicely, Kathryn mused.
>
Tom : It is the Feebles! AIIIEEEEEE!!!!!
Mike: Calm down!
>"Bye-bye Po." The smallest of the teletubbies virtually exploded as
>the blast from the phaser rifle hit. Kathryn smirked in satisfaction
>and was about to turn when the teletubbies suddenly leapt up, holes
>and all.
>
Crow: George Romero's Night of the Tubbies!
Mike: Well, they might have just respawned...
>"Boo!"
>
>"Nooo!" she wailed. It wasn't fair!
>
Tom : Austin Powers had foiled her evil scheme, yet again.
>"Nooo," they mimicked. The sun burbled sarcastically.
>
Crow: Gee. Even the sun is against Janeway.
Mike: She's having a rough week.
>Suddenly the narrator spoke again. "The crew of the Voyager
>wanted to attack their captain."
>
Crow: Then they wanted to attack Roger Lodge for his performance
on the Soup.
>"What?!" Kathryn stared upwards, then at the crew.
>
>"Oh," said the Doctor, in a frighteningly childish tone.
All : WHAT?
Crow: Dragging Picardo into this like that! How dare you?
Mike: How can you live with yourself, Sasscat?
> "'Tack the
>cap'ain." They chorused the phrase for several minutes, emphasising
>it with overacted scowls and menacing actions, while the vacuum
>cleaner scooted up to Kathryn's side with the same worried look. Tom
>gave her a friendly smile as he told the computer to give him a phaser
>rifle and disengage the safeties.
>
Mike: Phaser control groups began to write letters of protest to UPN
for glamorizing the use of phasers.
>"The Doctor attacked the captain," the voice narrated. The fellow
>hologram looked surprised for a moment as the rest of the crew turned
>to look at him.
>
>"'Tack, 'tack," he repeated, and smiled as Tom handed him the rifle.
Crow: Tak? Have we crossed over to _Desperation_ now?
>"'Tack." Kathryn unfroze and dived out of the way as he lifted the
>rifle and fired. Gods, this had to be a nightmare, one of those
>really bad ones that make you flinch for days.
Mike: She turned, and Marrissa Picard waved at her.
Crow: A really, really, really, really bad dream that would
make her flinch for days.
> She looked around
>wildly for some sort of cover, realising that she'd dropped her rifle
>avoiding the Doctor's shot.
>
>Chakotay looked about to object as the voice said, "Tom attacked the
>captain," then apparently realised his turn would come.
>
Tom : UPN would give him a series too, just like the one they
gave Terry Farrell.
>Kathryn suddenly realised they were going to go through this *one
>hundred and forty-six times*. A hundred and forty-five; B'Elanna was
>in Engineering. Yeah, like one person would make any difference.
Mike: I see that Janeway needs to have a talk with the Soul Hunter.
>Luck had saved her from one shot; could she evade another?
>
>Apparently so, although Chakotay's grazed her shoulder. Ow, ow, ow,
>that was *hot*. Part of her hoped they were deliberately missing, but
>from the brainwashed grins on their faces she somehow doubted it.
>
Crow: Obviously, they're still peeved at that "Night" episode.
>"Computer, a personal shield strong enough to withstand compression
>phaser rifle fire, *now*!"
Tom : A pretty red, white, and blue adamantium shield appeared in
her hand.
Mike: Steve Rogers quickly filed suit for copyright infringement.
> It appeared in her hand and she activated
>it just in time to avoid becoming a smear for Naomi Wildman to wipe
>on her face.
>
>"Harry attacked the captain."
Mike: KILL JANEWAY WITH SWORD.
Tom : The Janeway takes a fatal blow and slumps to the floor dead.
Almost as soon as the Janeway breathes her last breath, a cloud
of sinister black fog envelops her, and when the fog lifts, the
carcass has disappeared.
Your sword is no longer glowing.
>
>"End program," she commanded desperately, flinching slightly as the
>shield flared from Harry's attack. "End *program*, dammit!"
>
>"Tuvok attacked the captain."
>
Tom : Tuvok was a victim of peer pressure.
>The shield flared and died as Tuvok's precise shot hit it. *She'd* be
>dead in a minute if she didn't think of something. This was one of
>those things they'd never covered in Command School.
>
Mike: Actually, they did cover it at the Academy.
Tom : It was in the class just after "What to do
if your buddy Finnegan suddenly appears out of
nowhere and tries to beat you up" class.
>"The crew of the Voyager wanted to *kill* their captain."
>
>Kathryn cut short a hysterical laugh. Hadn't they just been trying to
>do that for the last five minutes?
>
Mike: Janeway! Just turn on God Mode already.
Crow: Yeah! Stop dragging this out!
>"The Doctor killed the captain."
>
Tom : Violating the Hippocratic Oath.
>"Computer, override command-one EMH-alpha and end program," she tried.
>The Doctor shimmered into temporary non-existence, buying her some
>time.
>
>"But the captain deactivated the Doctor first."
>
>"Eh oh," the crew chorused. "Cap'ain deakkivate Dokka."
>
Crow: The Captain deactivated Dockers? Who wears Dockers on
Voyager?
>"The crew killed their captain together."
>
Mike: Ah. The dreaded Voyager Crew Rush.
>"Kill cap'ain *together*," Chakotay declared. "Kill kill kill tubby
>tubby tubby tubby tubby."
>
Tom : Ahhhh!!! [sobbing] o/~ Meet the Tubbies! Meet the
Tubbies! They're not your average, ordinary, er, Tubbies! o/~
>"Kill kill kill tubby tubby tubby tubby tubby," Tom repeated. The
>rest of the crew took up the chant. "Kill kill kill tubby tubby tubby
>tubby tubby."
>
Mike: Well, it's nice, but it's not as good as Data's "Life Forms"
song from "Generations."
>Tom flashed her an "Isn't this fun?" grin as the crowd advanced.
>"Time for tubby bye-bye..."
>
>
> |
> _|_
> /\/ \/\
> \_ _/
> \___/
>
Tom : When Gotham City is threatened, Commissioner Gordon fires up
the Tubby signal!
> THE END
>
[Silence]
Tom : Well...
Mike: Uh.
Crow: So.
[A moment more of silence.]
Crow: That was an upbeat ending.
Mike: Thank goodness that it wasn't an X-Files story. Then it
would ended with someone's head being bashed in with a
ballpeen hammer.
Tom : Let's get out of here. Fast.
[Mike picks up Tom, and they quickly scamper out of the theater.]
**continued**