[MiSTing] Belmont Stakes [Marrissa Story, by Stephen Ratliff] [1/1 PG]
David Thurston
subject Belmont Stakes. This is a side story to All The King's
Horses. Before we get in, here is our intrepid little troupe of
riffers:
Editor: David Thurston
Submitters: Bill Livingston
Lauren Urban
Effects: Industrial Lights and Magic
And now, on with the show:
---------------------------------------------------------------
[Season 10 opening]
Somewhere in time and space...
Twaing!
[Interior of the SoL bridge. Mike is there, as are Tom, Crow, and
Gypsy. They are all adorned with rather stylish clothes.
Gypsy wears a simple pink hat with a frilly lace that drapes
over her head.]
Mike: Oh, hi there, I'm Mike Nelson aboard the Satellite of Love,
here with my robot compatriots Tom Servo, Crow T Robot,
and Gypsy. Today is a big day on the Satellite for us
sports fans.
Tom: Yes, normally Pearl doesn't allow us access to any sporting
events in fear that it will raise our morale too much. Those
that she does send are always depressing or predetermined,
but we take what we get.
Crow: Sheesh! Like last time we got the first round of the Women's
ACC Basketball tournament, but only the top seed playing the
bottom seed. I just had to turn my head out of respect for
those players getting killed out there.
Mike: But today is different. Last week Pearl contacted us and said
she was feeling in good spirits, and would let us see this
year's Belmont Stakes, the exciting close to the Triple Crown!
Tom: Well, actually, thanks to rampant commercialism, the *Visa*
Triple Crown Challenge.
Mike: Visa?
Crow: Challenge?
Mike: Oh, when will the pain of selling naming rights end? Well,
we mustn't let that get us down! Today we get to see two
and a half minutes of exciting horse racing!
[There is a small, but heartfelt cheer for a moment, and then the
mads light begins to flash.]
Mike: Ah, and there's Pearl now, it must be about to start. Wow,
I don't think I have ever so looked forward to hitting that
little red light. [hesitates, then pushes it with a bit of
flare]
[Castle Forrester. The Gruesome Threesome is standing around, all
looking oddly pleased with themselves.]
Pearl: I trust you and you robotic cohorts are ready for the little
treat I have arranged today.
[SoL]
Mike: We sure are! Aren't we guys!
Gypsy: You bet!
Crow: Let's pull them to the starting gate!
Tom: [sotto voce] Why don't I trust that tone of voice?
[CF]
Pearl: Well, I should really give them what they ask for. Brain Guy,
you know what to do! HAHAHAHAHA!
[SoL]
All: [A bit nervously, but then with more conviction] Hahahaha!
[CF]
Obs.: Here it comes [snickers to himself, as he makes that little
noise.]
[SoL. Lights and buzzers.]
Mike: AND THEY'RE OFF!
[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ...]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater with the screen blank white.]
Mike: Wait, what...?
>
> Title: Belmont Stakes
Crow: Since when is the Belmont Stakes a text file. Mike, I
thought you said it was a horse race...
Mike: Shhh, I'm sure all will be explained.
> Author: Stephen Ratliff
All: AHHHHHH!
Crow: NO!
Tom: She tricked us!
Mike: Damn you, Pearl, have you no decency?!
>Series:TNG, Marrissa Stories sidestory to All the King's Horses
Crow: Great! Now we're getting Ratliff by-products!
Tom: I thought we did this one. Isn't it the one with the scene
at the pond...
Mike: Thank you, Tom, I had JUST about pushed that out of my memory!
>Rating: [G]
>Codes: n/a
>Part 1/1
Tom: Some assembly required.
Mike: Spell and grammar checkers not included.
Crow: Not really a PART then, is it?
>
> Welcome to Belmont on this first Saturday of June. I'm Don
>McKay.
Mike: Alongside Dan Rydell, and you're watching SportsNight on CSC.
Crow: I'm Don McKay
Tom: I'm George Wallace, and this is 60 minutes.
> Today it's time for the finial jewel in the Triple Crown.
Tom: The horses are going to run up to the peak of a roof? And I
thought the caber toss was an odd sporting idea.
>This year, Lady Stargazer could be our first winner in twenty years.
Tom: So no one has won the Belmont Stakes in 20 years?
Mike: [Don] As you know, for the last two decades all the horses here
have exploded before reaching the finishing line.
>But there are seven horses here, all of which have a chance to
>forestall the young filly.
Tom: Would this be a good time to point out that very few fillies
even get entered to the Kentucky Derby, much less challenge the
triple crown?
Mike: Shh! This is Ratliff, remember, so the young female characters
are always the unlikely heroes?
Crow: Mike, you mispronounced "Ungodly"...
> Today dawned clear, no sign of the clouds which had begun the
>Preakness.
Crow: Unfortunately the clouds fell behind the pack in the first turn,
and never caught back up.
> Speaking of the Preakness,
Mike: ...or at least mentioning it for some Ratliff backstory...
Bots: *Sigh*
> six horses that had raced in
>the Preakness will no longer race again.
Mike: And will live out the rest of their lives in stud. Poor things.
> For that story, lets go to
>our Charity Caver.
Tom: Oh, nice callback.
Mike: How so?
Tom: Caver...cave...away mission...shower scene...
Mike: Yet another image I had almost purged.
Crow: [Charity, ignoring this going on] And we're in the 44th straight
hour of our Spelunk-a-Thon!
>
> Don, the tragedy at the Preakness began
Mike: ...when Marrissa announced she was racing, and the competition
had to thus be eliminated.
> with Kirk's Bane from
>Styles Stables. It turns out that the horse was suffering from a
>genetic condition aggravated by heavy work outs. This condition
>caused weakened forelegs which simply collapsed beneath the colt.
Tom: [Nader] This horse is unsafe at any speed!
>Unfortunately this started a chain reaction crash.
Crow: Just like Talledega! Neat!
Mike: Except none of the horses was covered with Confederate flags and
tobacco ads.
> Otterskin was the first to hit, he only suffered a strained right
>foreleg.
Tom: Whereas if he was Duckskin, the other horse would have rolled
right off his back.
> Apollo's Chariot suffered the worst of them,
Tom: His horses falling in the fray, sending him barreling into
the sun.
Crow: I guess he <bleep>ed with Wendy Testaburger
> breaking all
>but his right rear leg.
Mike: Superglue experts rushed to the scene.
Tom: But not to enact repairs to the horse...
> Eye of the Storm suffered the scare of his
>life when he slid right under the rail.
Crow: And is now barreling down on the North Carolina coast.
> They had to take down the
>section of the rail to free the horse and his jockey. Strike Zone
Tom: I can go for a Calzone right now.
Mike: [Whispering] Calzone?
Tom: [Whispering] It's in the script...
>suffered a fractured left fore hoof. None of them will return to
>racing.
Crow: And will instead go into business together to open a theme
restaurant in Newark.
> Trainer Forsyth Ford
Tom: From Winston-Salem.
Mike: [Whispering] Script?
Tom: [Whispering] Yeah, who wrote these?
> of Kirk's Bane has issued an apology for not
>recognizing the symptoms of this rare unnamed genetic disorder.
Crow: [Forsyth] I'm sorry I didn't see the symptoms of an unnamed
condition no one knows about.
Mike: [Charity] The disease has now been named "Equine Contrivance
Syndrome"
> He
>has also resigned as head trainer at Styles Stables. Several of his
>fellow trainers, speaking on the condition of anatomy,
Tom: I won't talk unless I get a gall bladder, a pineal gland, and
at least three pounds of bone marrow.
Crow: And now a moment of silence for the passing of yet another
poor spell checker by Ratliff's hands.
> have said that
>they probably wouldn't have spotted the symptoms of the disorder, but
>the trainer shouldn't have entered a horse that was any less than a
>hundred percent.
Mike: Yeah, I understand that Real Quiet was exactly 98.452% in the
Belmont.
> Back you Don.
Tom: [Don] Well back you too!
Crow: And now a moment of silence, as Ratliff's grammar checker
soon follows his spell checker.
>
> Preakness isn't the only tragedy to happen in this year's Triple
>Crown.
Mike: For starters, Marrissa jockeyed one race...
> Just 48 hours after placing in the Preakness,
Tom: Eddie Murphy came out with a sequel.
> Jockey Rene
>Picard, who rode Warp Speed for Stargazer Stables, died in a barn fire
>along with his father.
Crow: They gave their lives so Stewart could have an emotion moment.
Mike: Wow, actual Trek continuity, maybe things are looking up.
> Robert Picard, a noted vineyard owner and his
>son were trapped in the equipment barn for the stable when an
>electrical fire started
Tom: So we've established three people in the barn. Robert, some
noted vineyard owner, and the owner's son. Where was Rene?
> igniting the volatile gasoline fuel tanks in
>the equipment.
Tom: Um, would anyone still be using gasoline in the 24th century?
Crow: More to the point, would there be any petroleum left to make it?
> Investigators classified the fire as suspicious, and
>later determined that it was arson.
Tom: Gah-WHA! Ok, let's just slow down a step, and explain to the nice
readers just where the hell you are getting this from, Ratliff?
Mike: Just calm down, Tom...
Tom: Calm? How can I be calm when he is pulling apart a show that, in
relation to the other Trek series, actually has a shred of self
respect. First he takes a bit character who is not even given a
last name in the show, and turns her into a goddess, now he is
taking one of the most solemn moments of Generations and turning
it into a FELONY? I CAN'T TAKE IT! [gets up, and leaves]
Crow: Woah.
Mike: Yeah.
> Two weeks ago Wednesday, all the horse world gathered in Labarre
>France for Rene's funeral.
Crow: All the big names -- Trigger, Ed, Wildfire, Seattle Slew...
[Tom returns]
Mike: Feel better?
Tom: No, just forgot about the damn air vent.
> Isabelle Boucher gave the eulogy for her
>fellow jockey and life long friend. I'd like to quote her "I'll try
>to remember the dreamer who fell asleep looking at the stars,
Tom: I'll try to forget the drunkard who would come home late from
parties with lipstick on his collar...
> dreaming
>of starships and adventures.
Mike: Robert Heinlein?
> I'll remember the young man astride his
>stallion
[All shift nervously, and cough]
> who raced me and my horse across the field and around the
>track."
Crow: [Isabelle] Usually my horse beat the both of us.
> Too often we remember people by how they left us.
Tom: Especially if they leave us in boxes marked "hamdingers."
> We should
>instead remember them by how they lived.
Crow: In sin.
> Rene Picard was a rookie
>jockey in this sport.
Crow: At least he wasn't a rookie jockey playing hooky.
Mike: I wonder if he was a kooky rookie jockey?
Tom: If this was a crossover, he could be a cocky rookie wookie
jockey.
> He was Warp Speed's jockey in all ten races
>before today. He also rode Full Impulse, a two year old, in four
>races.
Mike: The things Ratliff will do when denied introduction scenes.
> Rene had four wins, all aboard Warp Speed.
Tom: And was grooming another horse named "Ludicrous Speed."
> He was known as a
>jolly young lad who
Crow: ...may have been the bastard son of one Mr. Claus...
> was quick with the witty reply and stood by his
>girl friend, later fiancee, Isabelle. Today she will be switching
>from Lady Stargazer to Warp Speed.
Mike: I'd rather fight than switch!
>
> That brings us to our next story. You would expect Lady
>Stargazer to be favored in today's race.
Mike: Would I?
> Instead, Warp Speed is the
>favorite, at 4 to 1. That's mainly because trainer Mikey White has
>chosen to seat and unknown complete rookie on her.
Tom: [Dully] Gee...I wonder who...
> Lieutenant
>Marrissa Amber Picard, formally of the USS Enterprise-D,
All: [droning] Crown princess of Essex, leader of the Kids Crew,
head of the fleet Kids Crew program, former queen of the Borg,
all around deity...
> will take
>over the reigns of the filly. Marrissa is only twelve years old.
Crow: A fact we will beat into you until you succumb to the idiocy
of it all.
>She's currently in Starfleet and her last post was as Chief CONN
>Officer on the Enterprise-D.
Tom: [Don] OK, wait, this has to be a joke. Alright guys, funny,
but I'm in the middle of a broadcast!
> What prompted this unprecedented move?
Crow: The obsessions of a delusional author?
Mike: An author in love with his own creation?
Tom: I'm not sure, but I bet it had something to do with a pulsed
phaser rifle.
> Apparently, Isabelle
>requested a move to Warp Speed, filling her fiancee's ride.
Crow: Isabelle had a fiancée as well as Rene...wow, wonder if he knew.
Tom: No, but Rene was to be a lucky man.
> Mikey did
>ask several jockeys, who tried out on Lady Stargazer. None worked
>out.
Tom: [Hans] So their muscle tone was all flabby.
Crow: [Franz] Yah, they were little flabby girly-men!
> Despite her usual calm race behavior, those jockeys are calling
>Lady temperamental and unruly.
Mike: So I guess that lady's a tramp!
> So he tried Rene's cousin Marrissa,
[Mike shudders]
Crow: Fortunately Marrissa is ALSO temperamental and unruly.
>who is awaiting reassignment following the destruction of the
>Enterprise-D. While she's never started a race,
Tom: [Muttering] And built totally wrong for a jockey...
> White has told us that
>Marrissa was the rider who rode the filly during her first month at
>Stargazer Stables, and has a unique bond with the filly.
Mike: Namely she owns the horses soul.
> Lets have a word with our Gene Humpries, who talked with both
>Marrissa Picard and Isabelle Boucher.
Crow: [British] Are you free Mr. Humpries?
>
> Don, those are two very different young ladies.
Tom: A stunning insight!
> Isabelle has the
>air of a veteran.
Crow: [Gene] And she's threatening to turn it off unless someone does
something about Marrissa! The old veteran is scared, but holding
up bravely.
> She's ready for this race, and thinks that Warp
>Speed has a very good chance of winning it. Marrissa, on the other
>hand, seems nervous.
All: WHAT?!
Tom: Oh dear lord, it's the end of the world.
> She says she'll try her best, but gives no
>guarantees. She says, and I quote, "I think that I can win this, but
>Lady Stargazer isn't a starship and that is my area of expertise.
>Still I tend to win my battles."
Mike: Later that day, someone found a branding iron that said "I was beat
by a kid" and a bunch of horses in much pain.
> Right now, Isabelle is on the track, about to Full Impulse in
>today's two-year-old race.
Mike: EWW!
Crow: Now that would be quite a trick.
> Marrissa, meanwhile is going over tapes of
>Lady Stargazer's previous races.
Tom: [Marrissa] OK, she leaves the gate, goes really fast, around the
turns, and wins. Next tape...she leaves the gate, goes really
fast...
> I watched Marrissa exercise Lady Stargazer last night, and I have
>to agree with the assessment of the bond.
Mike: And Marrissa is definitely shaken, and not stirred.
> She has raced aboard Full
>Impulse last week at Star Fleet Academy Downs in the Captain Pike,
Tom: I thought she never started a race...
Mike: Let it go. Don't think.
>which Full Impulse won convincingly. However one win in one race does
>not a winning jockey make.
Crow: Well, except for that one race...
> Mikey may have ended his chances at a
>triple crown.
Mike: Ended it? Having Marrissa on his horse practically guarantees
it!
Tom: Now I don't know Mike. Will Ratliff go for his shinning star
his genius creation, or do you think he'll go for the sappy yet
heart-warming finale of Isabelle winning the race for her dead
fiancé on his horse?
[They all pause in thought]
All: Marrissa.
> Oh and Don, Marrissa would like to inform you, that she
>was not piloting the Enterprise when it crashed, the ship's Counselor
>was.
Tom: Hahahaha, yes, the destruction of a huge capital ship and the
endangerment of its crew is *always* good for a laugh!
>
> Thank you Gene. So far we've only talked about the two Stargazer
>Stables entries.
Mike: And we apologize for not talking exclusively about Marrissa.
Now, Marrissa, just put the phaser down...
Crow: Now now, Mike, this is Ratliff, we need an introduction scene.
> They aren't the only horses here today.
Tom: Despite Marrissa's best efforts.
> Code of
>Honor will start along the rail.
Mike: Overly Stereotyped Name has the second position.
> The Klingon entry has been strong in
>both the Derby and the Preakness, where he finished third.
Crow: I'm having trouble picturing what a Klingon race horse would look
like.
Mike: Probably their heads would be all bumpy and ridgy, and they'd wear
armor plating, and they'd have razor-spiked horseshoes.
>Quarterdeck Breed is in the second position, the Kirk Stables entry
>has been somewhat of a disappointment this year, not performing well
>in Stakes grade races.
Tom: Ratliff really doesn't much like Kirk, does he?
> In the third slot is Orphan.
Crow: Who was born on February 29th eight years ago, and will race
as a two year old.
> The fourth post
>holds Romulan Dawn,
Mike: Doesn't much like Orphan either it seems.
Tom: Romulan Dawn, it will disrupt your baked on grease!
> an early in the season favorite for the Derby that
>has yet to live up to expectations. The fifth gate will hold Warp
>Speed. We'll always have Paris is between the two Stargazer Stable
>entries. Paris does well on fast tracks, like today's, but has never
>won beyond four furlongs.
Tom: Yeah, that sounds like our Tom, all right.
> Lady Stargazer fills our seventh and last
>post.
Crow: And that's the whole newsgroup. Missed anyone?
> Our Charity Caver has caught up with the trainer for We'll always
>have Paris, Diedre Mitchell.
All: MITCHELL!
> Charity?
Mike: [Scrooge] Humbug!
>
> "Don, I'm here with the trainer for We'll always have Paris,"
Crow: Who has inexplicably shifted back in time, so that we now are
talking with two of him.
>Charity said. "Mrs Mitchell, what do you think Paris's chances are
>today."
> "Not very good, Charity,"
Tom: Well I don't think beggars can be choosers.
> Diedre Mitchell said.
Mike: [Mitchell] We're running against a sappy love-turned-tragedy
story AND the author's favorite character. I'll be happy if
we just survive.
> "If the
>Stargazer Stables entries were to leave, we might have a chance, but
>those two are just too good."
Mike: [Diedre] I don't even know why I'm here! Let's just crown
the snotty kid queen of the ball and go home!
> "I noticed you referred to the whole entry as being two good,"
Mike: One of you take that, I've lost the will to grammar riff.
Tom: Clever play on words, or crappy typing skills, you be the judge!
>Charity said. "What do you think of Michael White's decision to give
>Lady Stargazer to Marrissa Picard for today's race?"
Crow: [Diedre] If everyone else had known we're in a Ratliff fiction. If
the others had known that, we would have *all* gotten inexperienced
12-year old jockeys.
> "Before I saw Marrissa ride Lady this morning, I figured that
>Warp Speed had the race wrapped up," Diedre said. "Now I'm not so
>sure. That young girl doesn't act like an unexperienced jockey."
Mike: Well, I'm sure she's played many race simulations, and we all
know that a simulation is perfect experience for real life!
> "Back to you Don."
>
> Thank you Charity.
Tom: I'd just be happy if we could at least stick to first or third
person.
> Today, the Triple Crown is on everyone's
>minds.
Tom: [Homer Simpson] Inna-godda-da-vida honey...
Crow: So bad news if you have surgery scheduled for today.
> While the betting is still in favor of Warp Speed, and the
>opinion of the racing world, at least until yesterday, was in favor of
>him, Lady Stargazer has become a media darling.
Mike: Unfortunately she lost her footing stepping over the commas,
and has fractured her tibia.
> The racing world
>hasn't had so much attention paid to it since the mighty Secretariat
>won the Triple Crown back in 1972.
Tom: So in 400 years, there have been no other great horses?!?
Crow: No great horses, no cinema, no music. That's why we're stuck
with Lady Stargazer, anime, and 1990s country music.
> Big Red, as the colt was referred
>to, graced the covers of no less than three major magazines. Today,
>the gray filly with the white star has appeared all over the
>Federation Media.
Mike: Including an odd Playboy spread "The Fillies of the Triple Crown."
> This month's Vulcan Science Academy Report's Cover
>story is on Thoroughbred Horse Breeding and features pictures of Lady
>Stargazer and her ancestors.
Tom: Plus, it's the special "Mt. Seleya Swimsuit Edition"!
> Starbase 74 has set up a special direct
>link to watch the race.
Mike: Your federation tax dollars at work.
> Record attendance has already filled the
>park. Federation President Inno has already mentioned the horse in
>one of his speeches,
Crow: [Clinton] I did not have se--[Muffled by Mike's hands]
> he's here today. Isabelle and Stargazer Stables
>have been overwhelmed with mail. Among the public, she's already
>acquired the nickname of Lady Star.
Mike: Or "little miss smarmy britches."
> With the sound of the trumpet, the horses are called to post, as
>the star of the revival of My Fair Lady, Juliette Higgins sings "New
>York, New York"
Tom: The star of My Fair Lady is named "Higgins." Stephen, are you
even listening to how this sounds?
>
> They load up rather quietly. No high jinks at the gate this
>year.
Crow: And no shenanigans, though there were two goings-on.
> Last year Vulcan's Glory expended quite a bit of energy in
>attempts. Normally such a horse wouldn't win, but Vulcan's Glory beat
>Insignia that day. But the seven horses in today's Belmont Stakes are
>easily loaded into the gate.
Tom: Yep, they're all...
Mike: Tom, don't -
Tom: ...A pretty high caliber of horses! BWAHAHAHAH
Crow: Servo, I now officially shun you!
> And they're off.
Mike: [singing to the tune of "And the Race is On"] And the fanfic is on,
and here comes Trek in the backstretch
> Warp Speed leads out of the gate, with
> Quarterdeck breed on his inside.
Mike: Marrissa, moving to the inside.
> Lady Stargazer comes in from the
> outside. Code of Honor is next, with Romulan Dawn not far behind.
Mike: Writing ability fading back, trying not to fall!
> Orphan trails the field.
Mike: Grammar out of the running.
> As they head into the turn, Warp Speed remains
> in the lead, but Quarterdeck has dropped to third, Code of Honor racing
> along side him.
Mike: Good plot sacked for another race.
> We'll always have Paris has moved into fifth.
Tom: Followed by "We'll Always have Kim," "We'll Never have Neelix," and
"We'd Like to have Seven, but she'd break our Face."
> Down the
> back stretch, Warp Speed and Lady Stargazer have pulled a length on the
> field. A battle is shaping up between Code of Honor and Quarterdeck,
> they're neck and neck all the way down the stretch.
Mike: [Still singing] And the race is on and it looks like Ratliff.
> Orphan is now
> fighting with Paris for fifth, with Romulan Dawn fading fast.
Mike: And the reader loses all!
> Into the final turn, Lady takes first from Warp, who
>takes it back again.
Crow: Now they're just tugging on it, and - yes! Yes, they've broken
first! I hope they're happy!
Tom: Someone needs to learn that caring means SHARING.
> Code of Honor takes third firmly from
>Quarterdeck as Quarterdeck Breed stumbles, but recovers.
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, the only drama of the story presented
and concluded in five words.
> Down the
>stretch they come, Lady leads Warp, and now Warp Lady, they are neck
>and neck as they come to the line.
Tom: But Orphan comes out of nowhere and takes it all!
All: GOOO ORPHAN!
> It's Lady Stargazer by a head over
>Warp Speed.
Mike: And the crowd goes wild!
Bots: [Lackluster] Yeah...
> And here comes the rest of the field lead by Code of
>Honor. We'll always have Paris takes fourth, followed by Orphan and
>Quarterdeck breed. Romulan Dawn has collapsed on the back stretch."
Tom: That was officially longer than any Ratliff battle scene.
>
> I can't believe this, the official time posted for the race is
>2:23.5, breaking a record that has held for almost four hundred years.
[All sigh]
Crow: Get the list.
Mike: [Pulls out a huge readout, and talks as he writes...] Triple Crown
champion. Belmont Stakes record holder...
>This year's Triple Crown winner, Lady Stargazer has beat the record of
>Secretariat set back in 1973.
Tom: For his credit, Don sounds as disgusted as we do.
> As Lady Stargazer with Marrissa Picard
>aboard takes a cool down lap with Warp Speed with her usual jockey,
>Isabelle Boucher, along side.
Tom: If it weren't such an overused cliché, my head would have
probably detonated at that last sentence.
Mike: We're reading about Marrissa setting a record and utterly
humiliating many grown-ups, and you're worried about cliché?
> This scene has followed ever one of
>Lady Stargazer's wins in the Triple Crown. The two stable mates
>walking around the track, the long way to Victory Circle, chatting
>quietly.
Crow: As Marrissa enjoys the afterglow of crushing the psyche of
those three times her age.
> This time, however, we aren't waiting for the photo finish,
>and Rene Picard has been replaced with his cousin.
> As Lady Stargazer turns into Victory Circle, we'll head down for
>the presentation of the Triple Crown trophy, and that of the Belmont
>Stakes. Governor Carlos Colucchi
Tom: Governor multicultural presiding.
> of New York will present them, our
>Charity Caver is there.
>
> "As Governor of the State of New York,
Mike: [Koch] How'm' I doin?
> it gives me great pleasure
>to award Lady Stargazer of Stargazer Stables and her jockeys, Isabelle
>Boucher and Marrissa Picard, this trophy for winning the Belmont
>Stakes and the Triple Crown. The whole state of New York is proud to
>host this race every year.
Crow: Well, there's that one guy in Poughkeepsie who's not too thrilled
about it, but other than that...
> We will remember this year's contest
>between stable mates with great fondness.
Tom: We will use it to induce vomiting for years to come.
> "Thank you Governor Colucchi," Captain Jean-Luc Picard said.
Mike: When the hell did he get here?
Tom: Oh great, he's a Traveler now, too.
> "As
>head owner of Lady Stargazer and Stargazer Stables, and on the behalf
>of trainer Mikey White and her jockeys Isabelle Boucher and Marrissa
>Picard, I accept this trophy."
Mike: So Mikey trains them, Isabelle and Marrissa ride them, and Lady
Stargazer runs like nuts, but Picard gets the trophy?
Crow: Great, he's stepped into Marrissa's spotlight...he's marked for
death now.
> "Captain Picard, this is your first appearance at a Triple Crown
>race, despite the fact you've owned ten winners of Triple Crown
>events, how was it?" Charity Caver said.
Tom: It was fantastic, Charity, but back to the race...
> "If it's like this every time, I'll have to be near Earth this
>time of year more often," Captain Picard said.
Mike: I'll need to get Troi to destroy my ship more often.
> "I held my breath from
>the moment Marrissa left the gate until she crossed the line."
Tom: [Picard] And by that time...
Mike: None of that now.
> "Marrissa, this is your first Triple Crown race, and second win,
>how was it from your point of view," Charity asked.
Tom: Looking from way up there down on us mere mortals.
> "In one word, exhilarating," Marrissa replied. "I've never had
>so much fun."
Crow: That was better than--oh wait, I don't want that mental image...
Mike: Thanks.
>
> The owners, trainer, and jockeys step back with both Lady
>Stargazer and Warp Speed for pictures. It was a real surprise to see
Tom: Tense change.
>Isabelle and Warp Speed in the winner's circle, but she at least
>deserved her place, as the jockey who rode Lady Stargazer to wins in
>the Derby and the Preakness. Amazing, apparently the whole Stargazer
>Stables contingent has been beamed out of Belmont Park. That's one
>way to avoid questions.
Crow: Marrissa later orders them all vaporized to avoid any embarrassing
questions.
Mike: Did anyone get the POV of that paragraph?
>
> That concludes our day at the Belmont Stakes. For Gene Humpries,
>Charity Caver, and Federation Broadcast Network Sports, I'm Don McKay,
>saying see you next year at Churchill Downs.
Crow: No need to threaten us!
>
>
> --
> Stephen Ratliff Radford University
Tom: That's it? Already?
Mike: See, it wasn't too bad.
> srat...@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018
> rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target.
Tom: Well good, then he won't mind what I have planned. Cambot, is
my music ready?
[The picture bobs up and down twice]
Tom: Then lets go!
> Marrissa Stories Author
> http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/
> http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
> http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too.
> also at: http://archive.nu/ ASCA Moderator
Mike: You forgot that no one may be seated or leave during the thrilling
URLs
>
> Have you voted in the Alt.StarTrek.Creative.All-Ages Tribble Awards?
Tom: Rock the vote, man!
>
> Do so now at: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/awards/
Crow: There we go.
[They all get up, and leave]
[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ...]
[SoL bridge. All is dark. The familiar first notes of New York, New
York begin to play. When they finish, a spotlight shines on
Tom. He is wearing a sequined top hat. As the first verse
progresses, the lights come up to show Mike and Crow in similar
hats. Mike also has a black cane with a glittery hilt.]
Tom: Start spreading the news.
I'm leaving today!
Now that Marrissa's come to town
There's no reason to stay.
Crow: These fanfiction blues
Are getting me down
And now they've gone and dragged in
Poor ole New York.
Mike: I want to wake up
in a fanfic that's really sweet.
Where twelve year olds are twelve
Not in charge of the fleet!
Tom: Start spreading the news
Gene rolled in his grave
While we sit through Marrissa
And rant and rave.
All: We want to once read
A fanfic that makes some sense
Where a plot is used
Trek not abused
Spelling infused
Grammar is too!
[Drum roll, crescendo]
ALL: Theeeeeeeeeeeeeese Marrissa-fed blues
Blow our minds away!
We'd love it if you'd cut it out - Ratliff, Ratliff!
You try to - characterize,
But instead you - terrorize!
It's up to you, Ratliff, Ratliiiiiiiiiiiif!
[Music goes through the closing measures, and the mad light
blinks.]
All: [Still singing]
Now back to you
Pearl Forr-est-EEEEEER!
[Mike hits the light.]
[CF]
Pearl: I send you guys Ratliff, and you come out of it singing
and DANCING?
[SoL]
Mike: Well, as far as Ratliff goes, it wasn't that bad!
Tom: Yeah. In fact I would probably choose that to read
instead of some of the other works you send us!
[CF]
Pearl: Could it be? Could it be they are immune to Ratliff?
Obs.: It would appear so, lawgiver.
Pearl: Well, there's only one thing to do if they've desensitized...
[SoL]
Mike: Let us down?
[CF]
Pearl: No no NO, you silly. Brain guy, send them Argon II: The
Rath of Gringr!
Obs.: At once!
[SoL. Scene fades out on horrified screams, and the lights and buzzers.]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would like to once again acknowledge and thank my fellow contributors,
Bill and Lauren, for their fine riffs to work from. I would like to thank
Stephen Ratliff for the permission and the sense-of-humor to allow this
and other MiSTings of his work. My first editing experience was a good
one because I had good people to work with.
The characters presented in this work are intellectual property of
Best Brains, Incorporated, and are used without permission, but also
without any financial gain. Situations and characters within this work
are fiction, and not based on anyone either living or dead. At least I
hope Marrissa isn't based on anyone...
Any references to songs, characters, or events owned by anyone other than
BBI are likewise without permission, and without any personal gain.
Song credits:
And The Fanfic is On, parody by David Thurston
Ratliff, Ratliff, parody by David Thurston and Bill Livingston
Back-up music provided by Lauren Urban
Please feel free to direct any comments to thur...@wfu.edu and I will
make sure they are forwarded to the team.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I can't believe this, the official time posted for the race is
>2:23.5, breaking a record that has held for almost four hundred years.
TWAING!
Noser the Fishless
David Thurston wrote:
>
> The following is the group MiSTing of Stephen Ratliff's short
> subject Belmont Stakes. This is a side story to All The King's
> Horses. Before we get in, here is our intrepid little troupe of
> riffers:
>
> Editor: David Thurston
> Submitters: Bill Livingston
> Lauren Urban
> Effects: Industrial Lights and Magic
Bravo to all of you! An excellent job in all respects.
- Noser the Fishless