NU2U: "Blood Ties", 26a/26 (TOS/AU, S/Ch, Sa, Am, Vulcan OCs, K, Mc; h/c, anx [PG13])
Gamin
last one has to be split up again. --Gamin
Summary: Sequel to "Something to Remember" with Spock taking now-
pregnant wife Christine back to Vulcan to be presented at a clan
gathering, where both run afoul of certain ultra-conservative clan-
members. This part: a small hurt/comfort interlude as Kirk and Spock
try to comfort each other in the wake of their loss of T'Merit.
Disclaimers: Part 1A.
******
While Christine and their children slept, Spock went first to Sickbay,
telling McCoy the news about T'Merit and T'Syrith and hesitantly
suggesting that the Doctor might want to visit Kirk if he had the
time, then he went on to the Bridge. None of the Bridge crew knew any
of the details of T'Jaim and T'Krystyn's birth, beyond the fact that
they had been born prematurely,
nor anything at all of the family conflict surrounding the birth, and
they did not know about the tragedy of T'Merit and T'Syrith or the
effect it would have on Kirk and Christine--and on him; Spock planned
to keep it that way. He kept his manner and facial expression tightly
controlled and unreadable while he remained on duty, knowing from the
respectful but coolly
professional treatment he received in response (which was normal) that
he was successful in maintaining his usual façade of Vulcan logic--
despite emotional strain that he could not deny to himself, even if he
appeared to deny it to those around him.
At 0745, Spock turned over command of the Bridge to Sulu, informing
him that Kirk would be late in reporting for duty--if he reported at
all--then headed for his cabin, stopping off at Sickbay again on his
way.
McCoy was in his office, drinking some coffee, when Spock entered
cautiously. McCoy looked up at him as the Vulcan approached. "Just
get off-duty?" he guessed.
Spock nodded. "I was curious to know if you had been to see the
Captain," he explained.
"I tried. He didn't seem to be in the mood for company," McCoy
returned quietly.
"He *did* tell me he wished to be alone," Spock admitted, somewhat
ruefully.
"Then why the hell did you ask me to go see him?" McCoy demanded, in
confusion.
"Because I have observed that Jim sometimes says things he does not
mean and means the exact opposite of what he says--highly illogical,
but often true of Humans," Spock pointed out, in a voice edged with
embarrassment. "I had thought it more likely that he would wish to
discuss it. Perhaps I was wrong."
"Maybe I'm the wrong *person*, Spock," McCoy suggested gently. "You
know more about T'Merit and his relationship with her than I ever
did. Maybe *you* should be the one to talk to him."
"I was on my way to do that when I came here." Spock regarded
him uncertainly. "Are you quite sure I should?"
"Yes, Spock, I'm sure," McCoy reiterated, in the same tone as before.
"I gather he cared a great deal about her."
"He gave her something called a 'promise ring'," Spock revealed
softly. "I believe he meant to marry her."
McCoy met his gaze, and Spock knew they were both thinking of Kirk's
past again. Edith Keeler. Miramanee. His luck was holding; history
had repeated itself again. "Poor Jim. How many
times can you fall in love and have it end in tragedy before you
finally just give up trying to find anyone?"
Spock was about to respond that he had no answer for that question
when he realized it was rhetorical.
"Go on, Spock--see if you can cheer him up," McCoy urged him finally.
"Very well, Doctor. I hope this is not a mistake," Spock acquiesced,
turning to leave.
"It'll be fine. You're his best friend," McCoy reminded him
consolingly.
Spock paused only briefly to respond, glancing back over his shoulder
at McCoy. "I trust you are right. Sometimes I think my 'friendship'
is quite insufficient." Then he stepped through the door and was
gone.
******
Spock went to his own cabin first, discovering--as expected--that
Christine and the children had already left for the Officers' Lounge,
then he went on next door to Kirk's cabin and rang the door buzzer.
"Whoever it is, go away," came the terse response from inside.
"Jim, please...it is Spock," the Vulcan persisted softly. There was
no immediate response, and Spock began to wonder if the fact that it
was him really made any difference.
"Come on in, Spock," Kirk answered finally, his voice barely audible.
The door opened and Spock walked inside. He found Kirk sitting on his
bed and approached with his hands clasped behind his back, waiting for
Kirk to speak first.
"Was it your idea to send McCoy down here?"
There was no accusation in Kirk's voice, but Spock felt as if he had
committed an offense, nonetheless. "I realize it was presumptuous of
me, particularly since you had asked to be left alone, but I meant no
harm," he told Kirk, in a voice full of shame for his intrusion.
"You didn't *do* any harm," Kirk assured him gently. "Come on, sit
down," he urged, patting a spot next to him on the bed.
Spock complied hesitantly.
"I wasn't really interested in talking to him," Kirk explained, "but I
appreciate your concern--and his, too."
"But you *do* wish to talk now, to me," Spock concluded cautiously.
"Otherwise, I assume you would not have allowed me to come in."
Kirk nodded. "I'm glad you're here. I guess I needed to see you," he
admitted slowly, raising his knees, leaning his elbows against their
tops, and rubbing his eyes. "I tried to sleep. I couldn't. Every
time I closed my eyes, I saw T'Merit, the way she was when I left her
that last time," he revealed--and as Spock studied his face, he
realized Kirk was rubbing his eyes
not because he was tired, but because he had been crying. When Kirk
finally pulled his hands away, Spock could see the tear streaks on his
face. "My God, Spock...I'd *just talked* to her and T'Syrith."
"I know. It came as something of a shock to Christine, also."
"*Only* Christine?" Kirk questioned dubiously.
"No," Spock admitted quietly. " I, too, found it somewhat...
sudden."
Kirk folded his arms on top of his knees and rested his chin on top of
his arms. "Know what we were talking about while you and Christine
were showing off the babies? We made plans for my next visit. She
told me about the parklands outside the city, and we decided to go on
a picnic--even take T'Syrith with us and make sort of a family outing
of it," he reflected softly, then buried
his face in his arms, remembering their last--their only--kiss. The
taste of her lips still lingered in his mouth, and his memory of the
unexpected warmth and gentleness of her response to his embrace was
burned into his heart and mind. T'Merit had seemed to need him so
much--as much as he had needed her.
"Dammit, Spock, it's not fair. What have I done in my life that's so
terrible that I deserve to *lose* every woman I've ever really loved?"
At first, Spock was uncertain of how to respond or what to do to
comfort his friend. Finally, however, he turned toward Kirk, moving
closer and resting his hands cautiously on Kirk's arms.
"Nothing, Jim.you have done nothing," he assured Kirk gently.
"And I *am* familiar with your emotions."
Kirk looked up at him in surprise and puzzlement.
"Do you remember my pon farr--the morning after the blood-fever, when
I was still uncertain if Christine would overcome her fears and remain
my wife after experiencing that night's violence? I spoke to you
of...having caused pain to everyone I considered myself close to,
either by my return to Vulcan to attain Kolinahr or by exposing a
woman who loved me and who had always treated me with gentleness to
the pon farr. I questioned then whether or not I deserved to *have*
such people around me," Spock reminded him, speaking with difficulty.
"It is the inverse of what you ask now, but surely the emotions
involved are the same: I.feared losing Christine, was certain I *had*
lost her, just as my own illogical determination to deny my Human half
nearly caused me to lose you and Dr. McCoy. Your response made me see
that...I had not lost any of you. T'Syrith is still alive, and she
will need all the help you can
give her when she comes aboard the Enterprise--just as I will continue
to need the three of you to...help me."
"Christine agreed?"
Spock nodded. "If it will be of any comfort to you, I, also, talked
with T'Merit before we left Vulcan, and I know that her emotions
toward you were as genuine as yours toward her--something beyond her
longing to find someone who would not be vulnerable to death in pon
farr. She spoke of you as someone whom she wanted very much to bond
with and marry," he added softly.
Kirk closed his eyes, feeling tears forming there again as a painful
lump formed in his throat.
"And you know, of course, that even Vulcans are not immune to
loneliness. Perhaps you touched her life in a way similar to that in
which you touched mine, as illogical as I suppose that sounds," Spock
suggested hesitantly. "Remember also that you are not the only one
who has...suffered a loss. Among my cousins, only she and Savir ever
tried to be.what you would call a 'friend' to me."
By the time Kirk opened his eyes, Spock had lowered his.
"She *said* she wasn't that close to you...but she always acted as if
she were," Kirk recalled, studying the Vulcan's bowed head. "I think
she wanted to be closer to you than you would let her be--she was very
eager to learn about your life on the Enterprise and whether or not
you'd found peace within yourself."
"I am sorry. I.underestimated the sincerity of her interest in me,"
Spock realized regretfully, still not looking up. "But I had had...
difficulties...in every relationship I attempted with other Vulcans,
and I was reluctant to repeat previous mistakes. Clearly, I misjudged
her as simply being...tolerant."
Tears were streaming down Kirk's cheeks again, but he no longer knew
if they were for his loss or Spock's. "You were afraid of being hurt,
Spock," he pointed out compassionately, reaching out to rest a hand on
top of the Vulcan's head. "I think she understood that. After all,
it's no crime. I wish *I* had the sense to be afraid of being hurt;
maybe then I wouldn't get
myself into situations like this."
Spock looked up at him finally. "But then you would not be you, Jim--
and perhaps you would not be my friend," Spock objected, quietly but
earnestly. "I do not think I would find that at all desirable."
"Neither would I," Kirk admitted, by now ashamed of himself for being
so wrapped up in his own grief that he had forgotten that Spock, too,
would be in pain. "I'm sorry about all of this, Spock. With my track
record, I should have known that giving T'Merit a promise ring and
talking marriage would be the kiss of death," he apologized, rather
bitterly.
Spock shook his head in negation, beginning to wipe tears from Kirk's
face. "You have done nothing you need regret. You gave her...a new
hope for her future and T'Syrith's future at a time when she had
resigned herself to spending her life alone," he persisted, meeting
Kirk's eyes for the first time, with an expression of agony in his own
eyes that mirrored what he saw
in Kirk's. "Jim, I do not wish to see you in pain..."
Kirk responded with a sad little smile. "The irony is, I don't know
which hurts worse--T'Merit's death, or the fact that I'll never get to
marry her and become your cousin."
The idea that that could be of equal importance to Kirk now filled
Spock with more appreciation, affection and embarrassment than he
could bear, and he bowed his head again, withdrawing slightly from
Kirk. "It is as you said, Jim...you and I will always be family,
whether Vulcan law acknowledges it or not," he promised faintly.
Kirk watched him worriedly, slowly shifting his position, lowering his
knees and tucking them under him. Cautiously, he reached out to touch
Spock on the shoulder, and Spock looked up at him somewhat
apprehensively, without actually meeting Kirk's eyes. Kirk opened his
arms to the Vulcan, as usual uncertain if it was the correct response.
Spock hesitated, but he sensed that the solace Kirk was offering
him was as much for *himself* as for his Vulcan friend. He slid
forward finally, letting Kirk hold him and doing his best to respond
as he felt Kirk's tears on his shoulder. "Family?" he repeated
softly, uncertain in his own mind as to why the word came out as a
question.
"Brothers," Kirk assured him kindly. "Or, better yet--what was that
Vulcan word for it?"
"T'hy'la," Spock recalled, drawing some comfort from Kirk's words, as
well as his touch. The few mental impressions Spock had gathered so
far through that touch were still full of pain and grief, as well as
affection for him, however. "Yes--t'hy'la. I have never referred to
anyone else by that term, even on Vulcan," Spock told him, with a
sigh. "Perhaps it is of small consolation now...but *I* will always
be here, and I will try my best to do
whatever a friend would do at such times as this..." Spock trailed
off. It was worse than "small consolation"; it seemed to him an empty
promise by one who barely knew how to deal with *his own* emotions,
much less Kirk's. "Is that helpful?" he asked then, doubtfully.
"Very. You're a better friend to me than you know," Kirk asserted
sincerely, hugging Spock appreciatively.
Spock felt himself blush slightly and knew it was visible from Kirk's
facial expression, but the embarrassment was cancelled out by his
awareness that he seemed to have cheered Kirk up a little--which was,
after all, his purpose in coming here. And in the process, he, too,
seemed to have found solace. He and Kirk faced each other, and Spock
saw that his friend had finally stopped crying. "I told Christine I
would meet her in the Officers' Lounge after I left here. Would you
like to join me?" he invited.
"Are you sure I wouldn't be in the way?"
Spock raised an eyebrow at him. "Obviously you would not, or I would
not ask you to come with me."
"I guess I could spare some time before I go to the Bridge..."
"More than you are aware of. I told Sulu that you might not report
for duty at all," Spock informed him.
Kirk grinned at the playful glint in the Vulcan's eyes. "All right,
then--let's go," he decided, then they got up together and left the
cabin.
END PART 26A
My ST:TOS Fan-Fiction can be found here:
GAMIN DAVIS' SPOCK TREKS
http://spocktreks.bravehost.com
(Kirk & Spock Friendship, Spock/Christine
and pre-TOS Spock fan-fic, plus Art, Poetry,
Filks and a Listing of my Available Zines