NEW TOS: "Muddling Through" K/f (Emerson), U, others 1/1 [G]

[trekskitten]

Okay, here's one to get you in the holiday spirit.

Author: Trekskitten (jenbug75@...)
Series: TOS
Pairing: K/f (Emerson), others
Rating: G
Part: 1/1
Archive: THFFF & ASCEM yes, anyone else ask first
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek. I just borrowed some folks for awhile for creativity's sake alone. Virginia Emerson is my own original creation.
Feedback: *Constructive* criticism greatly appreciated. Shameless gushing adored. :)
Beta: IDIC (as well as she could with RL nipping at her heels)


Summary: Sometimes Christmas songs take on a meaning of their own.



***

People around him were laughing and dancing but as the first strains of the song played, Captain James T. Kirk's own mood sobered. He went to the nearest view port in the Observation-turned-party Lounge and stared out at the cold vastness of space that matched the bottomless emptiness he felt in his heart every time he heard this song.

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas," Uhura sang softly, wistfully, as the intensity of laughter in the room hushed just a bit so they could hear her better.

Grandpop had been the one to explain to a very young Jimmy Kirk just what this particular Christmas song was about. The notes had seemed so sweet on his mom's pana-player/writer and the boy had skipped through the house, merrily repeating the first line—the only line he could remember completely.

Jimmy skipped into the kitchen, narrowly missing knocking trays of holiday baking to the floor with his swinging arms. Grandpop was sitting at the kitchen table drinking his morning coffee and catching up with his daughter. When he saw the exuberant boy—who knew he wasn't to run or skip in the house—and the stormy look on Winona's face as she took a breath to scold her son, he took action. Jimmy was plucked out of mid-air as he skipped past Grandpop and he was suddenly airborne as the man carried him outside, hanging him upside down over his shoulder.

"Gran'pop, lemme down!" The boy protested, "I gotta do baking with mom!"

The man smiled as if he knew just how much help a four-year-old could be in the kitchen. Still, he gave the boy his wish and set him down, then sat on the porch swing and looked off into the distance. "Okay, Jim. I just needed some help and thought you might be the one to do it." He always called his youngest grandson 'Jim' even though everyone else, the boy included, called him Jimmy.

The request for help stopped Jimmy in his tracks. "You need *my* help?" He scrambled up next to the old man—he couldn't have been more than 55, Jim realized now—and stared out toward the cornfields as well, trying to figure out who or what they were searching for.

"Yes, I do, Son." That was the other thing Grandpop had called him; it was either Jim or Son, never Jimmy or any other childish diminutive. The man had always given him the respect and honesty due an adult, had never looked down upon him, and it had been that respect which had taught Jimmy much about maturity.

"You see, I was just thinking about that song you were singing and it reminded me of something I do every year. I haven't had a chance to do it yet this year and it would be even better if you'd help me with it."

He stared at his grandfather quite earnestly, all thoughts of baking long forgotten. "What do I gotta do?"

Grandpop finally looked at him and smiled, then pulled him in to sit snuggled against his padded flannel-covered side. "Well, first I'll tell you a story. It's about the time when that song was written and what it really means. . . ."

So Jimmy had listened as Grandpop told him of a twentieth century movie and the song that embodied the feelings of anyone who had left friends behind and had to move on. Then he listened as the man explained that the song had taken on special meaning once Grandma had passed away.

"So, you see, the people in the movie had no way of knowing if they would ever see each other again and they were wishing for what they had known in the past. Just like that, each year I sit and think of that song and your grandma, and I know she'd be telling me to have a merry little Christmas because someday we'll be back together and until then, I have to muddle through as best I can."

Four-year-old eyes looked up into older, wiser ones and took in the deeper meaning for the first time.

"Let your heart be light."

Since that day, every Christmas season he had either joined Grandpop in reminiscing about those they had bid farewell or, especially in later years, he kept the date by himself. He had gone into space and left Grandpop and Mom behind, so now they too were on the long list of those whose faces crossed his mind when he heard the song each year. And each year, it brought him both happy and sad moments as he thought of those he cared about.

As Nyota Uhura sang, she watched the captain from across the room. Every year she had been on the Enterprise she had sung at the Christmas party and every year he requested that she sing the same song at the same time during the evening; "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" was now always the end of the second of three sets of songs she would do. He had explained once that it held a special place in his heart but tended to make him "a bit blue" as he had put it. He didn't like to stay that way, so the third set of music would be upbeat and everyone, captain included, would leave the party in a festive mood if she had anything to say about it.

But this year, even well before the song she sang for him every year, he was downright melancholy. Everyone had noticed it, even Spock, she was certain, although Spock would never come right out and say such a thing. No, instead he had been challenging the captain to more games of chess and more sparring sessions, things to get their leader out of the deep funk he had sunk into.

Since nothing seemed to help, Nyota had decided to attempt some holiday magic of her own.

"From now on our troubles will be out of sight."

Jim wished his troubles were out of sight; instead, they seemed to be plaguing him, the stuff of waking nightmares. Ever since they had gone to rescue doctors Lester and Coleman he had felt a bit off-kilter—and no wonder. It was still disconcerting to think of being trapped in a body that was not his but even more devastating had been the reality of Janice's feelings toward him. Yes, she was unbalanced and mentally ill but there had been a time when he had believed she truly loved him. Had he been wrong?

Uhura's voice broke that train of thought as he listened to her repeat, "Have yourself a merry little Christmas."

His mind automatically went back to the little boy who had sat with his grandfather once upon a Christmastime. Another memory, this one from several years later in his childhood, replayed itself in his mind just as it had many years hence.

Jimmy, quite a bit taller at seven than he had been at four, ran up the hill, dragging his father along behind him. "C'mon, Dad, Grandpop's gonna beat us!" George and Jimmy Kirk were racing Winona's father up the favorite sledding hill, all of them trying to get to the good sled first. Of course there were enough sleds to go around but the large one Jimmy had just gotten as a present was the star of the show, especially since it had room for multiple riders, whereas the others were intended for a single occupant only.

Sam waved and laughed maniacally as he went past in the opposite direction, sledding down as he watched his baby brother attempt to haul a man three and a half times his own weight up the hill. Grandpop was close beside the other two, chugging through the snow and gaining on his son-in-law and youngest grandson.

"The boy's got a point, George; you might as well give up now. I'm getting to the top first and that sled is mine!" He made a great show of increasing his speed and made as if to surge ahead of them.

"No! We Kirk men never accept defeat!" George roared and in one movement grabbed Jimmy bodily, slung him over his shoulder and put on a dash of speed that had them overtaking the summit well before the older man. They tumbled to the ground and rolled over in the snow until George was lying on his back, puffing out clouds of wintry air and Jimmy was back up on his feet, dancing around and merrily shouting, "The Kirk men won! The Kirk men won!"

"Why yes, you did, Mr. Kirk, Sir," Grandpop said as he gained the summit as well. "However, there's no need to gloat about it. Now do what Kirk men do and take what you want." Back then Jimmy had only seen the victory in the moment but since then he had come to recognize both the wisdom in Grandpop's words and the twinkle in his eye when he had winked at Jimmy's father. He wondered now if that wink had been one of shared conspiracy against the youngest of the three males atop that hill or if it had been a moment of agreement that Kirk men would truly tend to take what they wanted.

No matter. Jimmy Kirk had jumped at the chance and leapt onto his sled, waiting rather impatiently for his dad to join him.

"Make the Yule-tide gay."

And suddenly it was Jim alone on his favored sled, battered and beaten though it had become. On slightly newer, less weathered sleds, Gary Mitchell and Virginia Emerson flanked him on either side. "Ready?" the nineteen-year-old asked of his friends from Starfleet Academy. At their nods, he shouted, "Go!" and they were rushing headlong down the hill, knowledge of the fact that the loser had to make the homemade cocoa prompting more than a little recklessness.

Less than thirty seconds later, Jim and Gary were both standing laughing at the bottom of the hill, sleds in hand, watching a white-frosted Virginia pick herself up out of the snow and glance around for the sled that had deserted her. Seeing her confused look when she only saw snow around her, Jim pointed ten feet behind him where her sled was sitting innocently, all by itself.

"Too bad you couldn't stay on, Em! Your sled beat us all!" Gary was close to doubling over with laughter. Jim had to admit that it had been hilarious to glance to his side on the way down only to see Virginia hit a bump while on her sled. She and the sled had become airborne and separated; the sled continued down the hill as if nothing had happened and Emerson had come straight down in the snow and stuck there, face first.

Wiping snow from her scratched-up face and forehead, she joined the two young men and played upon their senses of decency. "Oh, come one guys, if my sled was first, then none of us really won. Why don't we all make the cocoa?" She grabbed the reprobate sled and headed toward the farmhouse, not waiting for either of them.

"Not a chance, Emerson," Jim replied. "The deal was 'loser makes the cocoa', not 'winner doesn't have to'."

At the more than slightly annoyed look on her face, Gary threw an arm around her shoulder and conspiratorially said in a mock-whisper, "Don't worry, Em, it's not much harder than boiling water and the kid taught *me* how to do that last year."

Laughing at Gary's misguided sense of humor and then even harder at the look on Gary's face when Virginia kicked him in the shin, Jim wedged his way between them and wrapped an arm around the shoulder of each friend. "You two city kids—didn't anybody ever teach you how to cook?" At their combined shrugs he continued, "Okay, into the house. I'll teach both you losers how to make real hot cocoa. But if you ever tell any of the guys at Academy that I know how to cook, you're never getting invited back."

They had never told and had been invited back several more times over the years.

"From now on our troubles will be miles away."

But Gary would never be back to the farm again. More than mere miles away, Kirk had left that particular trouble light-years away on Delta Vega and it still stung, even all these years later. He had killed before that day and had killed since but there was something so demoralizing about killing your best friend—or something that had once been your best friend—that it didn't seem possible to ever recover completely.

"Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of yore."

"Bridge to Captain Kirk," the intercom broke through his thoughts. He automatically went to the nearest wall unit, the one not far from where Uhura was singing, and replied, "Kirk here." He gave the Communications Head a quick apologetic glance to indicate that he didn't mean to interrupt her song. She simply smiled her sweetest and continued singing.

"Sir," Spock's voice came over the speaker, "a Starfleet shuttle has come alongside, requesting permission to dock in our bay." A note of surprise was almost kept out of his voice as he continued, "They indicate their purpose as a temporary transfer of personnel."

Nyota kept up her performance but inside she was jittery. *Somebody* had better get their act together quickly!

"Transfer of—Spock, I didn't authorize-"

Spock interrupted the captain. "I . . ." he paused for several seconds and Uhura could only imagine what information was being fed to him from the shuttle.

Giving the impression that he had simply taken the moment in order to organize his thoughts, Spock went on, "I apologize, Sir. The change affects the science department roster alone and this opportunity only just came up. This scientist is someone who could provide useful insight on a current project, so I authorized the transfer. You were unavailable for consultation at the time."

//Which would have been about 20 seconds ago,// Nyota thought to herself. //God bless you, Mr. Spock, sugar. Next time I see you I'm going to kiss you right between those gorgeous pointy ears.// She tried to keep a straight face as she pointedly pretended to ignore the captain's conversation.

"Well, all right, Spock. I'll go meet the shuttle. Give me-"

//No!// Uhura thought in a panic, //don't let him ruin it now!//

"Unnecessary, Sir. I am on my way as we speak."

//Oh, Heaven help me, I'm going to fight Christine for you, you Vulcan sweetheart!// She barely won the battle against threatening giggles.

Kirk looked at the comm quizzically. He would have sworn his science officer was up to something but that just couldn't be. Jim decided he must be more tired than he realized and chalked it up to holiday blues. "Okay, Spock, but let the crewmember know I'd like him to report at his earliest convenience tomorrow for an unofficial staff briefing."

Nyota almost did laugh that time.

"Understood, Sir. Spock out."

Leaning against the bulkhead momentarily, Kirk still looked at the comm as if it owed him answers.

"Faithful friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more."

Jim looked over at Uhura and shrugged, then palmed the wall unit off. She merely gave him another bright smile in commiseration and watched him return to the abandoned view port.

Usually a pleasing sight, the stars were for him tonight just a reminder of the people and places he had left behind. He slowly let the list scroll through his memory again, taking time to put a face to each name.

He rarely allowed himself to take stock of the things he had sacrificed to live the life he did but Christmastime—and this song—always made him look back. As Grandpop had said, paying attention to who we had been was important, so we could plan who we would become. Jim just wished sometimes that looking back didn't hurt so much.

"Through the years we all will be together,"

So focused was he on his ruminations that Jim didn't sense a presence behind him until hands were on his shoulders and a voice was in his ear. "Merry Christmas, Jim."

"if the fates allow."

He whirled around and came face-to-face with a woman in a gold uniform.

"Reporting as ordered, Captain Kirk, Sir." The woman snapped a smart salute and stayed that way, waiting for his reaction. There was a flourish to that salute and a sparkle in her merry green eyes.

"Jenny?" He managed to fit all the incredulousness into that one word.

She dropped the salute and donned the brightest smile he'd seen all night. "I have a week's leave coming and Starfleet owes me. Besides, what's the point of being a captain if you can't pull a few strings now and then, huh?"

And these were strings she knew had to be pulled. She had already been concerned about him before but then when Nyota had sent her a private communiqué indicating that things were not as they should be, Virginia Emerson had swiftly followed her instincts. She had the feeling someone needed to be reminded that he knew how to be light-hearted and have fun or he wasn't going to be able to do either soon.

"Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow."

Jim stared at her as if still looking for a catch, then realized that someone somewhere had just given him one of the best Christmas presents ever. With the smile of a teen who has just seen the airbike in front of the Christmas tree, he finally said, "Merry Christmas to you too, Virginia." Then he took her in his arms and kissed her soundly.

It was only when they heard muted catcalls and clapping that they broke apart. Reddening slightly, Jim's look quickly became stern as he glanced about at the crewmembers who were now very carefully *not* watching the captains; all except one, that is.

McCoy pushed off from the bulkhead he'd been leaning against and strode over. "I think the mistletoe is over there, if that's what you're looking for, Jim." He pointed to a crowded corner on the opposite side of the room.

"Don't you have something you should be doing, Bones?" Before his friend could answer, Jim wrapped an arm around Emerson's waist and headed for the door. "Carry on, Doctor."

Jim led Virginia out of the Observation Lounge and made a point of not hearing McCoy's comment that he wasn't the one who had been carrying on.

"And have yourself a merry little Christmas now."

And Jim most certainly did not see the wink that passed from Emerson to Uhura and back before the door slid closed.

***
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the fates allow.
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow.

And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.


Finis


Historian's Note: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas is a Christmas song written by Hugh Martin and Ralph Blaine and made famous by Judy Garland in the 1944 film "Meet Me in St. Louis". The movie chronicles the change in seasons and times of St. Louis including the Christmas season. In the famous scene, Garland sings the tearful tune to child star Margaret O'Brien. The melancholy tune and lyrics were originally even more somber but were adapted by the song writers to the current version at Garland's request. (from Wikipedia: en.wikipedia.org)

Author's Note: For the purpose of this story my own preferred version of the lyrics was used, changing the line "Hang a shining star upon the highest bow" to the less-often heard "Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow".

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