Krieger: Broncos in hot pursuit of their old mojo
Fred Waiss, Sr.
listen to talk radio until our heads explode, but the fact remains:
Like Austin Powers in "The Spy Who Shagged Me," the Broncos have lost their
mojo.
And they may need our help getting it back.
Powers enlisted the aid of Elizabeth Hurley and Heather Graham, so if anyone has
a number for either of them, please forward it to me - immediately.
You may remember that Powers reclaimed his mojo by hopping in a time machine and
going back to the 1960s. Coincidentally, the Broncos have been traveling back to
the '60s this season to celebrate the AFL's 50th birthday, so this should not be
a problem.
Here are three steps the Broncos can take to get their mojo back. I don't claim
it's an exhaustive list. If you have additions, by all means, send them along.
1. Bring back Brett Kern. This might be tough with Kern now punting for
Tennessee, but when the going gets tough, the tough pull out their smart phones.
Maybe Pat Bowlen's pal Roger Goodell can make Titans owner Bud Adams return Kern
as part of his punishment for giving an entire stadium the finger.
If not, there's always a trade. No one should be untouchable when your mojo is
missing.
The numbers don't lie. The Broncos were 6-0 with Kern. They are 0-3 without him.
The Titans were 0-6 before Kern arrived. They are 3-0 since.
In other words, Kern is 9-0, and the teams he has played for are 0-9 without
him. The NFL has three remaining unbeatens: the Colts, the Saints and Brett
Kern.
The circumstantial evidence suggests Kern took the Broncos' mojo to Tennessee
and gave it to the Titans. I'm not a lawyer but I do watch a lot of "Law &
Order," and I believe he can be legally required to return it.
2. Bring back the vertically striped socks. It is no coincidence that the
Broncos got two of their most inspirational victories in those daring fashion
statements from the '60s. They certainly had their mojo when they beat the
Patriots and Chargers. During their three-game losing streak, they haven't worn
them once.
Granted, they will have to pull some strings in the commissioner's office to get
this done. Each original AFL team was supposed to wear throwback uniforms twice,
once at home and once away, so the Broncos are done, although they might wear
those orange jerseys again. Those only look like throwbacks.
Unfortunately, they don't work as well as the vertically striped socks. The
Broncos wore the faux-throwback orange against the Bears in the preseason and
the Cowboys and Steelers in the regular season, which makes them 1-2. Not very
mojotastic.
No, it must be the vertically striped socks. Bowlen should be able to get a
little concession like that out of the commissioner in exchange for promising
not to give an entire stadium the finger the way some owners do.
Besides, traveling back to the '60s is the surest way to follow the Austin
Powers blueprint. Kyle Orton doesn't necessarily have to say "Groovy, baby," but
it couldn't hurt. If he won't, Chris Simms should get enough reps in practice so
he can say it.
3. Bring back Ryan McBean. It is no coincidence that ever since McBean hurt his
knee in Baltimore, the Broncos' mojo has been missing. Or maybe it is, I don't
know. This theory comes from Channel 4's Vic Lombardi, and it seems kind of out
there to me. But hey, we must leave no stone unturned. It's the least we can do.
Lombardi thinks the transition from McBean to Le Kevin Smith at defensive end
has cost the Broncos . . . well . . . I'm not sure what it's cost them, but it's
cost them.
It makes at least as much sense as Josh McDaniels' suggestion that the defensive
linemen have suddenly become glory hounds, dancing around trying to make
highlight plays instead of filling their gaps.
That seems unlikely unless they heard Elizabeth Hurley and Heather Graham might
be involved, in which case their desire for a little attention would be
understandable.
Anyway, let's try bringing back McBean first.
These three steps should send the Broncos back in time, if not to the '60s, at
least to six weeks ago. From there, they should be able to pick up right where
they left off.
Dave Krieger: 303-954-5297, dkri...@denverpost.com or twitter.com/DaveKrieger
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Fred Waiss, Sr.