Jeff Pearlman: Gregg's long-lost mediot cousin?
Seth Robson
which he takes it upon himself to lambaste most every player in a Giants'
uniform for failure to suck up to his overwhelming asininitude:
(and sorry for the crap formatting -- it's cnnsi's fault!)
**
"Major league rudeness
Posted: Tuesday April 27, 1999 05:34 PM
Being blown off in a big league clubhouse isn't
altogether different than having to sit through a third
showing of Meet Joe Black. Why? Umm, well, no
particular reason, except I've endured both
experiences within the past 24 hours (for the
record, Mute Joe Blacklist has been the American
Airlines redeye breakfast of champions for the past
month, and is thusly unavoidable), and one sucks
no greater than the other.
As for the blow-off, the latest came at the hands of Donovan Osborne, the
St. Louis
lefthander and a man way too mediocre to dispatch the cold shoulder. No
matter -- he is a
baseball player, and baseball players tend to act as such. I approached
Osborne in Dodger
Stadium last Sunday, gently sliding up next to his locker. In a very
casual, very shy, very
respectful manner, I uttered a soft, "Uh, Donovan?" Donovan, no more than
two feet straight
ahead, barely looked up. He grabbed his mitt, shrugged and walked away.
This column, I have been told, is about baseball, baseball, baseball. No
more Webster
references. Cut the fart jokes. But what's more baseball, more
traditional, more American than
the Boy of Summer staring down a schlub scribe as if he were liquid snot?
Hell, just a day prior
to the Osborne incident, San Francisco's Mark Gardner -- not even on the
active roster -- was
warm enough to order me far, far away. Again, I approached Gardner no less
politely than I
would my own mother: "Hey, Mark, can I talk to you about the Giants?"
"No."
Thanks, bud.
The reporter blow-off is hardly the hot rage. To suggest such would be an
insult to the game's
notorious blow-offers, namely Thurman Munson, Frank Thomas, (pre- Christ) Gary
Gaetti, Bruce Kison, George Foster, Rafael Palmeiro, et al. The most hailed, of
course, is Dave Kingman, the 400-home-run hitter from Planet Ass.
Kingman's legacy isn't
his long blasts, but his short comprehension of humanity. Once, when he
was with the A's,
Kingman sent a female writer a small box, neatly adorned with a pink
ribbon. When she opened
it, the scribe found a rat.
Kingman was once a Giant, which makes sense. Outside of Jeff Kent, Shawn
Estes, Ellis
Burks and a few rookie scrubs and bullpen stragglers, these Jints do Dave
proud. Kirk
Rueter, a man whose ERA reads like a Saks Fifth Avenue pricetag, told me
he's be happy to
chat -- later.
When?
"I need to loosen up first."
OK.
I waited. And waited. And waited. No Kirk.
Of course, there's the incomparable Barry Bonds, a man whose idea of good
media is dead
media. Bonds is the one man reporters dislike more than Albert Belle.
Belle, to his credit, has
made it clear that any encroaching pen handlers will be Louisvilled upside
the cranium. Bonds
offers 8,000 reasons why he's Barry and you're not ... then swings away."
**
Uh, a point or two:
- If I were a reporter, and my opening line were as asinine as "Hey, can I
talk to you about the Giants?", what kind of reaction should I really
expect from a player?
- Mr. Pearlman can't find anything bad to say about the Giants' on-field
performance, and therefore feels compelled to compensate by ripping their
collective attitude towards semi-anonymous beat reporters?
- Oh, c'mon: Dave Kingman barely even qualifies as a "once a Giant."
- That token mention of Donovan Osbourne fools nobody: he explicitly wrote
this column to slam the Giants.
- He must really, *really* be bitter from watching "Meet Joe Black" so
many times. Then again, it's his own fault for renting the airline
headphones and tuning in again, when he could just as easily doze off...
or think of something more worthwhile to write about in his column.
Oh, and: no offense meant, Gregg. I really do believe in my heart of
hearts that you're not related to this doofus.
Seth.
Sean Keane
>
> Uh, a point or two:
>
> - If I were a reporter, and my opening line were as asinine as "Hey, can I
> talk to you about the Giants?", what kind of reaction should I really
> expect from a player?
>
> - Mr. Pearlman can't find anything bad to say about the Giants' on-field
> performance, and therefore feels compelled to compensate by ripping their
> collective attitude towards semi-anonymous beat reporters?
>
> - Oh, c'mon: Dave Kingman barely even qualifies as a "once a Giant."
>
> - That token mention of Donovan Osbourne fools nobody: he explicitly wrote
> this column to slam the Giants.
>
> - He must really, *really* be bitter from watching "Meet Joe Black" so
> many times. Then again, it's his own fault for renting the airline
> headphones and tuning in again, when he could just as easily doze off...
> or think of something more worthwhile to write about in his column.
>
>
Pearlman's column is consistently poor. Does he realize that whiny columns like
this are a big part of the reason that players are blowing him off?
Greg Lentz
>Sample, if you will, Jeff Pearlman of CNN/SI's kvetching weekly column, in
>which he takes it upon himself to lambaste most every player in a Giants'
>uniform for failure to suck up to his overwhelming asininitude:
>The reporter blow-off is hardly the hot rage. To suggest such would be an
>insult to the game's
>notorious blow-offers, namely Thurman Munson, Frank Thomas, (pre- Christ) Gary
>Gaetti, Bruce Kison, George Foster, Rafael Palmeiro, et al. The most hailed, of
>course, is Dave Kingman, the 400-home-run hitter from Planet Ass.
This line is freakin' classic right here and the only nugget from the column.
Something the real Pearlman might have written.
Greg Lentz
Marie C.
always told me that if you want the other kids to like you, you have
to like them first....
On Wed, 28 Apr 1999 20:59:29 -0700, hunn...@slip.net (Seth Robson)
wrote:
>Sample, if you will, Jeff Pearlman of CNN/SI's kvetching weekly column, in
>which he takes it upon himself to lambaste most every player in a Giants'
>uniform for failure to suck up to his overwhelming asininitude:
>
>would my own mother: "Hey, Mark, can I talk to you about the Giants?"
>
>"No."
>
>Thanks, bud.
>
>The reporter blow-off is hardly the hot rage. To suggest such would be an
>insult to the game's
>notorious blow-offers, namely Thurman Munson, Frank Thomas, (pre- Christ) Gary
>Gaetti, Bruce Kison, George Foster, Rafael Palmeiro, et al. The most hailed, of
>course, is Dave Kingman, the 400-home-run hitter from Planet Ass.
>Kingman's legacy isn't
>his long blasts, but his short comprehension of humanity. Once, when he
>was with the A's,
>Kingman sent a female writer a small box, neatly adorned with a pink
>ribbon. When she opened
>it, the scribe found a rat.
>
>Kingman was once a Giant, which makes sense. Outside of Jeff Kent, Shawn
>Estes, Ellis
>Burks and a few rookie scrubs and bullpen stragglers, these Jints do Dave
>proud. Kirk
>Rueter, a man whose ERA reads like a Saks Fifth Avenue pricetag, told me
>he's be happy to
>chat -- later.
>
>When?
>
>"I need to loosen up first."
>
>OK.
>
>I waited. And waited. And waited. No Kirk.
>
>Of course, there's the incomparable Barry Bonds, a man whose idea of good
>media is dead
>media. Bonds is the one man reporters dislike more than Albert Belle.
>Belle, to his credit, has
>made it clear that any encroaching pen handlers will be Louisvilled upside
>the cranium. Bonds
>offers 8,000 reasons why he's Barry and you're not ... then swings away."
>
>**
>
>Uh, a point or two:
>
>- If I were a reporter, and my opening line were as asinine as "Hey, can I
>talk to you about the Giants?", what kind of reaction should I really
>expect from a player?
>
>- Mr. Pearlman can't find anything bad to say about the Giants' on-field
>performance, and therefore feels compelled to compensate by ripping their
>collective attitude towards semi-anonymous beat reporters?
>
>- Oh, c'mon: Dave Kingman barely even qualifies as a "once a Giant."
>
>- That token mention of Donovan Osbourne fools nobody: he explicitly wrote
>this column to slam the Giants.
>
>- He must really, *really* be bitter from watching "Meet Joe Black" so
>many times. Then again, it's his own fault for renting the airline
>headphones and tuning in again, when he could just as easily doze off...
>or think of something more worthwhile to write about in his column.
>
Gregg Pearlman
Seth Robson wrote:
>
> Sample, if you will, Jeff Pearlman of CNN/SI's kvetching weekly column,
Okay, I'm guessing he's Jewish too, so that makes sense.
> in which he takes it upon himself to lambaste most every player in a Giants'
> uniform for failure to suck up to his overwhelming asininitude:
>
> (and sorry for the crap formatting -- it's cnnsi's fault!)
Blame Pearlman.
No, sir, this guy isn't related. I hope.
> The reporter blow-off is hardly the hot rage. To suggest such would be an
> insult to the game's
> notorious blow-offers, namely Thurman Munson, Frank Thomas, (pre- Christ) Gary
> Gaetti, Bruce Kison, George Foster, Rafael Palmeiro, et al. The most hailed, of
> course, is Dave Kingman, the 400-home-run hitter from Planet Ass.
> Kingman's legacy isn't
> his long blasts, but his short comprehension of humanity. Once, when he
> was with the A's,
> Kingman sent a female writer a small box, neatly adorned with a pink
> ribbon. When she opened
> it, the scribe found a rat.
Once, when Bobby Thomson was batting, he hit a home run, and the Giants
won the pennant.
> Kingman was once a Giant, which makes sense.
*So* not related to me.
> Outside of Jeff Kent, Shawn
> Estes, Ellis
> Burks and a few rookie scrubs and bullpen stragglers, these Jints do Dave
> proud. Kirk
> Rueter, a man whose ERA reads like a Saks Fifth Avenue pricetag, told me
> he's be happy to
> chat -- later.
>
> When?
>
> "I need to loosen up first."
>
> OK.
>
> I waited. And waited. And waited. No Kirk.
It clearly doesn't occur to this guy that maybe it's *him*, you know?
Everybody else is the jerk.
> Of course, there's the incomparable Barry Bonds, a man whose idea of good
> media is dead
> media. Bonds is the one man reporters dislike more than Albert Belle.
> Belle, to his credit, has
> made it clear that any encroaching pen handlers will be Louisvilled upside
> the cranium. Bonds
> offers 8,000 reasons why he's Barry and you're not ... then swings away."
Meaning?
> **
>
> Uh, a point or two:
>
> - If I were a reporter, and my opening line were as asinine as "Hey, can I
> talk to you about the Giants?", what kind of reaction should I really
> expect from a player?
So glad you said this.
> - Mr. Pearlman can't find anything bad to say about the Giants' on-field
> performance, and therefore feels compelled to compensate by ripping their
> collective attitude towards semi-anonymous beat reporters?
This too. He sounds basically petulant and as though he's looking for
trouble. A whiner with a national, large-audience forum in which to
whine and abuse his power.
> - Oh, c'mon: Dave Kingman barely even qualifies as a "once a Giant."
Well, he was here for most of three years....
> - That token mention of Donovan Osbourne fools nobody: he explicitly wrote
> this column to slam the Giants.
It was the stuff transparent things see through and go, "How transparent."
> - He must really, *really* be bitter from watching "Meet Joe Black" so
> many times.
Resents Brad Pitt over Jennifer Anniston.
> Then again, it's his own fault for renting the airline
> headphones and tuning in again, when he could just as easily doze off...
> or think of something more worthwhile to write about in his column.
>
> Oh, and: no offense meant, Gregg.
Nothing *you* said offends me. It's this *guy*.
> I really do believe in my heart of
> hearts that you're not related to this doofus.
I thank you. Funny thing: my family -- immediate *and* extended (to
aunts, uncles, grandparents, *some* cousins) -- is "The Nice Pearlmans."
I haven't met a lot of Pearlmans not related to me, but they've been
universally rude. Go figure. (Then again, my folks will be married 50
years next year, and as my dad did for his stepmom, I'm going to
publicly express amazement at my mother for being married 50 years to a
Pearlman. It's a family legend, so to speak, that really started (and
ended) with my great-grandfather, who evidently *wasn't* a Nice
Pearlman. Since you never asked.)
Gregg
Gregg Pearlman
>
> Pearlman's column is consistently poor.
Since I snipped everything above, I just want to make clear that Sean's
talking about *Jeff* Pearlman's column. I hope....
> Does he realize that whiny columns like
> this are a big part of the reason that players are blowing him off?
This is what I'm thinking. Do *any* of these guys -- El Jeffo, R.E.
Graswich, Lowell Cohn, Bob Smizik, Bruce Jenkins -- ever think, "Huh...
maybe it's *me*"?
Gregg
Gregg Pearlman
>
> On Wed, 28 Apr 1999 20:59:29 -0700, hunn...@slip.net (Seth Robson) wrote:
>
> >Sample, if you will, Jeff Pearlman of CNN/SI's kvetching weekly column, in
> >which he takes it upon himself to lambaste most every player in a Giants'
> >uniform for failure to suck up to his overwhelming asininitude:
> >insult to the game's
> >notorious blow-offers, namely Thurman Munson, Frank Thomas, (pre- Christ) Gary
> >Gaetti, Bruce Kison, George Foster, Rafael Palmeiro, et al. The most hailed, of
> >course, is Dave Kingman, the 400-home-run hitter from Planet Ass.
>
> Something the real Pearlman might have written.
I'm thinking I might have said "Planet Yutz."
Gregg
Gregg Pearlman
>
> News flash to Jeff P: It isn't the ballplayers, it's *YOU*. My mom
> always told me that if you want the other kids to like you, you have
> to like them first....
Looks like this is very likely the universal reaction to his column,
assuming readers can get past their own possible hatred of the Giants.
Sounds like Cousin Jeff needs to be introduced to this old book by Dale Carnegie....
Gregg
Sean Keane
Gregg Pearlman wrote:
> Sean Keane wrote:
> >
> > Pearlman's column is consistently poor.
>
> Since I snipped everything above, I just want to make clear that Sean's
> talking about *Jeff* Pearlman's column. I hope....
>
> Gregg
Whoops. Yeah, not a criticism of EEEEEEE! (sufficient "E"s?") Sorry for
any confusion...
Gregg Pearlman
>
> Gregg Pearlman wrote:
>
> > Sean Keane wrote:
> > >
> > > Pearlman's column is consistently poor.
> >
> > Since I snipped everything above, I just want to make clear that Sean's
> > talking about *Jeff* Pearlman's column. I hope....
>
> any confusion...
I was teasing. "EEEEEE!" is too *long* for a column....
Gregg
James Farrar
Sean Keane wrote:
> EEEEEEE! (sufficient "E"s?")
Not only sufficient "E"s, but with a superfluous(sp??) "E"! :)
Regards,
--
James Farrar