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Derek Milhous Zumsteg
how this is done properly.
I'd be depressed if I were a Mariner fan[1]. Bret Boone's a lousy
second baseman who can only do one thing anymore, hit home runs, and
Safeco's going to take that skill away from him[2]. The M's would be
better off hiring Joey Cora away from his desk job and sticking him
out there [3]-- at least people won't throw things at him because he's
cute, even if he is (and always was) worthless [4].
And what's worse it that they're looking at an unknown quantity to
replace Alex's production [5]. No one knows how Ichiro's going to
face, and drawing conclusions from his history in Japanese ball is
about as relevant as trying to project players based on 50 ABs in tee
ball [6]. It's just as likely he's going to turn out to be a Mike
Singleton hitter - a little average with no power or walks - as he is
to become a Johnny Damon type [7].
The thing to get really worried about, though, is Lou. He's talking
about changing the way the team plays, from the winning ways of taking
walks and scoring runs to Small Baseball, more hit-and-runs,
sacrifices and base stealing [8]. Remember last season, when he ran
McLemore with such predictable regularity that every serious fan knew
what was going to happen -- and so did opposing managers [9]. That was
sweet. Of course, it's not like it matters anyway, since he'll be
filling out lineup cards with a bunch of zeros anyway: Bell, Guillen,
Boone, and Wilson -- that's almost half your lineup sucking it up
already, and that presumes that Ichiro will pan out and Martin plays
okay (which he won't)... as many as six, two-thirds of the offensive
order, could suck ass next year.[10]
... rant about the pitching staff (harp on Moyer a lot), lack of depth
in case of injuries, lame mascot, then descend into making fun of the
mascot, broadcasters, and Edgar Martinez (and if any troll manages to
make an effective anti-Edgar remark, I'll fall off my chair).
I hope this helps all you trolls, and I look forward to seeing
improved trolls on asbs-m.
-- DMZ
1 - Rational opening. Breaking out the ugliness early only turns
casual readers, who you want to draw in and offend into responding
2 - This is true, though arguable
3 - Dragging a fan favorite into the argument
4 - Now we take an ugly potshot guaranteed to draw responses.
5 - Quickly, retreat to a true statement
6 - A grain of truth, descending into...
7 - See how we eased into this?
8 - and back to the truth
9 - keep on
10 - almost plausible, and you see where we're going from here
--
Derek Milhous Zumsteg robom...@hotmail.com
"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. If you're smart,
surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you."
-- SportsNight