news: Malevolent Mating Mariner Moose Molests Mesmerized Man
Derek Milhous Zumsteg
at it)
(Saturday, August 22) SEATTLE -- In front of astonished witnesses,
Seattle Mariner mascot "The Mariner Moose" today stopped before a
season-ticket holder's seat, sat down and performed a maneuver rarely
seen outside of bars without windows.
"I was shocked he was moving along the row, since the ushers always
make me use the concourse, but he stopped in front of [----], sat down
on his lap and then started to, well, bounce is the only way I can put
it," heckler Derek Zumsteg told the press afterwards. "We were all
groaning in horror but we couldn't look away. Usually I'm up for
calling the Moose a freak of nature or even giving him a good-natured
belt to the kidneys, but I was stunned and couldn't act." As the Moose
quickly exited the scene of his crime, he patted Zumsteg on the head.
The fan and his wife, names currently being withheld, had no comment
and seemed not to want to discuss the incident at all. His friends,
however, were eager to attack the Moose.
"This is by far the least talented Moose we've had yet," fellow
season-ticket holder Michael Cox said. "It's not surprising to me that
he's taken to these kind of strange behaviors. I only hope that
management realizes the mess they have on their hands and acts quickly
to keep him away from baseball."
"Of course, Lou and Woody are still here, so I'm not holding my
breath."
"I was right there and I didn't do anything," a visibly upset Jason
Barker said. "I was two seats down. But it was over so quickly. Poor
[----], I really feel sorry for him. If the Moose did that to me, I
don't know what I'd do. It's good [----]'s such a strong person."
"Molestation by mascot has plagued this sport for years, tainting our
hard-won reputation for family entertainment," AL President Gene Budig
said in a prepared statement. "Once it was acceptable, even funny, to
see a giant chicken grab some woman's butt. But today we can no longer
tolerate this kind of abberant behavior, be it from the Phanatic, the
Moose, or Surley the Brewer. I will begin a full investiagion into the
alleged behavior and other, similar alleged incidents, and I plan to
clean the league of freakish mascots who prey on horrified fans,
promoting deviant lifestyles, protected by padded costumes,
bodyguards, and anonymity."
The Moose, who is mute, had no comment but attempted to gesture at
length to convey his meaning to this reporter, who was too hardened to
play along and had a deadline to make.
-- R.N. Greenwood, ASSOCIATED PRESS