The Annotated Julia Allison: Paris ‘Poor Big Slut Girl’ Hilton
Shelton Bumgarner
reaches of the mind that is that cutie-of-pootiestness that is Julia
Allison’s blog. This time around, Julia wants her sex and reputation
too — or, at least, she wants Paris Hilton to have it.
I am incline to pretty much humor anything America’s Sweetheart ™ says
on the subject of sex — I mean, the more she talks about it, the more
likely the chances of her having sex with ME go from 0 to 0 * 1.
A single guy on the other side of the world can dream, can’t he?
But when it comes to do defending Paris Hilton’s right to be a skanky
ho, I have to draw the line. The cutest-girl-in-the-world says Paris
Hilton can be a skanky ho who is so skanky it would make a fluffer
blush and it’s ok with her. Break it down for us, girlfriend:
I’m not going to even show you the up-close screenshots, that’s how
tired/puffy/generally hideous I looked this morning, attempting to
talk on Fox & Friends (and later on The Big Story with John Gibson)
about the insidious schadenfreude this entire country (and parts of
the UK, I’m told) is experiencing over Paris Hilton’s imminent
jailtime.
Hmmm, draw us in with little-girl insecurity so we will feel bad for
you and listen to your tale of woe. Brillant!
Being a friendly contrarian by nature, I took Paris’ side. I think I’m
literally the ONLY ONE (according to a TMZ poll, 96% believe Paris
“got what she deserved.”) Look - of course it’s not okay for her to
drive drunk - jesus, I get upset when people drive seatbelt-less
(Corzine, you hear that??), but the unbridled glee with which the
nation is celebrating her punishment strikes me as a little …
unsettling.
Really? What could be more unsettling than Paris Hilton in general? An
Agent Orange baby? Paris makes “working girls” look good. At least
Ladies of the Night, like, get money and stuff. Paris already has it.
In general, I think criticism of Paris tends to be unwarranted, due
mainly to it devolving into a debate about her sexuality or purported
promiscuity, which, in my opinion, should be completely off limits for
judgment. She can sleep with the entire NFL and several Greek islands,
and I’m not really sure why that gives anyone the right to abhor her
the way they do. My thinking was - she’s rich, stunning, dresses like
a Barbie, and loves attention - I thought I smelled an unhealthy dose
of jealousy and said as much.
One thing I have learned is that Morals Exist for a Reason. It’s not
so much what Paris Hilton does — or who she does it with — it’s the
blatant disregard for the people around her and the people forced to
hear about her that bothers me. I know plenty — plenty — of women who
sleep around like rabbits on Spanish fly and generally they don’t make
me angry. What makes me angry is someone — like Paris Hilton — who
seems to get great glee in being conspicuous about it and then
essentially lying about her behavior as if we Don’t All Know What’s
Going On.
Plenty of Hollywood Starletts (Kiki, I got my eye on you) bang every
dude they can know they can score and it doesn’t bother me one lick.
So. Fucking. What. But it’s the mentality that Paris Hilton obviously
has about her behavior that irritates the shit out of me. The woman
obviously has some serious fucking problems. They used to stone people
for acting like her.
The difference between Kiki and Paris is Kiki knows that there is a
basic, biological basis for some morals that we live with everyday. If
it is obvious that someone is rich, gorgeous and having way more
potentially great sex with potentially great partners than we could
ever possibly imagine having then we get envious and start to
rationalize reasons why we should hate them.
Additionally, the person being so blatant in their behavior probably
gets a kick out of all the envy they are inducing and that is a
symptom of a general disregard for their fellow man (and woman.) Paris
is a heatsink of morality. Something about her, “Ahhhh, but why can’t
I do what I want to?” mentality comes out in strange ways (like why
she’s going to jail in the first place.)
Thus, Paris invites a vicious circle in which she does whatever she
wants, we get mad and say nasty things about her, then she gets upset
and does whatever she wants to. This leaves everyone unhappy.
And, something about Paris Hilton is just wrong. Wrong in a Biblical
sense. That much negative energy has only one place to go — down.
In any case, after I stuck up for her on John Gibson’s show, I
received this email from a friend, chastising me:
Julia -
Never would have thought of you as a Paris supporter. The reason
people can’t stand her isn’t jealousy, but because she never does
anything positive with her fame. If she even just set a good example,
telling kids to stay in school and work hard, that might make her a
little more acceptable instead of the punchline of a dirty joke. Then
again, she had all the best given to her (best schooling, best life)
and she just pissed it all away because she never gives any
consideration to having to work for herself.
Damnit!
The Lone Paris Hilton Supporter - 0. Everyone Else Who Thinks Paris
Hilton is a Tool - 259,999,999
I concede defeat.
Julia-poo in this post is able to put the idea out — Conspicuous
consumption of sex is ok in my book! — and then deflects any potential
criticism she might get by conceding defeat by the end of the post.
Gotta give those Georgetown grads credit, they’re a smart bunch.