The Season Letter
flanier
this time of year so as a pubic service, I, Claudius...er....Flanier,
will attempt to lighten the load, stop the grindstone, close the
screen door, and bury the hatchet.
"How's he gonna do that?", I heard someone in the back murmur.
Well, Bunky, I'se gonna give you the holiday letter that you send out
to all those pesky folk who you haven't thought about all year but
feel obligated to wish a Merry and Happy round this time of year. All
you have to do is change the names and send it by e to all and too all
a goodnitey nite!
Dear [Insert name here]!!
Whew! What a breath-taking year it's been for all of us!! Once again,
we've been busy, busy, busy, and we've hardly got the time to put pen
to paper!!
Once again, I've been able to flex my muscles, and despite turning
(any age you want to be here) this year, my four gold medals from
Beijing were the talk of the front AND back pages of all the papers!
They said it couldn't be done, but I managed separate golds in rowing,
cycling, AND the 100m races both in the pool and on the track. The
world records were a nice bonus, too, and (Important Person here) was
SO graceful as (S)he handed over the (Any type of reward here)
Next time, (S)he told me, it'll be a saintthood. So I gave a wink and
said "Same time, next year, then!" and we both laughed and laughed and
made a joke about the poor lollipop ladies and footballers who only
get congrats. Keep it to yourself - this kind of thing is supposed to
be hush-hush!!!
The whole thing didn't quite go to plan, as those pesky Russians tried
to spoil it for me by invading Georgia, knowing FULL WELL that my
peacekeeping efforts would be compromised by my efforts for W and
Country in Beijing. Little did Vladimir Putin know that my charming
Goodwife drives just as hard a bargain, something he only found out as
her c-punch unerringly found his groin, ensuring an early Russian
surrender.
Our friends in Washington were so impressed by her diplomacy that they
thought about cancelling last month's election, and appointing her as
President of the United States, for life. How she' would balance that
with in her bon-bons-in-bed, her career as a neuro-surgeon AND running
a busy home is anybody's guess!!
In the meantime, (insert offspring's name) has taken her SATs two
years early, and used her new-found skills to solve the world
financial crisis, by making everybody give all the money back - a
solution which somehow eluded the so-called finest brains of our
civilisation, and forced George W. to go on television to admit he is
the King of the Gits. All this while embarking in a major stadium tour
of the USA, supported by PBS AND a reformed Beatles!!
The lad (Insert lad's name here) also gone from strength to strength,
wresting golf's Ryder Cup away from various uptight American wallahs,
and posting a record-breaking round of 18 in the Open Championship.
All the prize money's going to come in handy as he designs and builds
the Space Shuttle replacement for NASA. He'll get his homework done as
soon as he and his genetically-modified monkey butler come down from
orbit!!
And as for (pet's name here), our darling little (pedigree here) – (s)
he pulled out of the World Championship this year – which (s)he has
won three years in a row – in a much publicised spat over alleged
cruelty in (dog/cat) shows. It was her own decision, and we back her
fully over her well-aimed c-punch to the boss of the Kennel Club. We
laughed and laughed!! We didn't miss the prize money, though, as she
was clever enough to strike oil in our back garden whilst burying a
bone – rolling back the global price of oil and solving the Iceland's
financial woes into the bargain. Good (dog/cat)!!
PHEW!!! That's just about it from us. Hope you had a good year, too.
Though, frankly, we couldn't care less.
Blissfully yours,
Lord B. Flanier & Family of Smugsville KFC Ph.D
rokkitsci
>Well, Bunky, I'se gonna give you the holiday letter that you send out
> to all those pesky folk who you haven't thought about all year but
> feel obligated to wish a Merry and Happy round this time of year.
Kinda reminds me of the update I just sent to Classmates:
==========================================
Having finally successfully balanced my meds, I no longer need solace
from ladies of the night regarding my unusual affinity for llamas.
Needless to say, I still miss my furry friends. Especially Velma. She
was rather cute, actually.
I was recently honored for my long-standing support of the local Our
Lady of Perpetual Sorrow Shelter for Homeless NFL Tailbacks with an
impeccably catered sit down lutefisk dinner at which the guest speaker
was none other than Billy Joe Bob "Bubba" Swarczynski, the 2003
International Cockroach Stomping Gold Medal Winner. The highlight of
the evening was when Sister Mary Magritte, feeling a little frisky
after her third cup of punch, knocked out a kick-ass version of
Bohemian Rhapsody on her accordion. Needless to say, everyone had a
wonderful time and really enjoyed the zircon-encrusted, navel lint
pickers I gave out as a door prize.
After the recent break up with my girlfriend of almost three-and-a-
half weeks, I was feeling rather despondent until I read an ad in the
latest issue of my subscription to Alfalfa Sprout Sculptures Weekly,
describing a rare opportunity to join the growing number of people who
weave pork loins into their hair. I had a little difficulty filling
out the 23-page application, particularly with the details of all of
my assets, since I didn't have the information regarding all the
account numbers and passwords easily at hand. However, I managed to
finally provide all the requested information and sent it in, along
with my cashier's check for $4,625.11, and I anticipate receiving my
Sooper Sekrit Majik Decoder Ring within 4-6 weeks. Needless to say, I
am very excited!
Last year's operation to remove an upright piano from my pituitary
gland left me with a peculiar side-effect which did not allow me to
correctly enunciate the word "coffee." Just last week, I went out for
breakfast and the waitress asked me what I'd like to drink with my
starfish-on-toast, and instead of replying with 'coffee' the only
thing that would come out of my mouth was "I hope you die of a
lingering, festering disease which causes your private parts to become
a pustulous tumor." Needless to say, I am no longer welcome at that
restaurant.
But despite the disappointment of not being selected for the job I
applied for as VP in charge of Spurious Operations for Haliburton's
Iraq Division, I manage to stay quite busy updating my list of people
who have visible nose hair. Needless to say, I can always parlay
franchise options on my list to unsuspecting Bulgarians who limp.
So, although I only eat pre-masticated armadillo giblets, you can
plainly see that I am quite happy and fulfilled in my role as
consigliere to the Council of Aging Gnome Contortionists. Needless to
say, the caption under the place in my High School Yearbook where my
picture was supposed to be read "Deliberately Omitted."
flanier
> Having finally successfully balanced my meds, ....
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!!!
I would, if I were you, check in with my medical advisor or witch
doctor, as the case may be, yet once again. You may need another
adjustment.
I've upped my meds....now...up yours!
Btw....how's the 'adjustment' to the working schedule going? Has the
wife gone mad yet?
flanier
A quick addition to the previous none-more-smug* "Season Letter" (Pat
Applied For), after a specially sharpened leaflet fell out of my copy
of "Playboy's Special Rubber & Computer CPU Fan Clean-up Edition*
(sold only in men's specialty stores in plain brown wrappers) and
sliced my foot in twain.
We hope you don't mind if we don't send a present this year, as it's
so hard to find something suitable in this day and age. Instead, we've
bought goats for the village in Northern Takeshistan where (insert
name of female offspring) did her voluntary work during her summer
vacation this year. In return, they had a vote, and made me their
king. Which was nice.
*Warning: The value of smugness may go down as well as up and no
representation of future value is made in these offerings..
Duckorange
Origial source: http://scaryduck.blogspot.com/2008/11/on-christmas-round-robin-letters-again.html
Thankessss you