Pipemen I Have Known #10
Ted Woodley
Empire music hall (vaudeville) theatre. The audience there were reputed
to be so hostile to visiting English comedians that one victim sagely
noted "If they liked you, they let you live". Certainly the
Saturday night crowd of beery Glaswegians, most with cigarettes alight,
created a steamy atmosphere of high-spirited good humour which surged
in anticipation when a putative comedian from South of the Border
nervously trod the boards. One of the rare exceptions to the disrespect
afforded to English comedy performers came on the night in the early
1950's when I saw the great Stan Laurel appear there, with Oliver
Hardy, in one of their last appearances together. The audience's
taste generally ran more to lachrymose Scottish musical ballads
involving bonnie lassies, purple heather and so on, sometimes also
including the deployment of bagpipes. But personally I always preferred
the "speciality acts": the man who would fill the stage with flags
concealed about his person, the plate spinners, the contortionists, the
unicycle riders, and many other bizarre turns.
By far my favourite, who I saw three times, was a performer billed as
"The Great Swami". He was a large bearded Indian gentleman with a
suspiciously Scottish accent who dressed in flowing white robes and
(improbably) a red fez. He performed a mind-reading act, guessing
playing cards selected by audience members and so on - entertaining but
fairly routine material. But in a unique close to his act he would ask
someone to secretly write a six digit number on a card and then,
dramatically, call on "The One True Smoke Spirit" to reveal the
numbers.
At this point the stage lights dimmed and a large glass box, about four
foot on each side and with only the lower face open, was lowered from
the flies and suspended about six foot above the stage. The Great Swami
then fired-up a large hookah pipe which had adorned his stage set,
placed it under the box, and puffed on it mightily so that great
billows of smoke rose upwards and filled the glass box. Then came the
moment I loved: The Great Swami stood beneath the box, raised his arms
heavenwards and began swirling the smoke with his hands while incanting
"I invoke The One True Smoke Spirit - REVEAL YOURSELF !".
Suddenly there was a huge cymbal crash and blinding spotlights
illuminated the box from the wings of the stage and from above, and
there in the box appeared, indubitably, a man's head, large and grey,
apparently solid but made of smoke whorling in the light. The mouth
opened and a booming voice intoned the numbers on the card. Then the
stage lights came on and the box collapsed leaving only a pall of smoke
drifting upwards. This marvellous spectacle made a great impression on
me.
Many years later while drinking in an old-style wood-panelled bar in
Kelvinbridge I saw, sitting in a corner smoking a mighty cigar and
drinking a pint of heavy with a man-sized whisky chaser, none other
than The Great Swami himself ! Though older and fez-less he was still
instantly recognisable. I went over and introduced myself and
complimented him on his act. It seemed that following the demise of the
music hall circuit after the popularisation of television he had
retired to Glasgow from Dundee where he had been brought up as plain Mo
Das by parents who had immigrated from Calcutta (as part of the jute
trade) - his many appearances at the Glasgow Empire and on the
Scottish circuit had won him many friends in the area. After yarning
for a while I raised the question I was burning to ask "How was the
smoke head effect created ?". Mr. Das replied:
"Well Mr. Woodley, according to convention I should not disclose how
any trick was performed, but as it was many years ago I suppose I can
give a few details. The spotlights we used had templates over them to
shape the beams, and the glass itself was not clear except at the front
and back - on the sides and top it was etched and slightly ground-out
to concentrate or diffuse the light, so when the beams crossed they
illuminated only a rough head-shaped volume of smoke in the centre of
the box - your imagination did the rest ! - of course moulding the
smoke with my hands was pure showmanship, it would have been impossible
to shape the smoke in that way". I must admit that, illogically, I
was a little disappointed at this prosaic explanation and felt that
something of my childhood had been lost.
After talking a bit more it was time for me to leave, I shook Mr.
Das' hand and he graciously said it had been a pleasure reminiscing
about the old times and he took up his pint and cigar again with (I
thought) a small tear in his eye. As I reached the door I glanced back
at him - there in the air in front of him, quite clear and
unmistakable, was the head of The One True Smoke Spirit, smaller than
before but grey and solid. As I watched, the head drifted slowly
upwards as the smoke curled away and dissipated into the air. The Great
Swami winked at me and took a sip of whisky.
Happy Days,
Many thanks,
Ted Woodley
Abide a wee wi' Ted here:
whisk...@sbcglobal.net
rkzenrage
Namaste'
Robert
Leonardo Herrera
[...]
Thank you for this beautiful story, Ted.
--
Leonardo Herrera L.
http://pipes.epublish.cl
Briarroot
> In my youth my father often used to take me to the famous Glasgow
Wonderful stuff! Thank you, Ted. ;-)
Regards,
Tim Parker ... Heritage in a no-name billiard
John Smith
news:1124957575.8...@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com:
> In my youth my father often used to take me to the famous Glasgow
>
> Abide a wee wi' Ted here:
>
> http://tedwoodley.tripod.com/
Marvelous yarn - these tales belong in print.
G.E.R.R.Y.
Woodley <ted_w...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> In my youth my father often used to take me to the famous Glasgow
> Empire music hall (vaudeville) theatre.
When you visited or lived in Glasgow, you may have eaten fish 'n' chips
in one of several chippies owned by my father's side of the family or
had ice cream in one of the cafés owned by my mother's side. Their
families were some of the "Tallies" or the "Eyeties" that you may have
known. ;-)
Do you think that a childhood growing up between fish 'n' chips and ice
cream might explain a lifetime tendency to put on weight easily?
Gerry < desperate for something/someone to blame >
Michael Hudson
> In my youth my father often used to take me to the famous Glasgow
> Empire music hall (vaudeville) theatre.
AHEM.
The Great
> Swami winked at me and took a sip of whisky.
>
> Happy Days,
>
> Many thanks,
>
> Ted Woodley
>
> Abide a wee wi' Ted here:
>
> http://tedwoodley.tripod.com/
Bravo, Woodley, as usual. A question if I might... is Glasgow's
denizens are rightly called Glaswegians, oughtn't the citizens of
Norway be Norwogians?
M
Ted Woodley
> cream might explain a lifetime tendency to put on weight easily?
Yes, I have partaken of both delicacies (but not the fabled deep-fried
Mars bars that some claim form a staple of the Scottish diet). Were
your family involved in the famous Glasgow Ice Cream Wars ? (a quick
web search will fill in details). One of the less savoury
characteristics of Glasgow is its tradition of casual violence, as
these reports indicate.
Many Thanks,
Ted Woodley.
Corneel Vermeulen
[yet another great story]
Ted, thanks for yet one more great story. However, it is your 10th. This
calls for something rather special as a celebration of the big one-o.
Maybe the group has suggestions?
I enjoyed it. Keep them coming.
Cheers!
Corneel.
adguru
lifetime! Of course, every new missive from the oracle falls like a
boot in an ant pile, creating a stir among the faithful at the WSG
(Woodlean Study Group).
There is quite an avid discussion currently at the WSG on the
significance of the gentleman's name: Mo Das. Is it a coincidence
that the acronym MODAS, stands for Muon Online Data Acquisition System?
MODAS is an arcane database that was employed briefly by the labeling
technology industry? Another member brought up the fact that in the
labeling industry the term for a label that does not curl up is a "No
Fiz" (Derived from a soda drink "going flat," it has "no
fiz"). Is this related, in any way, to the fact that Mo Das, is seen
without his Fez in the pub-he is "No Fez." Alarmingly close to
"No Fiz," the labeling term. Is Woodley trying to tell us Mr. Das
appeared as a "flat label"- something to be cherished in the
sphere of labeling?
There is so much that lies beneath the surface of this fascinating
vignette. Yes, we are not worthy, or as Ian has more correctly said,
"We are not Woodley."
Regards,
Ed L, WSG
Allen
Can't wait for the next. :)
Wonderful, wonderful!
-Allen
--
------
a.s.p. Brother of the Briar
May 2001
Dale Miller
--
Cheers
Dale Miller
Tennessee
ASP since February 2005
stpatri...@twlakes.net
stpatri...@twlakes.net
stpatri...@gmail.com
(cut the spam to reply)
----
Tony
before I can hardly wait for the next.
Thanks
Tony
Casablanca
again.
John
Tom Clemons
Tom Clemons
ASP Fall 1998
Cut the NOSPAM to reply
G.E.R.R.Y.
Michael Hudson <m...@reddotcommunications.com> wrote:
> if Glasgow's denizens are rightly called Glaswegians, oughtn't the
> citizens of Norway be Norwogians?
I call anything to do with that area of the world "Scandiwegian" and
virtually EVERYTHING in Wally Mart "Chiwanese".
Gerry
G.E.R.R.Y.
Woodley <ted_w...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> Were your family involved in the famous Glasgow Ice Cream Wars?
With names like Doyle, Steele, and Campbell involved? No Eyeties there,
mate. ;-)
Gerry
P.S. Most of the Italians have moved on to more mainstream careers like
teaching, medicine, etc.
Ted Woodley
Thank ye kindly for your kind words. However, at this point no
celebration is required - it is a marathon, not a sprint.
Many Thanks,
Ted Woodley
Ted Woodley
Your speculations are felicitous but I fear that Mr. Das' parents will
be long dead and so cannot comment on the naming of their son. However,
thanks for introducing a label and labelling technology motif to at
least fend off further vexatious complaints from Mike "Sticky" Gervais.
Many Thanks,
Ted Woodley
buck12ga
buck