What the Cameras Recorded at Brushwood on July 5, 7 A.M., Con Year 1998
Rev. Ivan Stang
DAY 1998" (which we sell on DVD) and transcribe all the dialog that
was actually spoken. I suppose this could be combined with video frame-
grabs and photos to make a photonovella. But that is not why I
transcribed it.
Thank goodness I was in pretty good physical shape that year, because
I spend the last half of the video sequence stark damn nekkid, being
jeered at by 300 amateur comedians.
Transcription: July 5 morning, X-Day 1998 edited video
(from DVD "X-Day 1998")
Foggy morning, 6:30 am - SubGenii approaching the pavilion at
Brushwood see a huge chemtrail X in the sky.
Unidentified SubGenius: There's a giant X in the fuckin' sky! This
wasn't all a big gyp!
Unidentified SubGenius: Bring on the Kool-Aid!
Friday Jones and Dr. Legume tote a giant Kool-Aid tub into pavilion.
People are playing with fake weapons, potato guns. One man wears a THE
END IS NEAR sandwich board. El Gordo is brushing his teeth. Papa Joe
Mama, wearing a Nazi SS officer's uniform, is leaving the trailer.
Papa Joe Mama: It'll be hell to pay for waking me up this early in the
morning!
Papa Joe takes the mic at the pavilion, where 300 people are gathered.
Papa Joe: We're missing Jesus and Stang! Is it possible that they
wimped out at the last minute? That ye have such little faith? 2000
years ago it was Judas Iscariot who wussed out on the Lord. Perhaps
there are some who are worried that if nothing happens in 20 minutes
they're gonna get beat to a bloody pulp.
Popess Lilith shouts that a white limousine has pulled into the
campground!
Papa Joe: A white limo is pulling up! Ladies and gentlemen. . . the
President of the United States has finally woken up. . .
Bands of SubGenii with toy weapons pursue the limo, yelling.
Unidentified SubGenius: Kill the pinks!
Unidentified SubGenius: Hail the limo, whoever may be in it!
The limo pulls up beside the stage. Rev. Magdalen and Someone else
exit the limo in slinky evening dresses. Men hoot. Stang and Jesus
emerge from limo, carry a crude life-size "Bob" dummy to the stage,
and lean it against the pulpit.
Stang: Don't worry, this isn't "Bob". . . just in case "Bob" doesn't
make it somebody has to negotiate.
Church organ music starts up.
Stang: If only I could tell you what I've seen in the last three
hours. But before we forget what this is all about, PRAISE FUCKING
"BOB"!
Crowd: Praise "Bob"!
Unidentified SubGenius: Praise the Kool-Aid!
Stang: Man. . . it's time to start dispensing the Kool-Aid. At exactly
7 a.m., we'll take the hit and say, Fuck 'em if they can't take a
joke! Hopefully we'll be on the saucers by the time that damn sentence
is finished. I dunno about you, but the minute I'm Ruptured, I'm going
to bed!
Audience hollers in agreement.
Stang displays an old, folded sheet of school note-paper, as well as a
photocopied blow-up of it.
Stang: This is the original paper touched by "Bob". This is the
original handwritten note, in "Bob"'s own hand that he wrote in a bar
in 1953, that says the World ends july 5, 7 am 1998, that the Xists
would come, in, according to my watch, seven minutes. . . What am I
doing? God damn it. . .I'm not gonna need this motherfucker
anymore. . .
HE VIOLENTLY SMASHES WATCH on pulpit; crowd hollers
Stang: Friends, this roof will be blown off the top of this
building. . . how long do we have?. . . 10 minutes. . . Line up for
the kool aid. As it says in Revelation X, if you have PERFECT trust
and faith, you will be ruptured, don't worry. . . Trust us. . .
People are burning money, membership cards, their clothes. . . passing
Kool-Aid cups back into the crowd. G. Gordon Gordon and Dr. Legume are
onstage burning their Ordainment Cards, and trying to holler, but
can't because they've lost their voices.
Papa Joe: We have a few Holocaustals who want to remain behind to mop
up. . . say goodbye to the Ivangelicals..
Stang: Hey - this is probably the last we'll see of each other for a
few hours. . . but hours will be meaningless in a few minutes.
Unidentified SubGenius: Where's Jesus?
Jesus steps out from crush of people on stage, waves. His beard is
gone!
Stang: Jesus has been in another. . . like I said, I can't tell you
where we've been. I honestly don't know whether it was the future or
the past.
Several cute girls come on stage, dressed in sexy outfits. Security
guys with Pipestika armbands flank Stang & Papa Joe.
Stang: Okay. . . we're getting down to the last minute. . . did
everyone sign their will, by the way? Everybody have their Kool-Aid?
We're getting down to 40 seconds. . . 35. . . 29, 28.. CROWD COUNT-
DOWN. . . 16. . . 4, 3, 2, 1, FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!
(crowd in unison)
Some toss back kool aid, some snap pictures, Stang holds "ready to
beam up" pose but eyes shift around in panic.
Stang: Uh, one more, 10 9 8. . . 2 1 FUCKEM. . ..
Unidentified SubGenius: Why hast thou forsaken me?
Unidentified SubGenius: Uh. . .
Unidentified SubGenius: What a gyp! This sucks!
(laughing. . . a smattering look really upset)
Papa Joe: Reverend Stang, are you sure this is written in the actual
hand of JR "Bob" Dobbs? Wait a minute, I have a terrible feeling,
friends. . . somebody was holding it upside down. . . (he turns it
upside down) What if he meant the year eight thousand six hundred and
sixty-one?
Crowd uproar, some applause and laughter,
Papa Joe: I don't know if I can hold out that long.
Stang: There is some scotch tape on this note. . . but "Bob" didn't
change the. . . he didn't mention any changes. . .
Unidentified SubGenius: Oh sure, Stang!
Unidentified SubGeniuses: Kill Stang kill "Bob" KILL STANG
Susie the Floozy (mute from losing her voice earlier) is banging her
head on the pulpit.
Stang: But. . . maybe he swung another deal, I dunno. . . I mean he
said he COULD swing another deal. Hell, we might have to... I don't
want to have to do this again next year!
Papa Joe: There's no reason we can't keep up the spirit though. Plenty
of people have calculators here, somebody do the math. How many
seconds until 8661?
Stang: That can't be right. . . I always wondered what that apostrophe
was doing right before that 8.
Unidentified SubGenius: 7 o'clock Dallas time!
Legume: He's a fucking charlatan! He's been fuckin lying to us all
these years! There's no "Bob" Dobbs, it's just a fucking dummy!
Stang: But "Bob" told me. . .
Legume: Friends, we need some women up here!
3 women go onstage, start stripping Stang while he is held by Legume,
Ed Strange and Luciferian Liberation Front soldiers.
Papa Joe: We tried to warn him, children - he wouldn't listen. You
can't take all the money, all the girls and all the slack and never
have to pay it back.
Stang: I just work here! No. . ..
They strip him.
Papa Joe: It's true! He only has one.
Stang: They're retracted. I'm scared!
Papa Joe: Any last words, Ivey? Okay. . .
Legume pours gunk from can onto naked Stang.
Stang: What the fuck are you doing? What is this?
Papa Joe: Motor oil! We're gonna need a good lubricant, aren't we,
children?
Legume pours a bag of pink feathers over naked, oiled-up Stang; they
stick.
Stang: Anybody up for a last minute porno movie?
Papa Joe: I think that's as close as we're gonna get to having him
bend over and take it where it counts.
Stang: I'm afraid "Bob" did that to me some 20 years ago.
Jesus: Ladies and gentlemen. . . Not that I didn't have faith, or was
prepared for this in any way; all the way down to the wire I thought
we would be ruptured. . .but just in case, we have prepared for
you. . . (He whips out new sticker with no "1998"). . . the new
official SubG sticker, only $2. . . "July 5 - 7 am!"
Stang is being pushed by the mob down to the brackish Brushwood pond,
herded by a hundred weirdos, but with Revs. Susie, Friday Jones,
Christina Bucket and The Rabbi gripping him tightly, frog-marching
him.
Stang: Maybe. . . maybe you shouldn't believe everything you read!
Unidentified SubGenius: Shut up, Stang!
Stang: He said the world ends TOMORROW and you may die. TOMORROW!
Tomorrow. . .
He is unceremoniously pushed into the pond, which is cold and muddy
and shallow, but stinking with microlife and rot.
Stang: It smells like shit! It's gross!
Modemac: Look at this as a baptism!
Unidentified SubGenius: Who's laughing now?
The stark naked, feather-covered Stang, scooping up handfuls of germ-
infested water, wipes enough oil off his eyes to finally see again. He
looks around at his surroundings: 300 SubGeniuses lining the banks of
the pond, jeering, laughing and pointing.
Stang: Maybe these are the escape vessels. . . maybe I'm just not
believing enough. I believe, "Bob", I believe. I still believe in you,
"Bob"! I still love you!
G. Gordon Gordon: Now you pay for your sins, Ivan!
Stang: I may be being baptised in shit, but that's nothing compared to
what you fuckers are gonna have to deal with. . . Maybe we got the
math wrong or something, I dunno. . . Hey, it's not my fault, I'm not
"Bob"!
Gordon: Yes you are! Get back in the water, Stang!
Stang: You believed him too!
Unidentified SubGeniuses: Show us "Bob" then! Show us "Bob"! Bring him
before us!
Stang: All I did was paste up the fucking pamphlet.
Unidentified SubGenius: Show us the money!
Pastor Pressure is setting fire to a big fake balsa-wood flying saucer
across the pond.
Gordon: Look, Stang. They're burning the UFO. That's what they think
of your cheap prophecy bullshit, Stang! That's right, Stang. Look at
it! Weep!
Stang: So this is X-Day.
Pastor Pressure: Hey Stang! I got your saucer right here. It's made of
balsa wood and paper, just like the church.
Stang: Maybe they're just small. Maybe they're just little, you know?
Gordon: What, the size of shirt buttons or something like that?
Unidentified SubGenius: Big words from the pink chicken!
Saucer is burning.
Pastor Pressure:Stang! Here are your dreams! I hope you made enough
money to buy a fuckin Dairy Queen franchise!
Stang, nude, muddy, shivering, tries to leave water.
Gordon: Get back in the water, you're a horrible sight!
Stang: Have mercy, please!
Unidentified SubGeniuses, chanting: Triple our money back! Triple!
Triple! Triple! Class action! Class action! Class action!
Stang: Is this enough humiliation for you people?
Unidentified SubGenius: Hell no! We're just getting started!
Stang: I believed it. . . I still believe it, god damn it! I still
believe in "Bob"! I still love "Bob"! This is just a test! That's it,
a test! And I'm the only one who passed the god damn test! I'll
betcha. You guys fucked it up! It said. . . it said if you had faith,
they would come! This shows you didn't have faith! YOU fucked it up
for ME, god damn it!
Unidentified SubGenius: Ivan, we'll let you out of the pond in 8661!
Unidentified SubGenius: So do we drink the kool aid now?
Stang: Yeah, maybe then you'll get your eternal salvation or triple
your money back!
Susie: For years I trusted you! I gave up everything. . .
Stang: Me? You motherfuckers have me mixed up with "Bob" Fuckin'
Dobbs, don't you? You motherfuckers never once believed in "Bob"! You
fuckers thought "Bob" was a god damned piece of clip art and nothing
more, right? ADMIT IT! Admit it, you fuckers! I'm standing here,
showing my all. . .
Crowd chants: We want "Bob"! We want "Bob"!
Stang: Okay. . . okay, fine. (Copying their chant) 'We are abnormal!
We are abnormal!' Fuck! Let the anti"Bob" have the fucking planet. If
this is the best you can do. . .
Unidentified SubGenius: Hey, at least he shows up!
Unidentified SubGenius: We are all individuals!
Stang: You're all a bunch of chickenshits!
Someone hands Stang a pink towel.
Unidentified SubGenius: Oh look it's pink!
Many in Crowd: Pink boy! Pink boy! Pink boy! Mock mock mock! Humiliate
humiliate humiliate! Jeer! Taunt! Point in general direction!
Stang: In the country of the nutless, the one-nutted man is. . .
Unidentified SubGenius: . . . is still nuts!
Stang: Now I see what this whole fucking mutant abnormality thing is
really all about. A fucking Stang fan club. . . and when you decided
that "Bob" Dobbs was just a fucking piece of clip art. . . That's
what you think now, isn't it? It's so easy to trick you. . . you'll
see. . . mark my fucking words, you'll find out how real "Bob" is, and
you'll find out how real that Stark fucking Fist is! The world DOES
END TOMORROW, and you may die - you WILL die! Everybody here will die!
Every prediction I make will come true eventually!
Unidentified SubGenius: Whatevah.
Unidentified SubGenius: I believe in "Bob". . . it's you I don't
believe in anymore, Ivan!
Satan appears in long robes by the pond bank and beckons to Stang.
Stang: I'm gonna go with this guy. This guy's right. I had the wrong
guy all along. Hail Satan.
Satan: Stick with me and you'll be fine.
Jesus: Hey, wait a minute! I thought I was your business partner.
Stang: Oh, fuck you, Jesus. You had your chance. Hail Satan!
Satan leads Stang through the crowd back to the pavilion as Jesus
calls for a clean-up crew. Antimusic starts.
Passing the "Bob" dummy propped up against the stage, Stang grabs it
by the lapels and shakes it in rage, then sobs. Holds up "5th of July"
sign sadly.
Stang: I guess you can all go home now. I hope everybody's satisfied.
Unidentified SubGenius: You fuckers have been making fun of me all
weekend but I was right! I didn't give "Bob" my fucking money! Who's
laughing now? WHO'S FUCKING LAUGHING NOW?!
Susie: Fucked me in all my holes, he did. I just wanted to get in
there and fuck "Bob". . . but "Bob" fucked everybody!
"Bob" dummy has been left hanging from the pavilion rafters by its
neck.
Jesus - Um. . . Thanks for coming. I wanna point out - I heard a lot
of people going, "Well, I was wondering how you were gonna end
this. . ." This is just one possibility out of 10,000 possibilities. I
prefer to think we were ruptured, and that my planet, that I formed,
looks just like earth in 1998. The only difference is the Church of
the SubGenius WILL take over the world! Now, sure, you guys're just
clones living in my dream world, but hey! Why not! So we'll be here
next year for an even bigger fucking party so. . .
Stang: So stay alive for another 365 god damned days! Build your own
ship!
People frop idly while wandering the pavilion and chatting.
Unidentified Pagan Girl, to cameraman Damon Smith: Do you remember me?
Yeah? Do you remember me with my clothes on?
Stang's van dashboard is noticed to display the mileage number:
127,394. A 273!
C. Woolard
Boy, that "Unidentified Subgenius" guy sure argues with himself a lot.
--
corcater
trousn
OuroborosRex
This is the bit I used in the bridge of Susie's new Bobsong, which
you should be getting in a week or two:
>CROWD COUNT-
> DOWN. (starting at 10). . . 4, 3, 2, 1, FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!
> (crowd in unison)
>
> Some toss back kool aid, some snap pictures, Stang holds "ready to
> beam up" pose but eyes shift around in panic.
>
> Stang: Uh, one more, 10 9 8. . . 2 1 FUCKEM. . ..
>
> Unidentified SubGenius: Why hast thou forsaken me?
>
> Unidentified SubGenius: Uh. . .
That last "Uh..." is you. I time stretched it reeeal long. =)
Popess Pantiara Evokovitch
>
> read more »
Why can't we do this every year? We don't even have to dunk Stang...
we can dunk the one who's proven him/herself most obnoxious that year.
Rev. Ivan Stang
> On Sun, 15 Nov 2009 09:27:18 -0800 (PST), "Rev. Ivan Stang"> I said that? Funny, one would think that those of us who were there
> on that fateful day would remember every moment of it, etched forever
> in our memories.
Well it SOUNDED like you to my ear. Which is damaged. The cameras were
all pointing at me so you don't see the faces of the torturers most of
the time. A couple of time "Unidentified SubGenius" is probably a
young and chubby Two Beans.
>All I remember, other than Stang getting oiled and
> feathered and pond dunked, was getting on stage and giving this
> half-asleep rant that apparently some people liked; and I got overly
> emotional over it because I'd been up for 24 hours and was exhausted.
That was a wonderful rant, and some bits of it are in the edited
video, but I didn't type that part up because my hands were tired and
it didn't have bearing on the project I needed the "Failed X-Day"
dialog for.
>
> I do remember the moment when you were in the Pond, Stang, and you
> suddenly said: "....wait a minute, where the hell am I? Last thing I
> remember, I was in seventh grade trying marijuana for the first time."
> --
Well that was originally a Janor line if I'm not mistaken. After 1998,
Janor started accusing me of exploiting him, and so I basically
stopped exploiting Janor in any way shape or form. Then he accused me
of abandoning him.
He finally got something right!
Rev. Ivan Stang
available at:
http://www.subgenius.com/scatalog/video.htm
and has this blurb:
AWARD WINNER (Dallas Video Festival). Here it is, remastered and
slightly trimmed for DVD, the end of the world on YOUR TV! 6
cameramen died to bring you this hellfire-paced, nudity-tainted
glimpse into the churning guts of SLACK -- the four day end-of-the
world festival condensed into 1 hour 44 minutes! See the Battle of
Armageddon, Naked "Bob"tisms, the top preachers in full-on rant mode,
Anti-music from Einstein's Secret Orchestra, Bill T. Miller, JHVH
Hates Phred; Hideous Nude Blood Wrestling, More Ranting, the
Countdown, Stang's Humiliation. Learn why we're still on Earth (IF
THIS REALLY IS EARTH!)! STUPIFYING computer animated intro by
Champion Jack Codini. Extras include the 23 minute 5X-Day 2002 video
and more.
and has these features:
1 hour 44 minutes
Much nudity, profane language.
Highlights/Cast
Dr. Onan Canobite
Rev. Nickie Deathchick
Past X-Day Drills Recap
Champion Jack Codini's killer title attack animation
Rev. Susie the Floozy
Rev. Ivan Stang
Sister Decadence
The Scourging of Stang by the Nunsnakes
Rev. David Lynch
Hideous Wotan Doktor Music
Dr. Dynasoar
The Luciferian Liberation Front
Popess Lilith Von Fraumench
Rev. Betsy Fuckin' Ross
Rev. Televangela
IrRev. Friday Jones
Art and Tattoos
@ndrew Plans an Orgy
Stang's Pre-Excuses
Rev. 3.0
Onan Canobite song: "Are You a SubGenius?"
Blood Wrestling Matches (Dr. K'taden Legume & Nickie Deathchick,
referees):
Friday vs. Christina Bucket
El Gordo Vs. Angel
Mass Rassling
Papa Joe Mama vs. Stang
The Rabbi Vs. Stang
Battle of Armageddon Weapons Testing:
Rev. Jesus Christ
Stang & Legume
Dr. Chris Lee
IrRev. Friday Jones
Ed Strange
Dale Ashmun's Sound Effects
Pastor Pressure on Fuckumenicals
Duke of Uke: "Anarchy in the U.K."
@ndrew's orgy
Flesh Auction with Jesus, Christina Bucket
Bill T. Miller King of Slack concert
Papa Joe Mama sermon
Einstein's Secret Orchestra concert
Michele George violin
Lonesome Cowboy Dave
Rev. Susie the Floozy burlesque
Impromptu Bible Burning
Pill Dispensation
Singalong: "Us and All Our Friends Are So Fucked Up"
Luciferian Liberation Front preaching
Hog Butchering and Dr. G. Gordon Gordon
Naked Bobtism
Maelstrom of Slack
Papa Joe Mama's Swag Shack
Two Pirate Radio Stations
Rev. Phloighd
JVHV Hates Phred
Rev. Brad…?
ESO jam
Prelude to Armageddon - speeches
The Battle of Armageddon
Sterno rants
Roast Pink Feast
Popess Lilith rant
Bill T. Miller concert
Popess Nikita Gardner
Papa Joe Mama rant
Hellpope Huey lecture
Someone else bellydance
Head Launching by Dynamite Accident
Launching of the Piglike PalmerHead
Wedding of Dr. Dynasoar and Lady 380
(400 preachers and 1 couple)
Marriage of Jesus and Magdalen
St. Andrew the Impaled show
Midnight Sex Goddesses onstage orgy
X in the Sky at Dawn
7 a.m. countdown
The Dreadful Aftermath (Stang tarred and feathered)
Satan Saves Stang
Farewell Rants: Modemac, Jesus
St. Byron Werner describes OJ Simpson killing Stang
Credits over Onan's "Are You a SubGenius?"
EXTRAS:
5X-Day 2002 (22 minute dokumentary)
X-Day Commercial
6 DVD menu pages have minute-long special hypnotic soundtracks, trance-
inducing collage imagery
Not recommended for mature audiences
Popess Pantiara Evokovitch
Radix Lecti Artemia Salina
*Least* obnoxious would be better.
--
Ultra-Hyper Potent-Honcho.
Rev. Ivan Stang
wrote:
After having spent a few minutes a day for the last month staring
through a microscope at the typical denizens of ONE DROP of stagnant
pond water, I seriously doubt that it would be possible for anyone to
plant me in that Brushwood muck pond ever again, no matter how many
redheaded Light Plumpers gang up on me.
I once saw Rocknar eat a mouthful of that gunk, though. He had already
passed the Test of Rock and Stick but he ate the gunk anyway.
I WILL NEVER KISS HIM.
Did I mention
http://www.subgenius.com/scatalog/video.htm
? That's where the DVD is. It has subtitles that identify each
SubGenius.
Rev. Ivan Stang
>
> Did I mentionhttp://www.subgenius.com/scatalog/video.htm
> ? That's where the DVD is. It has subtitles that identify each
> SubGenius.
Did I mention that before the climactic nekkid Stang ending, almost
half the Girls of X-Day stripped and rassled nekkid in the red food
coloring? I just thought I'd mention that. In 1998 much of the
Internet hadn't been invented yet and the ladies weren't thinking
about job interviews vs. Google in 2005.
Rev. Richard Skull
But Doc Martain nevr shows up at X-Day. I I don'r want to to EVER show
up at X-Day!
Rev. Ivan Stang
Perhaps I should remind all before this goes much further that Dr.
Legume and I generally dunk everybody who's not shy in the swimming
pool during the Bobtism. I feel it is important that we always
distinguish between dunking in the indoor swimming pool with its
chlorinated water, and dunking in the pond, with its DEATH FESTER.
Why didn't we think of this the year the three Chickenheds were there?
After squeezing the cheap beer out of them, we could have used their
spongelike bodies to sop up half the microlife in that stangnant pond.
Lord Cyclohexane
> Why didn't we think of this the year the three Chickenheds were there?
> After squeezing the cheap beer out of them, we could have used their
> spongelike bodies to sop up half the microlife in that stangnant pond.
Are you indicating that Chick-n-hed might be GOOD FOR SOMETHING?
Heresy.
Also, I'd like to include that, for anyone still vaccilating on
whether to buy the DVD or not, there's a really hawt scene where a
number of delicious Connietites are wrasslin' in the pool which I
found to be more than worth the cost of the DVD.
Additionally, I'd be quite remiss if I failed to mention: LIVE
performances by Einstein's Secret Orchestra (that electric violin is
100% genuine, Grade-A badass) and Andrew The Impaled!
Honestly, after paying my $30 to "Bob", this was the best $20 I've
spent.