The Official Great Secret Of The SubGenii
nu-monet v9.0
and tell you it isn't so, but the Church of the SubGenius
actually has a Great Secret that they never share with
anyone. They think that you either have to figure it out
yourself, or that you are unworthy. But I beg to differ.
In fact, I will tell you about it. I will give you the
Great Secret, that they never will. And though you might
at first not agree with it, or even fully understand its
significance, the more you think about it, the more you will
realize that it must be true.
To start with, everyone already knows that:
"The SubGenius MUST have Slack!"
That truth is branded onto your very forehead, just above
your third nostril, the very first time you enter the Church.
By now, that brand has migrated through your skin, penetrated
your skull, and has already started to eat its way through
your prefrontal lobe. It is no longer an idea, it is part of
your very brain itself:
"The SubGenius MUST have Slack!"
But when the initiate asks his first question, some variation
of "But where can I get Slack?", that is when the LIE begins.
"The SubGenius MUST have Slack!", they will tell them. Then,
not having the faintest idea of what they *really* mean by
that, they are puzzled. "You cannot be given Slack, or get
more Slack. You must have Slack in the first place", they say.
But that is the BIG LIE.
Oh, in part it is the truth. If you did not have at least a
smidgen of Slack to begin with, you wouldn't be having this
coversation in the first place. Instead, for the rest of your
miserable, pathetic, merehume life, you would be struggling to
climb the ladder of pinkhood, with the ambition of becoming a
powerful glorp within the CONspiracy, even though none of those
words would have any meaning to you. And you wouldn't even
have enough ambition to get enough FALSE SLACK to make it past
the first rung of the CONspiracy ladder anyway.
So it is true, "The SubGenius MUST have Slack!"
But the GREAT SECRET is about Slack itself.
Simply put, you can BUY MORE SLACK!!
And this is the GREAT SECRET the Church elders so passionately
defend.
See the truth of it. Why do they fight so very hard for you
to NOT send in more money to BUY Slack? Money that would
cross their cheeseburger-stained fingers enroute to the great
wallet of "Bob", Himself.
And, from which, "Bob" would anoint your brow with the jism
of Slackful Bukakke, giving his priceless essense to you,
right up your third nostril and in your eyes and hair.
"Bob"'s Pearl Necklace of pure, undiluted, invisible Slack,
right in your face.
And that would soon be absorbed to become part of your Slack,
enlarging it, enhancing it, strengthening it, so that your
Slack powers would be increased many times over.
You can BUY Slack!
So despite their protestations, you must force them to
accept every penny you can scrape together to buy yourself
MORE Slack!
Use up that inheritance! Spend the kids' college money!
Cash in your insurance policies, sell your stocks and bonds,
and redeem all that gold!
Because all of that is meaningless COMPARED TO SLACK!
With Slack ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
So do not miss out. Buy every bit of Slack that you can
before time runs out. If Reverend Stang refuses your
money, drive to his very doorway and force that briefcase
full of dollars into his arms. Then SLAM that door in
his face before he can pitch it right out again.
For once sacred dollars are in his hand, Reverend Stang
cannot deny "Bob" the filthy lucre he so craves.
So wave after wave of Slack will soon pour over you, a
veritable waterfall of "Bob" spunk. And your eyes will
be open, if stinging slightly, and your orifices will
all be filled with the almighty ambergris of Slack.
And you will become like unto "Bob" Himself.
--
Be Sure To Visit the 'SubGenius Reverend' Blog:
http://slackoff.blogspot.com/
***********
"YOU BELONG TO US NOW!"
"GET DOWN WITH MY SICKNESS!!"
--Kino Beman, brand name
Baldin Lee Pramer
> Simply put, you can BUY MORE SLACK!!
All it takes is Runescape gold!
BLP
HellPopeHuey
> So wave after wave of Slack will soon pour over you, a
> veritable waterfall of "Bob" spunk. And your eyes will
> be open, if stinging slightly, and your orifices will
> all be filled with the almighty ambergris of Slack.
>
> And you will become like unto "Bob" Himself.
Um... two-dimensional and frozen in place? Must be a bent tachyon
issue. At least you see that Enzyte Bob MOVE once in a while.
--
HellPope Huey
I love to go swimmin' with bowlegged women
and swim between their no-load mutual fund portfolios
and their Koegh accounts.
One is not superior merely because
one sees the world as odious.
~ Chateaubriand
Idle hands are the devil's butt floss.
~ Nu-Monet