A SubGenius Funeral

[Rev. Diva Schematic]

Don't worry, I haven't died, yet.

Over on another forum in which we discuss things and stuff, we were
talking about music at one's funeral. There was a brief discussion of
there being no music at Jewnerals, and that got me thinking. Has there
been one, a SubGenius funeral? If there has, what was it like, and if
there hasn't, what WOULD it include. Would there be rules?

How would a SubGenius funeral work?

[SODDI]

"Rev. Diva Schematic" <flaming...@blueyonder.co.uk> wrote in message
news:BfGpk.21086$2X3....@newsfe13.ams2...

Didn't Legume just hold a memorial for Chas? Axe Legume.

[just john]

Generally, it DOESN'T work.

A true SubGenius funeral is so screwed up that the deceased gets up and
leaves in disgust.

You remember in that New Testament, where Jesus rose from the dead?
That's 'cuz they threw him a SUBGENIUS funeral.

(As any SubGenius can tell you, anybody who can make wine that cheaply
is too useful to let go.)

--
* Radio Free Entropy: http://just-john.com/cn/rfe.shtml

[Morose, aka Doktor Holocaust]

On Aug 16, 4:02 pm, "SODDI" <ernst_stavros_blof...@smersh.net> wrote:
>
> Didn't Legume just hold a memorial for Chas? Axe Legume.

at X-day. I was not acquainted with the Professor and didn't attend
the memorial. I heard stories, though. the great madmen of history
were conjured from their graves to escort the departed to Heaven as
part of the Church's ongoing War on God, and many glowsticks were lost
up someone's butt.

It is my understanding that the dead did indeed rise for this
ceremony, so it is in keeping with Just John's theories

another possible SubGenius funeral can be viewed in the movie Last
Action Hero, and involves an explosive farting corpse.

[nu-monet v10.0]

You have to assume that you have stolen the body from
their fambly. After removing the parts you want to
keep, you need to remember to dig the hole before you
have sex with the body, otherwise you will be too
pooped and end up just dumping it in a canal or
taking a dump or something.

After dumping the body in the shallow grave, some of
the Reverends like to pitch in sacrificial items like
cheeseburgers, a dozen day old donuts with bites out
of a few, some MD 20/20 after properly bladder
straining, and some Scatalog swag. Coffee grounds are
good too, as they help throw the dogs off the scent.

Others just insert some interesting objects into their
rectum for either the pathologist or anthropologists
to find.

You can say some shit over the grave, but nobody will
care.

Funerals at sea are even easier, especially at night,
when they are really drunk, and nobody else is around.

--
2008 is the SubGenius YEAR OF THE ZOOB!
Be Sure To Visit the 'SubGenius Reverend' Blog:
http://slackoff.blogspot.com/
***********
"YOU BELONG TO US NOW!"
"GET DOWN WITH MY SICKNESS!!"

--Kino Beman, brand name

[Rev. Beergoggles]

Rev. Diva Schematic wrote:

> How would a SubGenius funeral work?

You rifle through the pockets, check to see if the
cloths fit, and dump the body in a rubbish bin before
going out to the local pub to celebrate.

Or was that a politicians funeral?

I forget.

--
rbg

[Zapanaz]

Rev. Diva Schematic hunched over a computer, typing feverishly;

Coincidentally somebody just posted at least a part of a description
of a SubGenius funeral on their blog ... in this page

http://clintjcl.wordpress.com/

Search for this text: "At some point, there was a sort of dedication"
(without the quotes)

I kinda like what they did with it. I haven't heard the Hour of Slack
with the complete version yet.

--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialist
http://joecosby.com/
America's Funniest Floating Bloated Corpses!

:: Currently listening to Sack 'o woe, 1975, by Julian Cannonball Adderly, from "Phenix"

[Rev. Richard Skull]

On Aug 16, 3:54 pm, "Rev. Diva Schematic"

First, upon hearing of the passing of a fellow Subgenius, we must make
sure they are really dead (ths is called the Lugume Rule)

So we shoot cans of Cheese Whiz up the Cadavers nose until it shoots
out its ears. Then teabag it.

Once Death is confirmed, we rifle the pockets for valuables, since the
deceased will be gettting triple its money back from"Bob", it won't be
needing its Rolex, pocket change, and AMEX Card.

Then the pre-funeral is performed. This is whrer the hoe of the
deceased it scoured for ay good music, prOn, frop stashes, prOn, and
secret treasure.

Once all profitable materials are removed, the body is placed in a
dignified maner along the curb on trash day with a sign hung around
its neck saying "FREE!"

[Curtis R Anderson]

Rev. Richard Skull wrote:

> First, upon hearing of the passing of a fellow Subgenius, we must make
> sure they are really dead (ths is called the Lugume Rule)
>
> So we shoot cans of Cheese Whiz up the Cadavers nose until it shoots
> out its ears. Then teabag it.
>
> Once Death is confirmed, we rifle the pockets for valuables, since the
> deceased will be gettting triple its money back from"Bob", it won't be
> needing its Rolex, pocket change, and AMEX Card.
>
> Then the pre-funeral is performed. This is whrer the hoe of the
> deceased it scoured for ay good music, prOn, frop stashes, prOn, and
> secret treasure.
>
> Once all profitable materials are removed, the body is placed in a
> dignified maner along the curb on trash day with a sign hung around
> its neck saying "FREE!"

That was for such a good laugh it made more poops come out during my
"bring the laptop into the loo and excremeditate after going out for a
few beers" cycle.
--
Curtis R. Anderson, Co-creator of "Gleepy the Hen", still
Email not munged, SpamAssassin [tm] in effect.
http://www.gleepy.net/ mailto:gle...@intelligencia.com
mailto:gle...@gleepy.net (and others) Yahoo!: gleepythehen

[Shining Path of Least Resistance]

Nice try you clowns but none of these suggested
funeral ceremonies would be appropriate for
honored subs in the presence of their loved ones,
offspring, and relatives. Funerals are really for them
as you all know. So show some respect!

So first an appopriate display of the body, if it is
in any condition to be displayed.

Think a raised plinth, or a clear plexiglass pyramid.
Or a propped up inside a supermarket display for their
favorite snack food procuct. It may be hard to find
mine, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee's Spaghetti Os.

[Rev. Tom Sane]

I don't care about how my funeral works but I have stated my burial
preference. Instead of a headstone I want a memorial speed bump. I
also want to be buried near the entrance of the cemetary so that
everyone will have to drive over my speed bump and my speed bump will
be one of those tall angular deals that will mess up your allignment
if you drive over it too fast, tear off front ground effect kits and
low hanging mufflers.

My speed bump will become obsolete when everyone starts driving flying
cars but then people will wonder why there is a bump in the road.

I think this is something I will have to work out with a cemetary
before I die and very clearly lay out in my will because my heirs
might not understand my desire to fuck with people from beyond the
grave (with the grave).

[Zapanaz]

Rev. Tom Sane hunched over a computer, typing feverishly;

Thunder crashed, Rev. Tom Sane laughed madly, then wrote:

>I don't care about how my funeral works but I have stated my burial
>preference. Instead of a headstone I want a memorial speed bump. I
>also want to be buried near the entrance of the cemetary so that
>everyone will have to drive over my speed bump and my speed bump will
>be one of those tall angular deals that will mess up your allignment
>if you drive over it too fast, tear off front ground effect kits and
>low hanging mufflers.

funeral arrangements give me the creeps.

Whatever they do after I die ... I'll be DEAD, so either I won't see
it, or if there is some kind of other life, I kind of hope I'll be at
some point where I won't care about all of this stuff.

A friend recently (who worked for years with terminally-ill patients,
and whose father recently died) was urging me to get all of that stuff
in order; making sure that there was enough money to get me buried if
I died. I said "look, if I'm dead, I really don't CARE what they do
with the body". Which is true, but she has seen the other side;
distraught relatives trying to do the right thing. I said "you're my
friend, if I die before you do, have me cremated, it doesn't matter
how. It can't be that expensive." In fact, her father was Buddhist,
and was cremated, but the whole thing still worked out to be an
expensive hassle. So I said "well just have me microwaved".

It struck me as funny and kind of appropos, but it wasn't very
productive.

--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialist
http://joecosby.com/

I don't judge a book by it's cover. I judge it by how many pages are stuck together
- The Rev. Ivan Stang

:: Currently listening to The Grande Passion, 2000, by Al Di Meola, from "The Grande Passion"

[Rev Egg Plant]

Rev. Richard Skull wrote:
> On Aug 16, 3:54 pm, "Rev. Diva Schematic"
> <flamingkitt...@blueyonder.co.uk> wrote:
>> Don't worry, I haven't died, yet.
>>
>> Over on another forum in which we discuss things and stuff, we were
>> talking about music at one's funeral. There was a brief discussion of
>> there being no music at Jewnerals, and that got me thinking. Has there
>> been one, a SubGenius funeral? If there has, what was it like, and if
>> there hasn't, what WOULD it include. Would there be rules?
>>
>> How would a SubGenius funeral work?
>
> First, upon hearing of the passing of a fellow Subgenius, we must make
> sure they are really dead (ths is called the Lugume Rule)
>
> So we shoot cans of Cheese Whiz up the Cadavers nose until it shoots
> out its ears. Then teabag it.
>
> Once Death is confirmed, we rifle the pockets for valuables, since the
> deceased will be gettting triple its money back from"Bob", it won't be
> needing its Rolex, pocket change, and AMEX Card.

You assume much, squire. Most SubGenii don't have 2 nickels to rub
together as pocket change, let alone a Rolex and Amex card.

> Then the pre-funeral is performed. This is whrer the hoe of the
> deceased it scoured for ay good music, prOn, frop stashes, prOn, and
> secret treasure.
>
> Once all profitable materials are removed, the body is placed in a
> dignified maner along the curb on trash day with a sign hung around
> its neck saying "FREE!"

Well, at least that's accurate, FREE from the Conspiracy's clutches, maybe.

[Rev Egg Plant]

Shining Path of Least Resistance wrote:

> ...propped up inside a supermarket cart with their

> favorite snack food procuct. It may be hard to find
> mine, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee's Spaghetti Os.

IFYPFY

[Frop]

SubG aren't funeral-fodder. We are simply recycled.

[Rev. Ivan Stang]

On Aug 16, 3:54 pm, "Rev. Diva Schematic"
<flamingkitt...@blueyonder.co.uk> wrote:

The late Prof. Chas Smith had a whole bunch of SubGenius-tainted
funerals. First there was a wake, which was a party at the funeral
home. That involved a drum circle (Chas was into that). The next day
was the actual funeral. Several of his friends and relatives spoke
about him. As the coffin was carried out, Chas's last few song
recordings were played. They were all very sad songs and I bawled like
a baby. After the coffin was put in te ground there was another drum
circle.

That was all last October. This summer, there were three more
Farewells to Chas, all at Brushwood, on the site of his old camp, Camp
Tiki Banzai -- which was left intact by Brushwood, with Chas art all
over the place. For the one during X-Day Drill, Dr. Legume hosted a
"Baptism of the Dead" in which all the SubGenii lined up and drew
cards which made them, for ceremonial purposes, villains of the past
like Stalin and Pol Pot. One by one Legume gave them a sip of red-
colored moonshine (representing the AIDS-blood of Chas) and forgave
their sins so they could go to Heaven. This was attended by a dummy
Chas corpse.

During Starwood there was a huge party with photos of Chas projected
on a screen, a light show, a band consisting of all his old ESO
bandmates playing his songs, the Chas corpse dummy and coffin, and a
big crowd of half-nekkid partyers. Come to think of it there was a
smaller version of this in a cabin at Winterstar during February.

Then in early August there was a Rumble in the Jungle at Brushwood (an
annual outdoor party started by Chas and his friends a few years
back). The music got rained out, but a huge funeral pyre was built and
on it was placed a decorated coffin with a dummy Chas inside. This one
was more like a Viking funeral.

So, yeah, when we bury one a Great SubGenius we bury the hell out of
it, AND we burn the hell out of it too. I say "we" but these fun death-
related activities were mostly planned by Dr. Legume, Rev. Ed Strange
and Rev. Bob Mozik.

There are brief verbal descriptions of these on the latest Hour of
Slack, #1167, a live one from last Sunday which I am gonna post later
this week.

[Rev. Back It On Up 13]

That's really nice.

I told sifu that when I'm dead, I want him to have a big party. He
agreed but I'm positive there isnt' gonna be any party. And most of
my friends will probably be dead by then, too, unless beetus claims me
early.

[Marquis Des Moines]

On Aug 16, 2:54 pm, "Rev. Diva Schematic"

I want my body donated to science. By which I mean that I want my
corpse to be used as a temporary crash test dummy by the Mythbusters
guys.

[SODDI]

"Rev. Back It On Up 13" <evie...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:718fa6dd-daf8-4135...@d1g2000hsg.googlegroups.com...

>That's really nice.

I've asked Anna Maria to have my shell fed into a woodchipper to spray and
fertilize a field of my favorite fruit.

I like rasberries.

[Rev. Back It On Up 13]

On Aug 19, 4:17 pm, "SODDI" <ernst_stavros_blof...@smersh.net> wrote:
> "Rev. Back It On Up 13" <eviel...@aol.com> wrote in messagenews:718fa6dd-daf8-4135...@d1g2000hsg.googlegroups.com...

> I like rasberries.- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

Head first or feet first? Or bent in half and butt first?

[SODDI]

"Rev. Back It On Up 13" <evie...@aol.com> wrote in message

news:774a440f-6904-4bac...@p25g2000hsf.googlegroups.com...

From how I've had it explained to me, in quarters - like a chicken.

[Rev Egg Plant]

"With the kind of shape I'm in you could donate my body to science
fiction!" -Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School