Mini-AIR

[Dennis McClain-Furmanski]

PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE
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The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR")
Issue Number 1996-01
January, 1995
ISSN 1076-500X
Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the
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A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in
The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR),
the journal of inflated research and personalities
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1996-01-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS

1996-01-01 Table of Contents
1996-01-02 mini-Housekeeping items
1996-01-03 Alluring Abstracts from AIR 2:1
1996-01-04 The Diversity of Diversity
1996-01-05 Ballet Dancers: Empirical Evidence
1996-01-06 GV Idiot Seeks Flashy Photo
1996-01-07 Global Village Deli 2000
1996-01-08 GV Idiot Also Seeks Hyper-Archivist
1996-01-09 Paleo Limericks
1996-01-10 Ig Nobel Economics Update
1996-01-11 Free Paranormal Abiltity Testing Service
1996-01-12 AIRhead Project 2000
1996-01-13 AIRhead Project 3000
1996-01-14 May We Recommend...
1996-01-15 AIRhead Events
1996-01-16 How to Subscribe to AIR(*)
1996-01-17 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*)
1996-01-18 Our Address (*)
1996-01-19 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*)

Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue.


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1996-01-02 mini-Housekeeping items

1. If you plan to attend the special AIR seminar Sunday night
Feb 11 at the AAS annual meeting in Baltimore, please bring paper
airplanes.

2. Yes (again, yes), the hour-long improbable video of the 1995 Ig
Nobel Prize Ceremony is now available (in standard US home video
format only). Yes, it is magnificent, and technically flawed in
memorable ways. The price is $19.95. Please add $5 shipping
handling in the US, $10 in other countries. (Massachusetts
residents please add 5% sales tax.)

3. We will soon announce plans for forming a council of improbable
researchers. It will have Official Representative Members in every
laboratory, department and broom closet on earth. If you have a
suggestion for the title of this august body, please tell us.

4. If you would like to host an AIR event in California in April,
please get in touch.


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1996-01-03 Alluring Abstracts from AIR 2:1

AIR is a subversively educational print journal. The articles in
AIR are longer, more visual, and more xeroxible than the tiny
tidbits we publish in mini-AIR. Your career and personal life will
benefit from it when you subscribe, no doubt.

AIR vol. 2, no. 1, the January/February 1996 issue, is a special
issue devoted partially to explaining the 1995 Ig Nobel Prize
Ceremony. Among the other articles are:

NOBEL THOUGHTS: Interview with Nobel Laureate Walter Gilbert.
Gilbert discusses how many pairs of sneakers he owns, and gives
tips for obtaining a tuxedo for the the Nobel ceremony.

LAUREN HOLLY DISCOVERS: Columnist Alice Shirrell Kaswell distills
recent reports from the research journal "Cosmopolitan" about
actress/investigator Lauren Holly and others.

HAPPY YEAST: Investigators Marcella A. Valderama and Jennifer Yang
present a photograph of a novel, rather cheerful yeast.

E. COLI FOR VALENTINE'S DAY: Investigators Lee Segel and Michael
Eisenbach present photographic evidence of hear-shaped bacteria
obtained from the human bowel.

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1996-01-04 The Diversity of Diversity

In today's modern world of the future, diversity is everywhere.

Investigator Bruce Williams of Microsoft writes:
A flyer posted in one our employee kitchens announced the
latest concert series sponsored by the Phinney Neighborhood
Association & Guitar Emporium. Among the performers is a duo
dubbed "Amber Tide," advertised as "perform[ing] high
spirited acoustic music with 'teeth, claws, and diversity.'"
I'd like to see AIR look further into this "diversity"
thing; viz: Is there any research that quantifies
"diversity"? How will we know when or if we've achieved it?

As of this week, AIR is conducting research to determine when,
where, and how often "diversity" appears.

When sending data (please sent it to bour...@neu.edu), please
specify:
a) the TYPE of diversity
b) any concise quantitative data that is relevant.

The Diversity Survey is a public service performed by The Annals
of Improbable Research.


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1996-01-05 Ballet Dancers: Empirical Evidence

Investigator Jerry Barton of the International Atomic Energy
Agency in Vienna, Austria writes:
With reference to the research article on Ballet Toe Length
that you cited in mini-AIR 1995-11-09, I am reliably
informed by the mother of one of their students that the
Vienna State Opera Ballet School has for several years
rejected potential ballet students whose second (and third)
toes were too long. Now we have the scientific explanation
why. Thanks for the tip.


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1996-01-06 GV Idiot Seeks Flashy Photo

Our Webmaster and Global Village Idiot is now searching for a new
cover photo. The ideal candidate will present an accurate
representation of the AIR and HotAIR philosophy in pictoral format
(see the current home page opening photo for an example). To
submit a photo for consideration, send either a URL or a short
description to ri...@leland.stanford.edu (please, no UUencoded
gifs, or copyrighted material). HotAIR can be found at
http://www.improb.com/


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1996-01-07 Global Village Deli 2000

Investigator Alius J. Meilus has identified a problem that must be
addressed:
I noticed that you have listed on your masthead a global
village idiot. Since your village has a designated idiot,
I was wondering if the village also has a good deli?
After all, what is a village without a deli?

Spurred by investigator Mailus, we hereby announce a new survey,
the Global Village Deli Survey. The survey consists of one
question:

Where can I find a good deli while visiting a particular
neighborhood in the global village?"

Please send data to bour...@neu.edu
If you send food, make sure it is fresh.

The Global Village Deli Survey is yet another public service
performed by The Annals of Improbable Research.


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1996-01-08 GV Idiot Also Seeks Hyper-Archivist

Would you like to maintain the official (tm) mini-AIR archive? (Do
you think you are already?). Our esteemed webmaster and GVI (see
above for meaning of this acronum) is looking for a volunteer to
maintain a hypertexted, web-accessable, version of the mini-air
archives. If you've already got a mini-air archive on the 'web,
and would be willing to put in another hour or two a month to make
it user friendly, please contact ri...@leland.stanford.edu. As
for the rest of our guerrilla archivers - don't forget to link
back to HotAIR for even more improbable research.


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1996-01-09 Paleo Limericks

Newly composed science limericks of varying quality continue to
pour into the massive AIR new science limerick archives. The first
verse presented here was composed by anthropologist Nancy White.
It inspired AIR editorial board member Miriam Bloom to write a
sequel. We invite other readers to continue the tale.

A Paleo hunter went walking,
Praying for prey worth the stalking.
She spied a huge mastodon
But hurriedly passed it on
'Cause the kid in her backpack was squawking!
--Nancy White

When she stopped to tend to the crying,
The mastodon upon her came spying.
So her sling she shot
(Gave it all she'd got)
But oops! 'Twas the babe that went flying.
--Miriam Bloom


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1996-01-10 Ig Nobel Economics Update

One of the men who shared the 1995 Ig Nobel Economics Prize had
more help than the public knew about. Robert Citron, the former
treasurer of Orange County, California, consulted an astrologer
and a psychic for investment advice. (This was reported in the Los
Angeles Times last week.) The county lost approximately $1.7
billion. That's a lot of money, far more than a man of Citron's
capacity could be expected to lose without skilled guidance. Which
leads us to...[see next item]


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1996-01-11 Free Paranormal Abiltity Testing Service

As reported in the popular press, both the CIA and the KGB are
hiring psychics. And they pay well.

If you are interested in whether or not you have paranormal
powers, just sit down in a quiet corner and mentally send your
name and address to Wojtek Bourbaki (bour...@neu.edu), AIR's
resident ESP expert. If you don't receive notification from us
within three days you have no powers.

In the name of national security (any nation, any form of
security) and economic growth (in either direction), The Annals of
Improbable Research is offering this service free of charge.


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1996-01-12 AIRhead Project 2000

As announced in mini-AIR 1994-02-03 (June, 1994), we are compiling
a list of studies, projects, and products that involve the number
two thousand. The following items were randomly selected:

ITEM #50772 (Submitted by investigator Otto J. Makela)
"SP 2000 KITTY LITTER," an inexpensive Finnish brand of kitty
litter.

ITEM #50773 (Submitted by investigator John Wills Lloyd)
"1-900-PAY-2000: OPINIONS OF THE APPROACHING MILLENIUM," a
compilation of American opinions from a non-scientific survey that
uses the latest in contemporary telephony.

ITEM #50774 (submitted by investigator Tim Becker)
"HOSTENI 2000," an Albanian satire magazine.

ITEM #50775 (submitted by investigator Joseph Horton)
"Hella 2000," an automobile fog-lamp.


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1996-01-13 AIRhead Project 3000

Looking to the future, we are compiling a list of studies,
projects, and products that involve the number three thousand. The
following items were randomly selected:

ITEM #4902 (submitted by many investigators)
"Mystery Science Theater 3000," a television program.

ITEM #4903 (submitted by investigator Dipesh Navsaria)
"Jerusalem 3000," a fountain pen commemorating the supposed 3000th
anniversary of the founding of the city of Jerusalem.

PLEASE NOTE: It has come to our attention that the concept of
Jerusalem 3000 (reported in mini-AIR 1995-13), was apparently
flawed at its inception. The Jerusalem city government employees
who conceived the idea calculated an incorrect date for the
anniversary. Politics and mathematics combine in odd ways.

ITEM #4927 (submitted by investigator Paul Tomblin)
"Canada 3000," a charter airline which until recently was named
"Canada 2000."

ITEM #4950 (submitted by investigator Joseph Horton)
"Hella 3000," an automobile fog-lamp.


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1996-01-14 May We Recommend...

Research reports that merit a trip to the library.
(These items are additional to the many which appear in AIR
itself.)

"Survey of quality of used frying oils from restaurants," Hassan
A. Al-Kahtani, "Journal of the American Chemical Society," vol.
68, no. 11, Nov. 1991, pp. 857-62. (Thanks to Jeff Smith for
bringing this to our attention.)

"Reestablishment of male sexual function and appearance 23 years
after alligator induced traumatic orchiectomy and penile
lacerations," N.M. Katlowitz, A. Fliescher, A.E. Benet, "Journal
of Urology," vol. 153, no. 6, Jun 1995, pp. 1929-30. (Thanks to
Sandy Herring for bringing this to our attention.)


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1996-01-15 AIRhead Events

[The most current version of this list can always be obtained
by sending e-mail to IN...@IMPROB.COM]

If you would like to host an improbable research event, show
please send e-mail to ma...@wilson.harvard.edu.

CYBERNETICS SOCIETY, Cambridge, MA Tues, Jan 10, 4 pm
Cybersmith Cafe, Church Street, Harvard Square.
AIR's editor will discuss improbable research in cybernetics and
artificial intelligence. A bare-knuckles free-for-all will follow.

AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, Baltimore Sun evening, Feb 11
Several of AIR's most distinguished authors will present their
research on:
"The Taxonomy of Barney;"
"Analysis of DNA Cologne;"
"Studmuffins of Science;"
"Risk Assessment of Abduction by Aliens;"
and other topics, at a special evening session of the world's
largest science meeting.

[PLEASE NOTE: Anyone in the LA area who would like to host other
AIRhead events during the same week please e-mail
ma...@wilson.harvard.edu.]
FOLIO CONFERENCE, Los Angeles April 23-6, 1996
"Camshafts, Cindy Crawford and Beer: How to Make a Dull Topic
Interesting." The session is open only to conference registerees.


>From time to time AIRhead news reports and commentary appear on
ABC Television's "World News Now" and Public Radio's "LIVING ON
EARTH."


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1996-01-16 How to Subscribe to AIR(*)

Amaze your colleagues. Delight your friends. Impress yourself.
Subscribe to The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)!

"AIR is one of the finest contributions to western
civilization.... AIR exposes the soft underbelly of
science -- and gives it a damn good tickling....
You can't afford to be left out."
-"Wired" magazine

==============================================

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a...@improb.com


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1996-01-17 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*)

mini-AIR is an monthly electronic newsletter of overflow tidbits
from The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). It is available
over the Internet, free of charge. To subscribe, send a brief E-
mail message to:
LIST...@AIR.HARVARD.EDU
The body of your message should contain ONLY the words
SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE
(You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.)
---------------------------------------
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To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR
To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying
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::::: AIR extracts on USENET
The USENET newsgroup clari.feature.imprb_research presents a
syndicated weekly column of reports extracted from The Annals of
Improbable Research.
[NOTE: This is available only if your Internet site subscribes to
the Clarinet newsgroups.]
[ANOTHER NOTE: If you would like to have the print version of the
column appear in your campus newspaper, please e-mail
ma...@wilson.harvard.edu]


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1996-01-18 Our Address (*)

The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)
PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA
617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927

EDITORIAL: ma...@wilson.harvard.edu
GENERAL INFO (supplied automatically): in...@improb.com
SUBSCRIPTIONS: a...@improb.com

URL: http://www.improb.com/

We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it.
IF you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a
SASE in all printed correspondence.


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1996-01-19 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*)

Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever
appropriate. The only limitations are:
A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR.
B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes.

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(c) copyright 1996, The Annals of Improbable Research
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mini-AIRheads
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EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (ma...@wilson.harvard.edu)
WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin
(ri...@leland.stanford.edu) http:/www.improb.com/
COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (ei...@neu.edu)
ASSOCIATIVE EDITORS: Mark Dionne, Jane Patrick
CO-CONSPIRATORS: Michael Rissinger, Steve Anderson, Gary Dryfoos,
Greg Kinney, Deb Kreuze, Nicki Sorel, Mark Taylor
MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto
AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon
Glashow & William Lipscomb
============================================================

--
Doktor DynaSoar Iridium -- dyn...@infi.net -- Punctuator of Evolution