ASB Surreal Life Episode Ate (The "Dunlap Disease" Episode)
Yersinia Pestis
Convention Circuit Fanboys".....literally. He's carressing the final
pressing, anointing it with the candle wax that drained the Green Ranger's
powers, reciting hail marys over it and blessing the HARDCOVER copy, which
includes the special cover with Sollog in a Japanese "Raiden" hat,
harvesting rice. Rivers walks in, just as Sollog is fucking the book,
anointing it with his magical cock slobber.
Rivers - "Cmon, Sollog, we all know true Dieties are asexual, why must you
expose yourself as fraudulant so clearly?"
Sollog - "I just popped it out from a body cavity, it's not real, guy. "
Sollog tosses his dick at Rivers.
Rivers - "Well....OH YEAH......we'll see how far that book goes when
bangbus.com gets a record number of hits with my amateur debut!"
Sollog - "If you do not exit from my teepee in an orderly fashion you'll get
a record number of hits....in the butter churner."
Rivers - "Non-violent, my brother, non-violent....I've just come up to show
you the newest Surreal Life Times. So you're gonna have a book signing down
at the Roxy, w/ all my old-buddies in attendance, no doubt. "
Sollog - "True, I'm hoping all the hair spray will open up a black hole in
the o-zone, and finally create the apocalyptic scene described in my first
book "Dionne Warwick ain't got shit on me - Really, she's a singer (but I'm
your friend)". But really, I need to get to work on this end of the world
shit, as the countdown to my virginity begins...."
Rivers - "Can I come?"
Sollog - "Nah, everyone from the house is invited, but so is Mr. Jefferson
and Mr. Benjamin, HASH. You best be working that "Make Believe" moolah
tonight, or the door-man will throw ya to the dogs, Steve Rubell style."
Noon, Cypher awakes. A RARE MIRACLE, as Cypher awakes nailed to a cross,
with a heroin-filled gag-ball in his mouth. Cypher hops down the stairs, but
notices Kender with matching gag-ball in tow, and hops back up the stairs.
Kender51- "CUM back here, THEY'RE INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH! NO MUFFLES HERE,
MWAHAHAHA!"
Craiggers (sipping his ultra-mocha-decaf-light-w/ sprinkles of coke/Sobe
combo) - "WELLRAVENIMGONNAWOWTHEUNATHLETICHAIRMETALSCENESTERS-"
Raven - "Dude, calm down or I'll make a molotov cocktail out of that shit
and burn down your entire hair piece collection."
Craiggers - "Cut. CUT IT."
Blair (stepping inside, w/ ball and chain strapped to her ankles) - "Well,
the insulation is holding in place. I guess I'm done."
Craiggers - "Done? What makes you think that, labia drip? You know, I like
medium rare steaks, when those are well done. Just like I like busy little
cunt licks, when they're finally done. But you're not done. FEAR MY
PITCHFORK TO THE CEILING."
Craiggers intentionally jabs the ceiling with a pitchfork. A large piece of
drywall collapses on Raven. Raven busts through it, taking a thick piece and
smashing it against the skull of Craiggers, who falls face first, right into
his hot mug of acid
reflux disease.
Later, in the confessional booth, on a call to his agent...
Craiggers - "Listen, Jackson Briggs, attorney-at-law? We've got a big
assault charge or a lawsuit here, and I've got him on a talkboy tape
recorder. It's a bit grainy, of course, being from a 1992 model, but you can
make him out saying "I'm gonna burn your hair piece collection"....either
that or "I'm gonna burn your rare fleece collection". Either one is FUCKING
WORSE THAN T-BONE LOPEZ, er, whatever, Left eye Lopez-"
Raven - "YOU'RE SPEAKING OF THYSELF LIKE I DON'T MATTER! "WHAT" EVER, DOES
THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN I LIVE HAPPILY "EVER" AFTER, OR DO YOU JUST WANT
ANOTHER BEATING?"
Blair (with new ankle bracelet) - "Is this really neccessary? I wanna go
be a backstage betty at a Vans tour, QUIT TRYING TO BE MY MOM-"
Raven - "BITCH, YOUR MOM IS A PRIESTESS OF THE FUCKING UNDEAD. Hmm, sounds
like my
kinda slore."
Sollog comes down the stairs and sees Craig being lashed with a singapore
cane.
Sollog - "Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm, HE HAD BIRTHMARKS ALL OVER HIS BODY! True,
reanacting that Weird-Al
video, are we? Reminds me....geeks, don't ya love 'em? Signing a rare 1983
postcard of me with Anton Levay at Studio 54
is quite fullfilling. BUT THEY BETTER NOT RELEASE THAT PICTURE, or my
cigar/porn reviews conglomerate will come
crashing down-"
Rivers pops out of nowhere, holding onto a rope and doing the spider-man
"upside-down" lowering.
Rivers - "Don't stress yourself, Shillog, for Metalheads have the pentatonic
scale memorized, not your shady past.
BTW, watch out for Great White fans at the club signing. WE DON'T GOT NO
WATER LET THE MOTHERFU....er,
mother-fornicator, BURN."
Sollog - "THATS IT, DO YOU WANNA GO, OR WHAT~!?"
Rivers - "YOGA FLAME!"
Rivers tries to shoot some dhalsim-like flames from his mouth...instead he
starts weezing uncontrollably.
Cypher arises from the living room litter box, hiding from Kender all this
time.
Cypher - "DAMN, that was some bomb ass baby tylenol, nigras! Say, Riv-dawg,
I know how you like that herbal shite so I got you a bottle of
Herbal Essence last night so you can harness your inner chi and have an
orgasm for the first time.....P.S., that ain't Herbal Essence, it's a empty
bottle of shampoo that I used to smuggle hash back from Amsterdam. Shillog,
you, on the other hand.....look at the back yard."
Sollog looks outside by the pool....it's the 30 FEET OF CULTURED HEMP ROPE.
Sollog - "By the white wolf, YOU ARE NOW NUMBER 1 IN THE BOOK OF LIFE!
Cypher, you get first dibs on the fat Bret Michaels groupies at the signing
today."
Cypher - "True, I'll be singin' 'GOLDEN SHOWERS, FILL HER EYES..sleep pretty
darling....in my piss.' True, I can dig that."
Kender finally makes her way back to the living room, with a FULL SYBIAN
MACHINE, revving it up like a chainsaw.
Kender51 - "HAIL TO THE ELFIN MAGE, BABY!"
Everybody runs to the Surreal Life van outside, with Kender swinging the
sybian machine maniacally as the camera fades out.
Cypher looks out the back window, scarred and crying, thinking about the
electronic handle entering his anus.
Later, it's the Roxy, 4:15. There's a mixed group wrapping around the block
consisting of Wonderfalls fans and Ratt fans.
One guy in line - "YEAH, YOU GUYS WANT SOME OF THAT "RATT" SHIT!? Yeah, that
RATT shit is better than CAT shit.."
Henry Rollins appears out of nowhere and gives him a heart punch.
Henry Rollins - "CHRISTIAN MOTHERFUCKER!"
Other guy in line - "Joss Whedon? Oh man, THE GOLDEN LASSO OF TRUTH compells
him to DO NO WRONG...
get it? 'Cause he's gonna direct Wonder Woman, and actually make us give a
damn, because he directed laughable Buffy dialogue.
But anyway, him and Sollog would totally fullfill my walk-into-a-dark room
and break me on the rigid rod of a Geek GOD FANTASY,
OH I'M FLUSTERED! SET PHASERS TO CALL moviepoopshoot.com medical
staff......."
Backstage at the event...Sollog is signing movie deal rights w/ Paul W.S.
Anderson.
Sollog - "Hey guys, come over here, I need somebody to dry read my script
with me!"
Craiggers - "Script? You must mean the new Javascript you're using for that
site, whatscoldin.com or whatever-"
Raven - "OH, SO I'M "WHAT" EVER TO YOU NOW? IS THAT HOW IT IS? YOU DON'T
CARE, SO JUST
HOSE ME DOWN W/ A SWISS SHOWERHEAD FROM 1942, GO AHEAD, YA THIRD REICH
BASTARD!
Can't be much worse than the bowery.....one tear."
Rivers - "Raven, are you spread?"
Raven - "Yep, so thin...don't know who I am. Who I am?"
Rivers - "Ohhhhhhh! Say...was that you, Monday night, making Denise?"
Raven - "Affirmative, and Tuesday night I was makin' Cherise."
Rivers - "Saturday Night?"
Raven - "....I was MAKIN YOU BLEED WITH A SACK OF THUMBTACKS TO YOUR FACE!
THE EMO EFFECT
FALLS ONCE MORE...COURTESY OF THE RAVEN EFFECT!"
Raven busts Rivers in the eye with a bag of thumbtacks, and DDTs him on
Sollog's script.
Sollog - "Finally, some good use for that script... Paul Anderson's a hack
anyways. He makes me have an offshoot Jesus/Sollog baby
at the end of this one....talk about running out of ideas."
Cypher - "Sollog, ten minutes until showtime. "
Sollog - "Nigger-britches, are you judging time by that collossal clock on
your chest again? Shit, I'm on in eight seconds!"
Rivers - "Good Dylan Walsh movie."
Cypher - "CYPHHHAAA-FLAV!"
Stage-man - "Well, folks....the following man needs no introduction....he's
blasting back into the collective subconscious,
pushing Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubard into a mention on the "Hollywood
Minute". He's got a new book entitled "Get A Life-
An Ode to Convention Circuit Fanboys". Please welcome, the next best thing
to Ratt....he's all we could get, Mr. John Ennis, aka
Sollog!"
Sollog walks out on stage, obviously nervous....or could it just be
paranoia?"
Sollog - "Erm, disregard the name he gave before he said "Sollog", that is
all unconfirmed halabagoo, all hogwash, AND ALL OF YOU KNOW IT!
....uh, so, my new book...."Get A Life - An Ode to Convention Circuit
Fanboys". Well, for those of you in the know, you know that
I get....hounded, constantly by the demands of convention goers. They're a
typical lot always - expecting me to know what book it was in
that I said that "2x4s are reliable for clubbing females and dragging them
back to mud huts for procreation". By the way, that part wasn't true...just
an example."
Random Quiet Riot fans tips his white thrash cowboy hat. Bon Jovi guy
re-adjusts his fringe.
Sollog - "They expect me to know this shit, you know? Like, I wrote it or
something. NIGGA, I GOT GHOSTWRITERS, and I DON'T mean the PBS show. But
that's besides the fact...the fact is, I've received so much support from
the fans. Seriously, somebody sent me a back brace....big ups to them!
I'm getting choked up here....ok, I'm good, just a steak bone....I had the
old 86er this morning, and seriously, my dump felt like I dropped a bowling
ball from my anus. But hey....that's a fitting analogy for this moment. I'm
letting it all go....just like the old 86er passing me through me. And as
much as I love the old 86er....it gives me the itis. I'D CHOOSE THE FANS
OVER HEART PALPATATIONS ANYDAY! And to all you, uh, metal dudes....times
change, and push people to the side. But don't ride in the sidecar of life,
people.....IN OTHER WORDS, WHO WANTS EDDIE VEDDER'S HOME ADDRESS?
IT'S 6-1-2 WARF AVENUE, EVERYBODY!"
The metal guys all start doing air guitar solos, while the wonderrfalls fans
readjust their wire frame glasses and throw their Firefly DVDs at Sollog.
Backstage, Rivers readjusts his wireframe glasses and does an air guitar
solo.
Later, in the green room.
Sollog (downing a bottle of hennessey) - "Glrrrp, it was a really touching
moment....naw, seriously, I'm
gettin' some security because somebody brushed up against my wellsprout, and
with my pants material,
it just made me wanna ralph. Weird how that's your first response! True, I
was dribbling like a baby for the rest
of the night."
Raven - "It was so inspiring, I think I must have DDTed about a dozen nerds.
Sollog is my boy~! WHAT ABOUT ME~!? WHAT ABOOT RAVEN~!?"
Rivers is chilling with a daisani flavored water. Random manowar fan passes
by.
Manowar fan - "Pussy. You're the one with suppressed rage, motherfucker!"
On the next, ASB Surreal Life -
The gang gets a visit, and the chance of a lifetime.
Rick Rubin - "EVERYBODY QUIET DOWN!
Here's the deal, you lock me up and throw away the key....providing you send
me pieces of Russell Simmons in a doggy bag every month. Mmmm, revenge has
never been so delicious.... in exchange, I help you all out with a hit
single, and end your c-level celeb hardships once and for all! What do you
all say? Do I have...*spits hair out* a hit single or not?"
Raven - "I'm not singing on your Surreal Life "Hearing AID", Captain
Caveman. You're gonna have to record my screams as you hold me down and tie
me to the floor."
It's Surreal Life - Making the Single, Part 1!! And with Rivers taking
charge in the studio,
it's gonna get tight-assed.
*Insert shot of Blair trying to play a flute encased in human skin*
Rivers - "NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT! THE BUD IN THE MIDDLE, YOU PRESS DOWN ON IT
UNTIL IT CAN PROTRUDE NO LONGER!
Damn it, Leatherface worked day and night to get this to work, are you gonna
disrespect yet ANOTHER fellow shut-in? DO IT AGAIN!"
--
--
·· · · ÷ ¤ )MMkay17432( ¤ ÷·· · ·
The O.G. of panty-raiding.
The best thing to cum to a NG
since Cypherology.
I put the "zing"back in usenet.
***************************************
AIM:Bubonic175
Blotc...@yahoo.com
-----------------------------------------------------------
Words Of Wisdom
(QUOTE OF THE MOMENT)-
"Sifl - And what's your cereal?
Bing, The Chloronator - we're
Watertower Nuggets. We're good
cereal, a little bit of chlorine, kinda
dangerous, but it's good though..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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over hya:
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