Message from discussion
Frank Sinatra Spaghetti Sauce
From: "P.J. Gladnick" <pjg...@gate.net>
Subject: Frank Sinatra Spaghetti Sauce
Date: 1999/08/26
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Does anybody out there remember Frank Sinatra spaghetti sauce? It was on the
supermarket shelves about 7 years ago. You would figure with a celeb name on
it like that, the spaghetti sauce would really sell well. It didn't. In fact
they issued dollar off coupons for the stuff. I used to buy lots of Frank
Sinatra Spaghetti sauce because with the double coupons policy prevelant at
almost all the La-La Land supermarkets, the out of pocket cost came to only
about 25 cents. I used to buy tons of the stuff. Maybe a couple of hundred
Frank Sinatra spaghetti sauce bottles per week. I can't really be a judge of
how good it really was because at just about a quarter a bottle, almost any
spaghetti sauce would taste good.
Now you're probably wondering why I would buy so much Frank Sinatra
spaghetti sauce and how could a human being possible eat so much pasta? Ah,
well that brings us to the next part of the story. See, I used to know
somebody who worked for the Daily News out in the San Fernando Valley. Among
the things he did was pick up the unsold Sunday section of the newspaper.
Since he was one of my many acolytes, he let ol' PJ have tons of the coupon
page inserts.
Soooo...... I would pull out the scissors and clip hundreds of coupons, not
only for the Frank Sinatra Spaghetti Sauce but also for underarm deodorant,
stuff for cleaning contact lenses, and lots of other products. Sometimes I
didn't even need the newspaper coupons. I remember that 7-Up had coupons
right on the 2 liter bottles good for $1.00 off the purchase of two 2 liter
bottles of 7-Up. Then I would use the coupons from the two (free after
doubling the coupon value) 2-liter bottles to buy four two liter bottles for
nothing as well. It didn't take long to obtain hundreds (actually thousands
cumulatively) this way.
Then I would turn around and sell them to vendors. For example, the BO
sticks (which I bought for about 20 cents after using the double coupons) I
would sell for $1.00 each to a vendor (usually the BO lady vendor at the
Roadium). Since I would sell about a couple of hundred of them at a pop, I
would make about a net of $160. Same thing with the Frank Sinatra spaghetti
sauce, etc..
I did everything scientifically. I made my supermarket runs at night
starting after 8 PM, when the lines weren't too long. I had all my coupons
ready and picked up about a dozen different products at a sweep thru. This
meant that I went thru a checkout line, placed the coupon bought items in
my car, and then swept thru the supermarket again and used a different
checkout line. I did this about 4 to 6 times per supermarket depending on
the size of the supermarket.
Then I would drive to another supermarket and repeated the process. Of
course, since this was highly repetitive, it could drive you nuts from the
boredom. Fortunately, I had my walkman type radio with me at all times and
listened mostly to talk radio. The result was that I got lots of exercise
from all that aisle walking and kept my mind occupied with the radio.
After spending about 6 to 8 hours (plus a pit stop to store the items) at
this I used to like to stop by Jerry's Deli for a nice sandwich in the early
A.M. hours. Then the next day I would take a trip down to Torrance to sell
the merchandise to the vendors. There was the BO Lady who would flip me a
bunch of bucks, and the Food guy who would buy the Frank Sinatra spaghetti
sauce, Worchester sauce, 7-Up, etc..
OK, one time I found a vendor who wanted to trade about a thousand Jesus
Night Lights for a couple of dozen bottles of Frank Sinatra spaghetti sauce.
He told me the Jesus Night Lights really didn't sell well and he just wanted
to get rid of them all. I took a look at the Jesus Night Lights. They had a
picture of Jesus and a prayer. Under normal circumstances, they would be a
tough sell..... but I had a plan.
Soooo...... Anyway I brought home (with a sort of an out of the way pit stop
at the Pantry Cafe) the thousand Jesus Night Lights. Shortly thereafter a
friend of mine visited me and I decided to put my Jesus Night Light Plan
into effect. I showed my friend the Jesus Night Lights and told him that I
planned to sell them for 50 cents each. Well, my friend being a sort of
Yuppie atheist/agnostic type looked at them in utter disgust. He denounced
the Jesus Night Lights as being incredibly tacky and in poor taste.
Okay, here was where ol PJ's Jesus Night Light Plan A kicked in. I said to
my friend, "But Dave, don't you get it? These Night Lights are so tacky that
they are campy. It's a novelty item. Imagine having a party and then you
turn down the lights to reveal the glowing Jesus Night Lights?"
Well, my friend didn't seem convinced. He left and I thought that my Jesus
Night Sales Plan was a flop. However, a few minutes later there was a knock
on my door. It was Dave.---"Hey, could I have about a half dozen of them
Jesus Night Lights?" He handed me three bucks and I was on my way to make my
mark as perhaps the most pre-eminent Jesus Night Light salesman in
existence.
Well, I knew these Jesus Night Lights would sell but there was no way of
convincing the vendors that I sold the coupon merchandise to of this fact.
So I decided to sell the Jesus Night Lights direct to the public.
That weekend I went to the Pierce College swap meet in the San Fernando
Valley. I had a big box of my Jesus Night Lights and also some of my other
stuff (Frank Sinatra Spaghetti Sauce, etc.). The first group to pass me were
not the Yuppie atheist/agnostic types for whom I had my ready made sales
pitch (Plan A)n but what looked to be a family either Mexicans or Central
Americans. Okay, this was where Plan B of my Jesus Night Light sales pitch
kicked in. There was no way they would buy the Jesus Night Light as a campy
novelty item. So I yelled out:
"LUUUUZ DE JESUUUUS! LUUUUZ DE JESUUUS!"
This made them turn to look at me with curiousity. Then I kicked in with the
second part of my pitch:
"PARA TODA SU FAMILIA!!!! COMPRE LA LUZ MILAGROSA!!!"
Now they started to show more interest in the miraculous light that I was
pitching. Time to really lay it on thick:
"CADA LUZ BENDITA TIENE UNA SUPLICA!!!"
At this point el papa of the family asked me: "Quanto es?"
"Solamente cincuenta centavos," I answered as he handed over a couple of
quarters.
As my new customer started to walk away, I kicked in with the final close of
Plan B:
"NECESSITE MAS DE UNO PARA SEGURAR LA PROTECCION DE TODA SU FAMILIA!"
The guy spun around again and I quickly said:
"DOS PARA UN DOLAR!"
Then as they walked away I started anew:
"LUUUUZ DE JESUUUS! LUUUUZ DE JESUUUS
Well, it went like this all day. I would pitch the Jesus Night Lights to
the Latin folks as above and to the Yuppie atheist/agnostic types as a campy
novelty item. Sometimes I would switch back and forth quickly from English
to Spanish to both groups simultaneously when they were both present.
After a few swap meet days I had sold most of the Jesus Night Lights. But
then.......DISASTER struck.
However, it's almost bedtime, boys and girls, so I will hold off on that
story, "The CURSE Of The Jesus Night Lights" until later.
**********************************************************
Oh, getting back to topic again---Did any of you out there ever taste the
Frank Sinatra Spaghetti sauce and how did you like it?
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