Subject:
          Joan Rivers & Daughter Killed by Mob, 9/22
     Date:
          Sat, 25 Sep 1999 02:30:08 -0700
     From:
          Garry <garr...@postoffice.pacbell.net>
 Reply-To:
          garr...@pacbell.net
       To:
          alt.religion.scientol...@postoffice.pacbell.net,
alt.showbiz.gos...@postoffice.pacbell.net

ODYSSEY ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
September 24, 1999

PACK OF ANGRY STARS KILL JOAN & MELISSA RIVERS

Shocked onlookers gasped in horror as so-called "comedian" and TV host
Joan Rivers and her untalented, coattail-riding daughter Melissa were
literally ripped to shreds outside the world-famous Mann's Chinese
Theatre in Hollywood by a group of irate celebrities.

Police records reveal that the mother-daughter tag-team journalists for
E! Entertainment Television were loitering beyond the velvet ropes at
the  movie premiere,  "For the Love of the Game",  waiting for the stars
in attendance to exit the A-list shindig.  Actress Kirstie Alley told
police that's when she was suddenly "attacked by a verbally abusive Joan
Rivers."

Alley, who has starred in such hit films as 'Star Trek' and 'Look Whose
Talking', went on to describe how the situation quickly escalated to
violence.  "Joan asked me what I though of the film I had just seen,
particularly of fellow Scientologist Kelly Preston's performance,"
explained Alley.  "I simply rolled my eyes and kept walking.  Joan
freaked and started yapping and snapping like a neurotic, hyperactive
lap dog.  She shrieked at the top of her lungs, calling me a 'bitter old
fag hag with grapefruit knockers."  I calmly removed my trademark
sunglasses, handed them to my fiance (James Wilder) and matter of factly
backhanded Joan across the face.  She was stunned and bleeding from the
mouth.  That's when the other stars ran up and joined in."

Eyewitnesses told police they witnessed 'Game' star Kelly Preston kick
the elderly Rivers "very hard in her private region" and her husband,
actor John Travolta "sucker-punched" the blacklisted Jewish comic.

"I was loving it!" confessed up-and-coming actress Katie Holmes, star of
the current teen horror hit 'Teaching Mrs. Tingle'.  "Kelly was wearing
these Gucci stilettos and when she kicked that nasty old bag of bones in
the crotch, the heel of her shoe actually stuck like a lawn dart!  Joan
dropped her microphone and just stood there moaning.  Then, Kelly
reinforced her ice queen image by nonchalantly yanking her shoe out of
Joan, wiping the heel clean on Ms. Rivers' pink and black Chanel suit,
slipping it casually on her foot and sauntering away."

According to a member of the paparazzi on hand to cover the star-studded
event, rubber-faced actor John Travolta wasted no time in joining the
melee, moving in to deliver a few quick shots to Rivers.  "He cracked
her right in the kidneys!" said photographer Vito Camucci.  "The old
broad never saw it coming."

Melissa, Joan's blond and sickenly annoying daughter, reportedly ran to
her mother's aid.  "Someone call 911!" she screamed, tears running down
her face.  White rapper Eminem ran up with a cell phone and dialed a
number.

"Everyone assumed he was calling for help," said gay actor Tom Cruise.
"All the stars began booing him - they didn't want an ambulance to come
and ruin all the fun, you know?"  Eminem shouted "Shut the fuck up!" and
held the phone up to Joan's bloodied lips as she incoherently babbled,
"I'm sorry" over and over again.  I ran into him later that week at a
gay sex club and he told he had actually speed-dialed Lisa Lopez of TLC
so she could enjoy what was happening."

Sensing imminent danger, daughter Melissa then attempted to escape from
the unruly crowd by hopping to her feet and making a mad dash for it.
But sadly, luck was not on her side.  Authorities said she was chased,
tackled and subsequently strangled to death by an unknown starlet.
"We're looking for a buxom blond who owns a be-jeweled clutch purse,"
said LAPD detective Jaime Ortega.  "The young Ms. Rivers was strangled
to death with a shoulder strap."

According to police, Joan Rivers died a few hours later at the Celebrity
Center  Free Clinic, while waiting to be seen by an overworked,
underpaid, amphetamine-addicted German chiropractor.  " Joan would have
loved to be treated by a nice Jewish doctor at Cedar-Sinai, the hospital
of the stars," explained one of the few friends Rivers still had in
Tinseltown.  "But, ironically, thanks to years of bad-mouthing
Hollywood's elite and the star-studded Church of Scientology, she was
turned away and sent to a filthy, secluded and over-crowded cult center
that reeked of urine and burnt human hair."

E! Entertainment Television had planned to produce a special tribute to
Joan and Melissa but have since decided to scrap the project.  "After
attempting to interview people for our homage, we quickly realized we
were fighting a losing battle!" sighed network executive Fritz
McNamara.  "An hour of superstars calling Joan a cunt and Melissa a
cross-eyed loser isn't exactly what we had in mind."