I've gotta talk
asa...@wpi.wpi.edu
I've got this on my chest and I fell I've got to babble, so bear with me.
A few days ago (I really don't remember the exact day) was the fourth
anniversary of the worst day of my life. I've been with my SO constantly
for the last few days (my mom went out of town) so I haven't really had
time to feel the pain like I did in past years, but he just left to go
to his grandparents with his parents, so I'm all alone on x-mas day. His
parents said that they're not coming back with him until Friday or
Saturday, and my family doesn't know I'm in town, so I've been crying
for a few hours now, and I'm really depressed anyway, so I figured I might
as well allow myself to be miserable.
Anyway, as I've said, it's been 4 years since 'the day'. I was 13 years old,
and I was having problems at home. Normal mother-daughter relations: she
calls me a spoiled brat, I call her a bitch, she tells me to go live with
my dad. So I did, except that he didn't want me and told me to go live with
my mom. Cute. Anyway, I stayed out late one night, and my parents got scared
but things didn't really change. I really didn't feel wanted at all. I
needed to be loved. I skipped school quite often (I was an A student, I didn't
have to worry) and went downtown. One day, in November, I met a guy who seemed
really nice. He was a musician, and I really liked music. We talked to each
other on the phone for a couple of weeks, then he invited me to his studio
to teach me to play keyboards. BTW, he was 26. I looked a lot older than I
really was, and he guessed my age at 18. I showed him ID to prove I was 13.
Stupidly, I went with him. The studio was also his house, which he shared
with 4 other guys. No one else was there. We went to his room, because he
'had to get something'. He closed the door partly, and turned on his stereo.
He wanted me to hear the album his band was about to release. Anyway, he asked
me if I wanted to 'share love'. I thought he meant did I want to become loving
friends. (Hell, I was 13! What the hell did I know he meant?) I said yes.
Actually, I think he asked me on the way to his house. Anyway, he kissed me on
the cheek. Then he put his hand on my chest. I creamed and told him to stop.
That's when he got nasty. The more I pushed him away, the harder he held me.
The more insistently he tore off my clothes. Finally, he shoved me down on
his bed, and he raped me (yes, I was a virgin). Then he did it again.
I didn't know where the hell I was, so I had to let him walk me to the bus.
Then I had to meet my father at the shopping center. That was fun.
Anyway, I've only been able to tell a very few people about this. My SO knows
and is very supportive, but he doesn't understand that I'm still really
hurting. He tells me, and he's right, that my life is wonderful now. It really
is. We talk about everything and anything, and when I need to, he just holds
me close. He lets me talk about it, but he doesn't know what to say.
I've also, recently, told my aunt. She's also very supportive, but she lives
far enough away, so we only talk for a little while once a week. She wants
me to go for counselling, but I'm scared. I also don't really know what a
counsellor could do for me.
I can't possibly tell either of my parents, and that hurts. My mom is the
type to blame me for what happened, and I need that like a hole in the
head. I've had enough trouble getting over blaming myself, doubting myself.
I don't need her to cause me more problems.
My father would simply not be supportive. He's too self-centered. He'd be
hurt that I hadn't told him before, and it would be useless.
Thanks so much for putting up with my babbling. I guess I just needed to
talk.
Squirt
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Erin Zhu
>APS-NAME Squirt
Welcome, Squirt :-)
>I've got this on my chest and I fell I've got to babble, so bear with me.
feel free. we're here to listen and do our own babbling.
>A few days ago (I really don't remember the exact day) was the fourth
>anniversary of the worst day of my life. I've been with my SO constantly
>for the last few days (my mom went out of town) so I haven't really had
>time to feel the pain like I did in past years, but he just left to go
>to his grandparents with his parents, so I'm all alone on x-mas day. His
>parents said that they're not coming back with him until Friday or
>Saturday, and my family doesn't know I'm in town, so I've been crying
>for a few hours now, and I'm really depressed anyway, so I figured I might
>as well allow myself to be miserable.
Not much I can say, except I hope you're feeling better now, and lots of
e-hugs if you want them.
[story of rape deleted]
I am 17 too, and went through similar kind of "occurrence" when I was 14,
except that it was my father rather than a stranger and it lasted a lot
longer.
>Anyway, I've only been able to tell a very few people about this. My SO knows
>and is very supportive, but he doesn't understand that I'm still really
>hurting. He tells me, and he's right, that my life is wonderful now. It really
>is. We talk about everything and anything, and when I need to, he just holds
>me close. He lets me talk about it, but he doesn't know what to say.
I'm glad you can talk about it here, and that you have someone supportive
that you're with. Most people who haven't had such experiences won't
really understand how long the effects last, or how to respond. Tell him
gently what you would like him to do, for example be around at times when
you need someone to hold, Xmas time for one.
>I've also, recently, told my aunt. She's also very supportive, but she lives
>far enough away, so we only talk for a little while once a week. She wants
>me to go for counselling, but I'm scared. I also don't really know what a
>counsellor could do for me.
A counsellor can help you learn to talk about it and get it out of your
system, so you won't keep on feeling so bad every year.
>I can't possibly tell either of my parents, and that hurts. My mom is the
>type to blame me for what happened, and I need that like a hole in the
>head. I've had enough trouble getting over blaming myself, doubting myself.
>I don't need her to cause me more problems.
My mother too is more concerned with herself (how this affects her
relationship with my father) than how it hurts me. Right now it's probably
more important to find and talk to people who'd understand and help than
telling your parents and getting no support from them.
>My father would simply not be supportive. He's too self-centered. He'd be
>hurt that I hadn't told him before, and it would be useless.
It doesn't sound like either of your parents were around to protect or
support you earlier. If he could help you in some way, tell him, but
otherwise it'd probably be better to talk after you've gotten on the way to
recovering.
>Thanks so much for putting up with my babbling. I guess I just needed to
>talk.
Feel free to write more, or if you want to talk privately with someone your
age who's been through similar things, either reply to this, or
annonymously to "ap....@layout.Berkeley.EDU". Thanks for writing, and
hope you feel better.
>Squirt
--Erin
ass...@acad2.alaska.edu
> APS-NAME Squirt
>
> I've got this on my chest and I fell I've got to babble, so bear with me.
(story deleted for brevity)
Squirt, my SO went into couseling for sexual abuse and so did I. I have a
freind who entered counciling becuase of a rape and it helped them immensly. My
SO once explained why we suffer so much after the trauma of rape and sexual
abuse, the story goes something like this:
One upon a time you were walking throught he woods and you were attacked by a
bear. You survived and made it home where you family rushed to support you, the
authorities believed you and tryed to help and you were able to talk about it
to all you freinds and people you trust a deal with it. you were OK.
But imagine if after you were attacked by the bear you were told that it was
your falt, the authorities though you were just trying to get attention, your
family minimized or ignored or even blamed you for what happened. The worst
part is the shame that you can never talk about becuase you feel that you will
lose your freinds if you tell. It is now not OK.
The moral of this story is that you are better off being attacked by a bear
than sexualy abused. The point of this story (yes I have a reason for this) is
that a councilor or therapist can help you deal with the sexual assault like it
should be dealt with. You may need to talk, or greive, or rant and rave. You
may need to look at the attack again to resolve it and dis-empower it. A
councilor can help.
all the above is MHO
PANDA
abe...@enh.nist.gov
>Anyway, I've only been able to tell a very few people about this. My SO knows
>and is very supportive, but he doesn't understand that I'm still really
>hurting. He tells me, and he's right, that my life is wonderful now. It really
>is. We talk about everything and anything, and when I need to, he just holds
>me close. He lets me talk about it, but he doesn't know what to say.
He sounds wonderful. As for not knowing how to react, a lot of SOs have
that same reaction. What would you like him to do? How would he ideally
react? Maybe you should communicate your needs in this regard to him.
>I've also, recently, told my aunt. She's also very supportive, but she lives
>far enough away, so we only talk for a little while once a week. She wants
>me to go for counselling, but I'm scared. I also don't really know what a
>counsellor could do for me.
You don't know until you've tried. As a starter, a cousellor could help you
deal with the pain of the rape. You don't need to live with the pain you
feel. You don't need to remember the anniversary of the rape as if it were
some day worthy of commemoration. You needn't forget, but hopefully
someday, it just won't be as important to you. It'll be part of your life,
but won't cause the feelings you are currently feeling. May I suggest calling
the Rape Treatment Center in your area, if there is one, just to talk?
>I can't possibly tell either of my parents, and that hurts. My mom is the
>type to blame me for what happened, and I need that like a hole in the
>head. I've had enough trouble getting over blaming myself, doubting myself.
>I don't need her to cause me more problems.
>
>My father would simply not be supportive. He's too self-centered. He'd be
>hurt that I hadn't told him before, and it would be useless.
This is sad, but I'm beginning to expect it more. Lately, I haven't been
able to look at a child without wondering what horrible things an adult
was doing to it. :-(
>Thanks so much for putting up with my babbling. I guess I just needed to
>talk.
Talk away.
>Squirt
Nice nickname. Pretty courageous 17 year old. Would that I had begun dealing
with my abuse then instead of ten years later. I feel like I've wasted a lot
of time. Consider yourself lucky to be so young and able to work on realigning
yourself from your abusive past.
________
Sim David Aberson aberson%3338...@sdsc.edu \ /
"Now that it is increasingly clear that HIV can be transmitted to \ /
heterosexuals...the self-righteous must find another reason for \ /
gay-bashing." -Bishop Desmond Tutu \/