blender fun!
Peter Brown
!!!!!!!!!!!Danger!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Please do not try this without taking every possible precaution. This may become addicting and change your life!!!
Blender Fun!!
I am a major creative type of fellow. I tend to integrate my immediately accessible world into one big toy.
Well, I was at the sink working fervently getting my ingredients together to make my award winning Chicken Napoleon (chicken barbecued over an on open fire glazed with an onion, garlic honey mixture and then briefly baked in thin bread with cheese). Specifically, I was grating the cheese while fantasizing that the cheese represented the unmanly tool of a local rapist in the news that day. We’ve all done it (I hope), imagining some poor example of human flesh could be thoroughly punished for the misery they have created. Then I waxed philosophical -- how could you ever punish an Idi Amin or a Hussein. How could you ever balance out the murders of children used to clear mine fields . . . but I hate waxing, so I went back to grating.
I don’t know about you, but the time spent in front of the sink is almost as fertile a time as that spent on the toilet. Your hands take over long learned tasks and your mind is free to roam without bounds in its warehouse of things -- fragrances, and fantasies. Some of my favorite fantasies are those of unrealized opportunities, those ‘sure things ` of erotic pleasure that only become clear after they are no longer available. Since they didn’t take place, its fun to imagine what might have been. But I digress (always wanted to use that). As I stood there grinding down imaginary offending penises in the cheese grater, my eyes fell upon the blender...Hmmmmmm. I must report here, in fact, the word .....Hmmmmmm actually escaped from my lips. What about the blender? No, not for grinding the cheese -- but for punishing . . . the destructive male scabs on the sores of humanity . . . . ??
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
“You know?” Thinking to myself “the hole in the top of the blender cover is about the same diameter as my penis and I do not think I am long enough to touch the blades”
A little experimentation showed that if I filed off the locking tabs of the loading hole in the top of the blender cover and a little bit more I could place my penis in the hole if I did it when it was a little flaccid.
Further more, inspection showed that my fully engorged member would, in fact, miss the blender blades by a full quarter of an inch. Being a machinist I am fully aware of the importance of precision.
It appeared as if all tenable objections to riding the wild blender were covered. Therefore, I deemed it time to mount that beauty. I got the stool out of the garage and cleared off the kitchen counter. I mounted the cover on my wand. I opened the refrigerator and got some milk, a few strawberries and a banana. I loaded the blender. I checked to make sure it was plugged in, climbed up on the counter (rather difficult as am more than a little obese.. Okay, so now you know.)
Bending over it on hands and knees so as to not spill the contents, I mounted the blender, pushing into the bananas and strawberries until the cover was fully seated.
I pushed the button.
WOW!
Have you ever seen those young girls spin those tassels mounted on their nipples. . . . real fast . . . . no, much faster?
. . . well that’s sort what happened
I climaxed as if a switch was pushed -- matter of factly and businesslike -- and found myself trying to spin to catch up with the blender. This got me tangled up with the cord -- causing me to lose balance and fall off the counter on my back. I didn’t want to make a mess so I grabbed the blender, holding it against myself. Well, this caused me to climax again. Pumping into the smoothy for the second time I did not hear my next door neighbor come in. Finally getting the presence of mind to turn the damn thing off, I closed my eyes and stopped to get my breath. Blender in hand so as not to let it leak, I opened my eyes to see my neighbor staring at me.
“Is this a bad time?” she asked.
“I haven’t had time to figure that out yet” I replied.
She said, with a most serious face: “I guess I really need to read the instructions to MY blender,” and left the house, saying over her shoulder: “I’ll expect you over for a cup of coffee when you’re done there.”
Do not try this with ice cubes or anything that can cut you. Nor should you use anything with strong fibers like hemp or sugar cane.
A mixture of liver and nut meats with onions and garlic is nice. This can then be used to stuff a veal breast. Make sure not to serve it right after cooking, Let it sit in the refrigerator for two days and then reheat. Delicious!