{ASSD} RP: Celestial Grammar
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
it's time for a repost of this, and tomorrow of its companion piece.
(This is intact--including Celeste's email address, but I believe that
address no longer exists)
----------------------------------------------
Subject: RP: Celestial Grammar by Celeste
All praise and comments should go to the author: celes...@aol.com
Celestial Grammar 1.4
(Updated Sept 18, 1996)
by Celeste
A reader sent me the following passage, which reminded me that maybe I
should repost my Celestial Grammar:
"Seatmates May Share Their Deepest Secrets Or Their Bologna,"
_The Wall Street Journal_, 9 Aug 1996, p. A4, col. 5:
The close confines [on airlines] sometimes bring on
unwanted advances or other bizarre behavior. Robert Cross,
chairman of an aviation revenue-management firm, recalls
that on a flight from Dallas to Atlanta, he was seated next
to a woman who was feverishly scribbling in a notebook. As
the flight was about to land, she asked Mr. Cross if he
wouldn't mind proofreading her work. On the page were two
paragraphs of what he delicately describes as "pornography."
"I was flabbergasted," he says. So he did the only thing he
could think to do. "I just critiqued it from a grammatical
standpoint: This is a run-on sentence, you ended this with
a preposition."
I do NOT believe that grammar is more important than ideas. However,
as a reviewer for Celestial Reviews on alt.sex.stories, I have read
many stories in which the grammar stood in the way of what the author
was trying to say. In many cases there were a few simple errors that
the authors could have easily avoided. These mistakes annoy most
readers (not just myself); and by avoiding them you can improve the
chances that your readers will understand your story.
Although these guidelines are written with a.s.s. in mind, they are
equally applicable to high school and college term papers and to
numerous other practical situations. You may quote these rules in
high school and college term papers, as long as you follow the correct
format. I dare you!
Seriously, many writers can significantly improve their writing skills
by following these guidelines, which cover the most common errors made
by ordinary writers - including a.s.s. authors and writers of college
term papers. There are at least two college teachers of English
composition that I know about who use these grammar guidelines as part
of their courses. Since that has started to happen, I guess I should
be responsible and tell you where else to find good information on
grammar and style. I strongly recommend Strunk & White's Elements of
Style, a short book that can be found at two locations on the Web:
http://www.diku.dk/students/myth/EOS/index.html
http://www.columbia.edu/acis/bartleby/strunk/
When I need to look up a grammar rule, my main source is The Little
Brown Handbook, published by Little, Brown. For word choice and
usage questions I use the Unabridged Random House Dictionary and the
New York Times Manual of Style and Usage. I also lurk on and
occasionally contribute to a newsgroup called alt.usage.English. But
don't quote me over there. Those people are interesting but serious;
and I always clean up my examples before I post comments there.
I also occasionally post an Advanced Celestial Grammar, which goes
into questions slightly more technical than those discussed here.
Both these notes and the Advanced Grammar are under continuous
development, and if you have questions or suggestions, I would be
happy to hear from you.
* * * *
The following topics are covered here:
1. Apostrophes
2. Verb tense
3. Run-on sentences
4. Sentence fragments
5. Commas
6. Semicolons
7. Some frequently misused words
These additional topics are covered in Advanced Celestial Grammar,
which is posted separately:
1. Restrictive phrases and clauses.
2. Dangling and misplaced modifiers.
3. Relative and interrogative pronouns.
1. APOSTROPHES. Don't make a noun plural by adding apostrophe s
('s). This rule applies to all nouns - including proper nouns.
(The plural of Smith is Smiths, not Smith's.)
The purpose of an apostrophe with a noun is to show possession.
Example: "Sue's pussy" means the pussy that belongs to Sue (at
least until she gives it to someone else).
Some confusion arises when you use plurals with apostrophes. For
example, the "Smiths' orgy" refers to the orgy held by Mr. and Mrs.
Smith. In this case, write the plural (with the s) and just add the
apostrophe (without another s).
It can get more complicated than this, but we don't want to write a
grammar book here.
2. VERB TENSE. Stick with one tense, unless you have a reason to
change.
Bad: "I was walking down the street one day. I see a girl who
was wearing no bra or panties."
Better: "I was walking down the street one day. I saw a girl
who was wearing no bra or panties."
There are cases when it does make sense to change verb tenses. Just
do so on purpose. (Verb tense is discussed in greater detail in
Advanced Celestial Grammar.)
3. RUN-ON SENTENCES. When you are finished with a sentence, use a
period and begin a new sentence. Sometimes this becomes complicated,
because many sentences contain more than one idea (like this one.)
The easiest way to deal with this is to read the sentence and see if
it expresses a coherent thought. If you are uncertain, turn it into
two or more separate sentences.
4. SENTENCE FRAGMENTS. Make sure every sentence contains a full
thought that makes sense.
Bad: "He kept fucking her. Until she begged him to stop.
Better: "He kept fucking her until she begged him to stop.
Actually, it's sometimes OK to have an incomplete sentence (like the
one marked "bad" above); but you should only do that on purpose. And
for a good reason. Like emphasis. Like this. But it gets
distracting if you do this too often. Like this.
Improper fragments seem to occur most often when the writer has a long
sentence that concludes with a subordinate clause. The writer often
incorrectly puts the last thought into a separate sentence, like this:
Bad: "While she continued to drive him crazy by fondling his
balls with her free hand, she began to suck on his cock. Until he
came in a wild explosion of excitement."
In this example there should be a comma after cock, and a lowercase
"until." (One Freudian theory is that women make this mistake more
often then men - because they think something bad will happen if they
skip a period.)
5. COMMAS. A comma tells the reader to pause within a sentence.
Don't overuse commas. But don't underuse them either. In general, if
the sentence is confusing because the reader may run words together,
you should add a comma. Both of the commas in my previous sentence
were necessary for this reason. Many writers would add a comma in the
previous sentence to make it "necessary, for this reason"; but that
would be a mistake. "For this reason" is closely related to the rest
of the sentence.
The best way to deal with commas is to read each sentence to yourself,
and to check and see whether additional commas would make the sentence
easier to read, and to eliminate commas that make things drag
needlessly. (Omitting the commas in my preceding sentence would make
it hard to figure out what I was trying to say.)
There are many more rules for commas, some of which I'll discuss
later; but the preceding commonsense rule works pretty well.
6. SEMICOLONS. The semicolon can be viewed as a combination of a
super-comma and a half-period. (That's why it's a period written
above a comma.) That is, it can serve as a half-period by joining two
sentences into one (as in the first two rules below); and it can serve
as a super-comma by replacing a comma in situations where a comma
itself won't quite do the job (as in Rules 3 and 4). Here are
specific rules:
1. Use a semicolon to join two clauses when these two clauses are NOT
joined by a coordinating conjunction. (When they are joined by a
coordinating conjunction, use a comma - except in the case of Rule 4
below.) The coordinating conjunctions are "and," "but", "or," and
"for."
The following are all correct - at least grammatically, although the
order may be reversed socially:
I licked her pussy. Then she sucked my cock.
I licked her pussy, and then she sucked my cock.
I licked her pussy; then she sucked my cock.
In the actual context of a story, the sentences would convey a
slightly different meaning. For example, the third sentence suggests
that the two activities were more intimately connected than the first
(because the author put the two ideas in a single sentence).
2. Use a semicolon to join two clauses when these two clauses are
joined by a conjunctive adverb. (When they are joined by "and" plus a
conjunctive adverb, use a comma - except in the case of Rule 3 below.)
Conjunctive adverbs include words like "therefore," "however," "thus,"
and "furthermore." {Note: If you have trouble recognizing conjunctive
adverbs, you can ignore this rule and simply apply Rule 1; you will
almost always be correct anyway.} Example:
I licked her pussy; therefore she sucked my cock.
3. Even when main clauses are joined by a coordinating conjunction,
use a semicolon (instead of a comma) to join them if the clauses are
very long and complex or if they contain commas.
This rule is the one about which readers have been giving me grief.
I'm simply going to state one more time that this is the rule as it is
currently taught in high school and college courses and as it is
applied by most major publishers throughout the United States. Some
people would say that the semicolon followed by a coordinating
conjunction is redundant. It would be better, they say, to just drop
the conjunction and use the semicolon alone, since that serves the
purpose more efficiently. If you're really hung up on Occam's razor,
fine; do it that way. These same writers would probably never begin a
sentence with a coordinating conjunction; that rule is no longer
taught, and good writers often begin sentences with "and." My point
is that the semicolon alone is correct; but so is the semicolon
followed by a coordinating conjunction when one or the other of the
clauses contains internal punctuation or is long and complex (like
this one). Examples:
Occam's Razor is the principle, first formally stated by William
of Occam, that the most efficient way is always the best way; but
Occam never had sex with me.
"While she continued to drive him crazy by fondling his balls
with her free hand, she began to suck on his cock, until he came in a
wild explosion of excitement; and then he began to turn his own
attention to her clitoris, which he had neglected until then."
Using a comma instead of a semicolon in these example would be
confusing, because each half of the sentence already contains commas.
In the second example, a good author might instead just insert a
period and omit the "and," especially if she is concerned about
skipping a period.
4. Use a semicolon to separate items in a series if these items are
long or contain commas. Examples:
"In one evening Sharon had sex with Sue; her dog, Ralph; the
night watchman, Bill; and Ray, her ex-husband." {Using commas instead
of the semicolons would result in a confusing sentence, where we might
think Sharon had an even more active night: "In one evening Sharon had
sex with Sue, her dog, Ralph, the night watchman, Bill, and Ray, her
ex-husband."}
"So far this week Bob has sodomized the Bobsie twins, Rachel and
Randy; fucked Millie, Alice, Patrice, and Carolyn in the hayloft; had
oral sex with Jane, Janet, Julio, and Billie Joe; and watched his
sister have nearly simultaneous sex with seven guys from the local
gym. {Try reading this sentence with commas in the place of the
semicolons - and then remember that there are still four days left in
the week!}
I myself still think writers do not need all four of these rules. For
over twenty years I have survived quite well using a semicolon when a
comma won't quite do the job and when I don't really want the full
stop indicated by a period. Even if you or your teacher insists on
knowing and using the four rules stated earlier, the logic stated in
the preceding sentence will make it easier to remember and apply these
more specific rules.
**SOME FREQUENTLY MISUSED WORDS**.
CHOOSE/CHOSE. *Choose* is the present tense. It rhymes with snooze.
*Chose* is the past tense. It rhymes with hoes.
ITS/IT'S. *It's* means "it is." *Its* means "belonging to it."
(This is a little bit illogical, because normally an apostrophe shows
possession. But not with it.)*ITS'* doesn't exist.
LOSE/LOOSE. People *lose* things (including their virginity and their
tempers). When things are not tight, they're *loose* (which rhymes
with goose).
THERE, THEIR, THEY'RE. Use *their* to mean "of them."
Example: "I could see their pussies through the hole in the
wall."
Use *there* to mean "over there" or "in that place" and in the
expression "there is."
Example: "When I got there, she was already undressed."
Example: "There are lots of good stories on a.s.s."
Use *they're* to mean "they are."
Example: "They're going to be surprised at how good her pussy
tastes."
Combined Example of All Three: "They're going to fuck their brains out
when they get there."
TO/TWO/TOO. *Two* is the number of persons most frequently present in
a meaningful sexual encounter. *TOO* means "also," as in "I'd like to
fuck you too." *TOO* also means "excessively," as in "Sometimes I
masturbate too often at the grocery story." *To* is a preposition,
which means it comes at the beginning of a prepositional phrase, as in
"We went to the store" or before a verb, as in "I want to fuck you."
USE/USED. People get *used* to doing things. Likewise, Johnny *used*
to fuck Janie. *USE* is a present tense, as in the song, "Use me,
abuse me...."
LIE/LAY. LIE means to recline. (It is an intransitive verb - it
cannot take a direct object.) Its past tense is LAY, and its perfect
tense is LAIN. Of course, a serious source of confusion is that LAY
(in addition to being a word in its own right) is also the past tense
of LIE.
LIE also means to state a falsehood. This is a completely different
word that has a separate dictionary entry. Its past tense is LIED and
its perfect tense is HAS LIED. (This meaning is easily understood and
usually causes no confusion. Its main relevance with regard to sex is
its use in poignant country western songs: "She was sound asleep in
our double bed/And I let her lie.")
LAY means to put something (or someone) down. (It is a transitive
verb.) The past tense is LAID. The perfect tense is HAS LAID.
The three most common problems with LIE/LAY are: (1) using LIE when
you mean LAY (and vice versa), (2) Using LAID (instead of LAY) as a
past tense of LIE, and (3) using LAID (instead of LAIN) as the perfect
tense of LIE.
INCORRECT: We continued to lay in bed after our orgasms.
CORRECT: We continued to lie in bed after our orgasms.
INCORRECT: I had been watching her lay in bed for nearly an hour
before she woke up.
CORRECT: I had been watching her lie in bed for nearly an hour
before she woke up.
INCORRECT: She told me to lie the dildo on the night stand.
CORRECT: She told me to lay the dildo on the night stand.
INCORRECT: After lying the dildo on the night stand, I fucked
her brains out.
CORRECT: After laying the dildo on the night stand, I fucked her
brains out.
CORRECT: After laying her in the hay loft, I went inside and
laid her sister too. (This is grammatically correct, but it may
constitute a social faux pas.)
INCORRECT: I should have lain the key to the handcuffs out of
her reach before I left the room.
CORRECT: I should have laid the key to the handcuffs out of her
reach before I left the room.
Hecate
you filibustered:
>Alexis's delightful minirant about grammar/usage suggests to me that
>it's time for a repost of this, and tomorrow of its companion piece.
>
>(This is intact--including Celeste's email address, but I believe that
>address no longer exists)
>----------------------------------------------
>Subject: RP: Celestial Grammar by Celeste
>All praise and comments should go to the author: celes...@aol.com
>
>Celestial Grammar 1.4
>(Updated Sept 18, 1996)
>
>by Celeste
>
Ho, ho, ho.
--
Hecate
"They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear
satanic messages....but that's nothing. If you play it forward
it will install Windows."
hec...@newsguy.com
More Hecate stories at
http://www.asstr.org/~Hecate
http://www.storiesonline.net
http://www.nifty.org
or for ftp download at
ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/Hecate
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
forth, saying:
>Hi! den...@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net. On Mon, 17 Dec 2001 01:59:53 -0800,
>you filibustered:
>
>>Alexis's delightful minirant about grammar/usage suggests to me that
>>it's time for a repost of this, and tomorrow of its companion piece.
>>
>>(This is intact--including Celeste's email address, but I believe that
>>address no longer exists)
>>----------------------------------------------
>>Subject: RP: Celestial Grammar by Celeste
>>All praise and comments should go to the author: celes...@aol.com
>>
>>Celestial Grammar 1.4
>>(Updated Sept 18, 1996)
>>
>>by Celeste
>>
>Ho, ho, ho.
We know you dislike(d) Celeste; that doesn't make her any less correct
about grammar and diction.
--
-denny-
nocturnal curmudgeon, editor
Never try to outstubborn a cat. - Lazarus Long
Laura Davis
Allison George
<den...@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net> wrote in message
news:tqjs1uokv5p6m6196...@4ax.com...
> We know you dislike(d) Celeste; that doesn't make her any less correct
> about grammar and diction.
>
Not me!!!! Celeste recognized true quality in the works that she reviewed.
One could always trust her judgement (unlike the the folks that determine
the silly Clitorides awards) in terms of how a story fit together and the
correct grammar.
Allison (who never received anything lower than a nine and had two stories
with triple 10s)
Hecate
you filibustered:
>On Mon, 17 Dec 2001 18:16:41 +0000, Hecate <hec...@newsguy.com> held
>forth, saying:
>
>>Hi! den...@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net. On Mon, 17 Dec 2001 01:59:53 -0800,
>>you filibustered:
>>
>>>Alexis's delightful minirant about grammar/usage suggests to me that
>>>it's time for a repost of this, and tomorrow of its companion piece.
>>>
>>>(This is intact--including Celeste's email address, but I believe that
>>>address no longer exists)
>>>----------------------------------------------
>>>Subject: RP: Celestial Grammar by Celeste
>>>All praise and comments should go to the author: celes...@aol.com
>>>
>>>Celestial Grammar 1.4
>>>(Updated Sept 18, 1996)
>>>
>>>by Celeste
>>>
>>Ho, ho, ho.
>
>We know you dislike(d) Celeste; that doesn't make her any less correct
>about grammar and diction.
What I disliked was her level of competence. Consequently, *any*
advice given by her is suspect.