{ASSD} FishTank # 34 Checkmate
Desdmona22
April 1: Mat Twassel
April 8: Nick Cassandra
April 15: Open
The following story is an adaptation of a previous story submitted to ASSM.
It's a complete story that is 2,309 words. FishTank Guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
Any questions can be directed to me at Desdm...@aol.com.
Submissions and comments are being stored at:
http://www.asstr.org/~Desdmona/FishTank/base
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Checkmate
or
Le Chat a une Belle Queue
By Mat Twassel
"That's mate," Carol said. Another opponent swept aside.
Carol smiled. The man she'd beaten shook his head. Carol
got up and walked to the counter of the bar. I followed.
She sat on one of the stools and swiveled a quarter of
an inch in my direction. Creamy breasts in the cut of
her gown. Nipples nearly in view.
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"The wine's not very good here," Carol said without so
much as a glance at me. "Much the same as the chess.
Maybe I have to find a new club."
"You never know," I told her.
"That's the trouble, I do," she said. "It's so boring."
Typical talk from the pretty Carol Jemson. Okay, more
than pretty--beautiful. Long lean figure. Flowing black
hair. Dark expressive eyes. So proud. So confident. So
out of my league. That didn't stop me from wanting her.
"Maybe one day," I mused.
"One day what?" Carol said. Something of a challenge in
her voice.
"Maybe one day you'll lose."
Carol gave me a look of disbelief. She'd recently won a
tournament of the top players in the city. Next stop, the
nationals.
"I've got some good wine at home," I said. "Some good
Beatles' tunes, too. "What do you say?" I knew she liked
the Beatles from our high school days together. No, we
hadn't dated. She was aloof then, too, never giving me a
second look. I knew she liked the Beatles from reading
an article in the school newspaper.
"All right," she said.
"All right? Really?"
"Hold this." She gave me her handbag, smoothed her
satiny slip of a dress, and strode toward the door. I
followed.
I was still holding her bag when we reached my car.
"Thanks," she said, taking the purse. "Nice wheels."
She slid into the back of my silver Jag and started putting
on make-up. "Well, what are you waiting for? Drive."
I didn't live far away, but as I drove I thought about
the chess moves "Meow," my ICQ friend from Russia, had
given me. A chess expert, Meow had done a detailed
analysis of Carol's strategies and the best ways to
counter them.
At home I put on Revolver and opened the wine. "Nice
pop," Carol said. She picked up the cork. "Mise en
bouteilles dans nos chais," she read.
"French, right?" I said. "What's it say--"one size fits
all"?"
Carol laughed. "You took French, you should know. I
remember you from Miss Parks' class."
"You do?"
"Sure, it was barely ten years ago. Anyway, I remember
everything. You sat behind me junior year. One time you
came into class with a wet spot."
"I did not."
"You did. It was cute. Probably you weren't good opening
the wine back then." She held out her glass. "Pour me a
lot. I'm thirsty."
We sat on the couch and drank wine and talked about high
school. The teachers we liked and hated. The kids we
knew and what happened to them. The music we liked then.
The music we liked now. "No one will ever be as good as
the Beatles," Carol said. "Do you have the White Album?
Can you open another bottle?"
"Back in the USSR" came on. I poured the wine. Carol
and I sat closer. "Yummy wine," she said.
"You probably thought I was a nerd back in high school."
"You were a nerd. But a cute nerd. Like a little puppy."
I risked putting my arm on the sofa behind her.
"Not much of a chess player, though," Carol added.
"Maybe I've improved," I said. I let my hand touch her
shoulder.
"Maybe," Carol said. "But doubtful. Back then we played
twenty times and you never came close to a draw. You just
couldn't see far enough ahead."
"Twenty three times," I said. "But I have improved."
She smirked.
"There's one way to find out," I said. I stood up and
strolled over to the chess table in the corner. The
pieces were all set up.
"Just when we were getting comfy," Carol said. "Men."
"Bring the wine if you want," I said.
It was a low table. I was sitting cross-legged--something
Carol couldn't do comfortably in her tight dress. "I see
you have white," she said, settling herself with her legs
folded to the side. She didn't look especially
comfortable that way either.
"Would you rather be white?" I offered. "We could
switch."
"Naw, it's your home. You get home court advantage. How
much should I spot you? A bishop?"
"No way," I said. "I'll play you even."
"Even, humpf. There's no way that will be fun. It'll be
a massacre."
"You want to bet?"
"Bet? What kind of bet?"
"Just something to make it interesting. Say, I win, you
agree to spend the night with me."
"Humpf," Carol snorted.
"You afraid?"
"Hardly."
"Okay then."
"Yeah, but what do I get when I win?" Carol asked.
"What do you want? How about if you win I agree to spend
the night with you?"
"Ha ha, very funny."
"Just a thought," I said.
"Here's a thought. How about the Jaguar?"
"The Jaguar? My Jaguar?"
"Don't tell me it's your daddy's."
"It's mine."
"So what do you say? Am I worth risking your Jag?"
Trying not to tremble, I moved the pawn.
"Last chance to take the bishop," Carol said.
"Play," I said.
Carol's queen bishop pawn hopped out. The first six moves
were straight out of the book--the Karo-Kann Defense,
just what Meow had predicted. We exchanged pawns at
three and at seven. On eight she took my knight, allowing
me her bishop. "You really didn't want that bishop," I
said.
"Even when I was little there was something about them,"
Carol said.
"What?"
"I don't know. Maybe they look a bit too much like
little boys' pee pees." She smiled at me and pointedly
dropped her gaze to my groin. "Mm, no wet spot yet," she
said. She advanced her pawn towards my king.
At move eleven her knight took my bishop. "I thought you
didn't like them," I said.
"They have their uses," she answered.
Two moves later we traded knights. My pawn structure
looked bad. My queen was threatened. But the game was
going just the way Meow and I had discussed. Carol was
clearly bothered by the position.
"Uncomfortable?" I asked.
"No," she insisted. "Except how come your chess table is
so damn low? It's really hard to sit like this."
"You can take off your dress," I said. "I wouldn't
mind."
"I'm sure you wouldn't," Carol said. "You probably know
I'm not wearing anything under."
"Really?" I said.
"Come on, don't act innocent--I've seen you peeking."
"Right," I said. "It probably would be pretty
distracting to see you naked. Might affect my game.
Maybe you should stay dressed."
"Or you could take off your clothes. Make it even."
"Fair is fair," I said, and I shed my shirt and trousers.
"What about the briefs?" Carol said. "As long as they're
still so clean and dry. Or are they hopelessly snagged
on something?"
"Not hopelessly," I said, and I removed my underwear.
"Mm," Carol said. "Nice bishop."
"Thanks. Now you."
"I don't know," Carol said. "Maybe I've changed my
mind."
"Suit yourself," I said. "It's all the same to me."
"Sure," Carol said, "but your bishop might be mad. I like
that little dance he's doing. How much bigger can he can
get before he explodes."
I didn't answer. Carol stood up and her dress slipped to
the floor. I looked at the silky puddle. I looked up
Carol's long slim legs. My eyes stopped at the jet black
triangle of pussy fur. So sleek and smooth. Carol bent
low over the board. Her breasts swayed. Her areolas
were fat and caramel colored, her nipples pebbled and
poking the air only inches from my eyes. She pushed her
queen up a rank so it stood at her king's side. "Your
move, hotshot," she whispered. She stood there looking
down at the board, looking at me, her hands on her hips,
waiting.
I pushed the queenside rook in a square. An innocent
looking move, but devastating down the road, or so Meow
had assured me. Carol studied the board for a long time.
I studied Carol. Slowly she lowered herself to her knees.
A long minute later she reached for her rook. Her wrist
quivered. Such a nice thin wrist. Such slender arms.
Such long lovely fingers. She picked up the rook. She
put it down right where I knew she would. Perfect. She
was mine now, and in a few more moves she'd know it.
Maybe she knew it already.
I moved my bishop. Now we'd trade queens. Then rooks.
The big move was coming up.
"Pretty clever," she said, and she sank back so she was
sitting Indian style. "Maybe I've underestimated you."
"Should I put on 'Sergeant Pepper's'?" I asked.
"Please."
When I came back Carol had my captured bishop in her
hand. As she studied the board she rubbed the head of
the piece lightly alongside her left nipple.
"Lucky bishop," I said.
"Oh," Carol said. "You startled me."
"Sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to disturb your
concentration. Just go on doing what you were doing."
"Right," Carol said. She set the bishop at the side of
the board. Then she picked it up again. "It does have a
nice weight to it. God, it must be a pound. And a nice
feel. Marble? Alabaster?"
"Ivory," I said. "The blacks are ebony."
"Nice," she said. She touched the tip of the bishop to
the moist line between her lips. Mimicked a peck of a
kiss. "Now you be good," she said to the bishop. Then
she lowered him back to her breasts, to each nipple tip.
"Pretty playful for clergy, don't you think?" she said.
"Uh-huh," I agreed.
The bishop circled Carol's left nipple. "Pretty naughty,
too. I wonder how naughty he'll get." The bishop moved
to the other nipple. Around and around he went. The
nipple fattened. "Do you think he'll be satisfied with
tits?" Carol asked. "Or do you think he wants more?"
I gulped. "More," I groaned.
The bishop slid down. Nosed Carol's belly button.
"Seems like he wants in," Carol said. The bishop nosed
and nibbled, nibbled and nosed. "Poor bishop, that's
not the way." She held the bishop up. "Do you want to
know the way?" she asked the bishop. Gripping the
ivory figure at the base with thumb and forefinger, she
twirled him slowly side to side. "He does," she said
to me. "He wants to know the way. Can you tell him?"
"Um," I said.
"Ah! Um," Carol said. "Um's the way," she said to the
bishop.
"No," I said. "Not 'um.' Lower."
"Lower than um," Carol said. "Hm, what could be lower
than 'um.' 'Vum'?"
All I could do was snort.
"Not 'vum'? Lower than that? How about 'xum.'" It
sounded like she was clearing her throat while saying
'come.' "Okay," Carol said. "Xum it is. Let's try xum."
The bishop made his way down Carol's belly. Slowly
across the smooth skin, up the small hill, onto the shiny
black pelt.
"Quite a tangle," Carol said. "Is he making progress?
Is he going the right way? Is this the way to xum?"
I nodded.
"Psst, Bishop," Carol said. "He says you're on the
right track. What a thick little forest, though, so dark
and tight and tangly. Maybe you should be dropping
breadcrumbs." The bishop nosed his way ever-so-slowly
through the hair, down to the wispy point of it. "Oh,"
Carol said, leaning back. "Oh--looks like light at the
end of the tunnel, so to speak. See, the bishop has
found his way through the forest and into the ..."
I watched the bishop nuzzle Carol's clit. "Tree," Carol
concluded. "Or some kind of impediment. This little
lump seems to be blocking him. Do you know what it
is?" The bishop moved the lump left and right. Circled,
poked, prodded. "Not so little," Carol said. "It feels
like it's growing. It feels big as a banyan. And sort of
slippery. Yes, slippery, and getting slipperier. It
feels like ... mm, yes, it feels like ... yum. Success!"
The bishop, twisting side to side, pushed between Carol's
sex lips and ensconced himself in Carol's cunt. Carol
nudged him in a little more, and now only the base was
showing, and now not even that. "Oh, my," Carol said,
"What a yummy bishop you have. But now I'd better figure
out my move." With the bishop completely inside her,
Carol put her chin in her hands, but instead of studying
the board, she studied me.
"Would you consider accepting a draw?" she said at last.
"The game could still go either way. Who knows, you
might get too greedy. You might blow it."
"I was really hoping for a mate," I said.
"Me, too," Carol said, standing up, coming over to me.
"So if I agree to the draw, what happens with the bet?"
Instead of answering, she reached between her legs. The
ivory chess piece, shiny with her slickness, popped into
her palm. "I believe this belongs to you," she said. She
touched it to the side of my nose then used it to knock
over my king. "I get the Jag, and you get me. How about
it?"
"For tonight?" I asked.
"For ever," she said. "For ever and ever. Now lie back
and fuck that big fat bishop of yours into my wet spot."
She pushed me back. She straddled me. She sank down. I
went in.
"Oh, my, he is big. Big and yummy." Her silky cunt
clenched.
"Taille unique," I whispered. "Ajustements tout d'une taille."
"Mm," she purred. "Meow."
END
spd3432
Positives
1) I liked the humor. Um Vum Xum
2) It had closure. After my second reading, I understood the
significance of Carol's last comment.
Drawbacks for me
1) I know the discussion was recently held, but its been 30 years
since I had high school French (doesn't seem like its been that long).
I wouldn't necessarily want translations embedded in the work, but do
any of the on-line translators come close to the original French? If
so, perhaps a link at the end of the story to that particular
translator. As it is, the second title (French) isn't the same as
the English, but given what she does with the bishop, I can understand
how it came to be.
Sean
Valen Thyan
> 1) 2 positive comments
> 2) 2 suggestions for improvement
> 3) Try not to repeat!
Positive Comments
1. The ending is perfect. It wraps up all the loose ends without talking
down to the reader.
2. I never thought of chess as sexual in any way. Very imaginative.
Improvements
1. She mentions the White Album and Back in the USSR plays, but Revolver was
the last album that was played.... unless it's a multidisc changer?
Hardcore Beatles fans care.
2. More Beatles references. (j-k)
Sometimes two isn't enough for positive comments and two is too much for
improvements.
Valen
valen...@hotmail.com
http://www.asstr.org/~valen/
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
forth, saying:
> Checkmate
> or
>Le Chat a une Belle Queue
-Two things I liked:
Like every Twassel story I've read, there is more than one level to
this; I like the slow buildup of eroticism before Carol makes it overt
with the bishop.
I can identify a fair bit with the narrator--there were certainly lots
of girls in my high school class who were way out of my league.
-Two things to improve:
"Sure," Carol said, "but your bishop might be mad. I like
that little dance he's doing. How much bigger can he can
get before he explodes."
--- I think there's an extra 'can' in that last sentence.
(so it's a repeat)
I'm with Sean; I'd like translations of the French--including the
secondary title.
All in all, a delightful, sexy tale. Gives me a whole new view of a
chessboard...
--
-denny-
nocturnal curmudgeon, editor
Never try to outstubborn a cat. - Lazarus Long
Nick
exciting for me. I like the idea of playing a game of chess for a bet
(certainly this kind of bet!), and you got the game structure in too.
Positive 2 It's nicely paced. I have a poor concentration span which
sometimes leaves me wondering how we got to a given point in a story,
but there was no such problem here.
Improver 1 Lacks subtlety. For example:
>three and at seven. On eight she took my knight, allowing
>me her bishop. "You really didn't want that bishop," I
>said.
>
>"Even when I was little there was something about them,"
>Carol said.
>
>"What?"
>
>"I don't know. Maybe they look a bit too much like
>little boys' pee pees." She smiled at me and pointedly
She really didnt need to say that, in my view, but then it defined the
way the story was going. From that point on she was overtly tryng to
seduce him and I felt that this undermined the clever ending.
Improver 2
I suppose it follows on from the last point, but it seemed to me that
you were slotting a 'standard sex model' (I wouldnt quite say bimbo)
into a slightly awkward role, i.e. that of an expert chess player. I
felt you should have given her a more unique character. I may get into
trouble for saying this, but all the women I've come across who are
good at chess are very different from other women.
Still, I liked it.
Nick
Conjugate
>
> The following story is an adaptation of a previous story submitted to
ASSM.
> It's a complete story that is 2,309 words. FishTank Guidelines apply:
>
> 1) 2 positive comments
> 2) 2 suggestions for improvement
> 3) Try not to repeat!
>
> Checkmate
> or
> Le Chat a une Belle Queue
>
> By Mat Twassel
Lots of fun. Very nicely done, vivid imagery, good description. As to
"things to improve," well, Yo no comprendo el French-o, dude, but somebody
else already kvetched about translating, so I can't. I can't think of
much else. Nice story.
Conjugate
oosh
> Le Chat a une Belle Queue
The cat (male) has a beautiful tail.
> Mise en bouteilles dans nos chais
A better-quality French wine might well have this (or something like it)
on the cork. The two variants I've seen are:
"Mis en bouteilles dans nos chais" - literally and word-for-word, "put
in bottles in our cellars"; or
"Mise en bouteille[s] dans nos chais" - "putting-in-bottle[s] in our
cellars".
The tiny differences between these two phrases are probably not
significant for a true appreciation of the story! - and may equally be
translated "estate bottled".
> "Taille unique... Ajustements tout d'une taille."
One size only... All fittings with one size - i.e. One size fits all.
O.
Jeff Zephyr
I liked Carol the chess player. She is smart and sexy, a combination
which I adore. I love the whole seduction as a game, the way they
play chess sensually. Of course, that is a nice thing about chess and
other games, how it can turn into something entirely different in
private than in public.
On the other hand, I'd like to know more about him. His name, maybe?
Carol doesn't seem to use it at all. For that matter, he doesn't use
her name. I don't know, that happens sometimes in conversations
between familiar people, but it just feels a little odd.
He and Carol have obviously kept in friendly contact since high
school, 10 years? or so ago. They are also members? of the same chess
club. At least, I think it is a chess club, though maybe it is just a
bar or other club where patrons play chess. It doesn't matter, maybe,
but a big chunk of my chess playing experience was through the school
clubs, and they were never quite that well set up for drinks after the
game. Hmm, Carol is *just* making city championships now, rather
than right out of high school? That's just wondering; USCF
competition seems to be pretty strong in the college age groups and
there are a lot of really hot players in most big cities, hard not to
make a splash earlier if you're really good.
Anyway, back to the point. He hasn't played chess with her since high
school, it seems, and yet he's hanging around the club. Is he playing
someone else but not her there? The pickup is pretty casual, no
introductions needed. They are obviously friends. But not so good of
friends that he's ever driven her anywhere, so she hasn't seen his car
before, or been to his place.
I know it is supposed to be a mystery of sorts, maybe, for why Carol
decides to seduce him. But it is pretty obvious early on in the game,
even at the start, that the bet is a matter of seduction either way.
Once she gets naked, that outcome is pretty clear. But at the point
of the bet, it seems like seduction both ways. She doesn't act like a
girl betting sex for a car. It is still for fun, the game, with sexy
undertones right from the start.
>"That's the trouble, I do," she said. "It's so boring."
>
>Typical talk from the pretty Carol Jemson. Okay, more
>than pretty--beautiful. Long lean figure. Flowing black
>hair. Dark expressive eyes. So proud. So confident. So
>out of my league. That didn't stop me from wanting her.
Here I think he doesn't say quite want he wants or thinks. She is
confident and aloof, but he doesn't just want her. It is clear that
he is pursuing her, hoping for a chess match. Why not a match at the
club? I don't know, the going home and playing at his place thing is
necessary for the tale, and she's obviously wanting to cooperate.
Maybe "Meow" suggested a match at home?
I think he should say more than just that he wants her. Maybe that
is setting up too much too early, but wanting suggests maybe something
physical alone, not more than that. But I think he is hoping for much
more than just a chess win, or even a nice night of hot sex.
Anyway, probably not an issue for the story but it is obvious that
he wasn't out of her league. He's a nice guy and he drives a Jag. He
is old enough that he probably didn't get it from his parents (who'd
have to be pretty well off to give it away in any case). But even in
high school, she'd paid attention to him, if not dated him. Chess
clubs and matches allow for some chance for private get-togethers and
conversation, even if it isn't quite a date. I don't know if he asked
her out, but I suspect not. Probably followed her around like a puppy
dog?
The casual way they go off together suggests the kind of familiarity
which would make this adoration obvious. I mean that most women can
tell when a guy is attracted to them, and she is dressed to get that
kind of attention. She clearly wants to spend time with him, and he
isn't shocked to death that his scheme to be with her, and get a chess
match (was the bet part of the plan?) is going well.
Again, I don't know that it is wrong not to reveal some of this
earlier, or foreshadow it. Or perhaps give away a bit of his
giddiness or uncertain excitement now that he's finally got his
long-desired "date."
I loved the ending. Subtle but obvious.
The use of French is rather interesting. I took it only in middle
school and never learned a lot; it might not hurt to provide
translations for the language impaired, as the meanings aren't really
quite guessable for those unfamiliar with the language. And I think
that it *does* help the tale to know what it means.
--
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/
For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
Jeff Zephyr
wrote:
>Improver 2
>I suppose it follows on from the last point, but it seemed to me that
>you were slotting a 'standard sex model' (I wouldnt quite say bimbo)
>into a slightly awkward role, i.e. that of an expert chess player. I
>felt you should have given her a more unique character. I may get into
>trouble for saying this, but all the women I've come across who are
>good at chess are very different from other women.
Probably, as some of them are rather hot. As are some of the guys
who play chess. I think that the combination of city champ and sexy
player is maybe a bit unlikely, but then we don't know how big the
city is.
But I've known a fair number of chess players who were sexy,
playfully open and seductive. Some also looked really beautiful,
though of course my judgement is affected by contact. But some of my
opponents in chess matches, who I never got to date, let alone see
naked, were definitely hot in appearance and style.
One, not a city champ but a pretty good chess player and a fair
match for me, would fit rather well into Carol's style. Except that
she had guys -- lots of them at times -- chasing after her, which made
the situation a bit more obvious than an aloof (not dating anyone
else?) beauty would be.
Anyway, a really nice looking girl who dresses sexy but isn't out to
pick up guys per se, and isn't dressing that way for her current
lover, is somewhat unusual, isn't she?
Of course, maybe -- in hindsight -- she's wearing that outfit for
him. We don't know whether she dresses like that all the time (like
my chess playing match I mention earlier) or if it is something
unusual for her.
DrSpin
>
>Since Matt is gagged, I thought I'd try to elucidate the French:
<snip>
>> "Taille unique... Ajustements tout d'une taille."
>
>One size only... All fittings with one size - i.e. One size fits all.
The problem IMO is not so much the use of foreign language but the
limitations of Usenet and the requirements of Courier 10 in text-only
format. If Mat's evocative little story were published elsewhere, it
would be possible to run some understated translation within the story
without harming the the style or flow, probably through the use of italics.
For example:
Ajustements tout d'une taille. *One size fits all.*
(With the bit between the asterisks in italics.)
That seems to work, as long as there's not too much of it, and in
Mat's story there's not too much. Just enough. Nice. I like it.
But it doesn't work with asterisks or with that other Usenet text
vehicle, _stuff_. Both look ugly, and because they are usually employed
for emphasis, it can lead to misleading.
But if Mat does not want to do translations, then I'm on his side. The
use of sexy foreign language can be, and is in this case, delicious.
French is sexy. Italian is also sexy. Spanish not so much but not so bad.
German is awful.
One thing is certain. Do NOT link to the Google French translator. We
have demonstrated in a previous thread that comic disaster ensues.
DrSpin
* also at ne...@ruthiesclub.com and at http://www.ruthiesclub.com
spd3432
>Since Matt is gagged, I thought I'd try to elucidate the French:
>
Thank you Oosh. I'd figured out the title, but the remainder eluded
me.
Sean
Nicholas Urfe
First, of course, the yumminess of intellectual flirting. Always a
plus, no matter what some Neanderthals in the popular culture might
say about how smarts and repartee are stuffy nonsense and how you
should free your ass before your brain.
Not just within the piece, of course: the piece itself flirts with us,
or flirts with the idea of flirting with us. It's about one
thing--look at the hand, look at the hand, so you don't see the other
hand dipping briefly into the pocket to set up the punchline which
settles with such aplomb, such deft grace in the very last word. Oh!
you say, surprised, even as you say, of course. (D'oh!--though crude,
is perhaps the best summation.)
That said:
First, I'd recommend losing the subtitle. It's too much of a clue. The
immediate impulse, of course, is that most readers not knowing French
will let it slide as something to look up later, but it risks
alienating those who don't know French and tipping your hand to those
who do--or who have a French dictionary on hand, or who are adept
enough at puzzling out the original meaning from Babelfish silliness
online. Cleverness--which is what this story is, and is about--should
proceed with a light hand. Don't smack 'em till the last moment.
Now. We're going to go afield here a minute, because while I like this
story well enough, I love the idea behind it. Mat--with some little
work, you've got a brilliant and pointed give-and-take here on "the
gender war," one clever enough by half that I'm tempted to file the
serial numbers off and steal it myself.
The thing of it is that I know enough about chess to know that we're
getting a sketch of the chess world, an impressionist portrait, a
muzzy picture--and I want not necessarily more stuff, but more focus.
More precision. I want this story to be told from more deeply within
that world; I want to be in it--and if you aren't there already, Mat,
then I want you to do the homework necessary to put us there. Not to
be an expert--but an hour or so of reading on the web will give you
verisimilitude to sprinkle throughout the story--like the actual name
of a tournament, rather than "a tournament of the top players in the
city." (You may be trying for a general feel, but the specific is
always better than the general.) But--and more to the point--
What's Carol's chess ranking?
She's gonna know. The narrator's gonna know. And it's going to be
important. See--
And this is not meant to disparage anyone who plays chess. Or all men
who play chess. Or all women. But. From the women I've known who play
chess at this sort of level (who are no more or less different from
women qua women than any individual woman is; certainly, if one were
to follow Kyle Baker's dictum, we'd expect a woman both smart and sexy
to be screwed up self-esteem-wise, but Carol's something of a fantasy
figure, and Baker's not necessarily right, and anyway, I'm losing my
point), there's something of a fetish among men who play chess and
date within that circle: they all want a girlfriend who's got as high
a ranking as possible--yet NOT higher than their own.
When you look at it that way, the little battle of wills shifts subtly
into a very interesting struggle for dominance; the flirtatious
give-and-take takes on an added zing. The narrator, hardly "in her
league" and not in this hothouse world at all, still wants to try and
beat her on her own terms. Carol/Meow, amused, perhaps, by the
flirtation and impressed by his dedication to her sphere, wants to
help him "beat" her--but can't resist letting him know how and why he
"won." Plus those snarky little indications that the narrator has
become quite financially successful, and how this impresses Carol...
The stakes are a little uglier, a little more meaningful, and cut more
closely to the bone--all to the good.
But: we're veering towards me nattering on about the story I want to
read rather than the story Mat wrote, or wants to write. Less abstruse
and closer to home: I'd recommend bringing Meow and Meow's chats with
the narrator more into the story. Use those as a counterbalance to the
very physical (and enjoyable) flirtation going on over the
chessboard--but more to the point, get some more of Carol into the
story thereby. It'll be a tricky game, but imagine the pleasure of
hitting that last line as a reader and smacking your head and racing
back to re-read the story understanding now that everything Meow said
is something Carol said. --That, more than anything else, would be the
improvement I'd recommend.
Also: word choice. The story as a whole takes on a high-minded
tone--chess, fine wine, expensive cars and clothing, a generally
edumacated palette/palate. To suddenly drop into a rather vulgar
coinage such as "pussy fur" requires some intent or meaning behind the
sudden dunking; I didn't see it. ("Pee pee," say, DID have an intent
behind it; a rather impish one, but there is a reason.) --I just don't
buy this is how the narrator refers to pubic hair. Not on someone like
Carol, in a moment like that. Come up with something else.
But that's two pozzies and three neggies, so. I liked it! There.
Best,
--n.
"The lyrics for 'It's Not My Birthday' have defied simple
interpretation, probably out of laziness on the part of its young
author."
lazy is as lazy does:
http://www.asstr.org/~nickurfe/ift/
http://www.ruthiesclub.com/
Vinnie Tesla
<valen...@hotmail.com>:
>2. I never thought of chess as sexual in any way. Very imaginative.
>
There goes a man who hasn't read enough Delta.
Yet.
http://www.asstr.org/~ASSHoF/#Delta
--
-Vinnie
vinnie...@yahoo.com
http://www.asstr.org/~vinnie_tesla/
He polishes birds of the Vista
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
forth, saying:
> Checkmate
semi-OT comment:
There's a book titled _Murder at the Chessboard_ -- edited by "P.T.
Houdunitz"
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1579121624/ref%3Dbr%5Flf%5F/103-5186993-6301462
oosh
that I shall obey the spirit, if not the letter, of the law.
My first comment is merely that: it's not a criticism, but an
observation. Here we see a particular style of writing, done very well,
in which most of the sentences are short - and some of them aren't
sentences. It's a perfectly legitimate style, as legitimate as any
other, and here I think it is well and gracefully done. I thought it
impressive that despite working within what I'd think of as a restricted
regime of sentence types, the language nevertheless flowed with good
rhythm and poise.
> At home I put on Revolver and opened the wine. "Nice
> pop," Carol said. She picked up the cork. "Mise en
> bouteilles dans nos chais," she read.
I'd make a new paragraph after "wine", since we have a change of
subject. Then I'd be able to improve the flow a little with something
like:
"Nice pop," she said [and could she raise an eyebrow here? Or just lean
forward, maybe?]. She picked up the cork and peered at it, murmuring
the words branded on it: "Mis en bouteilles dans nos chais."
I loved this:
> "Just when we were getting comfy," Carol said. "Men."
It told me a lot about what was going on in her mind. It also rang true
for me because I think that in real life, people will generally play in
dialogue before they play physically. This little touch did a great deal
to make the scene real for me. And the whole of the dialogue before the
chess game was equally nicely done.
> "...How much bigger can he can get before he explodes.[?]"
In the dialogue, though, I did feel that there were too many "I
said/she said" explications, too many of them a few words into the
quoted speech. I know that some think that I don't put enogh of them
into my own writing, and perhaps I'm being over-sensitive. At least,
some of these could be changed, so that instead of just "I said" or
"Carol said", we might have some kind of characteristic action - for
example:
"Oh!" Carol put her hand to her mouth. "You startled me."
I find myself very tentatively wondering whether "Checkmate", with its
connotation of finality, is quite right as the title of a story that
feels more like a beginning than an end. Given the glorious playfulness
of the piece, perhaps simply "Mate"? That would require a change in the
first paragraph, but I'm not sure that Carol wouldn't want both
syllables of "checkmate" anyway, to dismiss her first inept adversary.
I confess that it was not until Nicholas gently suggested it that I
realized about Carol and Meow. I just wonder whether, without being too
obvious about it, Matt should somehow insinuate that Carol is less than
surprised by her adversary's competence. For her to say "Maybe I've
underestimated you" made it difficult for me to see it, even when it was
so beautifully spelled out.
I'm not sure about the music in this piece. If I were serious about
either chess or seduction, I'd hate having music on, distracting me.
But I expect that this is just my personal oddness getting in the way.
Others may see what I miss: what the music adds to the development of
the story.
I loved the atmosphere of gentle banter. Although I wouldn't say that
two fully-rounded characters came bounding out of this story, I don't
believe that it's reasonable or right to expect that from a piece of
this length. What I did feel was that we were given a humorous and
believable view of how two real people might react, with a sure-handed
elegance and lightness of touch.
This story was crafted with wonderful care and ingenuity! I much admire it.
O.
oosh
@news.execpc.com:
> I loved the ending. Subtle but obvious.
Explain.
O.
a reader
How about a glossary at the end? With a note at the beginning that it
exists. Footnotes would be ideal but too obtrusive with the usual type
faces used.
Valen Thyan
> limitations of Usenet and the requirements of Courier 10 in text-only
> format. If Mat's evocative little story were published elsewhere, it
> would be possible to run some understated translation within the story
> without harming the the style or flow, probably through the use of
italics.
>
In the published material that I've read containing foreign language no help
is offered for those who don't understand the language.
I figure it's like using 'big words.' If the reader isn't familiar with the
language/term/word/etc. then perhaps having in the story will encourage them
to broaden their horizons. Either way, the french used in this story is
more to add elegance (I think) and what's actually *said* in french doesn't
matter (as much).
Valen
valen...@hotmail.com
http://www.asstr.org/~valen/
oosh
news:Qdvq8.1769$f4.2...@news3.calgary.shaw.ca:
> In the published material that I've read containing foreign language no
> help is offered for those who don't understand the language.
That is changing.
> ...Either way, the french used
> in this story is more to add elegance (I think) and what's actually
> *said* in french doesn't matter (as much).
We must always be careful about what matters in a story. I'd say that the
meaning of the French matters here.
O.
jane
>Hold this." She gave me her handbag...
>I was still holding her bag when we reached my car.
i found this odd on both their parts... why would she... why would
he... except of course to illustrate their dom-sub "roles"... no
doubt its the somewhat alien environment of bars and bags that threw
me, but having had little time to get to know carol or her narrator,
it seemed more an illustration than an act... theres no reason that
the story has to stand a test of being "real" but, i think, the
further one gets from realism in a seduction, the more one risks "o
please, please have your way with me"... i wish this was a nit-pick.
>"You want to bet?"
>"Bet? What kind of bet?"
although the poor narrator is being set up, isnt this the gambit of
the story... the offhand comment with two slightly different
meanings, one of which is the bait, then the acceptance of the bait...
all done in under ten words... more than an opportunity missed, the
omitted jigging of the hook by both the huntress and the hunter makes
the whole turning point less a ploy and more a blink before the sex...
i think there are other examples of where scenes and characters
might have been given more dimension to heighten the reality of the
seduction... but perhaps ive said too much already on reality.
>"Not hopelessly," I said, and I removed my underwear.
>"Mm," Carol said. "Nice bishop."
and now the good... i did really like the sex [even if thats somehow
a contradiction]... the prospect of playing any game in the nude with
a semi-stranger is exhilarating... if its going to be a dream, then,
lets pull out the stops... its sweet; its fun; its happy.... and i
must say ive suddenly taken an interest in those chess sets based on
long and slender cylinders...
>"Not 'vum'? Lower than that? How about 'xum.'"
and in the same vein, i like the playfulness of the language... in
spite of the francias and the chess lingo, the story was eminently
readable... no matter that zum never got there or was superseded by
xum, yum was the perfect place to end... i argued with mats language
for half the story first time through, finding a spelling error or a
contraction that wasnt where id like it, the french, the cunts [a word
im never fond of] and all that argument rang hollow... what matters
most is how it rolled off the tongue in harmony with the lightness of
the story... nice touch... well done! bravo!
jane
Bradley Stoke
Mat has set himself quite a challenge in this delicate and uplifting
tale of seduction. I particularly liked the parallel between the chess
moves and the more subtle moves required to achieve the final
seduction. Who is seducing whom? Only the last sentence makes this
clear.
Although I agree with another author that having the Beatles playing
while engrossed in a game of chess is a little unlikely, it's a very
subtle way of betraying the relatively mature age of the two
characters and it gives an area of shared interest. And why not have a
discussion of the Beatles? It gives extra colour to a story that could
so easily be stripped down to nothing more than a parallel dialogue
between the gradual movement towards the story's sexual resolution and
the strangely unresolved chess game.
I disagree strongly that there should be some kind of glossary at the
end of the story. Translating any language from one to another loses
far too much to make the glossary helpful. And, anyway, a good story
is complete without such nonsense.
I loved the interlocking strands, the delicate subtle pace, and above
all the fact that it is actually that rare thing on ASSM, an erotic
story.
If I have any criticism it is probably the opposite of many other
reviewers, which is that Mat sometimes appears to pander to some
readers' need to explain things when the showing is more than
adequate. We didn't need to know that the protagonist read about
Carol's love of the Beatles in the local paper, for instance. We don't
really need translations from the French. But this is so minor as to
be hardly worth saying.
And the title. "Checkmate"? Doesn't the game come to a draw? (Although
"Draw" is an ambiguous title. And "A Game of Chess Ending in a Draw"
is one of the crappiest titles in the world).
Well done.
Bradley Stoke
Jeff Zephyr
It wasn't blatant or pushy, but neither did it take more than a
moment to get it. The alternative would be subtle and devious or
clandestine, where you'd need to think quite a while before you
figured it out.
Jeff Zephyr
>"Valen Thyan" <valen...@hotmail.com> wrote in
>news:Qdvq8.1769$f4.2...@news3.calgary.shaw.ca:
>
>> In the published material that I've read containing foreign language no
>> help is offered for those who don't understand the language.
>
>That is changing.
A lot of material includes references when neither context nor easy
external references (a common dictionary, for example, can be expected
for ordinary words, or a technical one for technical material intended
for a specific field -- whose members should know the terms, or at
least how to look them up).
Something for a general audience needs references, and on the web it
routinely has it. In publications, I've seen glossaries or other
methods of reference used often enough to find it conventional.
>> ...Either way, the french used
>> in this story is more to add elegance (I think) and what's actually
>> *said* in french doesn't matter (as much).
>
>We must always be careful about what matters in a story. I'd say that the
>meaning of the French matters here.
Yes, the meanings make you wonder, especially as both characters
*do* understand the language (he apparently somewhat less so, but 1
year of a language (?) isn't a lot in most high schools).
sue
> 2. I never thought of chess as sexual in any way. Very imaginative.
Check it out.
sue
Jim Butterfield
part:
>I confess that it was not until Nicholas gently suggested it that I
>realized about Carol and Meow.
Yes! As the title hints, maybe they're the same person! (Meow
working through an internet relay) ...
And Carol indicates that she knows the strategy with which her
opponent has been coached: "The game could still go either way. Who
knows, you might get too greedy. You might blow it."
Yeah Carol! Yeah Matt! What other subtleties might also be lying in
wait for a reread?
Good story: the story flows nicely, the characters appeal, the ending
has a light touch.
Weaknesses: slight. The first meeting is odd, and doesn't quite ring
true. She swivels a quarter of an inch to the right towards him, he
offers to buy her a drink? No first names, yet they've known each
other from high school? Is this a first meeting after some lapse of
time, or do both of them regularly hang around the chess-playing bar?
I'd like to have the stage set better for this little interaction.
The hint seems strong that Carol and Meow are <possibly> the same
person; but could we hear more about the faceless Meow? "Meow had
done a detailed analysis of Carol's strategies and the best ways to
counter them." ... why? Who initiated this interaction, and with what
motivation?
But an vignette can sometimes be better than an odyssey, and Matt's
story holds up well as a brilliant and elegant piece of writing.
Oh, yeah, the French .. sure, tack translations on as a footnote for
those who need 'em .. it will set them up for a reread.
--j
-----= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =-----
http://www.newsfeeds.com - The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World!
-----== Over 80,000 Newsgroups - 16 Different Servers! =-----
Gary Jordan
innumerable favorites).
Others paraised and panned the French, which I found delightful as it stood,
and more delightful once my translation was confirmed (and corrected.)
I have no improvements to the text. I can't wait to see it rendered in HTML,
which permits several methods of imbedding or footnoting translations. Either
way, I enjoyed the story.
Gary Jordan
"Old submariners never die. It's not within their scope."
I have *never* done that before.
I didn't do it this time.
And I'll never do it again.
(And this time, I mean it!)
oosh
news:20020403191933...@mb-ft.aol.com:
> I have no improvements to the text. I can't wait to see it rendered in
> HTML, which permits several methods of imbedding or footnoting
> translations...
The way that I've now used in /Pavlova/ IIIb is to have a translation "pop
up" when you hover your mouse cursor over the French, <span lang="FR"
title="for want of anything better">faute de mieux</span>.
O.
oosh
@news.execpc.com:
> On Wed, 03 Apr 2002 03:39:18 GMT, oosh <oo...@gmx.NOSPAM.net> wrote:
>
>>Jeff Zephyr <jeff...@hotmail.com> wrote in news:3ca9151b$0$1427$272ea4a1
>>@news.execpc.com:
>>
>>> I loved the ending. Subtle but obvious.
>>
>>Explain.
>
> It wasn't blatant or pushy, but neither did it take more than a
> moment to get it. The alternative would be subtle and devious or
> clandestine, where you'd need to think quite a while before you
> figured it out.
Obvious, now you've explained it!
O.
oosh
@news.pathcom.com:
> On Wed, 03 Apr 2002 03:37:01 GMT, oosh <oo...@gmx.NOSPAM.net> wrote, in
> part:
>
>>I confess that it was not until Nicholas gently suggested it that I
>>realized about Carol and Meow.
>
> Yes! As the title hints, maybe they're the same person! (Meow
> working through an internet relay) ...
Then perhaps it should be "La Chatte..."
O.
oosh
> 2. I never thought of chess as sexual in any way. Very imaginative.
Shows how much pawnography you read.
O.
Gary Jordan
<giggle>
<snort *gasp*>
<chortle>
<guffaw>
<wipe teears>
Oosh for queen!
Valen Thyan
news:Xns91E628BA33...@212.134.15.212...
Touché, mais ce ne peut pas être tout ce que vous avez? Apportez-le. :)
Valen
valen...@hotmail.com
http://www.asstr.org/~valen/
Jim Butterfield
>Then perhaps it should be "La Chatte..."
ROTFL!
(For non-French-speakers, "chatte" means not only female cat, but also
"pussy" in both senses of the word).
Selena Jardine
> >
> >Since Matt is gagged, I thought I'd try to elucidate the French:
>
> <snip>
>
> >> "Taille unique... Ajustements tout d'une taille."
> >
> >One size only... All fittings with one size - i.e. One size fits all.
>
> The problem IMO is not so much the use of foreign language but the
> limitations of Usenet and the requirements of Courier 10 in text-only
> format. If Mat's evocative little story were published elsewhere, it
> would be possible to run some understated translation within the story
> without harming the the style or flow, probably through the use of italics.
>
> For example:
>
> Ajustements tout d'une taille. *One size fits all.*
>
> (With the bit between the asterisks in italics.)
>
> That seems to work, as long as there's not too much of it, and in
> Mat's story there's not too much. Just enough. Nice. I like it.
>
> But it doesn't work with asterisks or with that other Usenet text
> vehicle, _stuff_. Both look ugly, and because they are usually employed
> for emphasis, it can lead to misleading.
This is often a problem. It can sometimes be solved by putting verbal
explanations right into the text itself: one could say, "I read the
label. 'Mis en bouteilles dans nos chais' -- whew, estate-bottled
wine, how was I ever going to afford this? Genevieve and I were going
to wind up washing dishes." That can become unwieldy if used too
often, but it can be nice, too. I do think that unless a phrase is
really in extremely common use in English, there usually ought to be a
hint given to the reader. That's a prejudice of mine, brought on by
having to go, hat in hand, to my father and ask him what "Placetne,
magistra" meant when I read Dorothy Sayers' _Gaudy Night_.
> But if Mat does not want to do translations, then I'm on his side. The
> use of sexy foreign language can be, and is in this case, delicious.
> French is sexy. Italian is also sexy. Spanish not so much but not so bad.
> German is awful.
Mais oui, bien sur que French is sexy. Monsieur le docteur Spin has
exquisite taste.
Selena
selena...@yahoo.com
Vinnie Tesla
Jordan):
>Denny already provided a link to "Strip Chess" by Delta (another of my
>innumerable favorites).
>
Oh, did he?
Vinnie Tesla
>The way that I've now used in /Pavlova/ IIIb is to have a translation "pop
>up" when you hover your mouse cursor over the French, <span lang="FR"
>title="for want of anything better">faute de mieux</span>.
>
That's a very good idea, but I wonder if some visual indication that
it's text worth mousing over isn't a good idea--perhaps a subtle color
change.
lisala
<vinnie...@yahoo.com> wrote:
> That's a very good idea, but I wonder if some visual indication that
> it's text worth mousing over isn't a good idea--perhaps a subtle color
> change.
The academic web convention for glossed words is to use italics, and to
have a note at the start indicating that glosses are thus identified.
The reason a color change is not preferred is that avoiding the colors
that are problems for color blind users severely reduces the palette
and one then has to deal with aesthetics.
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
forth, saying:
*kitten*
wipewipewipe
Have a kiss.
8
8
8
8
8
888
88888
8888888
888888
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
held forth, saying:
>Denny already provided a link to "Strip Chess" by Delta (another of my
>innumerable favorites)
I 'preciate the credit; but 'twas Vinnie who did that.
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
held forth, saying:
>On Thu, 04 Apr 2002 02:48:28 GMT, oosh <oo...@gmx.NOSPAM.net> wrote:
>
>>Then perhaps it should be "La Chatte..."
>
>ROTFL!
>
>(For non-French-speakers, "chatte" means not only female cat, but also
>"pussy" in both senses of the word).
>
> --j
Thank you--I for one didn't know that.
Welcome to the Funhouse!
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
held forth, saying:
>That's a prejudice of mine, brought on by
>having to go, hat in hand, to my father and ask him what "Placetne,
>magistra" meant when I read Dorothy Sayers' _Gaudy Night_.
Certainly Sayers and Christie (and, I suspect, most other English
writers of that time) assumed their readers to be conversant with
French and often Latin. But both usually supply translations of
German.
oosh
news:3cac96a4...@news.speakeasy.net:
> On Thu, 04 Apr 2002 02:44:24 GMT, quoth the oosh <oo...@gmx.NOSPAM.net>:
>
>
>>The way that I've now used in /Pavlova/ IIIb is to have a translation
>>"pop up" when you hover your mouse cursor over the French, <span
>>lang="FR" title="for want of anything better">faute de mieux</span>.
>>
> That's a very good idea, but I wonder if some visual indication that
> it's text worth mousing over isn't a good idea--perhaps a subtle color
> change.
Yes. I use italic for foreign languages, and I put an explanatory note to
guide the reader that if she sees a word she doesn't understand, she should
just hover her mouse over it.
O.
oosh
@news3.calgary.shaw.ca:
> Touché, mais ce ne peut pas être tout ce que vous avez? Apportez-le. :)
Peut-être que j'en ai un peu plus. Mais les parties d'échecs ne m'amusent
pas. Je me dédie au jeu de dames.
Et ne songe pas à m'emprunter ce titre-là - Jeu de Dames - je le réserve à
moi!
O.
Valen Thyan
D'accord, c'est la votre.
Valen
valen...@hotmail.com
http://www.asstr.org/~valen/
Gary Jordan
>pjc...@aol.come.to.bed (Gary Jordan)
>held forth, saying:
>
>>Denny already provided a link to "Strip Chess" by Delta (another of my
>>innumerable favorites)
>
>I 'preciate the credit; but 'twas Vinnie who did that.
Zut! Alors. C'est la vie.
Pardonez moi, Mssr.Vinnie.
Gary Jordan
Les vieux marins submersibles ne meurent pas. Ils courent précipitamment
environ sournoisement.
(Blame Google if it makes no sense.)
Jeff Zephyr
Maybe there is a trick to spotting the things? It is like not
getting puns or other inside jokes right off, but you laugh later when
you realize?
Conjugate
My goodness, you're on a roll lately. Are you in a particularly good mood
of late, or is there some other reason?
Conjugate
just being nosy again
celia batau
we liked the story. :) bc of the lightness of the story, it is very
difficult for us to put it into a pozzie and neggie list. but with that in
mind, we have the following.
"Desdmona22" <desdm...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20020401110618...@mb-fr.aol.com...
> 1) 2 positive comments
> 2) 2 suggestions for improvement
> 3) Try not to repeat!
pozzie one: the lightness. like one of those whipped egg white pastries that
tastes good even though there's not much to it but you don't care. :)
pozzie two: the ability to make entertaining and engaging the rather dull
activities of chess, wine, and beatles. (no, she's not philistine.
byzantine. :)
neggie one. the sentence structure was mostly the same, even though it
worked.
not much of a neggie, but it was something that kept us aware that we were
_reading_ a story.
neggie two: we couldn't understand why Carol wanted him. cute nerd who
follows this aloof woman around for ten years, then when he finally gets the
courage to ask he gets kind of herded and conquered. we're with Jimmy Bot.
we're just a machine. don't understand these human things.
yay M-A-T! yay!
-celia
--
celia batau's story site: http://www.myplanet.net/pinataheart/stories.htm.
I retch pity, feed on
the hate in their minds.
They look through me.
Stone under the lids of
my eyes. A laughing girl
I am not.
-mkdancer
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
held forth, saying:
>(Blame Google if it makes no sense.)
Why? It's so much more fun to twit you for again making no sense. :)
oosh
news:uaq6eaa...@corp.supernews.com:
> My goodness, you're on a roll lately.
Just mildly cyclothymic, I'm told, but well within the normal range. (Sounds
pretty authoritative, doesn't it?)
Spring is in the air!
O.
oosh
>>Obvious, now you've explained it!
>
> Maybe there is a trick to spotting the things? It is like not
> getting puns or other inside jokes right off, but you laugh later when
> you realize?
>
I'm reminded of a story told to me long ago about a maths lecturer who
covered the blackboard with some very dense formula, and then turned to his
audience with the words "I take it that's obvious so far?" He then turned
back to the board and checked over the formula. Then he walked out of the
lecture-room scratching his head. Half an hour later he reappeared and
said, "Yes, it is obvious."
O.
Selena Jardine
> Our FishTank schedule looks like this:
>
> April 1: Mat Twassel
>
> April 8: Nick Cassandra
>
> April 15: Open
>
>
> The following story is an adaptation of a previous story submitted to ASSM.
> It's a complete story that is 2,309 words. FishTank Guidelines apply:
>
> 1) 2 positive comments
> 2) 2 suggestions for improvement
> 3) Try not to repeat!
>
>
> Submissions and comments are being stored at:
>
> http://www.asstr.org/~Desdmona/FishTank/base
>
> ****************************************************************
> Checkmate
> or
> Le Chat a une Belle Queue
>
> By Mat Twassel
I'm getting my comments in so late this time that it's hard not to
repeat, so I'll try to be careful, and just add my usual nitpicks and
nice moments.
Nitpicks:
1) I would really like to see more of Carol in between nasty-aloof
and drunk-seductive. From what we see of her, it's hard to decide why
the narrator wants her, besides her physical attributes: she smirks,
she insults him (Daddy's Jag, bad chess), she's bored with the Whole
Thing. You *tell* us that the two of them talk about the past, have a
good time talking, but you don't show us. Show us. Otherwise the
"forever" at the end jars pretty seriously.
2) Why on earth does Carol get in the back of the car? This seems
unnatural to me. If she does it, you might mention that it's not what
ordinary people do when two adults are riding in the car together; the
narrator would surely feel she was trying to put him at a
disadvantage, maintain her aloofness, something.
Nice moments:
1) I like that "Back in the USSR" is playing early in the evening.
Nice hint that Carol is Meow, his "Russian" friend. Enriches
re-reading.
2) I liked the use of the low table to put Carol at a slight
disadvantage. Through the whole story to that point, the advantage
had been hers; then her dress, which had been her weapon, became
difficult for her as well. Very nicely observed.
Thanks, Mat!
Selena
selena...@yahoo.com
Jeff Zephyr
Makes sense to me :-)
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
forth, saying:
There's also a scene in _The Number of the Beast..._ where one
character, speaking of her physicist, polymath father, says (roughly),
"When he starts in with 'It then becomes obvious that...' I know it's
time for me to leave."
('she,' btw is a genius in her own right; but not one of the very few
mathematicians who can deal with her father's math.)
PleaseCain
wrist, her nipples) and some sustained romantic tension, full of playfulness
and fun. My favorite part of the story though is her. Clever, sexy, haughty,
a unique and delicious minx. Her purse, her body, her self-confidence. You
could easily base more stories on her. In fact, I would encourage it!
But the introduction strikes me as all wrong. The wrong tone and set-up for
the rest of the piece. He is drippy and timid enough to believe that he has
observed her tactics and digested her game without being noticed. This is
unlikely enough, but then we discover that he is a 28-year-old who owns a
Jaguar, two characteristics that don't speak humble to me. None of this
squares, it's too disparate: he is as oblique as she is vivid. Yet somehow,
she is attracted to him. Fair enough, author's prerogative, but I was
two-thirds of the way through before I had shelved my disbelief and allowed
myself to enjoy the unfolding moments. Perhaps tinker with the beginning,
bring it up to the rest of what is otherwise a wonderfully romantic story?
The wager reminds me of a Mae West movie, where she makes the same bet over a
game of dice with a tycoon. Paraphrasing:
Man: Let me get this straight. If you win, you get my ranch?
MW: Right.
Man: And if I win?
MW: I get everything.
Now, what's her number again? I'm afraid I've been a very naughty boy.
Cain
Nick
wrote:
>Oosh for queen!
>
Actually, a vacancy has recently arisen...
Nick
oosh
@supernews.surfanytime.co.uk:
What a very male perspective!
O.
oosh
Newsgroups: Magpie:alt.sex.stories.d
To: Selena Jardine <selena...@yahoo.com>
selena...@yahoo.com (Selena Jardine) wrote in
news:b653f8ec.02040...@posting.google.com:
> 2) Why on earth does Carol get in the back of the car? This seems
> unnatural to me. If she does it, you might mention that it's not what
> ordinary people do when two adults are riding in the car together; the
> narrator would surely feel she was trying to put him at a
> disadvantage, maintain her aloofness, something.
>
> Nice moments:
>
> 1) I like that "Back in the USSR" is playing early in the evening.
> Nice hint that Carol is Meow, his "Russian" friend. Enriches
> re-reading.
Some very astute comments, Selena - as ever!
I apologize for coming back for a second bite of the cherry like this, but
I wanted to hazard a further thought. Tell me to shut up if I'm wrong.
A lot of the fun in this story is a chess-like puzzle - the identification
of Carol with Meow - but it's very carefully concealed from us. We really
need a committee of commentators to unearth the clues.
I don't decry this for a second; and in the context of a chess-game,
it's more than fair enough.
I'm just wondering if what we're seeing here is a kind of coyness: that if
there is a "hidden level", it has to be hidden so damn well that we can
never be entirely sure we've got it right.
I suppose I'm harking back to my earlier rant about mystery and puzzle.
Here we have puzzle.
O.
Conjugate
news:3cae43be...@supernews.surfanytime.co.uk...
Erm, technically that's a vacancy in the office of Queen Mother, and not
HRM, right? I'm not sure Oosh would fit in as Queen Mother. ICOCBW.
Conjugate
Jacques LeBlanc
> There's also a scene in _"The Number of the Beast..."_ where one
> character, speaking of her physicist, polymath father, says (roughly),
> "When he starts in with 'It then becomes obvious that...' I know it's
> time for me to leave."
> ('she,' btw is a genius in her own right; but not one of the very few
> mathematicians who can deal with her father's math.)
"Few?" It's been a while since I read that book, but IIRC there was
exactly one other mathematician who could really understand what Jake
Burroughs was talking about, and he was from a different worldline:
Andrew Jackson Libby. (Of course, "he" had been reborn as a she,
Libby Long, by the time she and Dr. Burroughs met. That was arguably
Heinlein's weirdest book.)
Later,
Jacques
Nick
Well, that would be a bit much wouldn't it. It's a foot in the door
though, although a little reverse manoeuvreing would have to be .
I wonder what the Chelsea Pensioners would make of having a lesbian
Queen other. She'd have more miles on the clock, but I'm not sure that
would swing it.
Nick
Nick
It's such a male perspective that I don't even understand what you can
mean.
Nick
mat twassel
http://assm.asstr.org/Year2002/35773
A review by Tainted Lime led me to Sean's work--and how could I resist
checking out something by someone named Ng? The Ng sisters, Tammy and Deidre,
are way up on my list of favorite sex story writers. In his review of Sean's
"Checkmate," Tainted Lime says that the story needs to be cleaned up, so that's
what I set out to do--initially, as a lark, I suppose; but two sentences into
the task my muse veered. I should note that another TL comment had to do with
Sean Ng's first language likely not being English--I think that led me to use
the bits of foreign tongue as a sort of plot device. Does it work? Is it too
much of an inconvenience? I really don't think the reader needs to know French
for the story to work at its most basic level, though the meanings of the
French phrases add more than just flavor--at least that's my opinion--so I'd
hope a reader without French would be inspired enough at some point to find a
dictionary, a French speaking friend, or resort to Babelfish, which should
suffice (except, perhaps, for the subtitle). I'll be interested in getting
other opinions on this. In fact, my skill at French closely matches my skill
at chess. Murderously woeful. I made use (for the French) of all three
alternatives--a dictionary, a friend, and the Internet. All mistakes are mine,
however. Except that the cork text comes right off the cork. In my defense
(my French Defense! which I was aching to use somewhere, but sometimes the best
things must be left out) any mistakes could well be the characters'. Please
feel free to construe lack of control as artistic inspiration.
Reading the story now, a couple of weeks after having written in, I find many
passages, especially at the beginning, too choppy for my taste. Maybe I'd do
some lengthening and smoothing. Part of that fragment style might have owed to
a slight and semi-unconscious attempt to mimic the exotic flavor of Sean's
character, but I don't think I was successful there. I'm also not too pleased
with the explicit sexual passages. At some moments I think they are neither
quite clear enough nor quite sexy, while at other times I think they are too
overt and too sexy. Similarly, I wonder whether the details of the actual chess
game are too few or too many. My instincts tell me that they are not too far
from being just right, but again I'm interested in getting the reactions of
others. The model for the game, by the way, was one played by Bobby Fischer
and the Dr. Max Euwe. (Love that name. I was tempted to have Meow play the
French Defense (as I think I hinted a moment ago), but in a story that may lean
excessively to the cute, I feared something so blatant would tip the balance.
Karo-Kann might be too much as it is. In fact it is quite similar to the
French, I'm told, except that Karo-Kann avoids Queen Bishop constriction.)
There is a rough spot or two in the course of the game which I think could use
some smoothing. I'm not sure. One little point: I'm considering changing
"ICQ" to "e-mail pal" or "Internet pal" or something like that, only because I
fear many readers won't know what ICQ is, though I like it because it sounds
more like something chess buffs would use.
Thanks in advance to all those who comment, and thanks to Sean for the
material. (I strongly suspect that if I'm to use this "rewrite" beyond a
workshop I'll need either to get his permission or to change a few more things.
But as I said up front--this started out as an exercise, and by and large it is
still an exercise; I don't expect to use it outside of this workshop.)
--Mat
It is now late Friday night. I have read all the comments which have appeared
in my AOL newsreader, which as been erratic of late. I hope I didn't miss
anybody. Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to read the story and to
comment. I am pleased that many of you thought much of the story worked, and
I am grateful for all the suggestions. Every one of them has merit. Yes,
that's a good idea, I'd say to myself as I read one suggestion. Yes, I should
have done that, I'd say to the next comment. Yes, that should have been done
better. Yes, yes, yes. But it didn't take me too long to figure out that some
of the suggestions contradicted others, or would have me change the very thing
that other readers said worked well. Furthermore, some of the suggestions, good
and valid as they are, are beyond my capabilities, or would require writing
quite a different story. Finally, were I to follow each suggestion, I have the
strange feeling I might end up back where I started. Oh, dear. So I'm posting a
revision which incorporates a few changes. I'm sure I should have done more.
A few comments on the comments, in case anyone is interested, and a few
questions.
Sean:
I'm glad you liked the humor--Um, Vum, Xum. I'm glad you went back for that
second reading. Would you have done that had it not been a Fishtank story?
What was your reaction after the first reading? I don't mind if the reader
doesn't "get" the ending immediately, but I'm not sure I'd want him to have to
read the story a second time in order to understand it at all. Ideally the
story would be attractive on the first reading. How could I accomplish that
without at the same time weakening the impact?
For someone who doesn't know French, I think it's likely that the bits of it in
this story will get in the way. One of the reasons I picked a French subtitle
was to prepare the reader. If he hates seeing that sort of stuff, he can go
away before he's made much of an investment. If, years from now when I'm
unjustly famous, some noble critic decides to prepare an annotated version, I'd
have no objections--well, how could I? But it's not something I'd do on my own.
I like the idea (in general) of making any foreign bits gracefully evident
within the text itself, and I've seen it done to perfection, but I couldn't
figure out how to do it gracefully in this story. One technique is to have the
speaker repeat the phrase in English. Another is to have the listener repeat
the phrase in English, or reply in a way that makes the meaning clear. I
didn't like the way either looked. For the final bits, I feel it would wreck
the snap.
Valen:
I'm glad you liked the ending. I'm not sure I meant it to be a completely
closed ending. Yes, I believe Carol engineered the whole thing, and probably
Carol is Meow, but I think there's a possibility that Carol is merely in
cahoots with Meow, and a possibility that her final comment is simply
serendipitous--although the narrator almost certainly won't take it that way.
In any event, what comes next, though beyond this story, is somewhat up in the
air.
Chess has often been used in literature as a pawn in the pursuit of erotics.
In real-life, too, I'd imagine! In the mid-90's Delta wrote a long and highly
regarded story called "Strip Chess," which one or more readers have mentioned.
(Best I remember, my attention wandered as I read "Strip Chess," and I don't
think I finished it--I know I don't remember how it ends--but I intend to go
back to it now.) You might also investigate chess in the works of Nabakov.
Sean Ng, I learned, actually wrote two versions of "Checkmate," and in a
preface to the first he mentions that he based his story on a novel he read.
I'm not sure I understand your comment about playing the Beatles. "Back in the
USSR" is the first song on the White Album, isn't it? And I thought he did get
up to put it on and later Sergeant Pepper's. Maybe I'm missing something.
Denny:
Thanks for pointing out that "can can." A French dance, right? Speaking of
French, what language is OB-la-di?
I'm glad you liked the pace. That's one thing I lose a feel for after working
with a story for a while. Wouldn't it be nice if there were a way for writers
to read a work in progress with fresh eyes? For wine tasters, a snippet of
bread or a small scoop of sorbet clears the palate, right? Anyone know of some
similar tool or technique for writers? Irish whiskey and lots of it? (For the
purists, I can't remember whether it's Irish whiskey and Scotch whisky or the
other way around. I've not a bottle of either handy at the moment.)
Nick:
I'm glad you liked the premise and the pace. The premise, or at least the
set-up, belongs to Sean. I liked it, too. Do you recall a story in which you
didn't at first like the premise but later changed your mind?
I'm sorry about the lack of subtlety. My intention on the give and take of the
seduction was that she should be perceived (though not necessarily accurately)
as active or overt seductress only when Carol's dominance at the chess table
begins to ebb. But clearly Carol and the guy do at least get along as soon as
the music comes on and the wine begins to flow. Maybe that's a flaw. That she
puts on makeup in the car is a curious mask. In fact she's probably only
touching up her lipstick, but our narrator is as clueless as I am about the
difference. I agree that Carol's character is a curious mix. I think the
backseat stuff and the makeup is sort of a game, a bit of one-upmanship.
Perhaps she is testing him. If a girl you desired got into the backseat, what
would you do? What would you want to do?
Jeff:
You're right: that is, probably few cities of any size have a woman as chess
champion. Is the story's credibility strained enough thereby to make it a
problem? I'd rather not make her "woman's city champion."
I see this woman's dress as somewhat consistent with her "You can't beat me and
you can't have me, I'm just too good" attitude. But as Nick said, if she falls
too easily into his arms, the story fails. Unless ....
Conjugate:
I'm glad you had fun with it and liked the imagery, etc.. Good comments, man!
Thanks! I needed a bit of a breather. And I see that there are scads more
comments. This is stressful. But it's also fun! Anyone who doesn't submit to
Fishtank is a fool.
Oosh:
>Since Matt is gagged ...< Oh, now there's an image. Do I get my choice of
article? Anyway, thanks for the French translations.
>"Le Chat a une Belle Queue/The cat (male) has a beautiful tail."<
I'd hoped at the outset for something more neutral, er ... ambiguous. Can
anyone suggest a fix? It's okay for my characters to speak flawed French, but
sinful for me. Anyway, I take the blame for this. I asked my friend the
French for "The cat has a lovely tail," knowing that cat in French also means
"pussy" but not realizing that it only applies to the female cat. When she
pointed out my "mistake," I thought about changing it; however, the main
purpose of the subtitle was a quasi-translation of "Checkmate," and I think it
embodies and suggests (upon reflection) just the sort of confusion which may be
appropriate. Or maybe it is just too confusing. What do you think?
"Mise en bouteilles dans nos chais ... A better-quality French wine might well
have this (or something like it)
on the cork." As I mentioned above, this is true to the cork, which in this
case came from a rather inexpensive but also rather good (at least I thought
so) French wine.
"Taille unique... Ajustements tout d'une taille./One size only... One size fits
all." My non-native but very competent French speaking friend spent a good
thirty minutes teaching me just the right way to say "taille" and "Queue." What
fun! Of course she might have been pulling the wool over my eyes, so to speak.
But you know what they say, French is the language of love. What does "coeur"
mean again?
Jeff again:
I appreciate all your thoughts. I enjoyed your many observations. You're quite
right: the narrator is sometimes selective about what he tells, and he doesn't
tell a whole lot about himself. But I don't think he's being deceptive or
duplicitous, with perhaps one or two little exceptions, and I believe that
these do not violate the conventional standards of first person storytelling.
He doesn't tell us that his understanding of French is much better than he let
on to Carol, for example, but so what? We learn at the moment of his triumph.
What exactly he means by his final remark is probably open to some
interpretation.
But what more about him would you like to know besides his name, and how would
it help the story? I see the most important fact about Max is his motive, and
he's up front about that: he wants Carol. Okay, as you point out, there is
some ambiguity there: if he had a choice between beating her at chess and
having sex with her, which would he choose? I don't know. I don't really know
if he knows. He'd like both. To an extent he sees both "problems" as games,
and he plots accordingly. He wants her. (Okay, I do know. He'd pick her.)
DrSpin:
If this were published in hardcopy, the foreign phrases would undoubtedly
appear in italics. I don't think I'd put translations into the flow, though I
do acknowledge the issues. If this were to appear in an html setting, I'd
certainly consider putting translation in a mouse-over box.
Nicholas Urfe:
>First, I'd recommend losing the subtitle. It's too much of a clue. The
immediate impulse, of course, is that most readers not knowing French
will let it slide as something to look up later, but it risks
alienating those who don't know French and tipping your hand to those
who do--or who have a French dictionary on hand, or who are adept
enough at puzzling out the original meaning from Babelfish silliness
online. Cleverness--which is what this story is, and is about--should
proceed with a light hand. Don't smack 'em till the last moment.<
I appreciate these thoughts. My thinking is that I want it to be a clue, or a
potential clue. And if I'm going to irritate anyone, let me get it out of the
way right away. And if the reader "guesses" the ending from the subtitle, more
power to him. Anyway, is it that bold a clue? Does it let the entire cat out
of the bag? Or does it just give us a little peek inside?
Regarding the details of the chess world, I'm not sure. I do like telling
details, but even if I knew enough to provide them, I'm not sure they would
help. Maybe the actual name of a made-up tournament. The Twin-Cities Open,
how's that? I probably could do something with the atmosphere of the club at
the beginning. At the same time I like the economy of the reader providing
whatever fill is needed in the setting. Okay, right now maybe it's a bland
and sterile as a porno set. At least it's not cluttered. When setting serves at
entertainment but does not advance the story, I prefer to let the reader fend
for himself. I'm not sure that the specific is always better than the general,
or rather the specific versus the unspecified specific. The chess club.
Bishop's Woods Chess Club. Naw. I like the Thomas Pynchon of "Entropy," but I
also like the John Hawkes of Second Skin. (") She was a 2250 and climbing. I'll
probably never crack 2000. But ...(") But I don't know. I can see the upside.
I can see the down.
I'd probably like the story you want to read. Wonderful vision. Go ahead, write
it. I do like your idea of getting more of Carol and Meow into this story, and
two or three well-placed comments might be enough. I tried a few for the
revision, but they weren't good enough, disrupting more than adding, and so I
left them out.
Word choice: how vulgar is "pussy fur"? I thought it was just naughty enough,
and playful, and apt, but maybe I'm being blind. Anyway, I've tweaked the
lead-in, in an attempt to soften it some.
Oosh:
>I thought it
impressive that despite working within what I'd think of as a restricted
regime of sentence types, the language nevertheless flowed with good
rhythm and poise.<
Thanks. I need to work on my sentence types. I fear the restricted regime is
due as much to my own limitations as anything else. Thanks for the examples of
improved flow.
>In the dialogue, though, I did feel that there were too many "I
said/she said" explications, too many of them a few words into the
quoted speech. I know that some think that I don't put enogh of them
into my own writing, and perhaps I'm being over-sensitive. At least,
some of these could be changed, so that instead of just "I said" or
"Carol said", we might have some kind of characteristic action - for
example:
"Oh!" Carol put her hand to her mouth. "You startled me."<
Good suggestion. My feeling in general is that "he said/she said" explications
evaporate. The worst thing is to leave the reader unsure of the speaker, though
if the words are "in character" it's less likely to be a problem. The advantage
of having nothing (or having an evaporated "he said" is that it's intensely
immediate. At the same time it doesn't give as full a picture. In summary, the
main reason I use tags is to make sure the reader can understand who is
speaking, but I agree that many of the tags in this story are not needed. A
secondary reason for the tag sometimes is to show the pause. Something a little
stronger than a period but not so strong that an intervening phrase (of action
or whatever) is called for. In the revision I have streamlined here and there.
>I find myself very tentatively wondering whether "Checkmate", with its
connotation of finality, is quite right as the title of a story that
feels more like a beginning than an end. Given the glorious playfulness
of the piece, perhaps simply "Mate"? That would require a change in the
first paragraph, but I'm not sure that Carol wouldn't want both
syllables of "checkmate" anyway, to dismiss her first inept adversary.<
Actually checkmate was intended (coupled with the subtitle) to be playful. I do
see your point.
>I confess that it was not until Nicholas gently suggested it that I
realized about Carol and Meow. I just wonder whether, without being too
obvious about it, Matt should somehow insinuate that Carol is less than
surprised by her adversary's competence. For her to say "Maybe I've
underestimated you" made it difficult for me to see it, even when it was
so beautifully spelled out.<
So it appears that the subtitle in your case (even though you know French) did
not give the game away. That's interesting. Had I used the "proper" word for
pussy, maybe you would have seen it immediately. I like the idea of Carol being
extremely competent for her part in all this, and I fear I'm not competent
enough to have her insinuate without it being too stark. I don't want (Max, as
I now call him) to have any doubts on that score until the end, so we'd have to
have him relate something which slips right by him. I'm sure it can be done.
After all, he's blinded by ... something. The interesting thing in all this,
from my perspective, is that Carol, assuming she is Meow, or is league with
Meow, could easily win the Jag (or whatever she wants). In short, she's got
this guy regardless. And yet she chooses a different tactic.
Jeff again, about the ending:
>It wasn't blatant or pushy, but neither did it take more than a
moment to get it. The alternative would be subtle and devious or
clandestine, where you'd need to think quite a while before you
figured it out.<
Thanks. I hope that even in figuring it out, there's at least a little more to
think about. In other words, I didn't mean this to be nothing more than a twist
story. Ah, but then some people didn't get the twist.
Reader:
I sympathize with the language issue. I remember reading John Fowles The Magus
when I was young. I remember liking it and being frustrated by the Greek at
the very end. My investigative skills were not up to the deciphering task: our
little town library hadn't anything to help; my school's library was worse; I
didn't know anybody to write to or to ask, and even if I did, maybe I would
have been too shy. Oh, and this was long before the Internet. So a
translastion such as you suggest would have made me happy.
Valen:
>the french used in this story is
more to add elegance (I think) and what's actually *said* in french doesn't
matter (as much).<
Well, that wasn't completely my intent. That is, I didn't intend the French
meanings to be meaningless. But I didn't intend them to be vital, and I'm happy
for you reaction.
Jane:
I agree that her domish behavior at the beginning is a little much.
On the blink before the sex, again I think you're right. I'm not sure what I'm
going to do about it, though.
I'm glad you liked the sex. I had some misgivings there, too.
>i argued with mats language
for half the story first time through, finding a spelling error or a
contraction that wasnt where id like it, the french, the cunts [a word
im never fond of] and all that argument rang hollow... what matters
most is how it rolled off the tongue in harmony with the lightness of
the story... nice touch... well done! bravo!<
Thank you. I would, however, like to know about the spelling and the misplaced
contraction and especially the hollow argument--I'm not quite sure what you
mean.
Bradley:
Thanks! I don't know if I will cut out the information that he learned about
Carol from reading the high school paper. Probably we don't need to know that,
but I think it does fill him out a little. It goes to his character and
history?
"A Game of Chess Ending in a Draw" is one of the crappiest titles in the world"
Now here we disagree! That could be a great title, though I probably wouldn't
use it for this. One of the best story titles I can think of is Mark Aster's
"Woman Being Tongued to Orgasm While Reciting North American State Capitals."
Jim:
Thanks for the comments and the ideas. Perhaps the beginning does need some
slight bolstering. Exactly how Meow and (Max) came to connect is something of
a mystery, but I'm inclined to leave that up to the reader.
Gary:
Glad for your comments about the French. On the other hand, it might be easier
to decide what to do if everyone hated it.
Selena:
Thanks for the good examples of deflected translation.
Celia:
Thanks for the comments. I really admired writers who can make me forget I'm
reading a story. I agree that sameness of sentence structure can keep the
reader from the story. Obviously I can't just stick in weird structures,
either. Those would call attention to themselves. And oddly enough, some
writing teachers recommend "dull" sentence structures as a way to keep the
writing transparent. Interesting issue.
As far as whey Carol wanted the nerd, well, that is a question, and to an
extent it's one the reader is supposed to ask. The guy is clearly a little
surprised when she agrees to go home with him. At that point she supposedly
doesn't know he has a Jag (or even that they're going to "play" for it, so that
can't be it. I intend for the reader to have a reaction something like
yours--it's supposed to be a small point of tension. (Why is she going out
with him? What's going on?) But it's not supposed to strain the credibility so
much that the reader stops reading.
Selena:
> I would really like to see more of Carol in between nasty-aloof
and drunk-seductive. From what we see of her, it's hard to decide why
the narrator wants her, besides her physical attributes: she smirks,
she insults him (Daddy's Jag, bad chess), she's bored with the Whole
Thing. You *tell* us that the two of them talk about the past, have a
good time talking, but you don't show us. Show us. Otherwise the
"forever" at the end jars pretty seriously.<
I think the reasons he wants her have to do with not just the physical; she
beat him twenty-three times in high school. He wasn't brave enough to talk to
her. Does he want her forever? That's her line. It's supposed to jolt a
little, but not jar. I imagine people say some strange things in those
moments. Earlier I did try to show some of their chat. Not enough?
2) Why on earth does Carol get in the back of the car? This seems
unnatural to me. If she does it, you might mention that it's not what
ordinary people do when two adults are riding in the car together; the
narrator would surely feel she was trying to put him at a
disadvantage, maintain her aloofness, something.
Right, strange behavior. On her part and his. What do you make of it? And then
suddenly at his apartment things are more normal.
mat twassel
or
Le Chat a une Belle Queue
==================================================
"That's check and mate," Carol said. She smiled. The man
she'd beaten shook his head. Carol got up and walked to
the counter of the bar. I followed.
She sat on one of the stools. "Nice game," I said. She
swiveled a quarter turn in my direction. Creamy breasts
in the cut of her gown. Nipples nearly in view.
"Max," she said. "Max Marteau. I thought that was you.
Thinking of taking up serious chess?" A smile flickered
across her face--the same kind of smile she'd given that
man across the chessboard.
"Just checking things out," I said. "Can I buy you a
drink?"
"The wine's not very good here," Carol answered without
so much as a glance at me. "Much the same as the chess.
Maybe I have to find a new club."
"You never know," I told her.
"That's the trouble, I do." She'd set her little pouch of
a handbag on the bar, and now she was stroking it with
her fingertip. "It's so boring."
Typical talk from the pretty Carol Ann Chase. Okay, more
than pretty--beautiful. Long lean figure. Flowing black
hair. Dark expressive eyes. So proud. So confident. So
out of my league. That didn't stop me from wanting her.
"Maybe one day," I mused.
"One day what?" Something of a challenge in her voice.
"Maybe one day you'll lose."
Carol gave me a look of disbelief. She'd recently won a
tournament of the top players in the city. Next stop, the
nationals.
"I've got some good wine at home," I said. "Some good
Beatles' tunes, too. "What do you say?" I knew from an
article in our high school newspaper that the Beatles
were her favorites, at least in those days. She was aloof
then, too, never giving me a second look. Okay, I'd never
dared to ask her out.
"All right," she said.
"All right? Really?"
"Hold this." She gave me her little purse, smoothed her
satiny slip of a dress, and strode toward the door. I
followed.
I was still holding her bag when we reached my car.
"Thanks," she said, taking the purse. "Nice wheels." She
slid into the back of my silver Jag.
"Um," I said.
"Well, what are you waiting for?"
I hesitated a moment, then slipped behind the wheel and
headed for my apartment.
I didn't live far away. As I drove I tried to think
about the chess moves "Meow," my ICQ friend from Russia,
had given me. A chess expert, Meow had done a detailed
analysis of Carol's strategies and the best ways to
counter them. As I turned onto my street I ventured a
glance into the rear-view mirror. Carol wore an impassive
grin.
At home I put on Revolver and opened the wine. "Nice
pop," Carol said. She picked up the cork. "Mise en
bouteilles dans nos chais," she read.
"French, right?" I said. "What's it say--"one size fits
all"?"
Carol laughed. "You took French--you should know. I
remember you from Miss Parks' class."
"You do?"
"Sure, it was barely ten years ago. Anyway, I remember
everything. You sat behind me junior year. One time you
came into class with a wet spot."
"I did not."
"You did. It was cute. Probably you weren't good opening
the wine back then." She held out her glass. "Pour me a
lot. I'm thirsty."
We sat on the couch and drank wine and talked about high
school. The teachers we liked and hated. The kids we knew
and what happened to them. The music we liked then. The
music we liked now. "No one will ever be as good as the
Beatles," Carol said. "Do you have the White Album? Can
you open another bottle?"
"Back in the USSR" came on. I poured the wine. Carol and
I sat closer. "Yummy wine," she said.
"You probably thought I was a nerd back in high school."
"You were a nerd. But a cute nerd. Like a little puppy."
I risked putting my arm on the sofa behind her.
"Not much of a chess player, though," Carol added.
"Maybe I've improved," I said. I let my hand touch her
shoulder.
"Maybe," Carol said. "But doubtful. Back then we played
twenty times and you never came close to a draw. You just
couldn't see far enough ahead."
"Twenty three times," I said. "But I have improved."
She smirked.
I stood up and strolled over to the chess table in the
corner. The pieces were all set up. "There's one way to
find out."
"Just when we were getting comfy," Carol said. "Men."
"Bring the wine if you want." I raised my glass.
It was a low table. I was sitting cross-legged--something
Carol couldn't do comfortably in her tight dress. "I see
you have white," she said, settling herself with her legs
folded to the side. She didn't look especially
comfortable that way either.
"Would you rather be white?" I offered. "We could
switch."
"Naw, it's your home. You get home court advantage. How
much should I spot you? A bishop?"
"No way," I said. "I'll play you even."
"Even, humpf. There's no way that will be fun. It'll be a
massacre."
"You want to bet?"
"Bet? What kind of bet?"
"Just something to make it interesting. Say, I win, you
agree to spend the night with me."
"Humpf," Carol snorted.
"You afraid?"
"Hardly."
"Okay then."
"Yeah, but what do I get when I win?" Carol asked.
"What do you want? How about if you win I agree to spend
the night with you?"
"Ha ha, very funny."
"Just a thought," I said.
"Here's a thought. How about the Jaguar?"
"The Jaguar? My Jaguar?"
"Don't tell me it's your daddy's."
"It's mine."
"So what do you say? Am I worth risking your Jag?"
Trying not to tremble, I moved the pawn.
"Last chance to take the bishop," Carol said.
"Play," I said.
Carol's queen bishop pawn hopped out. The first six moves
were straight out of the book--the Karo-Kann Defense,
just what Meow had predicted. We exchanged pawns at three
and at seven. On eight she took my knight, allowing me
her bishop.
"You really didn't want that bishop," I said.
"Even when I was little there was something about them,"
Carol said.
"What?"
"I don't know. Maybe they look a bit too much like little
boys' weewees." She smiled at me and pointedly dropped
her gaze to my groin. "Mm, no wet spot yet," she said.
She advanced her pawn towards my king.
At move eleven her knight took my bishop. "I thought you
didn't like them," I said.
"They have their uses," she answered.
Two moves later we traded knights. My pawn structure
looked bad. My queen was threatened. But the game was
going just the way Meow and I had discussed. Carol was
clearly bothered by the position.
"Uncomfortable?" I asked.
"No," she insisted. "Except how come your chess table is
so damn low? It's really hard to sit like this."
"You can take off your dress," I said. "I wouldn't mind."
"I'm sure you wouldn't," Carol said. "You probably know
I'm not wearing anything under."
"Really?"
"Come on, don't act innocent--I've seen you peeking."
"Right," I said. "It probably would be pretty distracting
to see you naked. Might affect my game. Maybe you should
stay dressed."
"Or you could take off your clothes. Make it even."
"Fair is fair," I said, and I shed my shirt and trousers.
"What about the briefs?" Carol said. "As long as they're
still so clean and dry. Or are they hopelessly snagged on
something?"
"Not hopelessly." I removed my underwear.
"Mm," Carol said. "Nice bishop."
"Thanks. Now you."
"I don't know," Carol said. "Maybe I've changed my mind."
"Suit yourself. It's all the same to me."
"Sure." Carol grinned. "But your bishop might be mad. I
like that little dance he's doing. How much bigger can he
get before he explodes."
I didn't answer. Carol stood up and her dress slipped to
the floor. I looked at the silky puddle. I looked up
Carol's long slim legs. Her pudgy little wedge of jet
black pussy fur stopped my eyes. So sleek and smooth. So
soft. Carol bent low over the board. Her breasts swayed.
Her areolas were fat and caramel colored, her nipples
pebbled and poking the air only inches from my eyes. She
pushed her queen up a rank so it stood at her king's
side. "Your move, hotshot," she whispered. She stood
there looking down at the board, looking at me, her hands
on her hips, waiting.
I pushed the queenside rook in a square. An innocent
looking move, but devastating down the road, or so Meow
had assured me. Carol studied the board for a long time.
I studied Carol. Slowly she lowered herself to her knees.
A long minute later she reached for her rook. Her wrist
quivered. Such a nice thin wrist. Such slender arms. Such
long lovely fingers. She picked up the rook. She put it
down right where I knew she would. Perfect. She was mine
now, and in a few more moves she'd know it. Maybe she
knew it already.
I moved my bishop. Now we'd trade queens. Then rooks. The
big move was coming up.
"Pretty clever," she said, and she sank back so she was
sitting Indian style. "Maybe I've underestimated you."
"Should I put on Abbey Road?" I asked.
"Please."
When I came back Carol had my captured bishop in her
hand. As she studied the board she rubbed the head of the
piece lightly alongside her left nipple.
"Lucky bishop," I said.
"Oh," Carol said. "You startled me."
"Sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to disturb your
concentration. Just go on doing what you were doing."
"Right." She set the bishop at the side of the board.
Then she picked it up again. "It does have a nice weight
to it. God, it must be a pound. And a nice feel. Marble?
Alabaster?"
"Ivory," I said. "The blacks are ebony."
"Nice." She touched the tip of the bishop to the moist
line between her lips. Mimicked a peck of a kiss. "Now
you be good," she said to the bishop. Then she lowered
him back to her breasts, to each nipple tip. "Pretty
playful for clergy, don't you think?"
"Uh-huh," I agreed.
The bishop circled Carol's left nipple. "Pretty naughty,
too. I wonder how naughty he'll get." The bishop moved to
the other nipple. Around and around he went. The nipple
fattened. "Do you think he'll be satisfied with tits?"
Carol asked. "Or do you think he wants more?"
I gulped. "More." Air swallowed the sound.
The bishop slid down. Nosed Carol's belly button. "Seems
like he wants in," Carol said. The bishop nosed and
nibbled, nibbled and nosed. "Poor bishop, that's not the
way." She held the bishop up. "Do you want to know the
way?" she asked the bishop. Gripping the ivory figure at
the base with thumb and forefinger, she twirled him
slowly side to side. "He does," she said to me. "He wants
to know the way. Can you tell him?"
"Um," I said.
"Ah! Um," Carol said. "Um's the way," she said to the
bishop.
"No," I said. "Not 'um.' Lower."
"Lower than um," Carol said. "Hm, what could be lower
than um. Vum?"
All I could do was snort.
"Not vum? Lower than that? How about xum." It sounded
like she was clearing her throat while saying 'come.'
"Okay," Carol said. "Xum it is. Let's try xum." The
bishop made his way down Carol's belly. Slowly across the
smooth skin, up the small hill, onto the shiny black
pelt.
"Quite a tangle," Carol said. "Is he making progress? Is
he going the right way? Is this the way to xum?"
I nodded.
"Psst, Bishop," Carol said. "He says you're on the right
track. What a thick little forest, though, so dark and
tight and tangly. Maybe you should be dropping
breadcrumbs." The bishop inched his way ever-so-slowly
through the hair, down to the wispy point of it. "Oh,"
Carol said, leaning back. "Oh--looks like light at the
end of the tunnel, so to speak. See, the bishop has found
his way through the forest and into the ..."
I watched the bishop nuzzle Carol's clit. "Tree," Carol
concluded. "Or some kind of impediment. This little lump
seems to be blocking him. Do you know what it is?" The
bishop moved the lump left and right. Circled, poked,
prodded. "Not so little," Carol said. "It feels like it's
growing. It feels big as a banyan. And sort of slippery.
Yes, slippery, and getting slipperier. It feels like ...
mm, yes, it feels like ... yum. Success!" The bishop,
twisting side to side, pushed between Carol's sex lips
until he was completely ensconced. Carol nudged him in a
little more, and now only the base was showing, and now
not even that. "Oh, my," Carol said, "What a yummy bishop
you have. But now I'd better figure out my move." With
the bishop completely inside her, Carol put her chin in
her hands, but instead of studying the board, she studied
me.
"Would you consider accepting a draw?" she said at last.
"The game could still go either way. Who knows, you might
get too greedy. You might blow it."
"I was really hoping for a mate," I said.
"Me, too," Carol said, standing up, coming over to me.
"So if I agree to the draw, what happens with the bet?"
Instead of answering, she reached between her legs. The
ivory chess piece, shiny with her slickness, popped into
her palm. "I believe this belongs to you," she said. She
touched it to the side of my nose then used it to knock
over my king. "I get the Jag, and you get me. How about
it?"
"For tonight?" I asked.
"For ever," she said. "For ever and ever. Now lie back
and fuck that big fat bishop of yours into my wet spot."
She pushed me back. She straddled me. She sank down. I
went in.
"Oh, my, he is big. Big and yummy." Her silky cunt
clenched.
"Taille unique," I whispered. "Ajustements tout d'une
taille."
"Mm," she purred. "Meow."
END
Starhawk
Weird?
Sure.
But the premise isn't all that strange. We all may be characters in the books
of other universes (background and/or offstage characters, for the most part,
unless your life is *really* interesting). It could be that the books that
describe our universe are recording a history of a wholly different part of
it, unconnected with us in any way.
Heck, an anime (THE MYSTERIOUS PLAY) I'm running for my city's club has the
main character going into a book and interacting with the book's characters
(she winds up falling in love with one of them). Near the end of the series
some of the book's characters come to her world and dealing with the
realization that they are from a book.
It also doesn't do to obsess about it either, since unless we find some way of
traversing to another universe, we'll never be able to prove or disprove it.
(Although, at times, it seems as if my life is written by a gag writer...)
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
held forth, saying:
Well, there was Zeb's relative (who was killed 'offstage') and of
course there was "Dr. N. O. Brain" -- and I seem to recall mention of
a Finnish mathematician Jake considered a peer.
I dunno if 'Number' is his weirdest; my nomination for that would go
to 'Job' -- but 'Number' certainly seems to be the one which elicits
the strongest reactions. I love it--but many, including a lot of
RAH's fans, really dislike the Hell out of it. (I can NOT read the
passage where Zeb learns Deety's real name without audibly chuckling)
spd3432
>Sean:
>
>I'm glad you liked the humor--Um, Vum, Xum. I'm glad you went back for that
>second reading. Would you have done that had it not been a Fishtank story?
>What was your reaction after the first reading? I don't mind if the reader
>doesn't "get" the ending immediately, but I'm not sure I'd want him to have to
>read the story a second time in order to understand it at all. Ideally the
>story would be attractive on the first reading. How could I accomplish that
>without at the same time weakening the impact?
Mat,
I hesitated originally to post the reason for my second
reading. I didn't want to lead anyone to jump to the same conclusion
that I had. Her final statement of "meow" triggered a fresh memory.
I re-read it and matched "meow" with the name of his ICQ chess mentor.
At that point, I concluded that Carol was Meow. The bits of dialog "I
must have beat you twenty times in high school" "Actually it was
twenty-three" indicated to me that there was some sort of mutual
attraction ten years prior. I played chess in high school. I was 6th
board in our chess club and played in tournaments both within our
school and against other schools in the district. There is no way
that I would have remembered how many times I played an individual
opponent two years after I graduated, let alone ten years.
I had translated the subtitle and applied it to Carol with my
poor French skills. I know that the romance languages don't have
gender neutral nouns so when I saw "Le Chat" I assumed "The Cat" and
didn't think that there could possibly be a female form.
I would have read it a second time even if it had not been a
Fishtank story. I may be unique in that aspect. One of my favorite
mainstream authors is W.E.B. Griffin. I have all nine books in "The
Corps" series. Each time he has published a new book, I have gone
back and re-read the entire series from the beginning in order to
re-acquaint myself with the characters. Another is Piers Anthony.
Over a decade ago, he wrote three books in "The Mode" series. He
never wrote / published the conclusion to that series. The hardback
volumn came out last year and the paperback last month. It took trips
to three different used bookstores to obtain the first three so that I
could read the finale. As the saying goes "You can't tell the players
without a scorecard." Someday I hope Morgan will publish the final
chapter of Kathy Carlson. When he does, I'll re-read the story from
the beginning first so as to not miss any obscure references. Perhaps
the better question to ask is not if I'd have re-read it but how many
others read it a second time.
Sean
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
held forth, saying:
> Chelsea Pensioners
??????????
Nick
>Nick:
>
>I'm glad you liked the premise and the pace. The premise, or at least the
>set-up, belongs to Sean. I liked it, too. Do you recall a story in which you
>didn't at first like the premise but later changed your mind?
>
Of course there is also that famous scene in 'The Thomas Crown Affair'
(plus many otherws I'm sure). As for the second question, yes of
course. A good writer can take an unlikely sounding premise and carry
the reader along. I suppose 'Captain Correlli's Mandolin' is an
example of a novel I'd never have read if a friend hadn't raved about
it. There are probably better examples, but i can't think of them at
this time of night.
>I'm sorry about the lack of subtlety. My intention on the give and take of the
>seduction was that she should be perceived (though not necessarily accurately)
>as active or overt seductress only when Carol's dominance at the chess table
>begins to ebb.
I hadn't particularly noticed that her dominance had faded, though
that was certainly the narrators intontion. In fact she 'cheated by
sucking off the bish when things looked as if they might go bad for
her.
> But clearly Carol and the guy do at least get along as soon as
>the music comes on and the wine begins to flow. Maybe that's a flaw. That she
>puts on makeup in the car is a curious mask. In fact she's probably only
>touching up her lipstick, but our narrator is as clueless as I am about the
>difference. I agree that Carol's character is a curious mix. I think the
>backseat stuff and the makeup is sort of a game, a bit of one-upmanship.
>Perhaps she is testing him. If a girl you desired got into the backseat, what
>would you do? What would you want to do?
>
Probably drive for a bit, then stop at a secluded spot and climb over!
Sod the chess! ;-)
My feeling, and it is only my feeling, is that this might have
benefitted with a whole lot of writing that plays with her character,
but which never appears in the final text (like Hemingways Iceberg
principle). Genius chess players are generally complex unstable
characters, and I felt that you could have played with that concept to
make a story with a lot more depth - then that would have been my
story, not yours. Hey! Perhaps I could do with your story what you did
with Seans!
Having said all that, I'm not quite sure how I would approach it
myself. Preplanning on a story is not one of my strong points and what
would result is probably a mishmash of incomprehensible nonsense.
There are techniques, I know, but I haven't yet found one that suits
me.
Nick
Nick
>On Sat, 06 Apr 2002 14:42:11 GMT, nick_ca...@yahoo.co.uk (Nick)
>held forth, saying:
>
>> Chelsea Pensioners
>??????????
>
Oh dear. I thought I knew the answer to this one, but I'm actually not
quite sure. The Chelsea Pensioners (I beieve) are a group of war
veterans (I think primarily WW1, but maybe WW2 as well, since there
aren't many WW1 pensioners left). Either way (again, so I believe)
they have strong associations with the Queen Mother. Perhaps Oosh
could help me out here (as prospective Queen Mother, she's bound to
know!)
Nick
oosh
@supernews.surfanytime.co.uk:
"Vacancy" means "emptiness". It's difficult to see how it could "arise".
Would it sound so very odd if I were to say "a vacancy opened up..."?
O.
oosh
@supernews.surfanytime.co.uk:
> I wonder what the Chelsea Pensioners would make of having a lesbian
> Queen other.
That should, of course, be "Queen Other". Well, far be it from me to step
into the breach.
O.
oosh
@supernews.surfanytime.co.uk:
> On Sat, 06 Apr 2002 12:35:55 -0800, den...@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net wrote:
>
>>On Sat, 06 Apr 2002 14:42:11 GMT, nick_ca...@yahoo.co.uk (Nick)
>>held forth, saying:
>>
>>> Chelsea Pensioners ??????????
>>
> Oh dear.
The Chelsea Pensioners are indeed war veterans. They live in a lovely big
house near the Thames in Chelsea. Chelsea has nothing to do with Clinton:
it's a quiet little village in the London area where, incidentally, Mozart
spent a pleasant year aged about 7-8. It's still quite quiet and pleasant
there, beside the river, between about four and five in the morning, and at
other times if you're stone deaf and can't hear the roaring traffic. The
pensioners wear splendid scarlet capes and black hats, and we're immensely
proud of them. They tap-tap around the grounds with their walking-sticks
and zimmer frames. The Queen Mother used to pop in occasionally, pat them
on the back and generally kick them around a bit. Keeps the old circulation
going, you know.
O.
oosh
news:20020406135554...@mb-fg.aol.com:
> ...however, the main purpose of the subtitle was a
> quasi-translation of "Checkmate," and I think it embodies and suggests
> (upon reflection) just the sort of confusion which may be appropriate.
> Or maybe it is just too confusing. What do you think?
Well, I confess that I'm floundering! I couldn't see the connexion with
"checkmate". I appreciated the structural function of the other French
quotations, but I couldn't see the relevance of this. "Checkmate" in French
is (so far as I know) "échec et mat".
O.
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
forth, saying:
>nick_ca...@yahoo.co.uk (Nick) wrote in news:3cb0093f.1496497
While I see the *grammatical* point, how is Nick's usage a *male*
perspective????
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
forth, saying:
>nick_ca...@yahoo.co.uk (Nick) wrote in news:3caf0857.1265086
Better into the breach than into the breech...
Jacques LeBlanc
> Heck, an anime (THE MYSTERIOUS PLAY) I'm running for my city's club has the
> main character going into a book and interacting with the book's characters
> (she winds up falling in love with one of them). Near the end of the series
> some of the book's characters come to her world and dealing with the
> realization that they are from a book.
"Fushigi Yuugi." I loved that series. It's hard to get into at the
beginning, and all the super-deformed scenes are a tad irritating, but
once it gets going, wow! I got into the characters to the extent that
I cried like a baby when Nuriko bought it. It also has the second
best ending of any of the ten or so full-length anime series I've
watched, after "The Irresponsible Captain Tylor." The only thing that
would have made it better would be getting to actually see Miyaka and
Tamahome get it on, hentai-style.... ;-)
> It also doesn't do to obsess about it either, since unless we find some way of
> traversing to another universe, we'll never be able to prove or disprove it.
> (Although, at times, it seems as if my life is written by a gag writer...)
I think we all feel that way, once in a while....
Later,
Jacques
P.S. Is your 'nym by any chance a reference to Robert Anton Wilson's
"Schrodinger's Cat Trilogy?" Starhawk was the coolest character in
those books....
Jacques LeBlanc
> Well, there was Zeb's relative (who was killed 'offstage') and of
> course there was "Dr. N. O. Brain" -- and I seem to recall mention of
> a Finnish mathematician Jake considered a peer.
>
> I dunno if 'Number' is his weirdest; my nomination for that would go
> to 'Job'
Point. I was forgetting that one. I do consider "Number," on
balance, to be weirder than "I Will Fear No Evil," "The Cat Who Walks
Through Walls," and "To Sail Beyond the Sunset," however. It's the
epilogue that really clinches it.
> -- but 'Number' certainly seems to be the one which elicits
> the strongest reactions. I love it--but many, including a lot of
> RAH's fans, really dislike the Hell out of it.
I've noticed that. Most of the fans who don't like "Number" also hate
"Job," "Evil," "Cat," and "Sunset" as well. I recall someone
referring to "the virulent brain fever to which Robert A. Heinlein
succumbed in his later years. I did enjoy all those books, but my
favorites of his are "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" and "Friday."
> (I can NOT read the passage where Zeb learns Deety's real name without audibly
> chuckling)
I'd never read the Barsoom novels, so that didn't have as much of an
effect on me.
Later,
Jacques
Valen Thyan
news:jp5vau4mdouecht7c...@4ax.com...
I am also curious, but I'd like to hazard an outlandish hypothesis.
Because of the male obession with "arising" (as in erection), the comment is
male?
I hope I'm wrong. :)
Valen
valen...@hotmail.com
http://www.asstr.org/~valen/
Desdmona
"mat twassel" <mmtw...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20020406135842...@mb-fg.aol.com...
> Checkmate
>
> or
>
> Le Chat a une Belle Queue
>
> ==================================================
Mat~
Please forgive me for not commenting on the previous version. The silly
thing is, I thought I had. That's what I get for reading a story early and
formulating my thoughts. Anyway, I'll comment on this revision instead.
I like what you've done to the beginning. It's smarter and more convincing.
I have a stronger feeling about Carol. Mostly that she recognized Max. I
felt it before, but even more so now. I'm convinced that any woman that
remembers specific details about a guy in High School, isn't just seeing him
for the first time.
You asked the question about the French. Let me say that I took Latin in
High School (Ugh!) but not knowing the specific translation of the French
didn't get in my way at all. I recognized a couple of words to get the gist.
It was a nice touch without being too pretentious to turn me off. And that
reminds me, I felt the same way about the Chess. I don't play chess, well,
I've played it, maybe, three times in my life, so the importance of the
moves would have been lost on me if not written in the correct way. You did
it superbly. I understood.
The only thing that niggled at me is the teasing that Carol does with the
bishop. It's erotic, and playful, and does a great job of showing her
confidence. So I'm not quite sure why I felt it went on just a sentence too
long. Something about the silliness of it maybe? Or it could just be that
it's not something I would do personally, and maybe I wish I could. Or it
could be that the longer it goes on, the more child-like her voice seems to
be. Anyway, I suspect that this is more of a personal niggle with me rather
than something that needs to be changed in the story.
Anyway, this is just such a sexy story! And having read the story that
motivated it, I can honestly say, you've written a completely different
story. The characters and their motivations are your own.
Des
Jeff Zephyr
Yes, please explain it. Checkmate most accurately translates as
"The King is Dead" more or less :-) -- the move which wins the game is
an attack on the King (Check ~ Sheik).
On the other hand, maybe you meant a translation of the situation in
the story? Still, it seems vague to me.
--
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/
For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
Starhawk
Dr. N. O. Brain was an enemy agent, placed to discredit that line of research.
Starhawk
> Starhawk <star...@chattanoogaKillSPAM.net> wrote:
>
> > Heck, an anime (THE MYSTERIOUS PLAY) I'm running for my city's club has the
> > main character going into a book and interacting with the book's characters
> > (she winds up falling in love with one of them). Near the end of the series
> > some of the book's characters come to her world and dealing with the
> > realization that they are from a book.
>
> "Fushigi Yuugi." I loved that series. It's hard to get into at the
> beginning, and all the super-deformed scenes are a tad irritating, but
> once it gets going, wow! I got into the characters to the extent that
> I cried like a baby when Nuriko bought it. It also has the second
> best ending of any of the ten or so full-length anime series I've
> watched, after "The Irresponsible Captain Tylor." The only thing that
> would have made it better would be getting to actually see Miyaka and
> Tamahome get it on, hentai-style.... ;-)
Now that would be a sight, wouldn't it? ;-) And I'm starting "Tylor" for the club
in a couple of weeks.
> > It also doesn't do to obsess about it either, since unless we find some way of
> > traversing to another universe, we'll never be able to prove or disprove it.
> > (Although, at times, it seems as if my life is written by a gag writer...)
>
> I think we all feel that way, once in a while....
> Later,
> Jacques
>
> P.S. Is your 'nym by any chance a reference to Robert Anton Wilson's
> "Schrodinger's Cat Trilogy?" Starhawk was the coolest character in
> those books....
Actually, it's from my CB handle, which I picked from the comics.... predating
Wilson's books.
Nick
Oh, I think I see.
Of course, given the historical dominance of male culture over the
Monarchy, the role of a Queen, in many respects, takes on a slightly
androgynous role anyway, so my comment would seem particularly
appropriate (except, of course, we are talking about the Queen Mother,
not the Queen).
I'll have to have a word with HR about how they word their recruitment
adverts in future. :-)
Nick
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
<star...@chattanoogaKillSPAM.net> held forth, saying:
>> Well, there was Zeb's relative (who was killed 'offstage') and of
>> course there was "Dr. N. O. Brain" -- and I seem to recall mention of
>> a Finnish mathematician Jake considered a peer.
<the vorpal blade went snicker-snack!>
>Dr. N. O. Brain was an enemy agent, placed to discredit that line of researc
(spoiler space below for those who haven't read _The Number of the
Beast_)
s
p
o
i
l
e
r
s
p
a
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i
s
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e
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e
Well, yes--in fact, 'NO Brain' was a 'Black Hat' alien, surgically
modified to live among humans. But (in respect of the 'mathematics'
issue) he was quite capable of understanding Jake Burrough's math;
after all, his species was already using it to travel among the
multiverses.
den...@tanstaafl.zipcon.net
held forth, saying:
>On Sun, 07 Apr 2002 00:48:24 GMT, oosh <oo...@gmx.NOSPAM.net> wrote:
>
>>mmtw...@aol.com (mat twassel) wrote in
>>news:20020406135554...@mb-fg.aol.com:
>>
>>> ...however, the main purpose of the subtitle was a
>>> quasi-translation of "Checkmate," and I think it embodies and suggests
>>> (upon reflection) just the sort of confusion which may be appropriate.
>>> Or maybe it is just too confusing. What do you think?
>>
>>Well, I confess that I'm floundering! I couldn't see the connexion with
>>"checkmate". I appreciated the structural function of the other French
>>quotations, but I couldn't see the relevance of this. "Checkmate" in French
>>is (so far as I know) "échec et mat".
>
> Yes, please explain it. Checkmate most accurately translates as
>"The King is Dead" more or less :-) -- the move which wins the game is
>an attack on the King (Check ~ Sheik).
shah mat 'the king is dead'
Conjugate
news:3cb08683...@supernews.surfanytime.co.uk...
Just to hazard a guess: One of the late Queen Mother's best-known public
utterances came after Buckingham palace was bombed in WWII. She'd gone to
the south part of London and viewed the terrible damage there several times,
and expressed condolences. After the palace took damage, she said something
like, "Well, thank goodness; it makes one feel one can look the South End in
the face again." I understand that remark endeared her enormously to many
of the people who suffered worse than she. So I thought Oosh's remark might
have been a (particularly oblique) reference to that.
Conjugate
Conjugate
news:3cb06d8a$0$18505$272e...@news.execpc.com...
> On Sun, 07 Apr 2002 00:48:24 GMT, oosh <oo...@gmx.NOSPAM.net> wrote:
>
> >mmtw...@aol.com (mat twassel) wrote in
> >news:20020406135554...@mb-fg.aol.com:
> >
> >> ...however, the main purpose of the subtitle was a
> >> quasi-translation of "Checkmate," and I think it embodies and suggests
> >> (upon reflection) just the sort of confusion which may be appropriate.
> >> Or maybe it is just too confusing. What do you think?
> >
> >Well, I confess that I'm floundering! I couldn't see the connexion with
> >"checkmate". I appreciated the structural function of the other French
> >quotations, but I couldn't see the relevance of this. "Checkmate" in
French
> >is (so far as I know) "échec et mat".
>
> Yes, please explain it. Checkmate most accurately translates as
> "The King is Dead" more or less :-) -- the move which wins the game is
> an attack on the King (Check ~ Sheik).
Why, Shah, it is. Shah-Mat was what I was taught the origin of the phrase
was.
Conjugate
Jacques LeBlanc
> Now that would be a sight, wouldn't it? ;-)
Indeed; Miyaka's a cutie, and Tamahome has been fairly described by a
friend of mine (who worked at the store where I used to rent anime
back in Maryland) as "the bishonenest of all bishonen." (A note for
those who are only somewhat familiar with anime: it's a common
misconception that all "hentai," or anime pornography, involves
violent, ultrahardcore rape and supernatural beings with multiple,
prehensile, and/or gigantic sex organs. While such fantasies are
common, there's also a sub-genre of teen romance hentai, exemplified
by shows such as "End of Summer," and "First Loves;" imagine animated
Frank Downey stories and you'll have a pretty clear idea what they're
like.)
> And I'm starting "Tylor" for the club in a couple of weeks.
Have you seen it before yourself? If not, I envy you, as the distinct
pleasure of watching that series for the first time is now in my past.
> Actually, it's from my CB handle, which I picked from the comics.... predating
> Wilson's books.
Ah. I take it you have read the books, though?
Later,
Jacques
lisala
<conj...@butter.toast.net> wrote:
> Why, Shah, it is. Shah-Mat was what I was taught the origin of the phrase
> was.
Yes, it is shah mat, shah meaning "king."
It is, quite literally, "king died" from Old French, from Persian by
way of Arabic.
Uther Pendragon
fade...@hotmail.com (Jacques LeBlanc) wrote:
> I've noticed that. Most of the fans who don't like "Number" also
> hate "Job," "Evil," "Cat," and "Sunset" as well. I recall
> someone referring to "the virulent brain fever to which Robert A.
> Heinlein succumbed in his later years. I did enjoy all those
> books, but my favorites of his are "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress"
> and "Friday."
RAH went through several periods. Liking one of them is no
guarantee that you'll like the preceding or the succeeding
period.
My favorites are from the middle period, mostly the juveniles.
- = -
If you want somebody who REALLY has different fan clubs, try the
German theologian, Dietrich Bonhoeffer.
Bonhoeffer produced some major theological works. He was in the
midst of producing his last, _Ethics_, when he was arrested for
the plot to assassinate Hitler.
While in prison, he smuggled out some letters and odd pieces to
his friends. One of those friends put those together as a slim
volume called _Letters and Papers From Prison_.
One of the "death of God" types put together a list of books
which influenced that movement. It was a quile lengthy list,
including all of Tillich's _Systematic Theology_. (That ran to
three volumes, IIRC.) The only work of Bonhoeffer which he
included was _Letters and Papers From Prison_. (And the weird
thing was that the man called himself a Bonhoefferan.)
Most of what I've read from Bonhoeffer consists of the practical
books, _Life Together_ in particular.
--
Uther Pendragon FAQs http://www.nyx.net/~anon584c
anon...@nyx.net fiqshn http://www.asstr.org/~Uther_Pendragon
"Uther is perfectly correct." Hecate
lisala
<den...@TANSTAAFL.zipcon.net> wrote:
> While I see the *grammatical* point, how is Nick's usage a *male*
> perspective????
I believe Oosh (??) found it risible since it referred to arising,
that is "rising," suggesting a reference to the noble albeit masculine
involuntary gesture.
oosh
news:070420021900370253%lis...@noucenewsguy.com:
> In article <ub1lsjs...@corp.supernews.com>, Conjugate
> <conj...@butter.toast.net> wrote:
>
>> Why, Shah, it is. Shah-Mat was what I was taught the origin of the
>> phrase was.
>
> Yes, it is shah mat, shah meaning "king."
Which of course sounds like the French "chat"... We're gradually solving
the puzzle. Now what is the "belle queue"?
O.
Jacques LeBlanc
> Yes, it is shah mat, shah meaning "king."
> It is, quite literally, "king died" from Old French, from Persian by
> way of Arabic.
As anyone familiar with the recent history of Persia (lately calle
Iran) should know.
Later,
Jacques
Starhawk
> hi Starhawk!
>
> "Starhawk" <star...@chattanoogaKillSPAM.net> wrote in message
> news:3CB07A39...@chattanoogaKillSPAM.net...
> > Actually, it's from my CB handle, which I picked from the comics....
> > predating Wilson's books.
>
> we have a handle?
>
> -cb
>
> --
> celia batau's story site: http://www.myplanet.net/pinataheart/stories.htm.
>
> there goes my shirt, up over my head. oh my.
> there goes my skirt, dropping to my feet. oh my.
> some kind of touch, caressing my legs. oh my.
> i'm turning red. who could this be. oh my.
> -Tweet
I have a handle, and I handle myself very carefully, indeed! If you have a
handle, it is not my place to lay hands upon it without your consent.
Starhawk
> Starhawk <star...@chattanoogaKillSPAM.net> wrote:
>
> > Now that would be a sight, wouldn't it? ;-)
>
> Indeed; Miyaka's a cutie, and Tamahome has been fairly described by a
> friend of mine (who worked at the store where I used to rent anime
> back in Maryland) as "the bishonenest of all bishonen." (A note for
> those who are only somewhat familiar with anime: it's a common
> misconception that all "hentai," or anime pornography, involves
> violent, ultrahardcore rape and supernatural beings with multiple,
> prehensile, and/or gigantic sex organs. While such fantasies are
> common, there's also a sub-genre of teen romance hentai, exemplified
> by shows such as "End of Summer," and "First Loves;" imagine animated
> Frank Downey stories and you'll have a pretty clear idea what they're
> like.)
And that's not counting the humorous hentai...
> > And I'm starting "Tylor" for the club in a couple of weeks.
>
> Have you seen it before yourself? If not, I envy you, as the distinct
> pleasure of watching that series for the first time is now in my past.
Since they're my tapes, yes, I have; for anyone else: Tylor is the most zoned-out
captain the space navy ever had, but he's got the best luck in the universe. (Much
to the dismay of the enemy AND his superiors...)
> > Actually, it's from my CB handle, which I picked from the comics....
> > predating Wilson's books.
>
> Ah. I take it you have read the books, though?
Not those particular ones, will have to look them up.
Jeff Zephyr
<pinat...@bigplanet.com> wrote:
>hi Starhawk!
>
>"Starhawk" <star...@chattanoogaKillSPAM.net> wrote in message
>news:3CB07A39...@chattanoogaKillSPAM.net...
>> Actually, it's from my CB handle, which I picked from the comics....
>predating
>> Wilson's books.
>
>we have a handle?
Of course. Everyone does.
Especially when they talk on CB radio. Citizen's Band that is,
though I suppose celia could own a radio too.
Which is kind of like instant messaging chat, except that you can
talk out loud and it is hard to find people to talk to with all the
noise...
Er...
Hey, Starhawk, do people still just chat on CB, if they aren't truck
drivers or other travellers?
Starhawk
> On Sun, 7 Apr 2002 14:16:07 -0700, "celia batau"
> <pinat...@bigplanet.com> wrote:
>
> >hi Starhawk!
> >
> >"Starhawk" <star...@chattanoogaKillSPAM.net> wrote in message
> >news:3CB07A39...@chattanoogaKillSPAM.net...
> >> Actually, it's from my CB handle, which I picked from the comics....
> >> predating Wilson's books.
> >
> >we have a handle?
>
> Of course. Everyone does.
>
> Especially when they talk on CB radio. Citizen's Band that is,
> though I suppose celia could own a radio too.
>
> Which is kind of like instant messaging chat, except that you can
> talk out loud and it is hard to find people to talk to with all the
> noise...
>
> Er...
>
> Hey, Starhawk, do people still just chat on CB, if they aren't truck
> drivers or other travellers?
Not so much, they're all busy with their cell phones... :-)