Needed a.s.b. FAQ
Mike Morgan in Colorado Springs
Whoever has a copy please mail it to me. Thanx.
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Ammond sez' "Embrace the chaos because it's embracing you."
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"All metaphysical dreams are signposts pointing to desires that we
have not dared to portray in their true form, desires whose attainment
must necessarily upset existing social and political arrangements."
Oz Tech
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Young Rob Jellinghaus
> Whoever has a copy please mail it to me. Thanx.
I have a copy! Hell, I maintain it... but I must be falling down on the
job if people need to post asking for it. Sorry, folks....
The alt.sex.bondage FAQ List
Where the kinky knowledge resides!
Please send additions, corrections, enhancements to:
rob...@Autodesk.COM
I mean it, too. I'm an a.s.b regular but I don't know it all, so all
you luminaries, give me the benefit of your light!
This list will be posted periodically.
Books could be and are being written about these questions; remember,
this is a thumbnail FAQ. If you learn anything from this list,
hopefully it will be how many questions there are to ask, and how much
there is to learn! If you're concerned about issues that you feel are
breezed over here, by all means check out some of the references for
more complete answers. And if you want more information or ideas
about anything, well, what else is alt.sex.bondage for?
Questions answered in this list:
What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean?
What is a "scene"?
What is a "safeword"?
What's a good safeword if you are gagged?
When is pain not pain?
Why is bondage fun?
What should I know to play safely?
Is everyone either a top or a bottom?
How can I learn to be a good top?
How can I learn to be a good bottom?
What is body piercing?
Does nipple piercing cause problems with nursing?
What is cutting/burning/branding?
What is it about breath control?
What are "golden showers"?
What is "fisting"?
Why am I defending this lifestyle?
What is it about leather/latex?
Isn't the bottom always in control?
Can someone _really_ be someone else's slave?
What are the "codes"?
My fantasies scare me; what if I get too into SM?
I want to throw a play party; how do I go about it?
What are some books/magazines/organizations about SM?
Questions I want to answer here but haven't got time for now (any-
one out there wanna answer them and have me put your answers in,
with attribution?):
What is "ecstatic shamanism"?
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-- What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean?
The easy part first: B&D = "bondage & dominance" or "bondage &
discipline". S&M = "sadism & masochism". D&S = "dominance &
submission".
People who read a.s.b are generally interested in ways to have sex
that are outside the mainstream. One of the recurrent threads on
a.s.b is the question of "what to call ourselves", since there is no
one set of sexual practices we all enjoy or are interested in, yet
there is a lot in common among all the things we talk about.
Some people enjoy submitting to another person, placing themselves
under the power of another, in a sexual context. It can be a very hot
thing for someone to say to you, "I'm yours. Use my body for your
pleasure." This is D&S; one person is dominating, the other
submitting. Slave/master, harem girl/sultan, boy/daddy, student/
schoolmistress. D&S is an erotic power game, where both people are
getting off--one on the thrill of controlling, the other on the thrill
of being controlled. This is also where the terms "top" and "bottom"
come in; the top is, roughly, the dominant; the bottom is, roughly,
the submissive.
What do tops and bottoms do with each other? Well, one good
possibility is they have lots of hot sex. Another possibility is the
top ties the bottom up in some manner, which directly and physically
puts the bottom at the top's mercy, and then the top plays with the
bottom, teasing, seducing, frustrating, and hopefully finally
satisfying. This is a bondage & dominance sort of game. Some people
enjoy playing with punishment--"You've been bad and now I have to tie
you up and spank you!" That's bondage & discipline for you.
Then there's the sort of game described by S&M. Whips, canes, nipple
clamps, all the wonderful toys that are designed to cause, in greater
or lesser degree, pain. It can be a powerful thing to submit to
someone else who wants to hurt you; it's a fantastic gesture of trust.
And as will be discussed later, pain is not really pain anymore in an
S&M game; it becomes overwhelmingly intense stimulation, which when
administered by a skilled top can bring a bottom to entirely new
depths of ecstasy. Sometimes the D&S aspect becomes secondary to the
sensual trip; you don't have to enjoy obeying another's commands to
enjoy being tied up and whipped!
This sort of trip, merging pain and pleasure to create an amazingly
powerful experience for the bottom, is sometimes known as SM: Sex
Magick. The precise definitions of B&D, S&M, whatever, don't matter
so much as do the experiences they point towards. All these areas, as
you can see, overlap and intermingle in an amazing number of ways, but
for me they all meet in the single concept of Sex Magick: taking a
fantasy and turning it into reality, creating a magical space in which
everything is permitted and anything can happen!
-- What is a "scene"?
SM has definite connotations of theater. The fact that you are a
submissive while you're playing sexually does not mean you are a
pushover in real life, nor does your being a dominant while playing
mean that you are an overbearing egotist. These are roles that you
can play; you are in some sense an actor.
Hence the concept of a "scene". A scene is a particular interaction
between a group of players, usually revolving around a bottom. It's
not a formal concept, just a handy way to describe the action. "That
was the hottest whipping scene I've ever seen!" "The last scene
really pushed me, Master; I've never felt like that before." Usually
a scene has a momentum of its own: you (a top) will begin fucking/
whipping/sucking/whatever your bottom, you'll both be fantastically
into it, one or both of you comes/peaks/starts getting tired, and you
cool down and rest for a while and talk about what worked and what
didn't, about how the scene was for you.
The other connotation of "scene" applies to the whole B/D/S/M popu-
lation; sometimes someone will ask another SM player "Is X in the
scene?" or maybe "I've seen Y around the scene before."
-- What is a "safeword"?
One of the thrills of SM is that it can stretch your limitations. If
you enjoy this sort of play, you can naturally find yourself trying
more and more new things, accepting greater and greater levels of
sensation, doing and feeling more than you've ever done or felt before.
But the process is slow and gradual, and people are not telepathic.
It may be that you are the bottom in a whipping scene, and your top is
whipping you, and suddenly it doesn't feel good anymore!! and you want
them to STOP!!! That is what a safeword is: a word that means "This
isn't working! This scene is going wrong somehow! Please stop!"
A safeword needs to be taken seriously. Sometimes you may be playing
with a top you don't know that well, and if they do something to you
you don't want, it's important that you have a way to let them know,
IMMEDIATELY. Especially if you're tied up or otherwise made helpless.
Everyone has their own favorite safeword. I personally use "Yellow!"
to mean "Something's too intense; I need you to lighten up, but I
don't want to stop the scene," and I use "Red!" to mean "I'm in
trouble and I want everything to stop NOW, no more games, scene over,
let me outta here!" Some people just have one flavor of safeword, and
use "aardvark" or some other weird word they'd never say in the
context of a scene. At many parties, the universal safeword is
"Safeword!" It's up to you. All it is is a safety valve for when
things get out of control.
Using a safeword can be hard to do sometimes. It's important to
realize that no one is perfect, and if you as top do something that
squicks your bottom (i.e. pushes beyond your bottom's limits--
"squick" is a recent bit of a.s.b jargon), it doesn't mean you're a
bad lover or a bad person. It only means that you ran into a limit
you didn't know was there, or you were tired or disconnected and not
in tune with your bottom. It happens to everyone from time to time.
If you as bottom feel like the top is pushing you, and you don't want
to play anymore, it's not fun, that's when you want to use a safeword
--your top will be glad you used it to tell them where you were at.
A safeword is just a communication tool, nothing more, nothing less.
If you're playing intensely, it may feel hard to stop the scene, to
come back from the edge via a safeword... but if you need to, that's
what they're for.
-- What's a good safeword if you are gagged?
Sometimes a top will want to gag you, whether because you're being too
noisy or they want to increase your helplessness or you've been being
impertinent or whatever. You may still want a safeword to let the top
know when a rope is too tight or the nipple clamps are pinching or
whatever. Some people put a handkerchief in the bottom's hand; if
they let go and the handkerchief falls, they know there's something
up. I personally use the old SOS signal: three loud yells spaced
evenly; "Unh! Unh! Unh!" No gag I've ever seen can stop _all_ noise,
and that signal works even if my hands are in mittens or a strait-
jacket and unable to hold anything at all.
-- When is pain not pain?
Often people outside the scene don't see the appeal in any of the
things SM people do that look painful. What's enjoyable about being
hit? Where's the fun in getting bruised?
Well, think about this. Have you ever had intense sex and afterwards
noticed bite marks on your neck of which you had no memory? What
happened was your love partner bit you, HARD, hard enough that it
bruised you, and all you felt was another jolt of pleasure. If they
bit you that hard when you _weren't_ having sex, you would scream
"OUCH!!!" because it would hurt a lot! But when you are sexually
aroused, your pain tolerance goes way up, and stimulation that you
usually feel as pain is now actually pleasurable.
This is common knowledge. The usual explanation is that the brain
produces endorphins, natural opiates, to compensate for intense pain.
You actually get high off the sensation. The "runner's high" comes
from pushing the body painfully for so long that the endorphins kick
in; the rush you get after eating chili peppers comes from the same
source; and that's what makes it enjoyable for SM players to be
whipped or spanked or whatever. It's not pain, it's pleasure!
-- Why is bondage fun?
Lots of reasons. For many people, the knowledge that they are
helpless, that someone else can do things with their body and they
can't prevent them, is a powerful turn-on. "I'm going to make you
come and there's nothing you can do about it."
For others, the simple sensation of bondage is pleasurable. Tight
constriction can create very intense stimulation, and lots of tight
bondage can be a sensory trip, just as a whipping scene can be.
For yet others, it's a charge to struggle, to let your body lose con-
trol. It can really intensify an orgasm when you come with every
muscle straining against your bonds, trying to get your hands free to
smash your lover's face into your crotch, your body shaking. If you
weren't tied down you'd hurt yourself!
For me, it's all three of these reasons :-)
-- What should I know to play safely?
SM is play, and as such is fun! But SM can also get intense and
powerful. Here are some useful tips for people just getting started.
First of all, communicate. Let your partner know what you want and
don't want. Keep the dialogue going; watch your partner, be aware of
what she or he is feeling and thinking, and respect his or her limits.
Establish a safeword, and make it very clear that it will be taken
EXTREMELY seriously if used.
Be sensitive. SM play, which can involve helplessness, intense
sensation, and psychological domination, is strong stuff; it can reach
deeply into someone's soul and bring up childhood traumas or hidden
fears, without warning. Be aware that you are swimming in deep
waters, and be respectful, loving, and careful.
If you are the top, and you are tying your bottom up, keep your
attention on what you're doing. Your bottom is going to be blissing
out; it's up to you to see that they're comfortable and kept amused.
(The "amusement" can be as nasty as you please, but make sure that
they don't get _bored_; that's seldom fun.)
Make sure your bottom's extremities don't start getting cold or
turning blue; those are both sure signs that blood isn't flowing the
way it ought to, and that isn't what you want to have happen. If
your bottom's hands are bound inside mittens or some other place
that's not accessible to you, ask them to wiggle their fingers or
toes or whatever and see if they're losing any feeling. It can be
tricky to tie someone up without making it too tight; in general,
a good rule is to tie loosely with lots of turns of rope. You can
tighten such a tie with just another turn around all the rest, and
it can be a real drag to have a bottom's foot fall asleep in the
middle of a scene. If you're a novice, consider purchasing a pair of
basic ankle and wrist cuffs (in leather, velcro, or whatever) at an
adult toy store or horse tack shop; and if you get embarrassed,
remember the old standby excuse: "It's a gag wedding gift!"
Do not leave a bound person alone. Though it is a hot fantasy to
tie someone up in some precarious position (possibly with vibrators
or other devices buzzing away) and leave them to stew, in reality
you must consider: what if the house is burgled? catches on fire?
earthquake? any sort of emergency? Fun is fun, but a helpless
person is just that: helpless. A willing partner is too precious
to take risks with.
Be very careful about tying anything around the neck; anything that
puts any pressure AT ALL on the front of the neck can lead to uncon-
sciousness quickly, as the carotid arteries go right to the brain.
Likewise be careful with gags or things tied in the mouth; as well
as restricting breathing, they can trigger a gag reflex, which
could be really nasty if the bottom can't get the gag out. Also, be
aware that if someone is standing for any length of time in any sort
of tight bondage, it can lead to less circulation to their head; if
you suddenly do something intense to that person, it may trigger a
headrush which could even end in a faint. Always use hooks which can
be released instantly even with the bottom's full weight on them, and
keep a pair of bandage scissors handy in case they need to be cut
loose.
Be careful what you tie your bottom to; if an exposed water pipe is
handy, be aware it may heat up. If you _like_ heat, you may want to
try playing with candles; dripping candle wax on someone can be lots
of fun! But if you do, make sure the wax doesn't pool (which can
cause blisters), and don't use beeswax unless you're into scarifi-
cation.
Remember AIDS. Almost everything beyond closed-lips kissing and
bare-skin contact is potentially unsafe, unless some kind of latex
barrier is used. No unprotected contact between any combination of
fingers, genitals, mouth, and anus; use a latex dam for cunnilingus,
gloves for manual penetration, condoms on dildos and dicks. Use
water-based lubricants such as ForPlay, Astroglide, Wet, KY Jelly; if
the lube has nonoxynol-9 in it (which kills HIV) all the better (but
some are allergic to nono-9). OILS AND OIL-BASED LUBES DISSOLVE
LATEX. Blood, semen, female secretions, urine... all can carry HIV.
Play hard, but play safe. (One interesting thing about SM is that it
expands the range of safe ways for people to pleasure each other! But
it also expands the range of unsafe ways to play....) There are more
safety tips, but if you want the in-depth skinny check some of the
books at the end.
And there are some things that are commonly regarded as potentially
too dangerous to do unless you've been taught by someone who knows.
Suspension is one: there are lots of things that can go wrong, and
many of them can result in severe injury. Crucifixion is an
especially hazardous form of suspension. And body piercing is also
not for the novice; it takes know-how and precision, and a mistake
can result in a really big mess.
Fortunately, most SM activities, such as bondage and whipping, are not
nearly so severe; you can start out light and build up the intensity
as far as you both want to go. Pay attention to what you're doing and
use common sense and you'll have no problem. In general, start out
slow and PRACTICE! You will learn quickly and you'll have fun all
along the way, and soon you'll be places you'd only dreamt about!
-- Is everyone either a top or a bottom?
One perception that some people can have, looking into the scene from
outside, is that people are either tops or bottoms. Either you like
to dominate, or you like to be dominated. And sometimes novices
become confused, because they're excited by _both_ possibilities.
The facts are, everyone is different, and everyone has their own
preferences. I personally greatly enjoy topping my girlfriend, and
also greatly enjoy submitting to her. Some people _are_ tops in every
play situation, just as some are bottoms in every play situation--but
I know people who top men but bottom to women, people who sometimes
switch roles multiple times within one date, and every other spectrum
of possibility!
Whole scenes can revolve around the "who's on top?" question. Maybe
you can have a wrestling match, and the person who gets pinned first
will wind up being tied up. Maybe you can set a timer, and when the
timer dings, it's time to switch positions! There are as many possi-
bilities as your imagination can dream of!
Then again, maybe only one side of the balance holds any appeal for
you, and in that case, you'll want to play with folks who have little
desire for _your_ side... the variety of preferences is endless.
It is also the case that there is no necessary relation between
whether someone is dominant or submissive in everyday life and whether
they are a top or a bottom. Some of the most domineering executives
secretly love being abased and abused... it's a chance for them to
lose control, to give up responsibility. And some of the most quiet,
meek, shy-looking people you've ever seen turn into demonic geniuses
of pain and pleasure when given someone to play with. Endless
variety.
It's not at all unheard of for someone who's done only one thing (for
example, bottoming) to one day start feeling the urge to top, or vice
versa. People change, preferences change, it's nothing unusual.
This, though, leads into the next question....
-- How can I learn to be a good top?
When first getting into the scene, it can often be somewhat intimi-
dating to try playing with SM for the first time, especially if
neither of you have done it before. Here's this wonderful person, who
wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they're helpless,
wriggling with anticipation and lust... and now what do you do?
Play with them! There are all kinds of common objects that produce
intense and enjoyable sensations when applied to a helpless lover.
Combs for dragging across the skin, feathers for tickling a frantic
foot, clothespins (use a couple or use many in artistic rows--these
can be as intense as you want to make them!), ice cubes, chocolate
syrup, strawberries (ever see 9 1/2 Weeks?), leather belts for
slapping or spanking, hairbrushes for scuffing or beating, and of
course your own fingers, mouth, genitals, and everything else! Enjoy
taking your time with your willing victim; drive them to distraction,
then bring them to the edge of ecstasy, then back off and make them
beg for more!
Remember, you can set the mood as you wish. You can be playful,
amused at your own ineptitude even while your bottom is moaning with
desire. You can be stern and commanding, sympathetic but nasty, jolly
yet sadistic--anything you please. As long as you focus your atten-
tion on your bottom, your bottom will have a great time! Relax, go
with the flow, and if you stop enjoying it, call safeword--tops can
use safewords too!
Of course, there's no need to feel like you need to put all your
attention into pleasing your bottom; what's a good slave for if not
for pleasing their master? I've several times played with my
girlfriend and used her for my own selfish pleasure, giving little
attention to hers--and she loved it! But there is no doubt that with
pleasure it is as good to give as to receive. Just remember, commu-
nicate, be sensitive to what your bottom is feeling, and you'll have
no problem.
-- How can I learn to be a good bottom?
It can also be hard to learn to bottom, if what you're used to is
topping. Giving up control, surrendering, can be a difficult thing,
when you're used to holding the reins in your hands. If you find
yourself manipulating your top, trying to coerce them into giving you
what you want, then you're what is called a "pushy bottom"--a bottom
who is not really submitting, but just trying to turn the situation
around to the way they want it to go.
Some tops get off on bottoms who are defiant or subtly disobedient,
and use it as an excuse to punish; but for other tops, especially
inexperienced ones, it can be anything but fun. Making your top feel
like they don't know what they're doing is no fun for either of you; I
know, I've been there, as the pushy bottom. The solution? The next
time you play, tell yourself that you are the top's property, that
their will is yours, and that your deepest desire is to please them.
Before, if they did something you didn't like, you might have
suggested they try it another way; now, they are doing exactly what
they want to be doing, and you are grateful they're doing it. Let go
of your urges to be in control; surrender to them, and let them have
their way with you. I guarantee you will have a lot more fun than
when you were trying to top from the bottom--I know I did!
Of course, nothing is cut-and-dried; just because you're on the bottom
doesn't mean you're a puppet. But there is a big difference between
being open and communicative, and trying to force things in your
preferred direction. A good bottom is one who is enthusiastic,
devoted to their top's pleasure, willing to surrender to their top's
will, and happy to be bottoming.
There's a piece of common wisdom that's been around the scene for a
long time, which is: the best tops are those who started at the
bottom. I believe it's true. If you have been there, felt the bite
of the whip, struggled to get free as you were brought slowly and
teasingly to orgasm, tranced out as the sensation from the clothespins
washed over and through you... then you will be much better able to
guide someone else through that intensely magical space as a top,
because you will literally have been there. Plus, starting as a
bottom means you'll pick up a lot of hands-on (if you will)
experience!
-- What is body piercing?
Piercings aren't just done to ears. People on this list have their
nipples, navels, eyebrows, clitoris hoods, penises, labia, and other
body parts pierced, and bits of metal permanently in the piercings.
These are the bare facts, but this practice, it turns out, has a lot
to do with SM.
Getting a piercing, first of all, is an incredibly intense rush, on
a purely physical level. It's a very powerful thing to willingly
have someone push a sharp piece of metal through your body. It can
be a level of sensation beyond any you've experienced in your life.
Once you have the piercing, it can completely change the way that
part of the body feels to you. One friend of mine said that his
nipple piercings turned his nipples from little places that felt OK
to full-fledged erotic zones connected right to his cock. He calls
his nipple piercings the best thing he's ever done for his body and
his sex life, and he seems damn sincere! The same goes for all the
piercings in the genital area; they can really make sex more fun!
In case it wasn't clear, once a piercing heals, it doesn't hurt at
all; quite the opposite!
Some people get into play piercings, which are done temporarily with
very thin needles, which are removed at the end of the scene. This
is basically another kind of sensory trip, which some find very
enjoyable.
For more information about piercings, see rec.arts.bodyart (or
possibly later editions of this FAQ).
-- Does nipple piercing cause problems with nursing?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no; there are stories both ways. There are
many milk ducts in an average nipple, so the chances are good that
nursing can still happen, but nothing is certain.
-- What is cutting/burning/branding?
Just what they sound like. Cutting is having someone cut you,
carefully and lovingly, in the context of a scene. Burning is playing
with fire, whether it's molten wax, candles, or alcohol. Branding
is... well... branding! They're all very very intense SM trips that
can be an incredible amount of fun if you enjoy them, just like all
SM. They are, of course, extremely severe and possibly dangerous,
but they're not the kind of things novices tend to get right into.
-- What is it about breath control?
Some people enjoy playing with cutting off their air during heavy
scenes. This can be as simple as tying a tie around your neck and
then to the head of your bed, and putting pressure on it as you are
teased or brought to orgasm; or as complex as a full-head latex hood
and gas mask over a straitjacket. The idea is that as your air is cut
off, you feel sensation more intensely; it is also a deeply intimate
thing to allow someone else to be in control of the very air you
breathe. Needless to say, there are many things that can go very
wrong; if you pass out and someone isn't there to cut you loose and
make sure you're breathing, you can die. Not for novices.
-- What are "golden showers"?
Another kind of play. Basically, some people enjoy urinating on their
lovers, or having their lovers piss on them. Pissing is really a very
intimate thing; your urine is a part of you, it's warm and wet, it
feels good to let it out, it comes from your genitals. Some get a
thrill of power from having someone bound beneath them who can do
nothing but take it as the shower lets loose; others get off on being
made to pee, to wet their pants, it's naughty and they need to be
punished for it. Safety-wise, urine is essentially sterile; it's not
necessarily free of HIV, so it's probably not safer sex to drink
someone else's urine.
Some people are into scat play, which is playing with shit. I don't
know very many who are, but they're out there.
-- What is "fisting"?
Everyone (well, almost everyone) knows what finger-fucking is.
Whether in ass or pussy, it's terrifically enjoyable to stroke someone
inside. (Fingers up a man's ass, if aimed properly, will tickle his
prostate gland, which feels AMAZINGLY good... just a little tip!) And
people are generally comfortable with the idea of finger-fucking with
more than one finger. But not as many people have been exposed to the
idea of inserting a _whole hand_ into the ass or pussy... which is, in
simplest terms, what fisting is. Yes, it's anatomically possible, and
yes, it's EXTREMELY (so I've heard) pleasurable.
That said, it's now very important to explain what fisting is _not_.
You do _not_ make a fist and ram it home. Fisting is one of the most
intimate and complete ways to touch another human being, and it is
something that has to be worked up to slowly and gently. There have
been many posts about fisting on a.s.b, talking about the proper
technique, the safety concerns, the fantastic feeling of openness and
connection, the magical plane that two people fisting can attain...
it's an incredibly intense way to make love. I can't do justice to
the firsthand descriptions others have written, but I can mention some
of the safety concerns.
First of all, cut and file all your nails until every finger is as
smooth as it could _possibly_ be. Your fingers will be in some very
delicate places--places that may not have pain receptors. You want to
make sure you minimize all chance of causing damage.
Use latex gloves. AIDS is a matter of life and death.
Use LOTS (and I mean __LOTS__) of lube. Push it in with your fingers.
Make a huge mess. Get it all over your hand, the back of your hand,
between your fingers. Keep applying it as you go. You can't have too
much lube. Remember, oil-based lubricants dissolve latex.
Go slowly. Start with one finger and work up. DON'T RUSH. Be
sensitive to your bottom's feelings. You are trying to persuade part
of their body to open for you, to admit part of you deeply inside it.
The energy will move back and forth, and you'll ride it, coaxing and
pushing, in and out, moving your bottom into a trance. Keep communi-
cating with your bottom; gags, or role-playing where the bottom feels
inferior or is told to stay quiet, are not conducive to the kind of
relaxation and open empathy you'll need.
When you reach five fingers, you're almost there. Now is when you
want to be most sensitive and most aware. Your bottom is going to be
flying on pain and pleasure; a sudden flinch and you'll find the
asshole (or whatever) doesn't want you anymore. Respect that. But if
your bottom wants it, then you 'll slip your knuckles inside, and (so
I've been told) your hand will NATURALLY form a fist--you DON'T need
to clench your hand or anything else!
Now the real fun begins... explore, entice, pleasure your bottom, who
will be in heaven... and when it comes time to pull out, do so slowly
and naturally!
If you have more questions (as always), post to a.s.b; there have been
some GREAT pieces on fisting in the past, and there will be more if
you ask for them.
-- Why am I defending this lifestyle?
One of the problems with SM is the social programming against it.
Our culture isn't used to the idea that sex is fun and pushing one's
limits in search of pleasure is a damned enjoyable thing to do.
In this FAQ posting I have attempted to explain the ways I feel and my
friends feel about what we do. I am doing this because I used to know
very little about SM; I only knew I was interested. Through a.s.b and
lots of new friends and LOTS of wonderful experiences, I learned. Now
I want to describe it in as open and frank a manner as I know how.
Sometimes that openness and frankness slops over into apologia. I am
trying to avoid that, as I think there are few people sicker than
those who believe they have the right to tell others how to live and
love. If you believe SM is sick or disgusting, I tell you you are
simply wrong; some of the greatest acts of love I have ever witnessed
have occurred in an SM context. If you don't think you'd like it,
that's fine with me; just keep an open mind, because pleasure, for me
at least, is what it's all about!
Also, there are things I'm describing that _I_ don't enjoy (at least
not yet :-) This is not the FAQ List of the Gods, so don't take it
as such; listen to what I say and draw your own conclusions. And fer
pete's sake, post to alt.sex.bondage with your questions and thoughts
and fantasies and dreams; the blood of a.s.b is always freshened by
new posters! (It helps distract us from the flame wars!)
-- What is it about leather/latex?
Leather is one of the most basic fetishes in the scene. Leather
skirts, leather chaps, leather harnesses, leather cuffs, on and on.
Likewise for latex. Much of the appeal of these two substances,
it seems to me, is in their tightness and their shininess; clothes
made out of them enhance your awareness of your sensual self, and
restraints made out of them can cling like a second skin. In general,
leather and latex are two really big categories of fetish--and a
fetish is defined as something that turns some people on; if you
have to ask, you probably won't understand!
-- Isn't the bottom always in control?
One of the paradoxes of SM revolves around consensuality. Everything
in SM is consensual; although the top is in control, it was the
bottom's choice to allow the top to _be_ in control. And since most
of the time the top is trying to keep the bottom happy, and since the
bottom knows that, isn't the bottom really in control?
Yes, if your definition of "in control" is "can stop the scene". The
bottom can always opt out, if it's true, safe, sane, consensual SM.
But the top can go a long way towards putting the bottom under the
top's spell, making the bottom submit to really strenuous bondages or
beatings, using the bottom as the top pleases. I know that when I top
I take great pleasure out of, for instance, hog-tying my girlfriend
with her breasts bound and her hands behind her back and her ankles
tied to her ponytail, then putting her on the edge of the bed and
sticking my cock in her mouth. She has no choice but to suck it until
I come. Which of us is "in control"? Both of us would say that I am,
and both of us are getting off on that fact, so the paradox in
practice doesn't matter too much.
-- Can someone "really" be someone else's slave?
This is the last question in another guise. Is it possible for there
to be consensual non-consensuality? That is, can someone agree to be
in a situation from which they cannot escape, and to live that way?
This topic can inspire flame wars, as follows: historical slavery was
totally non-consensual and enforced by the state; at the worst of
times, the life of a slave was in the master's hands. Our society
today does not recognize such an arrangement. Does this mean that
someone cannot truly become someone else's slave, as society would
always permit the slave to back out? Or is true slavery possible as a
bond between one person and another, regardless of society? You
expect an answer in a FAQ? Sorry, here there are only more questions.
-- What are the "codes"?
Often the "hanky code" is mentioned on a.s.b. What is it? It's a
tradition in the scene that if you're into certain types of activities
you can indicate them by wearing a handkerchief in either your left or
right back pockets. The color indicates the activity; the side, the
preferred position (left is top, right is bottom). Some of the colors
are gray for bondage (left is you like to tie, right is you like to be
tied up), red for anal fisting (left fister, right fistee), and black
for heavy SM (piercing, serious whipping, etc.); there are many many
many more. I don't have a list handy.
Sometimes the same thing is done with keys or handcuffs--keys on the
left means you're a top, on the right means you're a bottom. It's all
just a way to signal your preferences in a public place.
Despite persistent rumors, there seems to be no "earring code"
involving earrings on the left/right/both/whatever.
-- My fantasies scare me; what if I get too into SM?
Fantasies are not reality. It is well documented that many women have
rape fantasies from time to time; this does not mean that women want
to be raped. SM can involve playing on the edge between fantasy and
reality, using that fantasy energy to create something fantastically
strong and passionate in the real world; but this does not mean that
fantasies are anything but imagination.
If you are worried about getting "too into SM", it means that you are
sensitive to your spiritual and sexual development, which in itself
means you don't have to worry. Trust your instincts. SM is nothing
but opening up the the powerful energy within us all, and being
willing to experience that energy with and through others; it is
intimate and loving. Even a hard scene, involving ruthless domination
and serious pain, is an act of love, and a very deep one at that; it
takes a lot of trust and a strong connection between the people
involved to create such a scene. The more into SM you are, the better
a communicator and lover you will likely be!
-- I want to throw a play party; how can I go about it?
Occasionally on alt.sex.bondage there is a flurry of email about some
event that recently occurred (often in the SF Bay area) at which many
net.folks were in attendance, and about the tremendously enjoyable
things that transpired there. Then others around the country post,
wishing they lived out here too. Well, you don't have to live out
here to have a play party!
What is a play party? A party where your guests can (and hopefully
will) play with each other! It can be as simple as a backrub circle
which turns into more intimate activity, or it can be one person who
gets clothespins applied to them while others watch and contribute
energy before going off into their own scenes, or indeed anything at
all. The idea is to enjoy each other, to communicate and share the
pleasure that touching and playing can bring. If there is a common
interest in SM, that's convenient, as lots of things can be initiated
with a simple pair of handcuffs or a whip that looks like it'd feel
good; also, if the guests have played with SM, they will understand
the need for negotiation, and they will know what it is to respect
another's limits.
Some tips: Don't encourage alcohol; make it BYOB. This makes the
party safer, and the drunker you get the less likely you are to really
be aboe to fully negotiate and communicate. Minimize video and music;
this causes people to interact with each other, which is the whole
point, rather than sit back and stay out of the action. Keep bleach,
condoms, betadine, dental dams, latex gloves, lube, and paper towels
handy; this makes people aware that they can easily play safely--a
matter of life and death--as well as expressing the hosts' concern for
the guests.
If possible, have several playspaces (i.e. rooms where people can
recline and play with each other); this lets the exhibitionists
exhibit, while the more private ones can be more private, and the
heavy players can play heavily (serious whippings, candles, etc.)
without freaking out the folks with lighter tastes. Have some
knowledgeable people take turns as safety monitors; if anything's
going on that looks unsafe or nonconsensual, give those people
authority to take action. Establish a party safeword (a great one is
"Safeword!"). In general, make your place into a safe space, a haven
where people can unwind and enjoy each other to whatever extent they
want to, without feeling pressured or uncomfortable.
Possibly the most helpful tip: if you can, try to get a group of
people in your area together, and try to get activities planned
between parties--lunches, group shopping trips to your local toy
stores, movies, etcetera. It's hard to overcome the barriers to
trusting someone enough to have sensual or sexual contact with them,
especially in our pleasure-negative society; therefore, things may not
get off to the rollicking start you could wish for at your first
party. If there are a couple of exhibitionists to break the ice,
though, it helps; and as people get to know each other better and get
to be friends, it will increase the level of fun everyone will have!
-- What are some books/magazines/organizations about SM?
This list is incomplete and needs all the entries it can find--address
corrections especially appreciated.
Books:
Possibly the best reference on basic SM safety I've ever seen is _The
Lesbian S/M Safety Guide_, edited by Pat Califia and published by The
Lace Press (I don't have the address handy at the moment--sorry).
There is information in here on everything from physical safety to
emotional issues to negotiating with bottoms to consensual slave
contracts. It's written about lesbians, but very little of the
information is actually gender-specific. Excellent.
Anything written by Pat Califia (_Macho Sluts_, _Doc and Fluff_,
_Sapphistry_). Alyson Press (40 Plympton St., Boston, MA 02118, (800)
8-ALYSON) publishes her stuff. She's very well known in the scene and
she is a hot (as in boiling- glowing-volcanic-nuclear-SUPERHOT)
writer. Be warned, though; _Doc and Fluff_ in particular is not for
the faint of heart!
Larry Townsend's _The Leatherman's Handbook_. I personally have
never read it, but it's widely known.
_Coming to Power_, by SAMOIS, published by Alyson Press. This
is a book about lesbian SM, written by a former Bay Area women's
collective. It has a huge spectrum of pieces from hot fantasy to
personal history to political pronouncement. Very worthwhile.
Anne Rampling, _Exit to Eden_, widely available. This woman, also
known as Anne Rice, has a sizable following in the scene; this book is
mostly-mainstream but is apparently a good introduction to what it
_feels_ like to be in the scene. Also by her, under the name A. N.
Rocquelaure, is the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy: _The Claiming of Sleeping
Beauty_, _Beauty's Punishment_, and _Beauty's Release_, in which the
hero and heroine are subjected to all kinds of wonderfully sensual
torments. Something for just about everyone.
Magazines:
_Sandmutopia Guardian_, by Desmodus, Inc., P. O. Box 410390, San
Francisco, CA 94141-0390, (415) 252-1195. $24 for six issues
(US/Canada). A very good how-to magazine, focusing on the basics of
SM play (lots of reader articles and B&W pictures), with lots of
listings of clubs around the US.
_Skin Two_, Freepost, 23 Grand Union Centre, Kensal Rd, London W10
5BR. A VERY classy magazine, all glossy with excellent articles and
photos, with lots of emphasis on latex but good material for anyone
into SM, as well as a HUGE section of magazine, book, and store
listings in the back of every issue. They take credit card orders at
081 968 9692. Highly recommended.
Organizations:
There are various regional organizations which continually fluc-
tuate. Look in the back of the _Guardian_; they generally include
a list in every issue. Some of the better-known ones:
Eulenspiegel Society, PO Box 2783, Grand Central Station, New York, NY
10163-2783, (212) 633-TESM. A long-running club for SMers on the
right coast. Well known.
The Society of Janus, PO Box 6794, San Francisco, CA 90291.
Organization in the SF Bay Area, open to all genders and persuasions.
The National Leather Association, PO Box 17463, Seattle, WA 98107. A
politically-oriented group open to everyone into leather/SM.
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Hope you learned something! Remember, your sexuality is beautiful;
treasure it and nourish it!
--
Rob Jellinghaus | "Next time you see a lie being spread or
Autodesk, Inc. | a bad decision being made out of sheer
rob...@Autodesk.COM | ignorance, pause, and think of hypertext."
{decwrl,uunet}!autodesk!robertj | -- K. Eric Drexler, _Engines of Creation_
William D Yang
"Can someone e-mail me a copy of _Leather Biker Anal Chained Gangbangs and the
Art of Zen Meditation_ chapter 299141.063"
or, better yet,
"Can someone mail me a copy of _Cindy's Torment_"
didn't make it to the FAQ list...
--
William D. Yang wy...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu Yan...@osu.edu
It's really -JUST- my opinion. "State the obvious: it confuses people!"
"If you've gotta lurk, you may as well lurk with class... or, in my case,
Semi-demi-quasi-pseudo Class...." [Quotes by Ray, SDQP-Lurker@Large]