Two advice columns for shy guys
Lonely God
I. "The Advice Goddess" by Amy Alkon (dated May 24 2005)
LEAVE DULL ENOUGH ALONE
Q: My boyfriend is educated, responsible, affectionate, and attentive, but
he's also incredibly boring. Not only is he shy, socially awkward, and
never spontaneous, he isn't passionate about anything. He doesn't even get
worked up about computers, which he's supposedly really into. An exciting
evening for him is going to the drugstore to buy a can of peanuts on sale.
My parents insist I should overlook all this because he's a good person
(and better yet, "marriage material"). They say if I dump him, I'll regret
it and wind up with some "bad boy." He is a good person, and the sex is
great, but I can barely detect a pulse on this man. Am I being too
superficial? -- Painting The Town Beige
A: "Sometimes a near-death experience compels a person to really start
living. Unfortunately, there's no telling whether your boyfriend will
ever have one. While you might feel tempted to help matters along by,
say, pretending to run him down with your car, this may lead to numerous
negative consequences -- for example, finding yourself considered
"marriage material" by your cellmate in women's prison.
Like a lot of parents, your parents divide their daughter's boyfriends
into two categories: potential husbands and guys who spend their spare
time knocking over liquor stores and boosting cars. Your boyfriend does
have the stability and dependability parents look for when separating the
fiances from the felons. Alas, he combines these with all the personality
of a bran muffin. Your mom and dad find this a minor tradeoff -- probably
because they're concerned for your safety and security -- but maybe
because, like many parents, they're secretly terrified that their "kids"
will move back in with them at age 45.
"Am I being too superficial?" you squeak, practically apologizing for
wanting to have some fun. Priggish types do paint superficiality as an
atrocity akin to trapping small woodland animals to make fur vests for
your Barbies. Quite frankly, superficiality gets a bum rap -- as if you
can't gossip about some movie star's cold sore and still lead a meaningful
life. (Take it from me: You can be both deep and deeply superficial.)
Fun is an essential part of life -- although it's frequently compromised
by the need to make car payments and keep a roof over your head that
doesn't have a "Salvation Army" sign bolted to it. Okay, that stuff is
important. But, maybe, just maybe, there should be more to life than
mailing the Visa bill on time and remaining ambulatory while your cells
divide.
Do you like how a guy smells? Do you have sex dreams about him while
pretending to listen to your boss? Does he make you laugh? Does he inspire
you? (Inspiring you to ask, "Are you dead, dear, or just practicing?"
doesn't cut it.) For a relationship to work you actually have to connect
with somebody -- beyond the times you go bump in the night. This requires
a guy who has a passion or two besides saving big on a can of Planters.
Sure, your current boyfriend can probably be counted on not to leave you,
cheat on you, or run up your credit cards. But can he be counted on to
keep you awake?
Parents should be more concerned with telling girls they'll always need to
support themselves -- which would eliminate the need to shove them into
oxygen-sucking relationships in the name of "security." As good as your
parents' intentions may be, "'til death do us part" works best when it
doesn't play out like an experiment in whether it's possible to literally
die of boredom.
http://www.creators.com/lifestyle_show.cfm?columnsName=aal
II. "Annie's Mailbox" by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar (dated May 29
2005)
DATING ADVICE FROM A JERK: NICE GUYS DON'T GET THE GIRL
Dear Annie: I was appalled at the advice you gave a 11-year-old shy
college student who wanted to ask a girl out. You suggested he ask about
her finals or what she thinks of her classes, so that the next time he
sees her, "You'll be friends."
For males, being friends is the absolute last thing you want to be with a
girl. No girl ever looks at a friend and says, "He's hot." A guy today
must make it clear from the very beginning that he wants a sexual
relationship to avoid being tossed into the "friend" trap. I'd tell "Shy
Guy" to upgrade his wardrobe, buy some "bling-bling" and start paying
attention to hygiene. He can then run some game on the girl by feeding her
lines and clever compliments.
I am 22 and in college. I used to be a "nice guy" until I realized that
being nice only gets you a girl who talks about how bad her boyfriend
treats her. No amount of kindness will get her to dump the bad guy for
you. By becoming a jerk, I've managed to exude a sense of attraction my
girlfriends find irresistible, even though, I admit, I neglect them
sometimes.
There is a purpose for nice guys, though. They provide the girls with
emotional support, while we get all the action. Although they will never
admit it, most women prefer the dangerous, tough-guy jerk to the kind,
loyal nice guy. It's just a fact of life. -- SoCali Playa
Dear Prince Charming: We appreciate your honesty, and you make some good
points -- there are indeed emotionally insecure girls who think they
deserve guys who treat them like dirt. And if a guy is looking only to
score, he can behave like a callous pig, and some girls will find that
attractive.
Somewhere underneath your "jerk" exterior is a nice guy. When you decide
you want to settle down, we doubt you will be content with your current
female companions. And the ones you want, the ones who are worth it, may
find you a total waste of time. Be careful what you wish for.
http://www.creators.com/lifestyle_show.cfm?next=6&ColumnsName=ama
Lash Rambo
news:2005053001...@alii.inets.com:
> I. "The Advice Goddess" by Amy Alkon (dated May 24 2005)
>
> LEAVE DULL ENOUGH ALONE
>
> Q: My boyfriend is educated, responsible, affectionate, and attentive,
> but he's also incredibly boring. Not only is he shy, socially awkward,
> and never spontaneous, he isn't passionate about anything. He doesn't
> even get worked up about computers, which he's supposedly really into.
> An exciting evening for him is going to the drugstore to buy a can of
> peanuts on sale. My parents insist I should overlook all this because
> he's a good person (and better yet, "marriage material"). They say if
> I dump him, I'll regret it and wind up with some "bad boy." He is a
> good person, and the sex is great, but I can barely detect a pulse on
> this man. Am I being too superficial? -- Painting The Town Beige
>
> A: [dump him]
I wonder if she hasn't already dated some bad boys? Sounds like she
lacks a frame of reference--she doesn't know how good she has it. Either
that, or she's not only superficial, but one-dimensional and cares only
about full-time entertainers.
> II. "Annie's Mailbox" by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar (dated May 29
> 2005)
>
> DATING ADVICE FROM A JERK: NICE GUYS DON'T GET THE GIRL
>
> Dear Annie: I was appalled at the advice you gave a 11-year-old shy
> college student who wanted to ask a girl out. You suggested he ask
> about her finals or what she thinks of her classes, so that the next
> time he sees her, "You'll be friends."
>
> For males, being friends is the absolute last thing you want to be
> with a girl. No girl ever looks at a friend and says, "He's hot." A
> guy today must make it clear from the very beginning that he wants a
> sexual relationship to avoid being tossed into the "friend" trap.
Agreed.
> I'd
> tell "Shy Guy" to upgrade his wardrobe, buy some "bling-bling" and
> start paying attention to hygiene. He can then run some game on the
> girl by feeding her lines and clever compliments.
This is a dumb way to go about it. Don't be a slob, sure, but don't
advertise yourself as some kind of playa or sugar daddy, either. The
main thing is to work sexual topics into conversations early (like,
within the first week). Maybe crack a "dirty joke." Do a little
research to lower your "purity score," in spirit if not in body, so you
can carry on a sexual conversation besides bemoaning how little poon you
get. ;)