I am 42 years old and presently going thru the split up of a
relationship.

I know this is the wrong group but didn't know where else to post
this.

How does one get "over" being dumped and in love with someone?

I'll explain more as the thread develops

john63...@yahoo.carrot.com wrote in
<m85vbtkd39phkvj6gsm546jhaahrdqt...@4ax.com>:

This is the right group.

"Welcome to the brotherhood. The first rule of Project Mayhem,
is that you DO NOT TALK ABOUT ..."

heh, just kidding

I think what you're wrestling with, is a variety of "one itis"
but also a variety of "AFC ness" and also, (shudder), probably
some degree of "love." Nobody except you can ever know how much
your own internal sense of commitment is a true and good one
that creates happy states and decent bonds between people, and
how much of it is a problematic (but natural!) human reaction
that will cause you and, perhaps, your ex-partner, states of
unhappiness. You can describe it one way and it sounds AFC; and
another way and it sounds perfectly decent. So it's up to you,
to be totally honest with yourself as the thread develops.

But here's the question. Are you engaging in some variety of
learning, that will train you to become a PUA? Have you read the
newsgroup's FAQ, some of the layguides on the internet, the list
of acronyms available at several of the layguide sites, and so
forth? Because the assumptions of the guys who will be
responding to you, will ALL center on a set of understandings
that are collected in those layguides. You may or may not agree
with the layguides (I disagree with some bits of them! gasp! to
admit it here!) or with the premises behind them - please don't
fall into the mistake, of ARGUING (either for or against) the
premises of the layguides, since that will simply alienate your
audience and confuse the discussion.

The "right answer" according to the layguides, is simple. Go out
and fuck ten other women in a month, and THEN see whether or not
you're over this one girl. What's that? Don't have the skill to
do that? Then THAT's your problem, the lack of skill to land ten
other fuck-partners in a month. Begin reading, develop some
skill, etc.

I realize that's a bit of a facile answer, and seems to skirt
the issue which you wish to address. The issue you are
addressing seems, to me, to question more, the act of managing
an internal state. YOu have a state (you admit it), and you wish
to change it. I believe there are NLP tricks that claim to be
able to do this. (I also don't believe much of NLP ... but
that's a different issue.) And there are ways to get "out of
your head" by engaging in non-introspective activities -
including that previous paragraph's suggestion, to GO OUT (get
it?) and fuck ten other women.

Let's hear some discussion on these questions. Who are you?
What's your PUA and/or AFC level, and your level of familiarity
with the newsgroup, the FAQ, the layguides? Start readin'!

Sorry to hear that.  What kind of relationship was it?  FB?  STR?  LTR?
Marriage?

Fair enough.

Go find & fuck 10 new women.  If you don't have the skills to do that,
THAT is your problem not the loss of your relationship.  No amount of
effort to find a "new" chick to replace your "old" chick will ever be as
fruitful or satisfying that learning the skills to get you a lot more
women, the kind that you actually WANT.

Here are you starting points:

  Lurk in the group for at leats another couple of weeks - that
  will help you understand what we discuss around here in order
  to help ourselves accomplish the skill goals.  While you spend
  time lurking here, you'll also want to read and study the
  knowledge at:

  The A.S.F. FAQ:
    http://www.fastseduction.com/asf-faq.shtml

  Fast Seduction 101 Player Guide:
    http://www.fastseduction.com/guide/

  A.S.F. (alt.seduction.fast) Searchable Archive:
    http://www.fastseduction.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi

  Maniac High's Pick Up Girls Guide:
    http://www.pickupguide.com/

  Ross Jeffries' Get Laid/Persuasion Newsletters:
    http://www.seduction.com/news.htm

  Sign up for Clifford's Seduction Newsletter (e-mail):
    instructions are at http://www.fastseduction.com/links.shtml

  If you need to locate & hook up with wingmen in your area, look at:
    http://www.fastseduction.com/pair.shtml

Then, start experimenting and practicing the knowledge.  Finally, post
your field reports here so that others can pick apart your experience
and comment on your results.

--
jay <formhan...@aol.com>

Fast Seduction 101 - http://www.fastseduction.com/
Class is now in session...

Yes.... I have been hanging around here for awhile.... reading
threads.... FAQ's.. etc.  And have learned a lot so far.

However.... I haven't gone out and fucked or picked up ten other
women.  Just one actually.<G>

I do agree that I must have "one-itis".  I have been told I am an
attractive man.... out going.... fun to be with.  But this gal I
"think".... or "am"..... in love with... REALLY has a grip on me.
And for the life of me.... I have no reason to do nothing but
hate her.... as she has put me thru hell. But yet.... I STILL
want her even tho she says it is over.

There is SO much to tell abt what happened in this wacky
relationship.... that I don't know where to begin. I'll try and
explain it in a "nutshell" if possible.

I met this woman..... 18 months ago.  She is my age.... 42....
had been married 20 years.... and ONLY divorced abt 8 months when
I met her. She went nuts over me very early on in the
relationship..... within 8 weeks she was talking marriage...  how
much she loved me.... how important I was to her.... etc.  I told
her to "slow down"... that we hardly knew each other well or long
enough to even think of marriage yet.

But she seemed SO GENUINE... so sincere abt what she wanted.....
that I guess she convinced me.... that maybe she was "the one".
She even started shopping for rings sets..... and told me abt it.

So... I went out and bough the ring set... with the idea that she
was the one.  However .... after buying that set..... her mood
changed.... she seemed more distant..... acted weird.  Finally
she tells me she needs her space..... blah.... blah... blah.

This went on for awhile and I tried as hard as I could to give
her the space..... be understanding.... accommodating.... etc.
But within a few weeks.... she was coming BACK to me .... telling
me again how good I was..... how much she loved me.... blah....
blah.

In meantime.... I became distrustful of her. I suspected there
was more behind the scenes than what I was seeing.  And in
fact..... there was another man..... that she had had a sexual
relationship right after her divorce.... and whom she "attached"
to.

Anyway.... after some talk... we got back together. Only to have
this process of "you are the best thing in my life I love you" to
"I am sorry but I need my space and you are smothering me".....
repeat several more times over the last 18 months.

Now..... I fault myself here..... but there WERE times we had
that were VERY fund and good together..... and I got "bonded" in
an emotional way to her.  That is my fault.  I DID fall in
love.... and still am somewhat.

I should have been wise enough to realize that anyone right after
a divorce.... is not "centered".. and know what and what they are
and capable of crazy stuff like this.

Plus.... I fault myself BIGTIME for being "needy"..... and weak.

Now..... the situation is that she is DONE with me... just wants
"it over".. IOW.... all the control and power is with her.... and
I am a mess.

What must I do... to regain some control? Or get over this and
move on?

I would still like some "kind" or relationship with her..... but
as I said she now has all the power and knows this instinctively.

I have REALLY cut this story down.... this is a LOT to tell.

john63...@yahoo.carrot.com wrote in
<olcvbtkqe647mmvjg54elpmqr7bj805...@4ax.com>:

Nah. I don't want to hear the rest. "Come here. Go away. Buy me
shit. I love you." You buy her shit. "I hate you." You stop
buying her shit. "I love you again. You're the only one for me.
Except for that other guy. I am totally confused." Duh. Of
course she's sending you mixed signals. She was in a twenty-year
relationship. She won't be "over" what happened to her in her
marriage, for another ten years. You caught her on some kind of
re-re-rebound. Just move on. Like you say you want to. There's
no reason to belabor all the little strange fucked up things
that happened between you, that she did TO you, that you
"shared" together. They represent how warped your interactions
with her are going to have to be. Consequently, end those
interactions.

Let's agree on something. Regardless of the details, you're
better off WITHOUT her than WITH her. That's an idea you've
already acquiesced to in your posts. So, the question here, is
NOT whether or not you SHOULD be interested in her, or SHOULD
still be under her spell (I'm going to call it "under her spell"
and assume that this phrase subsumes both "in love with" AND "am
an AFC sucker for" and all things in between). The question
isn't WHETHER you should get out from under her spell. The
question is HOW you can most effectively get out from under her
spell.

Given that the goal, is to be free of her spell, what are the
most effective methods?

One. Go out and fuck ten others. Really. Ten. Start counting.
One down (right?), nine to go.

Two. Don't let yourself enter into dialogues with yourself about
her. If you find yourself thinking of her, FIND A DISTRACTION.
Do you play tennis? Take it up. It's spring, there must be some
kind of outdoors activity that requires energy, planning, a
clothing change, and perhaps other people. Tennis, beach
frisbee, dog-walking for fun and profit ...

Three. Join clubs. Involve yourself in interactions with other
humans. Develop interesting odd friendships with the strangest
people in the group. You'll probably not keep these new
friendships for a lifetime, just look to find odd humans who can
offer a distraction. Do you know anyone with a boat? A dog? A
penchant for metal detectors? Anything outdoors.

Four. Re-contact with old friends. This will allow you the
chance to have something to do on ANY GIVEN EVENING during which
the old memories might otherwise come flooding back. People to
phone up and connect with, people to go to the local bar for a
low-stress, non-introspective afternoon or evening of watching
TV, people who are doing things that you can involve yourself
in. Call 'em up. Set up lots of appointments from work for
lunches, dinners, afternoons watching sports together.

Five. Don't bring her up with your old friends, except to just
explain, "She and I aren't seeing one another any more. It
ripped me apart, but I'm looking to move on from that, so let's
talk about something in the future rather than something from
the past." Don't talk about her. Don't talk TO her. Don't "have
important discussions about what happened between us." These
discussions may or may not alleviate some emotional difficulties
either of you may be feeling, but, more important, they are a
MEANS TO CONTACT HER and CONTINUE YOUR DEPENDENCE on interacting
with her. Interacting at all is worse than not interacting, even
if that means leaving a few questions unanswered.

Six. Don't badmouth her to people. Don't goodmouth her. Don't
neutralmouth her. Just don't discuss her. Don't bring her up. I
said that already.

Seven. Try to stay matter-of-fact about any necessary
arrangements. Clean the house of all memories of her, matter-of-
fact-ly. Just throw out her panties in the trash, if she left a
pair in yor dresser. Don't burn them; don't do a Satanic
sacrifice. And by all means don't arrange an occasion to return
them. Just throw 'em out in the kitchen garbage and FORGET about
them. As an example. All things that look or sound or smell like
her, must go into the trash immediately. If you are the sort of
guy who sometimes fishes things OUT of the trash, then take a
short drive to your local grocery store with the trashbag full
of anything she left behind, and drop it in their dumpster in
the parking lot behind the store, and drive home. They empty
those dumpsters every day, so her stuff is GONE.

Eight. What are you doing this Friday night? Set it up by
tomorrow. What are you doing this Saturday night? Set that up as
well. Use the phone. Now. Go. I want your next post here at the
newsgroup to include assertions that you have every moment of
your weekend planned to a "T" already. The more things you do
without her, the more you become sure your life is happening and
moving forward without her, and hence the more you feel
independent of her.

Nine. Don't post here about your past experiences with her. Just
as it's wise not to belabor the relationship with her, or with
friends, it's also wise to stop belaboring it with the
newsgroup. The details you've given us, are CERTAINLY enough for
us to understand that the interaction is toxic to you. We don't
need more details, I don't think. Specifics aren't going to tell
us anything, except the fact that you've still got all those
specifics wandering around inside your head. Banish them, from
the newsgroup and from your head.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

These are all just ideas right off the top of my head. They
would be what I would say to someone who is a "normal" guy
anyway; I don't quite know how to work in the AFC-to-PUA thing,
into there. Do you have suggestions? I guess, maybe, trying to
sarge and spending time on Friday or Saturday or whenever you're
free meeting new people ought to be the primary tonic. Item one:
go out and find ten other ... ok, you've got the concept. Any
other suggestions? Other folks' ideas?

Really the easiest way is to meet many other chicks... it really does work.
Surprising how easily you'd forget.  I would Imagine that's exactly what the
girls would do.

<truly excellant advice snipped for bandwidth>

Jay,

I think FinalD's reply should go into the FAQ and Player Guide as well.
--
Jake Thomson
Two guys are walking down the street.
The first walks into a bar, the second one ducks.
mailto: jakethom...@uswest.net

Good advice FinalD..... I have printed it up and intend to put it
on my fridge door.

I will reply to your post as soon as I get back from lunch

Actually..... believe it or not.... I went and saw a counselor
last week and they said it takes typically 3 years after a
divorce for someone to "center" themselves again... and find out
who they are and what they want.

Yes..... calling it a "spell" is an appropriate term as far as I
am concerned.... because that is EXACTLY how I feel... powerless
to resist.

I will try.... but I live in a small rural town of 18,000
people.... and I swear the ratios of men to women here must be 10
to 1.  It seems hard to even "meet" women out..... to begin the
pickup process.

Yes.... distractions is what I need. Good point!

This is a problem.... because we have a mutual friends couple
that we used to run around with.... and guess what this couple.
who I thought were my friends too..... set her up with ANOTHER
male friend of theirs!!   So.... should I dump this couple
also.... because it is REALLY hard being friends with them when I
know they did this.

The above was exactly was what I was thinking of doing....
setting down and writing a long email telling her how sorry I was
things turned out this way... blah... blah.... blah.  I am taking
it that this is DEFINETLY the WRONG thing to do, correct?

This is the difficult part.... I don't have a wide circle of
friends to plan my life out to a "T".... altho I think this is
EXCELLENT advice.  Friday and Saturday nights are the "killers"
for me.... cause I know she is out on a date with this other
guy.... and my supposed mutual "friend" couple.

My thoughts are.... that I should NEVER be seen by her out and
alone..... that if I do not have a date/woman with me.... to
avoid where she is at.... or not go out at all. I would ALWAYS
like her to see me with another woman.  Good idea?

THANK YOU.... they are excellent ideas and I will do my best to
follow them.... altho I know I can get "weak" and slip.  I always
lose control over my emotions when I am drinking.  Should I NOT
drink at all for a period of time??

john63...@yahoo.carrot.com wrote in
<gj14ct8us00vpl2i08t2ivvu1bqtrpe...@4ax.com>:

If you think drinking is a hindrance to having a positive life -
and you think that part of that hindrance would be, re-
contacting the chick - then, YOU put two and two together.
Really, quitting drinking isn't as hard as it might seem, UNLESS
you are an addicted alcoholic. Plenty of "social drinkers" find,
much to their surprise, that they are NOT addicted, and can just
drop it cold-turkey.

But your situation is troublesome. You're "trapped" in a small
social circle. 18,000 is a small town. Are you free to move out
of town? Or at least, plan on spending the next six weekends on
road trips that start on Friday afternoon and end on Monday
morning? I think "small townie" stuff is a central, but oft
unspoken, theme to this newsgroup. People in NYC can easily
change their social circle ... and nearly ALL of our best PUAs
come from large cities (NYC, Toronto, Tokyo, London, LA), and if
they move, they move from large city to large city. PU and "the
attitude" need to be something that WORK EFFECTIVELY right out
the door - not something you have to drive overnight to "go use"
and then "turn back off" for the drive home. (Note the recent
not-lay-report about travelling to Cleveland.)

I'm wrestling with this right now. I live NEAR the Tampa-Bay
hot-spots, but it's effectively a drive of an hour to get to any
clubbing district or any social spot at all. This means,
basically, either I "turn up the heat" for a "night of fun"
which must be centered entirely on car-trips, or I "stay in" for
a "quiet evening." The disjunction between the two lifestyles is
in some ways preventing me from totally adopting, as a complete
world-view, the PUA set of attitudes. I know them
intellectually, and BELIEVE them generally but sometimes FORGET
them because I spend so much time in a suburb with blue-hairs
where they are only vaguely and randomly applicable. You will
have a similar problem.

What do you think. Is PU actually only a big-city thing?
Interesting implication ...

Well.... I feel that I am not afraid to walk up to women and talk
to them... but have few "opportunities" to do so living in a town
of 18,000

Yes... I could spend some time out of town.... but like you don't
want to have to turn things "off and on".... as far as th PU
attitude.

But right now.... I just need some "successes".  I would REALLY
like to never be seen by my ex girlfriend without another woman
on my arm. I know that may be impossible... but I have given her
such a big head..... that I wish I could deflate it a little. <G>

   I live in a city of about 40,000 and used to constantly say "good god if i
could only get out of here i could be a PUA or i could get laid at least". I
now see it only makes it easier living in a big city. I do want to move
somewhere nice and packed with HBS im thinking miami ,florida or anahiem,
california eventually. Both places seemed packed when i was AFC. Id rather
train here in hell and end up in paradise with hell skills than train in a big
city where pussy is abundant then somehow someday end up in the sticks trying
to PU with laid back skills. If i ever get a 10 in this town(they have 11
attitude) i could get a fucking celebrity cunt in hollywood(joke:im sure they
are probably worse).

On 28 Mar 2001 22:49:46 GMT, gunwit...@cs.com

Good point!

Listen... i want everyone to know how much I have
apreciated their advice and help. Greta group of people
here!

news:t4j4ctofpj1u7dijgck9hniu027467msna@4ax.com...
If it is hard to find the quality ones, the very least you should be doing
is talking and practicing on the lesser ones.  I did my first non drunk,
straight out, bar pu on a chick I absolutly did not want last weekend.  The
reason I did it is cause my wing called me on my shit when I was complaining
that I do not approach as much as I want.  The point is that I approached
and was successful and my confidence shot way up.  see "*non close" for the
report.  The more you approach, the more confidence you will have.  The more
confidence you have, the more you will feel you can have any woman.  The
more you feel you can have any woman, the more this one will not matter to
you.  Like finalD said, GET OUT, with friends or for any reason and get
yourself distracted.  You are on the right track.  Good luck

Mike the Great