compatibility or prize?
Eric Chen
What do you look for in an SO? Why?
What I mean by 'prize' is looking for certain qualities, attributes, even
credentials when evaluating potential SOs and touting them as factors in
attraction. Common examples that come to mind are appearance, specific
personality attributes, talent, intelligence, academic degrees, social
standing, money or earning potential, lineage, and breeding.
Compatibility is, generally put, how well two people can mesh together.
The soul-mate ideal would probably be the ultimate in compatibility.
Personally, I think I used to lean more towards prize than I did
compatibility. I cherished the idea of creating the best offspring
possible. I was impressed by exceptional ability, intelligence and talent,
among other things, all of which I factored in. I thought about status (as
vaguely as that) and raising mine via the potential SO. Because I thought
of potential SOs as prizes, I believed I had to earn one like I earned
achievements in school or extra-curricular activities.
Now, I'm reevaluating. My ex has caused me to rethink what I want out of
an SO. She is very much the prize. Beautiful, desired by other men,
capable, intelligent, multi-talented, ambitious...and I can go on.
However, we weren't compatible. One of us, usually me, always seemed to
feel bad whenever we talked. Despite that, I worked hard to keep myself in
her life. Why? If we weren't compatible, why did I do that? It's an ugly
thought, but I'm starting to think I fell in love not with her, but with
the idea of this extraordinary person and what she represented. Separate
her from her prize aspects, and I'm not sure what I think of her. I'm not
sure how much I ever thought of her as just herself.
I think it's time I try to shake off the prize mentality and emphasize
compatibility in my own mind. It won't be easy. I grew up thinking about
practically everything in terms of competition and results. I suspect from
bits of information that I have pieced together that my father courted my
mom in large part because she was a prize and my mom accepted him in just
as large a part because he was a prize. In their youth, both of my parents
were ambitious and high achievers in their peer groups, just like I was
for a while.
Writing these posts sure can stimulate the thinking process. I started
this post out of curiousity (I still want the question answered). Now, I
have to rethink my role in what happened with my ex and me. Well, add that
to the long list of stuff that's going through my mind nowadays.
Eric
Karin Reinmueller TOK
Eric Chen (dc...@interport.net) wrote:
: What do you look for in an SO? Why?
: What I mean by 'prize' is looking for certain qualities, attributes, even
: credentials when evaluating potential SOs and touting them as factors in
: attraction. Common examples that come to mind are appearance, specific
: personality attributes, talent, intelligence, academic degrees, social
: standing, money or earning potential, lineage, and breeding.
: Compatibility is, generally put, how well two people can mesh together.
: The soul-mate ideal would probably be the ultimate in compatibility.
Hm, I think what I'm looking for does fit better in the 'compatibility'
category. I look very much for someone who causes a spark in me, someone
I can fall in love with - I only meet one or two men of this sort in a
year, so this is a very narrow criterion already. I've met a mann who fulfills
all 'prize' requirements I have (from about the same social group I am
from, nice, and about as much religious as I am - which is rather difficult
to find :-) ), but it was totally impossible for me to love him. Instead,
I'm so glad when I run once a year into a man who maybe doesn't really
fit to me but makes me fall in love with him - at the beginning I don't
even care much if he loves me back or not (which has set me up for only
one-sided loves up to now :-( ).
Thinking about it I doubt that what I'm looking for is even compatibility...
That would mean having the same interests, hobbies and plans for life,
hm? But my interests and hobbies can change already with the bunch of
friends I'm involved with, they could change even more if I had an SO -
and even my plans for life could change with that... I don't fall in love
with people who have a totally differnt concept of morals, for example,
because I couldn't see them as 'good', but does this aleady constitute
compatibility?
Can anyone relate to looking only for the 'spark' in a potential SO?
Karin
Joseph Fok
In article <Pine.SUN.3.95.961125...@interport.net>,
dc...@interport.net says...
>
>
>What do you look for in an SO? Why?
>
If me, I tends to look for compatibility more than prize. The reason being
that prize is something that changes very easily. Prize to a certurn degree
is like prominence where it can just come and go. For example I did very well
in my high school and in HSC (I did come first in school and in the top 1% in
the state) but now as I am in uni, I would say I'm only in the
Credit-Distintion range which is about top 30%. Prize can change with
circumstances. A person can have a high ambition one day and the next day had
a bad day and lost all the motivation.
I can say that character of a person is very importance. If a person have a
good character, that person tends to have a good prize. Character as in the
way they look at life, how they react to daily curcimstances. I feel that
even if a person is not that bright, intelligent or smart, if that person
have a good character, that person is going to be a person person to be
with.I think that I am getting off track trying to answer your question.
What I mean is that for me I will look for someone who has a good character
which more or less mean compatibility.
This is what happened with me and my SO. At first I wasn't even looking for
someone at all. And than I saw that girl one day that I didn't notice much
before. I through it is going to be one of those crushes that I have every
now and then. But as I spent more time with her, I just felt in love with
her, with the person. The way she is, the character, which is how she handle
things. Never or less that we do have a very similar character. So I would
say that I'm looking for compatibility. The thing is that beside that we are
compatible to each other (that attract each other) we are attracted by each
others' 'prize' as well. For me I did found a 'perfect' SO who is every thing
that I look for in terms of compatibility and prize. So I would say that I am
very blesssed.
My point is that compatibility is the thing that keep the relationship
together. You can have a SO that have every talent in the world but in the
mean time is the worst tempered person in the world. When a hard time come,
there would be a big arqument and that would be the end of that relationship
(I felt that somehow related to your ex, sorry). Alternativly, with a couple
who have a relationship build on compatibility and characters. Doesn't matter
what happened or comes along there life, they can hold on to each other and
be strong.
Also I feel that becoming soul-mate is build upon on being compatible, able
to spend quality time together, understand each other and being commited to
the well being of the other person. I can't imagine being able to build that
sort of soul-mate realtionship base on just prize, because prize is not
eternal (or rather it dosen't last for long). I don't mean that having prize
in your SO is wrong, but seek first the compatibility and if prize come, it
is a blessing.
BTW I just wanna added that having a common vision (or goal) is a vital part
of a successful relationship. As it was spoken 'When there is no vision, the
people will perish.'
All the best to your SO hunting and I hope that I helped answer your
question.
Jo