Shaken
Eric Chen
She promised that she wouldn't leave my life. She promised that
communication would be open, no matter what we had to say. She knew me, I
thought, as well as I knew her. She lied, twice. Maybe I lied to myself,
too.
I took her promises to heart. I knew we'd need to work at our
relationship. We never had a 'magical' period where everything was
perfect. Well, we had a weekend. The potential was enormous, I thought and
still think, albeit falteringly, and we were taking the next step from
friendship. I was committed to do whatever it took to make our
relationship work. I had hope that she'd do the same.
I promised myself I wouldn't play games with her. I was better than that.
I'd make sure we were better than that. She was going to know what I was
thinking just as I was going to know what she was thinking. So, what
happens? She closes herself off after I open myself up.
Two things she has said to me have stuck with me and burned. When I
stopped glossing over the difficulties in my life to her, she said I
couldn't expect people to suffer with me. This was after months of playing
her therapist. Much more recently, she said she avoids people that upset
her. She's avoiding me. Yeah, I know. I've had huge warning signs along
every step of the way. When I commit to something, though, in this case
someone, I stay committed, even through the difficult periods. The
mistake, then, is that I committed to her. I'm stuck.
I have insecurities, which I fight hard every day. I have a sense of my
own worth, a faith in my abilities, but I draw on them through a haze of
doubt. It's a struggle. Because of her, my doubts are overwhelming me
right now. I _know_ I'm right. I know I took the right course of action.
I made mistakes, sure, but we were supposed to work through them, both of
our mistakes. It doesn't matter. I've lost her. That makes it worse. To
know I'm right, to believe wholly in what I'm doing and the commitment I
made and then to lose her. If I can be so sure and still lose so
thoroughly, how can I be confident of anything? She's causing me to
question my foundation, the core of who I am, and I hate her for it. I
_couldn't_ have been wrong, not on this one...but I was. Welcome, me, to
the world of doubt like I've never seen it before.
I know what she's thinking. I know how to read her actions. I wish I
didn't. Delusional blind hope seems awfully attractive right now.
Eric
Duane Morin
Eric Chen <dc...@interport.net> wrote:
>She promised that she wouldn't leave my life. She promised that
>communication would be open, no matter what we had to say.
Let me share a piece of advice that my first girlfriend was given by
her 98yr old South African grandmother: "Never always happens."
As in, "I'll never leave you", etc, etc, etc... Promises about the
long term future are killer.
>I'd make sure we were better than that. She was going to know what I was
>thinking just as I was going to know what she was thinking. So, what
>happens? She closes herself off after I open myself up.
In a scared, "Don't make me face things that I'm not ready to face"
way? Or in a frustrated, "Don't show me things I don't care about"
way?
>Two things she has said to me have stuck with me and burned. When I
>stopped glossing over the difficulties in my life to her, she said I
>couldn't expect people to suffer with me. This was after months of playing
>her therapist. Much more recently, she said she avoids people that upset
>her. She's avoiding me.
Sounds like she doesn't understand that relationships have to work
both ways. She's all about need - hers. After a few years of being
all give and no get, I came up with this little system. Perhaps it
will help:
A "need" is something that, without it, will cause a person pain or
unhappiness of some sort. A "want" is something that this person can
do without, but should they get it it would increase their happiness.
When conflict arises (she needs one thing, you need something else)
you simply have to do your best. With that in mind:
1) Take care of your needs first.
2) Take care of the needs of those around you.
3) Take care of other people's wants.
4) Take care of your own wants.
Perhaps you did like I did, and fell into the trap where you do
something like 2 3 1 4. Nope nope nope. That's a death spiral. The
way I've got them now is about survival - if it becomes too painful
for you to constantly give and give (#2,3) then you fall back to #1
and watch out for yourself - especially if no one else is going to do
it. If you're lucky, there'll be a person in your life who's playing
by a similar set of rules and can cover your back. But if not, you've
got to take care of yourself and not play the martyr. Otherwise you
won't be around to play another day.
Only after the needs have been taken care of can you worry about the
wants. I deliberately put my own wants after other people's, because
the way I see it I _want_ to make other people happy. Therefore
(without making my list too complicated!) I'm getting happiness by
fulfilling other people's wants the best I can.
The trick is recognizing the difference between wants and needs. Not
everything is a need, no matter how much she whines or begs. If
you've been over her house 5 times already this week, staying til 1am,
and you're thinking "Damn, I'm not getting enough sleep, and it's
making me late for work and I'm stressing out..." and she calls you up
and asks when you're coming over, where's the need and where's the
want? Now compare if she calls you out of the blue because her
grandmother died. Priority shift - she needs you.
The most painful situation I think I was ever in : It was about a week
after Jenn, my girlfriend of 3 years, had broken up with me. And I
was on my way out the door to go out with her and talk (for the first
time since). The phone rings - it's Karen, my ex-girlfriend of 2.5
years, who has just broken up with her boyfriend and wants to talk.
What do I do?! I had to go to Jenn - I *needed* that. Truly. I was
dying. Karen had other friends that she could call, but this may have
been my only chance. I still hate myself for having to make that
decision, but I stand by it - it's not always wrong to sometimes put
yourself first.
>Yeah, I know. I've had huge warning signs along
>every step of the way. When I commit to something, though, in this case
>someone, I stay committed, even through the difficult periods. The
>mistake, then, is that I committed to her. I'm stuck.
This is not a virtue, I'm afraid. Would it be a virtue for a battered
wife to say "I made a commitment to my husband"? Nope. To commit to
a deal, and then have one person back out of the deal, does NOT mean
that out of some sense of honor you have to stick to it long after the
deal is dead.
>I have insecurities, which I fight hard every day. I have a sense of my
>own worth, a faith in my abilities, but I draw on them through a haze of
>doubt. It's a struggle. Because of her, my doubts are overwhelming me
>right now. I _know_ I'm right. I know I took the right course of action.
>I made mistakes, sure, but we were supposed to work through them, both of
>our mistakes. It doesn't matter. I've lost her. That makes it worse. To
>know I'm right, to believe wholly in what I'm doing and the commitment I
>made and then to lose her. If I can be so sure and still lose so
>thoroughly, how can I be confident of anything?
It's not all about you - it's about the two of you. You can have all
the confidence you want in yourself, and it sounds like you held up
your end of the bargain just fine. She didn't. If you're saying that
you were right about her, too, well it appears that you weren't.
Sometimes the greatest learning experience is when you are able to say
to yourself "Man, I was wrong."
>She's causing me to
>question my foundation, the core of who I am, and I hate her for it. I
>_couldn't_ have been wrong, not on this one...but I was. Welcome, me, to
>the world of doubt like I've never seen it before.
You're redirecting onto her. Go ahead, hate her for a little while,
but ultimately you've got to look closer at yourself and stop blaming
other people. Everybody changes every day. Life is about experience.
You can't develop a core being and keep it without having experienced
everything that could shape it.
>I know what she's thinking. I know how to read her actions. I wish I
>didn't. Delusional blind hope seems awfully attractive right now.
Unfortunately, a little humility right now could be a good thing. I
used to say stuff like this a great deal. I can read minds. Know
what? I can't. At least not 100% of the time. Neither can you.
Because neither of us is perfect. And to hold yourself up to a
perfect standard when you know deep down that you don't really meet it
is killer. You're constantly saying out loud "I'm right I'm right"
but in your head you're saying "I'm wrong I'm wrong". Put me into a
depression. It's not fun, trust me.
Duane
Karen Ronan
Eric Chen <dc...@interport.net> wrote:
>I promised myself I wouldn't play games with her. I was better than that.
>I'd make sure we were better than that. She was going to know what I was
>thinking just as I was going to know what she was thinking. So, what
>happens? She closes herself off after I open myself up.
None of us really know what someone else is thinking.
>Two things she has said to me have stuck with me and burned. When I
>stopped glossing over the difficulties in my life to her, she said I
>couldn't expect people to suffer with me.
She's right...
>This was after months of playing
>her therapist. Much more recently, she said she avoids people that upset
>her. She's avoiding me. Yeah, I know. I've had huge warning signs along
>every step of the way. When I commit to something, though, in this case
>someone, I stay committed, even through the difficult periods. The
>mistake, then, is that I committed to her. I'm stuck.
You aren't stuck. She's broken the commitment. You're free.
The one good thing about breakups is that you start
questioning a bunch of stuff and in the long run, it helps
you immensely.
take care,
Karen
Eric Chen
On 20 May 1996, Karen Ronan wrote:
> None of us really know what someone else is thinking.
True. At least, until we all figure out the trick of the Vulcan mind meld.
But we can try to undersatnd each other.
I do know her very well. I have a very high success rate of predicting
what she does and how she reacts to things.
>
> >Two things she has said to me have stuck with me and burned. When I
> >stopped glossing over the difficulties in my life to her, she said I
> >couldn't expect people to suffer with me.
>
> She's right...
Right for her. I understand that. I like to surround myself with friends
who I can suffer with. I think with her I was blinded my feelings. We
don't share the same idea of friendship, so we're not friends.
> You aren't stuck. She's broken the commitment. You're free.
I am now. We had a bitter argument last night that was the end. It was a
long time coming.
>
> The one good thing about breakups is that you start
> questioning a bunch of stuff and in the long run, it helps
> you immensely.
I hope you're right. I guess I'll find out.
>
> take care,
Thanks.
> Karen
>
Eric