eText: Book III, Chapter 6
Sir Confused-a-lot
--------------------------------
The King of the Golden Hall
They rode on through sunset, and slow dusk, and gathering
night; the monotony relieved only by Giggly asking "Are we
there yet?" every five minutes. Gandalf allowed them only a
few hours rest after Lego-lass fell out of her sadle and was
almost trampled to death. The waxing moon sank in to the
cloudy west, an important point to remember should you wish
to draw up a table of moon positions to prove how wrong the
timing of the whole story is.
Suddenly, Slimshadė, being far more intelligent than normal
horses (and probably far more intelligent than anyone else
in the book) stopped and neighed. As the other horses
caught up (he was the fastest as well) Lego-lass, Aragon,
Giggly and Arwen got their first glimpse of The Golden Hall.
The source of the smoke and metalic noise was also
revealed. In front of the hill on which the Hall stood,
hundreds of Dunlending slaves were labourious turning the
spits to roast thousands of chickens of an enourmous
barbecue. A large sign above proclaimed 'Made by the
Metalwork Dept. of Isengard School for Boys'.
"Lo! It is the Great Hall of Medusald," cried Gandalf,
pointing, "called The Golden Hall because of the large
numbers of golden dandelions which you can see growing on
the side of the hill and out of the guttering."
"Dandelions!?!" exclamied Giggly "Am I to believe that
there is no actual *gold* involved any where?"
"No"
"None?"
"No"
Giggly fell silent.
"Speak, Lego-lass and tell us what you see." commanded
Gandalf.
"The same as the rest of you," Lego-lass responded over the
sound of Giggly's sobs "What did you expect? Its only 50
metres away."
"In that great building," Gandalf said, pointing at the
Hall, whose peeling paint and missing roofing tiles gave it
a less than grand look, "HeyHoDen, king of the Rohirrim hold
his courts."
The travellers rode up to the Hall. On either side they
passed ancient graves. "Those on the left are the tombs of
the kings, those on the right the tombs of the royal pets."
"I used to know a chant that would have been appropriate
now," said Aragon as they passed the tomb of Fuzzy, the
Royal Hampster, "but I've forgotten it."
"For that, you should all be truly thankful" muttered Arwen
under her breath.
Surprisingly, No-one came to meet them before they reached
the great (or shabby, depending on your point of view) doors
of the hall and dismounted, at which point an obese guard
wobbled up to great them.
"Bonjour!" cried Gandalf in greeting.
The guard looked blank. After a few seconds he let out
that great slogan of slobbish incomprehension: "Yer wha?"
"Bonjour, mon ami!" Gandalf persisted.
The guard turned to Aragon. "Is this bloke mad or summin?"
he asked.
Gandalf looked disappointed. "Don't you speak the noble
language of the Rohirrim?"
"Don't be stupid, mate. We gave up on that years ago. Who
wants a language where the verbs have so many forms no-one
can understand them, and the words are masculing and
femining?"
"Masculine and feminine" corrected Gandalf.
"Yeah, whatever. Hang on a minute, I'm sure there's
something I should have said before." He rummaged in his
pockets and pulled out a piece of paper. "Here we go. 'Who
goes there?'" He read, sounding important, or as important
as a fat man in rusty chain mail can.
"Tell us who you are first" demanded Arwen irritably.
"Okay, babe." Aragon winced on his behalf "I'm Hammy, the
Doorstop of HeyHoDen. Now you."
Gandalf answered. Aragon had been noticing with great
irritation how the wizard had assumed the role of leader.
"We are travelers from afar. I am Gandalf the mighty
wizard, and these are Lego-lass and Arwen, the beautiufl
elves" Lego-lass blushed, "and this is Giggly, the crafty
Dwerrow, and this is Aragon, some bloke who comes with us."
Aragon glared at Gandalf's large back, but remained silent.
Bide your time, he tought to himself, wait until he's asleep
one night, and then...
"Oh, I'd better let you in then. First you must lay down
your weapons."
" I will not lay down my sword" growled Aragon, "for it is
the sword of Elendil reforged, that was broken under..."
"Look I just want the weapon, not its life story" said
Hammy, souding bored.
"Just give it to him" whispered Gandalf "We haven't got all
day to argue with idiots."
Reluctently, Aragon laid down his sword. With it went
Giggly's axe and Lego-lass's bow. "I must request that you
leave your staff here, master Gandalf," said the guard.
"Idiot." Gandalf said, this time out loud, "Would you deny
an old man his stick?"
"The staff in the hand of a wizard may be more than a prop
for age. You could take somebody's eye out with that thing"
As Gandalf laid it agaist the wall, Aragon pulled faces at
him and chanted "Nyah nyah nyah-nyah nyah"
Arwen laid down her broadsword. "I must ask for the knives
as well, babe." said Hammy. Arwen Growled and laid them
down. "And the crossbow, and the morningstar, and the
axe..."
Gandalf, Aragon, Giggly and Lego-lass entered the hall,
leaving behind Arwen and her inumerable weapons. In the
centre of the enourmous hall there was a small square of
carpet, covered in empty crisp packets, chicken bones and
lager cans. On this sat a small armchair, a large sofa, a
coffee table and a strangely empty space.
"Greetings, HeyHoDen, King of Rohan" called Gandalf to
another fat man, this one, like Hammy, shabbily dressed, but
wearing a tarnished and sat in the armchair. On the sofa
was sat Eowynn (who winked at Aragon) and a short, skinny
man with greasy hair.
"I return your greetings on behalf of the king," said the
short man, "I am the chief of his counsellors, Grimey."
"So you are the one who some call Wormtongue"
"I am" Lego-lass noticed the wayin which his tongu
flickered in and out of his mouth as he talked. "Pray tell
me what business you have with us, master Gandalf, who some
call Stormcrow"
"Why do they call me Stormcrow?" said Gandalf, temporarily
distracted.
"For they say that wherever you go, bad news and trouble
follows"
"So why Stormcrow?
"I don't know! I didn't invent the nickname!"
"That is because you, Wormtongue, are to stupid to invent
anything."
"Do not be so sure, master wizard. It was I who invented
the Great Barbecue, which was made by Aruman as a gift to
us, and which feeds our people."
Aragon felt that he ought to have some part in the
coversation. "Why can't the king speak for himself?"
Both Gandalf and Grimey glared at him. "Because" said
Grimey "He is busy awating the invention of the television"
He indictaed the bare patch of carpet.
"But surely he can speak for himself" said Aragon. "And
where is Eonard?"
"The king spoke at last, in a deep, weary voice. "He has
been grounded, and sent to his room without any supper, for
suggesting that we go to war with our good friend Aruman."
"Friend?!? ARUMAN?!? What false notions have you put into
your good lord's head about that most vilainous of
headmasters?"
"See, lord, how the wizard comes here to corrupt us? I
say..." At that moment, Grimey stopped speaking. Gandalf
had produced a short black stick, white at the ends, from
under his cloak and was pointing it at Grimey. He muttered
something under his breath, and there was a flash of light.
If Gandalf had had is staff, no doubt the light would have
been enough to illuminate the hall. With his wand, however,
the flash was as bright as a torch when the batteries are
low.
"Ow!" cried Grimey, clutching at his foot. He lost his
balance, tripped over an old can of bitters, and fell,
hitting his head on a chair leg and knocking himself out
cold. Giggly curled over with laughter, and Eowynn and
Lego-lass applauded and cheered.
"Now I may speak to you, Lord HeyHoDen, with out the
interference of your slimy little servant. You must take
heart, for what he has told you is not always the truth.
Rise from that chair, and come and look upon your kingdom!"
HeyHoDen stood up, slowly and with great difficulty, the
chair groaning as the springs expanded once again.
"Eonard!" he cried, "come here at once!" A door opened at
the back of the hall and a tall, lanky man emerged, looking
sheepishly around. "Go and fetch my sword from Grimey's
chamber. I am going outside!"
"Why do I *always* have to get the swords?" Eonard moaned.
"Can't Eowynn do it?"
"Fetch me my sword, boy!"
"But dad..."
"DO IT!"
"Yes dad...mutter...mumble...mutter..."
"Too long have I listened to the lies of Wormtongue, as I
sat in my chair waiting for his television nonsense that he
said Aruman was working on. I will look out on my land, and
breathe the free air again."
"I was just going to sugest that," said Gandalf irritably.
He strode up to the doors. "Open. The Lord of the Mark
comes forth!"
"Who's Mark?" Lego-lass whispered to Aragon, who shrugged.
The door were slowly pulled open, to reveal a pile, now 7
foot high, of Arwen's weapons, with the warrior herself sat
on top.
"Look out over your land, HeyHoDen. All is not dark."
Cried Gandalf. "Evil broods in the east, but the greatest
threat come from Aruman. He plans to invade Rohan, fight
his way to Edoras and turn the great hall into a dormitory
for a new public school."
"Here's your stupid sword, dad," muttered Eonard, joining
them, "Hairygrim, or whatever you call it."
HeyHoDen ignored him. "Then we, the people of Rohan, must
cast off the slobishness in which we have lived, and go to
war to defend the non-selective comprehensive education
system of our fore-fathers! Fetch me that fool Hammy. We
must muster an army and head with all haste to Deem's Help,
the great fortress of our people!" But Hammy appeared to
have vanished. On closer investigation, it appeared that
every other soldier in the city had vanished, taking their
horses with them. Later, a note was found with 'Gone to
Dunharrow. Back after war has ended" scribbled on it.
Rohan would go to fight without an army.
The preparations that went on during the day were both
tiring and tiresome. The team of Dunlending slaves
disassembled the barbecue to carry it with them. After much
deliberation, and several particularly cruel ideas form
Eonard, who had been grounded many times as a result of
arguing with him, it had been decided that the best thing to
do was to lock Grimey in Edoras. Several hours were wasted
while Arwen, angry at having missed another vital scene,
re-secreted her weapons about her personage. A summoning to
arms was sent out, and when that failed Eonard was sent out
with a sharp stick (he wasn't trusted with a sword) to round
up civilains.
So the company that set off to defend Rohan was not an
army. It was a rabble. Due to the sudden dearth of horses,
Eowynn had to share horses with Arwen (who was busy thinking
of ways to join the battle without Gandalf noticing), Eonard
with Aragon and HeyHoDen with Gandalf. (Slimshadė *was* a
strong horse, Aragon mused as they rode. Those two men must
weigh 70 stone between them.) In front of them, they drove
hordes of farmers, armed with pitchforks, and smiths, armed
with pokers, like pigs to the slaughter. They had to turn
back once, when it was realised that Eowynn had forgotten
her make-up bag. But once four Dunlendings had been
assigned to carry the enourmous bag, they rode unhindered.
They rode to war.
-----------------------
Sir Confused-a-lot
Sir Confused-a-lot
has been omitted from this eText in an attempt to keep
casting costs low.
We apologise for any inconvinience this may cause.
-----------------------
Sir Confused-a-lot
Robert Brady
> Sorry it's taken so long to finish, but here it is.
> as well, babe." said Hammy. Arwen Growled and laid them
> down. "And the crossbow, and the morningstar, and the
> axe..."
Ace :)
> They rode to war.
--
I speak for myself, not my employer
William H. Hsu
>Sorry it's taken so long to finish, but here it is.
>--------------------------------
>The King of the Golden Hall
[snip fabulous cahpter]
>-----------------------
>Sir Confused-a-lot
HeyHoDen!
Fuzzy the Hamster!
Grimey!
Fabulous... absolutely top-notch!
Bravo, bravo, *BRAVO*, Sir Confy!
-Bill
Öjevind Lång
>Sorry it's taken so long to finish, but here it is.
>
>--------------------------------
>The King of the Golden Hall
>
[snip]
> "See, lord, how the wizard comes here to corrupt us? I
>say..." At that moment, Grimey stopped speaking. Gandalf
>had produced a short black stick, white at the ends, from
>under his cloak and was pointing it at Grimey. He muttered
>something under his breath, and there was a flash of light.
> If Gandalf had had is staff, no doubt the light would have
>been enough to illuminate the hall. With his wand, however,
>the flash was as bright as a torch when the batteries are
>low.
> "Ow!" cried Grimey, clutching at his foot. He lost his
>balance, tripped over an old can of bitters, and fell,
>hitting his head on a chair leg and knocking himself out
>cold. Giggly curled over with laughter, and Eowynn and
>Lego-lass applauded and cheered.
And so do I. Bravo!
[snip]
> The door were slowly pulled open, to reveal a pile, now 7
>foot high, of Arwen's weapons, with the warrior herself sat
>on top.
LOL indeed!
[snip]
> HeyHoDen ignored him. "Then we, the people of Rohan, must
>cast off the slobishness in which we have lived, and go to
>war to defend the non-selective comprehensive education
>system of our fore-fathers! Fetch me that fool Hammy. We
>must muster an army and head with all haste to Deem's Help,
>the great fortress of our people!" But Hammy appeared to
>have vanished. On closer investigation, it appeared that
>every other soldier in the city had vanished, taking their
>horses with them. Later, a note was found with 'Gone to
>Dunharrow. Back after war has ended" scribbled on it.
>Rohan would go to fight without an army.
All is clear now. This is the *true* reason the muster of Rohan went to
Dunharrow. Clapclapclap! Author!
Öjevind
David Sulger
"Sir Confused-a-lot" <SirC...@teunc.org> wrote:
> Sorry it's taken so long to finish, but here it is.
>
Not too bad, although I was hoping to see Wormtonge as a lawyer.
Arwen's pile o'weapons was kind of funny though, as well as making her
share a horse with Eowyn.
Now thee's just one more chapter to go. I've been waiting almost all
summer for this...
--Dave
Send e-mail to ds50.geo at yahoo.com
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Morgil
Sir Confused-a-lot kirjoitti viestissä <8srq2v$alg$1...@news5.svr.pol.co.uk>...
>Sorry it's taken so long to finish, but here it is.
>
>--------------------------------
>The King of the Golden Hall
This is absolutely great, but...
> "Speak, Lego-lass and tell us what you see." commanded
>Gandalf.
> "The same as the rest of you," Lego-lass responded over the
>sound of Giggly's sobs "What did you expect? Its only 50
>metres away."
I don´t know how, but you obviously stole this from one of my earlier
drafts to Chapter 2, where I wrote:
"Sharp are Elven eyes," said Aragon smiling.
"No, no. The Riders are right there next to us."
Now just how did you hack into my computer, Mister?!
Morgil
Marios Kallis
--
KiPPeR =)
"Sir Confused-a-lot" <SirC...@teunc.org> wrote in message
news:8srq2v$alg$1...@news5.svr.pol.co.uk...
Öjevind Lång
>where can i find the whole of the e-text (as far as it has got)?
At http://www.speakeasy.org/~ohh/book/
Öjevind
Menelvagor
We want the Fuzzy the Hampster chant.
Does this version of Rohan do the alliterative verse thing? Or are
they more into rap?
--
Menelvagor the Slayer of Kilobytes
"Satan fell by the force of gravity." -- G.K. Chesterton
Sir Confused-a-lot
> <snnp>
>
> We want the Fuzzy the Hampster chant.
>
> Does this version of Rohan do the alliterative verse
thing? Or are
> they more into rap?
I carefully avoided pardoying any songs/poems, as they would
have been so terrible no-one else would have wanted to be
associated with the eText. :-)
> --
> Menelvagor the Slayer of Kilobytes
>
> "Satan fell by the force of gravity." -- G.K. Chesterton
-----------------------
Sir Confused-a-lot
Sir Confused-a-lot
<snip>
> Not too bad, although I was hoping to see Wormtonge as a
lawyer.
Seeing as my knowledge of the legal profession is only
slightly better than my knowledge of the languages spoken by
the aliens on Planet Zog, this would have been absolutly
pathetic :-)
> Arwen's pile o'weapons was kind of funny though, as well
as making her
> share a horse with Eowyn.
>
> Now thee's just one more chapter to go. I've been waiting
almost all
> summer for this...
Sorry, I got it out as soon as I could.
> --Dave
>
> Send e-mail to ds50.geo at yahoo.com
-----------------------
Sir Confused-a-lot
William H. Hsu
>I carefully avoided pardoying any songs/poems, as they would
>have been so terrible no-one else would have wanted to be
>associated with the eText. :-)
Confy! That's the IDEA!
Frighten them into submission... into NON-submission, even...
Where's your sense of disturbedness?
:-)
-Banazir
--
Hey, is somebody making me cross-post to alt.religion.tolkienology?!
*htaerb peed sward*
BURN THEM!
Menelvagor
"Sir Confused-a-lot" <SirC...@teunc.org> wrote:
<snup>
> I carefully avoided pardoying any songs/poems, as they would
> have been so terrible no-one else would have wanted to be
> associated with the eText. :-)
Isn't being terrible the entire purpose of the e-text?:-] Certainly
it's what I aim at in the diary ....
Meneldil
"Sir Confused-a-lot" <SirC...@teunc.org> wrote:
<snip>
> So the company that set off to defend Rohan was not an
> army. It was a rabble. Due to the sudden dearth of horses,
> Eowynn had to share horses with Arwen (who was busy thinking
> of ways to join the battle without Gandalf noticing), Eonard
> with Aragon and HeyHoDen with Gandalf. (Slimshadė *was* a
> strong horse, Aragon mused as they rode. Those two men must
> weigh 70 stone between them.) In front of them, they drove
> hordes of farmers, armed with pitchforks, and smiths, armed
> with pokers, like pigs to the slaughter. They had to turn
> back once, when it was realised that Eowynn had forgotten
> her make-up bag. But once four Dunlendings had been
> assigned to carry the enourmous bag, they rode unhindered.
> They rode to war.
>
So Arwen Warrior Babe is going to fight! Yippee! After all :
What war is war, if Arwen be not by,
unless she comes, to send Balrogs to die,
and chop the head off any orc that's nigh!
Except I be by Arwen in the war
and see her whirl her heavy morningstar,
as eager as a tippler at the bar;
unless I fight by Arwen, Elrond's daughter
and watch her joyously engage in slaughter
trasking every fool who ever fought her;
unless I see her clad in shining mantle,
hacking and flaying in the thick of battle
scattering her foes like a herd of cattle;
unless she's there, standing at my right,
I haven't got the heart to really fight,
I'd sooner sing a duet with a barrow-wight.
- Meneldil
Öjevind Lång
[snip]
>
>So Arwen Warrior Babe is going to fight! Yippee! After all :
>
>What war is war, if Arwen be not by,
>unless she comes, to send Balrogs to die,
>and chop the head off any orc that's nigh!
>
>Except I be by Arwen in the war
>and see her whirl her heavy morningstar,
>as eager as a tippler at the bar;
>
>unless I fight by Arwen, Elrond's daughter
>and watch her joyously engage in slaughter
>trasking every fool who ever fought her;
>
>unless I see her clad in shining mantle,
>hacking and flaying in the thick of battle
>scattering her foes like a herd of cattle;
>
>unless she's there, standing at my right,
>I haven't got the heart to really fight,
>I'd sooner sing a duet with a barrow-wight.
Bravo! [Applause]
Öjevind
Sir Confused-a-lot
> "Sir Confused-a-lot" <SirC...@teunc.org> writes:
>
> >I carefully avoided pardoying any songs/poems, as they
would
> >have been so terrible no-one else would have wanted to be
> >associated with the eText. :-)
>
> Frighten them into submission... into NON-submission,
even...
> Where's your sense of disturbedness?
This is the sort of terrible which would make most of AFT go
mad with fear and spend the rest of their days living in
caves.
I don't want that on my conscience. :-)
> :-)
>
> -Banazir
> --
> Hey, is somebody making me cross-post to
alt.religion.tolkienology?!
> *htaerb peed sward*
> BURN THEM!
-----------------------
Sir Confused-a-lot
Morgil
Meneldil kirjoitti viestissä <8t715d$h0d$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>...
>
<snip>
>unless she's there, standing at my right,
>I haven't got the heart to really fight,
>I'd sooner sing a duet with a barrow-wight.
<snif> Beautiful!
Didn´t Beren sing something like that about Luthien?
Morgil
William H. Hsu
>So Arwen Warrior Babe is going to fight! Yippee! After all :
> [snip excellent song]
>unless she's there, standing at my right,
>I haven't got the heart to really fight,
>I'd sooner sing a duet with a barrow-wight.
Now, that CAN be arranged. :-)
Nayhow, many kudos for a job well done - and good usage of "trask".
-Banazir
--
And why aren't YOU a TEUNC yet?
William H. Hsu
Banazir>> Where's your sense of disturbedness?
>This is the sort of terrible which would make most of AFT go
>mad with fear and spend the rest of their days living in
>caves.
NOW you've whetted my appetite!
>I don't want that on my conscience. :-)
*I* do!
Goodness, do you realize how many eople have gone to criminal, even
murderous lengths to acquire the power you wield? Militant Luddites,
the Unabomber, the Appalachian Dunlendings... (You've never heard of
them? Why, they're even in Sauron's Diary!)
-Banazir, eagerly awaiting the next installment of Sauron's Diary
--
Let your conscience (me) be your guide...