Paulette's diary (12): frame-up/suicidal
Paulettec
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HARASSMENT DIARY, by Paulette Cooper (1982)
Part 12: Suicidal
My 1997 editorial comments are enclosed in [[double square brackets]].
Some paragraphing added currently
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I had become increasingly suicidal as time went on. I was in a rage
over the sense of injustice over what was happen [[being accused of a
crime I didn't commit and having to stand trial for it]] and things
just kept getting worse and worse.
There seemed to be nothing left except the agony of a public trial to
prove my innocence, with high publicity, and great embarrassment to me
and my parents. Even if cleared, I knew my life and career were
ruined. And the alternatives were even worse.
The night of my 30th birthday, [[...]] I was at my lowest, most
suicidal point. A number of other serious things had also gone wrong
that day.(1) I decided not to wait until the trial [[I had been
thinking of killing myself the night before]], but to save myself and
my parents any further agony.
I got riproaring drunk and started to write a suicide letter to my
parents, trying to explain to them that I simply could not take the
psychological pain any more. Fortunately, an old and close friend,
Lucy, called me to wish me a happy birthday while I was writing the
letter. And although I didn't tell her I was planning suicide, she
recognized that I was in a very bad state. She kept me on the phone
for hours, and finally calmed me down. I passed out from exhaustion,
alcohol, and valium.
I was aware that I was having a nervous breakdown. But I was afraid
to go to a psychiatrist because I knew that it could be brought out at
trial. (The government's contention was the people who send bomb
threats are insane might be reinforced by seeing a psychiatrist.)
I also would have benefited greatly if I could have gotten away, but I
couldn't. I had no money left, didn't think it fair to ask my parents
for more money in view of what they were spending in legal fees,[[*]]
couldn't ask for a free trip and write about it (as I had been doing
in the early '70's and am starting to do again) because writing had
become too difficult. [[I couldn't concentrate to write all that
year.]]
But mainly, I was on some kind of parole or probation before trial and
was not allowed to leave the state without the court's permission.
The notion of having to ask the government to even go to New Jersey
was so humiliating that I meekly stayed home.
[[Footnotes:]]
(1) First of all, Bob [[my boyfriend]] was supposed to see me on my
birthday, but had backed off. I knew he didn't want to be with me in
my state, and I was too far gone to be able to pretend to be happy,
which is what he always wanted me to do.
Secondly, my fourth book, "The Medical Detectives" which was later to
get rave reviews and win a special award, [[it received a Special Award
from the Mystery Writers of America which offers the Edgar Allen Poe award for
the best fact criime book]] had the first review come
out that day -- the only one of two bad reviews out of hundreds. I
thought that augured poorly.
I also turned 30 and was single which before women's lib [[...]] **
augured poorly.
[[1997 Footnotes:]]
[[*]] I believe the legal fees were ultimately $19,000 just to the main
lawyers -- which would be like aound $40,000 today -- and that the total for
all lawyers, tests, etc., was $28,000 -- in 1973 dollars.
And then my main lawyers sued my father and me to try
to get more money out of us! Bastards. (Indeed, one of my two main lawyers,
Charles, went on to defend Reverend Moon several years later.)]]
[[**A few of you may have figured out by now that I have consistently excised
any year in the diary that has my age on the same line. Sure, anyone can
figure out my age from this diary -- although those who've seen me assure me
that I don't look it at all <g> -- but since this diary is being archived, and
I am conducting writing business on the net with editors etc., who look me up,
I would rather not have my age be the first thing that they see.]]
Paulettec
I apparently dropped a few words here so I came back to clarify. The last
paragraph should have read that I didn't want my age *and the year in which
something happened* both on the same line, because it made it to too easy to
immediately figure out my age. These diaries are being archived in places
like dejanews, which may be read by editors I'm trying to get assignments
from, and I think being "over 30" can hurt you on the internet.