My long awaited Scientology story.
Tom of Helatrobus
http://seaorg.wind.prohosting.com
Your typical story. Boy meets Scientology. Boy falls in love with
Scientology. Boy says "What the hell is wrong with Scientology!" Boy
leaves Scientology.
Much Love, Tom
Psyborgue
anothers...@hotmail.com
wrote:
Good story -- told in a very engaging manner!
Another Surfer
hu...@mailinator.com
wrote:
"Ron explained that the clears didn't have perfect eyesight due to
causes rooted in previous lives and Dianetics didn't treat previous
lives. These root causes took much time and effort to track down and
treat. In fact, Scientology was used to treat them, rather than
Dianetics. As a result, very few clears had perfect eyesight.
In retrospect, I had made a critical observation and Ron had given a
wholly unsatisfactory response. Hubbard had made the claim that an
attribute of the state of clear was perfect eyesight. Yet clears
didn't have perfect eyesight. Therefore the claim was false. I didn't
pick up on it. Had I been more sophisticated I would have seen right
then and there that Dianetics didn't work as promised and might have
even extrapolated that Scientology probably didn't work either. "
What this means is that source can claim anything is possible, but
when it proves not to be possible, past lives are blamed. Therefore
Scientology promises never have to come true, because if they don't
there is a scapegoat.
Very well written. Have you posted it to exscientologykids.com yet?
Tom N
> leavesScientology.
>
> Much Love, Tom
Okay. You wrote a bunch of stuff. Now, unless you want to find your
audience limited to impotent anti-Scientology fanatics who will
believe
anything negative about Scientology, you need to produce evidence
that supports what you have said.
I say that you are lying about almost everything there. The burden
of proof is on you. Anyone can write fiction.
And anyone can prove that the typical anti-Scientology fanatic
lies like he/she breathes, using the posts on their very own
forums.
Tom Newton
Gianluca...@gmail.com
> I say that you are lying about almost everything there. The burden
> of proof is on you. Anyone can write fiction.
Right on the money, Tom. Yes, anyone can write fiction.... including
your beloved L Ron Hubbard, who wrote a lot of science fiction books
and texts
(Dianetics, OTIII - Xenu story etc etc ) disguised as a religion.
Tom of Helatrobus
> Okay. You wrote a bunch of stuff. Now, unless you want to find your
> audience limited to impotent anti-Scientology fanatics who will
> believe
> anything negative about Scientology, you need to produce evidence
> that supports what you have said.
>
> I say that you are lying about almost everything there. The burden
> of proof is on you. Anyone can write fiction.
>
> And anyone can prove that the typical anti-Scientology fanatic
> lies like he/she breathes, using the posts on their very own
> forums.
>
> Tom Newton
If you doubt the story, you obviously haven't been in the Sea Org. For
most people who have been involved in the Sea Org, the story will ring
true. I've read stories like my own and they have read true for me. I
do have communications, telexes and people, such as Donnie, who can
confirm some of the facts of the story. I have bills for freeloader
debts. I met with Donnie back in the mid 90's, he was out of the Sea
Org at that time. Of course, I have my marriage certificate with my ex-
wife and my occupation listed as "Scientologist."
Tom
Tom N
wrote:
> > Okay. You wrote a bunch of stuff. Now, unless you want to find your
> > audience limited to impotent anti-Scientology fanatics who will
> > believe
> > anything negative about Scientology, you need to produce evidence
> > that supports what you have said.
>
> > I say that you are lying about almost everything there. The burden
> > of proof is on you. Anyone can write fiction.
>
> > And anyone can prove that the typical anti-Scientology fanatic
> > lies like he/she breathes, using the posts on their very own
> > forums.
>
> > Tom Newton
>
> If you doubt the story, you obviously haven't been in the Sea Org.
I have seen no evidence supporting your claim to have been in
the Church of Scientology at all, much less Sea Org.
> For
> most people who have been involved in the Sea Org, the story will ring
> true. I've read stories like my own and they have read true for me.
There you go talking again, without providing any substantiation for
what you say.
This is the Internet, Fool. Anyone can say anything. All it proves is
that you can use a computer.
Sure, I know that there are disaffected ex-Sea Org people out there.
I also know that the overwhelming majority of Sea Org members,
past and present, do not belong to that tiny group.
>I do have communications, telexes and people, such as Donnie, who can
> confirm some of the facts of the story.
Donnie _who_? And was he ever in Scientology at all? Can he
prove it? Do you have any documents that can't be easily forged?
> I have bills for freeloader
> debts.
That would at least be a start. If they aren't something that can
be easily forged.
> I met with Donnie back in the mid 90's, he was out of the Sea
> Org at that time. Of course, I have my marriage certificate with my ex-
> wife and my occupation listed as "Scientologist."
That also would be a help, if you really were a Scientologist. Anyone
can write anything in that box on a marriage certificate. They don't
run checks on it.
> Tom
If you want to be taken seriously, you had better seperate yourself
from "Anonymous". They have less credibility than the sleaziest
tabloid in existence.
And are vicious, anti-Scientology bigots.
You will be tarred with that brush if you hang around.
Credible people who want to see reform in the CoS need to
form their own organization. That's quite clear to me.
Tom Newton
Tom of Helatrobus
If you were only this diligent about demanding proof from
Scientology...
Just because someone remembers a past life, doesn't mean they really
remembered a past life. They might have just imagined it. Where is the
proof?
Just because someone feels euphoric after a session doesn't mean that
they resolved psychological issues. Proof for this please?
Just because someone feels like they are more cause over life, doesn't
make it so. Where is the proof of OT powers? If you can give me some
real proof of OT powers, I'll start on steps A-E today.
But, we both know that you don't have any proof, do you?
Tom
Tom N
wrote:
> Mr. Newton,
>
> If you were only this diligent about demanding proof from
> Scientology...
I don't need any proof from them. I just think they have a right
to practice their religion without being persecuted.
> Just because someone remembers a past life, doesn't mean they really
> remembered a past life. They might have just imagined it. Where is the
> proof?
Just because someone imagines a supposed "primordial soup" on
the Earth hundreds of millions of years ago, that was supposedly
our original ancestor, doesn't mean there ever was one. It might
be just a poppycock theory. Where's the proof?
There have been cases of claimed reincarnational memories that
have been reasonably validated by diligent research. But mainstream
science won't touch the subject, because according to their unprovable
assumptions about the nature of reality, no such thing is possible.
> Just because someone feels euphoric after a session doesn't mean that
> they resolved psychological issues. Proof for this please?
Prove they didn't.
> Just because someone feels like they are more cause over life, doesn't
> make it so.
But that's a very good first step.
> Where is the proof of OT powers? If you can give me some
> real proof of OT powers, I'll start on steps A-E today.
You really are ignorant. If you believe that such things are not
possible, you either wouldn't perceive the displays of such 'powers'
or you would believe that trickery had been involved.
Have you never been hypnotized by a stage hypnotist and
repeatedly run into a wall you couldn't see because he
told you there was nothing there?
The power of the mind over perception is near absolute.
This has been scientifically established. There are libraries
of case studies available.
You don't sound like someone who has ever studied Scientology.
I seem to know more about it than you do. And I haven't.
I also know some very contented professional Scientologists.
Why are they content and you bitter?
>
> But, we both know that you don't have any proof, do you?
>
> Tom
I don't need to prove anything to you or anyone. But yes, I know,
from
personal experience, that there are people with amazing abilities out
there.
And I don't see why Scientologists at the upper levels couldn't
develop
such things too. They are natural abilities that people have been
cultivating for millennia or longer.
None of these people are clowns who will perform for people.
They don't give a fuck what anyone believes. People's beliefs are
their own responsibility. Nor do they care what the institution
of mainstream science believes. And neither do I.
As near as I can tell, the solid core of Scientological teachings are
just ancient and timeless wisdom adapted to the modern age, with
a whole lot of baggage tacked on.
Again: I am not a big proponent of Scientology. Only of the right
of the CoS to be free of persecution by fanatical bigots.
Fortunately, fanatical bigots have no credibility, and this
"Anonymous"
group less than most. They aren't a threat to the CoS, despite their
delusions of grandeur. Their dishonesty castrates them.
Tom Newton
Scientology is a cult
460e-860e-3...@b5g2000pri.googlegroups.com:
Excellent story, Tom!
--
Posted via a free Usenet account from http://www.teranews.com
hamburger helper
<hu...@mailinator.com> wrote in message
news:6fa9d8a4-7b4b-471f...@y24g2000hsd.googlegroups.com...
Agreed. You were, after all, so young. I read the whole thing in between
taking "housekeeping breaks." Amazing tale, and so engrossing. I almost
felt like I was there.
HH
Zinj
ESMB and, it's entirely credible and entertainingly told. You can
comfortably ignore Tom N, since, although it's *possible* that he's not
OSA (or a helper), he's certainly a 'troll' intended only to distract
from your story.
It stands on its own feet. Well done.
Zinj
--
Scientology may be the first 'religion' best comprehended by forensic
accountants.
realpch
Very nicely done.
Peach
--
Extra! Extra! Read All About It!
Save some dough, save some grief:
http://www.xenu.net
http://www.scientology-lies.com
Out_Of_The_Dark
Hi Tom! Glad to see you posting again and that you got the complete
story done! I look forward to reading it :)
Mary McConnell
Tom of Helatrobus
> from
> personal experience, that there are people with amazing abilities out
> there.
> And I don't see why Scientologists at the upper levels couldn't
> develop
> such things too. They are natural abilities that people have been
> cultivating for millennia or longer.
>
> None of these people are clowns who will perform for people.
> They don't give a fuck what anyone believes. People's beliefs are
> their own responsibility. Nor do they care what the institution
> of mainstream science believes. And neither do I.
>
> As near as I can tell, the solid core of Scientological teachings are
> just ancient and timeless wisdom adapted to the modern age, with
> a whole lot of baggage tacked on.
Mr. Newton,
You disappoint me. So you have no proof. What I wrote was a simple
story drawing on my life experience. I can provide some proof for
this. You, on the other hand, make extraordinary claims of super OT
powers and refuse to provide a scrap of evidence. Please give me
something to work with here. Have some Scientologist remember how a
space ship was constructed and draw up some blue prints, get an OT to
fly out of their body and tell me what is happening in an other room.
Please give me some modest proof for your extreme claims. I want to
believe.
Tom
phil scott
wrote:
You are quite a writer Tom, a valuable piece, gives rare insight into
the mess, i had no idea that some of the idiots trying to run my life
when I was a public scn were in such desperate straights, all I knew
was that something was really really wrong.... no clue from these
folks.
Phil Scott, public from 1974 to 1986
realpch
That guy you're replying to is not a Scientologist. He's just an
internet troller. Put him on ignore (killfile) and forget about him.
SaveXenu
wrote:
Tom
I read the whole story and I thank you for going into great detail.
More people need to know about the broken promises of this failed
money hungry cult
It is natural for the mind to believe and for the will to love; so
that, for want of true objects, they must attach themselves to false.
Blaise Pascal
Tom N
wrote:
> > I don't need to prove anything to you or anyone. But yes, I know,
> > from
> > personal experience, that there are people with amazing abilities out
> > there.
> > And I don't see why Scientologists at the upper levels couldn't
> > develop
> > such things too. They are natural abilities that people have been
> > cultivating for millennia or longer.
>
> > None of these people are clowns who will perform for people.
> > They don't give a fuck what anyone believes. People's beliefs are
> > their own responsibility. Nor do they care what the institution
> > of mainstream science believes. And neither do I.
>
> > As near as I can tell, the solid core of Scientological teachings are
> > just ancient and timeless wisdom adapted to the modern age, with
> > a whole lot of baggage tacked on.
>
> Mr. Newton,
>
> You disappoint me.
Glad to oblige.
> So you have no proof.
Trolls do love their word games.
> What I wrote was a simple
> story drawing on my life experience. I can provide some proof for
> this.
You'll have to do better than that if you are going to convince
individuals and organizations with real power to try to destroy
the Church of Scientology.
> You, on the other hand, make extraordinary claims of super OT
> powers
No. I have no such powers. I know people who have abilities that
you would call "OT".
> and refuse to provide a scrap of evidence.
How could I refuse to do what I haven't been asked to do?
You are just another fucking troll.
You posted something and expected everyone to believe it. But
any liar or headcase can post anything on the Internet, so that's
not a reasonable expectation.
But never-the-less, you freak out and become abusive when someone
asks you to substantiate what you posted.
-------------------------------------
To the trolls who have posted their usual childish crap on this thread
can rest assured that I'll never read it. I don't read 90%+ of the
posts
on this group because they are just shit.
I'm finished here, Tom. Don't expect me to read any reply to this
post.
We've both said all that needs to be said here.
Tom Newton
Lermanet.com Exposing the CON for over 10 years!
Dear Mr Newton,
If there were just ONE OT in scientology,
You would not have to post here.
and You would NOT be reading this line of text.
Regards
Arnie Lerma
See the TEN Steps out of Scientology
http://www.lermanet.com/cos/8steps.html
8 Steps out of Scientology
This page was cited from an article in the Guardian UK in 1997
Now renamed TEN Steps out of Scientology
IF Scientology is a bridge to OT levels of super dooper powers
why is this website here?
Title: 9 steps out of Scientology
Author: Arnie Lerma
Date: 31 Aug 1997 17:01:27 -0700
REVISED-1
I was in the cult and on staff for 10 years... here are the stages I
have seen... as one exits the 'Hubbardian' mind control program....
1) There is something wrong here, if this is so great, then
why is (______) going on?
[ insert whatever atrocity you have recently witnessed ]
2) The guys at the top must be crazy
3) Miscavige and crew are evil demons from another dimension
[ or something similar ]
4) Hubbard went crazy at the end .....
5) Hubbard went crazy in 1966
6) Hubbard was mad from the start.
7) This whole thing is a complete fraud
8) my god, its a criminal organization... with criminal convictions
all over the world... and it was only about money
9) realization that THERE ARE NO OT's THERE!
10) realizing, after leaving Scientology, this makes one an ex-nazi
and wanting to do something about it
preface: Try the following exercise - for current members of
Scientology:
this mental reboot' program is (c) Arnie Lerma
1) Consider that the 'mind' is programmable
2) Whose program are you running?
3) goto 1)
butterflygrrrl
wrote:
"Site Temporarily Unavailable - Daily Bandwidth Limit Reached"
Is anyone else getting that?
IslandGirl
I just tried it and got that, thankfully after I'd already accessed it
and read the entire story.
I LOVED the ending, worded something like "Freedom. at last, was only
a thought away." God, I know that feeling!
Hud Nordin
butterflygrrrl <butterf...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>On Mar 30, 7:06 am, Tom of Helatrobus <tomandsusan4e...@msn.com>
>wrote:
>
>"Site Temporarily Unavailable - Daily Bandwidth Limit Reached"
>
>Is anyone else getting that?
Got it just now. Didn't get it an hour or two ago.
Try again tomorrow. It's worth the effort. It's a good read.
(Tom of Helatrobus should consider making it available through other
means, so nobody has to do without, if even for a short while.)
--
Hud Nordin <h...@panix.com> Silicon Valley
anon7571
"butterflygrrrl" <butterf...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:227ff252-7b01-42ee...@u10g2000prn.googlegroups.com...
===========
Yes - I am getting it too.
anon7571
"Hud Nordin" <h...@panix.com> wrote in message
news:fspj2i$2o3$1...@reader2.panix.com...
Why not just post it to ARS?
Lermanet.com Exposing the CON for over 10 years!
> "butterflygrrrl" <butterflygrr...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
http://www.lermanet.com/exit/myscientologystory.htm
does that help?
regards
Arnie Lerma
Tel 703-241-1498
http://ocmb.lermanet.us/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=381
Support: http://www.Lermanet.com Exposing the CON
WE COME BACK
for our friends and family
to get them out of scientology
before they end up here:
http://www.whyaretheydead.net
butterflygrrrl
<ale...@verizon.net> wrote:
> On Mar 30, 10:56 pm, "anon7571" <a...@anon.org> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
> > "butterflygrrrl" <butterflygrr...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
>
> >news:227ff252-7b01-42ee...@u10g2000prn.googlegroups.com...
> > On Mar 30, 7:06 am, Tom of Helatrobus <tomandsusan4e...@msn.com>
> > wrote:
>
> > > Here is my long awaited Scientology story:
>
> > >http://seaorg.wind.prohosting.com
>
> > > Your typical story. Boy meets Scientology. Boy falls in love with
> > > Scientology. Boy says "What the hell is wrong with Scientology!" Boy
> > > leaves Scientology.
>
> > > Much Love, Tom
>
> > "Site Temporarily Unavailable - Daily Bandwidth Limit Reached"
>
> > Is anyone else getting that?
>
> > ===========
>
> > Yes - I am getting it too.
>
> http://www.lermanet.com/exit/myscientologystory.htm
>
> does that help?
>
> regards
>
> Arnie Lerma
> Tel 703-241-1498
>
> http://ocmb.lermanet.us/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=381
> WE COME BACK
> for our friends and family
> to get them out of scientology
> before they end up here:http://www.whyaretheydead.net
Thank you, Arnie!!!
:D
anothers...@hotmail.com
"Tom Newton" (who has posted on numerous newsgroups under many
aliases, one of which is apparently "Allan (or Alan) Connor) is a
known newsgroup troll and has lately had a lot of "lulz" posting here
on ARS.
He's proven in at least one post that he actually DOES have critical
thoughts about scientology (and that he actually IS quite intelligent)
-- but I don't feel like trying to wade through all his posts to find
it. Besides, I think it was under another alias (although he did sign
it as "Tom Newton").
Bottom line is that he is having a good time playing here. My
suggestion is to let him go (in terms of trying to respond to him).
When he is in this mood (which, as pointed out earlier is more often
than not), no common sense discussion or statements that "This was MY
experience in scientology" makes a dent -- he's just here to stir
things up. He invalidates people's personal experience with
scientology because it doesn't serve his purpose, which is to have a
good time trolling those who have been damaged by scientology and
those who feel empathy for them and speak out against scientology's
abuses.
Another Surfer
Zinj
<snip>
> (Tom of Helatrobus should consider making it available through other
> means, so nobody has to do without, if even for a short while.)
I doubt they can get this removed:
____________________________________
Promises of a Scientology World
Disappointments and Discovering the Reality Behind the Hype
Tom Weeks
March 30, 2008
I became agnostic at 17 after leaving Catholicism and then Christianity
altogether. Searching out a new path to truth and fulfillment, I found
Scientology - which offered a comprehensive package of total freedom in
exchange for total commitment. I dove headlong into Scientology and was
simultaneously swallowed up by it. I accepted that I was claiming the
benefits of my search for truth. The answers to every question I had
were answered. Hurriedly, I learned what ever I could. My universe was
expanding with every conversation and every page that I read. I felt
tremendously empowered and Scientology promised more, so much more.
The promises of a Scientology world were a world of adventure and world
of learning, the keys to fantastic power on a super natural level; a
utopian world of perfect people. Yet the reality of the Scientology
world that I saw was filled by misadventure, censorship and futile
efforts on the scale to make Scientology win for losing; there was no
utopia, just constant sacrifice to the dream of a Scientology world. And
that is this story - my story - a story of my observations and
disappointments with Scientology.
Scientology stories begins differently for different people. In my case,
it starts with me reading an article...
AN INTERESTING ARTICLE
I was reading a Karate magazine in the basement of my uncle's house when
I came across an article on Dianetics. A black belt was discussing how
he implemented Dianetics in his karate practice and explained the
benefit. I recall that he said, because of his training in Dianetics
that injury was less frequent. Once when he did get injured, Dianetics
helped him cure the injury in half the time.
This was in the year 1990. Commercials for Dianetics had aired on
television and were in recent memory. The typical commercial addressed a
problem in the form of a question and then gave a page number,
suggesting that the answer to the problem could be found on that page.
Following a series of such questions and page numbers was shown an image
of a volcano violently erupting then the cover of the book. "Dianetics
by L. Ron Hubbard" narrated a voice. Influenced by these commercials I
had bought a copy of Dianetics, but hadn't summoned the motivation to
read it.
Being impressed with the article in the karate magazine I picked up the
book and started reading. I was on summer vacation and I didn't have a
job so I made great time going through Dianetics. In the book the author
described a state he called "clear." This was an elevated state of
ability which could be achieved exclusively through use of Dianetics.
The state of clear was very appealing. On reaching the state of clear a
person would recover perfect eyesight, enjoy nearly perfect health and,
amazingly, have a perfect photographic memory of everything that had
happened in their life. Moreover the clear would enjoy greater mental
clarity and joy in life.
I was excited by the promises of Dianetics. Although I didn't have any
major problems in my life, I was open to making my life better and hoped
that Dianetics was going to give me a real boost in that area. My mind
would drift and I would fantasize about a day, coming soon, where I
would have a perfect memory, perfect health and a greater intellect than
I already had; wonderful, magical daydreams.
FALLING FOR IT HOOK, LINE AND SINKER
About half way through reading Dianetics I was became so intrigued that
I called a the Church of Scientology in St. Louis. I explained that I
was reading Dianetics and wanted to know more, I was connected to a
customer service person, who introduced himself as Ron (not Ron Hubbard,
by the way) and made an appointment for me to come visit their
facilities.
Imagining what the Church of Scientology would be like, I pictured a
professional, elegant building with a verdant garden courtyard and a
path with a large water fountain which I would be standing next to as
Ron told me about Dianetics. It seemed to me that a group of people with
perfect memories, great health and high IQs would have an exceptional
building.
Driving up to the building I found it exceptional in that it was
exceptionally disappointing. The Church of Scientology was a sparse,
small industrial building on a sparse commercial street. Steel letters
on the building identified it as the Church of Scientology but what
seemed most odd to me was a display of an unorthodox eight pointed
cross. Brushing aside my disappointment in the appearance of the
building, I parked the car and walked inside.
I met Ron, he was a well spoken 20 something, who sat me down next to
his desk for a discussion about Dianetics. I was excited to have such
access and to have my questions answered immediately and throughly!
I was very impressed when Ron demonstrated an e-meter to me. The device
consisted of a aluminum cylinders which were held in the hands and a
large meter bearing knobs and a display in which a needle swept from
side to side. The device seemed to pick up on emotions of distress.
Ron demonstrated the device by showing me what was called a "pinch
test." It consisted of having me hold the cylinders and pinching my arm,
then asking me to remember the pinch. The needle on the display of the
meter moved! It was as if the e-meter was reading my thoughts. To make
sure that Ron, himself, was not controlling the movement of the needle,
I exploited a moment while Ron was digging through his desk to remember
a memory of falling off my bike. The needle moved! The e-meter really
did work. It really was measuring mental distress.
At some point in the conversation my glaze began to wander over to the
books on the bookshelf. The title of one book, "Have you lived before
this life?" intrigued me. I began to steer my questions toward answering
the question of "have I lived before this life?"
Ron seemed to be taken off guard by the new line of questioning. He was
hesitant to answer when I asked him what happened before birth and
conception. "I don't want to scare you away by giving you too much
information too fast," he stated.
I assured him that I could handle it, I just wanted to know what
Dianetics had discovered.
Indeed we had lived before this life, he informed me. Before this life,
Dianetics technology had uncovered memories of past lives. He must have
been reassured due to my expression of joy and wonder because he
continued to fill me in on the history and nature of consciousness in
this universe.
He opened a book for me, the first sentence of the book read, "This is a
cold-blooded and factual account of your last sixty trillion years."
Now, I hadn't gotten out much as a teen, but now I could see the
mysteries of the universe being reveled to me. Now I was getting the
inside information. Ron poured open to me, he answered any questions,
soaking up my attention like a sponge. In a crash course in Scientology
he told me about the basic Scientology principles, past lives and the
ability to restore supernatural capabilities to those practicing
Scientology, such as the ability to bring the spirit out of the body,
telekinesis and telepathy.
The tone of the conversation turned ominous when I asked why
psychologist didn't use Scientology, as Scientology was so remarkable.
Ron informed me that L. Ron Hubbard attempted to assist psychologist and
psychiatrist with Scientology and Dianetics, but they didn't want the
assistance. They rewarded Hubbard's offers of assistance by attempting
to discredit Hubbard. Psychologist and psychiatrist didn't want to
patients to get well because these "sciences" were not about making
people well, they were about making people worse. And, worse still, they
operated under the full sanction of the government. And the government
was controlled, ultimately, by a hand full of wealthy men whose ultimate
goal was to enslave mankind. These wealthy men used psychiatry to
derange the minds of men, thus making them easier to control.
I actually got quite worried because I really believed it. I asked Ron
why these people who controlled the government didn't just walk in to
the Church and shoot the place up. Ron explained that those people
didn't work that way, they worked in such a way as to be undetected.
This eased my mind a bit, for a while there I felt that I was actually
in physical danger.
While discussing the abilities of Scientologist and who had gone past
the state of clear and were working on becoming clear as spiritually
beings, called Operating Thetans (O.T for short) , Ron pointed one of
them out to me. A red haired, older and confident women walked past the
desk and onto her business.
"She's wearing glasses," I observed.
"What do you mean," asked Ron.
"Well in Dianetics, it says that a clear doesn't need glasses because
they have perfect eyesight."
Ron explained that the clears didn't have perfect eyesight due to causes
rooted in previous lives and Dianetics didn't treat previous lives.
These root causes took much time and effort to track down and treat. In
fact, Scientology was used to treat them, rather than Dianetics. As a
result, very few clears had perfect eyesight.
In retrospect, I had made a critical observation and Ron had given a
wholly unsatisfactory response. Hubbard had made the claim that an
attribute of the state of clear was perfect eyesight. Yet clears didn't
have perfect eyesight. Therefore the claim was false. I didn't pick up
on it. Had I been more sophisticated I would have seen right then and
there that Dianetics didn't work as promised and might have even
extrapolated that Scientology probably didn't work either.
I just lacked sophistication and critical thinking skills for sure and
maybe I was so caught up in wanting the claims to be true that I lost
any objectivity that I did have. Excited as I was on the prospects of
Scientology, I didn't want a little inconsistency to stop me from
benefitting from this wonderful new discovery.
I learned a few other things, Scientologist smoked cigarettes because
the root causes of cancer could be prevented with Dianetics and
Scientology. Also, the Republican ideology was more consistent with
Scientology than the Democratic ideology. "Maybe I've been wrong this
whole time," I thought to myself, having been more of the democratic
persuasion.
TURN ON, TUNE IN, JOIN STAFF
Having learnt of the capabilities of the e-meter, past lives, the state
of OT and the international psychiatric conspiracy to enslave mankind I
knew I had to get involved.
Ron took out a price list and rattled off some courses and their cost.
The prices ranged from hundreds of dollars to thousands of dollars. They
were wildly out of my price range either way. Books and correspondence
course were about the only thing that I could afford and even those were
expensive. But I couldn't get clear and then move on to O.T. by reading
booking, I would have to undergo the Scientology processes at the Church
to make real progress. It was disheartening, for a second there I
thought I would have to wait until I got settled into a good job before
I could move forward.
Then Ron provided me with, what I thought, was a golden opportunity.
"Well, there is another option," he said. You could join staff and that
way you would be able to take your classes for free.
That sounded quite interesting to me.
Ron explained the terms of employment, there was a four year contract
involved and my pay would be a percentage of the gross income of the
Church . That percentage would increase with my training and level of
authority. I could also get commissions based on getting others to take
classes.
My initial reservation was that hadn't finished high school. Perhaps I
should wait to join staff pending graduation from high school.
"Why wait," Ron responded. Ron explained that he had gone to college and
had learned infinitely more in studying Scientology than he had in
traditional schools. The argument was quite effective as I admired Ron's
intellect.
Before joining staff, I would have to take a personality test called an
OCA. The test posed questions of my behavior such as did I ever read bus
schedules for fun? and did I fidget when I was nervous? There were a
hundred such questions. Once I was done, Ron took my answer sheet away
and returned with a computer printed graph. Ron summarized that the
graph looked okay except for one area, which was a real problem. I
tensed up for a bit, thinking the problem might stop me from being hired
on to staff . Ron seemed disappointed with the dip in the graph but told
me I not to worry. Scientology could help out with that during my
training for staff.
Ron and I finished the application process and Ron told me I would have
to affirm a series of statements with the e-meter.
Moving deeper into the interior of the Church, I sat down, held the cans
of the e-meter while asked questions such as "Have you ever been a
member of the communist party," and "Are you a criminal or wanted." I
had do problem with the questions and the Church (and the e-meter) had
no problems with my answers. I was hired.
I drove home that night, windows rolled down, letting blow in the warm
and humid Missouri night air. I didn't feel so much as I was on the road
home though. I felt that I was finally and luckily on the road to total
freedom. It was the best road and the only meaningful road. I was on the
road to my destiny and the warm and humid night air felt magical and
exhilarating.
THE SCIENTOLOGY STAFF BOHEMIAN LIFESTYLE
The road to total freedom was not a luxurious road for those on staff.
The pay was not enough to get by on and the hours were long. The day
started around nine o'clock and went until ten at night. We worked
everyday except Sunday.
The pay was horrible, far below minimum wage and hardly enough to live
off of. But staffers employed survival skills to get by. One staff
member would buy a huge tub of peanut butter and keep him self nourished
that way. I saw another staff member paying for cigarettes with nickels
and dimes which he scrapped together. In passing I heard Randy, a fellow
staffer, say that he was unable to look his landlord in the eye,
presumably as he was having a hard time with rent.
I had it some what lucky since I was living with my Uncle and Aunt and
could eat out of their fridge and cupboards. The down side was that my
Uncle's house was far from the Church and gas money was becoming an
issue. Once I allowed my gas tank to get too low and ran out of gas. I
had to use a gas can to get some fuel from a gas station.
Money aside, life seemed exciting, Being on staff hardly gave me enough
money to afford the gas I needed (even at 1990's prices), but
Scientology was the only thing I was interested in. It was my only
interest. Studying Scientology, working at the Church of Scientology or
even talking with people in the Church of Scientology was thrilling. I
couldn't get enough of it. Money didn't matter all that much since
everything I seemed to do was fun.
The first part of the day I spent in the class room, quietly reading
policy written by Hubbard or recorded lectures of Hubbard speaking. I
would take lunch and hang out with the staff and then go to work. The
work wasn't difficult. I would do things like stuff envelops, answer the
phone, hand out personality test on the street and a broad array of
activities geared to getting people interested in coming to the Church
to take a course. Much of the time I could chat with co-workers while
working.
DON'T LET HIM LEAVE
I was sitting in the desk next to the main entrance when fellow staffer
Randy hurriedly approached me and pointed out a man sitting in the
classroom. We could see the man through the class doors, he looked
annoyed. He was also the only person in the classroom. "Don't let him
leave," commanded Randy.
"What? What do I supposed to do if he tries to leave?"
"Just don't let him leave," Randy cautioned. He went away as quickly as
he had come, leaving me to stand guard.
I was confused and since the man wasn't trying to leave at present, I
tried to come up with a plan to execute should he try to leave. I
imagined myself jumping up and blocking the door with my body, thus
blocking his exit. That might make him even more annoyed. I imagined
that I might run up next to him and tell him not the leave. He was a
customer though, not a staff member, I couldn't order him around. I
figured that best thing to do was a combination of the two, physically
blocking him in part, while trying to convince him to say. If I failed,
then I could at least say that I tried.
At another level, "Don't let him leave" sounded like something people
said in cults. I was committed to Scientology, but how far would I be
justified in going to stop this man from leaving. I thought the
Scientology tech would handle all these kinds of problems. I wasn't
expecting to have to deal with stopping people from leaving when they
wanted to leave.
Luckily for me the man didn't try to leave and I didn't have to try to
stop him.
It turns out that the man had grown dissatisfied with course and wanted
a refund. Since he was one of the very few customers that the Church
had, we had to get him to stick with the course, as giving out a refund
would have hurt us severely. The executive director (general manager) of
the Church got an O.T. (A high level Scientologist) to come and convince
the disgruntled customer to stick with the class.
The O.T. must have had a profound impact on the customer because in a
brief exchange with the customer before he left and he told me he felt
fantastic and was excited to continue with Scientology.
ESTABLISHING AN LRH PRESENCE
In a period of idleness, I sat at a desk looking at a bust of LRH which
stood across the room from me. I can't say what possessed me, perhaps my
iconoclastic tendencies or maybe sheer boredom, but I rose from my desk,
removed my tie and placed it around the neck of LRH.
I thought I had been alone, but Steve and Randy materialized out of some
adjacent spaces. "Take that off of there," said Steve hurriedly.
Sensing the faux-paux I expediently removed the tie from the bust.
"Don't do anything to desecrate an image of LRH," Steve instructed.
Randy eyed me with a mixture of suspicion and hostility. "Yeah, don't
put your tie on the bust. You sacrilegious..." he stopped mid-sentence
at a loss for words.
I timidly tried to explain that I meant no disrespect. I was just
fooling around. So soon everyone went back to where they came from and I
slunk back to my desk thinking that Hubbard was taken more seriously
around here than I had been led to believe.
Later Steve brought me a bulletin written by Hubbard dealing with images
of Hubbard which instructed that images of himself should be placed
around the Church to establish an "LRH presence." Also, as Hubbard was
the founder of Scientology, any disrespect shown towards an image of
Hubbard was unethical in that it showed disdain for Scientology.
I hadn't expected Randy to call me sacrilegious. It was as if images of
Ron were treated as sacred objects. I was expecting a more casual
atmosphere, not something so uptight. But when it came to images of Ron
or comments about Ron, blasphemy was not tolerated and violations would
be met with the swiftest rebuttal, as I myself had found out.
The veneration of Hubbard went further. In every Scientology
organization, there was an office of LRH, just an empty furnished office
that no one ever entered and at the end of classes, the class would
stand up and lead by the supervisor, applaud an large portrait of
Hubbard and cheer. No one used the word worship, but in practice we did
worship him.
KICKED OUT OF THE HOUSE
For the first few weeks while I was employed at the Church of
Scientology, my uncle and aunt, who I was living with, were away on
vacation. When they came back I had to give them the news about my
joining the Church of Scientology and dropping out of school.
I think they would have been fine with it actually, had it not entailed
me dropping out of school. But my dropping out of school was a big deal
and my Aunt wouldn't let it go with out an argument.
The whole debate was a total mess. I keep trying to explain what
Dianetics and Scientology were about and they were so deeply entrenched
in the real world that it was hopeless. I started talking about the
whole thing about past lives and it just perplexed them. My Aunt began
to openly speculate that Scientology got its money from running drugs.
It was a mess, an utter mess.
The problem was that they had no idea of what I was talking about. They
knew nothing about Scientology and were completely out of their depth
trying to talk me out of something that they knew nothing about. They
had no idea of how to make a counter argument. The whole thing totally
blind sided them, one day they're on vacation, the next day they find
out about Scientology, the hard way.
A funny thing happened in the argument. A guest who my Uncle invited
back from Pennsylvania injected into the conversation. I was making the
point that I would be financially okay working in the Church (a relative
statement, to be sure) and he asked me about the cars in the staff
parking lot. He pointed out that by looking at the cars in the staff
parking lot, I could tell the financial condition of the people who
worked there. That made me think. Most of the staffers didn't have cars.
The ones who did have cars didn't have very nice cars. I never answered
his question.
My Aunt was actually quite reasonable, she told me that I could go back
to working at the Church once I finished high school. But if I didn't go
back to school, I couldn't live in the house.
I left the house. I know my Aunt and Uncle were hurt by it, and I didn't
hold it against them for a minute. I always understood what they were
trying to do. I never broke off communication with them even if they
disagreed with me about Scientology.
I drove to my Mom's house, who conveniently enough lived much closer to
the Church of Scientology. She let me stay and wasn't so concerned that
I dropped out of school as she believed I would lose interest in a year
or so and return to school then. She had been a Catholic nun for a short
while when she was my age. Eventually she lost interest in the religious
life and left the convent. She was convinced I'd be the same way.
Actually she was right.
When I showed up for work the next morning, I didn't tell anyone about
being kicked out to my uncle's house. In the short time I had spent in
Scientology I learned not to speak bad news, it was part of the
Scientology philosophy and ethos. I felt a pride in suffering in
silence. When my co-workers saw me the following morning and asked me
how I was doing, I answered, "great!" I was all smiles and good news.
WORKING IN THE HUBBARD COMMUNICATION OFFICE
Being a permanent staff member, I was appointed to an post in the
Hubbard Communication Office. The qualifications to work in the HCO were
more stringent then for other post in the Church. One of the big
qualifiers was that I had never used any drugs at all. Working in HCO
also gave me some extra authority, for instance, according to my
reading, HCO personal were the only people in the Church who could
authorize the use of physical force in a confrontation. Also they were
sort of like the police of the Church, they enforced the rules of the
Church on the staff and were privy to the ethics files of all the staff
members.
I was hopelessly under qualified and under educated to have any job
except flipping burgers. When Mary, my boss, told me that I would be
working with ethics, I replied, "I'm very interested in ethnics." Ron
and Mary looked at each other and I knew I said something stupid. At the
time, I was vaguely familiar with "ethics," but I had read about
"ethnicity". I was confusing the two. But Mary seemed to think I could
handle the responsibility of working with ethics, even if I didn't know
the correct pronunciation of the word itself. I took the job, determined
to learn as much as I could and be the best "ethnics" person ever.
My exact title was Personal Procurement Officer. I was the recruiter for
the Church of Scientology of St. Louis. And I did find it odd that I had
just been recruited myself and here I was trying to recruit people.
I did get a short course on how to recruit from the outgoing Personal
Procurement Officer. I never knew why she was leaving and I thought it
would be rude to ask. She did, however, make some time to show me how
the job was done. It was a ten minute crash course and it was entirely
conversational, no reading from policy volumes involved, which was rare
for any sort of Scientology instruction.
She told me that I should focus my efforts on recruitment on people who
came into to the Church of Scientology for courses and services. These
people were already Scientologist or where already interested, they knew
Scientology worked so they didn't need to be "sold" on Scientology
itself, as they had already "bought" it. We did some role playing in
which I pretended to be a student on break and she played the recruiter.
I sat down on a chair and she walked bye, sat down next to me and
introduced herself to me. "Hello, I'm the recruiter here and I was
wondering if you knew about the privileges of being on staff?" went the
introduction.
This was the gist of what I was supposed to do. Contact people
interested in Scientology and tell them about the opportunity of joining
staff. As we had limited time together, the issued of handling certain
considerations keeping people form joining and closing the deal never
came up.
I never did recruit anyone. It wasn't so much for lack of trying but the
job didn't have much to offer in the line of pay. It wasn't an appealing
job for a person not interested in Scientology, nor was it very
appealing for a person interested in Scientology. That and I didn't
spend much time in the HCO, soon I saw I was offered a new opportunity.
RECRUITED FOR THE SEA ORG
The recruiter became the recruited.
Some weeks later I was sitting at my desk, thinking about how I was
going to recruit some people when Steve, the Executive Director of the
Church walked by and asked to speak with me in his office.
Sitting in Steve's sparse office, he in his chair and I in the chair
across the desk, Steve asked me if I knew what the Sea Org was.
I replied that I did know what it was. It was a higher echelon of
command in the Church of Scientology.
Steve began to fill me in on some details of the Sea Organization. He
informed me that in the Sea Org, you were provided with meals, housing,
some spending money (about $20 and week) and a uniform. Sea Org members
got two weeks of vacation a year and one Sunday off every two weeks. Sea
Org members receive daily training in Scientology and don't have to pay
for auditing. Steve then asked me if I had any questions.
"Do you want me to join the Sea Org?" I asked.
"Yes," Steve answered.
"Okay." I smiled. The Sea Org sounded perfect for me.
Steve told me that to join the Sea Org I would have to sign a billion
year contract. "Now the contract isn't legally binding," he said. "We
would have a hard time trying to get a billion year contract to stand up
in court, but it's more of an honor thing," he assured me.
That didn't concern me, I just wanted to sign the contract as fast as I
could before he got the chance to change his mind. I fully intended to
serve out the full length of the contract. I was in love with
Scientology and now Scientology had just asked me to marry it. I wanted
to live in Scientology, to serve Scientology, I wanted Scientology to
take me in its arms and have its way with me and not just till death,
but till the next billion years.
In signing the contract I took an oath which read as follows: I, Thomas
Weeks, DO HEREBY AGREE to enter into employment with the SEA
ORGANIZATION and, being of sound mind, do fully realize and agree to
abide by its purpose which is to get ETHICS IN on this PLANET AND
UNIVERSE and, fully and without reservation, subscribe to the
discipline, mores and conditions of this group and pledge to abide by
them.
THEREFORE, I CONTRACT MYSELF TO THE SEA ORGANIZATION FOR THE NEXT
BILLION YEARS.
Steve read the oath and I repeated it with my right hand raised. The
ceremony took place in the privacy of his office, door closed and only
one other witness present.
A whole new world was opening up to me.
Steve told me that I was to go to go to Los Angeles immediately. The
deal with the Sea Org was that I had to get to Los Angeles on my own and
once there, the Sea Org would take care of everything else. So on
Steve's suggestion on I gave him the title to my car and he bought me a
ticket to Los Angeles. He told me I would be landing LAX, one of the
biggest airports in the world. Once I got there, there would be Sea Org
members waiting for me to drive me to the Sea Org Western United States
headquarters.
Steve told me that there was a lot of buzz and excitement at the Sea Org
because of my recruitment. "In fact they're probably making confetti
right now to celebrate when you come."
I imaged being showered with confetti and welcomed with cheers as I
walked into the offices of the Sea Org. I didn't like attention that
much, but still it was a nice idea that I was so wanted and welcomed.
From what I had heard about the Sea Organization was that it was an
organization created by L. Ron Hubbard himself to disseminate
Scientology world wide. The Sea Org was a no nonsense, snap and pop
operation. More so than any organization, the Sea Organization used the
system of ethics, administration and technology outlined by L. Ron
Hubbard. The Sea Org was the manifestation of Scientology, that is a
pinnacle of perfection and efficiency. Sea Org members were the most
productive people on the planet. They held a reputation in the
Scientology community of being incredibly focused and amazingly quick to
get results.
I'm making a conscience effort here to build up the repute of the Sea
Org, but in even making I conscious effort, I don't think I'm doing
their reputation justice. Perhaps the reason for that is there is a
level of supernatural ability expected of the Sea Org as L. Ron
Hubbard's technology eventually restored super natural powers. Sea Org
members were reputed to able capable of getting results only dreamed of
by others.
Once in the Sea Org, they would train their intention toward me and turn
me into a Sea Org member. I would learn to be a no nonsense type of
character, spreading Scientology and learning Scientology at the same
time. Thus I would do well and be well at the same time.
RECRUITING A REPLACEMENT
Before I could be allowed to go to the Sea Org, it was proper that a
replacement for me at the St. Louis org would be recruited. Steve told
me to get to work on recruiting my replacement.
Having no real leads to work from, I took a box of 3x5 cards on which
was information about people who had taken a class or bought something
from the Church. I started cold calling the phone numbers on those cards
and telling the people that the Church of Scientology was now hiring. I
tried not to sound too desperate, but I was really concerned as to how I
was going to pull off recruiting someone for such a low paying job.
After an hour or so, Steve walked by and told me that the "cycle of
action" I was engaged in wasn't very realistic and too follow him.
"Okay." I jumped up and followed him into his office. I was very
relieved to hear someone tell me that what I was doing was unrealistic
because I felt it was unrealistic.
Steve knew of a potential replacement, he would call her in and try to
sell her on taking the position. He wanted me to help though. He told me
was her "button" was that she liked to help people and that was the
button we needed to press. I was to really emphasize that if she would
join staff to be my replacement, that would really help me a lot, and it
would help Scientology and the world a lot.
The woman came in and Steve and I made a point to tell her how she could
really help, we pressed her "button." I did feel that we were taking
advantage of her good nature, but if that was how things were done then
I assumed that it must have been for the best.
She had pressing bills and refused in the least assertive way she could,
to join staff. She never helped us. I but it wasn't for lack of us
asking for her help. In the end, it was decided that I would go to the
Sea Org with out a immediate replacement. Steve would work on it after I
left.
THE SUPREME TEST AT THE AIRPORT
On the night before I left for L.A., I conversed with girl named Jade in
the parking lot about joining the Sea Org. Jade had been spent much time
around the Sea Org as many members of her family were in the Sea Org.
She told me that some times things had been tough when she there and
some days they had only lettuce leaves to eat. Still she eventually
wanted to join, but said that her parents wouldn't let her as she was
only around 15.
I was only slightly disturbed about what she had told me about times
being hard and having only lettuce leaves to eat because I thought she
had to be exaggerating on some level. I had heard too many good things
about the Sea Org and only this one negative thing. I figured that it
probably made perfect sense, but I wasn't getting the whole story.
Regardless, she had a high opinion of the Sea Org overall and I was too
close to my adventure to call it off now.
Having told my family of my new opportunity, I packed a truck full of
clothes and let them know I that I would be in touch. Dressed in nice
blue suit and white shirt that I owned I set out to make a good
impression. Steve told me as we drove to the airport to take my copy of
the book Dianetics and hold it up after I got off the plane so I could
be spotted by the Sea Org members who would be waiting for me at the
gate. Steve walked with me to the boarding gate and soon I was airborne
on my way to L.A.
I disembarked from the plane holding my copy of Dianetics. Once at the
gate I stopped, held up my copy of Dianetics in such a way as to make it
conspicuous and waited.
Nothing. I couldn't see that anyone was looking for me. No one walked up
to me and asked my name. After waiting a few minutes I decided to go to
baggage claim and pick up my trunk. Once again I made a conspicuous
display of my paper back copy of Dianetics. The cover of the book
depicted a erupting volcano and was bright with red and orange - it
would be hard not to see. No one, however, approached me. I waited more.
I wandered out side into the warm L.A. summer air, seeing the palm trees
and blue skies. Yet the mood was a bit dampened with concern as to where
my counterparts were. I was supposed to be met at the gate. My coming
was supposed to be greatly anticipated and celebrated with confetti and
cheers. But I saw only indifferent people going about their daily
business. Was it possible that the snap and pop, super naturally capable
Sea Org had left me stranded by sheer incompetence at an international
airport? Was their some other explanation? I began to ponder the
situation.
From what I heard about the Sea Org and the reputation they held, I knew
they didn't make mistakes. So the problem couldn't be the Sea Org. Also
I looked back on what had happened and saw that I had done every thing
right. Based on these observations I came to the conclusion that what
was happening was a test. I was being tested by the Sea Org. It was the
obvious answer to what was going on.
L. Ron Hubbard said that the "supreme test" of a person was their
ability to "make it go right." Scientologist constantly made reference
to this as it was a very popular saying. I figured that as I was joining
the Sea Org, they wanted to see if I had the right stuff. They wanted to
see how I measured up against a "supreme test" and "make it go right."
I thought to myself the Sea Org members sent to pick me up knew were I
was right now and were, in fact, watching me from a distance with a pair
of binoculars as they sat in an air conditioned car or standing by a
phone booth conducting themselves in an upmost professional manner. As
this idea occurred to me I leapt into action. I would demonstrate to the
Sea Org that I did have the right stuff, I could measure up - at least
enough to be worth the effort.
In the back of the book, Dianetics I found a telephone number. While I
wanted the telephone number for the Continental Liaison Office of the
Western United States, not seeing it I decided I should call the
Advanced Organization of Los Angeles. A pay phone was a few feet away
but I didn't have any money at all, not even the change for a phone
call. This is where I could "make it go right." So I looked around and
noticed that carts could be returned for a deposit of 25 cents and that
was all I needed for a call. I found a cart, wheeled it back, pushed it
back into the vending machine and took out the coin.
"Pretty industrious," I thought to myself. I imaged the Sea Org members
who were spying on me from afar making notes in their notebooks and
smiling at each other.
Picking up the phone, I dialed the number and when the voice at the
other end of the phone spoke, "Advanced Organization of Los Angeles," I
introduced myself and informed them that I had just joined the Sea Org
and was stranded at LAX.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed a man's voice on the phone. The voice was nervous
and worried, "Okay, I'm going to get you in touch with someone who can
help you here. Hold on here. Sorry, this isn't the first time this has
happened. This has happened before. Hold on..." He must have put the
phone down to make a call on other line.
My heart sank as I realized that my being stranded at the airport wasn't
a test, or even a "supreme test." There were no Sea Org members
evaluating my performance from afar. I really was alone and if I hadn't
made the call they never would have found me.
The man's voice came back over the phone. "Hello, okay I'm going to
transfer you to some one who can help you. If you get disconnected call
back, collect if you have to."
Another younger voice came on the line and he explained that some Sea
Org members were sent to pick me up but they were late and when they got
to the gate I wasn't there. They had also had the word passed for me
over the airport intercom, but I guess I hadn't heard it. At some point
they decided to just leave and go back to the complex, which seemed out
of character from what I had understood about Sea Org members. They
hadn't stayed to make it go right.
The young voice told me to get a cab and tell them to take me to the
horse shoe at Church of Scientology.
"The horseshoe at the Church of Scientology? Don't they need an
address?" I asked.
"No, everyone knows where we're at. Just tell them the horse shoe at the
Church of Scientology and they'll know where to go. Once you get here,
we'll pay for the cab fare."
WHERE IS THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY?
Hanging up the phone, I hulled my truck to the cab stand, peeked into a
cab and said, "I need to go to the horse shoe at the Church of
Scientology."
"Where is that at?" asked the driver.
"I don't know," I responded, "The guy told me that everyone knew were it
was at. He told me to say 奏he horse shoe at the Church of
Scientology'."
She indicated a map book on the seat beside her and said, "Well, I can
find any address with this map book. It's got every street in the city
here, but I've got to have an address."
"Oh, so you don't know where its at?"
"No," she answered. "You don't have any idea of where it's at?"
"No," I replied, confounded by now at to why I wasn't given more
information. I knew, at least that this wasn't a test.
"Well, let me ask around to see if anyone knows where its at."
I watched her get up out of the cab and start asking other taxi drivers
where the horse shoe at the Church of Scientology was at. Time after
time, the drivers would shake their heads and shrug their shoulders.
Perplexed, I sat down on my truck. I wondered how the Sea Org member
could have the impression that everyone knew where the Church of
Scientology was when, in fact, practically no one knew were it was. If
anyone should know, taxi drivers should know, but they didn't know. I
hadn't even heard of Scientology myself up until a few months ago.
It began to occur to me that this Sea Org member that I had talked to
must have had a grandiose view of how the world viewed Scientology. He
had the impression that everyone knew about Scientology and knew where
the buildings were, when in fact no one knew what Scientology was or
where its buildings were.
The taxi driver returned and told me that she had found a driver who
knew were the horse shoe at the Church of Scientology was. I awoke from
my state of contemplation and realized that I must have been sitting
there, thinking to myself for about five minutes. I speculated that the
cab driver might know were the Church was because he might be a
Scientologist. The cab pulled up, the driver put my trunk in the back of
the minivan , I got in and we drove off. I didn't ask if he was involved
in Scientology and he didn't say anything. I looked out the window,
watching the city landscape roll by.
A BIG BLUE BUILDING
Twenty or so minutes went by and looking out of the window of the cab I
saw the eight pointed cross of the Church of Scientology in the
distance. It stood on top of a big blue six story high and unsightly
building. The unsightliness of the building made me hope that I wasn't
going to that building. But as the cab drew closer and closer to the
building I knew that's were I would be going. The Sea Org building was
not quite what I had imagined it would be. But I didn't complain,
exteriors weren't important.
There was a horseshoe driveway and the cab drove right into it. I saw a
Sea Org member walk out past some sliding doors to meet the cab. He
pulled some cash out of his pocket and paid the fare. He was my age or
maybe even younger and he did conduct himself with an air of confidence.
I believe his name was Mike.
Mike showed me around a bit. While I had expected to be received with
much celebration and throwing of confetti, my expectations had faded
since the debacle at the airport. To have a big deal made out of my
arrival would have made me feel awkward, but it also felt awkward when I
walked into the office and was barely noticed. Some Sea Org members
turned to look at me. There was no confetti or celebration but I hadn't
joined the Sea Org for kudos so I just dropped the little expectations I
had left.
QUALITY RECRUITS OF THE ESTATES PROJECTS FORCE
All Sea Org members begin their Sea Org career with the same program
called the Estates Projects Force or EPF. This is sort of a boot camp
where Sea Org recruits divide their days between studying some basic
instructions for Sea Org members and manual labor such as mopping
floors, cleaning bathrooms and the like. It wasn't hard work or even
that difficult.
Everyone in the EPF wore blue jump suits and would have to jog from
place to place instead of walking. We also stood in formation for muster
in the morning, but the militaristic aspects of the EPF were not so
emphasized; we didn't salute much and I never saw much military ceremony
while I was in the Sea Org. The recruits in the EPF were of varying ages
- from as young as 13 to over 50 years old.
It was normal for EPF members who give testimonials as to their success
with the EPF program. After a few weeks in the EPF, I saw a testimony of
one young man who stood up and told, "Up until I month ago I was living
on the street, with no money and no place to live. I had never heard of
Scientology before and then someone told me about the Sea Org and I
joined and now things are going so great for me."
While everyone clapped I was reeling from what I had just heard. Was it
possible that Sea Org recruiters were recruiting the homeless kids off
the streets of Hollywood? I was told that the qualifications for joining
the Sea Org were high, that it was an honor to be recruited for the Sea
Org. But come to find out the Sea Org was seemingly recruiting anyone
who they could get to sign the contract.
In another case I became an acquaintance with another recruit who knew
nothing about Scientology. Apparently he didn't even know that he wasn't
supposed to criticize Scientology and he complained and expressed his
doubts freely. I wondered to myself how it was that he had been
recruited to the elite Sea Org. I was forced to conclude that the Sea
Org's standards were much, much lower than I had anticipated. He was
eventually kicked out after a recruit who, was a real Scientologist, got
a cold and blamed his suppressive influence for having causing it.
Then, while I in class, I had a eyebrow raising experience with a high
school aged Sea Org recruit. I had been asking him questions as part of
Hubbard's "self analysis" processes. The questions I was asking were
like, "Remember a time when you were happy," or "Remember a time when
you discovered something new." I don't remember the exact questions. At
the end of the process, as was part of the process, I asked him how he
felt, I wasn't supposed to stop the questions until he felt better.
In a bored and emotionless tone he told me that he felt great and
energized. Obviously I had a difficult time believing that he really
felt "great and energized" and that he was merely telling me what he was
supposed to tell me. As I had been instructed to not evaluate him and
not to contradict him, I simply wrote down that he felt great and that
was the end of the session.
Of course, I had gotten the not so subtle hint that we was just going
through the motions and didn't have much of a passion for Scientology. I
formed an idea in my mind that his parents must have been Scientologist
who had pressured him into the joining the Sea Org. I don't know if that
was true but their were a lot of kids who's parents were Sea Org members
who were in the Sea Org in one capacity or another.
There was also a case where a young kid, about 15 years old or so, who
ran away to live on the streets. He was in the EPF and was the child of
Sea Org members. About a month later he either came back or was taken
back to the PAC base. I saw him sitting in the court yard; his head was
shaved and his Sea Org issue boots had been spray painted white. The
word was that he had run away from the EPF and joined a skin head gang
and had been living on the streets.
Was this how the children of Sea Org members were brought up? I thought
to myself. Normal families have troubles, I know that's true. My family
had lots of troubles, but I didn't expect Scientology families to have
problems of such proportions. Sea Org families were supposed to be
functional and well adjusted. Still more to the point, was this the
caliber of Sea Org recruits?
Of course, I don't mean to count the misses and not the hits. There were
many competent, intelligent and dedicated Sea Org recruits. Maybe they
didn't strike me as being of the finest caliber, the best of the best
but I figured that's why they were there - to become the best of the
best and to hone their excellence.
FAST TRACK TO MARRIAGE
The days were full in the EPF and very structured. The EPF had its own
barracks which was a sexually segregated apartment building. The EPF
barracks was a few blocks away from the PAC complex. Each morning, we
would wake up, get dressed, go eat breakfast, go to class, go to lunch,
start work, break for dinner, then walk back to the barracks when the
work was done. By the time we went back to the barracks it was time for
bed.
After a few weeks of being on the EPF some new recruits joined and among
them was a girl who became my girlfriend. We didn't have much time to
get to know each other, during meals, during breaks and while walking to
and from the barracks in the night and mornings. Debbie was from
Switzerland, very much into Scientology and very nice, especially to me.
She had worked at the Church of Scientology in Zurich for years and just
recently joined the Sea Org.
The Sea Org demanded upstanding behavior of its members and listed many
rules to follow, among them was no sex outside of marriage. It wasn't
long then, that I began bringing up the idea of marriage to Debbie. She
played it cool, but I was concerned that once we finished the EPF that
she would be working in a completely different office from me. In fact
the office she would be working in was about a mile away and with no car
or time off that is a very considerable distance. If we did get married,
then we would be able to have a room together, so that we could see each
other every night among other things.
Eventually Debbie agreed to the idea of marriage and once we graduated
from the EPF, we got some time off to take a bus downtown to the L.A.
courthouse and got married. It was a bohemian marriage to be sure and
after getting the marriage license, we has just enough money to eat at
McDonald's.
In retrospect, we hardly knew each other and had no business getting
married. For example, I only learned that her father had committed
suicide a few hours after we were married. I married her before I even
knew anything about her family. But everything in my life was moving at
a million miles an hour in those days. A day later we had our room
together.
THE MATTER OF $100
Back in St. Louis my presence was missed. Mary, who had been in charge
of the division I was in, returned from her maturity leave to find her
new recruit newly recruited to the Sea Org. She had high ambitions for
the division and I had been central to her plans. Finding someone
willing to join staff was hard enough, but finding someone willing to
join staff and qualified for HCO was harder. To complicate matters,
Steve, who recruited me, was married to Mary. I found out years later
that she was so angry about it that it nearly ended in divorce.
I was grateful to Steve or giving me the opportunity to join the Sea Org
the near cost of his marriage. He never was able to recruit someone to
take my place, but the Sea Org wasn't about to give me back. He told me
that he had sold my car for $350 and since the plane ticket cost only
$300 I asked him for the difference. He responded by mail that I should
"consider this a done deal." Knowing that Steve and Mary were newly
parents and knowing the pay at the St. Louis org, I wandered to myself
if he was keeping the $50 out of financial desperation. I also started
to wonder to myself, if Steve had recruited me to the Sea Org for the
$50 commission.
Of course, I didn't know Steve's motives one way or another, but I
couldn't help but wonder.
THE EVER DISAPPOINTING SEA ORG
The Sea Org wasn't what I was expecting but that was alright because I
believed, at some deeper level the sacrifice and long, arduous hours
would pay off; they would bear fruit eventually.
Debbie's and my room wasn't really so much a room as it was a blocked
off section of a hall. What had complicated matters was that the room
blocked the a fire escape. We didn't have a lock on the door so I
imagine people could go threw our room in the event of a fire, but still
the room was out of sorts. I had heard that our room might be demolished
to clear the egress to the fire escape and, while in the room, I lived
with the uneasiness that we could lose our space together.
The dining facilities left much to be desired as well. I remember
walking threw the dishwashing area and seeing cocharochs everywhere. I
have a vivid memory of a dishwasher spraying a hose and chasing hundreds
of them down a huge drain. I figured that maybe the bug problem was
worse in L.A. than it was in St. Louis, still it couldn't have been a
good thing by any stretch.
I had imaged that the Sea Org would be a pinnacle of perfection and
professionalism. Yet the juxtaposition of imagined expectations and
experienced reality was more than obvious. I did overlook it, but I
couldn't keep it out of the back of my mind. As I experienced the Mecca
of Scientology as it really was, the contradictions between the
reputation of the Sea Org and reality of the Sea Org were unshakable. I
tried to wave them away, like pestering flies at a summer picnic, I
believed that Scientology worked. I had heard stories which testified to
the validity of Scientology; antidotes of past lives remembered, rumors
of supernatural capabilities gained. So maybe, the Scientology buildings
and furnishing were a bit run down, maybe the living conditions weren't
great, and maybe I hadn't met anyone who really amazed me, but I
dismissed that as irrelevant. I was dismissed what I witnessed as
irrelevant and accepted the promises of L. Ron Hubbard and the rumors of
the Scientology community to be relevant.
SEA ORG MANAGEMENT: THE SCREAM TEAM
The Sea Org members themselves were dedicated and even tireless. They
really did believe in Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard and the Church of
Scientology, but I could easily see that they weren't the most
productive group of people on the planet. The management style of the
Sea Org seemed to be nothing extraordinary during day to day business;
but it could dissolve into hysterical screaming when things went wrong.
To hear hysterical screaming peppered with threats of "heavy ethics" or
completely unreasonable demands in the Sea Org wasn't rare at all, it
was no big deal and business as usual.
Scientology administration was supposed to be the most effective and
cutting edge. L. Ron Hubbard was drawing on trillions of years of
administration know how in developing Scientology admin technology, but
it seemed that confusion and uncertainty reigned in the administration
of the Church of Scientology. Goals were set with the full intention of
being met and then not be met at all. At times, no improvement happened
at all or maybe the area went into a decline. Things went wrong all the
time and that would be fine for other organizations - Coca Cola, Sony,
Xerox , it would be fine there, but not in the Sea Org. The Sea org was
supposed to be light years ahead any corporation. There wasn't supposed
to be a comparison at all. The Sea Org was the organization that Hubbard
had started himself. It was the organization that was not only going to
save the earth, it was literally supposed to save the galaxy.
One night, my wife, who worked at the International Office told me that
there had been a huge flap that night due to the Continental Liaison
Office in South America being shut down. She conveyed to me that the
rent on their building had not been paid for so long that the
organization was evicted and the Sea Org Staff had been thrown out on
the street. The answer to this, according to my wife, was hysterical
screaming at the evicted South American Sea Org members over the phone.
Even the head of CLO WUS, Cal the Commanding Officer, was fired by means
more humiliating than constructive. He was demoted to the position of
deck hand. "Deck hand" was a reference to the Sea Org's naval heritage,
but it essentially meant that instead of working behind a desk in a
prestigious position, he would be pushing a broom in a less than
prestigious position. The whole point was to humiliate him and make an
example out of him.
The whole exercise had the effect of sinking moral in the org. Cal was
working hard everyday, just like everyone else there. We all gave so
much of our selves and now Cal was being punished as an example to the
rest of us for not producing miracles. I knew that Scientology was
supposed to be creating miracles, I didn't expect that we could be
punished for not producing miracles. Anyhow, Cal was immediately
replaced with someone who had to ask us how to do his job.
One of the worst cases of management by screaming came from a young girl
screaming at an old woman. My memory of Carol (I'm unsure of her name),
the personnel officer is that of a nice older lady who, instead of a
wearing a look of confidence as I had expected of a Sea Org member, wore
a look of fatigue and worry. She was probably in her 60s. I had been
witness to her being harassed by a young staff member of superior rank.
This younger staffer yelled and screamed at Carol and literally chased
her around the halls. And when I describe the harassing staffer as
young, I mean she was very young - about 12 years old or so, pre-
pubescent for sure.
Knowing the policies of the Church and the ranks of the two, I knew the
young girl was perfectly authorized in screaming at the old lady. But
the lack of tact struck me as awkward. It seemed to me that the sadism
of this young child which might normally be directed at other children
on some playground was just being poured out on this old lady; it was a
surreal scene and I'll never forget it.
In a different setting, this young girl and older lady might have had a
relationship like that of student and teacher or grandchild and
grandmother. A relationship built on compassion and caring. Regardless
of whether the older lady was humiliated or not, I felt humiliated for
her. Also I felt a fear that this might happen to me were I to remain on
staff into my old age.
THE FINANCE OFFICE AND NON-COMPLIANCE IN THE SEA ORG
Most of the screaming in CLO West US came out of the finance office.
While the name implies that the office disbursed funds or made loans to
the orgs in the West US, what wouldn't be true. The sole function of the
finance office was to extract a percentage of income produced by the
orgs. Stern tones and angry voices could often be heard from the hallway
outside of the finance office and it was just a matter of routine.
That's how it was done apparently.
I felt somewhat sorry for the Scientology staff members on the other
ends of those phone lines. Having worked in the St. Louis org, I knew
the staff hardly got any pay at all, yet they had to send a percentage
of their Church's gross income to the finance office each week.
I hadn't expected that the Sea Org would be so stingy when it came to
money. I hadn't expected that the Sea Org would ever be at a loss for
money or incompetent with funds as was the case with CLO South America.
I had expected the Sea Org to be successful in its own right, in a
position to give money and to help instead of being in the position of
demanding and screaming for money from people who couldn't pay their
rent and subsisted on peanut butter and crackers.
The Continential Liaison Office was supposed to be providing a valuable
service to the lower orgs but I began to doubt whether that service was
being provided. I recalled from working reception in the St. Louis org
that the Sea Org was calling on the phone constantly and interrupting
while the staff was trying to work. I remember that at St. Louis org,
the phone would sometimes be let to ring, not to be answered as the
staff just assumed the Sea Org was on the other end of the line and
wasn't interested in talking to them. The phone would just ring for
minutes.
In the Sea Org, being on the other end of the line, it was frustrating
that, at times, it was difficult to contact staff members via phone.
Once Cory, a colleague at the Sea Org, need to talk to a staff member at
a certain org. He said, "This is the kind of call that I need to be
answered, so I'm just going to put the phone on speaker phone and let me
know when someone answers it." So even those of us at CLO knew that the
staff at the orgs weren't interested in talking to us. That phone rang
for at least five minutes before someone picked up on the line on the
other end.
Telexes were much the same situation. I could send out 20 telexes to
staff members and would normally get about 2 telexes in response. It was
as if my telexes were being thrown directly into the trash. Not to imply
that the trash wasn't a good place for my telexes. I had less than a
year experience in Scientology and was giving instruction to staff
members with many years of experience over me. In fact, ironically, I
lost respect in the competence of the Sea Org since they had the
incompetence to put me in a position of authority, giving instruction to
people who should have been giving instructions to me.
I knew I wasn't making a contribution. I was over my head and I
desperately wanted to get some instruction on how to do a good job. I
would do what ever I was told with the strength of ten men, but the only
training I got was from my courses which were vague; they didn't answer
any of my questions. Sure they were filled with platitudes about being
unreasonable, and tough and competent - but that didn't help me to
actually be competent at my job. I hadn't expected to be in this
situation, I thought that I would be trained to handle any eventuality,
with certainty and confidence. True I did have a lot of training left,
but I didn't think that training would address my shortcomings. I formed
the idea that most of my colleagues where just playing by ear, making it
up as they went along and silently hoping for the best. I sensed that
deep down no one believed that the training worked, they all just took
what good they could from it and ignored what they didn't agree with and
filled in the blanks with what they thought would work. And that was the
ultimate irony in itself as our whole mission was to spread the
teachings of Hubbard.
It also occurred to me that there were so many problems and so many
things what were wrong, but no one ever talked about them. Of course,
that was a key part of the ethics of Scientology - don't complain or
"natter" in Scientology-speak. Hubbard wrote that people only nattered
about things that they subconsciously wanted to destroy. Of course, I
didn't want to let on that I wanted to destroy Scientology, so I never
uttered a word of complaint. No one complained or nattered ever, no
matter how crappy things were. Good news and pleasantries were all
anyone ever communicated. So it was just impossible for me to walk into
a meeting and just start spouting off all these problems that I had with
Scientology and the Sea Org. I might as well declare myself a
Suppressive Person and walk out. Nattering about the Sea Org might get
me sent to the Rehabilitations Projects Force, a program even more
restrictive and demanding than the regular Sea Org.
THE OT IN THE ELEVATOR
Having finished my work for the night, I went to my room a changed out
of my uniform. I disliked my uniform - for one reason I only had one
uniform and it was difficult to keep clean. I also I just never did like
uniforms, they seemed to strip individuality away. Maybe there's some
deeper reason, but to this day, even though I still wear a uniform for
work, I take it off as soon as I can.
Being changed out of my uniform and into "civilian clothes" I walked
downstairs to make a purchase form the canteen (the snack shop). When I
entered the elevator going up, a well dressed man stepped in front of
me. The first thing I noticed was a bright, colorful tie framed by the
dark lapels of a fine suit. I looked up to his face to see an older man
in his 50s maybe, standing regal and confident; he was looking at me
intensely. "Where is your uniform?" he demanded.
"I'm off duty right now, so I took it off," I responded. I wasn't scared
of him, but I was very mystified as to who this person was.
"That's no excuse, as per regulation (and he sited a regulation which I
can't remember) Sea Org members are to wear their uniforms at all
times."
"Oh, I wasn't aware of that," I responded. "I might not have gotten to
it in my training yet. I'll look into that regulation..." The elevator
has reached the fourth floor, the door opened and I stepped out. The
fourth floor apparently wasn't his floor.
Before the doors closed I looked back at him and asked, "Who ARE you?"
He seemed surprised, "You don't know who I am? ...You'll find out...
You'll find out," he chimed ominously as the doors closed. This tone and
manner suggested to me that he was someone important and clearly an OT.
If he told me that I would find out who he was, then it would happen. I
would find out.
I mentioned the encounter to my wife. She thought it was odd but
couldn't give me any information as to the identity of the well dressed
man. I didn't want to seem foolish, going around asking who that person
might be so I just let it go. I figured, eventually I would find out who
the well dressed man was.
Eventually I did find out. One evening I walked in to the foyer at the
PAC base where I saw the well dressed man with an entourage; a dark
sedan was waiting for him outside the glass doors. I quietly strolled up
to the assemblage seeing the well dressed man off. After giving orders
to members of his retinue he pointed at me as asked, "You. Have you
found out who I am yet?"
"No," I replied. I was somewhat impressed that he remembered me. It had
been a month at least. Oddly I wasn't so impressed that the OT powers
that he implied he had didn't revel the secret of his identity to me
sooner. After all me did want me to know who he was.
He pointed to a young man in the entourage. "You. You tell him (pointing
back at me) who I am." And with that the well dressed man hurried out
the sliding glass doors and got into the dark sedan, which drove off
into the night.
I turned to the young man. "So who was that?"
The young man didn't look at me. His eyes followed the well dressed man
to his car. " That was Norm Starkey, he's the executor of the LRH
estate."
So that was how an OT introduced himself. He pointed to other people and
demanded that they tell you who they are. The only super natural power
he seemed to have was the power to build suspense and atmosphere of
authority.
Well the executor of the LRH estate sounded impressive. It must have
been someone who was well trusted by Hubbard, I figured. Some time
later, he held a meeting with Sea Org members in the cafeteria which
turned out to be a sales pitch for some of LRH's fiction books. He
presented the sales pitch to make it sound as if he was giving us an
opportunity to have these new editions at a good price - but it was
clear to me that he was out to make a commission. "How hard up is this
guy for money to be selling books to people with no money and hardly
spare time to read?" I thought to myself.
ASSIGNED THE CONDITION OF DOUBT
During short Sea Org career the only person I had ever expressed any
doubt about Scientology to was Debbie. One night while we were together
in our room I began to openly speculate about whether the Church of
Scientology was doing any good in the world. "We're just an bunch of
people in some big blue building in the middle of Hollywood and we're
not helping anyone. We're not saving the planet. No one even knows about
us."
What I had said was serious. Any criticism of the Church of Scientology
could easily be construed to be a suppressive act - the most serious
kind of transgression against mankind. I had Debbie's full attention.
"You are in doubt," she told me. "You have to do the doubt formula."
To be in doubt is not a good thing in Scientology. It is considered a
lower condition of ethics, but by following the formulas of Hubbard one
could rise up into higher conditions of ethics. To get out of doubt, it
was necessary to do the doubt formula. The doubt formula consisted of
looking at both sides and deciding what side to be on.
Debbie tried to talk some sense into me. "Everyone knows about
Scientology, even if they don't know what Scientology is. Still deep
inside they know about us and they know we are right. Even the bums on
the street know that we are right."
"Okay," I replied meekly, but really I was confused as to why she
believed that everyone somehow knew about Scientology. As I felt I was
already on thin ice, having expressed doubt about the Church, I didn't
bring up that I had never heard anything about Scientology or had any
idea of its existence before a year ago. But her conviction that
everyone knew that Scientology existed reminded me of the Sea Org member
who told me that all the cab drivers knew were the Church of Scientology
was. I soon found out that the Sea Org member was wrong about the cab
drivers and felt certain that Debbie was wrong about even the bums on
the street knowing that we were right. I began to felt that some
Scientologist had been in the Church for so long and been so isolated
from the outside that they took on this delusion that everyone knew
about Scientology.
For a while my doubts subsided and it was business as usual, but in the
back of my mind the doubts still wandered and stumbled about in the
twilight.
THE ROSE BOWL
Occasionally Sea Org members go on mission, which is a Sea Org term for
business trip. The only time I ever went out on mission was to the
Pasadena Org during the Rose Bowl parade. Really the goal of the mission
was, more than anything, to become more familiar with what it was I was
supervising.
The Pasadena Org was on the Rose Bowl parade route and the occasion
provided the opportunity for a lot of walk in traffic. The Pasadena Org
and CLO agreed the occasion called for a focused effort. While I was
there I worked, not as a supervisor, but as a normal staff member along
side other Church staff members, out on the street. We passed out free
movie passes for introductory Scientology films, we invited the public
into the Church for free personality test and we answered basic
questions about Scientology to curious people.
For me it was nice to get away from the Sea Org complex for a while and
talk to people who weren't Scientologist. But I did get some, not
hostile, but weird vibes from some people who seemed to believe I was a
little crazy. I recall giving some college students a free pass to go
see a movie and they seemed very enthused about the offer. Later I saw
them in the crowd, they had been to the Church and seen the introductory
film. Now the students sort of looked at me like I was strange. I sensed
that their first encounter with Scientology had left much to be desired
and now they viewed me with suspicion.
Another man I invited in to the Church asked me if I had seen the 60
minutes episode on Scientology.
"Was it on recently?" I asked.
He said it was.
"Well, what did they say?" I asked.
"It wasn't good," he replied.
The conversation didn't go to far and he wasn't at all interested in
Scientology or in even discussing Scientology. Still the short
conversation left me feeling odd about not knowing that an episode of 60
minutes had aired about Scientology. We never watched television in the
Sea Org and we were never told about critical news stories about
Scientology. It didn't seem right to me that we should be left in the
dark about the debate on Scientology when we were right in the middle of
it. After all, if anyone knew whether or not Scientology worked, it
should be the Sea Org.
As I walked threw the doors of the Church, on my way back, the public
executive secretary reminded me to smile by pointing towards her own
exaggerated smile. It had the effect of cheering me up and reminding me
not to give up. I had been wearing a tired look of confusion from
dealing with the crowd and failure so I fixed it by smiling and standing
up straight. I had the cognition that the work of spreading Scientology
on the streets, as these people did on a day to day basis, was tough.
I believe I was offered a couch to sleep on at the Church over night,
but I turned it down to sleep at an office desk. I sat down and laid my
head on the desk and fell comfortably asleep. After waking up I watched
a few of the introductory films which I has passed out passes for
previous night. They had be directed by L. Ron Hubbard himself, so I
thought they would be outta sight, but alas, they were not as good as I
expected. They were alright, I thought to myself, but I felt a bit
embarrassed by them. I wanted so much to be impressed but wasn't. The
feeling of being embarrassed by Scientology was becoming, slowly and
surely, more familiar.
PAYING FOR COURSES WITH CREDIT CARDS
After my stay at the Pasadena Org was over, a ride was arranged for me
with a public Scientologist back to the PAC base. He was getting either
taking a class or getting some auditing at the PAC base and he lived in
Pasadena, so giving me a ride wasn't a problem.
We talked for a bit and he recounted a story to me in which he refused
to give money to a homeless person. He sort of mocked the homeless
person's tone who said to him, "I'm homeless, don't you care about the
homeless," stretching out and exaggerating the word "homeless" as he
spoke. Then he moved on to discussing how he had gotten the money to pay
for the Key to Life course.
The Key to Life was a new Scientology course which has just been
released recently. The course dealt with improving the ability to
communicate in speaking and writing. It also came with a steep price tag
- $5,000.
My host confessed to me that originally he was perplexed as to how he
was going to get the money to pay for the course. "Then I started
noticing these credit card applications coming to me in the mail. So
waited until I got about five of them, filled them all out, sent them
all in and they all got approved. After that I walked right into the
org, put down the credit cards and paid for the course."
In telling the story, he conveyed the sense that he was quite a genius
for having solved his problem so easily. While I told him that his idea
was smart, I secretly thought that it was a horrible idea. I didn't know
much about credit cards, but I knew that he would have to pay back each
one of those cards with interest.
It wasn't the only story I had heard about Scientologist getting into
debt paying for Scientology courses and services. Debbie's mother was
having substantial difficulties with such debt back in Switzerland.
Debbie even speculated that she might have to travel back to Switzerland
and work for a while to help pay off her mother's debt.
Even in the Scientology community which shielded itself from criticisms
made of Scientology - it was well known that a key criticism of
Scientology was that, in financing courses, people often borrowed large
amounts of money which they had difficultly paying back. Of course it
was all justified in that Scientologist believed that the received
training would increase their earning capacity.
Once I heard two Sea Org members talking about a man who borrowed
thousands of dollars to take Scientology courses. Once finished with the
courses, the story went, he quicky paid off the loans as the courses had
given him such an edge over the average person. Perhaps this is what the
driver of the car expected to happen. Once we got the PAC base, he
dropped me off and I never saw him again. I can't say whether of not his
Scientology training paid off for him or whether he was just stuck with
the bill.
I reasoned that if Scientology training enabled people to earn more
money then the orgs in the West US and the CLO would be awash in money
and that was far from the case. Church staff and Sea Org members got
their course for free in addition to getting the whole of their job
training in Scientology. I knew from my experiences in St. Louis that
staff members hardly made enough money to live off of and in the Sea
Org, I only had one uniform, a shoddy room and often would be limited to
beans and rice at meals because CLO was in difficulty paying expenses.
SEC CHECK FOR THE BOOK COMPILATIONS UNIT
It was announced at general meeting that applications were being
accepted for what was called the Book Compilations Unit. Anyone with
writing still was encouraged to apply.
The Book Compilations Unit was a very prestigious unit tasked with
taking the notes of LRH and making them into text. It was explained that
LRH left copious amounts of notes which were yet to be compiled into
text. These notes dealt with since unheard of subject matter and were
uncharted territory for anyone but LRH - who left only the notes.
I filled out an application, citing my experience with my high school
newspaper where I had been editor and chief.
Some time later I was contacted as an applicant of interest. Before the
hiring process could go any further I would be subjected to sec check,
which was standard procedure. During the sec check I was asked questions
about any drugs I might have taken, perverted sex acts I might have
engaged in, my true motives in the Sea Org as well as other invasive
questions.
Embarrassed, I was forced to confess a sexual perversion I had engaged
in at a very young age - around 10 years old. It felt very uncomfortable
recalling the incident. I opened myself up quite a bit. The auditor
didn't show any disgust or give any judgement, as auditors were trained
to respond. She simply wrote the incident down on paper. To this day
I've told no one about that incident - the only person I've ever told
was that Sea Org auditor.
When asked about my drug use, the meter registered distress on mental
picture I was seeing. It was an image of a man wearing a gown sitting in
a doctors office which was located in a space station. I recognized the
man as me, except I was in a different body. I could see a few very
large pills in the palm of my hand. I realized that the drugs were a
treatment for radiation poisoning. Also, I understood the incident to
have taken place 35,000 years ago.
The auditor acknowledged and validated the incident.
My first real past life memory, I thought to myself. If I was going to
be remembering incidents from the past 76 trillion years, the sec check
might take a very long time.
"Should I just stay in this life?" I asked the auditor.
"If you can," came the reply.
So after that, I focused on this life and had no further past life
memories.
Before hearing whether or not I got the job, I announced my plans to
leave the Sea Org. So I never was posted to the Book Complications Unit.
THE BREAK UP
The relationship between Debbie and myself dissolved between October
when we had been married and December. I could blame the Sea Org for
that - claiming that we hadn't had enough time together (which was true)
but the truth was we never knew each other well enough to begin with. On
relationship terms we were never more than boyfriend and girlfriend -
although we were legally married.
Hubbard stated that the secret to successful marriage is COMMUNICATE. We
tried that and I think some pretty mean things were COMMUNICATED between
us. Most of Hubbard's practical and down to earth advice on marriage
worked fine when we got along. Debbie and I could COMMUNICATE fantastic
together at the beginning of the relationship, but that advice seemed
too obvious and over simplified towards the end.
We did go to some Scientology marriage counseling, but it was a
spectacular failure in that it did absolutely nothing to bring us closer
together. Granted, things had gotten cold between us and a happy
resolution was a bleak possibility, but I thought Scientology was
supposed to produce miracles. I expected us to clear up some issues and
to make some process. Scientology marriage counseling fixed nothing - I
don't know if it made matters worse but it didn't help in any way except
to make obvious that it was over.
Debbie moved out and I moved into a male dorm. We went to Scientology
counciling and I really wanted to get back together, but it was a lost
cause.
FOLLOWED BY SEA ORG SECURITY
A significant experience which was to inform my means of leaving from
the Church of Scientology had happened a one day when I walked off the
base to cash a check which an aunt had sent me for a holiday. Now I
didn't have a checking account and in order to get cash for the check, I
would have to go to one of those checks cashed places. I knew of such a
business at the intersection of Hollywood and Sunset Boulevards. After
walking about six blocks or so went into the business, endorsed my
check, took my id out and then stood in line.
Having stood in line for a minute or two, I saw a familiar face in the
adjacent line. Looking at him, he looked concerned as he looked back at
me. There was no mistaking that this was someone I knew. "Hello," I
said, giving a small wave and a reassuring smile. He acknowledged my
greeting with a meekness unbecoming to a Scientologist, but he was a
Scientologist.
The man was a security guard at the Church of Scientology and as he
stood in line I saw that he still had on the khaki work pants and the
polished black dress shoes which made up the bottom half of the uniform.
What was missing was his khaki uniform top complete with badges and
patchs identifying him as a security guard from the Church. He wore,
instead, a plain white t-shirt tucked into his dress pants which
appeared most conspicuous considering the bottom half of his ensemble.
It was clear to me that he had simply taken off his uniform shirt and
walked into the line next to me in order to keep tabs on me.
The Church suffered already from rumors that it was a cult and the
security guard, I imagine, didn't want the general public in on the fact
that they were spying on one of their own members.
This was a awkward situation really. I was indeed a Scientologist and
didn't want to leave. I really was just cashing a check. Also I didn't
want to worsen Scientology's public image, as bad as it was already, by
letting everyone in the business know that a security guard from the
Church had was actively spying on me. I wanted to protect Scientology.
The security guard was trying to help me, I felt.
The guard looked quite guilty once I had made him. In a low voice, just
loud enough for him to hear, I said, "I'm not going to leave, I'm just
cashing a check." He nodded, meekly turned around and walked out in the
most inconspicious manner possible. This had the effect of confirming
beyond a doubt why he had been standing in that line next to me in the
first place - he really was spying on me. After all he could have been
standing in line to cash a check
Curiouser still was that upon coming back to the Church later on in the
afternoon, a security guard engaged me in conversation and told me that
it was him who had dispatched the security guard who I had encountered
in the line. In informing me of this, his tone was friendly and not at
all defensive. I got the idea that he was merely informing me of
something of interest which happened on that day. He had been looking at
the security camera monitors, saw me walking away from the complex and
then turn right on to Sunset Blvd. "And I said to myself, 践ey wait,
there's no reason he should be walking that way.' " He hid nothing about
the whole incident and treated it as if it were nothing usual. By way of
the security cameras he saw that I was leaving, thought that I might be
leaving for good and dispatched someone to trail me.
I might have even thanked him for his concern - I don't remember. But I
did feel that it was a little odd that the security force was somehow
engaged in monitoring the staff and taking an interest in whether or not
they were attempting the leave the Church unannounced. I guess I thought
they were there to guard the buildings against unauthorized entry, theft
and the like. I speculated on whether this was something that this
security guard had taken upon himself, or if it was part of his duties.
This experience greatly informed my plans when I finally did decide to
leave in a manner unapproved by the Church. I wouldn't be able to pack
my bags and just stroll out of the complex to go sit at the bus stop. I
would not only have to not let any Scientologist in on what I was doing,
I would also have to circumvent the security force.
A SIGNIFICANT REPORT
While I was working in the Continental Liaison Office in Los Angeles, I
found the room adjacent to mine filled with filing cabinets . Those
filing cabinets contained reports of all kinds submitted to the CLO from
the orgs in the West U.S. Out of curiosity I looked for the files from
St.Louis and found a filed report regarding Ron, the very staff member
who had recruited me.
In the report I read how he was so behind on his rent that had to pursue
outside employment at a computer store. The report detailed how Mary,
who was my former boss and the equalivent of the personal officer, had
to set off after him and get him to come back to working at the Church
full time. She ironed out some arrangement with his landlord so he could
do some work on the landlord's properties, such as cleaning out gutters,
in trade for rent.
The irony of what I had read was not lost of me though. Ron had been the
guy who introduced me to Scientology, he convinced me that Scientology
was the movement of miracles. Now this same man, who I believed to be so
empowered by Scientology, this man that I had admired was unable to pay
his rent and reduced to cleaning out the gutters in trade for payment.
I knew staff members had a hard time paying bills, but reading about Ron
cleaning out gutters in exchange for rent stuck in my head. I knew Ron,
he had recruited me. I believed in him and had been impressed by him.
DECIDING TO LEAVE
I'm not sure when I decided to leave the Church of Scientology. I would
like to remember the precise moment. What I do remember is that it took
some fortitude to get up from my desk, walk down the hall in search of
Carol and, finding her, tell her that I wanted to leave. The policies,
culture and politics of the Church made leaving an ordeal at the very
least. Those Scientologist colleagues wouldn't let me leave quietly. I'm
not sure if they would attempt to stop me physically, I knew I would get
a hassle one way or another. Even if it was a gaggle of Scientologist
inconveniently standing in my way, extolling me to stop and talk about
it. Besides, just walking out of the Church without going threw the
proper channels was considered a Suppressive Act as per HCO PL
SUPPRESSIVE ACTS, SUPPRESSION OF SCIENTOLOGY AND SCIENTOLOGIST.
To be found guilty of a suppressive act was to be "disconnected" or
excommunicated from the whole of the Scientology movement. The mystical
spiritual rehabilitating technology of Scientology would be denied to me
at every turn. I wanted to avoid committing a Suppressive Act. I wanted
access to the Scientology technology so I could eventually develop the
supernatural abilities of the spirit: transcendence of the physical
body, telepathy, telekinesis and a comprehensive recall of trillions of
years of past lives. To stay in the good graces of the Church, I would
undertake to leave by the rules. Per the rules, confronting the
personnel officer and telling her I wanted to leave was the first step.
GIVING NOTICE
My first step in leaving would be to tell Carol, the same old woman I
saw being screamed at and humiliated by a 12 year old girl. I saw the
old women as weak, humbled and disrespected, so telling her that I
wanted out of the Sea Org wasn't what took fortitude on my part. What
did concern me was what would happen when she told others in the chain
of command.
I found her in the mail room. It was the perfect place as it was out of
the way. "I have to talk to you," I said.
"Okay," she replied, smiling.
I proceeded to tell her that life in the Sea Org wasn't working out for
me and that I wanted out. "I don't know the whole process involved, but
whatever that process is, could you just get it started."
Surprisingly the whole time she just looked at me smiling and nodding
with the kindest look of understanding. She didn't even attempt to talk
me out of leaving, she just acknowledged my request and after thanking
her, I went back to sit at my desk. I can't help but think that she
might have approved of my decision and perhaps she had enough herself,
but wasn't in a position to leave, being so old and having little
prospects.
Sea Org members don't have savings accounts or savings bonds, they don't
own property or have assess that they can sell for cash. Sea Org members
don't retire. They can't retire. Sea Org members aren't given an income
greater than $20 a week and the Church doesn't make payments into FICA
or Social Security for staff members. So elder Sea Org members can't
just one day begin drawing Social Security once they reach 65. Sea Org
members are totally economically dependant on the Church. And the longer
they are in, the more dependant they become.
I never knew the financial situation with the old lady, but it is
possible that she had no money, no entitlements by way of Social
Security and no family outside of Scientology. So to say she had little
prospects might mean that she was limited in her options to working for
the Church or sleeping on the streets of L.A..
The lack of effort on the part of personnel officer to keep me from
routing out was surprising since I had experienced and heard of efforts
to retain quitting Sea Org members while on staff. My collugues and I
believed, as was part of the Scientology belief system, that to leave or
to want to leave was a signal that you had done something unethical and
were, in Scientology speak, out ethics. Even I believed I had done
something out-ethics. For the personnel officer to overlook my lack of
ethics demonstrated of a state of apathy on her part, I thought at the
time.
By the time I informed Carol that I wanted out of the Church, I had been
involved with Scientology for about 9 months. The Sea Org hadn't lived
up to my expectations and I wasn't impressed. Perhaps it might have been
different had I felt I was making a positive contribution. I was fine
with the imperfections and the substandard conditions, but had I felt I
was capable of improving those conditions, perhaps I would have tried
that as opposed to retreating.
Having told the personnel officer of my wish to leave, sat down at my
desk, alone in my office. The weight seemed to lift from my shoulders. I
had been thrown in over my head. I had no idea of how to accomplish the
goals which had been set for me. I had been given an executive position
and had no idea of what I was doing. I had a fervent desire to learn but
I wasn't being taught. I didn't know what to do and shuttered at the
idea of being rewarded or punished on the performance of those beneath
me. That's right, I was supposed to be managing people. But the people I
was managing had years of experience and I had none at all. I mean I
would send these people telexes and they would have no idea of what I
was talking about. Truth is, I think I embarrassed myself more times
than care to admit. The writings of L. Ron Hubbard were supposed to tell
me how to handle any situation - and they did in a general sense, but
rarely did they get into the details that I needed. My management were
supposed to be smarter than me, but how smart could they be to appoint
me to an executive post when I had no experience at all and no clue how
to give direction? I actually viewed my management as incompetent for
appointing me to my post, because I knew I was incompetent and had they
been competent, they would have seen that.
For some reason I decided to leave the Sea Org entirely rather than ask
for a demotion.
THE SEA ORG RESPONSE
It took a few days for the chain of command to react to my request. I
got the feeling that they were just ignoring my request and hoping that
I would change my mind in the meantime. The Sea Org boasted of a
reputation of being a snap and pop organization; more efficient than any
group or company on the planet. They did have a super high opinion of
their abilities. But since I first joined my high opinion of the Sea Org
had waned and it didn't help that S.O. members in my org were taking so
long to respond to my request.
After a few days a colleague in my division named Cory asked me into an
empty office and told me that once, he too had wanted to leave. This was
the first news I had which confirmed that Carol had sent my message up
lines. He recalled that he had been fatigued by the hard working
conditions but he stuck with it and things got better. He now had a
great marriage (mine had recently broken up) and an executive position
(which I also had, by the way). Most important, he was helping the cause
of Scientology - a cause which I still very much cared about.
I really never did like Cory, he came off on me as egotistical and a bit
sadistic, but his short talk inspired me to stay in the Sea Org. Really!
I was all ready to call off my plans to leave, except he never asked me
to stay. He asked me to think about what he said. I said okay and he
walked out of the room. And alone in the room, I realized that, by
saying nothing, I had stood my ground and I could still leave if I
wanted to. I realized that I still did want to leave. Nothing had
changed.
The next day I was told that since I was routing out, I was to be put on
mest work; which is a Scientology word for menial labor. Mest is an
ancronime for "matter, energy, space and time," and Hubbard wrote that
mest work was good for beings in a state of confusion since it was
simple and easy to understand. So technically, being put on mest work
wasn't a punishment, instead it was a treatment for my "confused" state.
Of course, there is the assumption to want to leave the Sea Org I had to
be in a state of confusion, but I didn't mind. I would to what I had to
until I could get out.
I was sent to the construction site for the new CLO West US building. It
was just across the street. I wouldn't even have to take a bus. The
building was just being started. The foundation hadn't even been laid.
While working there I tried to make myself useful, but I don't remember
doing much. I do remember talking with a brick layer who was just
starting on a wall. He was a non-Scientologist, hired to help with the
construction. He asked me some questions about Scientology and I told
him what it was about. As I was still a believer in Scientology, I only
told him the good things, just as I was supposed to. There were many
Scientologist working along side the construction workers and I asked
him what he thought of the Scientologist. He told me in so many words
that we wasn't impressed with the way that Scientologist didn't work
well with others. He told me that the problem with "people around here"
was that every one wanted to be the boss.
That specific criticism didn't ring true for me, but what stuck with me
is that he made "a criticism." He make a criticism about the Sea Org and
he said it without thinking twice. I had thought critical thoughts about
the Sea Org, but I never said them out loud. Also I he confirmed my "not
so sneeking" suspicion that non-Scientologist weren't always impressed
with Sea Org members.
This might sound odd, but I began to admire the brick layer. I realized
that he didn't have a great job, but at least he got paid for it. He
could afford an apartment and a car. I didn't have that. I only got $20
a month. I had never had a place of my own, but I did have a car - which
I sold to pay for the plane ticket to go for the Sea Org. But most of
all the brick layer had spare time. I could live without a car, or even
a place of my own, but just to have some spare time. I was interested in
writing and wanted some time work on that craft. But very little time
was available. All day long I was taking classes or working. At the end
of the day, I might have less than a hour before I had to go to bed. I
was free to stay up late, but not to wake up late - and that was the
rub.
TAKING SOME TIME OFF
Being assigned to MEST work, I noticed that there was no one checking to
see that I was present at the work site. In fact, when I did go to the
work site, I would have to pester someone to get a work assignment.
After a few days, I stopped reporting to the work site. If anyone
noticed at all, which they didn't, they would assume that I was off
somewhere with a Sea Org member who would be handling my situation. At
the same time the Sea Org members who were supposed to be handling my
situation would assume that I would be at the work site.
I had lost my respect for Sea Org. Obviously sneaking out of work the
way I did was contemptuous of their authority. But I didn't care, I
didn't even care that I was getting free room and board, while dodging
work. I felt entitled after all the hours I had put in. I had not
quorums about it whatsoever. Besides, what was the worst they could do
to me? Kick me out? So I got a few days off. The Sea Org did find out,
but it took some time. It was wonderful.
My experience of being followed by the Sea Org security guards came it
handy as it informed me that I had to walk off the base going in the
direction off the HGB. Once out of sight, however, I would break from
that route and slip off to walk around. I remember taking the bus to the
mall and just walking around the Galleria. It doesn't sound like much
now, but then it was like getting out of prison. A deep sense of freedom
and excitement filled me, just to walk around the street. Just to have
some spare time to think and let myself think whatever I wanted. I was
starting to make plans about what I would do when I got back home.
A SET BACK IN THE ESCAPE PLAN
Before I had informed Carol that I wanted to leave, I called my Aunt in
St. Louis and told her I wanted to leave. She handled the conversation
very matter-of-factly, but I'm sure she was thrilled I wanted to leave -
she didn't understand my attraction to Scientology. The whole time I was
involved in Scientology, I had maintained a good relationship with my
entire family, so it was easy for me to call them and ask for help. I
asked my Aunt if she could buy me a ticket for a bus or a plane -
whatever. She called my Dad and it was decided that my Dad would drive
to L.A. and pick me up. I wasn't expecting that, but that was fine with
me. I told them that before I left, I wanted to handle the situation
properly so as the leave on good terms. When it became apparent to me
that the Sea Org was postponing my departure with delays and red tape, I
called my Dad and told him I was ready.
I knew I would be leaving in a couple of days, so I just stalled for
time. I didn't show up for work or class. While my roommates were out of
the room, I packed my truck with all my clothes and books. I didn't take
anything that wasn't mine.
I talked to my Dad via my stepmother on the phone. He was enroute to
L.A.. No turning back now. I went back up to my room for lack of
anything better to do. I was running over in my mind the details of how
I would leave - I formed a plan so that no one would see me leave. If no
one could see me, then no one could try to stop me. While thinking,
there was a knock at the door. I opened the door to see one of the Swiss
Missionaires involved in posting me at CLO upon completion of the EPF.
He worked for Int, the echelon directly above CLO. I wondered what he
was doing there, he was in uniform but he wasn't in my chain of command.
He walked in, took off his Sea Org combination cap and ran him fingers
through his black hair. "We were wondering where you were," he said,
with concern. "We assumed that you were at the work site, doing MEST
work and when we contacted them to get a hold of you, they told us that
they thought you were with them...So we started to wonder what happened
to you."
I didn't have to explain, when he saw me alone in my quarters and out of
uniform he knew what was going on. But he didn't know that I had plans
to leave that very night.
He started to sit down on my truck and a look of panic must have come
over my face. Somehow, I thought that if he sat down on the truck, he
would find out it was full and thus know that I was leaving. It was a
silly thought - how could he figure out that I had just packed, just by
sitting on the trunk? He didn't, but he did see my face. "Is it alright
if I sit here?" he asked apologically.
"Sure," I said recovering. I realized that I was paranoid about being
found out. Nothing they could do would stop me from leaving and my Dad
wouldn't leave without me, but I wanted to leave with the least
resistance possible. No confrontations, no stalling conversations, no
high pressure tactics and I didn't want anyone to get in any sort of
trouble on my behalf. If any Sea Org member knew I was leaving, they
would have an obligation to report me and if they didn't, they would get
in trouble.
The missionaire knew I wanted to route out, but had no idea that I was
leaving that night. "I know we want to route out and I can see some
reasons," he sympathized. "You haven't had a lot of wins while you've
been here and your 2D is in shambles." Being Swiss, he knew my wife, who
was also Swiss. What he communicated to me sounded a lot like sympathy,
something rare in the Scientology community. I was surprised to hear it
but touched too. That's how far a few sympathetic words go at the PAC
base. It wasn't the last sympathetic ear that I would find that night.
I wondered what he thought about the Sea Org, if he was disappointed
too. Did he think he was wasting his time? Did he suspect that the Sea
Org would never be able to clear the planet or even make a minimal
difference? But I couldn't ask him that, it would betray my own
thoughts. Thoughts which betrayed Scientology and the Sea Org. I still
thought like a Scientologist though with their new age type belief in
"knowingness" and thought that, deep down, he had a knowingness about my
plans for that night. I felt like I had to get those thoughts out of my
head, so that he couldn't pick up on them. But I had a knowingness too,
a knowingness that he was tired of the Sea Org.
"The Public Contact Sec wants to talk to you. You're required to talk to
here before you route out so go to the HGB this evening at 7 o'clock and
meet with her."
I agreed and the missionaire showed himself out.
THE PLAN CONFIRMED
The sun had gone down when I set out on Sunset Blvd toward the HGB, but
the air was still warm and welcoming. I was in a good mood and unworried
out my plan to leave without making a scene. Still I was concerned, of
course. Half way to the HGB I stopped at a pay phone and placed a
collect call to my step mother. She told me that my Dad was in
Hollywood, not far from the Scientology complex and he had checked into
a motel. I asked if she knew the address, she said she could find out if
she called my Dad. She called me back at the pay phone and told me the
address. It was right across the boulevard from me.
I j-walked across Sunset walked and went to my Dad's room. He wanted to
leave then and there, but I explained that my trunk was still at my
quarters and I wouldn't be able get it without raising suspicion. So we
should just stick to the plan that I set out earlier. The plan to sneak
out in the middle of the night. I wanted to synchronize our watches, but
he dismissed that as some like of crazy idea. He wasn't afraid of
Scientologist and neither was I, but he wasn't sensitive to the
situation. Later I that night I would be wishing that he had
synchronized our watches, although that we didn't was fortunate in the
end.
A MOST UNPRODUCTIVE MEETING
If I wanted the plan to proceed without rousing suspicion, I had to go
through with the meeting with the Public Contact Sec, my superior at
INT. I think her name was Carrie. She was a mature woman with reddish
hair worn pulled back. I didn't sense much confidence even when she
talked to me, a teenager, but she did conduct herself professionally. I
meet with her being of the mind that whatever happened, I would be
leaving that night, but she couldn't know that.
Again, I had to explain myself and the reasons that I wanted out of the
Sea Org. I don't remember what I said, but I couldn't help but feel like
a quitter and a coward. I still believed in Scientology and by leaving
the Sea Org I would be turning my back on the only group that could save
humanity. I didn't sugar coat it or make excuses for myself - I wanted
out, eventually I could come back when I was ready.
Towards the end of our conversation, Carrie got to the point she had
been building up to for the whole meeting. The point when she would pull
out all the stops and rope me into staying in the Sea Org and
fullfilling my billion year contract. "Well, the only reason you would
want to leave would because you have a misunderstood word in your
training."
This comment needs some clarification for the uninitiated. According to
Hubbard, the reason why people don't understand what they read is
because they mis understand words in the text. Because of this mis
understanding, the reader develops a hostility or confusion toward the
subject matter which could cause aggression or a desire to depart from
the subject matter. So according to the Scientology mode of thinking,
since I misunderstood a word in my Scientology, this created a
misunderstanding of Scientology and this led to me wanting to leave
Scientology.
I didn't agree with Carrie on that matter. After all I had been checked
on each and every policy letter that I read. That included checks to
make sure that I understood the meanings of the words used in the policy
letters. My reasons for leaving was because I didn't feel ready for the
Sea Org, and felt that I wouldn't get ready if I stayed, but I didn't
stay anything about that. She wouldn't have listened anyway.
Carrie continued, "So, before you can route out, you will have to re
take all your classes so you can be sure to clear up that misunderstood
word."
I instantly knew it was a ploy to keep me in the Sea Org and at the same
instant I lied, looking her straight in the eyes and saying, "Alright."
She seemed relieved to have me agree to such terms. After all, it would
take me the better part of a year to redo all my courses - courses which
weren't necessarily exciting. It was as if she was prepared for a huge
argument, expecting that I would rail against such terms. What she
didn't expect was for me to say "alright."
Having agreed to retake all my classes she dismissed me. The meeting
wasn't more than 30 minutes long soon I was walking down Hollywood, on
my way back to the PAC base. I had two clear choices, either leave with
my Dad that night or spend the next year retaking all the classes that I
had taken so far.
DISCOVERED!
The plan I set out with my Dad was that at midnight, right on the dot,
we would meet at the horseshoe shaped driveway of the PAC base. It was a
Saturday night and my room mates were out, either spending some precious
time with family or with friends. Aside from an occasional walk in, I
was alone in the quarters. My mind was preoccupied and I found it
difficult to do anything other than wait for midnight to come around. I
must have looked suspicious just sitting there, doing absolutely
nothing.
One of my room mates, Donnie, walked in. I don't know why he walked in,
but he did and he took an interest in as to why I was just sitting in
the dark.
"I'm just sitting here." I told him. Apparently, he didn't seem
convinced.
"You're just sitting alone in the dark?" He asked, slowing down.
"Yes, I'm just sitting here." I wasn't lying about that, I WAS just
sitting their, I was just omitting certain truths.
He eyed me suspiciously. He walked directly in front of me and looked me
in the eyes. "Are you going to leave?"
Alarm bells went off in my mind. How the hell did he even suspect?.
Knowingness. He must have just known - picked up on it - had a
knowingness, an awareness of the truth... I didn't want to lie any more
than I had too. Lying to Carrie was enough, but Donnie already knew what
I was up to just by looking at me. I stalled.
"You can tell me if you are," said Donnie, " I won't care."
I couldn't believe my luck, I was hours away from getting out of the Sea
Org without incident. Now I was discovered and the only responsible
thing Donnie could do would be to alert other Sea Org members that I was
leaving.
Donnie was pressing, "You can tell me if you're leaving, I want to leave
too." He was trying to get my trust, but when he compromised himself by
telling me that he wanted to leave - then trust began to crepe in,
slowly. After all, I had said nothing, and he just told me that he
wanted to leave.
Donnie elaborated, "I only joined the Sea Org because I want to take the
Key to Life course. After I do that course, then I'm going to leave."
The story sounded somewhat plausible, the Key to Life was a much desired
course with a price tag of over $5000 in 1990 dollars. "If you're
leaving, I want to help. I want to leave too, just not till I finish Key
to Life."
I took a chance. It felt like I was stepping out into total dark.
"Alright, yeah, I'm leaving."
"I thought so," said Donnie. I was relieved to see that he wasn't
leaving to inform an Ethics Officer. Again I couldn't believe my luck,
just this time in a good way. Not only did Donnie not report me for
planning on leaving and not only did refrain from trying to talk me out
of it but instead he wanted to help me. He really wanted to help. He
practically insisted on doing something to help.
As my Dad and I hadn't synchronized our watches, this provided a role
for Donnie. He could serve as a look out from our room on the fourth
floor. I would be at the bottom of the stairwell out of the view of the
security cameras. When he saw a pickup pull into the driveway he would
run out the room, across the across the hall, poke his head into the
stairwell and call down to me. This would be my que to hurry out to the
truck and drive off.
Since the driveway that my Dad would be pulling into and the foyer I
would be walking across with luggage were both in the field of view of
the security cameras, we had to move quickly once we entered that field
of vision. Adding to the need for speed was the fact that the security
station was adjacent to the foyer I would have to walk through. A
security guard COULD just step out of the security room and try to stop
me somehow. Just like the previous time they interceded to stop me from
escaping when I wasn't really escaping. Except this time I was escaping
for real.
Technically, what I was planning on doing, according to the policies of
the Church, was a suppressive act. I quote from the policy letter
titled, "Suppressive Acts, Suppression of Scientology and
Scientologist" "...When a person is secretly planning to leave and
making private preparations to do so without informing the proper
terminals in an org and does leave (blow) and does not return within a
reasonable length of time, an automatic declare is to be issued...." I
didn't know if I was going to be declared or not. I didn't want to get
declared, but I thought that the Church won't be too hard on me, after
all, I didn't feel like a suppressive person and I wasn't leaving to
hurt Scientology. I just wanted to leave.
When Donnie asked me to help, initially I refused because I didn't want
him to get in trouble. In helping me, Donnie was being an accessory to a
suppressive act - technically, there is no policy on that, but I'm sure
that it would be enough to get him declared suppressive anyway. I could
only guess that it would register on a sec check in the future and his
involvement would be found out. But as he insisted on helping, I let him
help.
Donnie and I had gotten into Scientology in different ways. I got in
through reading Dianetics and joining staff, and he got in because he
was born into it. His parents were Scientologist and he was raised
within the Scientology community.
One thing that I noticed about kids who had grown up in Scientology was
that they seemed more at ease playing loose and fast with the rules. Of
course, the kids weren't all the same. Some kids excelled, like the kids
in CMO and other kids just got by. Donnie was somewhere in between. He
was an oddity to me, he clearly valued Scientology, as he wanted the
take the Key to Life course, but he was able to dismiss the parts he
didn't agree with. I hadn't been like that, I took the whole of
Scientology as a package and shut the door on any other possibility. I
didn't understand him, but he was my look out.
A PLAN IN MOTION
A few minutes prior to midnight I put Donnie on lookout and hulled my
truck down the stairs. Standing at the bottom of the stairs, just out of
view of the security cameras, I still didn't know if I could trust him.
I had no choice but to stand there waiting. I just stood there facing
the fire door. Any moment now... Then I heard Donnie shout down, "He's
here!" I picked up my trunk, pushed past the fire door, and through the
glass doors I could see my Dad's truck outside. I walked right past the
security station's closed door, past the glass doors and into the warm
night air. I could feel the cameras looking down on me. My Dad helped me
put the trunk in the truck bed, then we got in the cab and drove off. I
turned around to see if we were being followed. It was all clear.
My Dad drove to the hotel and we slept till morning. After waking up I
looked out the window to scope for any Sea Org members who might have
found out were I was somehow. It was all clear. My Dad, Donnie and me
had pulled it off. I had vanished. Soon my Dad and I were driving
through the California desert. We stopped in Nevada to play some nickel
slot machines in a casino, then drove through the mountains until we
descended into Denver - home ever since.
I WAS A HIGH SCHOOL SCIENTOLOGIST
Once back in the ordinary world, my first priority was to finish high
school. The councilor informed me that I only needed five classes to
finish - and two of those were gym classes. So it was a fun semester.
But I was still a Scientologist. While I had lost respect for the Sea
Org, I still believed in LRH and believed that Scientology worked. I
even made a trip to the Scientology org in Denver to buy a copy of
"Introduction to Scientology Ethics." Also I was very interested in
spreading my enthusiasm for Scientology although I would find that this
struck my friends and acquaintances as bizarre.
While in high school wrote an article about Scientology for my high
school news paper stating that Scientology had all the answers to all
the questions. The journalism teacher pulled it stating that I had not
given enough evidence to back up my claims. I got a girl I was dating to
read, "Have You Lived Before This Life?" Excitedly, I asked her what she
thought. She told me some of the stories were neat, but others seemed
made up. That cooled me down and I never talked to her about it again.
Another girl, after months of frustration, finally chimed in and asked
me to stop talking about Scientology, "It's all you want to talk about,
she said." Another friend remained silent and looked at me funny when I
started explaining to him about how the e-meter picks up charge from a
thetan and when I gave yet other friend a copy of "New Slant on Life,"
he dismissed it as just common sense but nothing special.
Most of my friends hadn't heard of Scientology until I told them about
it. This was the early 90's. Before South Park and even Tom Cruise
(Kirsty Alley was the big Scientology Celebrity at the time). Their
opinion was completely unbiased by negative press or media. Still they
rejected Scientology, even after detailed talks and even after reading
from Scientology books. For some reason Scientology only made sense to
me. It was unnerving and slowly I grew to keep my opinions about
Scientology to myself.
MEDIA BLITZ!
While buying some cigarettes at 7-ll, I looked down at the magazines to
see a issue of Time. The cover read, "Scientology, the Thriving Cult of
Power and Greed." Figuring that I might be called on to defend
Scientology against the charges leveled against it in the article, I
thought that I should read the article to find what those charges would
be. I ignored LRH's admonitions against reading criticism about
Scientology. After all, I was an ex-Sea Org member and thought I would
be able to see a lie when I read it. I bought the magazine on the spot
and retired to a Denny's to read it.
The article accurately reported on some aspects of Scientology - the
high price of Scientology, threats and harassment towards critics of
Scientology, the use of the legal system to overwhelm critics and even
Scientology's war with the IRS.
Of course I disagreed with portrait of LRH as a flim-flam man. There
were a lot of anecdotes about people getting ripped off by Scientology
which I couldn't confirm and I wasn't in a position to verify what the
article said about the OT levels.
A GIRL WITH REAL PROBLEMS
After graduating, I enlisted in the Navy. By that time I was very
reticent about my beliefs in Scientology. I had figured out that anyone
I told about the 76 trillion year history of theta thought I was a
complete nut. After one of my friends made a crack about Scientology, I
told him that I was a Scientologist. He apologized and explained that he
had read some articles in reader's digest noting the high cost of
Scientology. I didn't take it personally and we became good friends.
My Scientology beliefs were tested further when girl I had been seeing
during my training in Virginia, named Jamela came out to California to
live with me. She had mental issues, to put it bluntly. More to the
point, her psychiatric medication noticeable helped her condition. This
was a contradiction of what I had been told while involved in
Scientology.
According to L. Ron Hubbard, psychiatrist were suppressive people
determined to make derange the minds of anyone they could - in an insane
bid to destroy the world. They didn't care if destroying humanity meant
that they too would be destroyed and that was illustrative of just how
insane and destructive they were. The means they used to derange
included electric shock therapy and psychiatric medications like the
ones my girlfriend was on.
Since leaving the Sea Org I had talked with a student currently studying
to become a psychiatrist. I was impressed with her kindness and
intelligence. I started to wonder how good people, such as herself would
somehow be transformed into a suppressive person in the process of
becoming a psychiatrist. In the end, I had to assume that not all
psychiatrist, probably most, were not suppressive people and truly had
the best interest of their patients in mind.
I become more accepting of psychiatry. Still, Jamela had been informed
about Scientology from her psychiatrist who warned her not to stop
taking her medication even though I might say otherwise. But I come
around and, seeing the good that it did, encouraged her to use it. This
didn't stop her some making fun of L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology by
mocking my reverence for it - which tested my patience.
With the mediation she was still crazy, just not as crazy. And, as if by
fate, one night on the streets of downtown San Diego, we met some
Scientologist attempting to spread the world of L. Ron. What followed
was a conversation were I argued that the mediation my girlfriend was
talking seemed to improve her condition. The Scientologist agreed only
the mediation treated the symptoms and not the cause, which I agreed
with. The Scientologist and Jamela found less common ground and got into
an argument which ended with Jamela grabbing a copy of Dianetics out of
the hands of one of the Scientologist and ripping it in half along the
binding. To which the Scientologist coolly replied, "You owe me a
book."
At the time, I found it amusing, but looking back on it must have struck
me deeper to see the two Scientologist pushed around by my girlfriend.
Perhaps I realized that the Scientologist wouldn't have been able to
Jamela, they couldn't even keep her calm. The incident symbolically
reduced Scientology to impotence in my mind. It wouldn't be long now.
MY FIRST FEW MOMENTS AS AN EX- SCIENTOLOGIST
It was a few more months after Jamela and I broke up that I had my last
few moments as Scientologist. I was sitting at a light rail station,
reading a newspaper when it all fell into place. It was an article about
genetics and inherit ability of personality traits. Science again moving
into replace Scientology with real science. It was the straw that broke
the camel's back.
At that moment everything which had bothered me about Scientology
suddenly made sense."It's all bullshit," I said aloud. Scientology was
scam. LRH was a liar. No more would I have to strain to rationalize some
shortcoming of L. Ron Hubbard or Scientology. The burden of reconciling
a broken belief system was lifted off my shoulders. Never again would I
have to have feel embarrassed when I revealed to someone that I was a
Scientologist. I smiled to myself. I was free. All this time freedom had
never been more than a thought away. The shortcomings of the Sea Org and
Scientology finally made perfect sense. It was all bullshit, the whole
time. I was free.
Looking up from the paper, the world looked different.
---------------------------------------------------
Psyborgue
> Thanks for the story Tom H. I was already reading it from a link at
> ESMB and, it's entirely credible and entertainingly told. You can
> comfortably ignore Tom N, since, although it's *possible* that he's not
> OSA (or a helper), he's certainly a 'troll' intended only to distract
> from your story.
Bingo. His agenda is to derail good discussion... That being said,
what is the motive for doing that? I always consider the motive above
all other possible identifying factors. There was a troll /exactly/
like him on fornits.com (currently down) who did the same thing, but
he tended to gravitate towards threads that were critical of a
particular cult. You could beat him down a thousand times with logic
but a few pages later in the thread he would act like it never
happened. His strategy was to appear credible to people who would
only read a few pages and to anger everybody else to the point they
would get angry and respond like ... well.. tom does now (which just
shows he is probably really stressed that his cult is imploding). The
same thing would happen with the troll on Fornits, only when he got
angry, he would just log out and post as Anon. Other things he did:
- talked to himself
- posted porn on the forum as Anon, would log back in, then blame the
other posters
Why not ban him? The forum is unmoderated by policy (so as to not let
anybody control the communication) The point being that his
disruption wasn't just "for fun"... It had a clear agenda behind it.
Eventually it was found out that he did, in fact, work for the
particular cult as "guerilla marketing" and was pushing his "product"
to those who would PM him without reading enough of his shit to figure
out his MO. At that point, a lawyer was contacted who concluded that
his posts constituted commercial spamming (violating the one anti-spam
rule of the forum) and he was asked to leave.
Personally, I don't feel that Tom is "just a troll" since I have seen
this /exact/ type of behavior before. What's the solution to it? If
you ignore him, he'll sockpuppet (as the other troll did when I added
an "ignore" feature to the forum)... Basically, there is no solution,
other than to try and keep dialog on track and try to stay "on topic".
To the OP: I loved your story. Very similar to the end of my stay in
the cult I was in. Even after leaving, I still believed in the
doctrine, the "tools" i learned... I even tried to convince others
(who mostly thought I was batshit crazy). Eventually, I had that
"aha" moment, as you did, and realized that it was all bullshit.
Kudos for writing such a great story!
Tom of Helatrobus
corrections, additions and one new section towards the end. The new
section, which fits in after the section called MEDIA BLITZ! is
below.
Thanks, Tom
THE SEA ORG IN DENVER
While enlisting in the Navy through the delayed entry program, I
called Debbie to get a copy of my marriage certificate.
"Where are you?" is the first question she asked me.
"Denver"
"I want a divorce," she said.
I told her that was fine.
She must have told someone in the Sea Org because a few months later I
got a telephone call from two Sea Org missonaires who were presently
in Denver. They told me that they would like to speak to me - in
person. I figured that they must have gotten my address from the
Denver org - I had bought an Ethics book from there after I got to
Denver and they had asked for my address and phone number when they
had checked me out. .
I drove to the org and met the Sea Org members. They were wearing
their uniforms and I was somehow glad to be interacting with the Sea
Org again. I can't remember the names of the missionaires, Kay and
Jane maybe. I was acquainted with both of them and one was married to
Dave, the head of the public division in CLO WUS.
I asked Jane how Dave was doing.
"He's having some difficulties, but I'm able kicking him into shape
and keeping him in line." She had a curt, abrupt manner undercutting
her attractive features - it was just her personality. I wondered how
much trouble Dave had gotten in because of my defection.
Kay said, "You leaving created a huge flap at CLO. At first no one
knew where you were and then we found out that you left. It created a
lot of commotion and was a big deal. The only reason that you weren't
declared suppressive was because of slow admin lines.
"We are here on mission, and one of our secondary objectives is to
bring you back to CLO. We are willing to take you back if you come
back immediately."
"I've joined the Navy through the delayed entry program, I can't get
out of that."
"Why the Navy?" she asked.
"I guess I want to see the world."
"You can join the Sea Org and see the world that way."
That was cheap, I thought to myself. The Sea Org had only one ship and
my odds of getting posted to it were slim. "Well, I've already
enlisted in the Navy. They'll arrest me if I don't report on my
starting date. I've already joined - it's too late."
"You can find some way out of that. We think we can get your old post
back. You were posted on a mission to build div 6 and it is critical
to that mission that you be returned to your old post. Also we talked
to Debbie and she said that she would be willing to see about working
on your 2D (marriage/ relationship)."
"I seriously doubt that." It was clear to me that she was just telling
me what she thought I wanted to hear. It was a bit of a low blow and I
felt a little insulted that she would take advantage of my feelings
for Debbie. "She made it pretty clear..."
"You need to come back or else you might get declared."
I made a effort to speak with perfect TR s (looking her square in the
eyes and speaking clearly). "I won't be going back."
She responded with a look that turned hostile. "Okay, we're done. You
know the way out."
Showed myself out.