Going to Work Naked: My Journey to Byron Katie (5)
Nomen Nescio
I'm in the chair!
I hadn't wanted to talk about my mother – too obvious. So I do The Work about an old boyfriend and old hurts that haven't healed. Before I begin, I acknowledge aloud my sudden realization that this man is a microcosm of all of my relationships.
“Of course,” Katie agrees, “It can't be any other way.”
Compelled by I-don't-know-what, I proceed to get naked emotionally – more exposed than I have ever been in my life. Certainly more than I've ever been in a roomful of maybe 250 strangers. I'm talking about stuff I never dreamed I'd say to anyone... admitting things about myself I haven't yet admitted to myself.
“I'm angry with Z__ because he hurt and rejected me,” I read off my Work sheet. “He was my last chance at happiness....”
“Is that true?”
“It feels true; I'm getting older.”
“You're getting older!? Are you 80? Ninety?” Even I have to laugh at that.
“So is it true?”
“No, not at all,” I answer sheepishly.
“Let's look at the next one,” Katie continues, all business.
“He was abusive to me,” I read from my sheet.
“Turn it around.”
“I was abusive to him.”
“Do you want him to suffer?”
“Yes,” I confess.
“It that true?”
“Yes!”
“You want him to suffer as you suffer.”
“Yes.” It's not kind of me, but I've agreed to be honest.
“Close your eyes,” Katie instructs me in a short, guided visualization.
“He's on his knees, he's in so much pain. See him suffering....”
I shudder; it's awful. I do care for this man even if he can't be in my life.
“No,” I tell her almost immediately.
“That was fast. Of course you don't want that. What else?” she asks. “'I was abusive to him and...?’”
“I was abusive to myself.”
“I want you to go home and write down all the ways you punish yourself.” Katie turns to the audience to continue. “How do we punish ourselves? We overspend, we overeat, we bite our nails....”
She sure has my number; all of them, even the unlisted ones.
“Continue, Honey.”
“How do I want him to change?” I'm whispering now, feeling every bit as vulnerable as the young woman who worked first during the morning session.
“Yes, Honey,” Katie says, her “Honey” a soft blanket of compassion.
“I want him to love me.”
“Turn it around.”
“I want me to love me.”
“Let's look at the next one.” The next one was question 3. This is the judgment about what the other person should not do, be, think, or feel.
“Z__ should not inflict his Borderline Personality Disorder on any other woman ever again!” I proclaim. This provokes laughter from the audience and I laugh too. Katie does not know what Borderline Personality Disorder is but it doesn't matter.
She knows that my insistence on wanting a different reality keeps me stuck.
“So Sweetheart...what do you want from him?”
“I want him to love me.”